Boundaries
“Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it
spring the issues of life.” (Prov. 4: 23)
“The heart knows its own bitterness, and a
stranger does not share its joy.” (Prov. 14:10)
• As individuals, each one of us has his own
boundaries.
• 1. The most basic is our skin.
• 2. Words: Yes and no are the most basic
boundaries setting words.
• 3. Truth: to us there is safety in the truth.
To a Christian, knowing God’s truth sets
him free
Geographical distance
• “A prudent man foresees evil and hides
himself.” Prov. 22: 3
• Time: “To everything there is a season, a
time for every purpose under heaven.”
(Ecc. 3:1)
• Time away, time to be set for different
matters, and time off.
Emotional distance
• It is a temporary boundary to give your
heart the space it needs to be safe.
• Other people: there are two reasons why
you need others to help with boundaries:
• 1. Your most basic need in life is for
relationships.
• 2. We need others’ input and teaching.
• Creating boundaries always involves a
support network.
Consequences
• Trespassing on other people’s property
carries consequences.
• God does not enable irresponsible
behavior.
• Hunger is a consequence of laziness.
(Prov. 16: 26)
Feelings
• Feelings come from the heart and express
the state of your relationship. You can feel
close and loving.
• You may feel angry and you may feel
resentment.
• Feelings eventually, no matter how long it
takes, will show up.
Attitudes
• Your attitude toward a matter or a person sooner
or later will show up.
• Your attitude toward God, life, work,
relationships.
• We need to own our attitudes and convictions
and not blame others for our failings (Adam and
Eve).
• Setting limits and accepting responsibilities will
save lives. (Prov. 13: 18)
Choices
• We need to take responsibility for our
choices.
• We need to realize that we are in control
of our choices. For example, giving:
Reluctantly and under compulsion. “Let
each one give as he purposes in his heart,
not grudgingly or of necessity, for God
loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Cor. 9: 7)
Desires
• Our desires rely within our boundaries.
“When you ask, you do not receive
because you ask with wrong motives, that
you may spend on your pleasures. James
4: 2,3)
• A desire accomplished is sweet to the
soul. (Prov. 13: 19) But it sure is a lot of
work.
Love
• “Love the Lord your God with all your
heart, with all your soul and with all your
mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”
(Matt. 22: 37-39)
• Loving hard needs an inflow as well as an
outflow of life blood.
Problems with boundaries
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The difficulty to say “no”.
Reasons: fear of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Fear of abandonment and separateness.
A wish to be totally dependent on another.
Fear of someone else’s anger.
Fear of punishment.
Fear of being shamed.
Fear of being seen as bad and selfish.
Fear of being unspiritual.
Fear of over strict and critical conscious (guilt feeling).
Ten Laws of Boundaries
1.The Law of Sowing and Reaping
• You reap whatever you sow. If you sow to your
own flesh, you reap corruption from the flesh;
but if you sow to the spirit, you reap eternal life
from the spirit. (Gal. 6:7,8)
• This is not punishment but God tells us how
things really are. Smoking, over-speeding,
overspending, etc…On the other hand, if you
exercise, eat the right food, you may suffer less
from diseases.
• Interrupting that law, may not be an act of love.
2. Law of Responsibility
• “Continue to work out your own salvation,
for it is God who works in you to will and to
act according to His own purpose.” Phil.
• I am responsible for myself. Responsibility
should not be only in giving but is setting
limits on other’s destructive and
irresponsible behavior.
• The Bible emphasizes to give in to needs
and put limits on sin.
3. The law of Power
• You overcome with the patterns of lack of boundaries by
gaining the following powers:
• 1. The power to agree with the truth about your
problems, called “Confession.”
• 2. The power to submit your inability to God asking for
His help and yield to Him.
• 3. The power to search and ask God to reveal more
about what is within your boundaries.
• 4. The power to turn from the evil that is within you:
repentance.
• 5. The power to ask for forgiveness and restitution for
those you have injured.
4. The Law of Respect
• We fear that others will not respect our
boundaries. We focus on others and lack clarity
about ourselves. We judge the boundary
decisions, thinking that we know better how they
ought to give to me the way I want them to give.
“Judge not that you may not be judged.” Matt.
7:1
• “Do to others as you would them do to you.” My
only concern should be are others really make a
free choice.
5. Law of Motivation
• I do far more for people than I should; and
that makes me very depressed.
• The motivation should bring us happiness
not depression. Giving should be
motivated by love and not fear of
loneliness, guilt, payback, approval or
praise.
6. Law of Evaluation
• Difference between hurt and harm: In
loving you, I will not harm you but I may
hurt you. Jesus referred to this as the
narrow gate. It is easier to go through the
broad gate of destruction.
• Admonition from a friend, while it can hurt,
can also help.
7. The Law of Proactivity
• The need to practice and gain
assertiveness. We need to get far enough
away from abusive people to be able to
fence your property against further
invasion.
8. The Law of Envy
• Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden
• The problem with envy is that it focuses
outside our boundaries onto others.
9. The Law of Activity
• We may have boundary problems
because we lack initiative.
• The Parable of the talents.
• Passivity never pays off.
• God will match our efforts, but He will
never do our work for us.
10. Law of Exposure
• This is applicable to relationships. We fear of
guilt, not being liked, loss of love, loss of
approval, receiving anger, etc…
• Because of these fears, we try to have secret
boundaries. We withdraw passively and quietly
instead of communicating an honest “No” to
someone we love. We secretly resent rather
than telling someone we are angry about how
they hurt us.
• Let not the sun go down on your anger.
• “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him and
if he repents, forgive him.” Luke 17: 3