NARM Adaptive Survival Styles
Adaptive survival styles develop when a child's unmet needs lead to adaptations that ensure survival but create long-term disconnection from their true
self and emotions. (Source: Laurence Heller. The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma.)
Core Capacities
Strategy Used to Protect
against Attachment Loss
Core Difficulties
Shame-Based
Identifications
Pride-Based
Counteridentifications
Connection
​ To be in touch with our
body and emotions
​ To be in connection
with others
Children give up their very sense
of existence and disconnect in
various ways, such as through
dissociation, splitting, and
attempting to become invisible.
​ Disconnected from
physical and
emotional self
​ Difficulty relating to
others
​ Shame at existing
​ Feeling like a
burden
​ Feeling of not
belonging
​ Pride in being a loner
​ Pride in not needing others
​ Pride in not being
emotional
Attunement
​ To attune to our needs
and emotions
​ To recognize, reach out
for, and take in physical
and emotional
nourishment
Children give up their own needs
in order to focus on the needs of
others, particularly the needs of
the caregivers.
​ Difficulty knowing
what we need
​ Feeling our needs
do not deserve to be
met
​ Needy
​ Unfulfilled
​ Empty
​ Undeserving
​ Caretaker/Pride in not
having needs
​ Pride in being the shoulder
everyone cries on
​ Become indispensable and
needed
Trust
​ To have healthy
dependence
​ To have healthy
interdependence
Children give up their sense of
openness and vulnerability and
learn to control their
environment in various ways,
including becoming who the
caregivers want them to be.
​ Feeling we cannot
depend on anyone
but ourselves
​ Feeling we have to
always be in control
​ Small
​ Powerless
​ Used
​ Betrayed
​ Strong and in control
​ Successful
​ Larger than life
​ User, betrayer
Autonomy
​ To set appropriate
boundaries
​ To say no and set limits
​ To speak our mind
without fear, guilt, or
shame
Children give up a sense of
self-determination and direct
expressions of independence
and authenticity in order not to
feel abandoned, invaded, or
crushed.
​ Feeling burdened
and pressured
​ Difficulty setting
limits and saying no
directly
​ Angry
​ Resentful of
authority
​ Rebellious
​ Enjoys
disappointing
others
​ Nice/sweet
​ Compliant
​ Good boy/girl
​ Fear of disappointing others
LoveSexuality
​ To live with an open
heart
​ To integrate a loving
relationship with a vital
sexuality
Children try to avoid rejection by
perfecting themselves, hoping
that they can win love through
performance, achievement, or
appearance.
​ Difficulty integrating
heart and sexuality
​ Self-esteem based
on looks and
performance
​ Hurt
​ Rejected
​ Physically flawed
​ Unloved and
unlovable
​ Rejects first
​ Perfect
​ Does not allow for mistakes
​ “Seamless,” having
everything together