NARM Adaptive Survival Styles Adaptive survival styles develop when a child's unmet needs lead to adaptations that ensure survival but create long-term disconnection from their true self and emotions. (Source: Laurence Heller. The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma.) Core Capacities Strategy Used to Protect against Attachment Loss Core Difficulties Shame-Based Identifications Pride-Based Counteridentifications Connection To be in touch with our body and emotions To be in connection with others Children give up their very sense of existence and disconnect in various ways, such as through dissociation, splitting, and attempting to become invisible. Disconnected from physical and emotional self Difficulty relating to others Shame at existing Feeling like a burden Feeling of not belonging Pride in being a loner Pride in not needing others Pride in not being emotional Attunement To attune to our needs and emotions To recognize, reach out for, and take in physical and emotional nourishment Children give up their own needs in order to focus on the needs of others, particularly the needs of the caregivers. Difficulty knowing what we need Feeling our needs do not deserve to be met Needy Unfulfilled Empty Undeserving Caretaker/Pride in not having needs Pride in being the shoulder everyone cries on Become indispensable and needed Trust To have healthy dependence To have healthy interdependence Children give up their sense of openness and vulnerability and learn to control their environment in various ways, including becoming who the caregivers want them to be. Feeling we cannot depend on anyone but ourselves Feeling we have to always be in control Small Powerless Used Betrayed Strong and in control Successful Larger than life User, betrayer Autonomy To set appropriate boundaries To say no and set limits To speak our mind without fear, guilt, or shame Children give up a sense of self-determination and direct expressions of independence and authenticity in order not to feel abandoned, invaded, or crushed. Feeling burdened and pressured Difficulty setting limits and saying no directly Angry Resentful of authority Rebellious Enjoys disappointing others Nice/sweet Compliant Good boy/girl Fear of disappointing others LoveSexuality To live with an open heart To integrate a loving relationship with a vital sexuality Children try to avoid rejection by perfecting themselves, hoping that they can win love through performance, achievement, or appearance. Difficulty integrating heart and sexuality Self-esteem based on looks and performance Hurt Rejected Physically flawed Unloved and unlovable Rejects first Perfect Does not allow for mistakes “Seamless,” having everything together