CREATING STRONG BONDS IN MARRIAGE The Family Crisis: Contemporary Issues Rev. Can. Dr. John and Dr. Ruth Senyonyi Marriage and Family Seminar GAFCON, NAIROBI, KENYA OCTOBER 2013 MODERN MARRIAGE MATRIMONY ACRIMONY AND ALIMONY What is Crisis? Crisis- situation or period in which things are very uncertain, difficult, or painful, especially a time when action must be taken to avoid complete disaster or breakdown. Question? What are some of the challenges facing the family in the contemporary world? Challenges of the modern family…. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. Secularism Women Empowerment Vocational challenges No recreational part (not fun) Tolerance – Co habitation, Divorce, separation, Pre & Extra marital sex, Cheap grace vs. costly grace Challenges of the Modern Family 7. Not wanting children ( shunning responsibility) 8. Couple isolation 9. Parenting adolescents in the information explosion era 10. Inter-faith /inter-racial marriages 11. Balancing family and work SECULARISM World order opposed to Christ. Anti -Christian way of life and thinking. How would you characterize secularism? What is its influence on the family? WOMEN EMPOWERMENT Independence from man (husband) Promotion of ability to live alone and manage own life without a man. Rejection of team work and promotion of individualism Vocational challenges Competition Pursuing a vocation at the detriment of family Distance /separation due to work or career development Nocturnal/ weekend/monthly marriages. Vocational friendships WORLDLY PRESSURES AND WAYS OF WORKING/LIVING Cohabitation /Partners Divorce /Separation Loss of virginity at a young age Pre marital sex in courtship Civil marriages ( gives room for divorce) Extra marital affairs – no patience to work out conflicts Parenting factors What are the new challenges of parenting in the global village? What are the children contending with? – social network, fashion, global cultures How are parents responding to the challenges? How do you work with an adolescent ? Establish a good and loving relationship with your child/Be genuinely interested in their lives Take time to KNOW your child Developmentally – each stage is unique and needs different techniques , wisdom and patience Likes and dislikes Good relationship School activities (Teachers names, peers, close friends, their names, subject he enjoys, where he sleeps, class no. ) Home activities Closeness – quality & quantity – Thanksgiving, eat out, Be accessible Talk about the Pressures Biological Changes Academic work Relationships (peers, opposite sex, teachers) Media/ Technology (phone, TV, Face book, pornography) Drugs & Alcohol Sibling rivalry Sexuality – (sexual intercourse, masturbation, homosexuality, pregnancy) Maturity demonstration Peer pressure Curiosity HIV/AIDS Security Sense of belonging – photos, birthdays, own bed, certificate displays. Capable – affirmation Believe in them – gives them confidence – give them a chance to make decisions Teach life skills Time management, Self development, self esteem, communication, social etiquette, decision making, solving problems , Integrity , self control, taking initiative, stress management, discipline Discipline them appropriately What to do… Be democratic – listen and allow for discussion – round table discussion Communicate love and understanding (I love you,touch, voice, words, special times) Acceptance As a person of worth (Matthew 18:5) , Jer. 17:9 On the basis of what he is not what he does In his/her individuality – has unique needs, skills, abilities With expressions of appreciation and approval COUPLES LIVING TOGETHER BUT MILES APART. The Three-Legged Race Open Heart Surgery to exchange hearts Spouse Relationship Honesty /Trust foundation Respect & Mutual Appreciation Conflict Resolution Mutual support in developing uniqueness , talents & interests. Team mate / same side Supportive / affirmation Sexual delight Romance (Song of Songs) ISOLATION: Definition Condition of being alone, separated, solitary, set apart, segregation, seclusion, exclusion. A feeling of distance, a lack of closeness and intimacy. A miserable, lonely married person. “They live together but really alone.” Keith Green The small foxes Catch for us the small foxes that may ruin our vineyards which are in blossom. Those small things that bring havoc and chaos to the blooming relationship making it difficult to enjoy our marital oneness. Catch the small foxes… That ruin the Vineyards in Bloom Couples living together but miles apart What is it that brings isolation into marriage? What are the small foxes? What is the remedy? The small foxes…. LACK OF OPENNESS & TRUST & SECURITY POOR COMMUNICATION UNRESOLVED ANGER WRONGDOING MISSING INTIMACY & ROMANCE TOO BUSY/Challenges of modernity MONEY POOR PARENTING SKILLS Romance /Recreation Dating your spouse … what does it involve? Time is quality relationship Shared hobbies Creating memories Fun together: What can you do? Balancing Family and work MY WORK LIFE Upcountry Abroad Technology Stress Chemistry with workmates ME Career Development Training Pressure Deadlines Promotions Demotions My Very Busy Personal Life Nuclear Family (Spouse & Children) Religion Social Life & Community School ME Business Extended Family & Relatives Leisure Exercise (fitness) BALANCING WORK AND PERSONAL LIFE Is there a work-life balance in your extremely busy life? How much is work invading your personal life? How much of your personal life is affected by the stress of trying to balance all the many responsibilities in your life? WORK –LIFE BALANCE QUIZ Directions: Answer true of false to each statement below. 1. I find myself spending more and more time on work-related projects. 2. I often feel I do not have any time for myself- or for my family and friends. 3. No matter what I do it seems that often every minute of every day is always scheduled for something. 4. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve lost sight of who I am and why I chose this job/career. 5. I cannot remember the last time I was able to find the time to take a day off to do something funsomething just for me. 6. I feel stressed most of the time. 7. I cannot even remember the last time I used all my alloted vacation and personal days. WORK –LIFE BALANCE QUIZ 8. It sometimes feels as though I never even have a chance to catch my breath before I have to move on to the next project/crisis. 9. I cannot remember the last time I read and finished a book I was reading purely for pleasure. 10. I wish I had more time for some outside interests and hobbies but I simply don’t. 11. I often feel exhausted- even early in the week. 12. I cannot remember the last time I went to the movies or visited a museum or attended some cultural event. 13. I do what I do because so many people (children, partners, parents) depend on me for support. 14.I have missed many of my family’s important events because of work related time pressures and responsibilities. 15. I almost always bring work home with me. QUIZ SCORING 0-2 : Your life is in pretty good balance. Just be sure to do what you can to guard that balance. 3-5 : Your work/life balance is teetering on the edge; now is the time to make changes before the problems overwhelm you. 5+ : Your life is out of balance; you need to take immediate action to make changes in your work and your life before things start crashing around you. Effects of a life out of balance Fatigue - feeling constantly tired and weary. Stress Unhealthy body – a fast pace life affects diet and foods eaten. Dysfunctional Relationships – Lack of quality & quantity time. Can lead to neglect and unfaithfulness TIPS TO HARMONIZING WORK & PERSONAL LIFE Harmonizing tips Review goals Manage Time Communicate clearly Avoid procrastination Plan Schedule Harmonizing tips Delegate Manage stress Improve work/job life Make your home pleasant. Get help. Questions? Comments? Lessons learnt?