Victims, Villains
and Heroes
Managing Emotions in the
Workplace
Don Phin, Esq.
• Business and employment practices attorney
since 1983.
• President, Employer Advisors Network, Inc.
• Developer of the HR That Works program
endorsed by Vistage and used by 2700+
companies.
• Author of three books on management.
• More than 300 presentations to executives.
• Live in Coronado, Ca
• Married with 3 sons.
Shakespeare said…
All the world’s a stage and all the
men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their
entrances.
And one man in his time plays
many parts.”
As You Like It
Victim Villain
Hero
The Plot
Portrait of a Victim
• grief
• hopelessness
• powerlessness
• feeling rejected
• low self esteem
• incapacity
• submissiveness
• naiveté
• anguish
• fragility
• fearfulness
• dependency
• suffering
• depression
• pain & suffering
• “culture of silence”
Underneath the Victim’s
Pain Lies…
• vulnerability
• sensitivity
• devotion
• tenderness
• faithfulness
• purity
• receptivity
• sweetness
• gratefulness
• appreciation
• love
• caring
Why Do We Play Victim?
…because it
feels good!
Becoming a Victim
• born that way
• traumas in youth
• workplace history
Dark Side of the Victim
• dishonest
• irresponsible
• compulsive
Victims in the Workplace
• 100 year battle
• control is main theme
• manifested in legal system
1900’s
1900’s
1930’s
Race
Age
Sex
Disabilities
Dilbert
Lawsuit Explosion!
• thousands of claims
• employees win more than half
• lottery like mentality
Portrait of a Villain
• uncaring
• cruel
• selfish
• flattering
• addicted
• arrogant
• charming
• seductive
• scheming
• intolerant
• moves with great
speed
• draining energy
Positive Side of the Villain
•
•
•
•
•
fun
adventurous
clever
mischievous
great
communicator
•
•
•
•
•
risk taker
great negotiator
wealthy
irresistible
takes what he or
she wants
But… it never lasts!
Making of a Villain
• tired of being a victim
• sucked in by a villain
• shut down their feelings
• hurl their pain at others
Villains in the Workplace
• bosses
• harassers and abusers
• consultants
Bosses & Other Reptiles
Never Work for a Jerk
Handling the Serious Villain
• avoid the physical
• use inner strength
• expose them
• get help!
What Role Do You Think
You Play??
Portrait of a Hero
• caring
• determined
• powerful
• compassionate
• persevering
• sacrificing
• helpful
• inspiring
• responsible
• giving
• idealistic
• disciplined
• honest
• humble
• in control
• self-sacrificing
The Making of a Hero
• the drive to triumph
• hero role models
• motivated by a cause
• extreme circumstances
Dark Side of the Hero
•
•
•
•
over-controlling
gullible
always exhausted
feels justified in
being angry
• gives but can’t
receive
• own’s others
problems
•
•
•
•
overly idealistic
obsessive
perfectionist
neglects family for
“the cause”
• detached from
feelings
• murderous
Heroes in the Workplace
• union organizers
• lawyers and legislatures
• enlightened leaders
The Drama of Work
• it’s a thriller
• at least two players
• rush to play the victim role
All 3 Lie
Convict the Liar
• feels unfair
• gather evidence
• ignites the triumph energy
You own 100% by yourself.
Relating at 50/50
Emotional Inequality
• 20%’rs (victims)
• 80%’rs (villains)
• 80%’rs (negative heroes)
The 20/20 Relationship
The 80/80 Relationship
The 80/20 Relationship
The 40/40 Relationship
Moving From 20% to 40%
• coax, encourage and inspire
• focus on the efforts first
• you can’t save all
Moving from 80% to 40%
• stop running
• become inclusive
• have faith!
Bob
The Kid
Speaking For Yourself
• YOU, YOU, YOU
• use “I” words
• ask them to speak about
their experience, not yours
Baby, Light My Fire
• procrastinate
• hurl your pain
• use their energy
Avoiding Conflict
• “wow, that’s interesting!”
• get out of the line of fire
• walk and breath
Resolve Differences by…
• wanting to resolve
differences
• we are both good people
• agreeing in advance
Remember this…
… the role of the hero is to
allow others to become
their own heroes!
The Rewards
• the end of Ground Hog Day
• becoming our own hero
• living happily ever after
Summary
• be aware of The Plot
• Goodness Triumphs Over Evil
• emotional heart space
• play 40/40!
VictimsVillainsandHeroes.com
Contact Info
• don@hrthatworks.com
• www.donphin.com
• www.hrthatworks.com
• (800) 234-3304
