Loneliness and WRAP
Presented By Sherri Rushman
248-975-9531 or rushmans@occmha.org
Source: Mary Ellen Copeland
”The Loneliness Workbook”
April 27, 2011
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What is this Webinar based on?
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It is based on Mary Ellen Copeland’s
book “The Loneliness Workbook”.
This book is a Guide to Developing and
Maintaining Lasting Connections
Her book was drawn from her own life
experiences and from a research project
the Loneliness Study she did.
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Gathering Information
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Mary Ellen reached out to people from her
work shops, to her colleagues and website on
the internet.
She held focus groups where people helped
define the questions to ask in a written survey
that she gave to volunteers.
She held interviews and more focus groups to
get extra specific information on topics for the
Loneliness Workbook.
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What is Loneliness?
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According to Mary Ellen loneliness is
always a unique experience.
The word means different things to
different people.
A description of Loneliness would
include words that describe feelings.
There is no one way to define feelings.
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Others Personal Definitions
of Loneliness
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According to a forty-two year old
women living with her husband and five
small children.
Loneliness is an old ongoing human
condition.
It is a feeling of having no common
bond with people around you.
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Others Personal Definitions
of Loneliness
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The feeling is akin to being an alien and
all those around you are speaking of a
language and life that you only can see
in magazines.
Loneliness is feeling disconnected and
lost, even in the midst of family.
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Other Personal Definitions
of Loneliness
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Without friends or a companion.
Feeling like you don’t have anyone who
wants to be with you.
Feeling abandoned and unable to connect
with anyone on either a physical or emotional
level
Being alone and not comfortable with
yourself.
When you have a chance describe on
paper your own definitions of loneliness
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Personal Images of Loneliness
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The person dreamed of a great chasm-a
chasm so deep that she couldn’t see to it’s
bottom with steep rock cliffs on either side.
She was alone on one side of the chasm,
looking at the other side. On the other side
people were talking to each other, laughing,
and having a good time. There was no way
for her to get to the other side where the
people were. The person felt excluded and
utterly alone.
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Personal Images of Loneliness
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One women said that when she was
lonely, she imagines herself enveloped
in a plastic bubble, just floating in space
where no one can hear her and no one
cares about her thoughts and feelings.
When you have a chance, describe
on paper your personal images of
Loneliness.
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What Loneliness Means to you
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Let’s explore what loneliness
means to you in a exploratory
exercise?
Sit back in your chair. Make sure you
feel comfortable. Take a few deep
breaths.
Now focus your attention on feelings of
loneliness.
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What Loneliness
Means to You
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To do this you may need to think of a time in
your life when you were lonely.
Focus your attention on physical sensations if
they occur.
Pay attention to all your feelings
Hold your feelings in your mind for a few
minutes. Take your time.
Now Note how you felt during the
exercise. Describe anything that comes
into your mind.
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Sometimes There is a Reason You
Can’t Keep Supports or Friends
Connections Gone Wrong
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Overly dependent
One sided relationships
When one of the people is negative
When one person assumes things about
the other person
Being too needy
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People Avoid me-Why?
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Complaining constantly
Being self-centered
Being fearful of rejection
Having low self-esteem
Being excessively angry
Worrying and fretting needlessly
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Things That Don’t
Enhance Relationships
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Being embarrassing
Interrupting, You messages
Sarcasm, Break confidentiality
Labels, One person doing all the talking
Threats, Wanting you to be their only
friend
Ridicule, Rudeness
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Remember, There is Hope!
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People have
changed their lives
and shape their life
the way they want
to.
Takes time and work
to improve
circumstances
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Connections Can Go Right
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Mary Ellen Copeland knows after conducting a
loneliness study “that being lovingly supported and
supporting others are powerful contributors to our
social, psychological, spiritual, and even physical well
being.”
Mary Ellen discovered: “Strong connection with and
support from others is essential to healing, recovery,
and ongoing health.”
From her research she found it is important to have
at least 5 supporters.
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Connections Gone Right
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Connections Gone Right
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Think About the
Opposite of Loneliness
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Just as you have times when you feel
lonely, you also have times when you
don’t feel lonely.
One man said in the Loneliness Study, “
When I’m not lonely, I feel connected
to the people I’m with. I feel they
understand and respect me and that we
are all enjoying this time that we are
sharing”
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Not Feeling Lonely
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One key word related to not feeling
lonely is balance- a balance between
being with others and being alone.
Some other words and phrases that
people in the Loneliness Study used to
describe not being lonely were: feeling
loved, togetherness, feeling whole and
complete and a sense of belonging.
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Not Feeling Lonely
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Once again, let’s do an exploratory exercise.
Sit back in your chair. Make sure you feel
comfortable. Take a few deep breaths. Focus
on feeling not lonely. To do this, you may
need to think of a time in your life when you
were not lonely. If you can’t think of a time,
imagine such a time.
Focus and enjoy these feelings. Luxuriate in
them!
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Finding Wellness Tools
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Following this slide will be lists of things you
can do to feel less lonely and we can also call
them wellness tools that can help you build a
strong support system and a strong WRAP. If
you find yourself without friends and
supports, be encouraged it will not last
forever if you explore the loneliness topic in
Mary Ellen’s book and here today in this
webinar.
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How To Create Change
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Join a support group
Find a peer to do peer counseling with a few
times each week-which is getting together
and divide the time equally, listening and
sharing without interruptions.
Go to interesting things in the community
Commit yourself to learning and to improving
your life
Learning to enjoy time alone
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Raising Your Self-Esteem
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Mary Ellen Copeland’s book “ The
Loneliness Workbook” has many good
self-esteem exercises in it. These
activities are designed to help you
improve your self-esteem. Working on
improving your self-esteem is a life long
process. The more you do this kind of
work, the better your life.
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Techniques
To Relieve Loneliness
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Recognize the feeling of loneliness and
make a clear decision to “be with” those
feelings
Act cheerful until you really feel it.
You might sing, dance to the radio or
favorite CD, watch a funny video, recall
jokes, practice laughing out loud.
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Techniques
To Relieve Loneliness
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Read a book of cartoons
Meditate or pray
Keep busy doing something you consider useful,
productive and has a sense of accomplishment
Have a good cry
Call a friend who is upbeat and cheerful
Go out to dinner with someone who is positive
Go to a movie
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Techniques
To Relieve Loneliness
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Help Others
Write a letter
Send a card
Send an e-mail
Write in your journal
Do a task and be happy you did it
Exercise
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Techniques
To Relieve Loneliness
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Give yourself a massage
Play a musical instrument
Read
Do something creative
Play with your pet
Focus your attention on self esteem and
enjoy your time alone
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Enjoying Time Alone
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Looking back at childhood for some
activities you liked as a child you might
like now
Build on your interests and special
abilities
Making a list of things you could do
during your times alone that would
keep you from feeling lonely
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Finding the Courage
to Reach Out
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To reach out to others, you have to
know that there are good things about
you that would make other people want
to be with you.
Use the following list for ideas and add
any others you can think of, and then
write down the assets and strengths
that you would bring to a friendship.
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List of Strengths
to Bring to a Friendship
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I am a good listener.
I am warm and friendly.
I like being part of a good conversation.
I’m supportive to others.
I have a lot of interests I like to share.
I am very compassionate.
I am playful and enjoy humor.
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List of Strengths
to Bring to a Friendship
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I am passionate
I am entertaining and witty
I am generous and kindhearted
I am interested in a variety of ideas,
issues, and activities.
I make it a point to affirm and validate
the experiences of others.
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List of Strengths
to Bring to a Friendship
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I accept others as they are. I don’t try
to change them.
I enjoy sharing fun and interesting
activities with others
I will go “out on a limb” for others if
they need and want me to do that.
List your strengths that make you
a good friend
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Feeling Good About Being
With Another Person
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One person in the Loneliness Study said
that when she feels good about being
with another person she feels whole.
Others said they felt good about being
with another person when they felt they
had unconditional love and support of
that person.
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The Qualities
of Good Supporters
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Someone you can trust and respect you.
Be Confidential
Have time for you.
Who will allow you the space to change,
grow, make decisions and make mistakes,
who accept you-both as you are and as you
want to be.
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The Qualities
of Good Supporters
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Who care about you.
Would advocate for you.
Make decisions when you can’t and
willing to follow your pre-determined
plan.
Someone who will treat you well.
Not force advice on you.
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The Qualities of Good Friends
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You feel good being with them.
Who allow you to talk freely and express your
feelings and emotions without judging,
criticizing, teasing, or putting you down.
Describe your relationships with people
with whom you feel you have deep, rich
friendship. If you feel you don’t have
any, write what you would like in a
friendship.
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Mutuality
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Friendship needs to go both ways.
In any friendship it is important for
each person to be there for the other.
Both people in the friendship need time
to talk and time to be heard.
Friends take turns in suggesting
activities.
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Mutuality
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From time to time, each calls the other. For
example, if a childless person watches her
friend’s children occasionally, then the parent
needs to return the favor by doing something
special for the childless person.
Do you have mutuality in your
friendships? It works!
Describe how it works for you.
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Reconnecting with Family
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Have you worn out your family
relationships?
Try to reconnect and be with Family
Stop thinking they don’t understand and
try to meet them where they are at.
If they won’t reconnect no matter what
you do, find a new family made up of
supporters who are interested in you.
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The Loneliness Workbook
by Mary Ellen Copeland, PhD
is on SALE at wrapandrecoverybooks.com
books@mentalhealth recovery.com
or by phone:
1-802-425-3660
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