BUILDING, NURTURING &
RESPONSIVE
RELATIONSHIPS
Beth Vorhaus
Melissa Binkley
Adapted by Team Tennessee from Iowa Train-Coach-Train, Spring 2011 & CSEFEL
Pyramid Model Training
INTERVENTION
PREVENTION
→
→
←PROMOTION
Pyramid Model
Benefits of Positive Relationships
with Adults
• The relationships that we build with children, families, and
colleagues are at the foundation of everything we do. It is
important to build these relationships early on rather than
waiting until there is a problem.
• •Parents and other colleagues (such as mental health
providers and therapists) are critical partners in building
children’s social emotional competence. We should all
work together to ensure children’s success and prevent
challenging behavior.
Benefits of Positive Relationships for All
Children
• Helps each child feel accepted in the group
• Assists children in learning to communicate and get along
with others
• Encourages feelings of empathy and mutual respect
among children and adults
• Provides a supportive environment in which children can
learn and practice appropriate and acceptable behaviors
as individuals and as a group
Benefits of Positive Relationships for
Children with Challenging Behaviors
• Children with the most challenging behaviors especially
need these relationships, and yet their behaviors often
prevent them from benefiting from those relationships.
• Adults’ time and attention are very important to children,
and we need to be sure that we are giving them that time
and attention at times other than when they are
engaging in challenging behavior.
What is Attachment?
• The first attachment occurs with primary caregivers in
the first 9 months of life
• After age 2 children have the capacity to build multiple
relationships with caregivers independent of their
primary attachment
Function of Attachment
• Survival, safety, and protection
• Support and a secure base for the development of:
• Cognitive development
• Ego/sense of self
• Resilience
• Bonding
• Self-regulation
• Social development
Function of Attachment:
Brain Development
Video: Positive Relationships
“Every child needs one person who is
crazy about him.”
-Uri Bronfenbrenner
Activity: Hot Button
From PIES Workbook, Laura Riffel, 2009
Handout 1
Challenging Behaviors have a Purpose!
• Challenging behavior usually has a message:
•
•
•
•
I am bored.
I am sad.
You hurt my feelings.
I need some attention.
•
Children often use challenging behavior when
they don’t have the social or communication
skills they need to engage in more appropriate
interactions.
•
Behavior that persists over time is usually
working for the child.
•
We need to focus on teaching children what to
do in place of the challenging behavior.
Discussion: Cultural Differences
& Child Behaviors
Mean Age Expectation in Months for Milestone Attainment
Caucasian
Solid Food
8.2
Training Cup
12.0
Utensils
17.7
Finger Food
8.9
Wean
16.8
Sleep by Self
13.8
Sleep all Night
11.4
Choose Clothes
31.1
Dress Self
38.2
Play Alone
25.0
Toilet Trained-Day
31.6
Toilet Trained-Night 33.2
Puerto Rican
10.1
17.1
26.5
9.4
18.2
14.6
14.5
44.2
44.2
24.8
29.0
31.8
Filipino Eat
6.7*
21.9*
32.4*
9.5
36.2*
38.8*
32.4*
33.1*
39.2
12.3*
20.4*
34.2
Mean Age Expectation in Months for Milestone Attainment 16
Carlson & Harwood (2000)
Discussion: Cultural Differences
& Parent Expectations
Behavioral Expectations of Two Groups of Mothers
Korean-American
Mothers
European-American
Mothers
Believe parents and
Children should play
together
54%
96%
Prefer children play with
sex-typed toys (e.g., boys
play with trucks)
71%
43%
Provide children with many 11%
chances to decide (e.g., give
child choices)
66%
Adjusting Responses to Challenging
Behaviors
Upsetting Thoughts
“That child is a monster.
This is getting ridiculous.
He’ll never change.”
“I’m sick of putting out fires!”
Calming Thoughts
Upsetting Thought
“I wonder if the corner
grocery is hiring?” “He
ruins everything! This is
going to be the worst year
of my career.”
Calming Thoughts
Activity: Reframing Thoughts
• Using Reframing Statements Activity
• Read the four examples listed and generate two to three
other challenging behaviors and how you might reframe
each one.
• In reframing the challenging behaviors, do not come up
with solutions but rather restate the behaviors to make
them more manageable.
• Be prepared to share your ideas with the large group.
Handout 2
How to Build Positive Relationships
Be a “Bucket Filler!”
Developed by Carol McCloud
• “Bucket fillers” generally
spread their love and good
feelings to others
• "Bucket dippers" rob us of
happy feelings by refusing to
help with a task or by saying
or doing cruel things
• https://www.bucketfillers101.co
m/home.html
Discussion: Making Deposits with
Children
• How do you build
relationships with the
children in your
classroom?
• Think of the children with
challenging behaviors you
currently have or have
had in the past – how can
you make deposits with
Classroom Pictures
Birthday Charts
Changing Table
All About Me Posters
Family Treasures
Family Flowers
My Family
Making Group Deposits
•
•
•
•
•
•
Greet every child at the door by name.
Post children’s work around the room.
Have a “star” of the week who brings in special things
from home and gets to share them during circle time.
Give hugs, high fives and thumbs up accomplishing
tasks.
Give compliments liberally.
Let children make “All About Me” books and share them
at Circle Time.
Video: Greeting Children by Name
Making Individual Deposits
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Call a child’s parent in front of them to say what a great day
she is having or send home positive notes.
Call a child after a difficult day and say, “I’m sorry we had a
tough day today. I know tomorrow is going to be better!”
When a child misses school tell him how much he was
missed.
Write on a t-shirt all the special things about
a given child and let him/her wear it.
Find time to read to individual children or
a few children at a time.
Play with children, follow their lead.
Acknowledge children’s efforts.
Video: Individual Deposits
Discussion: Making Deposits with
Families
• How do you build
relationships with
families?
• How can you make
deposits with the
parents of children
with challenging
behaviors?
Making Family Deposits
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Keep lines of communication open between program and families
Support and encourage parental involvement in activities.
Learn from family members about their children, and home and
family life.
Share resources with parents about how to support the child’s social
emotional development.
Share positive things the child did at the program (Happy Grams).
Conduct meetings with parents in an environment and time
convenient for them.
Assure parents about confidentiality and privacy rights.
Implement activities that bring families together.
Acknowledging the good things that parents are doing with their
child.
Handout 3
Video: Making Family Deposits
Discussion: Making Deposits with
Coworkers
• How do you build
relationships with
your coworkers?
• Think of a coworker
with whom you may
not always get along
– how can you make
deposits with them?
Making Co-Worker Deposits
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Encourage teamwork
Provide support
Build trust among colleagues
Be honest and kind to one another
Respect co-workers’ talents and
abilities
Acknowledge accomplishments
Understand and respect each
other’s backgrounds
Develop a shared vision, goals,
and mission
Have a sense of humor
Build cooperation
Activity: Action Planning
• Brainstorm a list of 3-5 things you could do to build
or strengthen relationships
‾
With children
‾ With families
‾ With co-workers
• Share with the whole group
• Identify the next steps you are going to take to build
stronger relationships with children, families, and
colleagues
‾
Note these on your action planning form.
• What materials will you need?
• What support will you need?
Handout 5 & 6
Questions?
Melissa Binkley
Team Tennessee Program Coordinator
Tennessee Voices for Children
Mbinkley@tnvoices.org
(615) 269-7751 x115
Beth Vorhaus
Team Tennessee Assistant Program Coordinator
Tennessee Voices for Children
Bvorhaus@tnvoices.org
(615) 269-7751 x124