Positive Discipline vs. Punishment
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As a parent guiding behavior you are your child's teacher and so your job is
to share information, modeling and feedback in order for your child to really
learn the values and behaviors you want them to know.
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Read the comparison chart below and see how punishment and positive
discipline differ from one another. Notice particularly the differences in the
child outcomes for each of these parenting approaches.
Punishment vs. Positive Discipline
Punishment
Parent’s Goals:
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• Stop behavior
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• Obedience
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• Peace and quiet
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• Control
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• “Knee jerk reaction”
Typical Parenting Strategies:
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• Coercion
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• Time outs
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• Threats
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• Spanking
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• Yelling
Child’s Reaction/Learning:
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• More defiance
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• Might makes right
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• Rigid boundaries
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• Fear and distant relationship
Child Outcomes:
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• More dependent
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• Revengeful or withdrawn
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• Less skilled at solving problems
Positive Discipline
Parent’s Goals:
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• Correcting behavior
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• Cooperation
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• Have the learning remembered
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• Fostering self-discipline
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• Thoughtful of long run
Typical Parenting Strategies:
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• Give reasons
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• Modeling appropriate behavior
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• Logical and natural consequences
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• Problem-solving
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• Teaching new behavior
Child’s Reaction/Learning:
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• More cooperative in long run
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• Reasons for behavior
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• Flexible boundaries
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• Respectful, close relationship
Child Outcomes:
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• Independent
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• Good team member
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• Sees many solutions to problems
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• Good decision maker
Children’s Goals for Behavior
• Children want to have contact, power,
protection and independence....and all at the
same time! Their behavior, good or bad, is
motivated by one of these goals. If they can't get
what they need in a positive way they will learn
to get it in a negative way.
• Below is a brief chart adapted from Active
Parenting by Michael Popkin,Ph D that shows
the goals children have and the positive and
negative behavior they may show to reach the
goal. Do you recognize any of these behaviors?
Children’s Goals for Behavior
Basic Goal of
Child
Contact
Positive
Negative
Behavior
Behavior
Seeks
Seeks undue
recognition
attention
Power
Shows
Rebellion
independence
Protection
Being assertive, Seeks revenge
forgiving
Independence
Seeks
Avoidance,
centeredness
gives up
on their own
Parenting Actions
• By increasing positive behavior and decreasing negative behavior parents can
help their children learn to behave in acceptable ways. There are many parenting
strategies to increase behavior or decrease behavior that are included in a positive
discipline approach.
• Take a moment and think of one way you helped your child increase positive behavior
today and one way you helped them decrease a negative behavior. How did you feel
about using those strategies?
• A challenge for parents is to stop using discipline strategies that you really don't
like to use, strategies that you feel bad about after you have used them. Maybe it is
yelling too much, physically grabbing or spanking, or calling your child names or
putting them down when they misbehave.
• Make a list of parenting strategies that you do not want to use. Post this list
somewhere where you will see it daily and be committed to using other strategies for
guiding your children each day. It takes practice to learn new parenting behavior and
the first step is awareness of what you want to change.
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