WHAT ABOUT BOB?:
HOW TO HELP WHILE
MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES
Keri Barnett, Ph.D.
What type of helper are you?

Problem solver
 You
want to fix people’s problems right away
 Advice giving comes freely and naturally to you

Nurturer
 You
naturally give plenty of support and
encouragement to those in need
 You are “a shoulder to cry on,” but you shy away from
confronting or challenging others.
Personal Reflection Question


As a problem solver, what goes on inside you that
pushes you to solve other people’s problems?
As a nurturer, what goes on inside you that prevents
you from challenging someone or speaking the
truth?
The key to helping others….
Acceptance AND Change
(Grace AND Truth)
Helping Starts with Safety: Boundaries
(Cloud & Townsend, 1992)

Many people with mental health problems struggle with
boundaries
Compliant – Cannot say no to bad due to guilt or being
controlled by others
 Nonresponsive – Sets boundaries against responsibility to
love others
 Controller – Aggressively or manipulatively violates the
boundaries of others
 Avoidant – Sets boundaries against receiving care from
others


Need to teach and model boundaries in the church!
Why do churches struggle with
boundaries?

Ministry leaders have boundary problems
 You
need to develop your own ability to set healthy
boundaries
 Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend is an excellent source

The Velcro Effect
 What
is going on inside you that is hooking you into the
unhealthy dynamic?

Personal reflection: What goes on inside you that
makes it hard for you to set a limit with a person or
say no to someone?
Common Boundary Problem for
Problem Solvers: Advice Giving

Advice is telling someone what you think he or she
should do.
 Consequences
of advice giving: creates dependency,
disempowers, enables immature behavior &
irresponsibility, models poor boundaries, encourages
blame

Instead encourage the helpee to explore possible
solutions/outcomes as well as pros & cons
 Then
(and only then) can you make a professional
recommendation
Common Boundary Problem for
Nurturers: Setting Limits on Time

Setting limits on the time you are available to help
and minister to others is essential for self-care.
 Consequences
of poor limit setting: creates
dependency, disempowers, enables immature behavior
& irresponsibility, models poor boundaries, decreases
feelings of safety

Instead clearly define and communicate when you
are available, how you are available (in person,
text, phone, etc.), and for how long.
 Remember
Oxygen Mask Analogy
If there’s smoke, there’s fire…
If there’s drama, there’s a personality disorder!

Remember what generally works with others, will
not typically work for people with personality
disorders
 You
must respond differently to them
 Consult, consult, consult!!!
 All ministry leaders need to be on the same page
about how to respond to a person with a personality
disorder
 Ministry leaders must communicate with each other
directly about interactions with this person
Helping starts with safety, and ends
with the relationship
Acceptance AND change can only happen in a
relationship!
Why does counseling work?
(Lambert, 1992)




40% of change in clients is due to:
________________________________
30% of change in clients is due to:
________________________________
15% of change in clients is due to clients’
expectancy and hope
15% of change in clients is due to the counselor’s
techniques and therapeutic models
Lamentations 3:49-57 (The Message)
49-51"The
tears stream from my eyes,
an artesian well of tears,
Until you, God, look down from on high,
look and see my tears.
When I see what's happened to the young women in the
city, the pain breaks my heart.
52-54"Enemies with no reason to be enemies
hunted me down like a bird.
They threw me into a pit,
then pelted me with stones.
Then the rains came and filled the pit.
The water rose over my head. I said, 'It's all over.’
Lamentations 3:49-57 (cont’d)
55-57"I
called out your name, O God,
called from the bottom of the pit.
You listened when I called out, 'Don't shut your ears!
Get me out of here! Save me!'
You came close when I called out.
You said, 'It's going to be all right.'
Relationship Characteristics that Help
People





Balancing grace and truth
Genuineness and appropriate transparency
Empathy
Emotionally showing up
Willingness to suffer with others
 Don’t
be quick to stop all suffering because God may
be working through the suffering
 Any suffering can be endured IF THE PERSON IS NOT
LEFT ALONE EMOTIONALLY