Supporting
Children Who Take
Us to the Ends of
Your Rope….
Daniel Hodgins
DKJ5075@aol.com
www.danieljhodgins.com
Children with
challenging behaviors
are often looking for
what they are good at…
Adults often give attention
to negative behaviors that
challenging children are
good at.
Chris is his Name
Chris is his name and pushing is his game
You can catch him pushing, in the sun and
rain
He is pushing high, and pushing low
He is pushing, pushing, wherever he goes.
So if you want some pushing and you don’t
know what to do
Just go ask Chris and he’ll help you.
What is Chris
Good At?
He is not bad at
pushing, he is good at
it!
A bully believes
that
“If you can’t be
the best, I’ll be the
worst”
When Faced with Challenging
Behaviors Adults often:
• Perceive the behavior as deliberate
noncompliance
• Attempt to “control”
• Neglect to address the needs of the child
• Engage in power struggles
Three Questions to Ask Yourself When Developing
Discipline Techniques:
• What challenging behaviors bother me the
most?
• What practices do I use most often with
these challenging behaviors?
• What do I need to change to make my
beliefs and practices decrease challenging
behaviors?
What Challenging Behaviors
bother me the most?
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2
3
4
5
What strategies do I use with
these behaviors that bother me?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Most Common Challenging
Behaviors Reported by Teachers
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Biting
Hitting or pinching
Throwing objects
Swearing
Name calling
Tattling
Whining
Refusing to share
Disrupting circle time
Running
Throwing tantrums
Non-participation
What Are the Major
Causes of
Challenging
Behaviors?
Unclear Messages
Saying What
We Mean….
Boys often see the
whole, but not
always the
details…
Interpreting messages might
be difficult
Anne Moir, David Jessel
Most Common Unclear
Messages:
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“use your inside voice”
“use your walking feet”
“be nice to your friends”
“use kinder words”
“in five more minutes, it will be time to
clean up”
If the message is
unclear to
children, they will
interpret it anyway
they wish.
The interpretation maybe
completely different then the
message sent….
Too Many
Rules
Rules should be
set up as
“Guardrails”
Setting up the
environment so that
children are guided
with choices.
Guardrails need to be:
• Simple
• Have consistent follow through
• Pertain to the child’s stage of
understanding
• Must be enforceable
• Individual not group
When we have
group rules,
egocentric
children believe
you are not talking
to them.
Ex. “boys and girls no
running”
Rules that are often broken:
• “No running”
• “No hitting”
• “No taking toys from someone else”
• “No loud voices”
Why are we always
asking children to
use their “inside
voices?”
It’s not
natural….
Eelly, Ally, OH
The big ships sailing on the eely, ally, oh
The eely, ally, oh, the eely, ally, oh.
The big ships sailing on the eely, ally, oh.
Hey OH, Eely, ally oh.
Hoist up the sails, and pull in the rope,
Pull in the rope, Pull in the rope.
Hoist up the sails and pull in the rope
Hey Oh, Pull in the Rope!
Rules:
You may be under the spell from:
• Your family rules
• Your neighborhood rules
• Your school rules
• Your religion rules
What Are the Rules you
had
in your
Childhood?
Rules from your Childhood
• “no elbows on the table”
• “eat everything off your plate, there are people
starving in China”
• “no singing at the table”
• “were you born in a barn?”
• “what happens in this house stays in this house”
• “always wear clean underwear when you leave
the house, because you never know when you
are going to get in an accident”
To Follow Rules the following
skills are needed:
• Skill 1 - sensitivity to the viewpoints of
others
• Skill 2 - ability for mutual understanding
• Skill 3 - willingness to delay gratification
• Skill 4 - high degree of cooperation
Hughes (1991)
A boy’s brain often
develops from the
back(doing to
thinking)
A girl’s brain often develops
from the front(thinking to doing)
Moir & Jessel
The girl’s frontal
lobe often
develops between
the ages of 12
years and 16
years.
Anne Moir
The boys frontal
lobe development
occurs around 19
years of age.
Anne Moir
Children often cannot
distinguish between
right and wrong until
their Frontal Lobe has
fully developed.
Frontal Lobe Statements:
• “Make a better choice”
• “How would you like it if someone hit you?”
• “You don’t want to hurt your friends do
you?”
• “Use your words, not your hands”
Expectations
that cause
Failure:
What Causes Failure?
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Competition
Standing in lines
Waiting my turn
Asking children to
share
• Expecting them to
act like a little adult
Failure:
When a child is placed in failure experiences
he/she will do anything to avoid it.
Even if that means getting hurt or hurting.
Failure adds so much stress to the brain.
Leo Toupin
“I can’t be a good
looser, until I have
lots of experiences
feeling
successful”
Clare Cherry
Attention
You can never get enough….
I get lots of Attention when I
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I scream
I run
I hit
I throw tantrums
I smile when I have done something you don’t
like
• I say “make me, you are not my mom”
• I make enemies
• I make “all hell break loose”
Avoid
“Use your words”
“I don’t have them yet”…
Sharing means…I
understand that
somebody else
has the same
needs as me.
I DON’T THINK SO!
Choosing Friends
• If you are next to me, you are my friend.
• If you give me what I want, you are my
friend.
Developmental
Issues vs. Moral
Issues
Typical Developmental
Behaviors of Young Children
• Picking their nose
• Pushing/shoving
• Not listening
• Taking toys
Keep the strategy
that you use with
children at their
developmental
level.
Avoid a strategy that uses a
moral implication. Their brains
are not set up to receive it yet.
You Assume I
CARE!
Adults must learn
to be less
egocentric then
the child.
Bev Bos
“I Bring What I Got”
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Rules?
Values?
Relationships?
Communication patterns?
Manners?
Behavior patterns?
What children
bring to your
environment
Might be different
then what you
bring…..
Stages of Social Play
Parten
• Solitary Play
• Parallel Play
• Onlooker Play
• Associative Play
• Cooperative Play
We must plan
experiences
that fit all
stages of
social play
Not all children are
“ready” for a
group experience.
Social skills for some
children take a long
time…Placing them in
a group doesn’t mean
they will become part
of it….
Are there other options?
• One on One
• Small clusters
• Less distractions
• “Caves”
Strategies
for Success:
Look at
Transitions
These times are very difficult
for the challenging child……
Transitions:
• Limit the number of times all children have
to transition between one activity and
another
• Minimize wait time
• Warn children in advance
• Avoid lines
• Provide children with something to do
during transition times
Avoid Activities
that are not
Relevant to
Children
When they are bored they will
create their own experiences.
Some of which are not what
teachers want.
What is not relevant to children
under the age of five:
• The Date, Month and Year
• Colors
• Shapes
• Numbers
• Manners
What is Relevant to Children?
• Not Relevant
Date
Colors
Shapes
Numbers
Manners
• Relevant
If information is
not relevant it will
be pruned from
the brain within
five minutes….
Ken Horn
Teachers
have been
reported to
spend 71% of
the day
teaching
information
that is not
relevant.
David Elkind
Most strategies for children will
be forgotten within five minutes:
• “walk, walk”
• “flush the toilet”
• “stop your running, you will get hurt”
Practices that fit what we know
about children
• They like to run
• They sometimes like to use an “outside
voice”
• They don’t share well
• They like to be physical
New Rules for Challenging
Children:
• Be Loud
• Run a lot
• Try not to share
• Talk a lot
• Look at it before you flush it
Do teachers give the
message that loud
children are not as
good as quiet children?
Baby Shark
Baby shark, doot, doot, doot, doot
Baby shark, -------------------------Mama shark doot, doot, doot, doot
Mama shark -------------------------Daddy shark, doot, doot, doot, doot
Daddy shark -------------------------Grandpa shark, doot, doot, doot, doot
Grandpa shark -------------------------Sharks swim, doot, doot, doot, doot
Sharks swim ---------------------------Sharks ATTACK , ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Sharks ATTACK, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Elements that Enhance
Children’s Well Being:
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Places for investigating and exploring
A space they can call their own
Hiding places
A place to get higher
Digging to China
Having enough
Water everywhere
No clutter on the walls
Children’s Well Being
Elements
• Investigating space
• Space of their own
• Hiding places
• How to get higher
• Digging spaces
• Having enough
• Water everywhere
• Wall space clutter
Changes
Share Soothing Skills:
• Massage
• Sucking
• Music
• Rocking
• Water
• Others?
A Child who is in
Distress, often
doesn’t recognize
the feelings of
others….
They will need
“coaching”
Emotional Regulation
Includes the ability to demonstrate
a range of emotions and to react
in appropriate ways in emotional
situations….
Children who lack emotional
regulation
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Portray few emotions
Show signs of depression
May cry excessively
Have difficulty coping
May worry excessively
Engage in challenging behaviors
Wittmer, Doll & Sation, 1996
Help Children focus on
Solutions:
• Take hands firmly
• Ask them to state what they see as the
problem
• Give chance for disagreements
• Ask for solutions
• Try it out
• Review how it is working
What is the Challenging Child
Communicating to You?
• “You are asking me to do something that is too
difficult?”
• “I cannot cope with being a part of the group
right now?”
• “I want that toy, but don’t know how to ask for
it?”
• “I’m bored, are you paying attention?”
• “I’m not comfortable sitting here so long?”
• “I cannot believe that you are asking me to share
you with the other children?”
Facilitating Problem Solving
Steps:
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Use puppets for role play
Use children’s literature
Use pictures/posters
Create solution lists with children
Act out make believe problems
Tell stories
Class meetings for older children
Children’s Books
• The Terrible Thing That Happened at my House,
M. Blaine
• The Grouchy Ladybug, E. Carle
• Three Wishes, L. Clifton
• It’s Mine, L. Lionni
• The True Story of the Three Little Pigs, J.
Scieszki
• Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible No Good
Bad Day, J. Viorst
• The Hating Book, C. Zolotow
Focus always on what you want
them to do:
• NOT TO DO
• “stop hitting your friends,
they don’t like it when you
do that”
• “we don’t take toys away
from others”
• “what is the magic word?”
• “stop running, you might
fall and get hurt”
• “it isn’t nice to call are
friends names”
• DO
The more
opportunities we
give children to
attain power
The less they will need to create
negative behaviors.
Every species is looking for
power.
What is a Power
Struggle?
An Individuals Need for
CONTROL
When do power struggles occur
most often?
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Mealtimes
Clean up times
When you are in a hurry
Whenever anyone is angry
Naptimes
When sharing is forced
Adults asking for something to be done
All the time for some children….
Notice how often
these are times
that are teacher
directed and often
teacher
controlled….
Power Builders:
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Moveable parts
Choices
Roughhousing
Being louder
Healthy bullying
Construction
Pounding
Getting higher
Singing
Movement
What “Real” Choices do children
have?
• Do I have to come to circle time?
• Do I have to sit down to eat?
• Do I have to pick up toys by myself?
• Do I have to always do what you tell me?
Look at how much
time during the
day is child-choice
Vs.
Adult Choice?
Children who
wish to attain
POWER are
looking for you,
to push your
buttons….
Choose not to let that happen.
Ask Yourself:
• Do you have any control over it?
• Can you do anything about it?
• Is it really that bad?
• Will the world end, if I don’t step in?
Sometimes
you just need
to
GET OVER IT!
If you don’t want
superhero or gun
play
What will you replace it with
that is just as powerful?
There has been
NO evidence that
“Zero Tolerance”
policies have
Decreased violence…..
When young
children pretend
“gun play”
They are not practicing to be
“Killers” they are just trying
to find who has the POWER!
Allow Risk Taking
• Non Risks
“Only build as high as your
eyes”
“Go up the ladder and down
the slide”
“Be careful”
“You can hurt someone”
• Risk
“Wow, look how high it
is getting”
“Go up the slide and
down the ladder”
“Hang on with both
hands”
“Stand back everyone”
How will you celebrate
the
Active Child?
Celebrating the Active Child:
Activity
• Meal time
• Small Group
• Nap time
• Large Group
• Arrival/Departure
Change
Active Body, Active Mind
• “If the body isn’t moving, I don’t
understand anything”
• “Sitting is not natural”
• “Sitting Criss-Cross applesauce or the
Pretzel style is not healthy”
How often are
children sitting
down during the
day?
Bring Back Roughhousing
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Red Rover, Red Rover
Ring Around the Rosie
London Bridge
Kick the Can
Billy Goat Gruff
Arm Wrestling
Tag
Tug of War
Ask Yourself:
• Is it an unmet need?
• Is it a lack of skill?
• Is it a lack of fit?
Jack and Carl
Jacob and Carl were pretending to “chain saw”
tables, chairs, easels and children’s arms. They
were running around the room making “chain
saw” like noises. The teacher goes up to them
and says, “boys you need to choose another
game”. Jacob and Carl ran away and started to
“chain saw” Sarah’s neck. Sarah yelled, “get out
of here”. The boys laughed and said, “we are
going to kill you with our “chain saw”. Sara
screamed, “teacher they are trying to kill me”.
The boys ran away and hid under the table.
Always focus on
the child that has
the problem,
Not the child who is causing
the problem….
Why Punishment Fails?
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It makes children mad
It models the use of power
It eventually loses its effectiveness
It erodes our relationship with children
It distracts children from the important
issues
• It makes children more self-centered
Remember on
Monday, you will
only have control
of yourself….
What Changes Will You Make?
Consider the Following
Questions:
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What do you know about the child’s history?
What is the child’s behavior that most concerns you?
What changes in the environment could you make?
What positive guidance techniques can I use?
How can I help the child feel a sense of belonging?
What can I do to help the child manage anger?
How can I engage the family?
What do I have to change in myself?
Climate of Trust:
• Somebody is listening to me
• Somebody is encouraging me
• Somebody accepts my uniqueness
When Children
Leave your
Program,
What Memories will
they have?
Further Readings:
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Bos, B. Chapman, J. Tumbling Over the Edge
Cherry, C. Please Don’t Sit on the Kids
Chairk, J. Time In: When Time Out Doesn’t Work
Gartrell, D. Guidance Approach for Encouraging Classrooms
Kostelnik, M.J. Whiren, A.P Soderman A. K. Stein, L & Gregory K.
Guiding Children’s Social Development
Letts, N. Creating a Caring Environment
Oehlberg, B. Making it Better
Reynolds, E. Guiding Young Children
Rice, J. A. The Kindness Curriculum
Smith, C. A. The Peaceful Classroom