Seek First to Understand, THEN to be Understood
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See things from another point of view before
sharing your own point of view
Listen first, talk second
Everyone wants to be respected and valued for
who they are
People won’t expose their “soft” middles unless
they feel genuine love and understanding
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Five Poor Listening Styles
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Spacing out
Pretend listening
Selective listening
Word listening
Self-centered listening
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Spacing Out
 When someone is talking to us but we ignore them
because our mind is wandering off into another galaxy
 Being caught up in our own thoughts
 Daydreaming
 Focusing on things other than the task at hand
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Pretend Listening
 Pretending we are listening by making insightful
comments at key junctures:
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“yeah”
“Uh-huh”
“Cool”
“Sounds great”
 Speaker feels as if they are not important enough to
be heard
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Selective Listening
 Paying attention to only the part of the conversation
that interests us
 Starting your own conversation based on what
interests you in the other person’s conversation
 Focus becomes on you
 The other person is not being heard and feels
unimportant
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Word Listening
 We actually pay attention to what is being said, not
how it is being said
 Missing out on body language, tone of voice, and
facial expressions
 Missing out on the emotions behind the words
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Self-centered Listening
 Seeing everything from our own point of view
 Instead of standing in someone else’s shoes, we want
them to stand in ours
 Leads to:
 Judging—making judgments about what is being said
 Advising—giving advice based on our own experiences
 Probing—digging up emotions before someone is ready
to share them
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Genuine Listening
 Listening with your eyes, heart, and ears
 Stand in their shoes
 Practice mirroring—repeating meaning, using your own
words to sum up what the other person just said, acting
warm and caring
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Giving Feedback
 Will this feedback help this person, or am I doing it just to
fix them and suit myself
 Send “I” messages
 “You” messages sound condescending and threatening
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The poor listening style I struggle with most:
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What poor listening style annoys you the most
when you are trying to say something you think
is important?