Formal Writing Demonstration

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Exemplar for the ‘Essay
Component’ of your summative
ENG 3UI
Informal
“I think that the
narrator of Boys
and Girls, can’t
reach her full
potential because
she is oppressed by
male figures and
gender
stereotypes.”
Formal Writing does not:
-use “I” “You” or “One”
-use slang, cliché or
vague language
-use contractions “It’s”
-Simple language
-Past tense
Informal
“I think that the
narrator of Boys
and Girls, can’t
reach her full
potential because
she was oppressed
by male figures and
gender
stereotypes.”
Formal Writing does not:
-use “I” “You” or “One”
-use slang, cliché or
vague language
-use contractions: “It’s”
-Simple language
-Past Tense
Informal
“I think that the narrator of “Boys and Girls” can’t
reach her full potential because she was
oppressed by male figures and gender
stereotypes.”
Editing
“The narrator of “Boys and Girls” can’t reach her
full potential because she is oppressed by male
figures and gender stereotypes.”
Informal
“The narrator of “Boys and Girls” can’t reach her
full potential because she is oppressed by male
figures and gender stereotypes.”
Editing
“The narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot reach
her full potential because she is oppressed by
male figures and gender stereotypes.”
Informal
“The narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot reach
her full potential because she is oppressed by
male figures and gender stereotypes.”
Editing
“The narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and grow through self-discovery because she is
oppressed by male figures and gender
stereotypes.”
Formal
“The narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and grow through self-discovery because she is
oppressed by male figures and gender
stereotypes.”
Editing for elevated language
“The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls”
cannot mature and develop through unbridled
self-discovery because she is oppressed by
dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.”
Original Thesis
“I think that the narrator of “Boys and Girls,” can’t
reach her full potential because she is
oppressed by male figures and gender
stereotypes.”
Edited Thesis
“The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls”
cannot mature and develop through unbridled
self-discovery because she is oppressed by
dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.”
In the short coming of age story “Boys and
Girls” by Alice Munro, the young female
narrator discovers that her roles and
responsibilities will be limited and dictated by
her gender. The theme of self-discovery
Edited Thesis
“The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls”
cannot mature and develop through unbridled
self-discovery because she is oppressed by
dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.”
Deconstruction of Thesis Statement:
This thesis statement will prove that the narrator
is unable fully discover who she will mature to
be because 1.) dominant male figures and 2.)
antiquated stereotypes
Edited Thesis
“The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls”
cannot mature and develop through unbridled
self-discovery because she is oppressed by
dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.”
Connecting your thesis to your Topic Sentences
“The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot
mature and develop through unbridled self-discovery
because she is oppressed by dominant male figures and
antiquated gender stereotypes.”


Topic Sentence #1
The young female narrator is unable to come of
age through self discovery as her experiences are
controlled by the powerful male figures in her life:
the salesman, Henry, and her father.
Topic Sentence #2
In addition to powerful male figures dominating
the narrator’s coming of age experience, the adult
female figures perpetuate antiquated gender
stereotypes by fulfilling their gender roles.
Connecting your thesis to your Topic Sentences
“The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot
mature and develop through unbridled self-discovery
because she is oppressed by dominant male figures and
antiquated gender stereotypes.”

Topic Sentence #1
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are
controlled by the powerful male figures in her life: the
salesman, Henry, and her father.
This topic sentence tells the reader that it will explore
how the salesman, Henry and her father oppressed her
self discovery.
The three points that need proof are the characters listed.
1.
Point: An important argument
supporting your thesis.
2.
Proof: A specific quotation from the text
to support your point.
3.
Explain: Connect your point and proof
using details and insight.
Point: An important argument supporting
your thesis.
The narrator is unable to value her selfworth after she is disregarded by the
salesman as a member of the weaker
gender.
Proof: A specific quotation from the text to
support your point.
When her father says “Like to have you
meet my new hired hand,” the young
girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however,
belittles her work by saying “I thought it
was only a girl” (4).
Explain: Connect your point and proof
using details and insight.
By using the phrase “only a girl,” the
salesman teaches the narrator that
being female is considered to be less
valuable than being male and her pride
immediately diminishes to
embarrassment.
The narrator is unable to value her self worth
after she is disregarded by the salesman as a
member of the weaker gender. When her father
says “Like to have you meet my new hired hand,”
the young girl is proud of her accomplishment
and recognition (4). The salesman however,
belittles her work by saying “I thought it was
only a girl” (4); By using the phrase “only a girl,”
the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than
being male and her pride immediately
diminishes to embarrassment.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment. Henry
regards Laird with more respect than he does the female
narrator as they prepare to shoot Mack the horse.
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot mature
and develop through unbridled self-discovery because she is
oppressed by dominant male figures and antiquated gender
stereotypes.
The young female narrator is unable to come of age
through self discovery as her experiences are controlled by
powerful male figures in her life: the salesman, Henry, and her
father. The narrator is unable to value her self worth after she is
disregarded by the salesman as a member of the weaker
gender. When her father says “Like to have you meet my new
hired hand,” the young girl is proud of her accomplishment and
recognition (4); The salesman however, belittles her work by
saying “I thought it was only a girl” (4). By using the phrase
“only a girl,” the salesman teaches the narrator that being
female is considered to be less valuable than being male and
her pride immediately diminishes to embarrassment. Henry
regards Laird with more respect than he does the female
narrator as they prepare to shoot Mack the horse.
PPE
• Point 1
• Proof 1
• Explain 1
PPE
• Point 2
• Proof 2
• Explain 2
PPE
• Point 3
• Proof 3
• Explain 3
T
• Transition into your next Topic Sentence
The young female narrator of “Boys and Girls” cannot
mature and develop through unbridled self-discovery
because she is oppressed by dominant male figures
and antiquated gender stereotypes.”
Use similar language and ideas to sum up your
thesis- but do not repeat yourself.
The narrator’s growth is greatly affected by both the
opinions of the strong men influencing her self-worth,
and the gender roles and ideologies that are
perpetuated through by the women in her life. Her final
moment of self-discovery is that she knows in her heart
that she is “only a girl” and this knowledge has an
irreversible affect on her growth.
1.
Thesis
2.
Topic Sentence
3.
Point, Proof, Explain x 3
1.
Conclusion
1.
Thesis (What will your prove)
2.
Topic Sentence (How you will prove it)
3.
Point, Proof, Explain x 3 (Prove it)
1.
Conclusion (Conclude your thoughts)
1.
Thesis (What will your prove) *Appears at
the end of your essay introduction
2.
Topic Sentence (How you will prove it)
*Begins every paragraph
3.
Point, Proof, Explain x 3 (Prove it) *Totals to
9 supporting sentences
1.
Conclusion (Conclude your thoughts)
*Summarize your points in a final
paragraph
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