STEPS TO RECOVERY FOR
PARTNERS OF SEX ADDICTS
Mending a Shattered Heart & Facing Heartbreak
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Common Questions from Partners
• Will this get better? Is there hope?
• What is disclosure?
• How do I structure my boundaries?
• What do I tell the kids?
• Should I stay or should I go?
• What are the 12 steps and what can they do for me?
• Where do I get help?
• Is my husband a pedophile?
• Is my husband gay?
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THE COURSE OF RECOVERY
OVER TIME AND THE
PARALLEL PATH OF THE
PARTNER
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The Six Stage Model Defined for Partners
• Stages are fluid and often overlap
• No specific time periods for each stage
• Similar to addict stages
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Stages of Recovery for the Partner
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The Developing Stage (Pre-Discovery)
Crisis
Shock
Grief (Ambivalence)
Repair
Growth
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME
DEVELOPING STAGE
(Pre-discovery)
CRISIS/ Decision/
Information Gathering
SHOCK STAGE
GRIEF STAGE
REPAIR STAGE
GROWTH STAGE
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THE DEVELOPING STAGE
• Prior to learning partners behavior is an
addiction
• Can last months or more commonly years.
• Partners either knew of the behavior or were
completely “in the dark” re: illicit sexual
behaviors
• If a partner knew of behaviors, often would
minimize, deny, blame themselves or join in
the sexual escapades of the addict
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
The Developing Stage
• Believe tall tales.
• Tolerate, normalize unacceptable behavior from
the addict (verbal abuse, dependency,
unavailability, mood swings, etc.).
• Self- doubt (second-guessing, not trusting gut
feelings).
• Seek couples therapy to treat the relationship.
• Unmanageability.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Crisis Stage
• Façade of addict has been exposed.
• Catalytic event that causes partner to confront reality of
the addiction
• Information-seeking at its highest
• Take action/ making decisions (e.g. sending to treatment,
joining a 12-step group, read literature pertaining to sexual
addiction, separation, file for divorce, seek information
• Emotional turmoil
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Typical Path of Disclosure
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Deny everything
Disclose what you think you can get away
with
Disclose a bit more
Get confronted as more things come out
Disclose all
(REPEAT!)
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Shock Stage
• Feelings and emotions occur as a result of the initial
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discovery/disclosure of the addiction
Emotional numbness or avoidance
Feeling victimized/ traumatized
Suspicious
Fear about slips, future
Feelings of despair
Anger (hostility, self-righteousness, blame, criticism)
Ruminating/ Distrust
Desire accountability/ disclosure from addict
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Shock Stage Continued
• Partner
• Disclosure of ALL previously concealed behavior is
desired
• Reasons cited:
• To make sense of the past
• To validate their suspicions
• To gain a sense of control
• To assess their risk of STD exposure
• To assess their partner’s relationship commitment
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Grief and Ambivalence
• Grieving losses.
• Feelings of depression.
• Ambivalence about the relationship.
• Increased introspection and focus on the
self.
• Less focus on the addicts behavior.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Repair Stage
• Introspection.
• Decision-making stage about the relationship.
• Deeper insight into possible co-dependency issues.
• Family of origin themes examined and integrated.
• Prior losses more fully grieved.
• Increased strength and coping skills.
• Boundary setting.
• Emotional stability.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Growth Stage
• Decreased feelings of being victimized by the
addiction.
• Focus on issues not directly related to the
addiction.
• Awareness of your role in the dysfunction of the
relationship increases.
• Acknowledgement of gifts the addiction has
brought to your life.
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
1 2
3
4
5
1 2
3
4
5
Growth
Repair
Grief
1 2
3
4
5
6
3. Fifth Year
6
2. Third Year
6
1. Early First Year
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Growth
Repair
Grief
Shock
Crisis/Decision
Developing
Crisis/Decision
Developing
Shock
Repair
Growth
Grief
Shock
Crisis/Decision
Developing
STAGE MIX IN
RECOVERY
Trauma Survivor or
Codependent?
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Trauma model for partners
• Research shows partners experience PTSD
symptoms and symptoms of acute stress disorder
post disclosure (Steffens and Rennie, 2006)
• Sexual Trauma Model (Minwalla, Chapter 6
Mending)
• More practitioners acknowledging partner’s
experience as trauma
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Trauma Model for Partners
• “Relational Trauma” triggers a multitude of
trauma responses:
• Emotional Turmoil
• Fear that manifests as protective behaviors
• Obsessing about the trauma
• Avoidance of thinking about or discussing the
trauma
• Intrusive thinking about the addiction or acting
out behaviors
• Sleeplessness/ nightmares
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
The Level of Trauma is influence by…
• Amount of deception
• Length of time of deception
• Gaslighting/ covert emotional abuse
• Type of acting out/ offending behavior
• Exposure to the acting out
• Public Embarrassment
• Impact on the children
• Impact on finances
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Developing Therapeutic Alliance
with the Partner
• Validate Trauma
• Typical “Joining” strategies
• Allow for narrating of story and pain
• Emphasize the importance of their own
therapeutic process
• Boundary work
• Challenge cautiously – do deeper, more
introspective work, after initial trauma symptoms
have decreased
• Abandonment, FOO issues, past traumas
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Traditional Codependency Model
• Approximately 50% of partners self-identify as “co-
dependent”
• Many partners will not want to be “labeled”, especially
initially.
• As therapeutic alliance grows may be able to challenge
them more
• Couples nicely with addict’s 12 step work – partner “works
their own program”
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Characteristics of
Co-Addiction/ Co-dependency
• Denial
• Emotional turmoil
• Preoccupation
• Efforts to Control
• Enabling
• Compromise of self
• Rescuing
• Anger
• Taking excessive
• Sexual issues
responsibility
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Criticisms
• Trauma Model
• Codependency Model
• Addict is “sick” and partner
• Developed in Patriarchical
is “healthy”
• Does not challenge partner
to get out of “victim” stance
• Does not challenge partner
to take responsibility for
their own behaviors
Addiction culture
• Pathologizes family
members
• Traumatizing to partners –
when they feel
misunderstood
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Influence on Partner Sexuality
• Relational Sexual Difficulties
• Sexual Aversion
• Sexual Shame
• Body Image Issues
• Sexual Secrets
• Obligatory Sex
• Broken Trust
• www.recoveryzone.com to take PSS
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Support for Partners
• Therapy
• Task Centered Therapy
• Trauma work
• Group support (facilitated group therapy)
• Normalizes
• Decreases Shame
• Twelve Step Support
• Spiritual Support
• Family/ Couples work when appropriate
• Bibliotherapy
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TREATMENT FOR THE
PARTNER
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© 2013 IITAP, LLC
PARTNER TASKS
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The Seven Tasks for Partners
1. Cope with the Trauma of
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Discovery/Disclosure
Manage the Crisis
Develop a Plan for Support and Self-Care
Understand the Nature of Addiction
Deal with the Emotional Aftershock
Communicate Effectively about the Addiction
Create a Recovery Plan
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 1: Cope with the trauma of
discovery/ disclosure
• Recognize the Trauma
• Learn About the Toxic Dance of the Staggered
Disclosure
• Toxic Flow: The STEPS of Staggered Disclosure
• Identify Lies and Misinformation
• Identify Level of Trauma
• Recognize the Difference Between Big (Big T) and
Small (Small T) Traumas in your Life
• Recognize Trauma Symptoms
• Learn to Tell Your Story of What Happened
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 2: Manage the crisis
• Establish Safety
• Create a Safety Shield
• Set Non-Negotiable Boundaries
• Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries
• Set Healthy Physical and Sexual Boundaries
• Set Healthy Boundaries for People, Places and Things
• Develop a Communication Plan
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 3: Develop a plan for support and
self care
• Establish a Support System
• Build your Support Network
• Find a Therapist
• Learn About Group Therapy
• Get Involved in a Twelve Step Community
• Create a Self-Care Plan
• Find Other Methods of Self-Care
• Practice a Relaxation Technique
• Learn to Soothe
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 4: Understand the nature of
addiction
• Learn key concepts about addiction in general
• Learn about Sex Addiction
• Learn about Addiction and the Brain
• Recognize Current Beliefs About Addiction
• Understand the Concept of Cross Addiction
• Understand Criteria for Addictive Illness
• Learn Risk Factors of Addiction
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 5: Deal with the emotional
aftershock
• Identify your Emotions
• Identify your Losses
• Deal with Grievances
• Manage your Pain
• Cope with your Anger
• Deal with the Shame and Guilt
• Cope with Feelings of Numbness and Efforts to Distract
• Deal with Confusion
• Find Hope
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 6: Communicate effectively about
the addiction
• Write a Partner Impact Letter
• Identify Your Communication Style
• Explore Communication Roles and the Karpman
Triangle
• Create a Communication Toolbox
• Write a Letter to Sex Addiction
• Identify Toxic Ineffective Communication Strategies
and Coping Behaviors
• Identify Hot Topics in about Sex Addiction in Your
Relationship
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
Task 7: Create a recovery plan
• Personal Craziness Index
• Complete Forgiveness Exercise
• Complete Forge Ahead Exercise
• Complete a Sexuality Survey
• Understand Partner’s Impact on Your Sexuality
• Create Sexual Affirmations
• Identify Negative Beliefs About Your Body and Your
Sexuality
• Find Alternative Reactions to Destructive Behaviors
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
© 2013 IITAP, LLC
THANK YOU!
© 2013 IITAP, LLC