St. Theresa of Lisieux The Inside of My Head William Stebbing Ms. Oppedisano ENG4UY 7 January, 2025 Stebbing 2 William Stebbing Ms. Oppedisano ENG4UY 7 January, 2025 The Inside of My Head As I walk through the room that is my conscious mind, I see that it is filled with the concepts, memories, and people I hold dear. My morals hang from the ceiling, the most intricate of tapestries, still being made. My fears lie atop pillars like artifacts covered with a fine layer of dust. Finally, all the people whom I love, like the most beautiful and shimmering gemstones, reflecting beams of light all around the room. The room is illuminated by one spotlight, shining from the front of the room, where everything that it touches is my perception of objective truth. The books that I have read clutter the room, their glittering covers act like mirrors, illuminating parts of the room that the spotlight does not initially hit, but they may also act as covers, obstructing the light. As I walk around the room, I observe all that the light touches carefully, as if not to accidentally miss something, or worse yet, to see light where there is not. Over the past year, many books have shed light where there once was darkness and cast darkness where there once was light, namely Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman. In these books, the authors’ commentaries on the meaning of life and the nature of truth have shaped my current understanding of the two, leaving me questioning how I see the world around me. Walking through the room, I see a bright ray of light reflecting off the cover of Crime and Punishment. It seems to be hitting a section of an unfinished tapestry. I recognise it as the morality of rationalism. Ever since I began to make this tapestry, I have always had the end in Stebbing 3 mind. I know that everything in this room will reach the same eventual conclusion and in fully realizing that, it guides my hand while I continue to thread. As the light from Crime and Punishment continues to shine on the tapestry, a quote from the text comes to mind: “‘Yes, I am going. At once. Yes, to escape the disgrace I thought of drowning myself, Dounia, but as I looked into the water, I thought that if I had considered myself strong till now I’d better not be afraid of disgrace,’ he said, hurrying on. ‘It’s pride, Dounia.’” (Dostoyevsky 492). As Raskolnikov contemplates suicide, he realizes that rationalism cannot provide him with the true meaning of life and that his own pride was stopping him from realizing this. As this truth shines on my tapestry, I realise that like Raskolnikov, I am deeply hindered by my narrowed objective views on the world and that it has prevented me from accepting the human condition for what it truly is. As I look even closer, peering between the threads of my tapestry, I can see another enormous tapestry that covers most of the wall. I remember making this one at a very young age with the help of my parents. My religion has been the most important factor governing the development of all my other morals, which is why it hangs behind all the others, so that I may have a framework while I weave all the others. But I also remember that while weaving the tapestry on rationalism, that religion got hidden away. As the beam of light shines through the first tapestry onto the second, it beckons that Raskolnikov’s late-found faith also dramatically influences his views on rationalism as it should mine. Through this beam of light, I can see another quote: “Life had stepped into the place of theory and something quite different would work itself out in his mind. Under his pillow lay the New Testament.” (Dostoyevsky 522). Dostoyevsky uses the notion of religion as a stark contrast to Raskolnikov’s objective view on nihilism and rationalism. Instead of simply weaving a tapestry concerning the morality of rationalism, I should, like almost every other one I have ever made, ensure that religion Stebbing 4 continues to have a hold on the loom. Through reading Crime and Punishment, that subsequent beam of light that it produced has led me to reconsider how I look at the world and to further question if both religion and rationalism can be a valid way to weave future tapestries. As I get up from the tapestries and look up from where I am sitting, I can see all the glimmering light that is shed by the gemstones, the people I love, near the front of the room. All the different coloured light illuminates different sections of the room, reflecting different truths instilled in me by the people that I care the most about. Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman acts as a safety barrier between those shimmering gemstones and all the other pieces in the room. In the play, Willy Loman’s tortured objective views on the meaning and inherent value of life affect his family to the point where their outlooks are also skewed. As the open book stands between the gemstone and the rest of the room, I can see a quote in the glimmering light: “BEN: It’s called a cowardly thing, William. / WILLY: Why? Does it take more guts to stand here the rest of my life ringing up a zero?” (Miller 126). Willy sees human life as a purely monetary asset without seeing it for what it really is and how it is valuable to all his family. He has such strong adherence to his beliefs, the point where he believes that death is the answer to his problems. In watching Willy’s family life fall apart, I can learn of the dangers of letting other people define what truth means in my life. As I look at all these gemstones, I reflect on all the people whom I’ve let define my life and another quote shimmers: “I’ve always tried to think otherwise, I guess. I always felt that if a man was impressive, and well liked, that nothing…” (Miller 97). Even though it is said by a fictional character, I can almost remember this quote as coming directly from people in my life. As I look around the room to see the places this light used to hit, I can now see the freedom that this text has granted me. As I try to coexist with the different truths in Stebbing 5 my life that have been influenced greatly by all those around me, a question comes to mind: what future can I make for myself with the freedom to think for myself? In my peripheral vision, I look towards a skull, glowing as a beam of light shoots through one of the eye sockets. I look to the origins and see Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Usually, this skull remains in the darkness, hidden away from view. It is death. More specifically, spiritual death. One of my greatest fears in life is if I lose my spirituality. Hamlet’s views on death and the afterlife are impacted by his old views on religion that have now turned into tortured objectivism that he only uses to repress his feelings and as a method for his madness. As I peer closer at the skull, I can see a quote written on the inside: “To what base uses we may return, Horatio. Why may not imagination trace the noble dust of Alexander till he find it stopping a bunghole?” (Shakespeare 5.1.201-204). Hamlet is both disgusted and fearful of death. He has fallen away from the Christian faith that he was brought up in and has turned towards nihilism, reflective of a future that I fear, as during dark moments of my life I can feel my spirituality slipping away from my grasp. Every time I feel my faith slipping away due to lack of effort or concentration, I feel dread begin to creep in. As I investigate further around the skull, I can see another quote: “She married. O most wicked speed, to post With such dexterity to incestuous sheets! It is not nor it cannot come to good” (Shakespeare 1.2.159-161). As I see some glimmering light reflected from the gemstones mixing with the light reflected from Hamlet, I remember how Hamlet holds his mother, the person most likely to have instilled his morality in him, to a high moral standard in the same way that I hold many people in my life. As Hamlet moves further from religion, his morality begins to falter, and his tortured objectivist ideals become his new religion. As this thought glows from the skull, I fear that Hamlet’s outlook on morality and my own are too similar, and that I am walking a tightrope between the true Catholic faith and what I think it is. Stebbing 6 The realization of this reality begs the question: what dangers does objectivism pose to my possible future endeavors? Taking a step back and looking around the room, I can see all the tapestries, gemstones, and artifacts that make up my mind. The way that the light bounces across the room illuminates the objective truth concerning my morals and memories. Literature and personal experiences have shaped and enlightened my thinking in ways beyond what I could have ever imagined. Consequently, they have also led me to question my past moral journey and open pathways to many more futures than I ever thought possible for myself. I know that the one source of light in this room, if left undisturbed, will lead me to great things, because it, itself, will never fail me. As far as the future goes, if I follow that light, I know that I will never go astray. Stebbing 7 Works Cited Dostoyevsky, Fyodor. Crime & Punishment. Signet Classics, 2006. Miller, Arthur. Death of a Salesman. Penguin Classics, 2015. Shakespeare, William. Hamlet. Harcourt Canada, 2003.
