Charismatic Conversation Secrets
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
CHARISMATIC
CONVERSATION
SECRETS
Spark the Vibe
Signal Your a “High Value” Man
By Bobby Rio
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Table of Contents
Preface:
Introduction:
Chapter 1: The Six Deadliest “Conversation Mistakes” You Make With
Women… and the Lies You’ve been told
Chapter 2: Dealing with Awkward Silences
Chapter 3: The Best Conversation Topics
Chapter 4: 9 Tactics For More Charismatic Conversations with Women
Chapter 5: How to Draw Women In
Chapter 6: Turn Nervousness into Sexual Electricity
Chapter 7: How to Appear Less “Needy” When Talking to a Girl
Chapter 8: The Importance of Vibing
Chapter 9: Charismatic Connections
Chapter 10: Read This Before Every Date
Chapter 11: Are Your Conversations Missing “Sexual Intent”?
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Preface
I needed to get my first kiss under my belt. You know how it is. Your friends
start bragging. I had to sit there quiet. Hope no one notices I’m not saying
anything.
Seventh graders could be brutal when they smelled weakness.
I was at the local firehouse. It was an “open house” night where you could go
and check out the trucks.
Free donuts. Lemonade. Stuff like that.
Me and my friend Kevin are there.
Kevin probably got his first kiss when he was 7. He’s telling me about this girl
Jessica Kaiser:
“She’s easy” he’s telling me.
We see one of our classmates Ellis. Kevin calls him over. “You hooked up with
Jessica right?” he says.
“Yea, fingered her in the gymnasium during third period lunch a couple
months ago.” Ellis says.
A few other guys join in the conversation. They have fingered Jessica too.
Kevin decides that it’s my turn to finger Jessica.
When we go back to his house he calls her.
On the phone I hear him describing me to her. He tells her I’m cute and that
she’ll like me. He then flirts with her a bit.
And I’m jealous at how natural this all is to him.
The next day in school Kevin and I are walking down the hallway. He stops a
girl. I realize its Jessica and I nearly shit my pants.
He does the quick intro.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
I sort of nod, awkwardly smile, and the bell is ringing so we have to get to
class.
Later that day Kevin tells me Jessica thought I was cute and he gave her my
number.
Not many girls used to say I was cute so it feels good. Like I finally won
something.
I start imagining what it will feel like to stick my finger in her.
That night my phone rings. It’s Jessica.
“So, Kevin tells me you think I’m hot” she immediately says.
“Um….”
I repeated the phrase “um” about 100 more times. She kept asking me
questions. And I would answer them in short one or two word answers.
I wanted to ask her questions. But I couldn’t think of any thing to say.
Midway through the conversation I could tell she was getting bored or
frustrated.
She kept trying though.
She is asking me what kind of music I like:
Me: “Um, everything I guess.”
Asking me what I like to do after school:
Me: “Um, whatever I guess.”
The next day at school I saw her in the hallway. My mind went blank again. I
had nothing to say.
She waited. Twirled her hair.
Maybe she was hoping for a compliment. I don’t know. I stood there like a
idiot.
Finally, I said “Um, I got to get to class. Talk to you later.”
That night my phone rang again.
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It wasn’t Jessica.
“Hi, this is Tina. I’m friends with Jessica.” she says. “Jessica felt bad doing
this so she asked me to. She thinks you’re boring. And doesn’t want to talk to
you anymore.”
I hung up the phone.
Here’s the strange thing. I wasn’t upset. Because she still thought I was CUTE.
And at the time that is all that mattered.
Of course now I know differently. I know that if you can’t “talk” it doesn’t
matter how cute a girl initially thinks you are.
The reason I tell this story today is because while I sat down to put this book
together, I kept thinking about this incident.
I kept thinking about how different my life would have been if I knew this
stuff back in the seventh grade.
How many girls would I have slept with back then?
The thing is, life has been pretty good to me since mastering this area of my
life.
But you can’t go back in time.
I can’t go back to high school and suddenly be one of the “cool” kids instead of
being the “shy guy.”
Luckily, even though you can’t go back in time; you can “fix” the future.
You can avoid messing up again.
I did.
I really hope you’ll go through all the material in this guide and put it to use
and it will change your life in the same way it changed mine.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Introduction:
I used to think that appearing “cool” was enough to get a woman interested.
I thought that if I wore the right clothes, hung out with the right crowd, and
pretended hard enough “not to be interested” in her, she would magically
become interested in me.
And here is the kicker:
It WORKED. She usually became interested.
Yes, I could tell that my “act” opened up a window of opportunity for me to
make my move.
But that window ALWAYS closed very quickly.
And I rarely got the girl.
I think a lot of men unconsciously fall into this same trap.
They believe that they can “trick” a woman into falling for you.
But you can’t.
You CAN trick her into becoming interested in you, but if you can’t back up
that “cool guy” persona with the ability to talk to her in a way that attracts
and excites her…
You will ALWAYS lose out to the guy who can.
I experienced this firsthand many times…
I can remember one time in particular. I was at one of my friend’s girlfriend’s
sorority house. She was throwing a small party.
I looked around and felt good because by my estimation I was the “coolest”
guy there.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
So I did what I did best back then, I acted like the “cool, mysterious guy” who
was a little too pre-occupied with himself to bother overly socializing with the
girls at the party.
And sure enough, I was standing in the corner talking to one of my friends,
and this short, punkish, but incredibly cute girl comes walking right up to me,
sort of stands on her tippy toes, and leans in and kisses me on the lips.
She then proceeds to tell me how she was watching me from across the room
and she thought I was adorable.
My friend casually slips away, giving me the big thumbs up.
But the minute I was alone in the corner with her my mind went blank.
I had flash backs of talking to Jessica Kaiser on the phone, and almost every
girl since that fateful day in the 7th grade.
It was like a struggle to get even the most ordinary conversation to come out
of my mouth.
She asked me a few questions, and I sort of mumbled and grunted my
answers, trying to quickly gather up something that would capture her
interest.
Finally, I blurt out my clever line: “So what’s your major?”
The girl had just walked over, completely unprovoked, and kissed me on the
lips, tells me I’m adorable, and the only thing I can think to say is “what’s your
major?”
Well, after a few more minutes of small talk mixed with uncomfortable
pauses, and me ‘stuck in my head’, sipping my beer religiously, trying to
divert the attention away from the fact that I was desperately searching for
what to say next…
She tells me she has to use the bathroom.
She didn’t come back.
I don’t think I have to explain to you how painful it is to lose a girl who is
practically throwing herself at you.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
But this was my reality for a very long time.
What I learned the hard way was that you can have alpha body language, a
cutting edge sense of fashion, an army of social proof…
But if you can’t talk…
You ALWAYS lose to the guy who can.
ALWAYS!
So how do you overcome this?
BE THE GUY THAT CAN TALK.
Women are Rooting For You
Here is a secret that is not often talked about…
Women are rooting for you.
Yes, they want you to succeed.
They want you to hook them into a great conversation. They want to feel an
intense connection. They want “butterflies.” They want to be seduced.
And yes, they want to have sex.
They are willing to cut you A LOT of slack.
A lot of the information out there tries to make picking up chicks seem like
this “mystical” thing with layers and layers of information you need to know.
But the truth is…
You don’t have to be SPECTACULAR.
You just have to be good enough.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
You’ve probably sat and watched as a guy picked up a beautiful woman and
thought “He didn’t say anything that great.”
The bar is NOT that high.
You just have to be slightly better than the guys around you.
And you win.
Make Your Conversations “Pop”
Years after that “incident” in the sorority house I spoke about earlier, where I
watched a girl who has just kissed me unprovoked, walk away…
I finally got “it.”
The conversation has to be fun and sexy.
That’s it.
That has ALWAYS been it.
Fun and sexy.
It was like flicking a light switch and filling a dark room with light. All of the
sudden everything became crystal clear. And I felt a sense of excitement
about going out to talk to women that I never experienced before.
The best way I can describe it was sort of like the feeling you get when your
adrenaline is pumping from a shot of caffeine, or the surge of relaxed
confidence a good beer buzz usually provides.
It’s like you begin to see the world as completely limitless.
ANYTHING is possible. Almost like you’re escaping from this imaginary shell
that has enclosed you all of your life…
FUN and SEXY.
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The “Six Traits” of a Good Conversation
So, what are The Six Traits that make a conversation pop and get a woman
insanely attracted to you?
Fun and sexy, baby.
This means:
1. You keep her entirely “in the moment.”
2. You turn your conversation with her into a “fun” game.
3. You don’t hide the fact that you’re a sexual being.
4. You accept the fact that she is a sexual being.
5. You keep the “spotlight of the conversation” on the two of you
6. And you keep ESCALATING.
If I had to name the biggest reason most guys “blow it” is because they don’t
keep escalating their conversations to the next level.
If a conversation hits a plateau for too long, the tension is released and she
gets bored.
Many guys hit this “plateau” get frustrated, and give up.
So how do you overcome this “plateau?”
You are ALWAYS escalating the conversation.
You are going to find that if you can simply make your conversations more
fun and sexy, and keep them escalating forward, you’ll be able to draw out a
side of the woman that she is dying to let loose.
Remember, she is rooting for you.
It’s your job to not mess it up.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
In the remainder of this book I’m going to give you real-word, practical
examples of what to say to women to create these types of conversations.
I’m going to hand you the strategies and techniques that changed my
conversations and allowed me to meet, date, and sleep with the women I
desired.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Chapter 1:
The Six Deadliest “Conversation Mistakes” You
Make With Women… and the Lies You’ve been told
I want to talk about what makes a conversation itself good. And what you
need to do during a conversation to take it from that boring, normal, everyday
conversation and transform it to a fun and sexy conversation.
I also want to show you the mistakes that you might be making.
I'm sure you're probably making a few of these because they're very common
and they're very easy to fix.
I think by just going over some of these big mistakes and showing you
different tweaks, you'll be able to immediately see an increase in the success
of your conversations.
Here are the top five ways men murder their conversations with women
before they ever even have a chance to create attraction.
Mistake #1: The 90/10 Rule
The first is something that actually changed my conversations dramatically
and that's the 90/10 rule for beginning a conversation.
Now for those who have never heard of the 90/10 rule, it means when you
start a conversation with someone, whether it be a girl or anyone, if you're the
one starting the conversation you need to be prepared to insert 90% of
everything that's said in the first 10 minutes of the conversation.
The reason is because YOU started the conversation.
When you walk up to a girl, you've had that 10 minutes in your mind to get
yourself warmed up and prepare and you walked over to her and maybe you
knew your opener and you had a few things you wanted to say.
You were ready to talk but the woman you go to talk to, she's not always ready
for a conversation.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
So when you walk up to her and you say, "Hey, how you doing, blah, blah,
blah" and you start talking and you start asking her a questions right away,
you're more than likely going to get short answers because she's not in a
talkative mode yet with somebody she doesn't know.
What happens is a lot of guys take that for disinterest.
When a woman was giving me these short answers, I immediately thought,
she's probably not into me, I'm doing something wrong and I tried to get her
to talk more and it would always fail.
What I learned is by this 90/10 rule is that you have got to be prepared.
When you go in the first ten minutes and you're talking to a woman and
you're asking her questions, you're better off making the questions rhetorical.
If you're going to say something like, "Where did you grow up?" you have to
be prepared to talk BEFORE she answers the question.
She's more than likely to go, "I grew up in this town called Bloomfield."
Now she's not expanding on it.
What you're better off doing is saying:
"So where did you grow up? See, I grew up in this town called Upper
Montclair, it was the best town."
You MUST have some story ready for whatever you're asking her.
Whatever question you want to ask, ask it rhetorically, as a way for you to
bring into the conversation whatever topic YOU are ready to talk about.
Make sense?
It's going to take a little while for her to get her to get her talkative juices
flowing.
Think about yourself.
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Think about when you're standing in a line at Shop Rite and the person in
front of you turns to you and says, "Did you see the Yankee game this
afternoon?"
Even if you saw the Yankee game, you're like, "Yeah, yeah, that was a good
game."
Then the conversation dies unless the other person continues it because you
weren't ready for somebody to start talking to you.
You MUST keep that in mind.
That's one of the most fundamental rules of a conversation that it took me a
really long time to learn is that when you start talking to a woman in any type
of social situation YOU Must be prepared to do 90% of the talking if you were
the one to start the conversation.
Mistake #2: NOT Matching Energy Levels
The second mistake a lot of guys make is they go into a conversation with a
completely different energy level than the person that they're going to talk to.
If you're going to talk to a woman, you want to make sure your energy level is
just maybe 5% - 10% higher than hers, but you want to be really close.
If a girl's sitting there very casually relaxed with a couple of her friends, you
don't want to go into the conversation in a super, high energy mode.
The same goes if your energy level is a lot lower than hers.
If a girl's in a bar, now she's at a high energy level, talking to her friends and
having a good time and you come in and you're super laid back guy, it throws
off the whole dynamic of the conversation.
It's really hard to develop a rapport at that point because you're not matched
with the same energy level.
That's something you want to keep in mind. You want to pay attention where
she's at in terms of energy level and try to match it.
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Mistake #3: Not Assuming Rapport
The next mistake is not assuming rapport.
Now, what I mean by that is when you start talking to somebody that you may
not have met before, or the first time you're meeting them, or the second time
you're meeting them, you talk to them as if it's the first time or the second
time you're meeting them, which seems intuitive.
Bu that's not the way that you develop rapport quickly.
What you want to do is jump right into rapport.
Even if you're just meeting somebody for the first time, you want to jump in
as if you've known them forever.
This is especially true with women.
When you start talking to a girl for the first time, you don't need to be in that
mode of ‘this is the first time I'm talking to her and I have to act this certain
way type of’ mode.’
You can go twist it around, mentally put yourself in ‘this is my girlfriend of
three years mode’ and talk to her THAT way.
Talk to her in the way of ‘I’ve been sleeping with this girl for a month and
she's all up on my dick’, talk to her with THAT mindset.
What you find when you jump into rapport like that, the girl follows along.
On the other hand, when you set up from the beginning, we have a weird
awkward relationship because this is the first time we're meeting, she's going
to follow that.
It's up to you to dictate where you want to be.
I have a friend Jake; I used to always be amazed at how quickly he was able to
develop rapport with people.
I could never understand how.
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Let me first give myself as an example real quick before I tell the Jake story to
show two sides of it.
With me -- let's say I was at a job and I had four or five co-workers. I might
work with those people for a month before I took it down to the next level of
intimacy.
You first get a job and you're in a very formal mode with them. Then after a
month I would drop it down to another level of intimacy.
Then after another month I would start lowering it to another level of
intimacy.
Then by the sixth month I'd finally be comfortable with them where I'd be
inviting them out and talking about normal stuff you talk to with people that
you're comfortable with.
Now my friend Jake, I would introduce him to these people that I had been
working with for four months and was still on a very, very formal level with
and he was able to quickly act as if he'd known them forever.
It used to frustrate the hell of out of me.
I used to think, wait a minute, why do these people like my friend Jake who
they just met better than me who they've known for four months?
Instead of paying attention to what Jake was doing; I took it out on him and
stopped inviting him around people I knew because he was always stealing
the chicks away from me.
Finally, when I actually got serious about this, instead of avoiding guys that
have better game than me, I got to learn from them and pay attention to
them.
What I learned was that Jake would go right into rapport with people.
Even if it was the first time he was meeting them, within ten minutes of
talking to them, he'd be like, "Yeah, we got to go skiing together sometime."
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If the person mentioned they liked a band, he'd be like, "Oh, I went to see
them, I saw Dave Matthews last summer, I got so fucking drunk. Next time he
comes to Giant Stadium, we should go together."
I'm thinking: ‘you just met these people and you're already inviting yourself to
go out with them and hang out?’
But I was WRONG.
Now, I realize by assuming rapport with these people, even though he never
followed up on the plans he made, and was like, "Yeah, let's go make plans"
but by saying that he took things to that intimacy level I couldn’t get to in 4
months of knowing someone.
The next time he met these people, he was able to go into super intimate
mode because he had right from the beginning notched down the intimacy.
That's by assuming rapport.
You don't want to wait for rapport. You want to assume rapport.
Mistake #4: Stop Worrying About Smooth Transitions
The next big mistake that I see a lot of guys making is getting hung up on the
idea of transitioning.
I know you might have been there, where you're sitting in the middle of a
conversation with a girl and you're talking to her, and you're stuck on a topic.
Whether she's telling you about her job or you're talking about your favorite
music and you're just kind of like, ‘how do I move this conversation to a
different level?’
You keep waiting for the perfect opportunity to transition.
You're looking for a gap in the conversation or something she says that allows
you to smoothly transition to something you want to talk about.
But it just isn’t happening.
Here's the thing, there are NO smooth transitions.
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But there are very forgiving transitions.
What I mean by that is there is never going to be that perfect opportunity to
switch topics.
What you're better off doing is just go right into what you want to talk about.
I can promise you that thirty seconds later she won’t be thinking “oh my god
he just changed the subject”.
In fact, she’ll probably be happy because you took the burden off of her.
I want to give an example of a way that you can use this.
This example involves the “drunk I love you” opener.
This is when you ask a woman the question “Does it count if someone says I
love you for the first time when they are drunk?”
This is GREAT fun topic to bring up. Women love talking about this. Try it
sometime.
The point is I was at this place, a little bit upscale bar with one of my buddies
and we meet these two women.
When I say women, I mean women.
They were probably late early 40's real done up, like high-class, fake titties;
you know husbands probably paid for everything, now their divorced and
they're looking to have a good time.
Those kind of women.
We start talking to them and it's really obvious right away that these women
have been out of the game for a while.
They don't know how to have a conversation.
They right away start going, "So, where are you guys from? What are you guys
doing?"
And now we’re really quickly stuck in this awful, boring small talk.
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I'm sitting there going; if we want to turn this into something, I got to change
this quick.
So the girls turn to me and she starts, "What college did you go to?"
I go, "Hold on, before I answer that question, you've got to answer something
for me, do drunk I love you's count? Because me and my friend have been
talking about this for 20 minutes and I'm trying to . . . "
She's caught off guard and I explain to her how one of our buddies said I love
you too a girl the other night, he was drunk, he didn't mean it and now he
doesn't know if he should explain to her that he didn't mean it.
The women that we were talking too, both of them immediately jump on it,
they're really into it and they start talking to us about, "Oh my god, that
happened to me once."
Then we change the subject and we start talking about “does it count when I
say I love you during really good sex”.
So now she's saying, "Well, if it's really good sex and you say ‘I love you’ it
doesn't count, but maybe you meant . . . "
So the point is, within 20 seconds we went from what college did you go to,
what do you do for a living … to “does saying I love you count when you're in
the middle of really good sex”.
You can bet the conversation kept escalating up from there and it wound up
being a very good night for my friend and I.
Had either one of us waited for the opportunity to turn it sexual or ask
something more of an emotional question, had we waited for that
opportunity, we would never have found it because the girls weren't going to
give it to us.
They weren't trained at this.
So we took it.
That's really what you need to do when it comes to changing a subject.
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You just change it. No transitions, no smooth transitions.
Get that out of your head. Stop waiting for smooth transitions and just
CHANGE THE FUCKING SUBJECT.
If she's not talking about something that you want to talk about, just change
the subject.
If you really hate the idea of cutting her off and just changing it without
saying it, say, "Hey, I don't want to talk about this anymore, let's change the
subject."
Especially, if she's talking about something that's a buzz kill.
If she's talking about her dead aunt or how much she hates her ex-boyfriend,
just say, "You know what, I don't want to talk about this anymore, let's talk
about something else."
More than likely she'll get the point and follow along with you.
So yes, keep that in mind, no transitions.
Mistake #5: Not Taking Off Your Social Mask
The next thing is the idea of taking off your social mask.
This sort of relates back to the idea of assuming rapport that I talked about
earlier. I mentioned how when you first meet somebody you put on this, “this
is our first time meeting” mask and you act a certain way.
Taking off the mask means taking off that “social mask” you have on when
you're first meeting somebody.
That mask that makes you almost not want to curse when you're in front of a
girl. You don't want to say anything improper and you're really paying
attention to your grammar.
Have you ever been in those conversations and you're talking about the
weather and you're like why the fuck am I talking about the weather?
But it's just because we naturally have that mask that we wear around people
that are outside of our comfort zone.
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What you want to do is get in the habit of taking that mask off.
You can't experience true connection when you have that mask on.
This is something that's a whole topic on its own, but just to break it down in
a way that is explainable is I heard the phrase used: cool vulnerability.
That's a phrase you want to keep in mind. Look at it as displaying a cool
vulnerability to the woman you're talking to.
What does cool vulnerability mean?
Most guys when they're talking to a girl, they're trying really hard to impress
her by sounding cool or showing how ‘high status’ they are.
What I found works better for creating a quick bond with the woman is to tell
her a story displaying cool vulnerability, something where you're sort of
admitting something about yourself but it's kind of dorky, but kind of cool at
the same time.
You could be talking about pop culture or something and you're making fun of
Tom Cruise and you can say how after you saw the movie Risky Business you
went through a phase when you were growing up where you were running
around with your boxers on singing Old Time Rock and Roll in the house like
Tom Cruise in Risky Business.
Just something that's kind of goofy but kind of cool and makes her think of
you outside this bar/club environment.
You're letting her in on an area of your life you might not let somebody in on
so quickly, but by doing it you're establishing a bond.
That's what you want to do with this idea of unmasking.
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Mistake #6: Not Having Tactics Ready
A lot of men might be opposed to the idea of having ‘pre-planned’ things to
say and feel like it’s more natural to just ‘wing it.’
Well, how as winging it worked out for you so far?
That's my advice when people say, wing it.
If you've been winging it your whole life and it hasn't been working, then
maybe you need some tactics.
Tactics simply means find things that work, and keep using them.
The best naturals I know, the guys that get the most women, they've figured
that out in the fifth grade that they can tell the same story to 20 different
women and every woman that hears it for the first time is going to be amused
by it.
They realize that this story seems to get a good reaction out of women and
they KEEP TELLING IT.
And they continue to get better at telling it.
It's the guys that aren't good with women that are just fucking idiots and they
tell a story once, it goes over and then they never tell it again.
If something works keep using it.
You need to know tactics to take a conversation to a sexy level. You need to
know how to get to the fun vibe.
Remember, FUN AND SEXY.
That’s really your goal for a conversation with women as I explained earlier.
When you're talking to a woman, you got to figure out the quickest way to get
to the fun.
Once you're at the fun, it's very easy to get to the sexual.
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You first have to get to the fun and there's tactics that can do that.
Luckily for you, throughout the remainder of this book you’re get going to get
all the tactics you need.
But before we get to those, I first want to help you overcome one of my biggest
obstacles.
The dreaded “awkward silence”.
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CHAPTER 2:
Dealing with Awkward Silences
I would like to admit something to you.
For a very long time I did everything I possibly could to AVOID starting a
conversation with a woman I was attracted to.
And this was NOT because I was afraid of rejection.
Yes, my fear was NOT that a woman would turn her back to me, throw a drink
in my face, or tell me to “fuck off.”
This is going to sound completely irrational…
But I had deep, gut level fear …of success.
My fear was that she would actually want to talk to me…
My biggest, overwhelming, immobilizing fear was that the woman I opened
would be eager to talk to me… even worse; she would demonstrate some
attraction to me after I started the conversation…
Why did I fear this so much?
Because I knew I would disappoint her…
And there is nothing worse than seeing that glimpse of attraction quickly
fading from a woman’s eyes.
I already told you the story of the Punk Rock Girl who kissed me, and Jessica
Kaiser who lost interest back in the 7th grade.
But trust me, there were A LOT more.
For some reason it feels a lot worse to lose something that you’ve had for a
brief moment, then to never have it in the first place.
So that is why I avoided talking to women.
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Because I knew that I would wind up losing her, and that would hurt way
more than never talking to her in the first place.
The thing I could not figure out was:
Why, with everything I had learned over the years about generating attraction
in a woman, did I always seem to completely blow it with a woman at some
point during a conversation…
I mean, I knew what to do.
I knew that I should avoid “interview mode”.
I knew that I should not compliment her too much or show too much interest.
I knew that I should try to demonstrate some value through storytelling,
flirting, and displaying a sense of humor to her.
Yet, the longer the conversation went on, the more I seemed to just
completely forget “the rules” and begin doing and saying things that were
sabotaging my success.
Until finally I had a big “ah ha” moment…
It was the dreaded “awkward silences.”
I was desperately afraid of those “awkward silences” and was doing
everything in my power to avoid them, and this was killing my game.
From the minute the conversation would begin, it was like my mind would
keep saying; “what are you going to say next?“
”Don’t stop talking…”
“Oh no, you’re running out of things to say…”
It was like I was doing everything humanly possible to NOT run out of things
to say.
And this meant completely abandoning everything I learned about creating
attraction simply to keep the conversation going.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Here is a simple realization that changed EVERYTHING…
YOU make the silences awkward.
In a moment I am going to give you two techniques diffusing some of the
tension built up during silences.
But first I want to make sure that you understand that silences are normal.
And it’s the way you react to that determines how she perceives them.
Think about, you have moments of silence when you’re talking to your
friends, family, or other acquaintances, and it is completely normal.
In fact, this clip of dialogue from the move Pulp Fiction sums it up very nicely:
Mia Wallace: Don’t you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak
about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you
can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.
So by the very nature of just projecting a level of comfort during the silence,
using the time to take a breather rather than yakking about nothing, you are
turning something that could have been “awkward” into something that
demonstrates a deeper level of rapport.
But in the quote above, Mia Wallace uses a good technique for diffusing the
tension built up during an uncomfortable silence.
Technique #1: Acknowledge it.
Yes, by simply acknowledging the silence you automatically break the tension.
The awkwardness and discomfort stem from the fact that you both know that
you’ve run out of things to say to each other.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
So rather than try to avoid this fact, simply acknowledge it, and then diffuse
the situation with humor.
Here is an example of something you can say:
“Oh no, an uncomfortable silence! Don’t panic, it’ll pass”.
By doing this, not only did you diffuse the situation, but you also
demonstrated a large amount of “social intelligence.”
Women HATE feeling awkward.
When you demonstrate the ability to keep things from getting awkward- you
are showing her that she can feel secure that she won’t feel that unbearable
level of discomfort that most men bring with them.
Technique #2: Use it as an opportunity to transition
Most guys fear these silences… but once you understand how to use them to
your benefit you’ll start to look forward to them.
What most guys do when the silence rears its ugly head is panic. And they try
to hide their panic by avoiding eye contact, fidgeting with their cell phone, or
filling the silence with “boring” questions that only make it more apparent
how they’ve got nothing left to discuss.
Try this instead:
Use the silence as an opportunity to move the conversation to a more intimate
level, or to move her to a different location.
During the silence, maintain eye contact with her, and then start speaking
very slowly after it.
Say something like:
“So what were you thinking when I came over to talk to you?”
“Let’s go outside for a minute, and we’re going to play something I call ‘the
questions game’.”
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Can you see how these silences allow you to add things into the conversation
that you would have found difficult if the both of you continued to yak about
bullshit?
As you begin to discover the little tricks of carrying a conversation you start to
realize that it is a lot easier than you imagined keeping a woman interested in
talking to.
In fact, with the right arsenal of tactics you can pretty much engage every
woman you talk to, making her excited to finally find a guy who does not bore
her to death.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Chapter #3:
The Best Conversation Topics
I’ve been teaching men how to improve their conversation skills and learn to
talk to women in an attractive way for several years now, and one question
seems to keep coming up over and over again and over and over again;
“What do I talk about?”
Doesn’t surprise you, does it?
If you spent any amount of time in the dating world than it is highly likely
that at some point you’ve experienced the frustration of running out of things
to say, awkward silences, and struggling to find topics of conversation that are
not flat out boring.
I call this the “What do I Talk About” Syndrome.
And it stems from the fact that most men have no clue what are good
conversation topics to generate attraction in women.
Sure, by now you probably realize that “interview mode” never leads to
attraction.
But you’re probably still wondering ‘what the hell do I talk about to fill all that
dead air with a woman- and what conversation topics will actually lead to her
feeling attraction towards me?”
Conversation Ammunition
Well, before I get into the actual topics, let’s first talk about why it is so
important to introduce the right topics into your conversations with women.
I already mentioned “interview mode.” Interview mode usually stems from
guys having no clue what to say next, so they revert to asking boring “fact
based” questions about the woman’s job, hometown, or family.
“Do you have any siblings?”
“Where did you go to college?”
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
“What made you decide to be a nurse?”
The main problem with these questions is that they are generic. They don’t
separate you from the hundreds of other guys who have probably asked the
same questions. Nor do they ignite any emotions or feelings of attraction.
Yet, because you don’t know what topics to talk about you continually let the
woman lead you into this dead end trap of a conversation.
Having a repertoire of topics that you can unleash at any moment allows you
to remain in control of the conversation.
If you read the “Gary Null Story” in my Small Talk Tactics Report (free at
www.makesmalltalksexy.com) than you saw how I easily handed over control
of the conversation to the woman- and was stuck talking about health food for
the next hour.
If you don’t have the ammunition to keep a conversation flowing naturally
towards YOUR OBJECTIVE… she will likely steer the conversation towards
something “safe” and “boring.” (And you’ll likely catch her giving one of your
mates a hand job an hour later)
But ultimately the most important reason to have pocket full of “sexy” topics
you can whip out at any time is that it will provide you with a level of
“conversational confidence” that will power you talk to a lot more women.
The number one fear that holds most men back from approaching a woman
they are interested in is the fear of awkward silences and running out of
things to say.
Now, we addressed that fear in the previous chapter.
And if you can inject your consciousness with a steady stream of topics you’ll
be much more “quick witted” and this fear will eventually disappear, and
you’ll naturally find yourself talking to women wherever you are.
What are the traits of good topics for conversation?
Not all topics are created equal.
And most will just bore her silly.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
She doesn’t want to hear about your job. She doesn’t care about how long
you’ve lived in your current city. And if one more guys asks her “Do you come
hear often?” she will probably scream.
So what are some traits of topics that she DOES want to talk about. And more
importantly, what are the traits of topics that will lead you to your desired
outcome; ATTRACTION.
There are six main traits that good topics possess:
1. A good topic should build rapport.
This means that the topic will allow you and the woman to relate to each other
on some level. It will give you an opportunity to build trust, and foster a
connection with her. Once a woman finds that you have some level of
connection with her… she will let her guard down and be much more open to
continuing the conversation.
2. A good topic should create an emotional state.
Most of us walk around in what I refer to as "a boredom trance." The daily
grind keeps us void of any real emotions. So we hunger for emotions. This is
why the entertainment industry is a multi-billion dollar a year business. It
satisfies our craving for an emotional state. If you choose topics that ignite
these lost or repressed "positive" emotions, the woman you are talking to will
be putty in your hands.
3. A good topic should make you three dimensional.
When a woman meets you she has trouble differentiating you from the
hundreds of other hound dogs who have approached her over her life. It is
easier for her to group you in with all of them and reject you. This is why it is
important that you immediately introduce topics that will create a unique
identity for you.
It is even more powerful to add some contradictions to your identity. (You are
an intellectual thinker- who also is an MMA fighter) This will not only make
you unpredictable but it will allow her to imagine herself having fun with you
in different types of scenarios.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
4. A good topic provides hooks to keep a conversation going.
Ultimately you want to get her to open up to you, express her emotions, and
become invested in the conversation. The best way to do this is provide hooks
for you to chime in. This means that a good topic acts as "bait" to hook her
into becoming more emotionally involved in the conversation.
5. A good topic allows you to display your attractive qualities.
There are certain characteristics that women universally find attractive. These
characteristics include: pre-selected by other women, social proof, and leader
of men, worldly, passionate, fun, and adventurous. The more of these
characteristics the topic allows you to display – the better.
6. A good topic leads to sexuality.
If your goal is to create sexual attraction in a woman then ultimately you need
to begin to build sexual tension. And the topics of your conversation must
allow you to do this. This means that a good topic should be visceral; it should
lend itself to touching, and should produce an undercurrent of sexuality.
Based on these six criteria I'm sure some good conversation topics are
beginning to pop into your head.
But I'm going to make it even easier for you. I've come up with the 15 topics
that best meet the six traits listed above.
These are 15 conversation topics that you can inject into any conversation and
immediately eliminate any boredom, fill awkward silences, and prevent
yourself from stalling out- or running out of things to say.
One word of warning, you still must introduce FLIRTING into the
conversation. We’ll get into that shortly. But these topics will give you a
framework of topics you can talk about while subtly moving things to a more
flirtatious vibe.
Here they are:
1. Glorified gossip
Glorified gossip is where you tell the story of people you know and something
that happened to one of them. This is the sort of thing PUA routines are based
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
on. This is all about taking the "drama" of your friend's lives and turning into
conversation. It is best to pick highly charged subjects that evoke strong
opinions. Anything dealing with relationships, sex, weird twists; think "Jerry
Springer." The more twisted the better.
I often tell the story of a friend who talked to a girl on the internet for almost a
year on daily basis. But every time they were supposed to meet something
would come up. Later he found out that she was a bored housewife who
actually lived thousands of miles away.
2. Unusual experiences
Have you ever met someone famous or fascinating? Did something bazaar or
intriguing ever happen to you or someone you know? When recounting the
story do a steady mix of facts and emotions. This means don't just recount
event. Get into the details of what you were thinking, how you were
processing what was happening. How we react in certain situations reveals
our true character. So don't be afraid to let the woman into your thoughts.
3. Passions and interests
As I said earlier, most people walk around in a "boredom trance" and never
experience anything that even remotely resembles passion. So we crave it.
And when we find someone who has genuine passion for something we are
often awed by them.
Passion also displays a level of certainty.
The fact that you are so passionate about something shows a woman that you
have clear values. It shows her that you can make up your own mind. And it
shows her that you have the confidence to make decisions.
But beware, because so many of us lack passion in our lives- we feel
threatened by other people's passion and often try to "shit test" them. This
means that a woman will often try to turn you against your passion to see if it
is legitimate. If you ever read The Fountainhead you know exactly what I
mean.
But don't let this stop you from discussing your passion. Whether it is writing,
art, music, movies, traveling, books, or playing golf.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
4. Early Struggles to get ahead
People love stories of loss and redemption, home town boy makes good, and
any sort of underdog story. These stories can include the time you beat up the
town bully; or how you slept in your car for six days because you were dead
broke, .only to later get the job of your dreams; or your struggle with cold
calling clients, moving to a new city, or your first time snowboarding.
People are bored if you talk about what is currently happening to you or focus
too much on yourself. But if you have a story where you faced a big obstacle
and overcame it- it will show the woman you're talking to that you are not the
sort of guy who backs down from a challenge. And will give her a chance to
recount one of her past glories.
5. Early years and childhood
Our childhood is a special place for all of us. Yet, we very rarely get a chance
to talk about it. When we do- it opens up a flood gate of emotions.
If something stands out vividly in your mind years after it happened it will
probably be interesting to the person you're talking to. I went to a nightmare
of a sleep-a-way camp when I was young, and can still capture the attention of
a room recounting the horrors of that experience.
You also want to ask her questions that will get her recounting her childhood
experiences. Not only does talking about our childhood years bring out
emotions many of us having felt in a while, it also is a refreshing change of
pace from our current reality.
6. Current pop culture
This is sort of a "go to" topic. It beats the weather, or "interview style"
questions but should only be using sparingly to fill dead air or as a way to find
hooks.
It's best to ask her opinion on something like "Would you ever date The
Situation from the Jersey Shore." You can also inject pop culture references
into your conversation to create a sense of rapport.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
7. Travel
People love to talk about travel. They key here is to let her talk. Don't feel the
need to jump in immediately and tell your stories or brag about where you've
been. Instead use it as an opportunity to dig deeper into her interests, desires,
and passions, and world views.
And have a couple your own "travel stories" ready. Instead of just giving a
laundry list of places you've been to, have one or two memorable stories from
one of your recent adventures. (The more exotic the location the better.)
Travel is an attraction trigger. Women are naturally attracted to men who
travel a lot. It makes them seem worldly and slightly out of reach.
8. Lessons you've learned
Do you have any valuable anecdotes where you learned a good lesson? We all
like to learn from the experiences of others. Since the object of your
conversation is to create attraction it is best to tell the anecdotes in an
amusing way.
I often tell the story of a boss who used to ride me hard at work. He gave me a
lot of shit. I recount some of the humorous (and exaggerated) accounts of
what he would do to make my life miserable. Later that same boss wound up
recommending me for a promotion, and I realized he was testing me to see if I
had what it takes.
9. Future ambitions
It is best to use a story of your future ambitions to root a question or
statement that will get her talking about hers. When a woman shares her
future ambitions with you it somehow connects you to her.
It is like she is letting giving you a little glimpses of her soul… and now that
you've seen it you share a bond with her.
It is important to point out that anytime a woman is sharing her future
ambition with you NEVER belittle her or crack jokes about it. For many of us,
no one ever gives us the opportunity to talk about our future goals and it is a
really big deal for us.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
10. Observations about her
We all love to hear observations about us by people who don’t really know us.
You can do this by cold reading her or just flat out telling her how she comes
across. This usually opens up Pandora's Box and an entire conversation worth
of material comes spilling out.
This is a great "conversation steroid." This means that no matter what topic
the two of you are discussing you can always insert your observation of her
into it.
For instance, if she is telling you about her recent trip to Africa; you can say:
”Wow. When I first started talking to you – you sort of gave off a really
"princess" like vibe, its cool to see that you are not afraid to get a little wild
and adventurous."
Can you see how a statement like that will open up Pandora's Box?
11. Observations about your surroundings
When talking to a woman it is usually fun to spend some time people
watching. This means you cold-read the people around you, or even create
"imaginary lives" for them. In order to use this effectively you need to become
"quick witted" and get good at spotting humorous or ironic things.
For instance, if you catch an older man with a really attractive younger date…
you could say "Is he rich or is she a working girl?" Or you could turn it into a
story and say something like "She moved out here to NY to become a model,
but too much partying left her ass a little bigger than the agencies liked, she
thought about going back home to Tennessee, but that would be too
embarrassing, so she convinced herself she is in love with Old Man
Clementine over here."
12. Music
Bonding over a shared interest in music is a classic way to build rapport with
someone. This is especially true if you both like obscure bands or styles of
music. But music can be an equally good topic of discussion even if you don't
share similar tastes.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
This is because it opens up an ample opportunity for some cold reading. Have
you noticed that people who like certain types of music share certain outlooks
on life? Certain commonalities? Tell her about. You can even use this as a
way to start cold reading her. So, there are the twelve best topics of
conversation for talking to women.
I know I only promised you 12 topics, but below I’ve included three more of
my all-time favorite topics. The bonuses topics below are GOLD. And you’d
be an idiot not to start using these immediately. In fact, I kind of hate sharing
them since they work so good.
Bonus Topics
I used to be so clueless as to what to talk to girls about that I actually begged
one of my friends to wear a “wire” so I could listen in.
My friend Jake, had a gift for talking to a girl for hours without running out of
things to say or turning towards boring dry topics that wind up losing her
interest.
Jake never agreed to wear the “wire.”
Although he let me listen in a few times from outside his door. I was able to
steal a few good ideas from him back then. A few of the ideas I still use to this
day.
Because they work. I figured I’d share some them with you.
13. Nemesis, Enemies, and Grudges
“I try to get on the same team as her.” Jake told me. “And the fastest way to
do that is to find a common enemy that we could both talk shit or gossip
about.”
He explained that sometimes the common enemy would be someone they
both went to school with, and he’d make her laugh by making fun of the
person in an amusing way. Or sometimes the common enemy would be their
mutual hatred of a type of music, the DMV, a certain holiday, or anything they
could mutual vent about.
He told me that one of his favorite questions to ask a girl is “Who is your
mortal enemy? Who is that one girl you’re always competing against? I’ve
found that to be a great question because once the girl starts telling you about
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
her “mortal enemy” it’s usually a pretty humorous story. And it’s also pretty
easy to tease her about it.
Now you want to stay on the “fun” side when talking about grudges or
enemies and not move over into getting too negative or spiteful.
Make it a fun topic.
14. Top 10 Lists
“Everyone loves making top 10 lists” Jake once told me.
And he’s right.
People love making them, and they love listening to them. And they love
arguing about them.
Girls love talking about themselves. And the next best thing to talking about
yourself is giving your opinion on things.
Whether it’s her “top 10 celebrity crushes” or her “top 10 albums” or her “top
10 dream vacations” or her “top 10 favorite places to have sex” you’ve just
introduced a fun topic that will keep the conversation rolling a long for a bit.
And once again, more than likely, some of her answers are sure to give you
material to tease her on. And it can also give you something to playfully argue
about.
15. Inventing a “Mission”
This is one of my favorite things that Jake taught me. “Try to find a mission
that the two of you can jokingly work on together.”
He would try to find something that he and the girl both agreed on, and then
he would turn it into some kind of mission.
“Let’s make it our mission to stop guys from “grunting” at the gym”
“Let’s make it our mission to stop senile old people from being allowed to
drive.”
“Let’s make it our mission to bring back the Magnum PI mustache.”
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
The whole point would be to create this “mission” so that it could be a
common conversation topic that they could go back to when the conversation
got stale.
The best missions are humorous ones that allow you to role play with some
imaginary scenarios.
Remember, this isn’t a mission you’re actually going to do together, just
something that you can riff on for a bit.
What you’re really doing with each of these topics is fishing for things to tease
her about and flirt with her. You’re trying to “bait” her into saying or doing
something that allows you take the focus of the conversation onto her.
So those are three additional conversation threads I learned from my friend
Jake many years ago. I still use these threads often, and they never fail to give
me material to tease a woman on.
Tips for Implementing
Once you know what sort of topics make for best conversations with women it
is time to start introducing them into your conversations.
The best way to do this is through a technique I call "rooting."
"Rooting" means you say something that plants the seed of what you are
about to say next."
For instance, if you want to begin talking about "early childhood memories"
you could say something like:
"You totally have this way about you that reminds me of my third grade
teacher Mrs.
Robbins. Haha I remember one time in that class…"
See how you easily began talking about "early childhood memories" by simply
rooting it by telling her she reminds you of your third grade teacher.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Create a story folder
One of the best suggestions I can give you is create a folder on your computer
titled "stories."
And whenever you recount a story that would fit into any of these topics
discussed in this article- file it away.
You can them pull the stories out and fine tune the details. Add things that
make the story funnier or more dramatic. Don't be afraid to exaggerate. She
expects that you're probably exaggerating a bit anyway.
Mix and Match four stories
The best way for you to begin remembering to begin telling stories and
statements based off of the topics in this article is to begin by choosing four.
Pick the four topics that resonate the most with you, and create four stories
that will allow you to introduce the topic into the conversation.
These will be your four "practice" topics so don't be discouraged if you mess
up the story or if you begin to feel like you're repeating yourself. Once you get
comfortable focusing on four topics- then you can begin to focus on some of
the other topics I've outlined here.
If you follow this advice and focus on keeping your conversations focused on
the previous 15 topics you'll quickly find that your conversations begin to
sparkle with more attraction, fun, and sexuality.
In the next chapter, we’ll move into 9 powerful techniques you can
immediately add to your conversation.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Chapter 4:
9 Tactics For More Charismatic Conversations
with Women
Let’s face it; talking to a beautiful woman does not come easily to too many of
us.
In fact, so much of our energy and anxiety is deplored just gathering up the
courage to approach her, that by the time the conversation begins we’re burnt
out and can’t think of a damn thing to say.
Holding a fun and flirtatious conversation with a woman does not need to be
difficult.
But I can tell you right now, that if you start talking to a woman, and quickly
find yourself asking her a lot of questions about her job, school, if she has
pets, or any other type of questions that even vaguely resemble stuff that
would be on a job application- you’re dead in the water.
So I’ve put together a list of nine ways to make sure that you’re having
conversations filled with fun and banter- and ultimately escalate you toward
your goal of sleeping with her.
Now, we’ll go deeper into many of these throughout the remainder of the
book, but I wanted to give you some “fast start” techniques that you can start
using immediately.
1. Avoid asking too many questions… instead make statements
After breaking the ice with a woman, most guys will immediately start
bombarding her with questions. These questions usually tend to be boring
“get to know you” questions… you know, the same sort of questions your aunt
will ask you at a family party. Asking too many questions not only bores her,
but it will also prevent her from actually engaging in the conversation. What
usually happens is men will jump from question to question, without ever
having the sense to expand upon a topic you can tell she loves to talk about.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Try this instead:
Any time you are talking to a woman and you ask her a question, follow up
her answer with a statement rather than simply moving on to the next
question.
This not only shows that you are listening to her, but also shows that you can
connect at a different level. And will usually open up the conversation to move
toward more fun or intimate topics.
You: So do you have any pets?
Her: Yea, I actually have three of the cutest cats in the world.
You: Mmm…. So you are one of those women with cats, huh?
(sly smile)
Her: Stop it.. haha… no I’m not one of those crazy cat women… I just
love my cats.
You: They say people who like cats tend to me more independent than
dog lovers.
As you can see, just by following up the question with a statement, you are
able to expand on the topic and bring a little fun and banter to the
conversation.
2. Qualify her
Once a man senses any sort of rapport with a woman, he immediately
becomes scared shitless of breaking that rapport or saying anything that will
damage his chances of moving forward. So he stays on “safe” topics.
Unfortunately, this tends to work counter-productive, and usually winds up
boring a woman that was previously interested.
Try this instead:
Once you sense that you’ve sparked a woman’s interest a little bit begin
qualifying her with questions or statements that place you in the role of “the
selector.”
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
This means you will make a statement that may disqualify her as potential
lover.
Let’s use the cat example from above to demonstrate:
You: So do you have any pets?
Her: Yea, I have three of the cutest cats in the world.
You: mmm… We would never get along. I’m a dog person, and what
I’ve heard is that dog and cat owners tend to have a really intense sexual
connection, but disagree on every other possible point.
As you can see, you took a “safe” topic like pets and were able to bring an
element of sexuality to the conversation.
Not only that, but by making the statement “we would never get along” you’re
now placing the burden of approval seeking on her.
3. Use Cold Reads
As men, we love to talk about facts, events, and amusing surface level stories.
While all of these should make up a great deal of your conversations they tend
to limit you from certain areas that really seem to ignite passion in a woman.
Women get their “fix” from talking about the mystical, or the deeper level.
Women love to delve into the emotional meaning behind the facts, events, or
surface level stories.
If you never hint to a woman that you are capable of communicating on this
different wave length you’re missing out on a great opportunity to separate
yourself from other men.
Try this instead:
Next time you’re talking to woman, try using a cold reading that will allow you
to go beneath the surface level, and get her to open up to some of her feelings.
A cold read is simply stating something you’ve noticed about her, and then
making a deeper observation about it.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
Here is an example that you could use fairly soon into a conversation when
she says something about a previous date or guy she knew.
You: I can tell just by the way that you are talking there that you are the
kind of girl who goes on a lot of dates but has trouble finding someone
you’re actually interested in. Then when you find that person, you
usually lose interest very quickly.
Her: Yea… that’s so true.
You: I bet you really love adventure… sometimes it scares you, but deep
down you crave something exciting. And what is probably happening is
every time you’re meeting these guys… you sense within that they are
not going to satisfy that adventure you crave.
This particular example allowed you do delve into the mystical and emotional,
and also allowed you to disqualify the other guys, and at the same time,
present yourself as something new, exciting, and different, who just might be
the cure for her ailment.
4. Talk about things that you are passionate about
Since most men stick to “interview mode” topics like work and school… they
seldom have a chance to demonstrate their passionate and excited side to a
woman. Instead they talk about topics that bore them, and in turn, bore the
woman.
Try this instead:
When you ask a woman what she looks for in a man, pretty much all women
will use the word passionate. While most of the time, I take what women say
they want with a grain of salt, in this case, I found this to be completely true.
The fact is, “enthusiasm breeds enthusiasm.” When you talk to a woman,
stress the things you are passionate and enthusiastic about. Having passion
towards something can take a relatively mundane subject like cooking, and
elevate it to an engrossing conversation. If you love to travel, let her get a
sense of what exactly excites you about seeing the world. If you’re into
building your business let her see the leader in you, let your entrepreneurial
spirit shine bright, if you love music, or art, or movies, don’t hide it.
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This doesn’t mean brag about your knowledge of these subjects it means
explain what about them really drives you. Women like men with drive, men
who know what they want and go after it, let women see that side of you.
5. Tease her
When most men approach a beautiful woman, they put her on a pedestal…
and because of this they tend to treat her like she is royalty.
Most men become deathly afraid of offending her. They become so worried
about looking cool or coming up with the perfect thing to say, that the
conversation quickly fizzles out.
Women want a guy that is fun to be around. The truth is we are all still
children at heart.
Although most of us love a good intellectual conversation from time to time,
when we are out at a bar or on a date, we just want to relax, laugh a little bit,
and have a good time, forgetting about the worries and stress in our life.
And the best way to do that is to keep the conversation playful and fun. We
will go further into teasing and flirting in later chapter, but for now they this.
Try this instead:
First and foremost, the whole point of teasing is to create a fun environment
where a woman can loosen up and open up to you.
Teasing basically means being silly with a girl.
It means treating her the same way you would your bratty little sister. It
means picking on her in a fun and flirtatious way.
Here is the thing, effective teasing means that you will have to drop your cool
guy image for a while and just relax and have some fun with her. Don’t be
afraid to be a little goofy.
Here are some examples of teasing:
- Getting ready to give her a high five… then pulling your hand away like you
changed your mind
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
- Imitating her
- Suggesting she’s coming on to you
- Tell her an overtly exaggerated lie, and then pick on her for being gullible
and believing you
As you can see, these are the same sort of things you did on the playground in
the fourth grade.
They worked then, and they work now.
6. Learn to improvise
One of the biggest problems men complain about is running out of things to
talk about.
This usually happens for two reasons.
First, the conversation stalls out because they don’t recognize how to
smoothly change a conversation thread.
The second reason the conversation stalls out is because the men don’t
provide enough new threads for the women to grab onto.
What usually happens is a man will ask a question, and then immediately
begin to think about what he is going to say next. Because of this, he isn’t
really focused on listening to what the woman is saying, and misses new
conversation topics that he could have easily transitioned into.
Try this instead:
The next time you are talking to a woman always try to present her with
several different topics that she can latch onto when crafting your sentences.
For example, instead of just saying “I love baseball,” which limits the
conversation thread to the topic of baseball. Say, “I love baseball because
when I was young my father you used to take me to games, and now that I’m
older I feel a real sense of nostalgia towards it.”
Now instead of forcing her to talk about baseball, she has the option of
transitioning to one of the other threads you’ve brought up.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
She can tell a story of somewhere her dad used to take her when she was a
little girl. Or she can talk about any number of things she feels nostalgia for.
Now when she is talking, you should be listening for the same openings that
she is giving you.
For example, if she says “I love to cook, my mom taught me how to cook, and
now I even find myself watching those stupid cooking shows on TV.”
Instead of just staying on the cooking thread you can say something like, “yea,
I’m the same way with those travel shows on TV. I start watching them and
get sucked into all of the amazing locations, so where would you go on
vacation if money wasn’t a factor?”
Do you see how easy it was to transition to a new topic simply by taking one
word (tv) and improvising off it to a completely new topic?
Most men are under the false impression that beautiful women don’t want to
talk to them.
This is not the case. Beautiful women crave fun and flirtatious conversations
just as much as we do. As I said in the introduction, they are ROOTING for
you.
The fact is, there are so few men who know how to peak a woman’s interest
through talking to her, that she is actually dying to meet a man who can.
The main reason most men don’t communicate well with women is because
they let their nervousness and anxiety prevent them from showing a woman
their fun side.
The second biggest reason a man doesn’t connect with a woman is because he
doesn’t talk to her in a way that she responds to.
7. Concentrate on the emotions rather than facts
Women are different than men. Duh!
As we talked about earlier in this book, women love to talk about the meaning
behind actions and the emotions they evoke.
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It is also true that the emotions that you arise during a conversation she will
subconsciously anchor them to you.
This means that if you are talking about relationships and she starts talking
about all of the bad feelings she experienced with her previous boyfriend, she
will begin to associate you with those feelings.
Try this instead:
If it is true that women will anchor negative feelings to you, than it must be
true that women will anchor positive feelings to you.
This is why it is important to draw her into a positive emotional state. One
way to do this, as discussed in the last section, is to tease her.
Another way to do this is to ask questions and make statements that prompt
her to talk about specific feelings that she has for something.
If you are talking to a woman and she mentions the fact that she likes to go
snowboarding; instead of talking about facts such as what mountain does she
usually snowboard at, or what kind equipment does she use (which is
common questions you would ask another man) get her to talk about the
feelings she experiences while snowboarding.
For example:
You: Did you do anything fun last weekend?
Her: Yea I went snowboarding. I had the best time.
You: Wow. I love snowboarding. I think I’m literally addicted to the
rush I get going down the mountain. What about you? What excites you
most about snowboarding?
Her: Well I guess it would be that feeling of adventure… like going so
fast, being so scared, but not wanting it to end because it feels like
you’re really living.
In this example you’ve taken the topic of snowboard and talked about the
meaning behind snowboarding and emotions it evokes.
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Since these are emotions are positive, you’ve put the woman in a positive
mood, and she has subconsciously anchored the feeling of adventure,
excitement, and not wanting it to end – to you.
8. Tell more stories (that put you in a positive light)
When a bunch of guys are sitting around with each other it becomes almost a
competition as to who can tell the best story. We try to tell stories that make
us appear the funniest, coolest, or most dominant guy in the group.
Yet for some reason when we get around a woman we totally forget to make
use of this skill.
A woman wants to figure things out about you on her own. She doesn’t
necessarily trust everything that you’re saying, so she is trying to look for little
clues that will help her determine where you fit in the pecking order.
Stories are a natural way to capture someone’s attention.
And if told right, they are also a great way to drop subtle clues as to the finer
points of your persona.
As you tell a story you need to remember that a woman is listening to your
story, but at the same time she is reading behind the lines to make certain
judgments about you.
For instance, let’s say you tell a story how Tuesday afternoon you were lying
in bed with a hangover and someone kept knocking on your door, until finally
you answered it and it was these annoying religious freaks trying to convert
you to some weird new religion.
Well, while you may have intended the story to be funny farce about the
annoying religious people, she has already begun to pigeonhole you as the
kind of guy who gets drunk on Monday nights, doesn’t have a job he has to
wake up for, and has no ambition to get out of bed until the afternoon.
Unless you both are in college, these are not necessarily traits that will excite
her.
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Try this instead:
You don’t want to come off a bragging during your stories. This is why any
positive details about your life you want to emphasize must be hidden within
a larger story.
This means, while the story itself does not have to be positive, she must be
able to uncover positive traits about you from within the story.
Let’s use the same story above about the religious folks knocking on the door
and see how we could tell it in a way that sheds some positive light on you.
You: So Tuesday afternoon I’m sleeping late. This was like the first good
comfortable sleep I’ve had in a couple weeks as I’ve been busting my ass
trying to elevate my business to the next level.
Monday night we scored a kick ass contract and me and my team finally
decided it was time to celebrate.
So now Tuesday morning I’m lying in bed, with the kind of hangover I haven’t
had in years, and I keep hearing a knock on the door.
I just don’t want to get out of bed. Later that night I had a few more important
meetings, I really wanted to sleep off the hangover so I would be in top shape
to deliver the proposal.
Well, the knocking stops for like ten minutes… but then starts up again. And
now they’re ringing my bell too.
Finally I throw on some clothes and head downstairs and answer the door…
and it’s these two little girls.
At first I’m thinking they want to sell me girl scout cookies, but then she
hands me this flyer that says:
“Let Jesus save you from your treacherous life” and I’m thinking “am I on
some sort of list or something? haha”
In this version of the story I included enough details to let her jump to the
conclusion that I am an ambitious and successful businessman.
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But I never came out and said it. I gave her this information in the context of
a story about a couple of religious nuts trying to convert me.
9. Remember the non-verbal’s
In the next section I’m going to talk about how to draw a woman into your
conversations. In this section I discuss the subtle things you need to be doing
to project that you are a fun, confident man that she should feel excited to be
talking to.
Most men don’t do this. Instead, most men let their nervousness control their
entire body and they wind up coming off fidgety, tense, and even slightly
awkward. This happens because while men are talking to a woman they get
stuck in their own head.
They begin concentrating extremely hard on how they can impress the
woman.
Try this instead:
A tip that I heard from a great pickup artist once that has helped me over the
years is to imagine that the woman has already told you that later she is going
to get naked and sprawl out over you bed and let you have your way with her.
If you knew this, how would you act?
You would probably be quite laid back, with a knowing sly smile on your face,
and you would have no problem getting fun and flirtatious because there
wasn’t a risk of rejection.
Well, can you imagine how acting this way can actually get you the result of
having a woman sprawled out naked in your bed?
Give it a shot next time you’re out.
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Chapter 5:
How to Draw Women In
When most guys set out to improve their interactions with women they
immediately begin researching pickup lines.
And while good opening lines have their place in a conversation, there are
other elements that will improve your chances of drawing a woman into your
conversation that are much more powerful than a couple clever lines.
In fact, guys who place too much emphasis on coming up with a clever
opener, usually wind up falling flat on their face a few minutes into the
conversation when the initial conversational thread dies out.
Other guys assume that everything has to do with how “cool” and “alpha” you
appear to a woman.
The problem that arises here is that many men become so focused on
portraying “alpha” body language that they wind up appearing stiff and
unnatural.
They also find that their desire to come off as “cool” makes them really just
come off as cold or boring.
I already told a couple stories earlier how trying to be the “cool guy” cost me A
LOT of girls throughout my life.
The “cool” factor should really come from being calm and sure of yourself.
That “cool” feeling comes from speaking in a relaxed fashion, but giving the
impression that there is more, that there is a “fire” beneath the surface.
That’s the “allure”.
That’s what women like.
The coolest people are the ones that are fun to talk to and fun to be with.
I’ve been passing along a little slogan that has helped me when I was in a
social situation and wasn’t quite sure how to draw women into my
conversation.
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Charismatic Conversation Secrets
I would just ask myself “What would Tommy Lee do?”
If you aren’t familiar with Tommy Lee just go to Youtube and watch some
videos of him and you’ll begin to get a better understanding of what I mean.
So what draws women in?
Let’s go through some of the important aspects of being fun.
1. Your Voice
One of the biggest tools that you have for drawing women into your
conversations is your voice. Your tone of voice really conveys a lot about who
you are, how calm you are, how interesting you are, and says a lot about you.
Your tone of voice is so important because it allows you to convey comfort,
and demonstrate that sense of the all-powerful relaxed confidence. It also
allows you to express some energy and excitement at different times,
especially when it is appropriate to the situation.
There are many articles and books on improving your voice tonality, but the
common fundamental seems to be speaking from your chest rather than your
nose or mouth.
Take a moment right now to test this out; grab some reading material and
begin reading it out loud.
However, focus on generating the sound from deep within your chest. Relax.
Sound relaxed. See how relaxed this makes you feel and how relaxed you
need to be to do this.
Over the next few days when speaking to anyone, make a note to yourself as to
how you are speaking, and where you are speaking from (your nose, mouth,
or chest). Also, make note of how you felt (nervous, comfortable, and relaxedconfident).
2. Pacing and Pausing
Another way to better engage a woman in your conversations is to let them
flow better through the use of pacing and pausing.
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This is important because correct pacing and speed of delivery conveys
comfort and shows that you are relaxed.
If you have a habit of speaking too quickly you are probably demonstrating
tension and even a sense of panic. Being able to vary your pacing and pausing
can help a lot to convey a sense of intrigue and create interest.
For the next few days, start to focus on changing your pacing and pausing, to
convey a more relaxed and deliberate manner.
Use variations in pace, and well-placed pauses, to convey a sense of drama
and intrigue in what you are saying in a way that “captivates” people and
makes them want to listen to you.
3. Energy and Enthusiasm
When I use my “What would Tommy Lee do?” motto it usually relates to the
energy and enthusiasm he brings to all of his interactions.
No matter what he is doing, you get the sense that he is having a hell of a good
time doing it.
Most guys are just TOO BORING.
It’s good to have the ability and range to display passion, enthusiasm, energy,
and excitement when appropriate. If someone else is being interesting, you
can show an appropriate amount of energy and enthusiasm.
This also allows you to convey how interesting someone else is as well. When
someone else is being boring, you act boring, or bored. By doing this, you get
stuck in fewer boring, dead-end conversations. If they do or say something
that is interesting to you, then you can show more enthusiasm.
For the next few conversations you have with women where you ARE
interested in the subject, go ahead and SHOW your enthusiasm! Be energetic
in how you speak, how you listen, and how your respond. Go ahead and start
using energy and enthusiasm when speaking so that women can become
energized and enthusiastic about listening to and being with you.
Other Elements of Drawing Women Into Your Conversations
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In addition to methods listed above for making your conversations more
appealing to women, one of the biggest skills that you can learn is the art of
storytelling.
As we discussed in the previous section, men who can tell a good story will
generally always have a crowd of eager women waiting to hear what they have
to say next.
Becoming a good story teller is just a matter of practice. The first thing that
you need to do is take notes throughout your life of stories that are worth
retelling. When something happens, write it down. And later, practice telling
the story out loud.
Do you remember the scene is Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Orange is practicing
his story? You need to bring the same commitment to perfecting a few good
stories. By having a few “go to” stories you will feel more confident within
conversations, and you will also better develop your skill to do “on the spot”
storytelling.
4. Keep things light and fun
When I think of the “What would Tommy Lee do?” motto I also think about
his ability to keep things on a light and fun level.
It is not necessary to be the funniest guy in the room. It is necessary to be the
most fun and engaging. You don’t need to be the guy that has everybody
constantly laughing… but you should strive to be the guy who constantly has a
smile on everyone’s face and always tends to bring out other people’s playful
and silly side.
If you can do this, you will have no problem drawing women into your
conversations.
In the next chapter you’re going to learn how to make a girl laugh.
Chapter 5: Be FUN, Not Funny
It was only recently I came to realize that making women laugh was
completely different than I had previously thought. For the longest time I
used to believe that that the same humor that had my friends cracking up
would naturally cause the same reaction in the women I was talking to.
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Wouldn’t it make sense? Isn’t comedy supposed to be universal? Shouldn’t
that be that how to make a girl laugh?
But when I really started to pay attention to what women were laughing at I
started to notice; The sarcastic wit that made me a hit around most of my guy
friends very seldom got positive reactions around women.
Some of the guys I knew who had the lamest, most childish humor, often
seemed to get the best reaction of women. Women very rarely judged the
originality and cleverness of humor the way my guy friends did.
So what do women find funny?
About eight years ago I really started to get serious about trying to figure out
what I was doing wrong with my interactions with women.
It was at this point that I came across a book that taught the concept of cocky
and funny. The concept made a lot of sense, so I tweaked my humor, and
started interacting with women in this new, different manner.
Having misunderstood the advice contained within the book, I set out to
basically bully women into liking me. I used sharp sarcasm and ironic wit to
often humiliate women.
The worst thing that happened to me was that I actually found several girls
that just ate this shit up. These few women loved it. And I took it as sign that
this was the correct way to make women laugh, so I proceeded to use this
same humor on every woman I met.
And failed miserably.
What I hadn’t realized was that the few girls that seemed to really enjoy this
sarcastic humor, while attractive, were somewhat of tomboys with a
masculine energy that didn’t represent the rest of the female population.
I was about to give up.
Then one day I just sat there and watched my friend Jake interact with
women. Jake had always been somewhat of a natural with women. I could
never understand it as I found his humor silly and childish… and he rarely
said anything that would have any of my male friends laughing.
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I mentioned three of Jake’s favorite topics in a previous chapter.
As I watched him, I began to pay more attention to the way women were
reacting to him.
The women that were surrounding him had a permanent smile on their faces.
While they were never rolling on the floor laughing, they were constantly in a
state of playfulness and fun.
Now curious, I began to hone in on exactly what he was doing. As I listened I
found that he was interacting with them the same way a fourth grade boy
would interact with a fourth grade girl on the playground.
There was no ground breaking humor.
Instead there was constant silliness. He was perpetually teasing them. He
was making funny faces. Using his voice to tell stories in a way that reminded
me of an over energized nine year old telling the story of how he beat up the
town bully.
There was an endless barrage of only mildly amusing jokes, goofy movie
quotes, and shameless physical flirting.
But the girls were eating it up.
It was right then that I came to realize that women don’t want funny.
They want fun.
I had always concentrated so hard on finding those perfect one-liners that
would pronounce me the king of comedy and have my audience amazed at my
originality and wit, that I forgot who my audience was.
Women aren’t that funny. Women don’t really care about original, witty, and
sharp humor. Women want to have fun. They don’t want to have to think.
And if your jokes are making them think too much, you’re probably taking
them out of the moment.
Fun is the currency of conversations. If someone is having fun, they are
naturally going to be open to you and open to what you are doing and saying.
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More importantly, if she is having fun, she won’t be thinking logically, she will
be thinking emotionally. She won’t be thinking “is this guy good for me?” or
“what are his faults?” She’ll be thinking “this feels fun, this feels good, I need
to just go with it.”
There are a number of ways to bring fun into the conversation. One of the
easiest is to make fun of yourself. Admit you like cheesy pop music or say
you’ve seen every episode of the Smurfs three times. This keeps the mood
light AND it also breaks her out of the expectations that she has for guys in
general: that they will try to brag and impress her.
Making these humorous admissions should not be embarrassing, they will
actually make you more attractive in her eyes.
Another thing I like to do is give her a fake palm reading. It’s raises the level
of fun, it gives you lots of opportunities for more playful humor, AND it gives
you a chance for some flirty hand-to-hand contact.
A simple process for having fun with women
If you’re a guy having trouble making women laugh, then your first step is to
look around and pay attention to what they are actually laughing at. You’ll see
that they much rather watch silly romantic comedies than the witty indie dark
comedies that win all the awards.
You’ll see that they don’t care much about the originality of your jokes, and in
fact they are more likely to laugh at you repeating a knock knock joke you
heard in the sixth grade than whatever sarcastic remark that pops into your
mind.
You’ll see that women don’t appreciate the concept of “cool” the way men do.
Women would rather you take the stick out of your ass and act in a fun silly
way than stand around like you’re a big shot.
Playground humor never gets old. Never.
Women want you be around a guy that allows them to have fun. The next
time that you are out with a woman and engaged in a conversation with her,
make it a priority to take the conversation back to the playground. As you are
talking to her, imagine that the two of you are a couple of nine year olds on
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the playground during recess of school. Begin acting in a manner congruent
to this.
Use things like the “Mouse race”
With the mouth race you take a pen and tell the woman that:
Three mice are having a race, a blind mouse, and dumb mouse, and a deaf
mouse. You put the men pen to arm and say “here is the blind mouse, tell
him when to stop” and you start drawing.
She’ll say stop right away.
Then you say “here is the dumb mouse, tell him when to stop” and you start
drawing.
She’ll say stop right away.
Then you say “here is the deaf mouse, tell him when to stop” and you start
drawing. This time when she says stop you keep drawing. She’ll say stop
again. And you’ll keep drawing.
If she doesn’t get it… look at her and say “he’s deaf, he can’t hear you.” And
keep drawing. By now you’ve drawn a line up her arm.
This is something completely stupid. Something that was funny in 2nd grade.
But for some reason, it’s funny all over again.
It’s always good to have a few of these little games ready. You never want to
do more than a couple of them as they will get old. But by doing a one or two
you show the girl that you’re the kind of guy that doesn’t take himself too
seriously and who she can have fun around.
She’ll appreciate that a lot more than that witty ironic observation you spent
an hour perfecting the joke in your mind. Remember, take her back to the
playground.
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Chapter 6:
Flirting For the “Unfunny Guy”
So in the last section we talked a bit about what kind of humor attract women.
But I always get the question “what if I’m just not naturally funny?”
Well, as we already established FUN is way more important than funny.
However, some guys say “what if I don’t have a good sense of humor?”
Let’s face something; Not all of us are funny. Sure, we pull off some one liner
that impresses our friends from time to time, and occasionally we just “click”
with a woman and have her laughing hysterically, but most of the time our
sense of humor is just “average”… at best.
So what do we do most of the time? If you’re like I was, then maybe you drag
yourself out to a bar… and PRAY. I would pray that I was “on” or that I would
stumble upon a girl I just connected with instantly so that I could avoid that
anxious feeling I got when I searched my mind for something funny to say
and came up BLANK.
Yes, more times than not, I just couldn’t seem to find those perfect lines that
some guys seem to possess for just about any situation. And I couldn’t figure
out how to transition into that “playground humor” I talked about in the last
chapter.
Maybe you had a friend like my buddy Leo. You introduce Leo to ANYBODY
and within minutes he he’ll have them cracking up. He knew exactly how to
flirt.
Girls could say ANYTHING to Leo, and he’d find a way to turn it into
something they could share a laugh over. Even as they were saying “you’re
such an asshole…” they had been smiles plastered on their faces.
For years… I wanted to be Leo.
Then I came to a stark, depressing, and then ultimately liberating realization:
I would never be Leo.
I would never possess a mind that ALWAYS has some funny remark to make.
My mind just didn’t work that way. And the more I tried to force it the more
BORING I became.
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So I stopped forcing it.
Here is something I learned as I began to pay attention to more and more
men who were successful with women: Most of them aren’t that funny. Most
of them have an average sense of humor just like you and me.
The difference is they don’t depend on being “funny” to flirt with women.
They naturally understood something that took me years to figure out; flirting
isn’t being “funny.” Flirting is communicating with a woman in a “sexual”
way.
And there are DOZENS of ways to do this.
In fact, a whole lot of “sexual communication” can take place without you ever
even opening your mouth.
- Smiling at a woman at just the right moment is flirting.
- Letting a woman catch you checking her out is flirting.
- Winking at a woman right in middle of her telling you off… is flirting.
In fact, 3 of the biggest factors in flirting have absolutely nothing to do with
what comes out of your mouth.
I still remember the night this clicked for me. I realized that a subtle glance, at
just the right moment, says more than any words possibly could.
Let me tell you a story that demonstrates some of these flirting tips.
I was standing near behind an extremely hot woman waiting to order a drink.
She was sipping a mixed drink from a straw. Something made her laugh and
she blew into the glass and the drink poured out.
I wanted to talk to this girl so I desperately searched my mind for something
witty to say. I drew a blank. So instead of forcing something unfunny or
awkward, I waited for the exact moment she looked up at me and our eyes
met, and simply shook my head back and forth and gave her one those looks
that says “Can’t take you anywhere.”
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She then turned to her friends and started chatting with them. I squeezed in
to order my drink. My mind, still trained to make the same mistakes I talked
about earlier, is now racing to find something funny to follow up with.
While the bartender was handing me my drink, one of her friends turned and
asked me some question. I then turned into the group of three girls. I said
something that made the group laugh. I then caught eyes with the one I was
interested in and gave her subtle look that said “don’t spill it this time.”
The girl was a little tipsy. Not stupid drunk, but buzzed enough to know she
was a little drunk. Later in the conversation she starts telling me a story about
something that had happened to her the night before. She is excited about the
story and talking quite fast. She trips over a word or two. I then give her a
look similar to the Rock’s eyebrow raise. Not a blatant eye brow raise, but a
look that says “you lost me sweetie.”
She then slapped my chest and said “stop it”
And its on.
What I learned during that interaction was that flirting is just as much nonverbal as it is verbal.
3 Key Flirting Tips With Women
There were three key factors I discovered about how to flirt that night that
quickly took my game to the next level. And I want to share these flirting tips
with you:
1. Timing
2. Subtleness
3. Facial expressions and glances
Every interaction has a beat. And once you learn to get in tune with the beat
of an interaction, your social intelligence will appear to sky rocket.
The great stand-up comedians have mastered the art of timing. Rent videos of
some of the all-time greats… and study how they use timing.
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When the woman at the bar spilled her drink I waited for the right moment. I
didn’t rush to make a comment, making my interest too apparent. And I
didn’t wait until later to use it as a joke. I simply waited for the inevitable
moment that our eyes met, and subtly shook my head. She smiled.
And the dance began.
Flirting with women is a skill you must learn if you want to seduce them. But,
there are more than one ways to skin a cat. Within this book are some of the
best flirting tips I can give you.
Now when you talk to a woman in a way that attracts her you’ll begin to notice
that women will:
- Make excuses to keep talking to you
- Touch you more (putting her hand under your shirt, or feeling your muscles)
- Getting jealous when you talk to other girls
- Laughing at your jokes (even the ones that aren’t that funny)
- Leaning in and grinding up against you
The one thing I want to leave you with is: Learning how to flirt and get good
with girls, so that you can attract them… it’s easier than you think.
And throughout this book I’m going to continue to make it easier for you so
that you have absolutely no excuses.
Chapter 6: Turn Nervousness into Sexual Electricity
As I mentioned in earlier chapters, throughout high school and into my first
semester of college I was absolutely paralyzed by my fear of talking to
beautiful women.
The minute I sensed an interaction coming, I would tense up, my mouth
would dry, my voice would crack, and I would feel my body visibly shaking. I
began to fear this reaction so much that I completely avoided talking with any
women. Heck, even merely thinking about approaching a woman brought
about this paralyzing reaction.
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As I became determined to get better with women I thought the solution was
to completely eliminate this nervousness and fear. I tried various forms of
affirmations, nlp, self-hypnosis, and visualizations. But none of this seemed
to work. In fact, the only thing that ever provided me the courage to chat up a
woman was drinking, lots of drinking.
Unfortunately, while drinking gave me the courage to approach, by the time
that courage arrived, I had lost most of my ability to hold a conversation
without making a complete jackass out of myself.
Around the same time I was battling this approach anxiety with women, I was
quickly conquering a lifelong “stage fright” I had about performing in front of
large groups of people.
I was in a fraternity at college, and we routinely performed a homecoming skit
in front of an audience containing several thousand people every year. Our
skit had a long reputation as being the “show stealer” and we always had a
pressure to perform.
I came to realize something after performing a major role in two of the skits.
The realization was that on game day, in front of the thousands of people,
with all the pressure on… we actually performed at a much higher level.
Yes, the actual performance ALWAYS came off many times better than our
rehearsals that we did in private. This is not a phenomenon isolated to us, in
fact; musicians, actors, public speakers, and athletes often talk about “Game
Day Performance” always out performing their practice sessions.
These same musicians, actors, public speakers, and athletes routinely talk
about how the pressure elevates them to a higher level, and how the fear turns
into an adrenaline rush that ignites an almost zen like state. And how they
feed off the energy of the crowd.
During my times performing in front of thousands of people at MSU I came to
understand what they meant by that.
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Feeding off the energy of a woman
It was also during the same period that I came to realize something else in
regards to nervousness with women:
If you completely lose your nervousness around a woman, you also lose the
sexual tension, the excitement, the desire to perform, and a bit of your mojo.
Yes, after clawing and fighting my way into several relationships during
college, I quickly learned that once that nervousness around a woman fades,
so does my excitement to interact with her. And not only does my excitement
diminish, but so does my performance.
When there is no pressure, no fear, and no nervousness, I find that I am much
less often “on.” My jokes aren’t as funny. I am much less charismatic. And
the sexual tension is completely zapped from the room.
You hear the same story from the athletes, musicians, and public speakers.
Many of them will declare how once they become too comfortable their
performance diminishes. It loses the spark that harbored all the passion and
energy.
The key to overcoming your nervousness around women is NOT to completely
eliminate it. No, complete elimination of your fear would probably kill your
mojo and prevent you from performing at a peak level.
Instead, you want to turn that nervousness into sexual electricity.
Earlier in this chapter I talked about the symptoms of nervousness around
women. These symptoms include; dry mouth, tenseness, fidgetiness, shaking,
and cracking of the voice. These symptoms don’t come from the nervousness
itself. These symptoms come from the surprise the nervousness causes your
body.
When you jump into a new state, and fear arises unexpectedly, your body
responds with these symptoms. It is a gut level reaction. And in order to
overcome this anxiety, you must learn how to change the symptoms of the
nervousness. And not the nervousness itself.
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How to turn fear into sexual electricity
Every time my fraternity stepped in front of the crowd of thousands to
perform our homecoming skit we were all full of fear and nervousness.
But we were ready for it…
And because we were ready for it we were able to transmute that fear into
energy.
Here is how we did it.
The day of the parade we would thrive on the adrenaline that was pumping
through our veins. We became social animals. We would march through
campus sucking up the adulation and energy of the many people asking us if
we were ready to perform. The more people that we talked to, the more
pressure that mounted, the further and further we went into our zen like
state.
That nervous energy became energy to exceed all expectations. It became
energy to top last year’s performance. And it became so intense that we were
operating at a completely different plane of existence.
This is what you must learn to do with women.
First, feel and acknowledge the nervousness and fear. Now it is no longer a
surprise making it much less likely that the really damaging symptoms will
occur. Next, embrace the fear and nervousness. This fear should make you
swell up with adrenaline that you are alive and filled with the capability to live
outside your comfort zone- and the excitement of knowing that you are about
to experience something new.
Remember, you no longer feel this fear and nervousness around women
you’re no longer attracted to… and trust me, when it’s gone, you’ll do anything
to get it back.
Now, ignite the energy by elevating yourself to the next level socially. Get
outside your head, and begin sucking in the energy of everyone around you.
As you suck in their energy make it a point to give back just as much energy as
you take. It is at this point that the sexual electricity should begin flowing
through your veins.
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Finally, engage in conversations with women that most excite you. And begin
to share that sexual electricity with them. You’ll find that not all women will
be receptive you this electricity, but in your heightened state you just need to
find the few that are.
And sparks will fly.
Embracing Sexual Tension
Before we move on, I want to address the “myth of sexual tension”
I used to believe, “it either exists with a woman or it doesn’t.” Like it was
some mystical process. Then a few years back I realized I was completely
wrong about this way of thinking.
The fact is, in nature everything happens for a reason.
It rains when there is too much moisture. Certain things have to happen to
get the right amount of moisture. Same with electricity. I was reading a
biography of Benjamin Franklin last night. And was reading about his
process of discovering how to harness electricity. And it got me thinking
about sexual tension.
See, I like to think of sexual tension as this underlying electricity that exists
whenever a man and a woman are together. (My friend Chris taught me this,
and ever since he explained it to me I’ve noticed it with EVERY girl i’ve been
in close proximity too.)
It ALWAYS exists.
If you’re sitting on the couch with a fat girl and some one else comes and sits
on the couch forcing the fat girl to slide closer to you- you’ll feel a small spark
of that electricity.
Even if you’re not physically attracted to her, just the mere proximity of a
female lets out some of that electricity. Anytime a man and woman are put
close together that electricity can be felt by BOTH of you.
But what do most people do when they feel a spark of electricity.
They are scared of the “shock”. They pull their hand away.
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Sometimes its YOUR FAULT- as you’re the one scared. Sometimes its the
girl’s fault as she gets scared of the tension.
This is why you MUST have a form of lubrication there.
Sometimes enough alcohol does the trick. And two people who normally
wouldn’t be attracted to each other wind up in bed. But alcohol is not a good
strategy.
A better strategy is to use forms of “social lubrication.”
- teasing
- humor
- storytelling
In fact, every technique you’ll learn throughout this book is only really
designed to be a form of “social lubrication.”
See, what’s great about all of these techniques is that they allow you and the
woman to feel that electricity without being freaked out by it.
It sort of creeps up on you.
Have you ever been in the situation where you’re listening to some girl tell a
story, and things are slowing down, and its becoming abundantly clear that
there is chemistry being felt by the both of you? And you sort of “bask in it.”
Or, maybe you’ve been with a girl, and you’re both laughing, giggling, hitting
each other, and slowly moving closer and closer together? Next thing you
know you’re leaning in to kiss her.
This is “sexual tension” and “social lubrication” at work. Its how “hookups”
happen. Its also how you finally get out of the friend zone. A little alcohol also
helps in the friend zone situation too.
And once again; It all starts with FUN.
You’re probably tired of meeting repeating how crucial FUN is to having
charismatic conversations with women, but I will keep mentioning it until its
indoctrinated into every ounce of your being.
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FUN allows that electricity to sneak up on you. It allows the TENSION to
slowly build up to a boiling point.
See, people are scared of awkward silences. But there is another type of
silence where the magic happens. Its when you’ve been having fun with a girl,
and then the silence happens. And its NOT awkwardness you feel.
Its the electricity.
And you both know “ITS ON”
If you’re not attracting girls, getting numbers, kisses; it means that you’re
probably not creating enough lubrication.
Different guys have different styles they feel comfortable with. My
recommendation is to eventually master them all, because when that happens
you become unstoppable with women.
But you MUST master at least one of them if you want to get good at this.
Personally, I’d start with discovering simple ways to have fun, flirtatious, and
sexually charged conversations. That will immediately put you ahead of 85%
of the competition who doesn’t know how to do this stuff.
Once you master flirting (and its a lot EASIER to master than you think)- you
can move to learn humor formulas that make a girl horny.
Or how to tell a seductive story that reels a woman in…
But you MUST realize and accept that you social lubrication is necessary.
This book will provide the education, but remember, you can lead a horse to
water, but you can’t make him drink. Its up to you to put everything you learn
throughout this book into use.
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Chapter 7:
How to Appear Less “Needy” When Talking to a Girl
Do you want to know why girls get so turned on and excited by guys we view
as “players,” “jerks,” or “bad boys”?
I used to get really confused why a girl would so quickly go home with one of
these guys. And I was always obsessed with figuring out “what did he SAY that
was so special?”
I’d watch them talking, and I’d see her reacting to him in a way girls NEVER
reacted to me. It was the little differences; she’d touch him more, stand closer
to him, and talk to him in a less formal, more flirtatious level. Even if she were
just meeting him, it would seem like the two of them have been sleeping
together for years.
But what STUNG the most was that I could see she didn’t have that “bored”
look she had when she was talking to me, and that with him, SHE was putting
effort in. She was working to impress him. She was trying to seem cuter, more
fun, and sexier.
And what really pissed me off was that it wasn’t just the “slutty” girls that
would fall for his shit. It was the “good girls” too. In fact, the good girls
usually fell for it the fastest. It was almost like he flipped a switch in her brain
that just made her want to bang him. (Even though she logically knew she
shouldn’t)
So what was flipping this switch in girls?
You may have heard that girls will “test” a guy during a conversation to see if
she can throw him off his game.
A way I like to look at it is that while you’re talking to a girl you have to realize
that she’s fishing. She’s dropped her line in the water and she wants to see
how fast you “take the bait.”
But what most guys completely miss is that no girl wants an “easy catch.”
C’mon, we’ve all heard that “girls want a challenge” or “all girls want what
they can’t have”… Yet for some reason, whenever we’re talking to a girl we try
to make ourselves as little of a challenge as possible.
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We make it SO EASY for her.
- We act super interested and impressed with everything she says
- We plaster a fake smile on our face to make her feel funny
- We compliment her the first chance we get
- We ask personal questions to show that we want to “get to know her”
- We let her subtlety control what we talk about
Most of the time, within 5 minutes of talking to us she knows that we’re
“hooked” and she could pull her line out of the water and we’d be flopping
around the boat like a suffocating fish.
So what does she do? She shows us mercy and throws us back in the water.
Here’s the thing, when you ask too many questions, appear too interested, or
you’re won over too easily you come across as NEEDY. And that “neediness”
sets off a little alarm inside her head that says, “What is wrong with him?”
“Why does he need me to like him so much?”
Neediness is NOT attractive. Yet, most of us have been programmed to talk to
girls in a way that displays massive amounts of neediness and approval
seeking behavior.
This is why when a girl meets one of these “players” who are NOT displaying
any of this neediness she almost immediately begins to freak out and try to
win HIM OVER
She’s so used to the instant attention and approval she gets from other guys
that when she meets a guy who doesn’t seem to be trying too hard…
… It makes HER try harder.
And once a girl starts putting some effort into a conversation it naturally
becomes more fun and flirtatious.
So how do you do it?
How do come across less needy and try hard in a conversation?
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It’s going to sound very simple, but here’s one simple technique that you can
start with:
Change the subject.
One thing a girl secretly notices is who is controlling the conversation.
Who is “leading?”
Most guys let the girl lead. Even when you’re doing the talking, chances are
you’re letting her dictate what direction the conversation heads in. Once she
realizes she’s “leading” she goes into conversation “cruise control” and doesn’t
put any effort in.
The first thing you need to do is “subtly” establish that you’re the one leading.
A simple, but powerfully effective thing I like to do is right when she is in the
middle of telling me something I’ll completely change the subject.
It sort of surprises her. Sometimes it even pisses her off a little. But as
“players” have taught us, its OK to piss a girl off. Because its gets her PAYING
ATTENTION to you.
She starts thinking “wow, he’s not nodding his head and smiling at everything
I’m saying… what’s going on here.”
Ok, let me give you another technique that demonstrates you’re not a needy,
approval seeking guy.
I call it displaying “IMPUDENCE.”
Impudence means being bold or being slightly cheeky or irreverent. Now, you
do want to be impudent, but only slightly. This is easy to overdo, so you have
to be careful. But if you do it right, she will be having fun, she will see you as
different from other guys, and she will flirt with you.
Impudence breaks her out of the state of mind she gets in when she talks to
guys because it surprises her.
Here’s an example: I was chatting with a girl one time at a bar, and she was
wearing glasses (she was still totally hot, though). I asked her if she took her
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glasses off or kept them on during sex. “Of course, you need to see what you
are doing, but they might get knocked off or broken if you get to…
enthusiastic. So what do you do? I’m dying to know.”
See what I mean, irreverent and a bit surprising, but also kind of humorous
and nonthreatening.
Another way to be cheeky is to make an obvious lie or overstatement when
she asks you a question. Then, after you make it, you can pause and go back
and offer her a real answer.
The Key is Being Yourself
When I first started going out on dates with girls I tried so damn hard to be
agreeable. If a girl mentioned that she liked a certain band, or a movie, or
book, I would search my mind for something positive to say about it. And if I
mentioned I liked a certain restaurant or something, and it turned out she
didn’t like it, I would immediately start back peddling and naming all the
things that were actually wrong with it.
I’m even ashamed to say that I have bad-mouthed certain friends of mine just
to get on a girl’s good side. I’d hardly ever tell her how I really felt. That might
make her think we were ‘incompatible.’ And I couldn’t have that. My goal was
to get her think “we are so alike… this guy is perfect.”
And the sad part was; It almost never worked.
As much as we shared similar interests, didn’t argue, had tons to talk about, I
just couldn’t generate one ounce of attraction.
That’s because as I later learned:
“Agreeability” is NOT an attraction switch. In fact, a girl doesn’t even have to
like you to be attracted to you. It is actually kind of odd and counter intuitive.
But the more you disagree with a woman and assert your own opinion, the
more attracted to you she becomes.
For awhile I couldn’t really figure out why this was. Then it hit me.
It plays into a big attraction switch; Push/Pull.
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Every time you disagree with a woman you are in a sense ‘pushing her away.’
Now obviously, if all you did was continually disagree with a woman you
would eventually push her so far away she wouldn’t come back…
If we look at disagreeing as ‘pushing her away’ then we have to look at
agreeing with a woman as ‘pulling her towards you.’ My old strategy of blindly
agreeing with a woman was like continuing to pull a girl towards me until
finally she felt suffocated and ran for the hills.
Disagreement sparks uncertainty. Disagreement sparks intrigue. And
disagreement sparks drama. A woman is used to a man who would sell his
soul to be liked by her. So when you come along and aren’t afraid to express
your opinion, disagree with her, or call her on her bullshit, you’re not only
differentiating yourself from all the other guys, but you are essentially saying
“I’m not afraid to lose you.”
And human beings want things a whole lot more when we’re not sure we can
have them.
The more you assertive this sort of behavior the less need you appear to a
woman and the more your opportunity with her increases.
Ok, now demonstrating that you’re not a needy guy can actually be easier than
NOT BEING NEEDY.
See, often times our ‘emotions’ take over and we wind up acting needy even
though we know its wrong.
Lately I’ve become intrigued by the idea of “emotional intelligence.” It is
beginning to appear to me that emotional intelligence ranks right up there
with “social intelligence” for succeeding in all aspects of life; particularly in
your quest to date beautiful women.
In this section I want to talk about some of the most common “emotional”
mistakes men make while picking up women.
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Tips for Avoiding Neediness
These are some of the more common mistakes. The first step is to recognize
when you are making the mistake- and simply ask yourself “am I displaying
emotional intelligence.”
1. Don’t “like” a girl too soon
We’ve all done it. We will notice a really cute girl across the bar, and based
solely on her looks and gestures, make the decision that “she is the one.”
Without ever even speaking a word to her, we’ve already grown an emotional
attachment to her. Because of this, approaching her becomes 100x more
difficult. We now feel it necessary to come up with the perfect opener or have
something brilliantly clever to talk about…
This is a huge mistake. Never start “liking” a woman until you’ve engaged in a
conversation with her and feel some sense of connection. Falling for a woman
based solely on her looks is extremely “beta” and puts you immediately in the
role of “pursuer.” She can smell this instantly, and your chances of success
from that point on- are slim to none.
2. Don’t stick to ‘dead-end’ openers.
I remember after watching the episode of Keys to the Vip starring Cajun, I
became obsessed with using the “Do I look like a drug dealer” opener. The
thing was, I never had any success with the opener. It would usually fall flat
and very rarely lead to an engaging conversation. But I kept using it because I
thought it sounded “cool.”
When it comes to success, what you’ll often find is what you personally like, is
very seldom what works. Just because you think an opener or joke is
extremely clever, doesn’t mean the woman will. It is best to test out different
lines, and stick with the one that gets the best results.
3. Don’t go out with that feeling of “hunger”
We all go through droughts. Droughts are those seemingly endless periods
where things just aren’t happening. During these streaks nothing seems to go
right. And very often our “hunger” to break out of the drought is often the
reason we continue to fail.
I have a saying: “Those who look hungry, never get fed.”
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The best thing to do during a cold streak is simply take a week or two off from
going out. Sure it will seem like the counterproductive thing to do, but trust
me; you will feel mentally and emotionally rejuvenated by getting away from
“the game” for awhile.
Women can smell “the hunger.” And all but the most desperate of women will
avoid a man who is noticeable hungry.
4. Don’t become addicted to the approval you’re getting
I see this happen all of the time with guys. They approach a group of women
and they instantly create rapport with the women. They are usually talking
about “safe” topics and generally engaging in a “PG” conversation that the
women see as “harmless.”
The women will seem to genuinely like the company of the men. The men
become addicted to this approval and don’t want to risk offending the women
by escalating or introducing anything sexual into the conversation.
For some reason as men, we tend to think that women will be offended if we
display our “true” intentions, when in fact, they respect you a lot more.
Women know exactly what you want, and you’re not going to get anywhere if
you talk about “puppy dogs and ice cream” all night.
5. Reverting to your “comfort zone” conversation
We all have our comfort zones in life. These are “emotionally safe” areas for
us. But the problem with comfort zones is that you can’t grow if you’re stuck
in your comfort zone.
This tends to happen to men a lot when they are out hitting on women. They
may start the conversation with a good opener, maybe bust out some cocky/
funny lines, but soon enough they revert back to “interview mode.” They do
this because “interview mode” is comfortable for them. It is like comfort food.
It is safe and makes us feel good because we’ve been there before. The
problem is, just like comfort food, comfortable conversation topics seldom
spark attraction.
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6. Don’t be “emotionally attached” to the outcome
We tend to end the good interactions too soon, and stick around too long in a
dead end interaction. This happens because we become emotionally attached
to the outcome.
When an interaction is going good we start feeling “positive” emotions and we
don’t want to lose them. So we will often eject too early from a good
conversation just to keep that “positive” feeling. And often when a
conversation is going bad we begin to feel “negative” emotions. And we make
the mistake of wanting to rid ourselves of the negative emotions so badly that
we stick in the conversation hoping we can change the tide.
The trick is to completely take your emotions out of a talking to women.
Don’t let yourself feel too good or too bad based on how an interaction is
going. Just simply interact. If you’re having fun, stick around. If you’re
growing bored, leave.
It’s as simple as that.
7. Stop thinking “this girl” is different
Here is one of the biggest mistakes men make when learning game. They
learn all the right techniques, strategies, mindsets, and behaviors, but then
they don’t use them.
The main reason we don’t use them with girls is because we start thinking
“this girl is different.” Our emotions convince us that “game won’t work on
her.” And we start thinking “I just need to be myself.”
Here is the thing, very few girls are different. 99% of women respond to the
same attraction triggers. It doesn’t matter if they are white, black, Asian,
Spanish, nineteen or fifty; “Attraction isn’t a choice” and all women will
respond the same way.
Next time you find yourself thinking “I can’t use one of Bobby’s technique on
her” simply ask yourself “is she a woman?”
If the answer is yes, proceed as planned.
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Chapter 8:
The Importance of Vibing
Ok, so we’re going to be moving into the meat and potatoes of having an
attractive charismatic conversation.
And for the next couple chapters, one of my good friends and fellow dating
coach, Rob Judge will be explaining the concept of vibing.
For those that don’t know Rob, he’s widely considered one of the best coaches
on the planet, and was voted the #2 pickup artist in the world.
I’ve hung out with Rob countless nights, and I can definitely say I’ve never
seen a guy able to generate attraction in a woman as quickly as he does.
So, I’m going to let Rob take over for a bit.
Enter Rob Judge.
The ability to vibe with someone really is the ability to read the unspoken cues
given off by people. This is known as social intelligence. Socially adapt people
can tell if someone is mad, happy, psychotic, etc. simply by reading their nonverbal sub-communications (in other words, reading a vibe).
Awareness of the cues women give off tells a guy what he needs to do to move
an interaction forward. Socializing and flirting trains your awareness of these
cues and hones your ability to interpret and respond appropriately. After a
while, you become socially savvy.
A social savvy guy “flies above his emotions.” Most guys base how they
communicate on their feelings or an emotional response. For example,
sometimes guys argue just for the sake of being right. Men get obsessed with
“winning” an argument, so they succumb to their emotions and keep arguing
as they try to force an outcome. While arguing is an obvious example,
succumbing to an emotional response can be very, very subtle. Sometimes
things sneak under the radar, so you should always ask yourself:
Is what I’m doing bringing me closer to this girl? Will this bring about the
best possible outcome?
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When you ask yourself these types of questions, you connect with people
through tactical communication. You’ll succeed far more with women if you
stop trying to be right and start aiming for what brings the best possible
outcome.
If a girl is yelling at you, the vibe is not working to bring you and her together.
It’s crucial to read the cues and exercise assertiveness to set a vibe that brings
you and the girl together.
Always act in a manner that is in alignment with the best possible outcome.
For example:
Guy says: What’s up, I’m Bill.
Girl says: Eew get away from me!
Guy says: Baby, why are we always fighting?
Girl laughs: Hahaha
Guy says: So anyways, what’s your name?
Girl coos: I’m Sarah.
Example explained: Rather than react to a negative response, the socially
savvy guy instantly channels the girl’s negativity into a playful joke that
establishes rapport between two strangers. The vibe instantly changes and is
now conducive to success.
You can hijack the vibe and bring it around to one that is more fun and
positive. Everyone appreciates someone that can take negative emotions and
make them positive. By reading cues and flying above your emotions, you can
learn to become a tactical communicator.
How to Assert a Vibe
Imposing your vibe is the culmination of everything it means to be man. To
impose a vibe, you must incorporate elements of your masculinity, leadership,
creativity, and empathy of others.
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Eventually, imposing your vibe becomes an unconscious expression of your
confidence.
However, when learning how to vibe, there are techniques you can do
consciously to impose your vibe. Even the most socially savvy guys are a mix
of BEING and DOING, therefore no matter how unconscious some techniques
become, you will always have to “DO” something.
Furthermore, if you’re already getting great results with women, there may be
some things you can DO to get even better results. Here are a few techniques
to implement:
1. Statements and questions
Certain statements and questions impose a vibe by forcing people to explain
themselves to you. By putting a person on the back foot, you can direct (or
redirect) the vibe to where you want it to go.
Having a few good statements and questions ready on tap ensures you remain
the vibe’s puppet master. Unless you’re talking to the rock band Metallica, in
which case they are the original master of puppets. You know, the ones
pulling your strings, twisting your mind, smashing your dreams…
2. Masculine assertiveness
Masculine energy builds, conquers, and destroys whereas feminine energy
nurtures, generates, and creates. The two energies complement one another.
You are capable of expressing both assertive (masculine) and creative
(feminine) traits. However, when imposing a vibe, you must consciously
channel your masculine energy. Assertive masculine energy elicits a
submissive response in others.
Masculine assertiveness imposes a vibe in two primary ways:
3. Your vocal tonality
To impose your reality, address others in a tone of authority. Make statements
and ask questions in an expressive but dominant way. Get them explaining
themselves to you, the puppet master.
At the very least, there should be absolutely no squeakiness in your voice,
sounding as if you end each sentence with a tentative voice. You’re not
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seeking approval, assume you’re talking to people like friends you have
known forever.
Projecting your voice is key! Feel the resonance of it from your chest. Speak
from your belly and diaphragm, projecting your voice upward as you speak.
When talking to face-to-face with a woman, talk as if she’s actually 10 feet
away
4. The way you touch
If you want to stop the girl of your dreams as she walks past, you should grab
her and pull her in LIKE YOU MEAN IT. This is the same if you are tapping a
girl on the shoulder to get her attention. The tap should not be soft and
feminine, but assertive and masculine.
Don’t be a he-bitch! MAN UP
Masculine assertiveness is most obvious when a girl is not even looking at you
(e.g. you are waiting behind her to get a drink at the bar). The tonality of your
voice and the way you touch tells her whether you are indeed a attractive man
or just another he-bitch. If your tonality or touch is off-point, you’ll find
women don’t turn around when you talk to them, or even acknowledge you
tapping them on the shoulder in the club.
Reading cues and creating a vibe are fundamental social skills that make all
the difference when interacting with women. Even if you’re already very good
with women, you might want to keep some of these tips in mind the next time
you see that incredible girl walk by.
The Art of Vibing with Girls
Most guys think they don’t know how to talk to girls. Most of us imagine a
beautiful girl requires conversational banter that rivals Oscar Wilde just to get
our foot in the door. Perhaps we got that idea from those witty Hollywood
movies or the value we assign to a woman’s beauty. It seems as if what we
have to say isn’t good enough, funny enough, or intelligent enough.
While what you have to say probably is good enough, funny enough, and
intelligent enough, this isn’t going to be an entire chapter that simply berates
guys for worrying about what to say and then commands them to improve
their “inner game” and confidence.
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Because let’s face it: knowing what to say to a girl does improve inner game
and confidence. So while I do advocate that guys place confidence in saying
what they want, here are four pointers to help “grease the wheels” when
talking to babes.
1. You + Me = Us
Whenever trying to meet and attract girls, you want to create a connection in
as little time as possible. The sooner you can transition yourself from
“stranger” to “hot guy” the better.
Therefore, creating a “you and me” vibe rather than a “you versus me” vibe
should be on the tip of your tongue when you start talking to girls. You can
play it humorous (“Hey, you look like my future ex-wife”), rapport generating
(“Wow, I think me and you are the only two people in this bar who truly
appreciate Phil Collins”), or serious (“Hi, I’m Rob. I just had to come over to
meet you”).
Unless a girl is acting like a complete brat, there’s no need to drive a wedge
between you. In fact, creating a “you and me” vibe preempts future bullshit
because it gives you a reason to get along if she starts acting up (“Honey, why
would you treat the only other soul who enjoys Phil Collins like this? Come
on, this isn’t us”). Whether you create role-plays for one another, bond over
common interests, or just connect through the environment or situation, the
theme of “you and her” should permeate throughout the interaction and,
ideally, your relationship.
2. Tension
Tension moves an interaction forward. Injecting tension into a conversation
makes it fun, interesting, perhaps a bit awkward, but ultimately incredibly
attractive to a woman.
To understand tension is to understand confidence. That’s because tension
comes from two polarities pulling in different directions. If you’re a wimpy,
unconfident guy then a woman’s polarity will pull you, deflating all the
tension necessary for “chemistry” (what’s otherwise known as “nice guy”
syndrome).
Once you understand how/why tension works, start “holding the line” and
creating moments of tension in your conversations with women. By knowing
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your boundaries and interests, you can confidently disagree with a girl if she
says something you don’t like. Most guys think by being a girl’s personal
bobble-head doll and agreeing with everything she says will magically get her
to like him. But in actuality, the girl wants to see you’re a man with your own
interests and tastes.
So if she starts rapping about Britney Spears or some shit you don’t care
about, saying, “Yeah, I’m not into that at all” will create tension. This doesn’t
contradict the “you and her” vibe because it’s still you and her, but it’s the real
you and her (not “fake-you-pretending-to-be-a-girl and her”).
Also, a lot of the time, tension in male/female interactions is sexual, so saying
things like, “Damn, I just met you, but I haven’t stopped thinking about
kissing you since I saw you” or “I’m glad we’re in public or else we’d be doing
things that could get us arrested in Mexico” communicates you’re comfortable
with your masculinity and lets her feel feminine (and excited!).
3. Be Hilarious
Mixing sexual escalation with humor and fun is the best way to keep things
moving forward with charismatic ease. Rather than list the obvious benefits of
humor, let’s cut right to the pointers on funniness.
One very easy but effective way to be funny is by exaggerating everything.
Taking simple, everyday things and making them dramatic and over-the-top
is an easy way to get girls laughing.
So, as an example, if you were asking a girl to meet you at Starbucks, it’d be
funny to say something like, “Oh my God, I’m bringing you to this coffee place
that’s pure magic. It’s the best-kept secret in all of Manhattan…but I’ll expose
you to the culture and décor known as STARBUCKS. This place is incredible,
you can’t even order in English…they have their own Starbucks language with
sizes like tall, grande, and vente. Lucky for you, I can translate.”
Another way to quickly improve your humor is by collecting funny phrases or
labels. Teasing girls with names like “Chatty Cathy” (if she’s talking too much)
or asking if she’s a “wino” (if she’s drinking wine) always get a laugh.
Reading good fiction or watching funny movies are great places to mine for
comedy gold. Words like “he-bitch,” “wankster,” “diva,” and “twat swatter”
are all words and sayings I’ve heard in pop culture and have incorporated into
my lexicon of hilarity. Open your eyes and start collecting the funny!
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4. Use What’s In Front Of You
The only guys who “run out of things to say” are the guys who are walking
around with blinders on. If you open your eyes, you’ll find a world of things to
talk about with women. Everything from how she’s dressed to observations
about the people around you should inspire great conversation.
For example, I routinely grab a girl’s hand, examine her rings and exclaim
nonsense like, “Ohhhh!! Bling bling!!” or grab a girl’s necklace and say, “Cute.
I like. I’m gonna steal it.” I could probably have a conversation with a girl for
an entire night based solely on making stupid comments about her
accessories. And if that ever goes south, looking around the room and making
up stories about the people you see never gets old, either.
I usually like to keep things sexual, so I’ll usually point out some couple and
say things like, “I’ll bet they have really bad sex because he has a small dick”
or (more PG-rated), “Do you think that’s her boyfriend or do you think that
chick is having a secret affair?” Regardless, if you’re cognizant of what’s in
front of you, you should never run out of things to “riff” on.
Take these pointers and try them out. But be patient. Learning to cultivate the
gift of gab takes practice and time. Be willing to fuck it up and look like an
idiot. In fact, acknowledging your fuck ups can create good conversation.
When I say something dumb (which is more than I’d like to admit), I usually
just roll my eyes, snicker, and tell the girl, “Wow, that was so retarded. The
shit that comes out of my mouth sometimes…”
Being a good conversationalist comes back to the belief that what you have to
say is good enough for any girl (even if it’s “so retarded”). So with these
pointers in mind, go out, talk to some babes, and turn that belief into a
conviction!
How to Flirt with Girls:
A Guide to Frivolous Verbal Foreplay
Men often downplay or trivialize this PG-13 art form. Even the word sounds
like an anachronism straight out of 1956, where a guy might order one
milkshake with two straws and sheepishly grin at his “sweetheart.”
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Flirting, however, is even older than that. It dates back to the dawn of sex,
where the push/pull dynamic of flirting allowed a woman to size a man up
before she invested nine months and her ovaries into him.
Inability to flirt has damned more than one guy to a life of celibacy. It’s a
serious penalty for something so meaningless. In essence, flirting is just a
frivolous, superficial game.
But, to master that game, you have to accept it, know why you’re playing, and
learn the rules. Since you’re reading this book, you probably accept flirting is
a necessity to get girls.
Though, have you ever wondered why human animals “flirt” before mating?
If a teenage girl were writing this article, the answer would be a giggly
“because it’s fun OMG!” But why is it “fun” for girls, but confusing to (most)
guys?
That’s because flirting is an emotional game where a woman assesses a man’s
strength of character.
The man and woman throw barbs at one another, seeing how each reacts in
turn. Each time the woman prods the man, she’s observing his calmness
under pressure, intellect, wit, ability to think on the fly, emotional
intelligence, among a litany of other things all subsumed under a giggly
“things that are fun OMG!”
For a man, there’s only one underlining rule of flirting: tension.
Now, I mentioned “tension” previously as a tactic for sparking the vibe. But
let’s go even further with it. Indeed, flirting is a game of creating and releasing
tension. Once the tension fizzles, so does the girl’s interest.
For a guy with a lot of perceived value, either by birth (i.e. extreme good
looks) or by circumstance (i.e. money, position of authority) he creates
tension just by putting himself in front of people. His presence makes people
nervous, which is tension.
Likewise, a guy without perceived value can evoke an identical response by
learning to flirt effectively. The effect will take longer because flirting builds
tension gradually, not all at once like perceived value. The outcome, however,
is the same.
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5 Ways to Jump Start the Flirting
Here are five ways to pull interactions taut with tension and encourage flirting
between you an attractive girl.
1. Abruptly changing the subject of a conversation
When people talk, they fall in a rhythm of complacency where one person
follows the other, keeping the conversation moving in a familiar direction.
This allows people to relax and unwind – which is the exact opposite of
flirting. While it’s not recommended you become an uber-weirdo and wildly
jump from topic to topic, you should understand the tension, excitement, and
leadership involved in redirecting a conversation.
Example
Her: “Blah blah, so then my friend said we should shopping and…”
You: “Hold up, did you just say you love the band Journey?!”
Her: “No, I was saying about my friend and sh-”
You: “Oh man, I LOVE Journey! I hope you have not stopped
believing!”
Her: “Haha, yeah, that song is great!”
2. Ambiguous statements
Flirting is anti-logical. Trying to read into a flirtatious comment is like trying
to explain why a joke is funny. Once dissected, it loses all its emotion.
Laughing isn’t preplanned or a product of logic – it just happens. The same
holds true with flirting. Therefore, keep your statements ambiguous and
lighthearted. You may even cause her to ponder the hidden meaning.
Example:
Her: “So where do you work?”
You: “That’s what she said!”
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Her: “What does that mean? What does that have to do with your job?”
You: “Yeah, I work as an accountant, exactly.”
Her: “I don’t get it…”
3. Accusation
An old school move, but still as sexy as ever. Whenever given the opportunity,
turn one of her statements around and accuse her of something (preferably
sexual). The tension of accusation injects a lot of flavor into the interaction
you can both play off of and savor.
Example
Her: “Where did you get that shirt?”
You: “My thoughts exactly, let’s go back to my place.”
Her: “OMG! What?! I didn’t say I wanted to go home with you!”
You: “Woah, where is this coming from?! We just met… I don’t know if
we can go home together yet! Chill…”
Her: “You’re crazy…”
4. “That wasn’t a joke”
Probably the funniest line of all time is informing someone with a deadpan
face that something perceived as a joke actually “wasn’t a joke.” However, the
true humor (and irony) lies in that fact that is was totally a joke. Or was it…
Example
Her: “Are you close with your mom?”
You: “Yeah. Well, I was…before she went to prison.”
Her: “Hahahaha”
You: “That wasn’t a joke.”
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Her: “Oh…”
You: (After keeping a serious face for 5 seconds) “Ha! Dork…”
5. Radical honesty
People act polite to avoid tension. And ineffective flirting is just another
extension of that. Idiots flirt as if it’s a game of proverbial grab ass where a
guy “pretends” he’s either “not interested” in the girl or too cool for her.
However, this “strategy” is so cliché and effeminate, it sucks. Real men aren’t
just honest; they’re radically honest. That, in itself, creates a buttload of very
sexy tension…
Example
Her: “Is a your pickup line?”
You: “Of course it is.”
Her: “Oh! So what do you think? You’re just going to use some lines on
me and I’m going to go home and have sex with you?”
You: “Well, I actually thought I’d also have to have some serious
conversation with you before the sex. But, hey, if you’re ready to home
now, I’m in. I mean, it’d be rude not, now wouldn’t it?”
Her: “Umm…well…okay!”
I actually made a vow to myself to try using “radical honesty” more after
watching a few episodes of Californication recently. If you’ve never watched
the show go rent it now. The main character, Hank Moody, epitomizes the
idea of using “honesty” as a flirting tool.
The whole idea of this tool is to basically not filter your thoughts. And not
hide your intentions. For instance, if a girl asks you what you do for a living
and your first reaction is to make something up or change the subject, you
could turn it into a flirting opportunity by saying:
“Yea, I’m trying to think of up something big and fancy to impress you…
maybe increase my odds a little bit. What kind of job would I have to have to
really get your libido rocking?”
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The key to this flirting tool is that you’ve got to keep it up throughout the
interaction. The great part is once you’ve established yourself as ‘bluntly
honest’ you can really get away with saying ANYTHING.
6. Disqualifiers
Last week I was in the middle of a conversation with a girl I had a good vibe
with. Because I have a girlfriend at the moment, I wanted to try to diffuse the
situation before I wound up doing something I would regret.
So I decided to start disqualifying myself to her.
Little did I know it had the exact opposite effect and wound up making her
want me more.
Me: If I wasn’t such an asshole we might really hit it off
Her: Shut up, you’re not an asshole.
Me: No, seriously I’m an asshole. I come across really charming at
first, but eventually, I become the guy you are constantly bitching to
your friends about.
Her: What makes you an asshole?
Me: Oh a whole ton of reasons. First off, I have a huge ego. And I’m
completely self-centered. I have the attention span of a child… (I begin
looking away like I lost my train of thought) Oh… and I ALWAYS leave
the toilet seat up… no matter how many times you’ll tell me to keep it
down.. I refuse.
Needless to say, everything I was saying was making the girl laugh, and
created a very flirtatious vibe. And left an easy transition into a role play
situation.
You can use disqualifiers with just about anything. The more absurd the
better.
8. Be Shameless
I am a proponent of the shameless approach.
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The shameless approach places absolutely no value on the words spoken, the
interest conveyed, or even the approach taken; you put all your stock in the
simple fact that you are shameless.
By shameless I mean that you are 1.) congruent with the fact that you are a
man, 2.) have a mature attitude toward women and sex, 3.) are awesome, and,
in turn, radiate the confidence those three principles imply.
So many guys try to hide or apologize for their desires as men, which,
ironically, is the sexiest asset these men possess.
Whether it’s because they feel they aren’t good looking enough, cool enough,
or simply don’t have enough “experience,” they buy into the myth that they
have no right to shamelessly express themselves to a woman and so hide
behind an emasculated façade of sexual indifference.
“Wait!” I can hear you saying, “Isn’t this just another way of stating the
“direct” method?”
No. This has nothing to do with methods or approaches. In fact, many guys I
meet who approach girls “direct” are NOT doing so shamelessly – they’re
doing it re actively. These “direct” alpha bad asses buy into the method, but
not the mindset.
The shameless mindset goes something like this: that girl is sexy and she
needs to hear it. PERIOD.
If you’ve ever approached direct and wondered, “Why does it get awkward
after I tell a girl she’s hot?” or “What do I say after I approach direct?” than
you are not shameless.
Shameless men know exactly what to do after they approach direct, which is
keep acting shameless.
But shameless men don’t feel compelled to only approach direct because
shameless men don’t feel compelled by words to express their shamelessness.
True champions of the shameless approach can walk up to a chick talking
about orphans in Kenya and still convey their shameless sexuality.
Talking in terms of indirect or direct is like asking what screwdriver do you
like better: Philips head or flathead; the fact of the matter is you’re screwing
regardless.
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Sometimes shamelessness is better demonstrated than explained. As an
example, I will transcribe a notable conversation I overheard between Golden
Boy and a very attractive female with incredibly large breasts.
Hotty: Blah blah blah…why do you keep looking at my boobs?
Golden: Look at them? Honey, I’m staring at them!
Hotty: That’s – that’s rude!
Golden: Rude?! It’d be rude not to look. Those things look great!
Hotty: Well…um…
Golden: Look sweetie, I’m just being honest here. I think you have
great boobs. Fantastic, as matter of fact.
Hotty: Well…thanks. Wow, it’s refreshing to finally meet a guy who’s
honest.
Golden: Honest? I’m SHAMELESS!
These are just a few of my favorite flirting tools that Bobby asked me to share
for you in his book.
Before I turn the mic back over to Bobby I want to share 7 of my favorite
“lines” to use on women.
In other words, I’m going to share some specifics. Sure, these “lines” won’t
transform you into some super stud or make you an instant heartthrob;
however, sprinkling in a well-articulated witticism every once in a while can
create some positive momentum during an interaction or a date.
Maybe that one little push will ignite an entire relationship. Who knows? I’m
not here to tell you how or why you should use these lines; I’m just here to tell
you the damn lines.
That said, please note that the potency of these lines rests on their nonobviousness and non-flashiness.
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Unless you’re a complete idiot with women, if a girl even thinks you’re using a
line, you lose. (Hence why dumbass pickup lines like, “You from Tennessee?
Cause you’re the only ten I see…hur-dur-dur” are cringe-worthy.
So, without further adieu, here are the 7 lucky lines…
1. If a girl is ignoring you:
“[Hold out hand] In America, we have this magical little thing called a
handshake. Here, it goes something like this…”
Sometimes when you approach a girl…she gives you nothing but small talk.
She answers you with one-word answers—or worse—nothing at all. Often
guys panic in these situations and do all sorts of frantic things (like walk away
with their tail between their legs). Sometimes the best way to handle a girl’s
bullshit is by giving it right back at her, with a touch of comedy.
2. As an adjective:
“…it transcends transcendence…”
Whenever you’re conversing with a hot woman, it’s always good to “over-sell”
whatever activity you’re describing. For example, if you wanted to offer a
woman a drink, don’t say, “Let’s get drinks. There’s a really good beer you
should try.”
Instead, make it fun and exciting by saying, “Let’s get drinks. I’m gonna order
you a beer that transcends transcendence!”
3. To begin an interaction:
“I’ve been looking for you all night.”
A common conversation I often have with my rolodex of friends who are
awesome with women is that the riskiest way to begin an interaction with a
woman is by not being risky at all. As the old maxim states, “Fortune favors
the bold.” As such, you’re much better off with a “bold” opening line, rather
than asking a question or doing something else equally as emasculating.
Walking up to a girl and saying, “I’ve been looking for you all night” is
boldness at its finest. (Also, it puts her on the defensive, as she’ll ask, “Why?”)
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4. As a compliment:
“I’d be acting like a perfect gentlemen right now if you weren’t so cute.”
Any sort of compliment that adds an element of “push/pull” is much better
than a generic compliment like, “You’re cute.” Rather than simply kissing her
ass, you’re also being a challenge. Whenever a woman calls me out for acting
too awesome (i.e., acting too bold), I agree with her, then blame it on her: “I’d
be acting like a perfect gentlemen right now if you weren’t so cute.”
5. As a challenge:
“Show me your dance moves.”
A major problem most guys have with women is they act spineless. If you
simply agree with everything she says and act super nice, she’s only going to
regard you as her new girlfriend. Man up, man! While I never advocate
intentionally putting a woman down or insulting her, you should be
challenging her to make sure that she’s equally invested in the interaction.
And one of the simplest ways to do that is by daring her, “Show me your
dance moves.”
6. When disagreeing with her:
“Let’s not talk about that. Anyway…”
Again, not exactly mind-blowing in complexity, simply telling a woman you
don’t want to talk about something is incredibly attractive. Guys usually jump
all over any topic a woman brings up like a starving dog begging for table
scraps. Don’t be such a bitch! If a woman brings up a stupid conversation
topic (or even something you just don’t feel like discussing), dismiss it with a
simple, “Let’s not talk about that. Anyway…”
7. When complementing her:
“Genuine complement: you’re awesome. I like being around you.”
I don’t want this list to over-emphasize the abrasive lines. While it’s
important to have self-respect and not compromise your manhood with
conversations you don’t like having, it’s also important to genuinely
appreciate a girl for who she is. There’s no need to wax poetic and compose
her a Petrarchan sonnet, but you should feel comfortable telling her
pointblank that you like her.
Ok, so that is more than enough material to get you starting sparking a
flirtatious vibe with a woman, so I’m going to turn the next chapter back over
to Bobby Rio where he’ll explain more about going “deep” with a woman.
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Chapter 9:
Charismatic Connections
Rapport is one of the most important features or characteristics of
unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective, being in
“sync,” being on the same “wavelength” as the person with whom you are
talking.
You might also refer to it as having a “connection.”
This is something that will get a girl comfortable with you. It will make her
feel as if she’s known you for long time, and make her less likely to flake the
next time that you talk to her.
This is the reason that it is so important that you connect during your
conversation with a woman. If you simply spend the time the time in
“interview mode” in which you are going back and forth asking each other
questions, in which neither of you are really interested in the answer, neither
one of you will have anything invested in the interaction.
This is also true if all you do is use the lines and tools that Rob gave you in the
previous chapter.
If you go out and act like a “routine monkey” around a woman, rapport is
rarely established either. In this case, you might be entertaining her, but
you’re not connecting with her. Many guys make this mistake, and wonder
why the girl doesn’t return their calls.
There are really two main ways to build that necessary connection with a
woman. The first way is to be observant. By being observant you can ask her
specific questions related to the people she is with, the clothing or jewelry she
is wearing, or make cold reads based her general way of being. Women
usually enjoy talking about any of these things. And will welcome the
opportunity go deeper into any of these subjects.
The second way to build rapport is get her talking about something that
evokes passion and feeling. Once you discover a subject that you sense she is
passionate about, dig deeper. You will find that some women love talking
about a country they visited, or literature, or music, or ballet, or running the
marathon. These are the subjects that allow her to feel a connection to you.
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You are expressing interest in a topic that she cares for. As you guide her
further into talking about these things, you will develop deep rapport.
The problem with the questions most guys ask is that they are "fact based
questions." These sort of questions require "logical" answers and don't create
any sort of connection.
An example of of "fact based question" is "where did you grow up?" or "What
do you study in school."
These type of questions hurt a conversation more than they help it.
So what are the RIGHT kind of questions to ask? Questions that require her
search her memory for emotions (not facts).
Here are seven examples of these types of questions:
1. What did you imagine as your dream job when you were a kid?
2. When was the last time you really did something adventurous?
3. What has been your favorite vacation spot so far?
4. Where in the world would you like to travel to that you haven't been yet?
5. What would your ideal day look like?
6. What was your most memorable summer?
7. What was the most spontaneous, thrill of the moment thing you've ever
done?
Can you see how in order to answer these seven questions she will have to dig
into an "emotional state?"
But I want to be clear, you're not going to rapid-fire these questions at her.
A charismatic conversation is ALWAYS about mixing in all three elements:
fun, connection, and sexuality.
This means that while playfully flirting and teasing her, you are also
occasionally mixing in these sort of questions into the conversation.
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You must also remember that every time she responds with an "emotional
answer" to any of these type of questions you must relate the emotion back to
her to show that you understand and are connecting with her.
However, I also want to warn you about…
The Great Rapport Mistake
There is a giant mistake men often make regarding rapport. Many times a
man will find find a subject a woman loves talking about, say travel, and then
spend the entire conversation talking about traveling. They may wind up
standing in a bar and expressing their mutual love of European culture for
hours… but this very rarely leads to sex.
This is because although you are experiencing rapport, the rapport is more
towards a particular topic rather than towards each other. This was probably
the biggest mistake I used to make as I got more comfortable approaching
and opening women.
I still remember spending an hour talking to a girl about a nutritionist, Gary
Null, that we both admired. We stood there in the middle of a party and had
the most engaging conversation about Gary’s philosophy’s. Later I walked up
stairs, and she was giving one of my fraternity brother a hand job in the
bathroom.
Rapport, no matter how deep it is, must also be wide.
Creating Wide Rapport
When you are aiming to establish deep and wide rapport, you basically take
the same principles from establishing deep rapport, but moving from topic to
topic. This makes her focus the connection she is feeling on you, rather than
just on the topic.
To make this easy, go through the following structure:
Open a Topic – Ask a big question to start a conversation. So what do you do
for fun?
Find Out More Details – Based on her answer, you ask a sub-question to get
more details. How long have you skied?
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Tell a Story – Now it`s time to tell a story. This is when your improvisational
skills will come in handy. It may or may not be a true story, but the important
thing is to keep the ball rolling.I went skiing once and it seems like skiing is
easy It`s stopping that`s the hard part. I could go like 100 miles per hour
down the slopes but then at the bottom I`d have to wipe out or hit a tree to
stop. I think they should call it stopping instead since that`s the hard part.
It`s important to tell a story early, because otherwise if you keep asking
questions, you end up in Interview Mode. And Interview Mode never leads to
sex.
How to Use Stories to Move a Conversation
Forward
There was a point a few years back where I was going on a ton of dates off of
sites like Match.com and Facebook.
I did a good enough job of sparking the women's interest over email, and
usually by the time I had lined up the date (late afternoon drinks) the women
were usually warmed up pretty nicely.
It should have been slam dunk after slam dunk. But it wasn’t. For some
reason whenever I got in front of these women in person, the same thing
happened over and over again. Or should I say the same conversation
happened over and over again. I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day
repeating the same boring date countless time, with different women.
At the time I had already begun reading books on creating attraction, and I
thought I understood the material quite well. And before heading out for
these dates I would always make sure to skim through some ebooks and
remind myself of exactly what I was supposed to do to create some chemistry
and connection with these women.
Yet, every time I got face to face with these women, I continually found myself
in boring, soulless, dry, and intolerably awkward conversations.
It was like there was a script that we both kept reading from:
"So what do you do for a living?"
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
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"What did you study in college?"
"What do you like to do on your free time?"
"Do you follow sports?"
I knew I was supposed to be avoiding this sort of conversation, BUT
COULDN'T. I was like a powerful whirlpool that kept sucking the both of us
in. And the more we tried to fight, the more we found ourselves robotically
asking "So… what kind of music do you like?"
I just could not figure out how to break this pattern of "interview mode" that
my dates kept falling into. I even went as far as to jot down notes on index
cards and review them in the bathroom. The notes would say things like:
- “flirt”
- "touch her"
- "be cocky funny"
- "tease"
- “be passionate”
But even after skimming the notes during trips to the urinal, I would still
come back and clueless how to steer the conversation away from this self
inflicted interrogation that was going on.
It was torture. And I was about to throw the towel in and give up. Then one
night, I was up late at flipping channels on television. I came across one of
my favorite movies from when I was back in high school, Reservoir Dogs.
For those of you unfamiliar with the movie it is about a botched burglary
attempt, told with a jumbled sense of storyline continuity.
At the point I turned the movie on we just discover that one of the burglars,
Mr. Orange, is an undercover police officer. He had been assigned to
infiltrate the operation, and gather information on the various members of
the crime ring.
The story then flashes back in time, to a scene where Mr. Orange is getting
ready to go undercover.
Here is a brief transcript of the scene:
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Cop: Use the commode story?
Mr. Orange: What’s the commode story?
Cop: It’s a scene… memorize it.
Mr. Orange: A what?
Cop: An undercover cop gotta be Brando. To do this job you got to be a
great actor, naturalistic. If you’re a bad actor, that’s bullshit in this job.
Mr. Orange: What is this?
Cop: That’s an amusing anecdote about a drug deal. Something funny
that happened to you on a job.
As I watched this scene I began to understand what was missing from my
conversations with women. On these dates, both the women and I were so
busy reciting facts that we never had anything to connect with.
And it was nearly impossible to begin teasing, flirting, or touching a woman
without first having attained some sort of connection.
I needed something to bridge me from “that guy from Match.com” to a living,
breathing guy with whom she could feel comfortable dropping her guard for a
minute and allowing the possibility of a connection.
I continued to watch the movie, my brain working in overdrive.
Cop: The things you gotta remember are the details. The details sell
your story. This particular story takes place in a men’s room. You got to
know all the details. Whether they got paper towels or a blower to dry
your hands. You got to know if the stalls ain’t got know doors or not.
You got to know if they got hot water or not… if it stinks. You got to
know every detail there is to know about this commode.
What you got to do is take all them details and make them your own. While
you’re doing that, remember this story is about you. And how you perceived
the events that went down.
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And then I had a HUGE revelation about storytelling, and just how important
of a skill it is for connecting with other people. Yes, just like Mr. Orange
needed one good story to disarm the criminals long enough to connect with
them, I needed one good story to disarm the woman I was talking to long
enough to connect with her.
I needed something to break the “interview” pattern that kept repeating itself.
My “Commode Story”
I realized that I needed a good “universal” story that I could have in my back
pocket to “break the ice” with a woman I was talking to.
At the time I was taking most of my dates out for drinks. Most of the places
we went to would be playing sports on the televisions near the bar. At some
point, this would usually spark the question “Do you like sports” or “What is
your favorite team?”
In the past, my answer to that would be to simply say “I don’t really follow
sports.” This usually tended to kill the topic immediately… and once again
force us back into interview mode.
So I decided that my first story would be an anecdote about my first
experience at Yankee stadium, and how it went on to ruin my interest in
sports forever.
The Dave Righetti Incident
This was a true story that happened to me when I attended my first baseball
game back in 1986, all though I would embellish all the details, here are a few
of these details I would always touch upon:
- The butterfly’s I felt in my stomach leading up to the game
- The smell of stale beer and hot dogs
- My seats right behind home plate
- Eating three big boxes of cracker jacks just so I could get the free stick-on
tattoo prizes
- Being so excited because the Yankees were winning
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- The guy next to me shouting obnoxious insults at the opposing team
- Dave Righetti being called in for the save
- Dave walking the bases loaded
- The uncomfortable silence
- Me breaking the silence by imitating the obnoxious guy and yelling
- "Dave Righetti is a faggot"
- The silence…echoing my words
- Dave Righetti startled, turns to me as he throws the pitch…
- The distraction causes the ball to slip from his hands
- He walks in the winning run
- The Yankees lose
- Every one turns to me with vengeance
- I make a mad dash to the exit
- I vow to never again return to Yankee Stadium
I have told that story countless times, to countless women. And it never fails
to break the ice. By the time I finish the story the woman usually have a
similar "scary" story from her childhood,and "POOF' we are no longer in
"interview mode."
Once I discovered the power of using a story to break through interview
mode, I began crafting other stories to transition sexually or overcome
objections later on in the interaction.
I remember watching the movie Swingers, and seeing Vince Vaughn's
character, Trent, using his own personal "commode story" to break the
tension right before transitioning to sex.
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"Story creates the illusion of connection…"
As I started to put the pieces of the puzzle together, I began to realize:
What makes a movie interesting, and what draws an audience to feel a sense
of connection with the film being shown… is the story.
And the same thing can be said of a conversation. A conversation without any
stories would be like watching a movie that consisted solely of small talk,
boring and completely disengaging.
A good story allows us to forget where we are, the world around us, and for
just a momen, forces us to suspend our disbelief.
And when you're talking to a woman, the one thing she is feeling is "disbelief."
In fact, her "disbelief" is the biggest hurdle that you need to overcome to
create any sort of chemistry or connection with her.
The reason that small talk seems to be so detrimental to your success with
women is that it brings to light the fact that the two of you have no rapport,
no chemistry, and no connection. And this makes it "unbelievable" to her
that you could please her in any sort of sexual way.
By having a few "commode stories" on hand, you can transport her to a
different world. A world where there is no need to know "what do you do for
a living?"
This is because, what she really wants to know about you is the details; What
you're like, what kind of sense of humor to you have, what kind of quirky
personality traits do you possess.
And as you reveal these details through the story, you are revealing "the real
you" the one she can feel chemistry with. Not the guy reciting facts as if he's
reading his resume to her.
The first thing you need to learn to make this work is how to structure a good
story. A good story consists of certain elements that need to be included.
The quick way to discover how to tell a good story is to become a student of
storytelling. Begin to pay attention closer to the good stories you're being
told. Read more books. Watch how television shows structure the fifteen
minute blocks in between commercials.
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And begin to write down good stories you've been told, and for god sakes,
right down your own stories… all of them. Your stories won't be perfect at
first, but your job is to do what Mr. Orange did. Take the details and make
them your own. Twist them around until you create a complete and engaging
story.
And then tell it often. Tell the story to anyone who will listen. And don't be
afraid of telling it too much. Remember, even if you've told it a million times,
they are still hearing it for the first time.
Once you master one or two really good stories… you'll find that your
conversations will take on a life of their own. With that imaginary "barrier"
down… women will open up to you much quicker. And you will find yourself
connecting with women on a more intimate level.
If you're a guy struggling to keep your conversations interesting, or blast
through that barrier that seems to prevent you from really connecting with a
woman, take a look around and notice how the guys who really seem to have
chemistry with women are all great storytellers.
I have a simple exercise that I would like you to try right now:
Most conversations usually include the question "what do you do for a
living?" And unless you've got an extremely exciting job, that topic usually
does nothing to create attraction or connection.
What if you were to create a "commode story" to answer that question?
Think back through your life and find a story about the WORST job you ever
had. Maybe it was a paper route in the fifth grade, maybe it was mowing
lawns, maybe it was washing dishes. Develop an entertaining story about your
first job. Make sure it has a beginning, middle, and end, and fill it with
conflict and suspense, and details.
Now I want you to practice telling this story. Get really good at describing the
emotions you were feeling while going through the events, use your body for
emphasis, use hand gestures, use your voice tone, and use facial expression to
bring your story to life.
Next time you're talking to a woman and she asks "So what do you do for a
living?"
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Simply say "Right now I (insert your current job)… It's pretty cool I guess.
Well, anything is better than (insert job from story.) Haha I was just thinking
about some of the shitty jobs I've had throughout my life, and nothing tops
this… (go into story)"
Can you see how you transported "interview mode" into a humorous
anecdote? Once you finish with your story you can say "What was your worst
all time job?" or "What kind of job did you imagine you would have when you
were a little girl…" This kind of question will likely get her to open up more by
talking about some of her childhood memories. (and childhood memories are
one of the topics I recommended in an earlier chapter).
Learning to tell a good story is like riding a bike, at first you're going to
struggle a bit to stay focused and stop yourself from falling down, but once
you master it, it is like putting your conversations on cruise control.
Once you realize how easily stories can be injected into your conversations
you will find yourself continually having interactions that are much more
entertaining.
But first, lets talk more about the idea of wide rapport.
Deep and Wide Rapport
Wide rapport is important, but you must make sure that you follow the
principles of creating deep rapport as well. Although you are going to move
through a variety of subjects over the course of the conversation, it is still
necessary that you get her to open up about the topics she is most passionate
about. You want to find a variety of commonalities.
In a previous chapter I gave you a list of the sort of topics you
should be touching on:
Human nature
Relationships
Music
Hobbies
Travel
Childhood
Pets
Nightlife
Other commonalities
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In order to establish the deeper rapport that you’re aiming for, you must be
empathetic towards her interests. This does not mean pretend to be interested
in something that you are not. It means that you show appreciation for what
she is MOST passionate about.
For instance, if a woman tells you that she is training for the marathon, you
need to get inside her mind and feel the sort of things that might ignite her
passions. You don’t want to bust into a story about how you won the 50 yard
dash in the sixth grade because then you would be dismissing something she
is clearly passionate about.
So if a woman tells you that she is training to run the marathon, you would
usually make your answer up on the spot following the guideline of seeking to
empathize as to why she might love running a long race.
“Wow, that’s so cool, you must be very dedicated to get up and practice every
day, I mean some days must be easy, but other days, it must take some
serious love and will power to get outside and start running. I always admire
people who let their passion inspire them…”
“People think runners do it for the exercise and health benefits.. but I bet
there is something more you experience…”
Can you see how this can be powerful? You’re acknowledging that you respect
her passion, and then you’re asking her a question about it that digs for a
deeper understanding of it.
What you are aiming to do just is move through topics, finding a few that you
can experience the deeper connection with. But the deeper connection must
come from your appreciation of her passion for the topic; not for the topic
itself.
This means that we don’t ask her for specific details about the training
process for running a marathon, or how many calories she has to eat before
the race… INSTEAD you ask question that relate to her motivations behind
wanting to run the marathon.
Can you see how when you do this you’ll create a more powerful connection
with the woman you’re talking to?
Ok, let’s move on to how to make sure you always start a date off right.
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Chapter 10:
How to Start a Date with a Woman in a Way That
Almost Guarantees a Good Time
I used to absolutely hate going on dates.
A few years back I was big into online dating and was literally going on three
or four dates a week. And I was miserable. I would find myself bored,
anxious, intimidated and usually severely disappointed. And I rarely hooked
up with the girl.
I want to tell you the story about a realization I had that made me go from
absolutely dreading going on dates to not only start enjoying them, but very
often finding myself in bed with the woman by the time the night was over. I
remember when I used to believe that a date was a “formal”, “sacred”
encounter where you had to portray yourself as the perfect gentlemen. And
your sole responsibility was to ‘not fuck it up’ – and to prove emphatically to
the woman that you WERE NOT interested in sex.
Isn’t that what most of us were taught?
I mean doesn’t it make sense that women want a respectful, nice guy who isn’t
looking for a one night stand? You would think so. But when I really started to
pay close attention, I started to notice:
1. The harder I tried to impress a woman on a date, the less likely I was to get
a second date.
2. My “timidness” that I thought was putting a woman at ease was actually
making her more nervous and LESS likely to open up to me.
3. And the more formal and “gentlemanly” I made the date, the more we grew
bored with each other, and would quickly run out of things to say.
You would think that after going nearly fifty dates over the span of a few
months that I would have caught on that I was doing something wrong. But I
was like an insane person continually banging my head against a brick wall.
Finally, after a date in which ended with me faking diarrhea (seriously) to
avoid paying for another meal with a woman who was clearly not going to
sleep with me anytime soon, I decided that I needed to formulate a new game
plan if I was going to continue going on so many dates.
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Around this time I had begun reading some dating advice websites and read
that “dinner dates are bad.” I was told I should be taking women for coffee or
ice cream instead. My wallet liked this.
But changing the environment of the date had little impact on my success.
We were still two bored, nervous people, only now we were sipping coffee,
instead of digging into pasta dishes. In fact, it was worse. Because now we
didn’t have the food to distract us from our boredom.
I finally decided to cancel my Match.com membership and take a break for
awhile. I had been talking to this cute Portuguese girl for a couple weeks and
figured I would make her my last date before I called it quits. Our email
exchanges were pretty mundane and boring, so I held little hope that this date
would turn into anything.
In fact, by the time the day rolled around I had pretty much forgotten about
it. When I got a phone call from her confirming that we were still on, I was
smack in the middle of celebrating Cinque de Mayo with a group of my
buddies at Happy Hour. I had a nice Margarita “buzz” and decided rather
than cancel on the poor girl I would just meet her for a few drinks then meet
up with buddies again later. I got to the lounge before her and still feeling
good from my Tequila “buzz” I began chatting up the bartender. My mood
“spiked” and feeling good about my interaction with the bartender, I felt
oddly relaxed.
When Marissa (the Portuguese girl) showed up, I was loose, energetic, and
completely unattached to the outcome of the date. Fresh from a really
entertaining conversation with my friends, I was in no mood for “small talk”
so I just jumped right into repeating a funny story my friend had just told me
about a custody battle him and his ex were having over a GOLDFISH.
(Seriously.) As I was telling her the story, instead of putting on my “timid guy”
demeanor I began treating her like we were long time lovers, touching her
when we talked, taking her hand to lead her to table, and holding eye contact
for a split second longer than I normally felt comfortable doing.
And she followed my lead.
Instead of bombarding me with the normal “interview style” questions I got
from the dozens of other girls I had gone out with, she went right into
swapping funny stories with me. And when the conversation took an
unexpected “sexual” turn, instead of turning into a “celibate monk” (a role I
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usually played when the topic of sex came up on a date) I casually chatted
about some of my previous sexual encounters, and made no effort to hide the
fact that, yes, I LIKE SEX.
The date ended with a long passionate make out session in my car. It was the
first good date I had since my college years. At first, I just chalked it up to the
fact that she was a cool girl. But the more I thought about it the more I came
to realize it was EVERYTHING I DID that brought that side out of her. And a
more empowering thought came to my mind … “What if I can get those same
results with all my dates?”
So for the next couple days I replayed the night in my mind and took notes of
exactly what made the date so different. And I realized I did 5 Key things
within the first 5 minutes:
1. I assumed rapport, which let us skip the boring “get to know you” chit chat
that would crush the momentum of my previous dates.
2. I set the frame of the date; instead of waiting for the woman to dictate
what was acceptable behavior on the date I basically displayed to her “this is
what the date is going to be like.”
3. I played offense instead of defense; instead of just trying not to offend her,
I instead actively attempted to make the date fun.
4. I initiated “touching” immediately, which made the make out session
much easier later on since she was already comfortable with my hands
touching her.
5. I dropped the act and was myself. I like drinking, I like sex, I like to tell
funny stories, yet, oddly this was the first date where I allowed myself to
express this part of my personality.
As I looked over the five techniques on my list it began to all come together.
Fun.
That is all you are responsible for creating on a date. And more importantly,
you are the one responsible for creating it. A woman is going to follow your
lead on a date. If you act nervous; she’ll act nervous. If you hide your
personality; she’ll hide her personality. If you take on the roll of “strangers”;
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she’ll act like a stranger. If you come across as a celibate monk; she’ll hide her
sexual side too. However, the opposite is just as true:
If you are cool, calm, and comfortable; she’ll be cool, calm, and comfortable.
If you express your true personality; she’ll express hers. If you assume rapport
right from the beginning; she’ll act like she’s known you for years. If you are
comfortable with your sexuality; she’ll be comfortable with hers.
Do you enjoy your dates?
If you find yourself going on “dead end” dates, rarely sparking a connection
with a woman, or can’t seem to progress physically with the women you’re
dating, then your first step is to look at the “role” you’re playing on the date.
Are you playing the “role” of the fun, laid back, sexual guy? Or are you playing
the “role” of the boring, stiff, celibate guy?
I think if you pay close attention you’ll notice that women are following YOUR
lead. While you may think women just aren’t responding to you, more than
likely you’re TRAINING them to behave that way to you.
Your Date Homework
I have a simple exercise that I want you to try the very next date you go on. I
want you to treat the woman you go out with like she is an old friend you’ve
known for years. Everything you do should convey this attitude. The smile
you give when you greet her. Your level of comfort talking to her. Your level of
comfort touching her. The amount of your personality you share with her.
When you meet the girl to begin the date, instead of starting off with boring
small talk, jump right into a humorous story that has happened to you or
someone you know recently. When she tells you a story about her life, instead
of jumping into interview mode and asking questions make statements like
“that’s just like you to do that…” or “I can totally see you acting this way.”
Treat her like an old friend.
When you begin to do this not only will you begin looking forward to dates, as
you’ll be enjoying them much more, but you’ll also find that women will EAT
this UP. This is completely different then what most guys do. Which makes
your “fun” seem even more impressive and powerful. The fact is, turning
“small talk” fun, and having the ability to express your personality in a quirky
and exciting way is to crucial to connecting with women.
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If you want women to feel attraction towards you, you must first get them
comfortable enough to open up around you. And the easiest way to do this is
by creating a “fun” atmosphere.
My recommendation to you going forward is to re-read this chapter before
every date you go on until the principles behind it are engrained in your mind.
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Chapter 11:
Are Your Conversations Missing “Sexual Intent?”
I want to tell you the interesting story about how I came to realize that playing
‘hard to get’ may make your ego feel good, but it won’t get you girls.
I can remember when I first began studying dating advice I became obsessed
with not being the ‘nice guy’ who supplicates himself to women through
buying her drinks, complimenting her, or being too ‘agreeable.’ And as I
began to see the reaction I was getting from women change towards a more
positive vibe, I began to think the secret to attracting women was to appear
completely disinterested in her sexually. I mean, doesn’t it make sense that if
supplicating ‘nice guy’ behavior turns a woman off, then acting in a complete
opposite manner should turn her on?
But when I started to pay attention, I noticed a few things about the way
women were beginning to act towards me:
1. Although women no longer viewed me as a ‘nice guy’ who they could
control and manipulate, they still weren’t sexually attracted to me.
2. Most women were NOT as confident as I initially thought. Instead of being
drawn to the ‘total challenge’ I presented myself as, they just gave up and
moved on.
3. Hiding the fact that I was sexually attracted to a woman often just made
her view me as ‘asexual’ or worse, a closeted gay.
About five years ago I began to get serious about actually getting more women
into my bed. I had long since kicked my ‘nice guy’ behavior, but still wasn’t
scoring the same night lays and crazy sexual experiences I craved. It’s funny
but because being ‘hard to get’ would initially stir interest in a woman, I
assumed that I just needed to lay on the ‘disinterest’ even thicker.
I remember one girl, Denise, who although I was incredibly attracted to her, I
would repeatedly tell her how she wasn’t my type physically, and that I just
wasn’t attracted to her. What’s funny is that while girls like Denise were no
longer putting me in the ‘friend zone’ we still would wind up ‘just friends.’ It
seemed that no matter what I tried, I couldn’t find that right balance between
‘nice guy’ and ‘asexual guy.’
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Then one day I was hanging out with my friend Steve Weed, a guy who was a
natural with women. Up until recently, I was dumbfounded as to how he got
chicks when he displayed obvious ‘nice guy’ tendencies like complimenting
women and telegraphing a lot of interest. But since I was in a bit of a dry spell
recently with women, instead of critiquing his ‘nice guy’ behavior, I decided to
really pay attention and try to see if I could figure out why it was working for
him.
As it turned out, while one minute I was watching Steve shamefully admit to a
woman that she was ‘turning him on,’ the next minute Steve was flirting with
one of her friends and all but ignoring her. This seemed to have the woman’s
attention glued on Steve.
As I continued to watch Steve I noticed how he would verbally express strong
desire towards the woman, but at the same time gave off an impression that if
she walked away his night would not be the slightest bit ruined. In fact, he’d
probably have another girl within minutes.
At one point, Steve actually began telling the girl what he was going to do to
her later ‘in the bedroom.’ Yet, a few seconds after saying this to her he turned
to me and asked me if I wanted to play a game of billiards with him. As we
shot pool, the woman basically sat in the corner and stared at him the entire
time. As I started to put the pieces of the puzzle together I realized that it’s
NOT about completely hiding your desire and pretending to be indifferent to
her. It’s about expressing your desire for her, but really being indifferent
towards the outcome.
What I mean by this is that the woman Steve was flirting with that night in
the bar knew that he found her sexually attractive, but she also got the
impression that Steve was so used to be getting with women he found sexually
attractive, that if she disappeared he would hardly notice she was gone. In the
past I had always been so focused on expressing disinterest that I completely
failed to get her interested in me in the first place. There could be no ‘chase’ if
the woman isn’t chasing you. You are not a “challenge” if the woman isn’t
intent on getting you.
In fact, it is your initial interest that makes a woman notice you. But it’s how
YOU RESPOND when she reciprocates that interest that either ignites the
chase or makes her think ‘I guess I was wrong about him… and he is hungry
for my approval.’
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I have a simple exercise that I’d like you to try next time you’re out: As you’re
talking to a woman and starting to sense some sort of flirtation or connection
taking place, use a strong statement of desire for her. An easy way to do this is
after she says something funny, you can look at her and say, “Now I’m really
intrigued. You’re funny and incredibly sexy. You don’t find that too often.”
After you say this to the woman, go back to acting normal. Almost as if you
never said it. In fact, if her friends are around begin chatting and flirting a bit
with them. Don’t ignore her completely, but just enough to ignite the chase.
What you’re going to find is that by putting that statement of desire out there,
it greatly increases the amount of natural tension between you. And tension is
known to amplify attraction.
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