“Making Children Mind
Without Losing Yours”
How to Bring Out the Best in Kids by
Doing What is Best for Them
By Dr. Kevin Leman
“Give me a minute Dad!”
“You just don’t understand Mom!”
“
She keeps looking at me.”
“She keeps looking at me!”
“Will you guys stop it?” “I’m about
to lose my mind!!!!!”
Tonight we will discuss 3 main ideas:
1. Reality Discipline
2. Why Kids Misbehave
3. When to “Let the
Little Buzzards
Tumble”
Reality Discipline
 What is it?
 Two Prerequisites of Reality Discipline
 The desire to love as unconditionally as possible.
 The willingness to take the time and make the effort
to enforce reality discipline.
There are SEVEN Principles of Reality Discipline…
 Establish a Healthy authority over children
 Hold children accountable for their actions
 Let reality and life be the teachers
 Use actions more than words.
 Stick to your guns.
 Relationships come before rules
 Live by your values- model the behavior you want to
see in your children
Why do Kids Misbehave?
There are 3 main reasons why children
MISBEHAVE
1.To gain attention
2. To acquire power
3. To exact revenge
What can we do?
 Develop consequences- be consistent!
 Make children accountable for their behavior.
 Provide boundaries.
 Take swift action and do not waiver.
 Reject the behavior but love the child.
 Nurturing does not mean enabling, so resist the
urge to “fix” everything.
ActivityBehavior-Response-Perception
 Behavior- Child “forgets” to do his chores and goes off
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to play with his friends (negative)
Parent Response- UNHEALTHY“You are so irresponsible!”
Child’s Perception of Self- “I am bad”
Behavior- Child “forgets” to do his chores and goes off
to play with his friends (negative).
Parent Response- HEALTHY“You won’t be going to the scout meeting tonight because you
have to stay home and do the chores you didn’t do this afternoon.”
Child’s Perception of Self- “If I don’t do them, I will have to pay
the price. She is giving me the choice.”
Types of Parent/Authority Figures
 Authoritarian-Make all decisions for
the child.
 Permissive-Is a slave to the child
 Authoritative-Give the child choices
and formulates guidelines with him or
her
Authoritarian
“You will do what I tell you to
do no matter what.”
Permissive
“ Oh you don’t feel like cleaning your room today?
Okay, you can clean it tomorrow.”
Authoritative
“You guys can go to the movies, but you need to be
home by 11 o’clock. If you are not home by 11
o’clock there will be consequences. Do you
understand?”
Building Relationships with
Adolescents
 1. Have home games
 2. Let teenagers see your mistakes.
 3. Don’t snowplow the roads of life for
teenagers.
 4. Listen to your teenagers when they are
ready to talk.
 5. Don’t bully teenagers into submission.
 6. Expect the best of them.
 7 . Love and respect your mate and other
adults.
Be REAL!!!!!
 R-RESPECT them.--Respect them for
the person that they are. They are little
humans.
 E-ENCOURAGE them.—Always
encourage them and communicate your
expectations.
 A-AFFIRM them.---Appreciate them for
who they are.
 L-LOVE them.---Love them by holding
them accountable for their actions.
The ABC’s of Self-Image
Look for the positive
A- Accept children for who they are.(They are all
different)
B-Make sure children have a sense of belonging.
(Family, Classroom, etc.)
C-Help children develop competence.(They feel
like a somebody or are good at something)
When to “Let the Little Buzzards
Tumble”
“Fair and swift discipline
delivered as a consequence of
unacceptable behavior is very
effective in teaching important
lessons to children in ways that
words cannot convey.”
Principles
*Make tough decisions
 Get children out of most activities(one activity per child
per semester)
 Raise your own children(Person that teaches your child
how to speak is the person that teaches your child how
to think)
*People are more important than things
*Discipline in love, not anger.
 Have dinner together as a family
 Don’t spoil your child with material things
 Turn off your television
 Actions speak louder than words.
Actions Speak Louder Than
Words
 Be sure that children feel loved—even if
you do not “like” them much at the
moment.
 Respect is a two-way street.
 Allow children to make appropriate
choices and decisions.
 Be brave enough to discipline and “pull the
rug out!”