Introduction to Non-Violent
Communication
Rosenberg M B (2003) NVC – A Language for Life. Encintas,
CA: PuddleDancer
Marshall Rosenberg
• Influenced by:
NVC and Humanism
• ‘NVC is founded on language and
communication skills that strengthen our ability
to remain human, even under trying conditions.’
(Rosenberg 2003 p.3)
• ‘NVC guides us in reframing how we express
ourselves and hear others……..we are led to
express ourselves with honesty and clarity,
whilst simultaneously paying others a respectful
and empathetic attention.’ (ibid p.3)
What it is …
• A way of dealing with conflict without the
use of force, discipline or punishment
• Constructive, rather than destructive
• Non-judgemental and non-blaming
• Considers needs of self and others
• Encourages empathy and co-operation
What it’s not …
• Passive
• Turning the other cheek
• Having a laissez-faire attitude
The four-step process – part 1
• What do I observe … with no judgement or
criticism
• What am I feeling … hurt, scared, joyful, amused
• What needs do I have … in relation to the
feelings identified
• What requests can I make … in practicable
language and not as a demand
Example …
• When I see … dirty socks under the coffee table
• I feel … irritated
• because I need … more order in the rooms we
share
• Would you be willing to … put your socks in the
washing machine
NVC Skills to Develop
1) Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully
observe what is happening free of evaluation
2) Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and
express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply
judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
3) Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g.
sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not
met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling
4) Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically
states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is
truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate,
however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than
out of willingness and compassionate giving).
5) These skills emphasize personal responsibility for our actions and
the choices we make when we respond to others, as well as how to
contribute to relationships based in cooperation and collaboration.
Blaming or explaining feelings …
• I feel I am being cheated - is an evaluation of
others rather than how it is making you feel ie angry,
anxious, fearful
• If you say – when you said that you really
hurt me … this places blame
• Instead explain your feelings - when I heard
you say those words I felt hurt because I …
Blaming or expressing needs …
• Placing blame – I’m sad because you are
going out tonight
• Expressing needs – I’m sad because I
need some company and I shall be alone
tonight.
Making a request …
• Explain what you would like the other
person to do
• Not as a demand – I want you to …
• But as a request - would you be willing to
…
The four-step process – part 2
Receiving this message from others:
• We connect with another by sensing what
they are 1) observing, 2) feeling and 3)
needing
• 4) Listening to their request to discover
what would enrich their lives
• This flow of communication can go back
and forth encouraging empathy and cooperation
NVC as a a state of mind…
• When we use this model, we may begin either by
expressing ourselves or by empathically receiving these
four pieces of information from others.
• It is important to keep in mind that NVC does not consist
of a set formula, but adapts to various situations as well
as personal and cultural styles.
• While NVC is often referred to as a “process” or
“language,” it is possible to express all four pieces of the
model without uttering a single word.
• The essence of NVC is to be found in our consciousness
of these four components, not in the actual words that
are exchanged.
Activity
See Activity Sheet
1. Do role play activity in groups of 4
2. As a large group discuss the pros and
cons of using role play as a technique
3. What did you learn from this role play on
NVC?