IFSCA Course
Manual
Developing Skills and
Competencies in the IFS Model
Derek Scott, Founder and CEO,
IFSCA & Elyse Heagle
We are a Habitat
“We live in symbiosis with a population of inner people who exist in
multiple relational subsystems, much as we have symbiotic relationships
with the millions of microbes in the gut, which are in relationship with
each other.
We are a habitat. The citizens (parts) of this habitat can be hurt and can
get into conflict with each other, engaging in mutual injury, self-attack,
and defensive (or offensive) maneuvers.
The good news is that we also have a Self that is ready to provide
stewardship to our inner system. Once we appreciate the disparate
characters and perspectives of all of our parts we can stop expending
energy disapproving of ourselves (or anyone else) for being inconsistent,
having mixed feelings, or hosting inner conflict. Though our inner
communities can be divided by conflict, they are also full of gifts.
When our parts separate from the seat of consciousness (the Self) we
discover what spiritual traditions have known and taught for thousands
of years: that we have the resources we need to support and protect this
vulnerable inner population with its awesome potential.
Self-acceptance is the ongoing process of welcoming all parts and
banishing none. When we pursue the ideal of self-acceptance we also
gain the freedom to live by curiousity, exploration and inclusion.”
Internal Family Systems (2nd Ed.) pp. 42
Richard C. Schwartz
Martha Sweezy
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Contents
Module #1 “Just Ask”
Pg. 1
Pg. 2
Pg. 5
Pg. 8
Pg. 9
Pg. 12
History, language, and assumptions
Protectors and exiles
Self
Goals of the model
How to do an IFS session
IFS Questions
Module #2 “What’s the Worry?”
Pg. 14
Pg. 24
Pg. 28
Pg. 30
Pg. 31
Working with protectors
Firefighters
Exiles & Questions to ask them
Shame & Non-Burdened Exiles
Updating
Module #3 “Who’s Here?”
Pg. 33
Pg. 37
Pg. 46
Therapist Parts
Article: Multiplicity and Internal Family Systems Therapy – A New
Paradigm? – Derek Scott
Article: Self-leadership and the Fire Drill Exercise – Richard Schwartz
Module #4 “I’m Here”
Pg. 50
Pg. 51
Pg. 53
Pg. 56
Pg. 58
Pg. 59
Self-leadership
The Self-led Therapist
Compassion does not fatigue
Therapy as Service
5 P’s and the Laws of Inner Physics
Article: Embrace Your Self-Destructive Impulses? How People Can
Connect with Dark Parts of Their Psyche for Personal Change – Richard
Schwartz
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Beyond the Basics
Pg. 66
Healing at a cellular level: IFS & Neuroscience - Elyse Heagle
Pg. 69
The IFS Process through a Neuroscience Lens
Pg. 73
Polarisations
Pg. 75
Legacy Burdens and Shame
Pg. 77
Legacy Burdens – Elyse Heagle
Pg. 82
IFS & Addictive cycles
Pg. 85
IFS & Couples
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Module 1
“Just Ask”
The Basic Model
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The History and language
This model of therapy was developed by Richard Schwartz in the 80s and 90s. It has its
roots in Family Systems Therapy and has evolved several times through Dick’s conversations
and work with other therapists. There are several good books that explain its origins, and for the
sake of building your skills and competence in the model, we are going to focus mostly on the
model and how to use it.
This is not the only model to talk about people as having sub-personalities and is also not
the first to see the sub-personalities as having an awareness of one another and some sort of
relationship but is the first to see them in relation to an over-arching Self who is ideally the
leader of the system. It is the inclusion of Self that positions IFS as a psychospiritual therapeutic
model.
Assumptions:
1.We all have parts and a Self.
2. All parts are valuable, and our protective parts all have good intent, although it may
not appear that way at first glance. There are no “bad” parts, and a goal of this therapy is not to
eliminate parts, but instead to help them find their non-extreme role.
3. As we develop, our parts form relationships with one another much the way a family
does, and we can see all kinds of complex relationships within our systems. Parts may be
polarised with each other (different and opposite opinions/agendas), or supportive, or operate as
part of a cluster.
4. As we work with our own and clients' systems they will re-organise and can change
rapidly, sometimes in ways that we only become aware of later. Changes may occur “behind the
scenes”.
5. Parts can get stuck in extreme roles or carrying extreme beliefs and feelings, and can
be freed up to choose something else, if they believed it would be safe to do so
6. Changes can be made in the internal or external worlds and both will be influenced by
the other, however changes in our internal worlds do not necessarily require us to make changes
in our external worlds/relationships.
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Protectors and Exiles
These are the two typical roles our parts take on. Protectors are easily identified as they always
have an agenda or strategy connected to the distress held by the exile.
Proactive Protectors - The Managers
Our managers like to run our lives. They do our banking, plan our vacations, get us to work, and
like to appeal to the rational. They are concerned with social mores and ensuring that we look
our best and are “good people”. Their values are often acquired at a very young age through the
influences of the family of origin and the broader culture that define how to be “good”. Because
they often take on their roles when we are young, managers are much like parentified children in
families; unequipped to lead but feeling as if they have no choice as they hold closely the attitude
of ‘never again’. Consequently, they often do not know how old the system is in present day.
When operating in their protective roles they work to ensure the vulnerable exiles do not get
triggered, hoping to prevent the exiles emerging into consciousness and hijacking the system
with their distress. Manager strategies that present with extreme rigidity and severity often mirror
the degree to which this part believes the exile is in danger of being reinjured. Furthermore, the
system will begin to rely heavily on a manager that is competent in its role (of not triggering the
exile). Yet when we get to know these parts, they often share how overwhelmed they feel by
their responsibility and power. Manager parts are often sacrificing their own need for nurturance
and healing in service of the system, which they believe may fall apart without their influence.
An example of a manager’s strategy would be compulsive people-pleasing to attempt to pull in
positive regard and ensure that an exile vulnerable to criticism does not get triggered. Another
example would be choosing not to go to a pool party to try to ensure an exile feeling body-shame
does not get triggered.
Given that the broader culture has values embedded within a patriarchal and heterosexist
ideology that privileges cisgender individuals which may be reflected within the family of origin,
the managers’ definition of “good” may contribute to the internal exiling process. I.e. if parts
declare a gender different from the presenting biological sex of the individual, or espouse a
same-sex attraction, managers may seek to keep their presentation out of awareness – often
through shaming or depression. Manager parts can depress other parts seeking to come into
consciousness resulting in a “flatness” in the system’s presentation. It is effortful to keep parts
out of awareness and depression often has its roots in a depressing part.
The most common tool of a manager part is the critical/shaming voice (the “should”). Usually
these parts have learned that shaming is the appropriate response to “unwanted” parts’ behaviour.
Typically young manager parts have internalised this from shaming parents. Shaming is endemic
in our culture. Typically our parts that respond to the shaming manager feel beaten down – and it
can be a challenge to hold the understanding that these critical parts are serving us with a
positive intent. Yet when we get curious about these strategies the manager parts can share with
us their concern, e.g. “If I didn’t shame you for being so bossy you’d have no friends”.
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Reactive Protectors - The Firefighters
Firefighters show up when a vulnerable part (exile) has been triggered. This inevitably occurs in
a world that is ripe with opportunities to break through the defenses and efforting of the wellintended managers. The firefighters sole concern is to provide comfort to the system and/or
distract from the distress that is seeking to emerge. In so doing they change the state of the
system.
Much like firefighters in the external world, our inner heroes are summoned by the alarm set-off
by the exiles distress. It is common to find a hierarchy of firefighter strategies, which begin with
more mild approaches and escalate until the pain of the exiles has been appeased once again.
Common firefighter strategies include: alcohol and, drug use, sexual risk-taking, rage,
dissociation, watching porn, cutting, internet surfing, using food and suicide. When listened to
from Self, we begin to hear the echoes of the exiles pain in the extremes of the firefighter
strategy, and understand that they too are compelled into their role in an effort to (from their
perspective) keep the system regulated in the face of emerging internal distress. Like managers,
firefighters may also have started out as young parts in the system, perhaps using dissociation
(the “daydreaming kid”) or rage (the “oppositional defiant” child). As they grow they have
access to other avenues (alcohol, sex, drugs etc.).
Because their behavior is often immediate and extreme they are generally disapproved of by, and
polarized with, the managers. Manager parts want us to present well in the world and will often
shame these parts internally and can be severely critical. When we are blended with a critical
manager part we can feel both internal disgust (“How could I have done/said such a thing?”) as
well as triggering the shame of an exile (“I’m a horrible person”).
Many people come into therapy to deal with the ‘problem of’ the firefighter. It is often their
manager parts who make the appointments with the therapist. Sadly, in traditional therapies, the
therapist’s manager colludes with the client’s manager part and seeks to banish/fix/eliminate the
firefighter behaviour. In such therapy, the beleaguered firefighter rarely gets to name its positive
intent and allow us to know about the exile that it is protecting us from. They may show up so
fast that we find ourselves asking “What just happened?”. In addition to their reactivity, when
the baseline state of the system is distressing (e.g. dominated by a part feeling unsafe in the
world) the firefighter behaviour to soothe/distract may become chronic. This is the root of
addiction.
When they are not in their protective roles these are the parts that may enjoy food, alcohol, sex,
and a variety of playful and sensual experiences.
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Exiles
These are the parts of us that hold distressing feelings and beliefs (burdens). They often take on
their distress in response to events in childhood (neglect/abuse/bullying/teasing) and respond in
self-referential ways, “The reason they are being unkind to me/not meeting my needs must be
because there is something wrong with me; I must not be interesting/pretty/normal/smart enough,
maybe it’s because I am unloveable.
These distressing feelings and beliefs are held by a part who then gets exiled into a corner of the
psyche so that the system can continue to function and thrive, leaving it frozen in the past. The
exiled part wants to be heard and will seek to get out attention in the present by interpreting
events through its lens. We can therefore become aware of exiles when we notice habitual
responses to events wherein we feel bad about ourselves. e.g., “I didn’t get that job because I am
such a loser”, “That person won’t want to date me because I am not good enough”, “My soufflé
didn’t rise, I always mess things up”.
Or we can infer their existence from protector behaviors, such as a manager part saying, “You
better not apply for that promotion: what if you don’t get it?” (the “loser” part will get triggered)
or a firefighter part insisting that we load up on alcohol at the office party after a colleague has
looked at us disdainfully (and triggered “I’m a loser who now needs to be distracted from that
pain”).
Exiles’ presentation may also manifest as heaviness in the mind, body, or heart; communicating
a deep and implicit misery much like that of a child who has been abandoned.
Exiles desire to be able to release their burdensome beliefs and feelings which is why they seek
our attention. These burdens are not innate- we are not born with them. They have been taken on
by a part of the system and because they have been taken on they can also be released.
The process of releasing the distress held by the exile is called “unburdening” and is achieved
through internal compassionate witnessing, usually followed by a protocol that both facilitates
the release of the distress and the internalisation of qualities, determined by the exiled part, that
allow it to be at peace and in harmony with the rest of the system.
Diagram 1. Example of one way to visually represent
the organization of our parts and their interrelationship
within the system.
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Self
Self, often described as “highest self”, “best self”, “core Self”, or “true self” is present in all
people and is often occluded by our parts. Self is characterized by certain qualities:
•
Compassion
•
Clarity
•
Calmness
•
Curiosity
•
Courage
•
Connectedness
•
Creativity
•
Confidence
•
Harmony
•
Healing
Self is often described as a felt sense, an energy, rather than a thing and qualitatively different
from the parts (although some parts have elements of Self, i.e. a parenting or caregiver part can
present with many of the above qualities, and it will have an agenda). The only agenda of Self is
the facilitation of greater harmony achieved through healing.
If you imagine yourself at your best, perhaps on a beautiful summer’s day, lying under a tree
with someone you care about, feeling grateful to be alive, then chances are in that moment you
are experiencing a lot of Self energy. Self is sometimes described as best self or highest self.
The concept of Self is the aspect of this model that makes it particularly unique. Many models
talk about inner parts, but they do not refer to Self. Dick Schwartz discovered Self through
working with clients and hearing them describe this “something different” that was somehow not
the same as the parts and that they often described as “my self”. This self always seemed to show
up with a compassionate voice, and with the ability to heal the inner world. Self is present at
birth, exists in everyone, and can and should lead the system.
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Self is often described as Self energy, and this refers to the sense we have when we are
experiencing more Self in our systems. For Self to lead it has to be embodied and when it is there
is a noticeable difference in how the body feels. I experience a sense of being bigger than usual,
as though my energy field has grown. There is a fluid feel that may have not been there while
being blended with a part. E.g., I have an anxious part who shows up in my stomach and I feel a
bowling ball is in there, and a protective part who shows up in a sense of pinched nose and raised
eyebrows. When Self energy is flowing through me, most of my physical sensations recede and I
become less conscious my body. Dick Schwartz talks about a sense of energy flowing through
his body that makes a gentle vibration, your sense of more Self energy being present may be
unique to you.
One of the places I find that people get confused about Self is thinking that Self is a thing that
you are either in or not in. When we think of Self as an energy it is easier to see it in terms of
amount. How much Self energy is present is a much more useful question than “Am I/my client
in Self”. When we are practicing we need to be monitoring how much Self-energy is available
both in ourselves and in our clients. As you practice you will become aware of how you can
notice Self energy in your system, it can feel like you at your very best. We all have places and
people and things in our lives that elicit more Self energy, for example for some people it can be
elicited by a piece of music, for others, by a walk in the woods, for others, the sound of water,
for others a smell, playing with a pet, or doing something creative.
You might consider that our parts are like clouds, taking up more or less space on any given day,
some visible and some outside of our view. Self-energy, in this regard, may be thought as of the
sky/universe holding up the clouds, something that always has been and always will be. This
metaphor helps to communicate the nature of the Self, in that we do not cultivate Self energy (the
clouds were always held in the sky, after all), rather we understand that Self is immanent and we
work with parts to help them see that they are held and loved inside.
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Often therapists and clients will “try to get into Self” and this may lead to frustration because it
can’t be forced. It is more of an experience of allowing, or of freeing up Self energy than one of
trying.
Freeing up Self energy is about paying enough attention to our parts and to have a good enough
relationship with them to be able to ask them to soften or step back. Sometimes when we really
want to have more Self energy to be able to sit with a client, and for whatever reason our own
parts are activated, it is tempting to ask parts to step back in a forceful way. This generally leads
to the opposite of what we are trying to achieve, as our managers try to get the other parts to step
back and get on with being a good therapist. The “trying” from a partis effortful; connection is
effortless.
Most of us have a “good therapist” part who wants to do the best they can for our clients, and
these parts will sometimes be doing the therapy. With a client who has plenty of Self energy and
a system that is not traumatised, this can still work to a certain extent. These good therapist parts
can often be “Self-like” parts. Parts who mimic Self and often think that they are Self. These
Self-like parts are very hard to notice in ourselves and you will have the chance to practice
looking out for them as we go on. They have qualities of self and can sometimes do good work,
and the difference is that they will have an agenda other than connection.
You may hear IFS therapists talking about being Self-led. Being Self-led is the way of being that
is considered optimal in this model, and it essentially means that Self is making the decisions
rather than the parts. Parts are talking to Self and trusting Self so that Self is able to hear from
them all and make a decision based on being fully informed. Self has no power except for that
granted by the parts, and then with Self in the lead, the parts are resources for Self
Sometimes clients are convinced that they do not have a Self. In my experience this happens
with clients who have many strong protectors, and those protectors can be committed to a belief
that if they step back the system will collapse without them there running the show. Other times
clients do not trust Self and there can be many reasons for this. In a particularly traumatised
system Self may have been almost literally “beaten out” of the client. In such a system it is
important to spend a lot of time appreciating and respecting the protectors and getting to know
their concerns.
The more Self energy we have available to us at any time, the more authentic we will be with
others, and the easier it is to do therapy. When we are doing therapy with a lot Self energy, we
are less likely to feel drained or tired after an intense session, than we are to feel energized.
Self may be understood as both a number of qualities that we can and do embody, and an energy
that is available to us. Just as in quantum physics we find the same phenomenon presenting as a
wave and a particle; Self can be understood in this way. When we are working with clients we
can consider we are co-creating a field of Self energy within which the requires healing can take
place.
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Goals of the Model:
1. Self leadership.
The more you attend to, appreciate and listen to your parts the more they will know that you
(Self) exist, are available for them, and can be trusted to lead the system. Leading from Self
results in a calmer, more confident and easier, less stressful way of being in the world.
2. Harmonising the System:
Exiles have taken on distressing beliefs and feelings as a result of challenging external events,
usually when young and without the presence of a trusted and supportive adult.
Through the process of bringing Self to the exiles and inviting their stories through
compassionate witnessing, it is as if the event now occurs with a trusted adult present who is able
to witness the scene and intervene for the exile by either simply witnessing all that the exile
wants to share, or by entering and changing the scene.
This process allows for the information that had until this point been held by the exile
(feelings/beliefs/stories) to become available to Self, and for the trauma of holding it alone in
exile to be released from the system (unburdening). The exile may then take in whatever
qualities will help it assume a preferred role (e.g. if it felt worthless it may take in confidence).
After an exile has been unburdened the same triggers do not result in the same response, for
example not getting the promotion is no longer wired to “I’m a loser”, if the belief about being a
loser is no longer germane.
Once an exiled part is unburdened the associated protectors may choose to relax their roles as
there is no longer the distress present in the system to protect against. Protective parts may
choose to keep their roles or to change them; they will no longer feel compelled into their
specific actions by the distress of the exile. The resulting changes then include a greater adult
response repertoire.
If an exile holding shame has released its burden and no longer sits with the potential to be
triggered, people-pleasing managers may choose to selectively use their skills but will not feel
compelled to be present for every interaction. The disdainful look of a colleague may now be
seen as being entirely about their critical system with no meaning for the recipient-and therefore
no need to drink to distract from the distress: allowing the firefighter to relax.
We can also note that it is also not necessarily the goal for parts to never take leadership in the
system. In fact, once unburdened our parts can express their innate gifts and abilities that may
make them great leaders in particular situations. The difference is that parts can take over or
retreat in alliance with Self, and function for reasons that are not protective, but rather more
indicative of their true nature. We all have a unique constellation of parts; they are ours to love
and attend to and to help heal where necessary. You would not be you without them.
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How to do an IFS Session
Part 1: The Self-to-Part Connection
Your job as an IFS therapist is very simple: you hold as much Self-energy as possible, by asking
your own parts to soften back and you facilitate the Self-to-part connection for your client so that
their own Self energy can be available to heal whatever distress is being held within their system.
You may wish to think of the session as a healing conversation between yourSelf and the client’s
system. When Self is present compassion and curiousity arise naturally. Just as in the physical
body when there is a cut the body knows how to heal itself, so does the psyche. In the physical
body if the cut is a gash then we need to find a way to bring the skin close so that the body’s
natural healing will weave the repair. We can do this because we know the body heals in this
way. Similarly we now know how the psyche heals – so we facilitate the proximity of Self to the
distressed part in order to allow for the healing to happen. We do this by getting permission to be
a “parts detector” inviting the client to know when they are presenting from a part, vs. presenting
with more Self energy.
1. Settle in to the session
Take a couple of breaths, perhaps close your eyes and invite the client to do the same if they
wish. Take the time to notice which parts of you are up and to invite your therapy managers (and
whoever else might be up: “Did I lock my house?” “I wonder if she got that email yet?”) to step
back as you embody more calm (Self energy).
As mental health professionals we all have parts that come up around different clients. One client
may elicit a desire to fix them, another a part that dislikes one of their presenting parts. We may
have parts that feel intimidated by a certain client, or a part that sexualizes a particular client, or
yet another that wants that client to be its friend. All of that makes sense and, as you become
aware of whatever parts are present in anticipation of a particular client you can acknowledge
them and ask them to soften back to allow you to be present for the work. All of your parts are
welcome, and they are not required to be present for the session – that’s your job. If some of
your parts seem to have a lot of energy around a particular client then you may want to spend
time getting to know it outside of session.
2. Find a target part.
The client may have a part that has been asking for attention. If the client is having difficulty
finding a part seeking attention you may wish to check to see if it is okay to be doing the work,
or if a part doesn’t want to. There may also be a blocking part. If there is a blocking part then
focus on that as the target part. Invite the client to get to know this protective part.
Sometimes manager parts believe they should present something to the therapist (often a people
pleaser). Consider: is there a manager part saying another part (e.g. firefighter/lazy part) should
be worked on? If so you may wish to work with the manager that may be distressed by the other
part (i.e. wanting it to change somehow so that the manager’s life can be easier).
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You can also invite the client to reflect over the past week to see if there were times when they
had a “big” reaction to something (anger/anxiety/self-criticism). Alternatively, invite the client to
close their eyes and do a body scan (slowly move from the top of the head to the feet) looking for
areas of tension, or heat, or anything else that grabs their attention. This may be a part presenting
somatically.
Once a part has been identified you can ask the client where they experience the part in or around
the body – it helps to anchor the experience and enables the client to focus.
For your first practice sessions please focus on protective parts – managers are easiest at this
point: people-pleasers, controllers, figuring-it-out parts. If a vulnerable part does present (e.g. “I
felt like a little kid who couldn’t do anything right last time I met with my parents) you can ask
how the client coped. Their response will likely introduce you to a protective part, e.g. “I just
agreed with them the whole time” or “I spaced out” or “I went for a long walk” or “As soon as I
was alone I started watching porn”.
3. Check for Self-energy in the client
Ask them how they feel towards the part. When they respond listen for what sounds/feels like
Self energy (the aspects of Self we most often work with in the session are Curiousity and
compassion). Listen for comments such as, “I feel warmly towards it”, “I’m wondering how it
got to be that way”, “my heart is open to it” etc. We want there to be a “critical mass” of Self
energy to move forward. If there is not then we will simply encounter more protector responses
as the client’s self-like part takes the lead.
Self-like parts may present in response to the questions as:
• I want to help it (fixer)
• I understand it (if it felt fully understood it would not still be presenting)
• I feel sorry for it (pity)
• I agree with it (ally/empathic part)
• I just want to give it a hug (caregiver). Sometimes Self may offer comfort/a hug, but
this usually occurs after a vulnerable part (exile) has shared a lot of its distress
4. Facilitating the Connection
This module is entitled “Just Ask” to highlight the importance of both maintaining your own
curiousity and inviting that of the client. When we ask parts about themselves from the place of
genuine curiosity, as you might someone you like and want to get to know in the external world,
they respond positively. This is the Self to part connection and in this module you will be
practicing facilitating that connection from which everything else flows.
“How do you feel towards that part?”
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As mentionned above, this is the key question to establish the Self-to-Part Connection; “feel
towards” is a connecting question (unlike feel about which invites a cognitive part to respond;
describing the part but not connecting).
This is an unusual question for someone not used to paying attention to their system and they
may ask for clarification. It may be helpful to restate the question like this:
“Well, you just heard a part of you saying that (e.g.) it hated its job. What happens for you on the
inside when you hear that? How do you feel towards it?” OR
“When it tells you that how do you want to respond?” OR
“What just happened when I asked you to do that?” (A part may wish to declare how odd or
weird this task is. If so, you can validate that part).
Repeatedly asking this question may bring up parts in us: “They came here for therapy and all
we are doing is asking this question”. Maybe a part of the therapist is concerned they may leave,
they are not getting what they came for, they may get angry etc. It is helpful to be aware that
each time you ask the question you are inviting the client to know a part that desires to be
known. This is the first step in witnessing which will lead to the clearing of the distress taken on
by the system that has resulted in parts in extreme places – either holding extreme distress (the
exile) compelled to behave in extreme ways by the existence of the part holding the distress.
If the client feels stuck at this point and it is early in the work, you may wish to coach them. E.g.,
“Imagine a friend of yours told you they hated their job. How would you respond?” Chances are
they would be curious. If not, if they have a part saying, “They just need to deal with it” then
switch tactics. You might want to add, “The job hours mean that your friend never gets to see his
partner and their new baby, and he is worried his partner may leave” to see if a more caring
response is elicited. If the client is adamant that a job is a job, and we should all be grateful to
have one (or somesuch) then you may wish to explore the part holding this strong belief as the
target part.
Sometimes attending to parts inside can feel weird, or clients might think you are implying they
have DID (formerly termed multiple personality disorder), or that you think they’re crazy; so, if
they are experiencing difficulty you can ask them about that, or just name it as what “some
people think” and/or name your own parts and what happened when you started “going inside”.
Spend time ensuring that the client’s part is oriented to the client’s Self and not confusing the
client’s Self with another part or another person. If the client reports that they don’t like the part,
are indifferent towards it or any number of responses that don’t sound like curiousity or
appreciation then you can be sure that a part has blended with the client and is responding. You
may offer that back to the client and ask them to invite that part (indifferent/disliking) to soften
back. Then ask them to return to the target part to see how they feel towards it now. If the
indifferent/disliking part won’t budge it does not have to – you can then invite the client to focus
in on that part and how they feel towards it.
Once the client’s curiousity/warmth/appreciation is available you can strengthen the connection.
The following questions help with that process:
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•
Is your curiousity available to you?
•
Is it okay to get to know this part? (If not stay with the concerned part)
•
Does it know you’re there?
•
It is aware that you are the age you are? Ask it to tell you…
•
Invite it to be aware of the year, show it aspects of your present life
•
How does it respond
•
What information does it have for you now that it has your attention?
•
How is it presenting that information to you?
•
Now it is aware of your presence how is it responding?
•
What role/job does it have in your system?
•
How long/at what age did it take on that role?
•
What was happening in the client’s life at that time that necessitated it taking on that
role?
•
How does it feel about that role?
•
Hypothetically if it were possible to change its role in some way would it be interested in
that possibility?
•
If it feels genuine thank it for letting you know about itself. If it does not feel genuine see
if there is a part not wanting you to thank it for some reason
•
How does it respond to your appreciation?
•
(Optional) let it know you will return to it
If the target part is an exile (often young and holding distressing feelings and/or beliefs and/or in
a distressing scene) you may notice that the client has protective parts between their Self and the
exile. These protective parts in the client are your greatest allies in the work. They care deeply
for the exiled part and will only let self in when they are certain there is enough Self energy to
ensure the part will not be harmed or subject to another part’s agenda. When the protective parts
can sense the engaged kindness of Self they will allow the healing to happen.
For these reasons we want to spend time with the protective parts getting to know them and
thanking them for their efforts on the system’s behalf.
Often these parts will simply soften back/stand aside when asked. For this module, however we
do not want them to step aside; we want them to know Self appreciates them. If in your practice
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session an exile “bursts through” (lots of sadness/fear/shame/misery presents close to the
surface) please let it know that you and the client know it is there, and that it wants attention, and
that the client is on their way. But first we have to determine that it is safe to get to know it. It is
in this way that we prevent backlash – critical parts beating up the client post session because
they were too vulnerable/unsafe etc.
The process can look something like this:
T:
How do you feel towards the part?
C:
I want to get to know it but there is a fog between us
T:
Ask the fog how come it is there
C:
Okay, it did. Now there are a lot of distracting parts
T:
How do you feel towards the distracting parts?
C:
I don’t like them
T:
Uh-Huh. And the one that doesn’t like them? How do you feel towards that one?
C:
I get it
T:
Can you let it know that?
While this may seem monotonous to some (therapist part) if this process is adhered to, at some
point the natural, Self-led curiousity or compassion will emerge.
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Module 2
“What’s the Worry”
Working with the
Protective
System
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Working with Protectors
Protective parts of the system are either the proactive manager parts or the reactive firefighter
parts. Usually they are polarised but can, on occasion, work together.
For example chronic use of drugs/alcohol may be indicative of firefighter (distracting) activity
that began many years ago and has become so integral to the lifestyle that a manager part may
see quitting as too disruptive and triggering of parts that feel like they “can’t cope”.
More commonly though the managers do not approve of the firefighters and hold them in high
judgement. The firefighters often respond to this judgement with resentment and/or anger. Hence
the polarisation.
Managers
None of us would be where we are today without our manager parts. They are attentive,
reasonable, concerned with social mores and want us to look good. Our managers plan events,
get us places, figure stuff out, do our banking and manage other day-to-day aspects of our lives.
To date they have been running the show and it is appropriate to show them some love and thank
them for all of this. Managers enjoy their roles.
However, when a manager feels compelled to drive the system in a particular way it can feel
burdened by its role (e.g. chronic people-pleasing). Any sense of “I have to” (vs “I choose to”)
speaks to a manager part working hard to ensure a part holding distress (exile) is not triggered.
Nevertheless, in the absence of other options, the manager will continue to serve in this way.
Fortunately we have another option now; Self is available to facilitate healing by rebalancing the
system. Often the managers are suspicious of Self – from their perspective they’ve been taking
care of everything for years, maybe decades, then suddenly Self shows up claiming it can and
should lead.
Managers are not likely to simply hand over the reigns – nor should they. It may not be safe and
“Self” could just be another part as far as they are concerned.
Appreciating Managers
Self can, and does, truly appreciate the manager parts of the system in an unqualified way. When
you ask a client how it feels towards a manager part, look for this unqualified appreciation. If
you hear, “I like it but…” ask the “but” part to soften back so the self-led appreciation is
available. When the client says, “I like it” (or something similar) invite them to find a way to let
the manager know that. Once the Self-to-Manager connection has been established then the
following questions may be helpful.
You can ask the part directly (direct access) and it is better for the client’s Self to be
communicating with the part. Bear in mind that depending on the answers it may be necessary to
recheck the Self-to-part connection as information from a part can trigger other parts. A simple
question like, “When it shares that with you how do you feel towards it?” Or “Do you still feel
open to it?” Can help discern if there is still sufficient Self energy present to continue.
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If not, if for example the client says, “It’s hard to hear that” then you can invite the part that finds
it hard to hear to go somewhere in the client’s system where it feels safe. You can ask the client:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Does that part know that you are there? Is it aware of your presence? (If not invite it to
become aware of the client’s Self and/or invite the client’s Self to find a way to engage)
How do you feel towards it?
How long has that part been doing this (behaviour) or been in this role?
When it started doing this (e.g. age 7) what was going on in its 7 year old world? I.e.
what precipitated it taking this role
Does this part know how old you (client) are? Ask it to tell you
Can you let this part know how much you appreciate it taking this role? (Take time with
this; the part really needs to feel how loved it is)
What else does it want you to know about how it serves you?
How does it feel about its role/job?
Is it connected to another, more vulnerable part?
Hypothetically if it did not do this what does it imagine might happen? What would be
the consequences on the inside? (This will give us information about the exile)
If it were possible to change anything about its role would it be interested in that
possibility?
We keep these last two questions theoretical to allow for the manager’s skepticism that change is
possible. The manager does not need to believe it is possible; it just needs to be willing to allow
for something different to occur. When managers whose behaviour is compelled by an exile’s
distress are heard they will usually let you know that they are tired or that there is something they
would like to change if they believed it were possible. Then we make the offer:
•
•
We have a way now to help you to not be so tired, to not have to be on 24/7. If it were
possible would you like that? Assuming you get a yes…
In order for us to help you to not have to work so hard we need to get to know the one
you are so protective of – would that be okay? (See list of common manager concerns
and how to address them)
Worth noting here is that many managers start out young, they model their behaviour on what
they see their parents/caregivers doing or on what they are told they should be doing by their
parents/caregivers. Managers determine that they should follow parental/adult directives to
ensure that we are good people (which motivates us all). Their thinking is often the black and
white perspective of a child and they learn to criticise parts that may result in disapproval
because the absence of caring and love that occurs when the system is disapproved
of/criticised/shamed can be intolerable. Often criticism triggers a part that worries or believes it
is not okay, that there is something wrong with it. This is the source of shame which is endemic
in our culture. Many manager activities are devoted to attempting to ensure that the part holding
the shame (exile) does not get triggered and they will order our lives, where possible, around that
goal.
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5. Get permission from the protective parts to get to know the target part.
If a protective part will not soften back/step aside ensure that the part is oriented to the client
in the present, to ensure that it is not confusing the client with another person or another part.
You may want to ask the part to state the client’s age to the client to check the connection. If
the part thinks the system is (say) still 10 years old, then this can be a shock so allow time for
the part to assimilate the information.
If the part is still unwilling to soften back, ask the client to find out what the concern may be.
Address the concerns of the protectors until they are willing to allow the client to get to know
the target part. It may help to remind the client to appreciate any protectors who are
concerned about getting to know target part; they are serving the system in the best way they
know how.
Concerns of Protective Managers
May include (but are not limited to):
A. Flooding
The part’s feelings may flood/hijack/overwhelm the system. Chances are that this has
happened before and the protectors remember when the whole system was flooded with
shame/fear/helplessness etc. Validating the protector’s concerns is important. Then it is
helpful to provide them with information to allay their concerns:
i)
In the past, the only way the exile knew how to get attention was to hijack the
system; what is different this time is that Self is both available and choosing to
attend, which is what the part is seeking.
ii)
The target part can be informed that if it floods then Self will not be available as
protectors will come up and it will not be heard
iii)
It can be assured that it does not need to flood for Self to get the degree of its
distress through compassionate witnessing
B. The Part will take over the System
Similar to flooding, if a part wants to (e.g.) leave their partner there may be concerns that
getting to know it means that it will take the lead. Remind the client that Self leads the
system and the work is about getting to know the parts. No one part is invited to take
over. Rather when they are known, decisions can be made that are more inclusive and
result in less backlash from other parts.
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C. Insufficient Self energy
If this is stated, then ask the client to check for any partially blended parts with an agenda
other than connection and curiousity. Protective parts are your greatest ally in assessing
the degree of Self-energy available
D. Being Embarrassed or Ashamed
This is another part and it can be invited to go elsewhere in the system. It does not need
to be present to the Self/part dialogue if it finds it hard to witness. Acknowledge its
discomfort and invite it to a space where it does not need to watch (and therefore feel
embarrassed). If it feels it does need to stay ask it what would make it easier for it, e.g.
being behind a shield, or in a protective bubble
E. Rewriting the Dominant Narrative
The concern here is from a part that has told the story that, for example, “I had a good
childhood and my parents loved me”. If an exile is revealing information about an angry
parent who was cruel and didn’t love it, then the worry may be that the life script may
need to be revised. This concern can be addressed by reminding the client that this is only
one part’s experience of the parent and, moreover it is one part’s experience of a parent’s
part (in this case, likely a firefighter). Attending to this part does not invalidate the parts
that did feel loved by the parent and had many happy times.
If, however the protective part is still worried (for example about the disclosure of sexual
abuse or incest) then it is important to thoroughly explore its concerns – often including
significant grief over the loss of illusion. Protectors will have maintained the illusion for
fear that the system “can’t handle” the truth. Self can hear the distress, clarity is a quality
of Self, and attend to any grieving parts.
F. Needing to Engage with others Differently
A protective part may be worried that new information released into the system will
necessitate a different way of engaging with others; possibly confronting a person who
has transgressed against the client, and then bringing up parts who fear confrontation.
The concerned part can be reassured that all we are doing is listening internally and no
behavior changes need obtain from listening. If, as a result of listening to the information
held by the exile, there is a desire from some parts to confront/adjust behaviours then that
possibility is floated in the system and any and all stakeholders are invited to the “table”
so that a self-led decision (i.e. one involving the least amount of internal distress or
backlash) can be made.
When protective parts soften back ask the client to thank them for permission to get to
know the exile.
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6. Reassess the Self-to-Part Connection.
Encourage the client to connect with the part through compassion and curiosity. Often it
is helpful to ask where the part seems to be located in or around the body, then to focus in
on that place. Watch out for the client getting blended with the target part, and if the
client starts to show intense emotion ask the client if it is ok to be experiencing the
feelings of the part. If the client is getting overwhelmed help them to remind the part that
if it blends then there is no Self present and ask if it would be willing to hold onto its
energy/emotions etc., then Self can be there too and be company for the part. The gender
of a part may be different from the biological sex of the person so remember to refer to a
part as “it” until the client uses a pronoun to refer to the part – if they do not use a
pronoun then stay with “it”. Ask: “How do you feel towards that part?”
7. Facilitate Hearing the Story (Witnessing)
Take as much time as the part needs to tell its story. Encourage the client to be with the
part in the way that the part needed an adult at that time (if it is a child part) i.e. engaged,
interested and compassionate (Self).
Oftentimes the parts that are triggered present-day and sound like adults have been
around for a long time. It can be helpful for the client task “How long have you been
around?” or “When did you first start doing/feeling this?”
Protectors often commence their strategies early on (e.g. a 6-year-old people-pleasing
manager may decide that is the best strategy for ensuring a 5-year-old that has taken on
the burden of worthlessness does not get triggered and flood the system). The strategy
becomes habituated and generalized over time and a 48-year-old system may still be run
(unconsciously) by a well-intentioned, and often exhausted, child part that has figured out
how to be in the world to the best of its ability.
Unfortunately, its strategy does not allow for the honest expression of parts that do not
always want to people-please. As these parts’ needs get exiled they will repeatedly get
triggered until their energies can no longer be contained. It is likely that at that point a
firefighter will emerge, using typical distracting or comforting strategies
(anger/food/alcohol/sleep etc.) until the exiled part, (“What about my needs?” )has
receded again to the corner of the psyche to which it has been consigned.
As the exiled part begins to release information to Self (burdensome beliefs/feeling etc.)
the system can experience this process as very intense: powerful feelings/revelations are
accompanied by a concentrated focus on the part.
Often there is a dance of protectors coming in to both give Self a break and allow for the
information to be assimilated within the system (“Oh, this part holds the experience that
Dad never really loved us”) as other parts respond. This may be reported as “The part has
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gone away” or “I’ve lost the connection” or “I’m feeling blank towards it.” Encourage
the client to appreciate the protector for coming in to provide some relief, and then when
the system is ready ask it to withdraw again so Self can re-engage with the exile.
8. Retrieval of the part
This is not always necessary and can be helpful if a part is in a distressing scene. Invite
the part to a safe place out of the scene that it is stuck in and from there invite it to share
its distress. It may wish to come to the present with you, or go to a place where it has felt
safe in the past. It may experience relief to be out of the threatening environment – do not
confuse this with the release of unburdening: it is likely still holding distress as yet
unwitnessed.
9. The Redo
Again, this step intervention is optional and gives you a different way to do the work. If a
part is in a distressing scene, for example being abused by an adult or feeling helpless as
it is witnessing someone being hurt, then you can invite the client’s adult Self to enter the
scene if the exile would like that. If the client has a lot of Self energy they will be able to
courageously engage with the abusive adult in the scene and change the outcome. For
example the client’s Self may grasp the hand of a parent hitting a child, or stop an adult
from kicking the child’s pet. The client’s adult Self can be encouraged to be the protector
and advocate for the exile that was not available at the time. Ask how the scene is playing
out in the redo. Typically the abusing adult will back off, perhaps sulkily or otherwise
reluctantly, but it will no longer be perpetrating. The exile then does not take on the
burden and may not require further interventions, other than to invite it to leave the scene
and go where it would prefer to be now; with whatever qualities it can now claim.
10. Helping the part to Unburden
More typically we invite the part to be heard in terms f the distressing feelings and belefs
it has been holding. After the part has been fully heard we can invite it to release its
distress. Ask the client to keep checking, “Is there more it needs to tell you?”, “Is there
anything else?” And then check the Self-to-part connection one final time: “Has the part
told you everything and does the part feel like you really get it?”
If the answer is positive, then proceed to the unburdening. Have the client ask the part,
“If it were possible for you to not have to carry all these burdens would you be interested
in that possibility?” The question is phrased in the conditional tense as it is not necessary
for a part to believe it is possible, they often don’t, only to affirm interest.
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At this point the part may show concerns (rarely) about giving up the burdens: it may
believe it will cease to exist. Reassuring it that it existed before it took on the current role
(even though it has been so long that it doesn’t remember) can be helpful. Also, the
guarantee that it will not disappear (using your own Self-led confidence – parts cannot
disappear) can allow the work to proceed.
When it is ready, invite the part to take everything that it has shared and release it in
whatever way it chooses to Air, Fire, Water, Earth, Light, or to anything else in such a
way that the burden will never return to it: The part no longer needs to hold the burden
because Self has been able to witness it.
11. Returning to Wholeness
When the burden has gone, invite the part to check its body to see if it feels clear or if
there is still something there that doesn’t belong to it. If there is still a burden invite it to
name and release that too. When it reports that it feels clear invite it to take in whatever it
needs for itself to be able to move into the future. Usually a part will take in qualities that
were not available to it when it took on the burdens – such as confidence, self-worth,
likeability. Young parts may sometimes take in bubbles or pink… they know what they
need.
Be alert to the possibility that a manager part might want to suggest what the part might
need and ask it to step back if so. It doesn’t happen often and when it does it feels a bit
“agenda-like”.
12. The New Configuration
When the part feels complete ask it where it would like to settle and how it would like to
be in relation to the client. It is helpful to offer a menu. I usually say, “It can age, hang
out with other parts, go off and have adventures, become embodied, act as an advisor,
live in your heart…”
Once it has settled, invite the protectors who were concerned about the client getting to
know this part to be with the part and Self, so that they can see that the part is now safe.
Invite the protectors to name any responses they may have to the new configuration.
They may choose to modify or change their role in the system now that their habituated
role is no longer compelled by the distress of the exiled part, and they may have burdens
to release (such as “having to always monitor contact with other people for criticism”.
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12. Checking in
Ask the client for an agreement that they will check in with part every day for 21 days to
make sure that the burden stays gone. Ask them to tell you when and how they will do
this. If they check in and the part has picked up the burden again, they can do the
unburdening again. After about 21 days the new configuration becomes cemented. Ask if
other parts may get in the way of checking in.
13. Wrapping Up
Thank all the parts who stepped aside, allowed the work, unburdened etc. and ask if there
are any parts with comments, concerns or questions about the work. A common question
is, “Will this stay”. The answer is that there are 3 conditions under which the
unburdening may need to be repeated:
1. The part has more to reveal about its burdens
2. There was not sufficient self-energy present and a manager took the lead
3. Events occur in the client’s life which mirror the original taking on of the burden
during the 3-week period post-unburdening (E.g. if the part took on shame as its Dad
was screaming at it and the client encounters an angry boss screaming at him/her then
the burdens may return).
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In Summary:
1. Settle in to the session
2. Find a target part
3. Check for Self-energy in the client
4. Ask protective parts to unblend
5. Get permission from the protective parts to get to know the target part
a. Address concerns
6. Reassess self-to-part connection
7. Facilitate heating the story (witnessing)
8. (Optional) Retrieve the part
9. (Optional) Redo the scene
10. Help the part to unburden
11. Return to wholeness
12. The new configuration
13. Wrap up
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Firefighters
Our firefighters protect us in a different and equally important way. Because our society prizes
managers there is often a lot of judgement both externally and internally towards them. Our
internal managers in particular tend to be polarised with the firefighters that make us look bad.
The drinking part that is “out of hand” at the party, the chocolate-lover, the TV-binger, the
extreme gamer, the stoner part, the sex binger, the cutter… much of the noise in our psyche is
from these polarised parts: “You do – name behaviour – too much” says the critical manager; “I
have every right to…” says the beleaguered firefighter.
Simultaneously it seems we nonetheless find ways to meet the firefighter’s needs. Alcohol use is
celebrated in our culture, many stories start with, “I was so drunk…” ; Las Vegas might be seen
as firefighter central, the gaming and porn industries continue to thrive.
Many firefighter activities, of course, are things we like or need to do. We need to eat, we like to
have sex, drinking can be fun, gambling a thrill. It is important to be aware of our managers that
might want to condemn a behaviour, or label it as firefighter activity when it may simply be a
part seeking to present itself in a way that other parts may get concerned about. It is not
uncommon in therapy for a client’s blended manager to bring the client into therapy to “fix” the
drinking/drugging/eating problem. This may trigger the therapist’s manager into agreeing and
colluding with the client’s manager; further demonising the misunderstood firefighter and
naming its behaviour as the “problem”.
A helpful way to determine if a protector’s behaviour (manager or firefighter) is connected to an
exile is to see if it feels compelled to do what it does. If a part has to e.g. people-please, present
itself deferentially, look important, then it is a operating as a manager protecting an exile. If we
ask it the hypothetical question, “If you did not do this what do you think might happen, or
happen internally?” It will be able to tell us of the negative consequences. However, if it is a part
that just likes making people happy, or believes it is important to not take up too much space in
consideration of others and/or enjoys presenting its leadership skills with confidence then it is
just a manager doing what it likes/loves.
Similarly if it is a part that enjoys getting high with its friends as it feels a deeper connection to
them, likes the thrill of the slot machines, gets excited about reaching the next level of the game
but does not feel a need to do this repeatedly then it is likely a part having fun; not compelled
into its actions.
The above parts may still be subject to internal criticism (manager criticising manager or
manager criticising “fun part”) in which case we work with the polarity.
Firefighters help us by responding immediately to the threat of exile overwhelm. When an exiled
part gets triggered it is likely to flood us with its shame, and/or its terror, and/or its
overwhelming sadness or whatever else it may be carrying. When this has happened in the past it
may have resulted in us being unsafe and unsupported – you only have to look at a toddler
having a tantrum to recognise how intense emotional overwhelm can be. The firefighter’s
response is to change the state of the system as rapidly as possible by providing either comfort
to, or distraction from the exile. When you consider the list of firefighter activities you can see
this is their positive intent, no matter how extreme the behaviour may appear.
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Many people find it more difficult to bring the appreciative energy of Self to the firefighters as
our lead managers may determine it is not safe to “encourage” them and be reluctant to soften
back. It can be helpful to let the managers know we are appreciating the intent of the firefighter
if not the behaviour. If manager parts are still reluctant to allow the client’s Self to get to know
the firefighter then we can ask the manager part how long it has been trying to control/deal with
the firefighter part’s behaviour and how much success it feels it has had with its strategies. When
the manager part is able to admit that it has not been as successful as it would like then we can
ask it if it would consider allowing Self to try something different – with the understanding that
the manager can step in any time if it has concerns.
Once we have access to the firefighter the questions are very similar to the ones we ask the
manager parts:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Does that part know that you are there? Is it aware of your presence? (If not invite it to
become aware of the client’s Self and/or invite the client’s Self to find a way to engage)
How do you feel towards it?
How long has that part been doing this (behaviour) or been in this role?
When it started doing this (e.g. age 7) what was going on in its 7 year old world? I.e.
what precipitated it taking this role (NB often a firefighter may have used a different
behaviour earlier in life, e.g rage or food, later replacing it with something like sex
bingeing or drugs as they became available – they will often tell you this)
Does this part know how old you (client) are? Ask it to tell you
Can you let this part know how much you appreciate it taking this role? (Take time with
this; the part really needs to feel how loved it is)
Is it connected to another, more vulnerable part?
How does it feel about its role/job?
Hypothetically if it did not do this what does it imagine might happen? What would be
the consequences on the inside? (This will give us information about the exile)
If it were possible to change anything about its role would it be interested in that
possibility?
Firefighter hierarchy
At the top of the list is the actively suicidal part. If this one is present it is important to attend to
it first as it can scare other parts. As mentioned earlier, it can be a challenge for the client’s
managers to step aside enough to allow the Self of the client to appreciate the actively suicidal
part so I will generally work with direct access and check that what is being revealed all makes
sense to the client. The interview looks something like this:
Therapist:
Client:
T:
C:
T:
FF:
So, suicide has been on your mind a lot lately and you have a plan now right?
Yes
Okay. Would it be okay if I spoke to that suicidal part directly?
Sure
Thank you. So, you are the part of John/Jane that is planning the suicide right?
Yes
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T:
Okay. So my guess is that the reason you are doing that is because there is so much pain
in the system this is the only way to deal with it – is that right?
FF:
Yes
(At this point you could check with the client, “Does that make sense to you” – or at any point
during the interview)
T:
Okay, I get that. I also imagine that you are aware of the many attempts to deal
with the pain that have not helped, right? (Depending on what you know about the client’s
history you may wish to name them – rehab, repeated engagement in therapy that has not helped
long-term, cutting, long-term drug use etc)
FF:
That’s right, yes.
T: (Option) Can you tell me what some of them are?
FF:
Sure, (describes everything that has not helped with, e.g. chronic shame)
T:
Okay, so it sounds like nothing has helped, is that right?
FF:
Yes
T:
Well no wonder you’ve come to this conclusion about how to end the pain. And
let me ask you, it it were possible to shift that pain, would you still need to be so strong?
FF:
I don’t believe it is possible
T:
Yeah, I get that. I’m not asking you to believe it. I’m asking about if it were
possible.
FF:
Well yeah, I guess. If the pain wasn’t there then I wouldn’t need to do this but I
tell you, I don’t think it’s possible.
T:
Sure, that makes sense to me given all that (John/Jane) has been through. So how
about this. I know if you give me (3/6/10 – whatever maker sense to you as therapist) sessions I
can shift some of this pain.
FF:
I don’t buy it, even if you do.
T:
Like I said, I’m not asking you to buy into it, I am asking your permission.
T:
(Optional) How long has this pain been present?
FF:
Forever
T:
So would three weeks make that much difference? And if I’m wrong and/or
misguided then you are very welcome to return to your strategy. How does that sound? What if
we actually can shift some of that pain?
FF:
Okay, you’ve got (3/6/10) weeks.
T:
Thank you so much. So does that mean you won’t take action until we’ve
reviewed what we’re doing?
FF:
Yes
T:
Great. Thank you so much.
T: (to client) How was that to hear? (We want to see if the client can now recognise the
positive intent of the FF)
T:
Any part having a response to that conversation?
T:
Please thank your concerned manager for allowing us to talk to the suicidal part; it
was showing a lot of trust in you, and me.
C:
It says you’re welcome
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When working with other firefighters (cutters, dissociators, ragers, drinkers, druggers, food/sex
parts) the principle is the same: ensure that they are loved and respected for their intent – ideally
by the client’s Self. When this occurs they are likely to allow access to the exile.
The manager parts care about the exile and the system by trying to ensure it doesn’t get
triggered; the firefighter by distracting when it does get triggered. When both are genuinely
appreciated and invited to be aware that something new may be possible that meets all the parts
needs (an exile no longer holding distress resulting in these protectors being finally able to stand
down) they will be supportive of Self’s connection to the exile.
Firefighter behaviour can become chronic (as we see in what we call addictive behaviour). For
example a system with parts holding significant anxiety (from, for example, a childhood where
the family of origin did not feel ever feel safe) may have a firefighter that can tolerate the stress
of the day until the drink or drug of choice or food activity or porn use can be engaged in later in
the day.
Also a particular behaviour may be engaged in by a manager or a firefighter. A manager part
may be restricting food in order to control the system an d prevent a part feeling fat and
unattractive from being triggered. Or the fat/unattractive part may be in a constant state of
agitation and so a firefighter is restricting food to ensure the exile does not flood. You can
determine the role of the part simply by asking.
Sometimes manager parts are supportive of firefighter strategies. If a part feels weak and
threatened a firefighter might feel compelled to workout 4 or 5 hours per day – at the expense of
other areas of the client’s life. Since a gym body is valued by many as corresponding to the
cultural perception of beauty, and the system may receive compliments, “Wow – you look great!
Been working out?”, the manager may support this compulsive behaviour because it makes the
client “look good” and staves off criticism.
Whilst these distinctions are helpful in identifying the role of the part, we do not need to get
caught up in categorising. Remember: all you need to do is hold your curiousity about a part (and
invite the client to do the same) and it will let us know about its role in the system. The key
distinction about how the parts serve is that protector parts have strategies; exiled parts serve by
holding the distressing thoughts and/or feelings.
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Exiles
When the protective parts acknowledge that there is a sufficient amount of Self energy available
to safely allow the client to approach the exiled part we can invite specific questions that will
help the client to witness the distress being held by the exiled part.
Occasionally a system will present with an exiled part right away. If this happens check to see if
there is a compliant part in the client that believes this is what the therapist requires. If present,
this part may be overriding others concerned about safety and there will be backlash in the
client’s system after the session. Backlash occurs when the work has gone to fast for the comfort
level of the protective system and parts may punish the client and/or the therapist. Therefore if an
exiled part is presenting it is helpful to let it know we will get to it – and to ask the client if there
are any parts concerned about us getting to know it right now. Then double-check – reminding
all parts that they are welcome.
Generally speaking as an exile presents information about its distress, the client is able to hear it,
then the connection may not be as clear. This usually means that a protective part has come
between the exile (target part) and the client’s Self. The other possibility is that the client has a
partially blended part with an agenda for getting to know the exile (e.g. to get rid of it, or fix it,
or figure it out). The exile(s) and protective parts often dance in and out as the protectors help
titrate the information held by the exile (memory of events, affect, body sensations, distressing
beliefs) in order to ensure the client does not become overwhelmed.
Exiles and protectors are often “frozen in time”, unaware of the age of the client and the current
year. Orienting the parts to the present day is important. Just as you would ask any distressed
child in the outside world why it was so upset, we do the same internally. Back when the
distressing event or series of events occurred that resulted in the exile becoming burdened, the
only resources the system had were internal. So we commonly hear minimising parts that tried to
insist, “It’s not that bad”, reassuring protectors, “We don’t need to go there”, resigned protectors
“That’s just how it is”, protectors that regard hope as a liability (because in the past it has
resulted in repeated crushing disappointment and/or despair) and others that appear as we begin
to connect with the exile.
When these protective parts are updated and aware of how much Self energy is now available
they may be willing to allow the Self to Exile connection. Part of how Self facilitates the healing
in the system is by being present to compassionately witness the event(s) that resulted in the part
getting stuck and holding the burden. It is as if there had been a supportive and compassionate
adult available for the kid at the time – if there had been then the burden would not have been
taken on.
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Questions when working with an Exile:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Does that part know that you are there? Is it aware of your presence? (If not invite it to
become aware of the client’s Self and/or invite the client’s Self to find a way to engage)
How do you feel towards it?
How is it presenting itself to you? (Parts may present any way they choose: visually,
aurally, in a “sensing” intuiting mode, through body sensations
Does this part know how old you (client) are? Ask it to tell you
What does it need you to know about itself?
Are you clear on what it is showing/presenting to you?
o If not, let it know and ask if it could present in a way that helps you to become
more clear
o Or check to see if there is a part between the client’s Self and the exile: if so,
simply ask it to step aside or soften back. If it will not do so then ask it about its
concern and address the concern (see common manager concerns)
How do you feel towards it? Keep checking the Self to Exile connection
Can you let this part know that you get how hard it has been/how much pain it is holding?
What else does it want you to know about what it has been holding for you?
Is there any more?
Does it feel like you’re getting it in the way it needs you to get it?
Is there any more?
When there is no more information and the part has declared that it feels like Self gets it
in the way it needs, then we can make the offer as follows:
If it were possible for this part to not have to hold all of that distress/unhappiness/misery,
would it be interested in that possibility? Remember, the part does not need to believe it
is possible, only to express the interest or desire
If the exile answers in the affirmative then we can proceed to facilitate its release of the burdens
now that it has been witnessed. Further questions are:
•
•
•
•
•
What would it like to release all that to? Earth, Fire, Air, Water, light or anything else?
(To client) let the part know that once released it never needs to take these burdens on
again. Please let me know when the release is all done
Now instruct the client to ask it to check its body one last time to see if it feels clear or if
there is still something there that doesn’t belong to it. If there is more invite it to be
realised.
If all the burden has been released and the part feels clear instruct the client to invite the
part to now take in what it needs for itself: usually qualities and accurate beliefs – what is
true for it
The part may now want to choose where. It will “settle” now. It may be helpful to
provide a range of options: it could age, become fully embodied, live in the client’s heart,
go off and have adventures or stay where it is in its unburdened form
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After an exiled part has been unburdened remember to invite in the protectors that have been
connected to it to see how they feel about the transformation and their subsequent rifle. They
may choose a different role or to work less hard – they may also need time to decide.
It is also a good idea to think the parts that stepped aside in session to allow the work. They can
be thanked for their willingness to trust and invited to notice that nothing catastrophic has
happened – quite the opposite.
Shame – A Core Exile
Maybe the most toxic burden, the feeling is as if you are not valued or included. When this occurs in a
very young part it may be linked to survival fear: it becomes imperative to be valued and young
protectors quickly figure out how to do this – hence the birth of the compelled people-pleaser, the
perfectionist etc.
Shame is a multi-part phenomenon. Usually an exile part took in a message that you were not valued,
sinful, bad, incompetent etc. Then the critic that tries to manage that by shaming as the parents did.
Then, often more firefighters or managers come in various ways, perhaps to distract us, preoccupy us, or
tell us we are not bad - so we don’t feel that shame. The actions of those protectors may trigger those
around us, who then criticise us, fueling the critic, which goes to the heart of the exile who then feels
worse, leading to more protector parts doing their thing. This can easily become a cycle. This is why we
commonly see the socially sanctioned protectors taking the lead trying to ensure the exile does not get
triggered.
The sense of being worthless comes into us from
-Shaming words
-Neglect
-Being hurt (children always feel it was their fault that they were treated that way).
Shame is used to get children to behave. It is highly effective short term, because kids will do almost
anything to avoid it. Our inner critics, also go after our own children in the same way, believing it is.
necessary.
A note on non-burdened Exiles
Occasionally you may encounter a part that has never been burdened but nonetheless exiled.
Usually these parts have qualities that were not safe to manifest in the family of origin, e.g. joy
in the presence of a parent blended with bitter, mean parts or confidence in a family that has a
parent easily triggered into jealousy. In these instances the protective parts may hide the part so it
is not at risk.When these parts are revealed they may simply need to be updated in order to take
their place in the system: “It is safe to come out and be known now.” These parts generally hold
great gifts for the client and it can be very moving when they are finally able to be integrated in
the system.
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Special Considerations: Updating & The Impact of the Psychoeducational
Intervention
Parts are often frozen in time and engaging in habituated behaviours long after the precipitating
situation and the associated players have passed. For example, it may have been necessary to
always present in a self-effacing way in the family of origin to prevent triggering a violent and/or
rageful part in a parent. The parts living in this situation may not know that the system has aged
and is now adult; and that the parent is no longer around. Consequently the protective part
presenting in a self-effacing way may take the lead in all social engagements – to the detriment
of parts that would like to present differently.
Sometimes the intervention of updating a part can result in it spontaneously changing its role in
the system. Similarly a psychoeducational intervention (such as informing a parentified child
part that it was never really her job to take care of her parents) can lead the part to happily
abandon its role. It can be a surprise to hear – and a welcome one. This intervention can come
from the therapist (direct access) or the client’s Self.
The spontaneous releasing of roles, however, is the exception – by far – rather than the norm. If
we update a part and it nonetheless insists on its role then we need to get curious about how
come it is insisting on that (it will be referencing an exile). Similarly if an intervention like the
above to the parentified child is met with “No, I do have to do this” then, again, find out more
about the part. We can hold out the possibility that updating and psychoeducational interventions
may be sufficient, and sometimes they are. But when not then abandon any expectation and
come back to curiousity: we never want to get into a “parts war”.
Direct Access
If a client is fully blended with a part and it is hard for them to access their Self energy then you
may wish to move to direct access (therapist talking to a blended part of the client) to ask the part
that hates its job what it has to say. Shifting to direct access can be implicit or explicit, in other
words we may ask the clinet, “can I speak directly with the part of you that hates its job?” or we
may begin speaking directly to the part without naming the shift. In direct access, we ask many
of the same questions we would invite our client’s Self to ask their parts, the difference is that
our Self is now directly in connection to the clients part. Some questions during direct access
here might sound like:
“[Part that hates its job], what do you say/do for [client]?”
“What are you afraid would happen if you stopped doing [job]?”
“How old are you?”
“Who do you see when you look at [client]/How old do you think [client] is?”
After hearing it for a while you may wish to reflect back to the client,
“Seems like that part of you has been doing this job for awhile, and that it is really tired. How is
it to hear that?” or “did you just hear all of that [clients Self]?”
These last question re-invite the Self-to-part connection to occur [unblending], as the Self has
been able to hear from this part and extend towards it compassion or curiousity.
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Module 3
“Who’s Here?”
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Therapist Parts
The focus for this module is to become aware of the parts of you that have, to date taken the lead
in your therapy sessions. Many of these are hard-working manager parts that have learned other
models and have taken on beliefs about the work. It can be hard for those manager parts to
“retire” and they may have concerns about not participating in the work. The more you can get to
know them, love them, let them know that you are now available to do the work, the more they
will be willing to soften back in session. You can also invite them to be present in an observing
role.
In addition to these well-intentioned therapist parts we all carry exiles that can get triggered in
session and therefore we have managers and firefighters that can also enter the session.
Below is an excerpt from peer-reviewed study from Australia in 2009. A qualitative survey was
designed to reflect the questions frequently asked by prospective students seeking information on
a career in the psychotherapy and counselling field. Open-ended questions sought to tap into
personal experiences and illustrate opinions that could be drawn upon later to identify important
themes. Surveys were administered to a representative of key training organisations in Australia.
Becoming a psychotherapist or counsellor: A survey of psychotherapy and counselling
trainers. Table 6. Respondents’ views on factors to reflect on prior to entry to the field
Belief Statement
Requires a willingness to explore yourself
before working with others.
The field is emotionally demanding,
personally challenging and hard work.
Requires a high level of responsibility.
Not all people who seek help want to change
and it is hard to measure success.
Can have an impact on your own life and
family.
Can get a skewed view of humanity.
The field is not necessarily financially
rewarding.
Be aware that counselling or psychotherapy
training should not be used as a method to
solve or avoid your own problems.
Be aware of wanting to rescue others from
the ‘perils of life’, to solve, ‘help’ or ‘fix’
people’s problems, or a personal need to be
needed.
Counselling and psychotherapy is not about
being an expert or ‘all knowing’, or having
power or influence over others.
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Frequency of category
response (N=37)
17
Percentage of
respondents
45.9%
17
45.9%
17
17
45.9%
45.9%
17
45.9%
17
15
45.9%
40.5%
14
37.8%
13
35.1%
11
29.7%
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You may notice some of your own therapist parts as you look at this table, if so you may wish to
take the time to say “Hi” to them, get to know them, get a feel for them in your body. Does a “fix
it” part have you leaning forward in your chair? Does a “need to be needed” part have you
nodding repeatedly and holding fixed eye contact to show that you are attuned? Is a part telling
you the work is not necessarily financially rewarding determining your fee?
For an IFS therapist it is essential to be aware of the parts that come up and may want to run the
session: they will make it more difficult for your Self-led parts detector to be present. The faster
you can recognize them, the easier it becomes to ask them to soften back so that you can stay
focused and curious. Parts that may be connected to an exile (“need to be needed”, “personally
challenging”) may become the focus of some personal work.
Therapist Managers
As always, our managers are there to protect our own systems, and all of the typical ones we see
below in therapists are trying to protect us from something that might happen in the future.
They can present as:
1. Wanting to appear a certain way to the client (or supervisor when we are in the student
role, or colleague in peer supervision) e.g. knowledgable, organized; brilliant; effective;
kind; empathic; “nice”. These managers can be caught up in people pleasing or needing
to be seen as irreplaceable, or the best. (These parts believe that if we show up looking
however they think we should look, then no-one will perceive the parts of us who might
feel stupid, inadequate, disorganized, ineffective, unkind, etc.)
2. Wanting to see themselves as effective. These parts look to the clients to show fast and
clear improvement and can get frustrated when clients move at their own pace (which can
be very slow), and can also get resentful when clients do not show much improvement.
(These managers are protecting against parts who may feel that we are not adequate as
therapists in some way)
3. Caregiver managers who get caught up in needing to be the Self for the client rather than
recognizing that their clients have their own access to Self and only need us to facilitate
the connection. These parts can also have a hard time recognizing when a client has
his/her own caregiver part up rather than Self. (These managers are often protecting
against triggering a part who does not feel useful or needed by clients)
4. Critical managers who tell the therapist that they don’t know what they are doing, should
get a job doing something entirely different and should send the client to a “real”
therapist. (Our critical managers do not generally feel as if they are protecting us, and yet
when we spend the time with them to find out what is going on for them, they will often
say things like “if you recognized that you are not very good at this and got an entirely
different job then you could feel good about yourself”).
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5. Critical managers who listen to a client’s managers talk about a FF activity that resembles
one of the therapist’s own FF activities (e.g., your client is talking about how frustrated
they are that they cannot seem to stop eating a pint of ice cream every evening, and the
therapist has his/her own little evening snack attack FF). These managers criticize the
therapist about it (“How can you possibly help this person when you can’t stop eating a
packet of Oreos every night?”) Again it may be harder to see the protection of this sort of
manager, and again, when we spend time with the parts, they typically want you to be
more in control (so you don’t feel fat etc.)
6. Parts who try to control the clients FFs when a person has, for example, a suicidal part
up. (These managers are often protecting the therapist from possible harm from a law suit
or other disciplinary action, and are typically not trusting that the client has access to Self
energy).
7. Parts who have pathologising way of looking at clients and start telling the therapist that
this person is way more damaged than therapy can handle. This type of manager is also
not recognizing that the client has access to Self energy. (This type is typically protecting
parts of the therapist who feel inadequate/incompetent.)
8. Problem solving parts who want to interpret and make suggestions. (These parts come in
variety of shapes and sizes…sometimes they are excited parts who want to share their
ideas, and sometimes they are managers who do not believe that the client has ideas of
his/her own, and may be protecting against an exile in the therapist who is afraid of not
doing something that the client may need)
9. Eager parts who push the model, and rush to get to an exile. (These again can be excited
parts, and they have an agenda that is a lot more rushed than the patient way that Self
shows up.
10. Various other Self-like parts who have many of the qualities of Self. They are hard to
spot at first, and it usually takes someone else to spot them for us. If you notice that you
have many qualities of Self, but are: very focused on the path the client is taking; on an
exile hunt; noticing that your curiosity looks more like the kind of a scientist looking
down a microscope; in a hurry to get to the “meat’ of the session etc, then this is one of
your Self-like parts. We all have them. Therapists are particularly full of them as we are
so well trained in a whole bunch of skills that look like Self.
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Therapist Firefighters
Just like our managers, the Firefighters are there to protect our own systems, and all of the
typical ones we see below in therapists are trying to protect us from noticing an exile that has
shown up in ourselves:
1. Angry parts who blame the client for whatever is being triggered in ourselves, and feel
burdened by the client.
2. Voyeuristic parts who get a dopamine fix from clients stories and find ourselves wanting
to know all the details.
3. Love or sex starved parts who get crushes on clients.
4. Defensive parts who protect the ones who feel inadequate in the face of client
dissatisfaction of any sort.
5. Parts who take the therapist out during session and start fantasizing about beach holidays
or what’s for dinner tonight, or going shopping etc. These parts can show up as boredom,
hoping the client will cancel, losing concentration. (These may show up as a response to
an overworking manager who works so hard that the therapist does not attend to their
own needs.)
Therapist Exiles
1. Hurt parts who have similar stories and have not done their own unburdening yet.
2. Scared or anxious parts who are triggered by client’s FF.
3. “Inadequate” parts who believe the managers who tell us we do not know what we are
doing.
You may choose to give your clients permission to be a parts detector around you after you have
established the therapeutic alliance. The reason for this is that the client will sometimes see your
parts before you do, and they will not do their work if they experience your parts as getting in the
way.
IFS therapists handle this issue in different ways, for example, some do not mention it until a
client mentions something getting in their way, e.g., client says “I don’t feel as if you are really
listening”, and therapist says “Oh let me take a moment and see if I have something getting in
the way”. Some IFS therapists give clients permission before this happens to normalize it. We
suggest that you check with your parts and do what works for your system.
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Multiplicity and Internal Family Systems Therapy – A New Paradigm?
by Derek Scott
(This article was originally published in “Psychologica” – the magazine of the OAMHP –
Ontario Association of Mental Health Professionals)
Since becoming acquainted with Kuhn’s
(1962) concept of a paradigm shift I have
wondered how this might apply to the field
of counselling and therapy (and therefore
myself as a therapist). This paper explores
the emerging interest in multiplicity as a
model for the personality and some of its
implications for clinical practice.
Kuhn (1962) argues that change in scientific
thinking occurs as a “series of peaceful
interludes punctuated by intellectually
violent revolutions," and in those
revolutions "one conceptual world view is
replaced by another" (p. 10). The “cognitive
revolution” (“Cognitive revolution,” 2011)
of the 1950’s may be seen as a shift that
turned much of our understanding on its
head, relocating the ‘legitimate’ field of
therapeutic enquiry from behaviour to
cognition. As we enter the second decade of
this millennium my curiosity is piqued by
the “discursive explosion in recent years
around the concept of ‘identity,’ within a
variety of disciplinary areas, all of them, in
one way or another critical of the notion of
an integral and unified identity” (Chandella
2008, p. 61). Could this be the groundswell
of a revolution in the social sciences? And if
so what are the implications for our work?
Jackson (1981, p. 86) informs us that “long
before Freud, monistic definitions of self
were being supplanted by hypotheses of
dipsychism (dual selves) and polypsychism
(multiple selves).” Many in the field of
counselling and psychotherapy regard object
relations theory, formally developed by
Ronald Fairbairn based on earlier thinking
by Freud,as the bedrock of counselling and
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psychotherapy. The theory describes how
we internalize objects as mental constructs
with which we form relationships.
Generally, the theory has been interpreted to
refer to a single subject cathecting multiple
objects and then internalizing the
relationships. Leowald (1962) argues
however that internalization may be
understood as “certain processes of
transformation by which relationships and
interactions between the psychic apparatus
and the environment are changed into inner
relationships and interactions…this is the
process by which internal objects are
constituted” (as cited by Kauffman, in Doka
2002, p. 73).So object relations may refer
not simply to one subject engaging with
multiple objects, but multiple internal
relationships with multiple internal subjects.
Howell (2008) supports this view, stating
that “an internalized object must include the
assumption of an internalized object
relationship (in which) … both the selfcomponent and the object component have
subjectivity” which inevitably leads us to
“conceptualizing a multiple self as
internalizing relationships” (p. 42).
How does this shift in the view of self
inform our practice? Most of our working
models seem to posit a single unified
personality, yet if Jackson is right this may
be a relatively recent construct. For Howell
(2008, p. 38), “The ‘self’ is plural,
variegated, polyphonic and multi-voiced.
We experience an illusion of unity as a
result of the mind’s capacity to fill in the
blanks and to forge links”. If this is indeed
the emerging model for the psyche then how
are we to make sense of a chaotic
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environment wherein one aspect of the
multiple self will cathect to an object and
these relationships swirl with no discernible
pattern or structure?
We will likely seek to resist such a chaotic
framework, and additional resistance to the
view of multiple selves is described by
Clayton (2005, p.9):
In the health professions there is
widespread agreement that
dissociative identity is dysfunctional
and needs to be cured. This position
is based on the assumption that the
healthy self is unitary and therefore
multiplicity must be disordered.
For Clayton, adopting a more open view of
multiplicity then “depends on and informs a
major shift in notions of the self, therapeutic
research and practice, and social attitudes in
general” (2005, p.9). All of these shifts
challenge us as counsellors and as human
beings. What is the nature of these
challenges? I think if the personality is truly
multiple then it begs the question, “What
part of me is working as therapist/counsellor
and with what part of my client am I
working?” This is a radical shift in how we
conceive of the therapeutic relationship. Yet
if we do not consider this as a possibility,
are we not in danger of sitting in the illusion
of a unified personality (what may be
considered the ‘monolithic model’ of the
personality) and insisting that our clients do
likewise? Might this be a disservice to them
as well as us?
Let us look at some of the discussion
surrounding multiplicity. Rowan (1990)
regards the development of subpersonalities
as “autonomous or semi-autonomous parts
of the person” (p. 61), noting that it “seems
to be a regular temptation of people working
in this field, to try to classify the
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subpersonalities in some way” (p. 85). He
refers to many theorists including Freud on
the superego, Jung’s complexes, Ferrucci’s
subpersonalities, Watkins and Johnson’s
ego-state theory, Berne’s model of
Transactional Analysis, Stewart Shapiro’s
concept of subselves, the Voice Dialogue
work of Hal Stone and Sidra Winkelman,
the “potentials” of Alvin Mahrer, Virginia
Satir’s work with Parts and the work of
Genie Laborde in Neurolinguistic
Programming (NLP) (Pgs. 61 – 118).
Similarly Schwartz (1995) observes that:
Self psychology speaks of grandiose
selves versus idealizing selves;
Jungians identify archetypes and
complexes… Gestalt therapy works
with the top dog and the underdog;
and cognitive-behavioural therapists
describe a variety of schemata and
possible selves… (suggesting) that
the mind is far from unitary (p. 12).
Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems (IFS)
model appears to be the most effective for
addressing intrapsychic dynamics when
compared with the above models that
incorporate multiplicity. More than simply a
description of multiplicity, Schwartz
articulates a structure that makes sense of
the ‘chaos’ while simultaneously providing
a method for bringing greater peace into the
system. Pedigo (1996) notes, “it is apparent
that IFS includes a fuller, more articulated
concept of self” and that the “multiplicity of
the mind is the most fundamental principle
in the IFS model”. He states: “to understand
the IFS model is to … appreciate a new
paradigm in the fields of individual and
family therapy” (p. 272).
Here is my opportunity to now elaborate on
Kuhn’s conceptualization of a paradigm
shift. What does IFS offer that leads Pedigo
to make such a powerful statement about a
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new paradigm? Unlike many other models
of multiplicity, IFS acknowledges that
leadership of the system should be in the
hands of what Schwartz calls the “self”. The
self has the capacity to view the whole
system from a metaperspective and may be
regarded as the “centerpiece of the IFS
model” (Schwartz, 1995, p.35). The Self
(capitalized henceforth for clarity) is
characterized by the presence of the
following qualities: calmness, clarity,
curiousity, compassion, confidence,
courage, creativity and connectedness. His
understanding of Self corresponds somewhat
to the “willingness, openness and… gentle,
kindly, friendly awareness” present in
mindfulness-based treatment approaches (as
discussed by Baer, 2005, p. 15) but what
makes his approach truly salutogenic is his
recognition that, unlike the view held by
some mindfulness-based practitioners that
“avoidance (of painful material) is not
necessary and may be maladaptive” (p. 15),
Schwartz (2005) maintains that all “parts”
(including avoidant parts) are functioning in
ways that they regard as necessary for
maintaining the health and integrity of the
system. While some may be “destructive in
their present state” these behaviours may be
seen as a result of a “good part forced into a
bad role” (p. 16).Bringing the quality of
non-judgmental curiosity to those parts
reveals “the reasons that had forced them
into those roles and their shame at what they
had done” (p. 16).
However for Schwartz (2001) Self is not
merely the passive observer, it has
“emergent compassion, lucidity, and
wisdom to get to know and care for these
inner personalities” (p. 36). He maintains
that “most people have a poor self-concept
because they believe that the many extreme
thoughts and feelings they experience
constitute who they are” (1995, p. 17)
leading Lester (2007) to conclude, “The
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possibility of attributing negatively valued
aspects … of oneself to one or more
subselves may enable the individual to
maintain high self-esteem” (p. 10).
Schwartz’s model uniquely affords us a
move away from the pathogenic view of the
human being that has so dominated our
field, in that no part of the system is
unwelcome; no thoughts, feelings or
behaviours are deemed as inherently bad.
The IFS model offers us a method for
working concretely with all the parts of the
personality system holding distressing
thoughts and/or beliefs and facilitating their
transformation and is not to be confused
with a model that solely concerns itself with
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
Indeed, DID may be seen as the result of a
normal personality system adapting to
severe trauma in such a way that the
different parts may be unaware of each other
and there is no Self available to lead. DID is
characterized in its initial presentation by
amnesic episodes indicating that a part has
taken the lead in the system whilst other
parts have been unaware of it. Typically
treatment for DID involves enlisting
“executive parts” to take the lead (as
opposed to Self) and the prevailing view of
DID is that the personality has become
“fragmented” as a result of trauma; i.e.
splitting of what was once a unified whole
has occurred. The IFS model rejects the
perspective of the unified whole and instead
recognises multiplicity as the norm.
Additionally, this model wholly supports the
client as the locus of control, fostering
dependence on the client’s Self and not the
therapist’s expertise. That may sound
revolutionary, and possibly threatening to
our therapist ‘parts’. What may be required
of us as practitioners to open to this shift?
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Let me outline the model in brief in order to
share more clearly the shift required in my
own practice. Within the IFS framework the
mind is made up of many parts. A part is a
“discrete and autonomous mental system
that has an idiosyncratic range of emotion,
style of expression, set of abilities, desires
and view of the world” (Schwartz, 1995,
p.34). The personality system is understood
to comprise the ‘parts’ – either “exiles” or
“protectors” and Self. Exiled parts carry the
burdens of extreme feelings or beliefs and
are usually young parts seeking to get our
attention in order to release their burdens
and return to a preferred place in the system.
An example of a common exiled part would
be one who believes itself to be unworthy or
unlovable. Because the energy of these
exiles can be intense and threaten to
overwhelm the system, the protector parts
seek to either prevent the exiles from being
activated or distract from them once they
have been activated. The proactive protector
parts are called “managers” as they work
hard to manage the system. They are
concerned with ensuring that we are seen as
good people at all times and will structure
our lives to ensure, as best they can, that
exiled parts will not get triggered. In the
example of the “unworthy” exile, a manager
part may, for example, determine that
applying for a challenging position is not a
good idea because failing the interview may
result in the feeling of unworthiness
flooding the system. Better to stay within the
safety of mediocrity.
Unfortunately for the manager parts no
matter how hard they work to prevent the
exiles from becoming activated, external
forces intervene. If someone loses their
position as a result of downsizing, through
no fault of their own, the event may
nonetheless trigger the “unworthy” exile and
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the feelings and beliefs that it holds will
begin to flood. It is after the activation of the
exile that the reactive protectors (termed
“firefighters” because their sole concern is
to put out the fire, the emotional intensity of
the exile) become engaged. The firefighter
parts will use whatever strategy it takes to
distract from the exile. That is to say if the
emotional intensity of an exile is emerging
into consciousness (for example feelings of
intense shame) then the reactive protector
may become enraged at the apparent cause
of the shame (the present-day trigger), and
thoughts of revenge may then dominate our
conscious awareness. Drinking, drugging
and the common addictions, cutting, rage,
overwork, food or sex bingeing, all are
common firefighter activities.
Most of these don’t make us look good and
so manager protectors and firefighter
protectors tend to be polarized. Much of the
air time taken up in what many Buddhists
refer to as our “monkey minds” (because of
the endless chatter) is a result of these two
protector clusters fighting it out, with the
managers bringing the critical ‘shoulding’
voice to the firefighter after it has ‘acted out’
in some circumstance. What gets missed
when these two are so embroiled is the pain
being held by the exiled part. The work then
is to facilitate access to the qualities of Self
in the client (particularly curiosity and
compassion) in order for the exiled part to
be heard by the client, and then healed as it
has the opportunity to release its burdens.
When the client is able to genuinely
appreciate the proactive manager part’s
intent to prevent distressing feelings and
beliefs held by the exiled part from flooding
the system, and equally appreciate the
reactive firefighter’s need to engage in
activities that become the system’s focus
until the erupting exile’s energy has again
subsided, then there is Self-energy present.
Holding an appreciation for both “sides”
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allows for a disidentification from each part.
It is when there is sufficient Self energy
present that the protector parts may allow
access to the exiled part, as they can trust
that the client is able to bring the requisite
qualities of curiosity and/or compassion to
the distressed exiled part.
After being exposed to the IFS model and
recognizing the multiplicity present in my
own and others’ systems I experienced an
ethical quandary. If I now believed that
when a client was presenting with the desire
to quit drinking that it was a part of them
making the request (and moreover a part
polarized with another part in their own
system) how could I ally myself solely with
the part demonizing the drinker? In the past
my ‘therapist part’ would have
wholeheartedly agreed that the drinking did
indeed sound like a problem and would have
employed various models, schema and
external supports to attempt to reduce or
eliminate the ‘problem’. Wasn’t that my
job?
Hence, my dilemma. My client had a
“blended” manager part determining that
his/her drinking was problematic and needed
to be eliminated. I now believed that the
drinking firefighter has positive intent for
his/her system and was connected to a
burdened part that had been exiled; and
indeed, that the drinking firefighter might
have preferred to be doing something less
extreme but felt that it had no choice but to
protect in this fashion. My new awareness
informed me that the drinking activity was
engaged in by a protective part of the
client’s system; and that to collude with
making it ‘the problem’ was to do a
disservice to my client and his or her parts.
Ethically I could no longer support such a
stance. In order to resolve this dilemma my
practice had to change: I had to become an
IFS therapist, and to look at what in my
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professional work I had “believed in as the
most reliable -And therefore the fittest for
renunciation,” (Eliot, 1943, p. 23).
I have always claimed to be client-centered
and the IFS approach helps me live up to
that claim in what feels like a deeper way.
As I began to work with this model I
became aware of my therapist part’s desires
to offer advice, reassure, reframe, interpret,
and call upon three decades of experience to
make recommendations; all of which may
subtly imply that the client is not sufficient
unto him or herself. The parts of me that like
to help, to fix, to offer in the interpersonal
dynamic the repair of the damaged
attachment bond, needed to step aside in
order for me to hold and model the Self
energy, the curiousity and compassion for
my client’s parts that would enhance my
client’s capacity to facilitate his/her own
transformation. My wonderfully creative
insight-facilitating parts that had formerly
worked so hard to get the client to see things
from a healthier and more realistic
perspective (i.e. the way I saw things) were
forced into early retirement. These parts
relinquished their positions reluctantly; they
missed their role in the therapeutic
encounter. I let them know I got it; I
attended to their grief. I then noticed a
renewed sense of interest, even wonder as I
took on my new role as ‘parts detector’ and
sat more fully in my curiousity. What part of
my client was being protected by the
drinking part? What was activating it? How
long had it been around? What could it let
my client know about the burdens it was
carrying?
Inviting my clients to shift their focus
internally brought and continues to bring its
own challenges. The storytelling parts that
want to be heard and do not yet know that
the client’s Self can hear them may be
unwilling to step back and allow the internal
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enquiry of the parts they are referencing in
the story. A part may worry that they are
‘Sybil-crazy’. The question, “How do you
feel towards that part of you?” may seem
bewildering to a protector part; yet it is an
essential tool in determining if there is Selfenergy present (i.e. “I’m curious about it.” “I
can see how sad it is.” “I’m glad to get to
know it.”) or if a blended part is taking the
lead (e.g. “I wish it would go away.” “I hate
how needy it is.” “It gets me into trouble.”).
Once the client’s system becomes
comfortable with the method however, the
work begins to flow. I have discovered that
every system presents differently and I
become engaged and somewhat in awe of
the beauty and diversity of these inner
landscapes.
Some people’s parts present auditorily,
others visually, releasing their information
by recreating the scene they are in to the
mind’s eye. One client has young parts that
show her their role by wearing black Tshirts with white letters saying ‘Sad’ or
‘Abused’ or ‘Ignored’. Some systems have
animated cartoon-like parts, or images that
hold meaning (a three-foot tall mummy with
something inside). Others are visceral,
presenting sensations in different body parts.
Still others have combinations of the above.
Along with the remarkable diversity of these
systems come similarities in the concerns of
the protector parts that may feel a need to
block access to the more vulnerable exiled
parts. Most common is the fear of
overwhelm; that a young part’s fear,
sadness, anger etc. will flood the system. If
you have ever seen a toddler in a full
tantrum it is easy to understand the fears of
the protector parts. Another common
concern is that internal shifts will necessitate
external changes for which the system is not
ready. There may be worries about
exploring parts with extreme beliefs deemed
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to be ‘core’. Beliefs about being ‘bad’,
‘deserving to suffer’ and ‘needing to be
punished’ are often internalised from parents
by young protectors and reiterated internally
to ensure that these ‘bad parts’ don’t take
hold. These protective parts can show up in
a variety of ways. Often experienced as a
wall, a block, a numbness, perhaps going
‘foggy’ or cloudy, suddenly thinking about
having a drink or going shopping – most
often these parts can be simply asked to step
aside to allow continued access to more
vulnerable parts and they will. If they are
reluctant to step they can be asked what their
concern is about the work proceeding. Their
concerns can then be addressed.
By staying open and listening to these parts,
their roles, functions and positive intentions
become clear. For the client in an abusive
relationship, what would it mean for the part
that keeps hoping for change if it were to let
go of that hope? What would it mean for the
perfectionist part if it were to stop berating?
What does it fear might happen? The parts
always know why they do what they do, and
inviting simple curiosity, asking them about
themselves, allows their tales to unfold.
Much to the relief of my own figuring-it-out
parts, what the client’s parts reveal is often
not on my radar. I was once working with a
woman who came to see me after 14 years
on large doses of anti-depressant
medications. Her doctor had agreed to titrate
her off them and monitor her as I helped her
with the depression. After a while she asked
the depressed part of her that was so often
blended why it needed to do that, why it
needed to take her over. Its response was
that if it didn’t then she would realise how
boring her husband was and would have to
leave him and since she was old and
dependent on him financially that was too
much of an upheaval. Once its role was
understood its concerns could be explored.
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Aside from the delight and fascination of
being a parts detector for my clients and
privy to their rich inner lives, and in addition
to the pleasure I derive from not fostering a
dependency on me as the therapist, the most
rewarding aspect of this work is witnessing
the changes that take place within my
clients’ systems that are permanent and
healing. Previously I was often left with a
nagging doubt about my effectiveness. I
would spend time with clients, they would
‘graduate’ from their therapeutic work, they
would report positive changes in their lives,
yet I was left wondering if the work ‘took’,
if without the bolster of weekly support they
would be able to maintain the ground that
they had apparently gained. Working with
the IFS method it is absolutely clear to me
that the exiled parts are healed, and this
occurs through the process of
“unburdening”, described below.
Let’s say that a client presents with binge
eating as the issue that needs to be
addressed. She may be able to identify that
tension between her and her partner leads
her to scan the interior of her fridge on a
regular basis, seeking solace. We can ask
her to bring her attention to the eating part (a
“firefighter” in this model) and to appreciate
it for its attempts to soothe the distress in the
system. This may take a while as the
polarized “manager” parts may be reluctant
to step aside to allow the appreciation to
flow: manager parts view firefighters as
problematic. Once the genuine appreciation
for the firefighter is felt then it will likely be
willing to share information about itself, its
protective role, how it feels about that role
(including anything it might like to change if
it were possible) and information about the
exiled part to which it is connected. The
therapist’s interventions here are simply to
determine how much of the client’s Self is
present by repeatedly checking how the
client feels towards the presenting part to
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determine if there is an open-hearted
connection. This ‘script’ is radically
different from the interventions with which
most of us are familiar. When a firefighter
part trusts the client’s Self enough it may
allow access to the exile, who will then, in
the presence of the client’s curiosity and
compassion, be able to let the client know
about the burdens it holds. It may begin by
saying that it feels bad when its partner is
mean to it. Further enquiry may yield
information that it feels unloved. Asking
how long it has felt that way will lead to its
initial presentation in the system and it may
reveal that it is six years old and has
nonetheless ‘grown up with’ the client;
becoming activated at various times in the
client’s life. Asked about its inception in the
system, the world where it is ‘stuck’, it may
tell the story of how its Dad ignores it when
it asks for attention. It may tell of a mother
in clinical depression who is unavailable to
it. In trying to comprehend why it feels so
isolated, why it is not being nurtured, it will
logically conclude (with all the self-focus of
a six-year-old coupled with the belief in the
God-like perfection of the parents) that it is
not loved because it is unlovable; it is
flawed. Were this belief to obtain within the
system the child could not thrive; so the part
holding this distressing belief is exiled to a
corner of the psyche from which it later
seeks to return.
Now in the client’s adult life this part gets
triggered by an unavailable partner and a
firefighter immediately jumps in and uses
food to distract from the potentially
threatening feelings of the exiled part. Once
the client has heard all that the exile has to
say, and it knows that the true depth of its
misery has been heard with compassion, it is
now ready to release the burdens it took on
and return to either its original role, or a new
preferred role in the system. We can instruct
the client to invite the part to release its
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burdens to light or any of the elements in
such a way that they will never return. It can
now be invited to fill itself with whatever
qualities will help it to move forward –
perhaps it will choose confidence and the
knowledge of its own worth.
Returning to the rest of the system we can
ask if other parts have comments or
concerns about the shift that has occurred.
Often a protector may wonder what its role
is now and may be relieved to discover that
it can still choose yummy things to eat, but
its behaviour will no longer be driven by the
need to distract from the emotional fire of
the exile. In the external world the client
may notice that her partner’s mean
behaviour no longer triggers a feeling/belief
of being unlovable, and her available
response repertoire is greatly increased.
Interestingly these changes are reported as
feeling minimal and as if the client had
always responded this way.
Therapy derives from the Greek “therapeia”,
to attend. The elegance of this model, the
simple requirement that the therapist
compassionately attend the client’s Selfhealing via the exploration and unburdening
of parts holding extreme feelings and/or
beliefs, invites us as practitioners back to
our roots. In the words of T.S. Eliot (Eliot,
1943, p. 39):
With the drawing of this Love and the voice
of this Calling
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Is the Internal Family System model the
emerging paradigm in psychotherapy? I am
encouraged by recent shifts in our
understanding of the relationship between
the mind and the brain and the role of
mindfulness as outlined by Siegel (2007)
and the evident neuroplasticity of the brain
(Doidge, 2007). Both authors present work
that supports the IFS framework.
Time will tell if this is the direction in which
the field is shifting. All I know for myself is
that my re-engagement with the beauty of
the work, my realistic hope for positive
client outcomes, and my capacity to hold
them in their highest place even when their
parts may be presenting a different picture
affords me much thankfulness that my own
parts have guided me to be doing this sacred
work.
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References
Baer, R. (2005).Mindfulness-based
treatment approaches: Clinician’s
guide to evidence base and
applications. San Diego,CA:
Academic Press.
Chandella, N. (2008). I have that within
which passeth show. International
Journal of the Humanities, 6(2), 61-70.
Clayton, K. (2005). Critiquing the
requirement of oneness over
multiplicity: An examination of
dissociative identity (disorder) in five
clinical texts. E-Journal of Applied
Psychology, 1(2), 9-19.
Cognitive revolution (n.d.). In
Wikipedia. Retrieved March 15, 2011,
from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_r
evolution
Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that
changesitself: Stories of personal
triumph from the frontiers of brain
science. New York, N.Y: Viking.
Eliot, T. (1943).The four quartets. New
York: Harcourt, Brace & World, Inc.
Howell, E. (2008).The dissociative
mind. New York: Routledge.
Jackson, R. (1981).Fantasy: the
literature of subversion. London:
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Routledge.
Kauffman, J. (2002). The psychology of
disenfranchised grief: Liberation,
shame, and self-disenfranchisement.
In Doka, K. (Ed), Disenfranchised
grief: new directions, challenges, and
strategies for practice. Champaign,
Il: Research Press.
Kuhn, T. (1962). The structure of
scientific revolutions. Chicago, Il:
University of Chicago Press.
Lester, D. (2007). A subself theory of
the personality. CurrentPsychology,
26, 1 – 15.
Pedigo, T.B. (1996). Richard C.
Schwartz: Internal family systems
therapy. Family Journal 4(3), 268277.
Rowan, J. (1990).Subpersonalities: the
people inside us. London: Routledge.
Schwartz, R. (1995). Internal family
systems therapy. New York: Guilford
Press.
Schwartz, R. (2001).Introduction to the
internal family systems model. Oak
Park, Il: Trailhead Publications.
Siegel, D. (2007). The mindful brain.
New York, N.Y:W.W. Norton &
Company, Inc.
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Self-leadership and the Fire Drill Exercise
Richard C. Schwartz Ph.D
Reprinted from the Self to Self newsletter Vol. 2 No. 1 Spring 1997
...extreme parts feed off the extreme reactions they create in the other’s parts
Over the years, the Self and the concept of Self-leadership has become increasingly central to the
IFS model. Effective therapists have learned to maintain Self-leadership in the face of
provocation from their clients’ parts. More generally, however, the more one’s life is Self-led,
the more one is able to relax and enjoy it and the more harmony one has in internal and external
relationships. It is very similar to what Paul Ginter described as mindfulness in the last
newsletter, and, like mindfulness, Self-leadership requires practice.
As therapists we are fortunate to have a set of daily Self-leadership practice periods, otherwise
known as sessions. My sessions are times when I deliberately concentrate on practicing Selfleadership and my clients’ parts provide a variety of challenges and provocations. Before a client
arrives I will try to feel the energy of the Self and will try to keep that energy flowing through
the whole session. I’m also frequently asking my parts to step back and trust my Self, trust that
energy. With some clients’ parts this is very difficult and my parts still take over at times. But it
becomes easier with practice and, when I’m successful, it makes doing therapy a pleasure.
In collaboration with Ron Kurtz, the developer of Hakomi, I’ve devised an exercise to help
people practice Self-leadership in the face of provocation. It’s called the Fire Drill because it
resembles times when one has to rehearse for an emergency. That is, there are times in life when
our parts are suddenly activated by a person or situation and we don’t have time to go inside and
find out what’s bothering them or to do any extensive inner work. The Fire Drill can be done
with two or more people, one of whom is the “provokee.” The provokee is to think of a situation
or person in his or her life that activates parts. The provokee then describes that situation or
person to the others so that one or both can be the provoker - can role-play that person or
situation. The provoker then tries to activate the provokee’s parts in the way described, and the
provokee allows his or her parts to get upset and take over. Once the provokee is stirred up, the
provoker (or an observer if there are others witnessing) pauses the action and invites the
provokee to go inside and ask his or her parts to step back and trust the Self to handle the
provoker. When there’s some degree of agreement, the provokee returns and tries to maintain
Self-leadership as the provoker resumes the activating behavior. When that feels complete, the
provokee, provoker and observers discuss the exercise.
To maintain Self-leadership in the face of provocation, our parts must be able to trust our Selves
enough to quickly step back and let our Selves handle the situation, despite the fact that they’re
still upset. When this works, a person will feel upset inside, but will not be overwhelmed by the
upset parts and will remain the “I” in the storm -- dealing calmly, confidently and even
compassionately with the situation, while sensing parts that are seething or cowering inside. The
Self may want to speak for some of those parts so they feel acknowledged, but not have the parts
take the driver’s seat. When your parts take over and express their feelings, it often has the effect
of activating parts in the other and of distorting your perceptions as the speaker. In contrast, the
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Self can say the same words that a part would say and yet the listener is okay hearing it because
they hear the caring behind it. Their connection to you isn’t broken, whereas it often is broken
when parts take over.
Self-leadership is disarming, it melts the other’s protectors, and nurtures the other’s exiles -- it
strengthens the Self-to-Self connection that is what we’re here for.
After the storm has cleared and you have some time, you can go to your parts and help them with
their reactions. These situations are always fertile. When parts are activated, their burdens are
more evident and you can help them unburden. When they trust the Self to lead in a tense
situation and then the Self cares for them afterward, they feel safe and can further relax into the
comfort of Self-leadership.
Some people think that Selfleadership means always being warm, open and nurturing, so they’re
reluctant to trust their Self in situations that call for assertiveness. This is a misconception. The
Self can be forcefully protective or assertive. The energy of the Self is both nurturing and strong
-- yin and yang. Thus, it’s possible and preferable to let the Self handle occasions where you
have to set limits or defend yourself as well as times when you are in a healing role. Much of the
martial arts is about the practice of Self-leadership. This is not to say that parts should never take
over, just that Self-leadership means that when they do, it’s by choice rather than by automatic
reaction. There are times when it’s fun or necessary to allow a part to take over -- e.g., at a party,
or when a person won’t hear you any other way. But that should be temporary and by conscious
choice.
Thus, the Fire Drill is an excellent way to: (1) find and heal parts that are activated by certain
situations (2) increase trust in the Self, and (3) rehearse for real situations. There is another big
lesson that people often receive through the exercise. Frequently the provoker finds that he or she
cannot continue to provoke, or has much more trouble doing so, once the provokee returns and is
leading with the Self. They report that it’s as if the game is over, that it’s no longer fun to bother
the provokee because the payoff is gone. This is because extreme parts feed off the extreme
reactions they create in the other’s parts, and because the Self of one person elicits the Self of the
other. This is why Self leadership is so much more effective in getting what you want from
others -- love, consideration, attention, connection, compromise -- because it’s so much easier to
deal with the other’s Self than his or her parts. Self-leadership is disarming, it melts the other’s
protectors, and nurtures the other’s exiles -- it strengthens the Self-to-Self connection that is what
we’re here for.
As hard as it is to maintain at first, Selfleadership ultimately saves energy because you don’t go
away from interactions still stewing about them. Parts will have all kinds of arguments about
why it’s crucial for them to remain in control, but they really wish they didn’t have all that
responsibility and want the Self to prove it can handle life for them. Thus, like mindfulness, Selfleadership is a kind of spiritual practice in which we can engage continuously. As I mentioned
earlier, for the therapist, this turns therapy into a spiritual practice rather than merely a job or a
career. But the concept of Self-leadership is relevant for any endeavor, and I look forward to
opportunities to apply it to other contexts -- from schools to corporations.
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The Fire Drill exercise is a good way to practice Self-leadership in any context; for example, I’ve
used it with couples quite effectively: One partner (A) thinks of something the other (B) does
that bothers him or her and asks B to do that thing until parts of A are stirred up. A then goes
inside and helps his or her parts step back and let A’s Self deal with the parts of B. As you know,
if you are a part of a couple, this is a very difficult task. It’s in the heat of the battle when couples
have the most trouble maintaining Self-leadership because, as the law of polarization predicts,
each is afraid that if they don’t protect themselves with their parts, the other will run amok or get
away with something. Yet, if one can remain the “I” in the storm, then often the other’s parts
retreat also. The pretend nature of the fire drill exercise with couples can make it playful also.
Each is asked to deliberately do something that bothers the other. This produces an “as if” set in
which they can safely experiment with old and some new patterns. The danger in the fire drill
exercise is that the provokee’s parts may get so stirred up that they overwhelm the person and
trigger inner escalations. Young parts cannot always distinguish between role-play and reality.
They may come to believe that the provoker really means it. For this reason, I rarely become the
provoker with clients, and when I do, I am careful about the kind of provoking I’m willing to do.
Afterwards, I’m careful to “derole” by having clients tell their young parts that it was pretend
and that I’m not that person. This is an important step in any use of the Fire Drill exercise.
Also, there is the potential for the provoker to get carried away by the parts he or she is using in
the role-play such that it becomes hard to return to Self-leadership. To avoid this, it behooves
therapists to have the provoker check before hand with the parts that will be enlisted to see if that
potential exists. As we continue to explore what Self-leadership entails, there is increasing need
to find ways to practice it. I encourage readers to share the ways they have found to achieve and
maintain it.
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Module 4
“I’m Here”
Leading as YourSelf
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Self-leadership
Perhaps best described as being the calm at the center of the storm that life's passages can
bring us, Self-leadership enables us to bring curiousity internally to the unknown and
compassion to suffering. In terms of how we lead our lives it allows us to love our quirky
parts and bring comfort and companionship to the lonely parts of us; paradoxically they
are less alone when we – Self – can be with them.
I often say that someone has to love my parts and it might as well be me; in reality who
else in this world is likely to unconditionally love every part of me without getting
triggered into their own “stuff”? And my parts don't have to love or even like each other.
That’s my job. Self-leadership helps the gestalt that is the personality system to operate
as an alliance.
As we spend more time appreciating our parts, helping them out and holding them in our
awareness we find ourselves increasingly living our day-to-day lives with lots of Self
energy. Typically, at some point we will get “hijacked” or notice "I'm" not doing okay.
That just means a part is getting our attention - so we attend to it. Sometimes the blending
of the distressed part (sad… bitter… lonely… depressed) may last for a long while until
we become aware that the “me” feeling the distress is a part. Once we return to that
clarity we are able to disidentify from it and see what it needs from us; returning us to a
more Self-led state. Over time this process is more readily available to us.
As I see it the goal here is not the elusive Buddha-like enlightenment; nor the permanent
Christ-like compassion and love for all (“or maybe I just haven’t gotten there yet” – says
a part) but more peace, more clarity, more of the “C” qualities available within the
system more of the time. So, when my grocery-shopping part goes to the market on
Saturday he has more ease within himself and more connection available between him
and the stallholders. And I can share with him my appreciation for his work. I have an
eating part that loves fresh salad greens – without my shopping part my eating part’s life
would be impoverished.
Self-leadership and Decision-making
Dick Schwartz has observed (in his essay “The Self”) that
“Once a person’s parts learned to trust that they didn’t have to protect so much
and could allow the Self to lead, some degree of Self would be present for all their
decisions and interactions.
Even during a crisis, when a person’s emotions were running high, there would be
a difference. Instead of being overwhelmed by and blending with their emotions,
Self-led people are able to hold their center, knowing that it was just a part of
them that was upset now and would calm down eventually.”
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If we understand Self as having a desire for harmony and healing, we can understand its
role in decision-making as being similar to that of a mediator. Let’s say there was a major
decision to make: moving to another town mainly for work and having to uproot the
family as a result. Self can:
•
•
•
•
Listen to all the stakeholders (parts) with respect
Ask that parts be respectful of each other as they present their information and
concerns: they will all be heard; they do not have to agree
If parts seem to have a lot of exile or protector energy (I have to stay here, I just
have to...") they may require some work to come to a less intense place
The Self-led decision is one that involves moving forward with the least amount
of backlash and therefore less stress
Parts are not unreasonable - if they have been listened to and invited to be aware that Self
is making a decision based on the input of all the stakeholders in the system they can
tolerate not getting 100% of what they wanted. It is helpful to thank the parts for their
willingness to compromise. It can fun to get to know the different parts as it becomes
increasingly possible to move from reactivity to response-ability
The Self-Led Therapist: Continued Engagement and Burnout
Prevention
Most of us have been taught that one of our most valuable gifts is to listen empathically,
to put ourselves in the other’s shoes, to walk a mile etc. One of the tenets of reflective
listening is to listen for the meaning – often the emotional impact – of what is being said
in order to reflect it back to the person, so they know they are being heard and can, in
effect, hear themselves.
Tania Singer, from a paper in Current Biology Vol 24 No 18, 2014 entitled “Empathy
and Compassion” states:
“Empathy makes it possible to resonate with others’ positive and negative
feelings alike — we can thus feel happy when we vicariously share the joy of
others and we can share the experience of suffering when we empathize with
someone in pain.”
Empathic parts help us to make friends, manage our parents, engage in social interaction,
cry at movies and connect with others in meaningful ways. Yet when we repeatedly draw
on our empathic parts in the therapeutic encounter the results can be detrimental. Singer
again:
“While empathy refers to our general capacity to resonate with others’ emotional
states irrespective of their valence — positive or negative — empathic distress
refers to a strong aversive and self-oriented response to the suffering of others,
accompanied by the desire to withdraw from a situation in order to protect oneself
from excessive negative feelings.”
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IFS understands that the empathic response comes from a part; it is not an aspect of Self.
Singer’s research supports this contention, demonstrating that the empathic response
lights up neural circuitry different from what is present during a compassionate response.
“Compassion… is conceived as a feeling of concern for another person’s
suffering which is accompanied by the motivation to help. By consequence, it is
associated with approach and prosocial motivation.
In order to prevent an excessive sharing of suffering that may turn into distress,
one may respond to the suffering of others with compassion. In contrast to
empathy, compassion does not mean sharing the suffering of the other: rather, it is
characterized by feelings of warmth, concern and care for the other, as well as a
strong motivation to improve the other’s wellbeing. Compassion is feeling for and
not feeling with the other.”
In conversation with Dick Schwartz I suggested that compassion might be an aspect of
what Professor Amit Goswami, a researcher in quantum physics, calls ‘non-local
consciousness’. Local consciousness may be considered as our individual personality
systems (parts). Non-local consciousness, according to Goswami, considers
“consciousness as the unified field, something that connects us all. It is what Jungians
might call the collective consciousness, what Vedantists might call Self”. Dick agreed
that this was likely the case.
Compassion, then, is boundless because it is not bounded within the personality system.
Compassion cannot be overwhelmed nor become ‘fatigued”. Compassion is a limitless
resource. And the way compassion heals is by manifesting the willingness to stay
connected. When a counsellor/therapist/human being manifests compassion in this way in
the light of another’s suffering they invite the other to mobilise their own compassion and
bring it to their own suffering parts so that they get heard and may be healed
(unburdened).
An IFS therapist is repeatedly and consciously working from a place of compassion.
Singer’s work demonstrates that “compassion training” results in changes in neural
activity.
“Given the potentially detrimental effects of empathic distress, the finding of
existing plasticity of adaptive social emotions is encouraging, especially as
compassion training not only promotes prosocial behavior, but also augments
positive affect and resilience, which in turn fosters better coping with stressful
situations”
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Lorne Ladner, author of “The Lost Art of Compassion: Discovering the Practice of
Happiness in the Meeting of Buddhism and Psychology” offers this understanding of
compassion from her essay ‘Positive Psychology and the Buddhist Path of Compassion’,
“the expression of simple human compassion is healing in and of itself. By
developing deep, powerful feelings of compassionate connection with others…
we can learn to live meaningful and joyful lives. Only such feelings can help us to
learn experientially how to… give of ourselves without becoming exhausted or
burnt out - such feelings of joyful compassion teach us how taking care of others
is actually a supreme method for taking care of ourselves.”
Self-led compassion in the therapy session says: “I see, feel and hear you. I will not
abandon this connection with you. I will not seek to change, nor deny your truth. In your
experience of the unbearable you will be connected to me and through me.” When a
client’s Self is available to their own parts, this is the connection that facilitates healing.
I have adapted the following article by veterinarian Trisha Dowling who beautifully
articulates the compassion/empathy distinction.
Compassion does not fatigue!
Trisha Dowling\
In the health care professions, the words compassion and empathy are frequently used
interchangeably, and the term compassion fatigue is often used to describe a type of posttraumatic stress disorder. According to Dr. Charles Figley of Tulane University,
“Compassion fatigue is a state experienced by those helping people or animals in distress;
it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those being
helped to the degree that it can create a secondary traumatic stress for the helper.” But
emerging research from the social neuroscience laboratory of Dr. Tania Singer of the
Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Germany shows that
compassion fatigue is a misnomer and that it is empathy that fatigues in care givers, not
compassion!
To explain the differences, Singer developed a hierarchy model of empathy and
compassion (Figure 1).
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for
Part’s
with
Figure 1
Hierarchy model of empathy and compassion.
Empathy
Empathy allows us to resonate with others’ positive and negative feelings. We can feel
happy at the joy of others and we can feel distress when we observe someone in physical
or mental pain. While sharing positive emotions with others is certainly pleasant, the
sharing of negative emotions can be difficult.
The development of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) opened the way for
neuroscientists to explore the brain circuitry involved when people experience pain in
themselves as well as when they observe someone else feeling pain. To investigate painrelated empathy, Dr. Singer studied married couples, with the assumption that couples are
likely to feel empathy for each other. Using fMRI scanners, she investigated the brain
networks that were activated when a painful stimulus was applied to the hand of one
partner and the other partner could see and hear their reaction. Areas of the anterior insula
and the anterior middle cingulate cortex were activated when subjects received pain but
also when they observed that their partner experienced pain. Other parts of the pain
network were activated only in the partner actually receiving the painful stimulus. Singer
concluded that the part of the pain network associated with its emotional qualities, but not
its sensory qualities, mediates empathy for suffering. Thus, both the firsthand experience
of pain and the knowledge that a beloved partner is experiencing pain activate the same
emotional brain circuits.
In human interactions, feeling empathy is the first step in building social connection. But
it is very important that in empathy you feel with the other person, but you don’t confuse
yourself with the other; you still know that the emotion you resonate with is the emotion
of the other person. A good example of appropriate empathy is helping a client through
the euthanasia experience. As I have euthanized many of my own animals during my 30year veterinary career, I feel my own sadness during the euthanasia process. But I can
tell that I’m feeling and honoring their grief and not making the grief my own.
After empathy establishes the connection between us, the second step of the hierarchy
can diverge into the processes of empathetic distress or compassion and empathetic
concern. Whether observation of distress in others leads to empathic concern and
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altruistic motivation or to personal distress is dependent on noticing which of our parts
may be getting triggered and inviting it to soften back (ideally to be attended to at a later
date). I.e. am I resonating with them from self or is a part of me getting triggered
When we take on the emotional pain of the other person as our own pain, empathetic
distress results. If I’m not able to distinguish my client’s grief from my grief over the loss
of my own animals, then I move into empathic distress. Empathic distress is the strong
aversive response to the suffering of others, as an exile gets triggered. Our manager parts
then bring the desire to withdraw from a situation in order to protect ourselves from
excessive negative feelings. As I may become overwhelmed by my own euthanasiaassociated grief, a part of me tries to avoid the aversive situation (the trigger) by, for
example, rushing the client through the euthanasia process and withdraw from further
interactions with my client.
Other strategies in our work may include changing the subject, talking about the trauma
and others.
The fMRI data show that an exile being triggered leads to increased activation in brain
areas involved in the processing of threat or pain, such as the amygdala. Chronic pain,
whether mental or physical, depletes dopamine levels within brain circuits mediating
reward and motivation. When locked into empathic distress, or blended with an exile, we
have a blunted capacity to experience pleasure along with decreased motivation for
natural rewards. Chronic depletion of dopamine from repeated episodes of empathic
distress is what leads to burnout, characterized in health care professionals as emotional
exhaustion, withdrawal, depersonalization, and a decreased sense of personal
accomplishment due to work-related stress.
Compassion
In contrast to empathy, compassion is characterized by feelings of warmth, concern, and
care for the other, as well as a strong motivation to improve the other’s wellbeing.
Compassion goes beyond feeling with the other to feeling for the other. Unlike empathy,
compassion increases activity in the areas of the brain involved in dopaminergic reward
and oxytocin-related affiliative processes, and enhances positive emotions in response to
adverse situations. While empathizing with my client making a euthanasia decision
invokes my own feelings of sadness, moving to compassion for my client’s situation
results in positive emotional feelings that cause me to take action to help my client.
Instead of withdrawing and rushing through the procedure as my protective part would
urge, compassion enables me to slow down and be present with my client without
experiencing distress.
This is the critical property of compassion that differentiates it from empathy. Because
compassion generates positive emotions, it counteracts negative effects of empathy
elicited by experiencing others’ suffering. Unlike the dopamine depletion that occurs
from activation of the pain networks, the neural networks activated when people feel
compassion towards others activate brain areas linked to reward processing that are full
of receptors for oxytocin and vasopressin, the neuropeptides that are crucial in attachment
and bonding. Compassion does not fatigue — it is neurologically rejuvenating!
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Therapy as Service
Manager-led Therapy
Whether from a humanistic or spiritual perspective we may regard therapy as being of
service to others. Service can be motivated by mangers, or have more Self energy
informing it. When managerial it may be connected to an exile: “If I prove I am a
good/Spiritual person by helping all these people then it means I have worth”. If a
manager such as this takes the lead (in order to keep a “worthless” exile at bay), then
there will likely be consequences.
If the work is manager-led then the therapist may overcommit, leading to resentment. The
resentful part may be present in session, actively disliking clients, and requiring more
work to get it to soften back. Similarly, money-managers (connected to scarcity parts)
may overload the schedule. Some parts that feel they need to help the world not suffer as
they did (who may be connected to some notion of vicarious healing: “If I help all these
people it means I’m okay”) or a martyred rescuer part: “Helping these folks gives
meaning to my own suffering”. All of these managers point to exiles needing attention. If
they continue to lead the system they will generate internal disharmony, possibly
resentment and burnout.
Self-led Therapy
This is more likely to occur when the therapist moves from a place of, and seeks,
harmony. The way Self heals internally is that when it encounters a part that is in distress
(i.e. not its natural state) Self naturally want to know “how come…” what happened that
this part is holding some burden? (This is the Self-led curiousity that facilitates the work).
When the part has shared its story, which invariably means talking about hard stuff, Self
acknowledges how hard it has been to hold all of that (compassion) and we can facilitate
a process whereby the part no longer needs to hold the distress and can take in what it
needs to return to its natural state (wherein it has its own Self energy). Commonly
something like “unworthy” get heard and released and “confidence” may be taken in.
The part then experiences itself as whole again, the protectors connected to it can relax
and may seek to modify their roles, and there is more of a sense of harmony in the
system. Getting to know your therapist parts’ agendas and/or beliefs they hold about the
work (some of which they may have taken on from former training) will lead you to
healing any of your own exiles connected to the work, and allow you to present more as a
Self-led parts detector.
When the system has a lot of Self-leadership available Self is also available for the
external world. Injustice (which creates disharmony) catches the attention of Self and our
internal resources may be mobilised to take action. The injustice may be in the form of
the 47 year old client whose life choices have been made in the light of a 6 year old
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deeply shamed part that s/he carries inside; or something like systemic racism or other
injustices inherent within our sociopolitical landscape.
Self, as a form of Compassion-in-Action, can act to balance internal and external
demands. If you like, Self may be thought of as the Axis of compassion – attending
internally and external to facilitate balance. When our internal system requires attending
to, Self is available to bring it back into harmony. When the external systems require
attention (a client in distress/combatting injustice) Self is available.
One of the common impediments to attending to our parts are managers that have been
told we are “selfish”. Selfishness is usually a shaming term levied at us in our childhoods
when our wants/needs/desires run counter to the wants/needs/desires of an authority
figure. Shaming energy is intense and, when being directed at us by a trusted adult, often
internalized as a burden. Managers seek to avoid the recurrence of this so will determine
that we are “selfish” if we are not putting others first. This often calls into play peoplepleasers engaging with others, and minimisers telling us our needs are not that important.
This unbalanced state often leads to backlash from resentful firefighters, which managers
then seek to repair… and the dynamics of tension continue.
Letting the shaming manager know that you appreciate its intent, and that you are
available (in fact it may be considered as your job in a Self-led system) to hear the parts
and attend to their needs, may help it to relax. All of your parts have value – even if they
do not value each other. Listening in and letting them know that you value them goes a
long way to experiencing the inner peace (the C of Calm) that is available. The more
harmony that exists within your own system as you take care of your parts, the more Self
energy becomes available for clients as you help their Self energy to be available to
balance their own system.
To sum up:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Self seeks Connection
The Connection it seeks is with Self (contented parts hold a lot of Self energy)
Discontented part have taken on burdens as a result of external circumstances
Self seeks to learn about the distress and, in its compassionate witnessing,
facilitate the release of the burden
The part then returns to its natural state
Self may be considered a bi-directional axis of compassion: facilitating harmony
and healing in the internal and external worlds and oscillating between the two
Service both flows from and seeks to facilitate harmony and balance
Both the internal and the external worlds may be the focus for Self’s compassionin-action
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The 5 Ps of the IFS therapist
•
Presence
•
Patience
•
Persistence
•
Playfulness
•
Perspective
The Laws of Inner Physics - Dick Schwartz:
Law 1: You will relate to your children when they resemble one of your parts, in the way
you relate to your own parts
If you hate your own vulnerability, when they are vulnerable, you will shame them. Or the same
thing will happen with your rage. The same thing happens with our peers. If they disdain their
vulnerability, they will disdain yours.
Law 2: Willpower will backfire. It doesn’t work in the inner world
Willpower is a manager’s strategy and attempt to override the wants, needs and desires of other
parts.
Law 3: Unblending happens
All we need is the intention of the part to unblend, and it can happen.
Law 4: Nothing in the internal world has any power over you if you are not afraid of
it
If there is fear of, for example childhood sexual abuse, or fear of a part who wants to die;
this fear is coming from a part. We need to take care of that part, address its concern, and
invite it to a place of safety internally; reassuring it that Self is available and nothing can
overwhelm compassion.
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Embrace Your Self-Destructive Impulses? How People Can Connect
with Dark Parts of Their Psyche for Personal Change - Dick Schwartz
As therapists increasingly incorporate mindfulness into their work, they’re discovering
what Buddhists have known for centuries: everyone (even those with severe inner
turmoil) can access a state of spacious well-being by beginning to notice their more
turbulent thoughts and feelings, rather than becoming swallowed up by them. As people
relate to their disturbing inner experiences from this calm, mindful place, not only are
they less overwhelmed, but they can become more accepting of the aspects of themselves
with which they’ve been struggling.
Still the question remains of how best to incorporate mindfulness into psychotherapy. A
perennial quandary in psychotherapy, as well as spirituality, is whether the goal is to help
people come to accept the inevitable pain of the human condition with more equanimity
or to actually transform and heal the pain, shame, or terror, so that it’s no longer a
problem. Are we seeking acceptance or transformation, passive observation or engaged
action, a stronger connection to the here-and-now or an understanding of the past? Many
therapeutic attempts to integrate mindfulness have adopted what I’ll call the
passiveobserver form of mindfulness—a client is helped to notice thoughts and emotions
from a place of separation and extend acceptance toward them. The emphasis isn’t on
trying to change or replace irrational cognitions, but on noticing them and then acting in
ways that the observing self considers more adaptive or functional.
As an illustration, let’s consider how more traditional therapeutic approaches contrast
with more mindfulness-based methods in helping a client dealing with the mundane
challenge of feeling nervous about going to a party. A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy
(CBT) intervention might begin by identifying the self-statements that are generating
anxiety—a part of the person that says, in effect, “Don’t go because no one likes you and
you’ll be rejected.” The client might then be instructed to dispute these thoughts by
saying, “It’s not true that no one likes me” and naming some people who do. A clinician
trained in a mindfulnessbased approach like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
(ACT) might have the client notice the extreme thoughts about rejection without trying to
change them, and then go to the party anyway, despite the continued presence of the
irrational beliefs. As this example shows, mindfulness allows you to no longer be fused
or blended with the irrational beliefs, releasing your observing self, who has the
perspective and courage to act in positive ways. This shift from struggling to correct or
override cognitive distortions to noticing and accepting them is revolutionary in a field
that’s been so dominated by CBT.
There’s a large body of research on ACT, from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Mindfulness Based
Stress Reduction, and from the ground-breaking work of Marcia Linehan’s Dialectical
Behavior Therapy (DBT) with borderline personality disorder, suggesting that the shift is
a powerful one.
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Clearly, learning to mindfully witness experiences helps clients a great deal, even those
with diagnoses previously considered intractable. A vivid cinematic example of this
witnessing process can be found in the Academy Award– winning film A Beautiful
Mind, in which we’re given a sense of what it’s like to be awash in an irrational thought
system. In the beginning of the movie, the disturbed math genius John Nash (played by
Russell Crowe) is so identified with the paranoid part of him (a black-suited FBI agent
played by Ed Harris) that we, the viewers, are drawn into his scary world with him.
Gradually Nash is able to separate from his paranoia—to observe his inner FBI agent
with some distance and objectivity, rather than believing his conspiratorial rantings. With
this mindful separation comes greater peace of mind and ability to function in his life.
But while diminished in their intensity and their power to control his behavior, at the end
of the film we see that Nash’s voices continue to reside in him. He’s simply learned to
live with his extreme beliefs and emotions without being enslaved by them. But what if it
were possible to transform this inner drama, rather than just keep it at arm’s length by
taking mindfulness one step further?
The Second Step
As a therapist, I’ve worked with clients who’ve come to me after having seen therapists
who’d helped them to be more mindful of their impulses to cut themselves, binge on food
or drugs, or commit suicide. While those impulses remained in their lives, these clients
were no longer losing their battles with them, nor were they ashamed or afraid of them
any longer. The clients’ functioning had improved remarkably. The goal of the
therapeutic approach that I use, Internal Family Systems (IFS), was to build on this
important first step of separating from and accepting these impulses, and then take a
second step of helping clients transform them. For example, Molly had been in and out of
hospital treatment centers until, through her DBT treatment, she was able to separate
from and be accepting of the part of her that had repeatedly directed her to try to kill
herself. As a result of that successful treatment, she’d stayed out of the hospital for more
than two years, was holding down a job, and was connected to people in her support
group.
From my clinical viewpoint, she was now ready for the next step in her therapeutic
growth. My goal was to help her get to know her suicidality—not just as an impulse to be
accepted, but as a “part” of her that was trying to help her in some way. In an early
session, after determining she was ready to take this step, I asked her to focus on that
suicidal impulse and how she felt toward it. She said she no longer feared it and had
come to feel sorry for it, because she sensed that it was scared. Like many clients, she
also began to spontaneously see an inner image, in her case a tattered, homeless woman
who rejected her compassion. I invited her to ask this woman what she was afraid would
happen if Molly continued to live. The woman replied that Molly would continue to
suffer excruciating emotional pain. With some help in that session, Molly was able to
embrace the woman, show her appreciation for trying to protect her from extreme
suffering, and learn about the hurting part of her that the woman protected her from.
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In subsequent sessions, Molly, in her mind’s eye, entered the original abuse scene, took
the little girl she saw there out of it to a safe place, and released the terror and shame
she’d carried throughout her life. Once the old woman could see that the girl was safe,
she began to support Molly’s steps into a fuller life and stopped encouraging her to try to
escape the prospect of lifelong suffering through suicide. In this way, the “enemy”
became an ally. The Paradox of Acceptance Years ago, Carl Rogers observed, “The
curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” In other
words, carefully observing and accepting our emotions and beliefs, rather than fighting or
fearing them, is a precursor for using that same mindful state to help them transform.
Once people come to compassionately engage with troubling elements of their psyches,
they’re often able to release difficult emotions and outmoded beliefs they’ve carried for
years. For me, this process of compassionately engaging with the elements of our psyches
is a natural second step of mindfulness. If you feel compassion for something, why just
observe it? Why not engage with it and try to help it?
Actually, some prominent Buddhist leaders advocate taking this next step. Thich Nhat
Hahn, Pema Chodron, Tara Brach, and Jack Kornfield all encourage their students not
just to witness their emotions, but to actively embrace them. Consider this quote from
Thich Nhat Hahn about handling emotions: “You calm your feeling just by being with it,
like a mother tenderly holding her crying baby. Feeling the mother’s tenderness, the baby
will calm down and stop crying.”
So it’s possible to first separate from an upset emotion, but then return to it and form a
loving inner relationship it, as one might with a child. The Buddhist teacher Tsultrim
Allione revived an ancient Tibetan tradition called Chod, which has practitioners feeding
rather than fighting with their inner “demons.” She finds that once fed with curiosity and
compassion, these inner enemies reveal what they really need, feel accepted and heard,
and become allies. It’s possible to go beyond simply witnessing our inner world to
actually entering it in this mindful state and interacting with the parts of our psyches with
the same kind of loving attunement that creates secure attachments between parents and
children, or between therapists and clients.
More than a Monkey Mind
This is harder to do if therapists consider clients’ inner worlds to be populated by an
annoying ego or agitated monkey mind. In some Buddhist traditions, the myriad thoughts
and feelings, pleasures and pains we have are considered to be the product of an ego,
which is conditioned by the materialistic culture to become attached to transitory things
and keep you from your higher spiritual path. If that’s your starting assumption, you may
notice feelings of happiness and sorrow with acceptance, but you aren’t likely to want to
spend much time getting to know them. You’ll fear that the more time you entertain such
thoughts and feelings, the more attached you’ll become to the material world.
If, on the other hand, you consider your thoughts, emotions, urges, and impulses to be
coming from an inner landscape that’s best understood as a kind of internal family,
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populated by subpersonalities, many of whom are childlike and are suffering, then it
makes more sense to take that next step of comforting and holding these inner selves—as
Thich Nhat Hahn advises—rather than just observing and objectifying them. All clients
need to do to begin exploring this apparently chaotic and mysterious inner world is to
focus inside with genuine curiosity and start asking questions, as Molly did, and these
inner family members will begin to emerge.
As the process continues, clients will be able to form I-thou relationships with their parts,
rather than the more detached, I-it relationships that most psychotherapies and many
spiritualities foster. Once a client, in a mindful state, enters such an inner dialogue, she’ll
typically learn from her parts that they’re suffering and/or are trying to protect her. As
she does this, she’s shifting from the passive-observer state to an increasingly engaged
and relational form of mindfulness that naturally exists within: what I call her “Self.”
Having helped clients access this engaged, mindful Self for more than 30 years now, I’ve
consistently observed that it’s a state that isn’t just accepting of their parts, but also has
an innate wisdom about how to relate to them in an attuned, loving way. I’ve observed
over and over clients’ enormous inborn capacity for self-healing, a capacity that most of
us aren’t even aware of. We normally think of the attachment process as happening
between caretakers and young children, but the more you explore how the inner world
functions, the more you find that it parallels external relationships, and that we have an
inner capacity to extend mindful caretaking to aspects of ourselves that are frozen in time
and excluded from our normal consciousness. This Self state has the ability to open a
pathway to the parts of us that we locked away because they were hurt when we were
younger and we didn’t want to feel that pain again.
As clients approach these inner parts—what I call “exiles”—they often experience them
as inner children who fit one of the three categories of troubled attachment: insecure,
avoidant, or disorganized. Typically, once one of these inner exiles reveals itself to the
client, their Self automatically knows how to relate to that part in such a way that it’ll
begin to trust the Self. These inner children respond to the love they sense from the Self
in the same way that abandoned or abused children do as they sense the safety and caring
of an attuned caretaker. As parts become securely attached to Self, they let go of their
terror, pain, or feelings of worthlessness and become transformed—a healing process that
opens up access to a bounty of resources that had been locked away. When that happens,
there’s a growing trust in the Self’s wisdom, and people increasingly manifest what I call
the eight Cs of Self-leadership: curiosity, compassion, calm, courage, clarity, confidence,
creativity, and connectedness. In other words, they return to a natural state of
groundedness and embodiment.
Attachment Theory assumes that healing occurs only when one person becomes a healthy
attachment figure for another—a therapist for a client, one spouse for another, or a parent
for a child—exhibiting the kind of engaged, active mindfulness we’ve been discussing.
However, Selfleadership opens the possibility of a different kind of attachment-based
healing within a person, which can lead to a deep sense of personal empowerment. The
observer type of mindfulness meditation can reinforce the effects of this inner
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attachment, so that therapy and meditation complement and feed each other. I’ve
encouraged many of my clients to practice the observer type of meditation between
sessions, and have found that their progress is hugely accelerated. The meditations help
people practice separating from and accepting their parts, while accessing and trusting the
mindfulness state, which increases clients’ ability for self-healing. The healing done in
therapy, in turn, allows for deeper and less interrupted meditations.
As clients become increasingly able to notice, rather than blend with, the wounded parts
of themselves that are triggered as they go through their daily lives, they become clearer
about what needs attention in therapy sessions.
The Therapist’s Role
With all this talk of self-healing, I don’t want to downplay the importance of the client’s
relationship with the therapist. What does shift is the focus on the therapist from being
the primary attachment figure to serving as an accepting container of awareness who
opens space for the client’s own Self to emerge. To do this, therapists must embody their
own fullest Self, acting as a tuning fork to awaken the client’s Self to its own resonance.
To achieve this kind of embodiment, therapists must learn to be mindful of their own
parts as they work with clients, recognizing that transference and countertransference are,
at some level, a continuing behind-the-scenes dance as therapists and clients inevitably
trigger each other.
The inescapable reality of therapy is that, if we do our jobs well, clients will do all kinds
of provocative things that repeatedly test us. They’ll resist, get angry and critical, become
hugely dependent, talk incessantly, behave dangerously between sessions, show intense
vulnerability, idealize us, attack themselves, and display astounding narcissism and selfcenteredness. Some of this is because they have parts forged by relationships with hurtful
caretakers that are stuck in the past and, as they sense our open-heartedness, all that gets
ignited.
The Self-led therapist is basically issuing the client an invitation: “All parts are
welcome!” From the darkest corners of their psyches, aspects of clients that others never
see emerge in all their crazy glory, and that’s a good thing. When we aren’t overwhelmed
by our own parts and can remain Self-led, clients can get to know what’s going on inside
them, and healing emerges. But therapists aren’t Buddhas and regularly get triggered by
the intensity of their interplay with their clients, whether they wish to acknowledge it or
not.
Fortunately, as you become increasingly familiar with the physical experience of
embodying this mindful Self, you’ll be better able to notice the shift in your body when a
troubled part hijacks you (you have a “part attack”). With that awareness—and lots of
experience doing this kind of clinical work—comes the ability to calm the part in the
moment and ask it to separate and let your fuller Self return. If I had a microphone in my
head when I was treating certain challenging clients, you’d hear me saying repeatedly to
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myself things like: “I know you’re upset, but just let me stay and handle this. Remember
it always goes better if you let me keep my mind open. Just relax and trust me, and I’ll
talk to you after the session.” On my good days, those words produce an immediate shift
in my level of Self-embodiment—my heart opens, my shoulder muscles release, or the
crowd of negative thoughts in my head disperses. My client suddenly looks different—
less menacing or hopeless, and more vulnerable.
Between sessions, I’ll follow up by bringing the parts that my client aroused to their own
therapy, to give them the attention they need. In this way, our clients become our “tormentors” —by tormenting us, they mentor us, making us aware of what needs our loving
attention. Working in this way can be an intense and challenging task, which regularly
requires me to step out of my emotional comfort zone and experience “parts” in myself
and my clients that I might otherwise wish to avoid. At the same time, on my best days, I
feel blessed to be able to accompany clients on inner journeys into both the terror and
wonder of what it means to be fully human. At those moments, I can’t imagine a more
mindful way to practice the therapist’s craft.
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Beyond the Basics
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Healing at a cellular level: IFS & Neuroscience
Written by: Elyse Heagle, MSW, RSW
The following section will present an overview of the intersection and integration
of IFS theory and protocol with neuroscience. It should be noted that the correlations and
connections presented here are brought forth to suggest strong links between neurological
processes and the IFS framework. Some of these links have not yet been proven, and
more research is needed in this area.
There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of That,
Don’t look outside, look inside yourself and seek That.
- Rumi
The building blocks
Let’s begin by welcoming all the parts that have brought you to the neuroscience
section of the manual; the ones that are here by sheer excitement, the ones that get dizzy
at even the utterance of the word ‘neurobiology’, and the ones who may want to distract
away at certain points. This portion has been written with all of you in mind, and in the
spirit of allowing all systems to build a shared understanding of the intimate crossroads
our Self and parts have with our biology.
Let us walk down this road together, pausing when needed to attend to our parts,
and towards an understanding that allows us to appreciate the integration of our body’s
innermost processes with the theory of IFS.
Now, we can start with the building blocks, otherwise known as our neurons (or nerve
cells).
Science Photo Library - KTSDESIGN/Getty Images
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Neurons are the primary functional unit of the nervous system and are housed not
only in the brain, but also within the body (Anderson, n.d.). They form a necessary
highway that sends information through us, similar to how telephone wires transmit data
to and from one another. Neurons are joined at synapses (the small gaps in between),
which fire when they are stimulated by experience, and essentially grant us the capacity
to absorb and respond to the world around us.
The ability of our nervous system to respond to external and internal stimuli by
reorganizing its structure and connections is called ‘neuroplasticity’, and the capacity of
our brain to grow new nerve cells in response to this is termed ‘neurogenesis’ (Huebner,
Anderson, & Schwartz,). Nerve cells connect together to form networks, which perform
specific functions that give rise to thoughts, behaviors, and emotions (Huebner et al.,
2013). In IFS we understand that these are functions of our parts, therefore we consider
that symptoms represent neural networks, which represent our parts (Anderson, n.d.).
As we move through life, various branches of our neural circuitry become
activated depending on what we experience. Our sympathetic nervous system acts as an
accelerator, kicking us into fight/flight/freeze states, or ‘hyperarousal’. While our
parasympathetic system helps us to apply the brakes, allowing us to ‘rest and digest’.
Steven Porges Polyvagal Theory posits that we have two branches within the
parasympathetic system: a dorsal branch that becomes activated around threat or danger,
carrying us into an extreme form of ‘shut down’ or hypoarousal, and a ventral branch or
‘smart vagus’ which is initiated when we feel safe and connected. The neural structure
and connections within each of these systems are often deeply rooted in our early,
formative experiences are organized/reorganized as we grow and experience the world.
While systems can be understood as structural, Dan Siegal (Psychotherapy
Networker, 2012) also presents a definition of the mind as an embodied, relational
process that regulates the flow of energy and information, and the brain as the structure
facilitating this function. Through this definition, parts use both the mind and the brain to
utilize or access specific neural networks to express themselves (Anderson, n.d.). In our
client’s systems we are often working with parts that have experienced some degree of
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trauma, which has been transmitted through an internal circuit called the vertical network
or the “bottom-up, top-down network” (Anderson, n.d.). In this network, information
enters through the body, heading towards the limbic system containing the amygdala (the
emotional integration center, where information is given significance), then to the
prefrontal cortex (where information is processed), and back down again.
Trauma inhibits this process when it floods the amygdala with sensory and
emotional information about the difficult experience. This flooding can dampen the
response of the prefrontal cortex, causing it to struggle to bring in reason and memory
(Anderson, n.d.). This leaves the trauma survivor with high emotionality and high
physicality, subsequently resulting in little ability to regulate (Anderson, n.d.). On a
neurological level, this is one understanding of how trauma can become ‘stuck’ in the
body and mind. As such, our parts too can become ‘stuck’ in the trauma experience, or
the now-unintegrated network that has formed. Specifically, we may consider that
protective parts and exiles live in the mind and use these networks to express themselves
on a synaptic level (Anderson, Video).
The dysregulation occurring on a neural level often mirrors what we sit with when
clients become activated (Anderson, n.d.). For example, trauma reenactments (subtle or
overt) reinforce the unintegrated neural network, thereby activating the parts stuck in the
experience of the trauma. In other words, when a traumatized part blends with the client
in such a way that the body and mind begins to re-experience the event(s), the trauma
network becomes reinforced. This highlights the gift that IFS therapy can bring to trauma
processing, as it places an emphasis on differentiating self from parts, thereby helping the
trauma survivor be with the experience, instead of in it (Anderson, n.d.). When we help
the client to unblend from a part and access Self energy, we are therefore promoting the
healing/integration of the traumatized neural network.
In IFS we hold goals of differentiating Self from parts, unburdening exiled or
extreme parts to their natural form, and creating harmony within the system (IFS
Institute, 2020). From a scientific lens, we can draw parallels between these goals and the
concept of neural integration, or when our neural circuits are working together smoothly
(Anderson, n.d.).
We can theorize that Self expresses itself through accessing a critical mass of
fully integrated neural networks (Huebner et al., 2013). At the same time, Self is not
located in any one specific part of the brain or body (Anderson, n.d.). Self is a state of
being that like parts, lives in the mind and is maximally integrated both internally and
externally (Anderson, n.d.). It is no surprise that qualities of Self (compassion, curiosity,
courage, etc.) are frequently reported during states of neural integration (Huebner et al.,
2013). As such, the IFS therapist and use of therapist Self to guide the client system can
be seen as helping to restructure (focus, find, befriend, witness) and reintegrate (retrieve,
unburden) existing neural networks.
You are in your body like a plant is solid in the ground,
Yet you are wind. - Rumi
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The IFS process through a neuroscience lens
In IFS we go inside, and by doing so embark down a uniquely effective and
holistic gateway. Down the path of Insight we meet our parts, intimately witness their
experience, and effortlessly access Self energy. In typical talk therapy, we focus outside
of ourselves, which is called exteroceptive awareness (Anderson, n.d.). In doing so, we
primarily engage the prefrontal cortex, making it difficult to access the dysregulated
neural networks that reside in body awareness (Anderson, n.d.). Interoceptive awareness,
or insight, activates many different regions of the brain; specifically, with focusing
inward the insula in the cerebral cortex is stimulated, which integrates body awareness
(Anderson, n.d.). Evidently, we become much more connected to the emotional, physical,
and spiritual sensations of our inner world, allowing a deep, Self-led knowing to occur.
Accessing Self and parts creates space for transformative healing to occur in the
system, the nature of which may be understood as mirroring the process of memory
reconsolidation, a well-documented neurobiological process. Bruce Ecker (2015) defines
this as, “…the brain’s innate process for fundamentally revising an existing learning and
the acquired behavioural responses and/or state of mind maintained by that learning”. In
other words, existing synaptic coding (target memory/part) is replaced by the new
synaptic coding (updated information, transmission of information from part to Self in
the system). When the memory/neural network (part) has been reconsolidated
(unburdened), associated strategies (protectors) developed around it may no longer be
needed in the same way (Huebner et al., 2013).
Many clients who come to therapy are impacted significantly by implicit
emotional learning, in other words, parts who have taken on beliefs or burdens about the
world, themselves, and/or others within unconscious awareness (Ecker, 2015). Early
experiences of vulnerability, suffering, and strong emotion may form in this way without
awareness of learning anything at all (Ecker, 2015). Our parts absorb meaning from these
experiences as absolute truths, enhancing the strength and durability of the burden(s) in
our systems (Ecker, 2015). Exiles most commonly exist and express themselves within
implicit neural networks/memories, which live in the right hemisphere of the brain, where
there is a lack of time-sequence (Anderson, n.d.).
Trauma treatment ultimately aims to make implicit memory explicit, promoting
neural integration, and a reconsolidation of the traumatic material (Anderson, n.d.). The
therapeutic process in IFS can be understood as facilitating reconsolidation through Selfto-part connection and healing. In the following section, neuroscience theory and the
phases of memory reconsolidation will be explored in comparison to the process of IFS
therapy.
Find & focus
To open an IFS session, we ask the client to go find the part in or around their
body, noticing sensation, thought, energy, or anything else. The invitation to become
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aware in this way activates the bottom-up portion of the vertical network, allowing
sensory and instinctual experiences to enter conscious awareness (Huebner et al., 2013).
This allows the client to access dysregulated neural networks, or target part(s), through
attunement to their inner experience (Huebner et al., 2013). Once the client has found a
target part, we invite them to focus, activating the top-down portion of the vertical
network; here, the prefrontal cortex feeds back into the body, activating concentration,
mindful focus, and attention (Huebner et al., 2013). This is similar to the ‘accessing’
phase in memory reconsolidation, where symptoms are identified and retrieved from
implicit to explicit awareness (Ecker, 2015).
Feel toward
Once the target part is in focus, we elicit how a client feels toward the part,
revealing how much Self energy is present. If we suspect that a part is blended with the
client, we may consider scientifically that another neural network is operating (Huebner
et al., 2013). We invite the part to ‘soften back’ in this moment, allowing clients to
refocus. If the part does not agree to ‘soften back’ we work with it to address its
concerns. A part refusing to step back may indicate that inhibition or fear response from
the top-down network is resulting in an over activation of the threat detection system in
the body (Huebner et al., 2013). Holding the client system in Self energy and addressing
this activation with compassion reinstates cortical inhibition, the neurological process
which is necessary when protectors agree to allow access to the exile (Anderson, n.d.).
When sympathetically fear-driven networks are calmed in the presence of Self, the
dysregulated neural network can be accessed and transformed.
Befriend & witness
Once we have permission to access the target part (protector/exile), the
client’s Self befriends the part and begins to learn about its role and origins in the system.
The befriending process is akin to a window into the implicit neural network that is
driving the part to do what it does; during this process Self may learn of body sensation,
sensory experience, or emotional information that is contained in the neural network
being expressed by the part (Huebner et al., 2013). This is a continuation of making the
implicit memory explicit, and remains a parallel process to the accessing phase of
memory reconsolidation. As the Self-to-part connection persists, specific memories
encoded in the neural network are brought into conscious awareness, allowing for a
‘narrative process’ to occur (Huebner et al., 2013). This conscious recollection of past
experience promotes maximal neural integration; in other words, as the Self witnesses the
entirety of the parts story, synaptic changes begin to occur (Huebner et al., 2013).
Retrieve & unburden
Ecker’s memory reconsolidation model discusses reactivation, mismatch, and
erasure phases, similar to what occurs during the unburdening process in IFS. Once the
target part feels like Self fully ‘gets it’ and that it is not alone, this allows the neural
networks to be re-worked and rewired (Anderson, n.d.). Ecker’s model states that
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synapses are destabilized and susceptible to change when we reactivate the memory
without reliving it; in IFS we see this as being ‘with’ a part, rather than ‘blended’
(Anderson, n.d.). Moments of mismatch in reconsolidation manifest as, “…an experience
of something distinctly discrepant with what the target memory “knows”…a surprising
new learning or contradiction of information” (Ecker, 2015). In IFS, these moments may
be demonstrated in the corrective experience that the exile receives with Self (Huebner et
al., 2013).
Erasure occurs when the memory has been revised with the new learning, and
“the client experiences a profound release from the grip of a distressing acquired
response” (Ecker, 2015). In other words, the neural network has demonstrated
neuroplasticity to the extent that synapses have been unlocked at the existing emotional
memory, not changing the autobiographical content of story but rather the emotional
charge associated (Anderson, n.d.). In the unburdening process and once the story has
been fully witnessed from Self, the exile is invited to release the burden it holds and take
in the new qualities. Within the safe and loving presence of Self, we suggest that a similar
neurobiological process occurs to that of erasure, intrinsically healing at the synaptic
level and changing the neural network at its core (Anderson, n.d.).
The new configuration
A breath of love can take you all the way to infinity.
- Rumi
Once the system has released the burden, a natural progression occurs where the
system reconfigures around the now-transformed exile; the neural network has
transformed in such a way that previously acquired beliefs or behaviours may be
extinguished in favor of the new information that has been consolidated (Ecker, 2015).
This new configuration is different from counter active change, often employed in
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, whereby a new neural network overrides the existing
one, requiring maintenance in order to be sustained (Anderson, n.d.). Rather, the neural
change that occurs in unburdening a part occurs at such a level that most often (with
some exceptions) the change is permanent (Anderson, n.d.).
The IFS therapist may ask the client to check-in with the part every day until the
next session, which supports the neural integration, reinforcing the change that has
occurred (Huebner et al., 2013). Once reconsolidation has occurred and neural networks
have shifted, the part is not there in the same way, and the system experiences freedom to
exist differently in the world. Although more research is needed in this area, it can be
considered that IFS therapy heals us from the inside out at a cellular level, allowing us to
be more ourselves in the world and free from the burdens deep within.
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References
Anderson, F. (n.d.). Trauma, Neuroscience, & IFS with Frank Anderson MD: Module 1.
Retrieved from IFS Institute Continuity Program. URL unavailable.
Ecker, B. (2015). Understanding memory reconsolidation. The Neuropsychotherapist.
Retrieved from
https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Bruce_Ecker/publication/281571640_UNDERSTANDING_MEMOR
Y_RECONSOLIDATION/links/569de33408ae00e5c98f0dcf.pdf
Huebner, A., Anderson, F.G. & Schwartz, R. (2013). Neuroscience Informed Internal
Family Systems Therapy. Unpublished manuscript.
IFS Institute. (2020). The Internal Family Systems Model Outline. Retrieved from
https://ifs-institute.com/resources/articles/internal-family-systems-model-outline
Psychotherapy Networker. (2012). What’s the difference between the brain and mind?
Dan Siegal explains. Youtube. Retrieved from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOV8sedmcYU&feature=emb_title
Schwartz, R. & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems: Second edition. The
Guilford Press.
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Polarisations
Parts develop a complex system of interactions among themselves, polarizations and alliances, as
parts try to gain influence within the system. Subtle managers are easily blended with the Self;
important that the therapist is able to track client’s level and self-compassion and continual work
to unblend. This requires very close tracking of client’s body positioning, facial and vocal
expressions and content/reported experience.
Firefighter-Manager polarizations can be difficult to differentiate. Helping clients to unblend
from judgmental, critical or fearful protectors to accepting both “sides” creates more clarity and
empowerment.
When the therapeutic process seems “stuck” it is helpful to explore polarizations in the internal
or external system. The polarization may first emerge as interference with the client being in Self
as you work with a particular manager or firefighter.
Our systems naturally seek to maintain balance. When one part is forced to adopt an extreme
role, others attempt to balance it out by becoming more extreme in the other direction.
Self of the client (and therapist if needed) can negotiate and mediate between the two extremes
and reassure them that talking with one side won’t allow more power there; each can’t become
less extreme until the other does. Often exiles that are fueling the protectors and their
polarization will continue to create confusion or intensity until they are named and
acknowledged (often more “circular” nature of this work).
From Self, can ask each part what parts they may be protecting, who else protects them and
how, which part or parts they dislike or fear, as well as what it is they are trying to accomplish
for the client. Allowing each part space to be seen and heard by both the client’s Self and the
part it is polarized with builds trust and compassion for the struggles of both parts.
As each part experiences being understood by Self (and possibly the other part), they may
become more willing to communicate with each other, appreciate each other’s differences even
as they see they are on the same side, or basically are working toward something similar for the
client.
Often polarizations will shift when each part feels fully heard, understood and can have some
appreciation for the efforts of the other part.
The extreme states or roles of protector parts don’t really contain the suffering, but it is their
polarity with one another that brings this forth;
work with the protective system of parts is extremely relational and is all about building trust.
Our role as therapist is to facilitate the relationship between the Self of the client and their
system of parts as the fulcrum of transformation exists in that relationship. It is vital to fully
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understand, acknowledge and build trust with the client’s protective parts so that they feel safe in
allowing healing work to occur with the vulnerable exiled parts.
Often when the client feels particularly stuck there is some sort of polarization going on, and
most commonly these are between a Manager and a Firefighter, and very often they are
protecting around the same issue. When we ask about parts who seem to be very different, for
example, a “free spirit” part and a “responsible, self critical” part, it become obvious fairly
quickly that we are dealing with a Manager/ Firefighter polarisation. The two parts will feel very
differently about an issue, and the client will often feel stuck in their ability to move forward
with a particular issue. Often the two parts will be very clear that they do not like one another.
As always, both of the parts will have a preferred, less extreme role in the system which will
become clear once we are able to help them and the exiles that they are protecting. Each of the
parts would prefer to be in the less extreme role but usually feels unable to move into it until the
other one is less extreme. It can feel like a catch 22, with both parts convinced that the other part
is the extreme one, and they are just reacting to it.
In order to work with the polarisation we have to elicit enough Self energy from the client so that
(s)he is able to hold the space for the good in each part, and to be able to see that both parts want
something valuable for the system. It often looks, on first glance, as if the Manager wants
something good and the Firefighter is ‘sabotaging’ in some way, but when you spend the time to
get to know the valuable role of each part, this changes.
Often the Manager is very critical of the Firefighter, and shows up looking like a judgmental
adult, and the Firefighter may be reacting in such a way that it looks like a teenager on first
meeting. Both parts will have to be brought in somewhat from their extreme roles for the client
to be able to work with them.
Typically the two parts will have been in conflict with one another for a long time, and will be
afraid that if they let the client listen to the other part then something bad will happen. The
therapist has to help the client to be able to reassure whichever part is going to be asked to wait,
at first, to tell its story, that the client’s Self will come back to hear the other part’s story and give
them as much time as they gave to the first part. One thing that will often allow one part to wait
while the other tells its story is to let both parts know that as we hear from them each, they may
be able to come in from the extreme position that they feel so stuck in.
The goal of working with polarized parts is to bring them out of extreme roles and create more
harmonious relationships within the system. Often it can be helpful to ask the client to hold out
their hands and put each part into a hand so that the client can more easily see both parts from the
observing Self. While the client speaks to one part, the other part is listening, and after both have
been heard they may be willing to have a conversation with one another.
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Legacy Burdens and Shame
Patriarchy gives women a distorted version of their bodies and value, and makes men exile their
sensitive parts. There are, of course, many other legacy burdens from the endemic patriarchal ideology
of our culture; including (but not limited to) burdens associated with gender, sexual orientation, race,
colour, religious practice, gender identity, ablism, age etc. Religious teachings that inject shame for
“sinful” thoughts and drives.
Also the pervasive beliefs associated with individualism: “You should be able to (control emotions,
etc.)” worshipping willpower, increases shame.
Other sources of shame
It is virtually impossible to emerge from childhood without at least SOME shame.
Shame about our existence, is called primal shame, which is a very powerful burden. For parts who
believe they are unacceptable, unlovable, worthless, we add. insult to injury. First, they were rejected by
others, then, we exile them in ourselves (managers), so they are rejected again.
One of the most common ways of dealing with this, is introjection, taking on the caretaker’s energy into
a manager to get you to behave. It feels the best way to survive is to mimic the parent to avoid being
shamed. Or, the part may believe that if you are already being shamed by your critic, when your parents
shame you, it won’t be so bad. Another strategy is to drop your confidence, never take risks, so you
don’t get attacked or shamed.
These are some of the positive intentions among our inner critics.
Shame is self-perpetuating. We get the message from the outside world, then echoed in our inner world
The more shame goes to the heart of our exiles, the more we need other parts, like firefighters, to protect
us, which leads to behaviours that cycles more shame. This primal shame is at the root of many clients’
troubles. Our unsuccessful attempts to manage this can lead to more shame, in ourselves, and in
relationships. Alternatively our strategy may be relentless activity, where we get constant evidence that
we are valuable, but again, that evidence never touches our exiles, and so those feelings emerge
whenever we pause.
Unburdening Shame – when it doesn’t take
Five reasons
1. Most commonly, we didn’t get the whole story witnessed, so it went back to show you the rest
2. The client didn’t follow up after the session, didn’t visit the exile enough and be sure it was ok,
so the child felt abandoned and went back
3. There is some part of that burden that other parts are using to stay safe. So, those other parts use
it to keep you safe.
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Example - If a child with sense of feeling worthless, unburdened, now feels valuable, but you didn’t
work with the parts that are terrified to have you show up in the world as valuable now, they get scared
and bring back the worthlessness. You may need to get permission from other protectors who are afraid
that now you will get hurt as you show up in the world.
4. Something scary happened recently, and the protectors attribute the scary thing to your
unburdening in therapy, so they bring it back.
5. When there is a “Self-like” manager part” trying to do this work. Then it fails, and gets
pessimistic
If the issue and feelings come back for a client, we ask “Ok, so let’s find out which of those 5 reasons
this happened for?”
Death Anxiety – another Core Exile
I order to thrive children need to know they are wanted (i.e. have value) and are safe. When love is
conditional the system will focus on producing behaviours most likely to meet the conditions.
When an environment is unsafe and/or characterised by attachment wounding, the system may present
with lifelong anxiety.
If there is a part holding death anxiety, i.e. fear of annihilation it may get the system’s attention with
ongoing “free-floating” anxiety.
As in shame, this may be a core exile and the pervasive survival fear may track back to very early in life,
including in utero and be held in implicit memory. Not all presentations of anxiety will track back to
core exiles; however it is helpful to bear their existence in mind, and helpful to have worked with your
own so that your own protectors do not inhibit the work.
Working with core exiles requires compassion; the depth of their distress needs to be witnessed (and
released) from that place and not simply from curiousity
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Legacy Burdens
Written by: Elyse Heagle, MSW, RSW
This section will begin to describe the nature and impact of legacy burdens on our inner
and outer systems. I use the word ‘begin’ because the discussion around legacy and how we
carry it in our bodies, mind, and spirit, is far-reaching and deeply personal. When we open space
to listen, our parts know their stories, and through the IFS process we work with them to
remember who we really are. May this overview peak your curiosity to look within and without,
and invite into action an exploration of what has been handed to us.
be easy.
take your time.
you are coming
home.
to yourself.
- the becoming wing, Nayyirah Waheed
When we speak of legacy burdens, we speak of something that is different from the
personal burdens that our parts take on from their direct experience. These are burdens that our
parts absorb from experiences that did not necessarily happen directly to us (IFS Institute, 2020).
With legacy, our parts take on the extreme beliefs, ideas, behaviours, and feelings of people
around us or of those who came before (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). When we work with legacy
burdens we are working with what has been passed down through families, cultures, and
ancestral lineage (Gardener, 2020). Much like the personal type, these transferred burdens
significantly organize and constrain our systems, especially because most often we receive them
in early development (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Although not specifically explored in this
section, we can also inherit legacy heirlooms or gifts from family/ancestors that do not constrain
parts or exist as burdens in the system.
Family Legacy
As children, we are dependent on our parents for safety and therefore keen to remain
accepted in the family system, so we learn to operate within it (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). We
take on beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world that float, often unnoticed, in the family
culture. For example, these may manifest as beliefs that ‘vulnerability is dangerous’ or ‘your
value must be earned’. Legacy burdens gain power in our system because they are difficult to
notice, we just assume ‘that’s the way it should be’ or ‘that’s just how the world is’. The burden
becomes akin to a virus, which injects itself into our parts and drives the way they operate, often
to extremes (IFS Institute, 2020). In kind, our protectors organize around the burden to help us
manage risk. The virus metaphor is particularly potent in IFS because we understand that
inherited burdens are neither the true essence of the part nor the ancestor; rather, the burden is
separate from the inherent nature of the part and its ability to transform (Schwartz & Sweezy,
2020).
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It should be noted that many experiences when we are little can be understood as ‘first
hand’ or personal, for example, a parent shaming a child and that child’s system taking on the
shame as fact may be a personal burden (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). However, we can also hold
curiosity around the nature of this transmission, opening space for Self to wonder if this legacy
of shame may have also visited the parents when they were children themselves (Schwartz &
Sweezy, 2020). There are many seemingly personal burdens that, when held in curiosity, open up
to tell us of their legacy. Schwartz & Sweezy (2020) speak of transmission of burdens within the
‘law of inner physics’, which states that we relate to parts of other people, much like we relate to
our own. For example, if growing up our parents learned that ‘children are meant to be seen and
not heard’, they may banish the parts of themselves that speak up, stemming from the fear of
being banished from their external family system. When parents exile the parts of them that are
loud, this may also lead their system to exile ‘loud’ parts in others, and especially their own
children. Our parts do this in service of maintaining safety in a world where the original burden
still has influence. Numerous feelings can be exiled in families, and in doing so can cause us to
lose contact with the parts who express them, and the natural value they add to our system in
providing direction (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
Cultural Legacy
Not only do we find legacy burdens shape the nature of exiling in family lineage, but we
can also uncover this in our country and cultural norms at large. Schwartz and Sweezy (2020)
specifically outline the nature of legacy burdens held in the cultural mileu of the United States,
but much of the same can apply to Canada as well. The legacy of burdens of racism, patriarchy,
individualism, and materialism seem to be major forces contributing to the exiling of various
people and groups, the authors state that this, “creates a greater capacity for contempt, rather than
compassion” (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
The history of our country is undoubtedly saturated in racism; consider the broad history
of race-based entitlement and subsequent genocides, deeming people seen as ‘other’ to be subhuman (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Today this entitlement rests in part within the realm of
white-body supremacy, with a country of people and parts that have adapted to living under the
influence of this belief system (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). In IFS, we open an invitation to
recognize our racist parts, and listen to them instead of exiling their existence.
Patriarchy and misogyny are another powerful legacy in our country, which includes
social, political, and economic mechanisms that evoke male dominance over women. Dominant
managerial groups control the narrative of ‘what is normal’ and thereby perpetuate shame and
social control, ultimately serving to uphold this ideal; homophobia and transphobia can also be
seen as linked to this deep-rooted legacy (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Interestingly enough,
when we interview the protective parts who support this narrative, they often share that their goal
is to prevent further shaming and ensure survival (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). In IFS we hold
Self-led curiosity around the necessity of this narrative in the system, and perhaps for
generations past, allowing the part to begin to separate from the influence of the burden and
connect to its true nature.
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Individualism and materialism have also exerted influence over our country, perpetuating
beliefs such as, ‘my failure is a personal fault’ and that ‘dominance is earned by those who work
hard, likewise unearned by those who exhibit laziness and greed’ (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). In
this cultural soup, we develop parts that express pride around dominance (economical, social,
etc.) and exile parts of others that exhibit laziness or greed (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
Epigenetics
The secondhand nature of legacy burdens can also be understood through the
neuroscience lens of epigenetics. This refers to a process where trauma (or legacy burden) is
transferred across generational lineage through the genes of the traumatized individual or group
(Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Research has shown that our genes have the ability to change on a
chemical level when environmental stressors are present, and this process is called methylation
(Anderson, n.d.). This occurs when Methlyn groups attach to genetic material, and provide a
molecular mechanism for gene-environment interactions, independent of a specific gene marker
(Yehuda & Lehrner, 2018). This process essentially impacts the transcription of the protein, and
can cause Post Traumatic Stress (PTS) reactions in offspring with no first-hand traumatic
experiences (Anderson, n.d.).
For example, offspring of Holocaust survivors displayed an increased prevalence of PTS
symptoms in response to their own exposure to difficult events, which highly associated with
maternal PTS (Yehuda & Lehrner, 2018). This brings to mind the impact of historical events
such as colonization, slavery, and displacement trauma in many cultures and communities
(Yehuda & Lehrner, 2018). The impact of past events cannot be understated, as chronic bias and
fear towards a class of people often have origins in legacy, as well as shared feeling states and
habits learned when in community with others (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). However, research
has shown that good and nurturing environments can reverse the methylation caused by
traumatic events (Anderson, n.d.). In IFS we offer a hopeful response to the impact of trauma, as
we guide clients systems to connect to the loving, nurturing, and compassionate essence within the Self.
The IFS Process
As IFS therapists, we want to support a process where the part is able to let go of the
burden and it’s constraining influence (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Often, there are protective
parts that organize around burdens, with strategies to ‘get over’ or ‘overcome’. In IFS, we do not
bring any agenda to the unburdening process, we simply open space for the part to come to know
that it can let go of what it holds in the presence of Self (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
If we sense that a part is carrying a legacy burden, we may ask exploratory questions,
such as:
“how much of [this] is your experience and how much was passed on to you?”
“does anyone else you know share this belief/concern?”
“when did you take on this burden?”
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When a part lets us know that a portion of this belongs to someone else or that it has been with it
“always”, we can begin to consider that we are working with a legacy burden. We may want to
proceed with asking who the burden belonged to, proposing hope that we can also offer healing
to the ancestral lineage in this process (Gardener, 2020).
We then want to invite the part to separate what is theirs, and what is not, by asking:
“what percent of this belief belongs to you, and what percent belongs to someone else?”
(Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
This answer may elicit a range of responses, but often the legacy burden comprises of 50% or
more (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). We would then continue with:
“would the part be willing to let go of the percentage that does not belong to it?”
Sometimes, a part is reluctant to let go of the burden, sharing concerns such as: if I let go of that
I will be letting go my connection to [my mother], I will be nothing without the burden, or that it
is my duty to hold this burden for my [country/community] (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020;
Gardener, 2020). We need to address the concerns directly, for example, we can offer that the
heart connection between the mother and client will remain after the burden has lifted (Gardener,
2020). To address concerns of identity, we can guarantee the part will not disappear once the
burden lifts, or that it can release it one drop at a time. Finally, to respond to concerns of loyalty,
we can offer that the part can unburden and retain the memory of what has happened, but without
the pain/emotional charge (Gardener, 2020).
When the part is ready to unburden, we can ask it to find the burden/energy in their body
and then send it back to the person/ancestral lineage from where it came (Gardener, 2020). We
invite the burden to be passed back as long as it goes, to ancestors both known and unknown
(Gardener, 2020). At the end, we can invite in healing energy/imagery to receive the burden and
transform it (Gardener, 2020). Once transformed, qualities not available to the system while
carrying the burden arise; these are often qualities of Self that can also be passed up through the
lineage (Gardener, 2020). If a part is concerned about this process, another option is to send the
burden into the light/air/fire/water. We may then continue to work with the portion of the belief
that belonged to the part, the same way we work with personal burdens.
As IFS therapists, it is also our responsibility to do the work in our own systems to
uncover legacy burdens we hold. There are times when these burdens, if left beyond our
awareness, will impact the safety of the session, as clients systems can often sense when we are
blended with a part.
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References
Gardener, K. (2020). Legacy Burdens [Video]. Retrieved from IFSCA Masterclass Series.
Schwartz, R. & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems: Second edition. The Guilford
Press.
Yehuda, R. & Lehrner, A. (2018). Intergenerational transmission of trauma effects: putative role
of epigenetic mechanisms. World Psychiatry. 17(3): 243-257. Retrieved from
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6127768/
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IFS & Addictive Cycles
The inner struggle of addiction has been relentlessly pathologized and criminalized in
North America, as evidenced by the plethora of managerial strategies aimed to extinguish
‘addictive behaviors’ and the years-long war waged on our firefighters, named “the war on
drugs” (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). In IFS, we hold addiction in a different light, and in this
section we will explore and describe the ways in which Self can build a relationship with all
parts involved, ultimately unburdening the shame underneath (Krueger & Sykes, 2018).
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses,
who are only waiting to see us act, just once,
with beauty and courage.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
Redefining the conflict
Addiction can be understood as a power struggle or polarity occurring between extreme
aspects of the personality system, sometimes referred to as an ‘addictive cycle’ (Sykes, 2006).
The primary intention of each polarized part/group of parts is to protect the system from danger.
This creates a dynamic of parts, each with their own strategies and roles, that fear the overload
and overwhelm associated with deep seeded vulnerability or pain (i.e. exiles) (Sykes, 2006).
When the IFS therapist begins to unfold the addiction from the identity of the client, suggesting
that this is actually an interplay of parts, shame may begin to be reduced in the system (Krueger
& Sykes, 2018).
In fact, we hold this non-pathologizing stance in many aspects of the work,
acknowledging the positive and adaptive intent of all parts, even those in extreme roles; this may
sound like, “if you are using you have your reasons, we are here to look at the conflict
inside…not take it away” (Krueger & Skyes, 2018). This is facilitated by entering the clients
system from a Self-led place and not from our managers who may want to suppress the clients’
polarized parts (Krueger & Skyes, 2018). Parts who come with agenda to overturn protectors
often only cause them to double-down on their role (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2006). So,
collaborative approaches are employed, and ultimately the clients system decides how to
navigate forward in the work.
There are times that this paradigm shift can be shocking, especially for clients who enter
therapy blended with critical parts who believe “[they] have to stop this!” or “what I am doing is
wrong” (Krueger & Sykes, 2018). As IFS therapists we invite our clients to know the positive
intent from the inside out. We are always listening for parts and reflecting back with curiosity. In
the case of “what I am doing is wrong”, we hear from the critical part and of the part engaging
in the behavior. Drawing our clients awareness and Self energy forward in separating the two,
allows us to ask about the protective function of both parts directly, unfolding the origin and
intent behind their strategy.
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The polarization within
We may begin to work with someone by mapping their system and illustrating the
addictive cycle of their parts. While mapping, we may come to know the polarization holding the
tension in the system. On one side, we can find reactive firefighter parts, who use techniques
such as: numbing, binge eating/drinking, drug or alcohol use, or dissociation (Schwartz &
Sweezy, 2020). When asked directly, they let us know they are keeping the exiles at bay the best
way they know how, by diverting the system from any awareness of emotional pain (Sykes,
2006). Quite often there are legacies of addiction in families, with firefighter strategies reaching
back generationally (Krueger & Sykes, 2020).
The short-term gain of ‘forgetting everything for awhile’ eventually gives way to
manager backlash (Sykes, 2006). Manager parts often represent the other side of the polarity,
using strategies such as: criticism, forceful disregard, and shaming in an attempt to create
homeostasis after firefighters act out (Sykes, 2006). We can also see a short-term gain of ‘getting
back on track’ and the system again assuming a faux state of balance.
However, neither managerial nor firefighter strategies can prevent the triggering of the
exile, as the world provides ample opportunities for the shame/pain beneath to get our attention.
Not to mention, the cycle of the polarization itself also contributes to the shame reservoir, as
each side never prevails for long, flooding the system with the shame or worthlessness held by
the exiled part (Sykes, 2006).
The IFS therapist holds space for both sides of the polarization to unfold and be
appreciated from Self. As each side takes its position, they may share about feeling compelled
into their role, unaware of another way to help the pain below the surface (Sykes, 2006). The
Self of the IFS therapist guides the client system to recognize that there is a new option available
now to heal the pain. More often than not, both parties resonate with this shared goal (to keep
pain out of awareness), and allow access to the exile.
Once we have access to the exile, Self can unburden it. In this process, it is important that
the exiles story is fully witnessed, as a partial unburdening can lead to relapse. It may also be
true that multiple exiles must be unburdened before the system can reorganize. The therapists’
Self supports the wisdom of the clients system in this process. If relapse does occur, it may be
that exiles previously unknown/dormant have come forward or the healing was not complete,
and the polarization may resume its role (Krueger & Sykes, 2018). The therapist addresses the
relapse with the same curiosity and compassion as previously explored.
Making peace with our warriors
Perhaps everything that frightens us is,
in its deepest essence,
something helpless that wants our love.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
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Once we have deeply witnessed and facilitated the healing of our parts, we are called to
make peace with our inner warriors, once polarized and at war. Recognizing the position they
held inside of the system as being of service of keeping the pain out of awareness calls us to
honor their service. With the pain of the exile no longer at risk of flooding, firefighters and
managers are both freed up to assume their natural role in the system. Ultimately, in supporting
our clients to explore their addictive cycle with curiosity, we create the possibility for deep
healing of what has been so profoundly hidden within.
References
Krueger, M. & Sykes, C. (2018). The Voices of Addiction: Winter Module [Video]. Retrieved
from IFS Continuity program.
Skyes, C. (2006). Manager & firefighter polarizations: an internal family systems view of the
addictive cycle. Retrieved from
https://static1.squarespace.com/static/58e13ba9db29d6c9b31ede41/t/5e399111a1fc225432b34e7
1/1580830993866/Manager+and+Firefighter+Polarizations.pdf
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IFS & Couples
Written by: Elyse Heagle, MSW, RSW
“It is in the practice of Self-compassion that it becomes possible to love freely and courageously,
thriving in intimate connection with others and ourselves” - Toni Herbine-Blank
In the monolithic mind paradigm, when we work with a couple, we are working with two
beings. However in IFS, while we are often working with two clients, we are actually holding
space for a multitude of parts within the pair. Often, these consist of several parts engaging in
repetitive and predictable cycles that make up the pattern of conflict (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
The IFS couples therapist aims to assist both partners in healing their inner worlds and
embodying more Self-led connection to their partner. We hold the hope that as this different
inner relationship unfolds, the partners will experience more choice and spaciousness in their
reactivity, being able to be more themselves in the face of future conflict (Herbine Blank, 2018).
The following section will outline broad strokes of Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO), a
method pioneered by Toni Herbine-Blank. IFIO is a psychotherapeutic process rooted in the
theory of IFS that aims to heal and improve relationships.
The invitation inward
We want to begin by assisting the couple to flesh out the nature of their dynamic. This
may involve tracking a ‘sequence’, or a predictable and repeating pattern of behavior between
protective parts (Herbine Blank, 2018). This process of tracking how protective parts interact
within each system involves looking and listening to how the parts are strategizing around the
deeper feelings of the exile (Herbine Blank, 2018). As the IFS therapist begins to see parts
speaking to parts, they may share their observations with the couple. This helps the client(s) to
recognize their protective parts in-action, and assists the individual in getting curious about the
unmet needs existing just beneath this protective shield (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). In doing so,
we often come to learn that protective parts are attempting to restore connection or get a need
met that is held by an exile. However their strategies are ineffective, as they are focused on
looking outside of the system for their healing.
Once clients begin to recognize exile-protector pairings, and build relationship with the
protectors themselves, the vulnerability/pain/unmet need of the exile may be revealed. The
therapeutic process of unfolding this story within the pairing often begins by focusing on one
person and inviting them to turn their attention inward (Herbine Blank, 2018). Offering
exploratory questions such as, “what do you notice inside of you?” or “what do you hear yourself
saying about you, or about your partner?” (Herbine Blank, 2018). We avoid the question of “how
do you feel about [your partner]” because this tends to shift the focus and blame back onto the
other persons system; we want to keep the focus inward (Herbine Blank, 2018). Then, the
therapist may ask, “what is your first impulse?” or, what is the first thing you want to do when
[part] feels this way, and then we ask what it is like when their partner responds to that behavior
(Herbine Blank, 2018).
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Finding space and choice
The therapist holds space and curiosity for the partners’ Self to come into relationship
with the protector(s), eventually understanding what the protector is afraid will happen if they
don’t react/do what they do (Herbine Blank, 2018). Through this, as with the basic IFS protocol,
we validate the protectors’ attempts, seeing the well-intended plight to keep the exiles intensity
at bay. Often, as one client works with their inner system, their partner also witnesses this for the
first time, seeing the participating partners’ reactivity from a new lens. During this process, the
therapist aims to check-in with the witnessing partner to see if they are able to stay present to
what is unfolding (Herbine Blank, 2018). Here, we stay close to the creed “all parts welcome”,
allowing the witnessing partner to speak from whatever part may be present, and then helping
them unblend if necessary (Herbine Blank, 2018).
Once the participating client becomes more aware of their inner world, they may be
invited to practice speaking for what is going on inside of them, instead of from it (Herbine
Blank, 2018). When we speak for a part, we bring more Self energy into the exchange, and
practice responsible self-disclosure; this allows protectors to trust that Self can lead the system
(Herbine Blank, 2018; Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). When both partners take ownership for their
parts and the origins of the protective strategies, they begin the important process of
differentiating internally so they can differentiate externally (Herbine Blank, 2018). The therapist
would continue to work with each system to unburden the exiles, allowing even more freedom
for choice, and space to recognize that everyone has a core need to be heard and understood
(Herbine Blank, 2018). Subsequently, relational unburdening can occur in the space where one
partner bears witness to their own exile internally, while the other brings love and compassion
externally; a remarkable and corrective experience within both the internal and external worlds
(Herbine Blank, 2018).
Heart centered communication
As each partner’s system receives healing, the need to look outside for validation
diminishes, and more room is made for error and forgiveness in the couple relationship (Herbine
Blank, 2018). In other words, as the polarity of each individual’s system relaxes and heals, the
couple naturally shifts into a more flexible state; for example, saying “no” does not create a
survival threat and both can negotiate their own needs (Herbine Blank, 2018). Not surprisingly,
when the couple relates from Self-led energy rather than parts, they tend to remember why they
connected in the first place (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
It is important to note that throughout this process the IFS therapist is engaged in
maintaining a safe triangle – which includes both partners and themselves (Herbine Blank,
2018). The maintenance of safety lies not only in the parts work process, but also within the
therapists’ own system. So, we ask ourselves continuously, “am I able to stay present?”
simultaneously doing in the inner work of noticing and asking space from parts that may polarize
with what is present in the couple. Ultimately, the IFIO process invite clients to connect with
what has been inside all along, opening up a new frontier of possibility in the relationship, and
sending the resounding message, “I can be here for you because I have a Self” (Herbine Blank,
2018).
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References
Herbine Blank, T. (n.d.). IFS Continuity Program: Intimacy from the Inside Out. Retrieved from
IFS Institute Continuity Program. URL unavailable.
Schwartz, R. & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal Family Systems: Second edition. The Guilford
Press.
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