The top ten skills for polyamory
are the top ten skills for
relationship, period
Nan Wise
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What I will cover
• Introduce myself—a brief update of my own
journey
• The important basics of our emotional
equipment to understand our 3 brains and seven
minds for operational intelligence
• The Top Ten habits of effective relationship
adapted to polyamory
• Leave lots of time for questions and discussion
• And make a bold request for female subjects for
my sex studies for the summer
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First, a quick look at our emotional
equipment
• Three brains, seven minds and the
defensive and affiliative states
• Defensive systems FEAR, RAGE,
• Affiliative systems LUST, SEEKING, PLAY,
CARE & PANIC.
• We always know what’s on our minds, but
we don’t always know WHICH MIND
WE’RE IN!
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Scientists in the lab of relationship
• The pre-requisites and predictive habits of
successful relationships have been
studied in the laboratory by John Gottman
et al over decades of observations of
couples
• They apply to all relationships, and are
even more important skill sets to learn and
implement for polyamory, with some minor
adjustments
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Successful relationship is about
learning how to master our states
• The most important skill that predicts success in
relationship is how well we respond when we
feel mistreated/misunderstood by our partners.
• These skills are all about learning how to shift
our own internal states out of defensiveness in
order to be affiliative and resourceful
• We can master how to respond well to our
partners, and by doing so, powerfully influence
how we are treated by them going forward.
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When you feel misunderstood or
mistreated
Habit #1) Avoid a judgmental attitude.
Judgment is damaging to relationships,
even beyond the consequences of the
behaviors we are judging.(e.g. a partner’s
harsh and punitive judgements about a
partner’s misbehavior can be as damaging
to the relationship as the misbehavior in
the first place)
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Habit 1: Avoiding a judgmental
attitude
• Beneath criticism and contempt (which are the horseman of the
apocalypse for partnerships) is the assumption that if you are
upset, your partner must have done something wrong. Most of
us are trained to believe we don’t have the right to be upset
unless someone did something to us that is wrong
• 67% of what couples argue about are generally just matters of
opinion.
• In poly, there are lots of places to potentially judge partners
since the behaviors fall outside of what is considered the norm
and how we are socialized.
• Pre-requisite: soft-start up (and why it is necessary because of
male predisposition to diffuse physiological arousal). We can
do this in how we approach ourselves and each other. Honing
this skill alone, will greatly improve your results
• Note: be aware of self judgment and the impact that has on our
relationships with self and other
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Habit 2: Standing up for yourself without
putting your partner down
• Key concept, people who stand up for
themselves and believe their opinions are
important, succeed, if they make it easy
for their partners to make room for them.
• We can learn how to do this skillfully, while
treating our partners well
• Partners are more likely to be influenced
when they feel less criticized.
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Specifics
• When your partner criticizes you—you stand up
without becoming critical in response and putting
the partner down.
• When your partner dismisses your feelings or
opinions—you stand for there being equally
important
• When your partner puts you down—you stand
up to him/her without making a federal case out
of the offense—and without labeling them as a
jerk.
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Pre-requisite: Accepting influence.
• In addition to being able to deliver complaints
softly (and firmly if necessary), and we will talk
about the sequence that works to do this later,
Partners must learn how to respond well to
partners complaints and be willing to accept the
influence of the partner .
(Factoid: The willingness of husbands to accept
the influence of wives, alone, predicts marital
success 80% of the time, but not vice versa)
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Habit 3: Finding the
understandable part
• Key here is emotional self-regulation: Staying
out of FEAR and RAGE, Learn to calm yourself
enough to truly get the understandable part of
your partner’s behavior, remembering that you
have completely different maps, and that all
behavior has, at it’s roots, a positive intention, no
matter how incredibly triggering it may be to us.
If you listen well, you will get a better
understanding of how they see the situation.
• Even if you understand, it doesn’t mean you
must give in. Your opinions count, too
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4: Giving Equal regard
• The most powerful form of accepting influence.
Opinions count equally. Your partners opinion,
even if you don’t agree with it, needs to count as
much as your own.
• Successful partners argue, and also try to
convince partners that there view is better. But
when you know that when the dust settles, your
partner is committed to giving you equal regard,
you can argue persuasively without fear that the
other person will take risk.
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5) Offering assurance
• When stuck in an unproductive cycle, you can ask
yourself if your partner may be feeling made wrong or
criticized. By reassuring your partner that you may have
been feeling judgmental or defensive, but are now willing
to work with them to create a more pleasing outcome,
and can consider a new perspective, you can shift often
the stuckness
• Offering an assurance is completely dependent on being
able to shift from a judgmental to non-judgmental attitude
without waiting for someone to make it easy to do that. If
it’s to be, it’s up to me..
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Habit 6: Identifying and Explaining
What’s at stake
• Reasons for upset often run deeper than
the current situation and relate to
something bigger being at stake.
Successful relators are able to explain the
underlying reasons for upset, and address
the bigger issues, calmly and insightfully.
Successful relators do their own work to
know self and clearly articulate what is at
stake for them.
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Examples of what might be at stake
• You may be worried if you give in, you will lose
something important to you
• You may be worried where this trend is going
• You may be restimulated by an event from an
early time in your life that needs to be clarified
• E.g., For poly people, your partner partnering
with someone else could potentially be very
restimulating. You may feel your relationship
base is being threatened or you will be replaced
or left
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Building the emotional bond
• 7) Being curious about your partners world
• Partners that succeed devote more cognitive room
to their partners. The spend more time thinking of
how their partners are doing and ask more about
their partner’s experiences (not to judge, check up
on or reassure themselves, but to want to know the
partner’s world)
• What is he looking forward to, what is he proud of, what
is disappointing to the partner lately, what compliments
or acknowledgments have they received
• If your partner could follow her heart right now and do
one thing she wouldn’t ordinarily do, what would that be?
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8) Keeping sigh of the positive
• Successful relators are more aware of the positive things
that happen in their relationships, and acknowledge
them more often.
• When partnerships are distressed, partners
underestimate the positive things that happen between
them by 50% as compared to objective raters.
• People who succeed make a point of noticing and
acknowledging good stuff as it happens, and also recall
more positive memories, rather than harping on hurts or
disappointments
• Poly people need to develop this even more acutely
during periods of relationship challenge: NRE and
Jealousy issues
• Requires good emotional self-regulation and ability to
shift attention
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9—Making and responding to bids
for connection
• Embedded in seemingly insignificant communication, the
little means a lot. Small tweaks in consciousness in this
area will build powerful bonds for poly people
• Being artful in harnessing attention and giving it
powerfully to our partners
• Taking the time to make and respond to these invitations
to connect is critical and very healing to relationships
straining under the added complexity of poly
• Making a point of letting partners know we are thinking of
them, even when not with them. Calling partners to say
we love them when we are with new partners will pay off
big time
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10—Pursuing shared meanings
• Intimate partners need to feel they are on a journey
together. Shared purpose, loyalty, making and keeping
agreements to uphold mutually agreed upon goals and
values. Even in relationships that are not primary in poly,
having consciousness about what these connections are
about will enhance these relationships and actually
contribute to the homebase relationships. Encourages
consciousness across the board. What are we up to?
How do we want to support each other? Revising these
shared purposes key to longevity of relationships.
Revise and re-invite
• (my own evolving partnership with John as an example)
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The sequence of habits counts
when upsets occur
• Self reminder: Do something different. It’s in
your interest to respond differently since the old
way isn’t working by results. If you respond
effectively in this instance, your partner will
become more understanding and cooperative
• Give the benefit of the doubt: avoid jumping to
conclusions, assume there is some legitimacy to
partners complaint or view, keep open mind,
hear partner without defending self
• Find the understandable part—make a
conscious commitment to understanding
partners reasoning
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• 4) Think of what is driving your upset, and
identify what is at stake. Communicate your
upset responsibly and informatively. Get some
coaching to become aware of blind spots
• 5) Offer assurance: you are not saying partner
is right or wrong, or that partner shouldn’t be
upset, and that you are not looking to have
things entirely your own way
• 6) Ask partner to work with you. Acknowledge
that you are willing to make some changes and
engage to find something that is a mutually
acceptable solution
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Now, what to do if this doesn’t work
7) Maintain your cool. Keep track of your arousal. Don’t make a big
deal of the issues at hand or your partner’s reactions. Self-soothe
8) Offer and Ask: Assure your partner you care about their feeligs
and willing to work with them, but that you ask they be willing to
work with you, too. Hey, I am trying to work with you and don’t feel
like you are working with me. Will you partner with me now?
9) Stand up and Engage: If partner continues to criticize or dismiss
your viewpoint, let your anger build. You don’t expect partner to
agree with you, but you do expect that she work with you. Make it
clear her attitude is not okay with you. Don’t back down, but stay
engaged and demand that your partner explain why he thinks it’s
okay to dismiss your point of view
10) If you partner continues to criticize or disregard, say something
like, “ I don’t want to be around you now,: Disengage Reject your
partner for the moment
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And the most important thing is . .
• 11) Don’t make a big deal about this exchange not
working. Deal with letting go of the anger on your
own. Your partner crossed the line, you stood up for
yourself. Oh, well. No biggie. You can and will
come back and try again when you are both calmer
• 12) Try again later. “So that didn’t go so well. Let’s
try again if you are up for it? Don’t make a case for
your partner being wrong or recap the missteps.
Don’t demand an apology. Go back to the first step,
and be willing to stand up again as needed. Keep a
sense of humor and compassion.
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Special challenges, Jealousy and
NRE
• Require exceptional operational intelligence, skill
and maturity
• Learn to make and keep agreements
• Learn to self-soothe and self-regulate
• NRE needs to be handled as much as jealousy.
• Take the NRE home and share it with your
partner. Be above all compassionate and
tolerant of your partner’s feelings of jealousy.
Listen and do the steps outlined for the
sequence
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