Professional
Relationship
Counselling Course
The KEW Training Academy
Professional Relationship Counselling Course
Copyright
Copyright © 2016 by: The KEW Training Academy
Cover and internal design ©2016 The KEW Training Academy
All rights reserved. No part of this course may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or
mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems – except in the case of
brief quotations in articles or reviews – without the permission in writing from its publisher, The
KEW Training Academy.
All brand names and product names used in this course are trademarks, registered trademarks, or
trade names of their respective holders. We are not associated with any product or vendor in this
course.
Table of Contents
Contents
Professional Relationship Counselling Course ............................................................................... 1
The KEW Training Academy ..................................................................................................... 1
Copyright ........................................................................................................................................ 3
Table of Contents ............................................................................................................................ 4
Introduction ..................................................................................................................................... 6
Module One .................................................................................................................................. 14
Emotionally Focussed Therapy................................................................................................. 14
Module One .................................................................................................................................. 19
Self-Study Assessments ............................................................................................................ 19
Module Two .................................................................................................................................. 21
Romantic Attachments .............................................................................................................. 21
Module Two .................................................................................................................................. 37
Self-Assessment Tasks.............................................................................................................. 37
Module Three ................................................................................................................................ 39
Emotional Experience ............................................................................................................... 39
Module Three ................................................................................................................................ 45
Self-Assessment Tasks.............................................................................................................. 45
Module Four.................................................................................................................................. 46
Patterns...................................................................................................................................... 46
Module Four.................................................................................................................................. 49
Self-Assessment Tasks.............................................................................................................. 49
Module Five .................................................................................................................................. 50
Roles Within Conflict ............................................................................................................... 50
Module Five .................................................................................................................................. 57
Self-Assessment Test ................................................................................................................ 57
Module Six .................................................................................................................................... 58
Working Together ..................................................................................................................... 58
Module Six .................................................................................................................................... 68
Self-Assessment Task ............................................................................................................... 68
Module Seven ............................................................................................................................... 69
Withdrawing and Pursuing ....................................................................................................... 69
Module Seven ............................................................................................................................... 80
Self-Assessment Task ............................................................................................................... 80
Module Eight ................................................................................................................................ 81
Overcoming Blocks .................................................................................................................. 81
Module Eight ................................................................................................................................ 91
Self-Assessment Task ............................................................................................................... 91
Final Assessment Paper ................................................................................................................ 92
About......................................................................................................................................... 94
Additional Courses........................................................................................................................ 95
Professional Relationship Counselling Course ........................................................................... 100
Introduction
Welcome to this specialised professional level course on relationship counselling. This is an indepth study course and considered as an add-on qualification for professional counsellors. It is
also suitable for study alongside a traditional counselling qualification.
This course is intense but does not cover all of the traditional counselling methods rather, the
emphasis is on emotionally focussed therapy and how to apply these powerful counselling
techniques to those who are experiencing relationship issues. This is an intricate area of
counselling and work will be varied.
Some couples will seek professional help not just because they are experiencing deep
relationship problems but because their relationship has lost its edge somehow, it may have
become jaded and they hope that with the right counsellor, they will be able to rekindle their
feelings. Other couples will have tried to discuss their problems with each other but may have
issues still to resolve. Some couples will have tried to talk out their problems and may have
failed and so need expert guidance.
It is easy to see why a relationship counsellor may always be in demand.
There are many external factors which can place a great deal of strain on a relationship, in
addition, there are varying internal problems which can also escalate out of control. Increasing
levels of emotional strain can certainly place a formerly strong relationship at critical point.
Difficulties can easily undermine family functioning and one or both partners may develop
anxieties, feel depressed or, even turn to substance abuse.
Many couples will blame each other for their problems and begin to argue regularly and over
time this cycle of arguments and bad feeling toward each other can threaten their relationship.
Once a couple has entered into a negative cycle, it can be very difficult for them to break free
from this habit.
There are many circumstances as to why couples may require your services including:
Blame
Anger
Bitterness
Critical
Resentful
Insulting
Sarcasm
Name-calling
In addition, you may also see the following behaviours:
One person sees themselves as a victim
One partner gives the other the silent treatment
Refusal to discuss or argue
Withdrawing-on an emotional or physical level
Ignoring the partner
External factors will also include life events and these can certainly have a tremendous influence
on any relationship including:
Getting married
Redundancy
Illness
The birth of the child
Difficulties with a child
Bereavement
Disabilities
Mental health issues i.e. depression
Any of these events can increase the stress experienced and impact greatly upon any relationship.
It is quite common for couples to turn to therapy during or after these type of life events. To be
able to help your clients, you must discover which warning signs are indicative within the
relationship and whether these warning signs may have increased both in number and intensity.
For relationship counselling to work, both partners need to be fully committed to the process and
you will often find that one partner tends to be less so at least initially. Although many of the
problems that you see will be experienced regularly, people are complex and so their personal
experiences, fears and behaviours will add new dimensions to the situation and to their reactions.
Relationship counselling is not for everyone.
Some couples may be beyond even professional help and this can happen for a number of
reasons. Certainly if they are no longer committed to the relationship and do not love each other
enough, then they will not be prepared to work through their issues. In addition, where any
partner has had or is having an affair, or if mental health issues are experienced or, where an
addition or violence is present, you will not be able to help these clients.
Certainly addictive behaviour is quite common when a relationship is crumbling and even
drinking too much can lead to further problems. People do so because it helps to dull or suppress
the emotions experienced by that individual. It makes sense that couple therapy can only be a
viable option once any addiction is under control and many people find it extraordinary difficult
to deal with emotional issues. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) as used in this course, requires
clients to be committed to the whole process and for both partners to be prepared to face up to
their issues and any emotions, however raw they may be.
Certainly, in any type of relationship problems, emotions are likely to be painful and your clients
may be scared to face up to them. It is vital that these emotions are considered and identified
because they form a warning, and can be used as a learning tool and ultimately acted upon.
Note: If either client is turning to alcohol or drug use even as a primary way of coping with the
problems in the relationship, emotionally focused therapy is not to be considered in the first
instance. It is far better to recommend the client to seek behavioural therapy and this has been
found to be highly effective both in individual cases as well is in group settings providing the
client wishes to deal with the addiction. Therapy can also focus on dealing with the addiction as
a couple. It may be that afterwards; EFT would be beneficial.
If there is violence in the relationship, EFT is not recommended.
To emphasise this point, note that EFT should not be used where there is violence, intimate
terrorism or situational couple violence. This is defined in the following list:
Intimate Terrorism
Domination of a partner
Trying to control the relationship
Power and control tactics are used
Violence is occurring or threatened
Control tactics (non-violent)
Emotional abuse
Using children as a weapon
Isolating the partner
Situational Couple Violence
Reciprocal use of violence
Not an established pattern of control
Specific conflict situations lead to violence
Not caught in a pattern of controlling behaviours
Relationship therapy will not be helpful if one or
both partners are indulging in an affair with
others and, if they have no desire to finish this
affair.
It will also be unhelpful when one or both of the partners have unresolved mental health issues as
in the following examples:
Depression-this is clinical depression which needs to be treated successfully before relationship
counselling can take place
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)-this may be caused through emotional abuse, physical
abuse or sexual abuse and should be treated as a priority before relationship counselling takes
place.
Personality disorders-this must be prioritised and treated before undergoing relationship therapy.
Counselling Sessions
Clients will usually come to see you once a week but the duration will depend on their progress
and commitment to each other. Session times are usually 50 minutes approximately. It’s always
beneficial to discuss the expected duration of counselling – anything between eight and twenty
sessions on average as the clients will then realise it is not a quick-fix treatment and that they
have to work at it. Counselling looks at the emotions behind the cycles and aims for relationship
closeness. It is advantageous to see both clients together rather than to see them individually.
This may sound common sense however; some therapies prefer to work on an individual basis. It
is far more important for the two people involved to be able to work out their lives together,
looking at any patterns of interactions, and personal perspectives and therefore the vast majority
of the sessions should have both partners present.
As a therapist, you will help your clients to move deeper into their emotions than they would
naturally be able to do themselves.
The whole point is to guide them through the processes and techniques and to lead them through
any conflicting emotions. To do so, it’s important that you are able to make your clients feel
comfortable and safe in the environment so that they can open up and fully benefit from the
therapy sessions. You must not put the blame for the problems on any one partner rather, the
focus should be on the relationship itself and how it has grown towards a negative state over a
period of time.
Both partners are responsible and so both must work together to aid progress.
Quite often men are reluctant to go to counselling sessions because they are worried that they
may be blamed for the current situation. While it is true that one partner may have done
something which has damaged the relationship, it is usual that both will have played a significant
role in things going wrong in the first place, even if the individual is reluctant to admit it.
When you’re working with your clients, you must understand that it is the ‘relationship’ that is
the client and not the individuals involved. Your focus has to be on the issues that are keeping
your clients from connecting on an emotional level – and there is always something beneath the
surface, rather than playing the blame game. Initially, there may be an intensity to each session
but your aim is to slow the sessions down helping clients to find and deal with the emotions that
exist beneath the surface.
Once these emotions are brought to the fore, the emotions become tangible and it is possible to
see the beliefs and thoughts that are interconnected with them. This can be surprisingly revealing
to the client’s helping them to understand how and why they think and act in the way they do.
When using emotionally focused techniques, you seek out ultimate health through close
relationships. This approach enables the progression of the emotion for all, rather than the
suppression of emotions. Emotions are positive and then become a way of life. It is so important
for the couple to have an emotional connection with each other and to be able to express it. Too
often, couples who are misaligned within a relationship (for whatever reason) will push each
other away and seek to hurt each other. In EFT, it is not about delving back into childhood
situations and memories, there is no blame, just an acceptance that there may be issues from the
past which serve to impact the way the two individuals are connected to each other. So the focus
of emotionally focussed therapy is always on the present relationship and to determine what is
stopping both clients from communicating, from relating to each other and from feeling much
closer together.
So now you understand what emotionally focussed therapy is all about, it is important that you
take your mind to work through this in-depth course carefully and with commitment. As a
professional relationship counsellor, your goal is to connect on an intrinsic level with your
clients and to help them overcome stagnating or damaging emotions and instead, to open up to a
positive and close, loving future. You have a responsibility to your clients, therefore, it is vital
that you understand all of the information within this course and are ready to apply the
techniques in a practical, working environment.
After each module, you will find self-study assessment tasks and these must be completed as
they are designed to check your memory of the information within each session. These tasks
should not be sent to The Kew training Academy but are for your benefit only. Only continue
with the rest of the course once you are confident that you have understood all of the information
within.
At the end of the course, there is a final assessment paper and this should be completed and sent
to The Kew training Academy for review, only on satisfactory completion of this assessment will
a professional qualification be awarded.
If you are ready, turn to Module One.
Module One
Emotionally Focussed Therapy
To be a good counsellor in any area, it is important that you are able to make your clients feel
relaxed and safe in the therapy environment. So trust is an important part of the success of the
session. To work within relationship counselling and in particular, emotionally focused therapy,
you must be an observer of emotion. Therefore, you have to understand the difference between
reactive, secondary emotion and vulnerable, primary emotion. Not only should the clients feel
the emotion but you, as the counsellor must do so too.
Progress can be surprisingly rapid. Even in the first session, emotions may arise that will have
not been discussed previously and this may be a shock to your clients. Emotional revelations are
however good. There may be apparent and obvious issues when dealing with connection and
disconnection and when this line of enquiry is followed, often there are underlying emotions
which were previously hidden and will now come to light.
Once this happens, clients are able to increase communication regarding any issues. Your role is
to help slow down the conversation and to access the information that is being revealed from an
emotional perspective. You may find that your clients are surprised to not only discover that
these emotions have been buried within but also the impact that it has had as regards their
partners. Certainly within the first few sessions, you should have been able to reveal some of the
more vulnerable emotions and these should have been not just communicated with the clients but
felt by all.
Your aim is to help your clients:
Undercover hidden emotions
Make sense of their emotions
Consider the message relative to the emotion
To act on the message
To gain clarity of wants and needs
To share emotions and needs with the partner
To work together to overcome the cycle of disconnecting
To work together to create a cycle of connection
To listen to and understand the emotional needs of the partner
You must be prepared to not just encourage your clients but to push them when required. One of
your clients may not be listening fully, or supporting or simply not understanding and so you
must support the process, leading them both to the same active participation. It will help them to
discover and share their findings with each other and you must observe and take an intuitive
stance, knowing instinctively when to help them share directly with each other. This will keep
progress on track, focusing on any critical elements that come to light and helping them to truly
hear each other. Their responses must be both practical and emotional.
Progress can only take place if you’ve created a safe environment and if both clients are
committed to the process.
Change begins to happen during the sessions once both clients know the primary, vulnerable
emotions that lie beneath the surface and ultimately controls their relationship. As these emotions
come to light they give new meaning and also encourage action. Another aspect of change occurs
as the clients start talking to each other. It sounds simple, communication is everything but this is
one area that suffers when there are problems and it’s also natural for your clients to instinctively
withdraw emotions but emotionally focussed therapy aids transformation of this emotional
change.
Emotion plays a significant part in the success of any relationship and once you have discovered
the influence of these emotions, you can help your clients to communicate and to improve their
connection. When using emotionally focused therapy, you will note straight away that it is
different from other relationship-style counselling. This is because as previously stated, the client
is actually ‘the relationship’ itself and this way, blame is not involved, you simply understand
that whatever’s happened, both will have had a good reason for acting in a certain way. This is
true even if it has not been the best way toward developing a loving relationship.
It is up to you to help your clients discover the reasons for their actions. As you do so, rooting
about for the core reasons behind any destructive behaviours, you will start to see emotions
emerging. While you may think that the primary emotions will be that of anger, jealousy or even
frustration, it is just as likely that the more vulnerable emotions arise - those of fear, hurt and
deep sadness.
These are the types of emotions that couples (especially when they are having problems) will
show each other. It is so easy for one of the partners to have felt terribly hurt either through
inaction (perhaps the partner forgot something important or failed to meet a promised action).
Often the core hurt is then replaced with anger. When this type of scenario is bought to the
surface, the partner who has experienced feelings of hurt – expresses emotional pain as well as
anger.
This individual then has choices to make:
Admitting the mistake and apologising
Downplaying the importance of the mistake
Is aggressive in defence
Remains silent
These types of scenarios can happen more and more and often the partners become caught up in
a never-ending cycle of blame, emotional hurt and, deep disappointment. Both will play a role
but will be unable to change the script. More damage is ultimately done to the relationship at this
point.
Even though both couples may be worried about the impact on their relationship, it is likely that
they will seem helpless to prevent it. Fortunately, emotionally focused therapy will target this
destructive cycle by helping them go beneath the surface, beyond the anger and frustration which
is most visible and to venture into those more vulnerable areas - namely hurt and fear.
The cycle of conflict
It’s important that couples start to recognise their core emotions and also be able to identify their
partner’s responses in a different way. Each couple will be different. Not only will they have
their own learned behaviours (from childhood into adulthood) but their perceptions will be
unique to them. In the same way, their actions may be very different. Perhaps one partner starts
to shout or become louder as anger takes over while the other starts to withdraw or even
responses in a similar way – aggressively defensive. Understanding how and why this happens
can certainly lead to progress. Once your clients start to understand each other little more they
begin to enter into what is known as the cycle de-escalation phase.
This stage of therapy does not mean that the problems have been resolved, it just means there is
greater understanding and perhaps not as much intensity experienced within the conflicting
moments. This naturally enables the individual to de-escalate any anger felt and expressed
because the partner’s reaction is different. Perception can make such a difference once they are
able to tune into the moment witnessing it as if through the other’s eyes. Certainly, as the
partners begin to experience each other’s emotions and are able to not just describe them but also
share them with each other, the fighting reduces and changes happen. The cycle de-escalation is
an essential and normal part of the process.
With renewed perception comes greater understanding.
Once the client’s start to argue less, you will often see them becoming much closer again. In a
way, they stop seeing each other as the enemy and recognise that the real enemy is the
destructive emotions experienced i.e. jealousy and they naturally start to share their relationship
needs more freely. Even if they were able to talk about their needs previously, the environment
may have been tense or at least, met with resistance. When the arguing lessens, it does not
automatically mean that their relationship is on safe ground or even that they feel closer, but it is
certainly one step nearer toward a more intimate relationship.
In addition, there is often a fear of arguing more so as it becomes a pattern.
Once there is less inclination to hide or withdraw from each other, intimacy will naturally
increase. Once your clients start to feel safer around each other, they will also be able to open up
more and therefore, communication improves.
Module One
Self-Study Assessments
Task:
In this course, what does EFT stand for?
Task:
How is EFT different from other types of relationship counselling?
Task:
How long are individual sessions usually?
Task:
How many sessions are usually required in this type of relationship counselling?
Task:
What circumstances would make EFT an unpractical solution for recovery?
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Module Two
Romantic Attachments
Consider emotions as a signal. They are a way to communicate not just with the world around
you but on an intrinsic level to that of your mind and body. These signals direct valuable
information about love and romance but are also conducive to the survival of an individual.
Within emotionally focused therapy and the theory about attachment issues provided by John
Bowlby, there is a clear and defined map so you can understand how emotions impact any
relationships. He suggested a number of very important ideas which highlight the importance of
relationships from childhood right through to adulthood.
Within his proposal, he stated that attachment relationships are all about security and in
particular, where you are able to turn to someone in times of need. This relationship may change
over a period of time but attachment relationships are a constant throughout life. It may take up
to two years within an adult relationship for it to develop to a level of significance. Once it has
progressed sufficiently, it then provides emotional stability and support and serves to promote
the resilience and growth of each partner.
This attachment bond or the strength of it, depends on the couple’s ability to remain connected
on an emotional basis- importantly, throughout any times of uncertainty or when problems occur.
The more secure the relationship:
It is easier to manage emotions
Information is processed more efficiently
Communication improves
Self-understanding improves
Security
If we take a look at the foundation levels of security within a relationship, there are three main
characteristics:
Having someone you can depend upon. When you have someone in your life who is dependable,
it also improves the individual because they feel stronger and also have a clearer insight of
themselves.
Having someone to turn to in difficult times. Not every relationship is rock solid and not every
partner is there for both the good times and the bad times. When both individuals are confident
that they can turn to their partners for comfort and care, this is an essential component of
attachment security. Bowlby described this as a ‘safe haven’.
Having someone who provides confidence. When there is a secure attachment, it means that the
relationship itself encourages growth. It provides a solid foundation so that the couple can take
risks personally, knowing that they are supported throughout and they can embark upon life
exploration together.
So, in essence, an attachment bond provides a deep and all-important sense of security.
For some couples, the question will be whether they can depend upon the other when needed.
Doubts, unreliability, unsupportive – these types of elements only fragment a relationship. It is
important to note that it is not just what the partner intends, it’s about what they deliver. When a
partner is accessible, it enables:
Attention towards concerns
Emotional availability
Availability for concerns
When responsive, they are there during times of need:
Responsive – in connection for closeness
Supportive - if times are uncertain
Reconnecting - after difficulties
Re-affirming - the value of the partner
Practical tasks
It is important that you take the information given within this course and begin to apply it in a
practical way. If you are already a qualified counsellor, there may be times when you are able to
use some of the information within a live situation. If you are currently also training as a
counsellor, start using the practical tasks on yourself so to gain greater understanding and also on
family and friends. By doing so, you will feel far more qualified and proficient when you have
clients.
Take a look at the above list and choose one item which you would consider as a strength. It
could be something that you do often or that comes easily to you in a relationship. Also, consider
how you show your partner that you care.
Once again look at the list and choose one item that may be deemed as an area of growth for you
personally. This may be something that is more difficult for you, so turn your mind to a time
when there was an opportunity for you to be more accessible to your partner or, more responsive
and if you didn’t, consider what happened instead. What was the impact? Also consider your
thoughts at the time.
Once you have tried out these tasks on yourself, start to practice on others, (with their permission
of course).
Note: this is often a great technique when used in a live counselling session as it helps you to
discover why clients may be holding back. Couples can very easily become stuck in these areas
causing the foundations of their relationship to splinter. This task really is all about awareness. If
you are within a relationship, ask your partner to also consider the answers on an individual level
and then discuss. While the focus should be on your own awareness, there may be a temptation
to discuss whether your partner’s views are right or wrong. Try to avoid this as this technique is
simply about self-awareness.
When couples are on the same emotional level, they will often appear deeply connected to each
other. This enables them to develop their relationship further and to feel confident as individuals.
This is the aim throughout the sessions and providing the couples both love each other, there is
the real possibility of any couple getting to this point through being open and honest with their
emotions. You may find that one or even both of your clients balk a little at the prospect of being
so open with each other. But when connecting at this level, it does require them to take risks and
be prepared to face their feelings of vulnerability.
You can help your clients to become more in tune with each other by discussing the following:
Maintaining eye contact
Holding hands or touching each other
Making time for their emotions and reflecting upon them
New behaviours take a little bit of time to become a way of life but by creating emotional
connections and endorsing these behaviours regularly, it automatically increases the security
experienced within the relationship. In time, this becomes a positive behaviour enabling them to
turn to each other when support is needed, to feel empowered enough to communicate their
needs and to begin to trust each other again.
Reactive strategies
Attachment can also work like an early warning system and if one or both partners are
experiencing distress or feel threatened, it immediately enables the couple to turn to each other
for comfort. It’s important that there is trust and security within a relationship and if this is not
present, emotional distress increases. Bowlby believed that being isolated and alone was actually
a traumatising experience and certainly within relationships, feelings of isolation and,
withdrawal are common responses to any conflict experienced
Note: attachment insecurity is just as easily triggered by those times of withdrawal and not just
through attacks based upon anger.
When attachment insecurity occurs, it can have a long-lasting, damaging effect on the
relationship and certainly research indicates that it is linked to a considerable number of negative
emotions:
Anger
Anxiety
Physical ailments
Low self-esteem
Loneliness
Consider that one of your clients is experiencing feelings of distress and that their partner does
not respond or isn’t available to respond, this client is likely to experience three significant
responses:
Regular effort to reach out to their partner fails - this leads to their giving up on making direct
efforts to incite a response
They will experience negative thoughts about their partner and even themselves - this leads to
their feeling uncared for
They will turn to a backup strategy to help combat feelings of distress - their initial distress has
now magnified because it now includes the failed response
It is understandable to consider that if the attachment system fails to provoke a safe or secure
response, as a result, attachment insecurity occurs. Therefore, your clients may begin to turn to
secondary ways so to be able to cope with unresolved distresses.
Common patterns of coping are reactive.
There are three basic response patterns of coping and these include:
Avoiding
Anxious
Mixed
To clarify:
If a client has an anxious response, this merely accentuates the attachment alarm and therefore
the client may be desperate for a response. When avoidant responses occur, these serve to
minimise any signals of distress experienced. Mixed responses may be the most confusing of the
three because they under or over respond during times of distress and as an example, you may
hear a client state that they have received mixed signals.
Let’s look at these in greater detail:
Anxious
As a coping strategy, your client may seek reassurance from or try to reconnect with their partner
by seeking emotional and physical closeness. You may be alerted to this behaviour by one
partner stating the other is needy, or dependent upon them and therefore, will know that the
situation is intense. Those who use this type of strategy may have negative views of themselves.
They are more likely to fear rejection and long for reassurance. They may put their partner on a
pedestal believing that their opinion is all that matters.
Other indicators include:
I feel like my partner doesn’t care about me in the way I care about her/him
I am worried that my partner is falling out of love with me
I am scared that my partner does not want to stay with me
I am frightened that my partner is interested in someone else
Avoiding
As a coping strategy, those clients who use avoidance will try to reduce any emotions
experienced through attachment. Some common indicators include trying to avoid feeling close
to or being intimate with the partner. They suppress any thoughts so as a way of managing
emotion or try to minimise their need for others. If a client shows signs of using this as a coping
strategy, they may have negative views towards others and highly value self-reliance or
independence.
In addition, other signs include:
I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself
I don’t want to be close to him/her any more as it makes me feel uncomfortable
I don’t want to depend on my partner any more
I don’t like to talk about my personal needs
Mixed
When someone uses the mixed coping strategy it includes both avoiding and anxious responses.
It tends to be those who experience fears relative to the anxious strategy but because they may
also find it difficult to trust feelings of closeness or intimacy, this fits in with the avoiding
approach. It is worth noting that any clients who adopt the mixed coping strategy are likely to
fear rejection. They may try to avoid being in a situation where this could happen. In addition,
they may take a passive approach and may sacrifice their own needs rather than risking rejection.
Note: it is important to understand that insecure or strategies are merely a way of coping. They
occur because what the client needs from a relationship is simply not available. Unfortunately,
these coping strategies can easily become patterns of behaviour which they turn to without
conscious intention and if they become fixed and do not resolve their issues, the relationship
spirals towards being emotionally insecure.
Practical task
As with the previous practical task, it’s important to try out various techniques so that you feel
confident when you have your own clients. As such, turn your mind to a time when you have
looked to your partner but did not achieve the response is required. Take another look at the three
strategies mentioned previously that of anxious, avoiding and mixed and then consider the
following:
Which of the above strategies do you feel most describe you personally?
Consider your thoughts during those moments
Did using this strategy help you?
How did it prevent you from achieving what you needed?
Once you and ultimately, your clients understand the relevance of attachment within a
relationship, it aids progression.
Discuss patterns of behaviour with your clients and reassure them that it is so easy to develop
coping strategies which then become normal behaviour. There should be no blame, rather all of
you working towards a resolution.
One the clients understand how these strategies become the norm and are able to identify and
understand goals/motivations that were in place – they will realise how they kept those patterns
alive.
Let’s take a look at emotional experience.
While good communication is vital, this assumes that your clients understand exactly what their
feelings are and know what they need to say. Counselling isn’t about the purging of emotion
rather it’s about identifying the role that emotions play. By doing so, the clients are able to
understand how their feelings interconnect with thoughts and ultimately, their actions. Think of
emotion as the glue and this holds all of the many interlocking pieces together.
People often think that the word ‘feelings’ is really just another term for emotions but emotions
are far more than this. We’ve mentioned that they are the glue of the relationship and they are
certainly linked together so the feeling is of the moment with the physical response of the body
and the resulting actions. So, by paying attention to the emotion, the clients will be able to find
the right words to express the experience and to be able to gain the support that they need.
To gain a better idea, consider that AFFECT will be the immediate emotional response.
In other words, it is an automatic response which occurs without the client even thinking or
analysing, the response is immediate. Therefore, affective responses are biologically based. They
happen instinctively and if you consider a moment of danger, enable action to be taken in an
instant.
To be able to explain this to a client, take them through a scenario where they are driving and
have to swerve to avoid hitting a pedestrian who has just stepped right out in front of them. Their
ability to respond in a split second is an ‘affective’ response. This can also occur on a
psychological level. Irrespective of whether physical or psychological, the body responds to
protect itself so ‘fight or flight’. Although sometimes viewed in a negative manner, it can also be
used in a nurturing sense.
Automatic responses are easily triggered by any type of threat and this does not necessarily mean
physical harm but through hearing that a loved one is seriously ill or that you may lose your job.
Affect is the action rather than the meaning.
Some clients will appear very unfeeling and will tell you so but, everybody experiences
sensations within the body. You trap your finger in a door and you immediately feel pain. You
encounter a difficult situation in the workplace and your muscles immediately start to feel tense.
You feel warmth when being held in a close embrace. So from this we can see that feelings are
connected to information received rather than in the previous section where affect meant
automatic action.
Within any counselling session, you may hear one client complaining that their partner (usually
the man) does not show any feelings. While it may be true that the man in question is
unemotional or appears to be unfeeling in many ways, this is usually incorrect in that everyone
experiences their feelings. The difference is they may not recognise them. Let’s imagine that you
have a client – a man and a woman in front of you. The woman is bitterly complaining that her
partner’s inability to feel or show emotion is really hurtful. Take a look at the man as the
conversation continues and you will see just how uncomfortable he may be feeling at that precise
moment. Therefore, he can experience feelings.
This is just one example but it is important to realise that feelings can be incredibly complex.
This is especially so if the client feels in a certain way about themselves - think embarrassment,
guilt or shame. For any session to progress, the acceptance of these feelings is vital especially
when using EFT because it is emotionally based. To help your clients realise that they do indeed
feel, talk them through the following list:
Ask if they experience:
Muscle tension
Cold or clammy hands
Sweaty palms
Shaking
Heart pounding
Erratic breathing
Tears
Frowning
Smiling
Quivering lips
Blushing etc.
Physical responses will certainly provide clues as to the client’s emotional experience. By
specifying and asking them to consider this list (which is far from inclusive) they will start to
build awareness of their own emotional experience and be able to understand their partners.
Practical task
This is a great technique to help clients get in touch with their feelings but in this first instance,
try the technique on yourself.
1. Turn your mind to a time when you became upset by another person. Close your eyes and
imagine that moment and consider why you were getting upset. Then consider the list of
feelings above as to the physical responses experienced. Write down however many
responses occurred.
2. Now turn your mind towards the emotions experienced and make a note of them. Were
you angry, sad, surprised, fearful or did you experience strong feelings of love? Where
were these emotions felt in your body? Try this same task out on your partner and then sit
and discuss the answers. This helps you to become aware of your own emotions and
those of your partner and vice versa.
Another very useful technique is that of focusing on the experience. There are six steps to
focusing and each help the client to progress further into the experience. Your role will be to help
your clients through this exercise so they can gain a greater understanding of the physical aspects
of emotion.
The client should find a clear space (if at home) so as to relax and then focus on any physical
sensations experienced. When aiding the client’s progression, be sure to keep the client in the
moment, helping them to avoid any distractions and to focus only on the here and now. They
should take several deep breaths and then ask them to focus on their internal sensations, moving
their focus to each part of the body where the feelings are experienced. As they do so, direct their
attention toward any issues and direct their attention to each feeling, understanding any issues
and to connect deeply with the experience.
Clients should describe their feelings in words or conjure up images of their experience. They
can do so by creating a phrase that captures the essence of the experience.
Once the experience has been described, they should then explore the area between the
experience and those sensations felt and, the description given. This means that they move
backwards and forwards between any images, words and physical experiences in the body.
This process requires listening to the experience and then accepting.
Once the experience has finished, the client must then focus on any insights gained from this
exploration process, now understanding and accepting it.
This is a positive and beneficial technique that can be used with both couples and to help the
client to gain greater levels of understanding.
Communicating
To feel emotion, the client has to be able to reflect and bring a sense of meaning to the whole
experience and this means they draw upon all reactions and use language so as to share their
experiences. Emotions afford critical information in the communication process. After all, you
can use words to define an emotion but unless the emotions are experienced at the same time,
these words may not even seem believable. Emotions provide the individual with a sense of
direction and also, motivates. Within a relationship, couples experience shared goals and shared
needs and the aim is that they connect sufficiently around these needs, and, in addition, this
highlights any conflict which may still be unresolved.
Communicating on an emotional level is absolutely essential – so discussing any differences that
may have come to light, not just the experience itself, but any expectations. Expectations can
also cause problems especially when the individual’s expectations are not in sync.
Although emotions are vital, they are not always pleasurable.
As a counsellor, your role when using emotionally focused therapy is to help assess any
emotions that arise which cause a direct correlation of a reactive emotional response as this can
lead to couples becoming caught up in destructive behavioural patterns. By doing so, you seek to
make previously unidentified patterns or unrecognised patterns and emotions more available and
visible to the clients. Your clients may have only witnessed their strongest emotions at work i.e.
those that occur in the midst of conflict, and it is more than likely that there are many other
emotions experienced during this time. By assessing them and ultimately bringing them to light,
the clients are able to see the extent of the difficulties within their relationship.
There are four parts to any emotional experience:
The trigger - this is the cause of any argument
The feeling - where the impact takes place
The meaning - why something happens
The action - how you respond
The trigger
Emotions can happen in an instant, without being warranted or even considered and triggers can
create negative emotions, as an example:
The client is given redundancy notice
The client has had some bad news about a family member
Positive situations can also become triggers including:
The birth of a child
A promotion at work
If you consider that a positive experience makes you relish the moment and to express the
emotions while a negative situation is likely to make you withdraw and to be quiet.
The following are very common triggers:
Fear and uncertainty
Broken promise
The threat of divorce
Criticism
Withdrawal of affection etc.
Instinctively, people sense danger and are reactive but even when a situation is not lifethreatening, the reaction can be the same. As such, individuals may respond to the situation
before they’ve actually calculated it. Triggers within a relationship may also be a surprise or
rather a shock and they can also be subtle.
Note: emotions show up in the body as a feeling. People experience their emotions in a very
different way. If you look at stress as a prime example, it is a common and negative emotion
experienced by most but, it may impact different parts of the body for one person than it does for
others.
Guiding your clients so that they tune into their feelings is important especially if:
The clients rarely stop to consider what they are feeling
The clients seldom want to talk about feelings
The client finds it difficult to explain their experiences
The client is overwhelmed by a multitude of feelings
Practical task
Helping the client to get in touch with their feelings can be as simple as their focusing on the
experience and connecting with how it feels in the body. You may find that some clients simply
don’t stand still for any length of time let alone to focus on their emotions and so the following
technique can be really useful:
The client should take in several deep breaths, ensuring that they are breathing - not just in the
chest but all the way through to the abdomen. They should have their eyes closed and turn their
attention to any physical sensations. Talk them through this process examining any tightness in
their shoulders, tension in the jaw line or butterfly sensations in the stomach area. Then they
should pay attention to any thoughts that connect with those feelings and, describe any images
that come to mind.
Name the experience
We’ve established that emotions are important and once experienced, it should be examined as
they generally have messages attached to them – good and bad. The trick to healthy emotions
and reactions is to decipher the meaning, understand the emotion and to listen.
Emotions and actions
Emotions have direct links to action and so clients should think about the following:
When the client feels angry-how do they respond on a physical sense?
When the client feels sad-how do they act?
When the client feels afraid-how do they respond on an instinctive level?
You will see many couples who are locked in an arguing cycle and so once they understand the
actions that they take are directly connected to the emotion experienced in that moment, they will
be able to predict the action.
Module Two
Self-Assessment Tasks
Task:
If you have not tried any of the practical tasks in this module, do so now. Take your time with
them and once you are fully familiar with the techniques, try them out on family and friends so
you will feel confident in a professional counselling environment.
Task:
Explain attachment relationships
Task:
What is meant by an automatic response?
Task:
Why can expectations cause problems within a relationship?
Task:
What is meant by coping strategies?
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Module Three
Emotional Experience
There are three levels of emotional experience.
To help clients progress through their relationship problems, you need to be able to understand
and assist their awareness as to the function of the primary emotion, the reactive secondary
emotion and to also be able to consider the role of the emotion within the relationship.
For many people, the thought processes take precedence over feelings, in fact, in many workrelated situations, emotions are inevitably pushed to one side. But research indicates that it is the
emotional processing that takes place within the brain that is so rapid, it actually forms the
foundation for the thought processes. From this perspective, your feelings occur before your
thoughts and emotions are approximately 2.5 times quicker than your thoughts. So in this case, it
makes sense to place equal emphasis on the emotions experienced and the thought processes that
follow.
As with everything in life, balance is important as is awareness and when taking this stance, your
clients will be far more prepared for enhanced decision-making and will act in the most positive
way.
So we have specified that there are three levels of emotional experience i.e. primary, secondary
and also, instrumental, and learning how to recognise the three layers as they occur is vital. By
developing awareness, this will immediately help you (and your clients) to tap into a primary
emotion and by doing so, you begin to develop trust in the experience.
Let’s discuss this in further detail.
Primary emotion
As an example, primary emotions have been described as a tingling sensation or, sometimes, as a
sinking experience that develops right in the pit of the stomach. Equally, some people describe it
as sensation of heaviness. Although your clients may not be fully aware of what these emotions
are called, everyone experiences primary emotions in a physical sense. It is true to say that these
primary emotions tend to be the most vulnerable and so will include:
Anger
Shame
Excitement
Sadness
Fear
Hurt
So primary emotions can be both negative and positive and they are called primary simply
because they are the very first emotions experienced as a direct response to any situation. But
clients may describe negative emotions as making them feel that they wish to withdraw or that
they feel introverted, whereas a positive primary emotion will do the opposite. Unless the client’s
partner is incredibly intuitive, sometimes, this withdrawal can go unnoticed. For example, you
have a couple in your therapy rooms and they begin to discuss their feelings. The man says
something which his partner feels is derogatory and her immediate and instinctive response to
the emotion is to withdraw, she falls silent, not even able to voice her feelings at that point. Her
partner continues talking, unaware of her withdrawal because he did not consider his comment to
be unkind – perhaps his intent was not to hurt and so the physical symptoms experienced at this
words – that of tension and a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach is never discussed to the
partner.
As you get to know your clients, do watch for body
language and a lack of expressive responses.
When you talk about primary emotions to your clients, emphasise the importance of them. They
are a vital signal, an indicator of all that is really happening and they are a part of being in the
moment.
Think of a primary emotion as something that is happening/being experienced in the here and
now.
Rather than to be reactive to a primary emotion, it is more important to slow down and to try and
make sense of it. These emotions are there for a purpose and if you can help the client to slow
down, to identify the emotion and to locate the emotion within the body, they will be able to
translate any message attached to it. The primary emotion has the biggest impact but it can also
be highly beneficial to the relationship. This is assuming that the client learns to listen to the
feeling and to identify with it and then shares it with the partner.
Too often, when the emotion occurs, people switch off from it and they try to think about
something else. This is because they are often scared by the intensity of the primary emotion and
may even disregard it or try to play down the importance of it. The solution is just to listen and
watch it but not to turn off the feeling.
While it is important not to wallow in a negative emotion for too long, it certainly is important to
understand why the emotion occurred. Often people will also place the blame to the emotion or
become angry and this will actually stifle the emotion and prevents them from gleaning
important information.
When you discuss primary emotions with your clients informed them of the following:
Primary emotions are honest indicators of how they feel at that moment
Primary emotions act as a guide directing them to what they need
Primary emotions direct them toward others for help or assistance
Primary emotions can lead to a positive connection with their partners when the emotion
is shared
Primary emotions can direct them to resolution
Primary emotions in action
When a primary emotion occurs, the individual should learn to focus on it immediately trying to
recognise it and then to translate the message. It may seem awkward, frustrating or perhaps be
difficult at first but it is possible to master this technique. Primary emotions by their very nature
open up a sense of vulnerability but they set the mood for the thoughts that follow.
In addition, the client may experience:
A feeling of heaviness in the chest area or in the shoulders
Aching sensation in the heart area
Tightness or tension in the back of the neck
Sweaty palms
Butterflies or tingling sensation in the stomach area
Once the feelings have been identified, where possible, the client should discuss the actual event
i.e. the trigger and the primary emotion and then the outcome with their partner. They can then
recreate the steps as required. After this, they should take a moment to understand the primary
emotion, to ascertain the trigger and then replay it. Although it can be painful and certainly
emotive, stay with it and then try to locate it on a physical level.
Secondary emotion
Usually when people discuss their emotions, they are talking about the secondary emotions as
these are the ones that people tend to be most aware of. While the primary emotion as we’ve
discussed occurs immediately and provides guidance, the secondary emotion forms the reaction.
Common secondary emotions include:
Frustration
Defensiveness
Anger
When working with your clients, you’ll notice if their conversation becomes heated or a little
angry, that it is the secondary emotion that is most noted. Although the arguments can be painful,
it’s easy to see why people focus on the secondary emotions i.e. that of frustration or anger
because these feel much safer than the primary emotions which tend to make them feel raw or
vulnerable.
In fact, anger can be both a primary emotion and a secondary emotion and the difference is
literally the situation. Anger can be used in a healthy way in that it can help you to protect
yourself but when it is used as a secondary emotion, it has a destructive effect. It doesn’t serve to
protect or to help improve intimacy between the client and the partner. When secondary anger is
used, it is done purely to hurt the other. Whereas primary anger is about defending through being
wronged.
Secondary emotions have often become habitual and so the reactions are familiar. Secondary
emotions often serve to push others away from you and you may have noticed this yourself if
you have lashed out verbally to a partner. It’s important to note that this emotion will not provide
a safe environment where as a primary emotion (because they come from a place of
vulnerability) draws people toward you rather than to push people away.
Practical task
Consider what secondary emotions you may have developed into behaviours in your own life.
Instrumental emotion
Instrumental emotions tend to be used as a way of controlling others or to manipulate them.
Children will often use instrumental emotions but these emotions are certainly used in adult
relationships. It is often a vicious cycle where the emotion is used either to hurt the other person
or so that an individual gets their own way.
Module Three
Self-Assessment Tasks
Task:
Explain primary emotions
Task:
Explain secondary emotions
Task:
Give an example when an instrumental emotion may have been used within your own
relationship
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Module Four
Patterns
Although everybody wants to achieve a strong and supportive relationship, it’s all too easy for
individuals to become embroiled in the daily stresses and strains, so much so that they forget
about the importance of being a couple. Sadly, day-to-day chores and the negative elements of
life can often take over any relationship and as a relationship counsellor, it is your role to help
your clients to rediscover themselves and to remember why they fell in love with each other.
If the building blocks of the relationship were strong, then feelings of love should still be there,
but sometimes, a relationship has gone too far to be mended. Examples of this are when a couple
– either one or both partners have indulged in affairs or have turned to addictive behaviours
including substance abuse as a way of coping or masking the emotional pain. Sometimes, you
will find that your clients can only think negatively about their relationship, and are so locked in
battle that they are unable to remember back to the times where their love was strong.
Certainly, if they can look back to times when they felt close and committed as a couple, it can
help to bring them a little closer together. If you take your clients back to their early days of
togetherness, you will often see positive emotions surging forwards. It can be dangerous to
simply focus on negative emotions and so by leading them towards positive feelings it is possible
to help them tap into the positive emotions that are buried underneath all of the volatile and
difficult behaviours.
Practical task
Try this practical task on your clients – especially those who have very few positive things to say
about each other:
In only three or four minutes, the clients must consider the very first time that they met. They
need to think about where they were and what they were doing at the time of meeting. Then
move their thoughts to the very first date or at least the first time that they actually spent any
quality time together.
Once they have identified this moment, they need to write down the following: where they were,
what attracted them to their partner, and how did it feel when they were together?
Following this, they individually discuss how they felt and then take it in turn to share their
responses to the other as in the following outline:
When I heard you say…….
As I listened, I felt…
In your professional capacity, observe your clients and consider whether they are tapping into
their primary emotions, their secondary emotions or are using instrumental emotions.
Each and every one of us have positive characteristics and it is important that your clients begin
to remember their partner’s positive traits. Sometimes, those initial characteristics may now be a
source of irritation – even though they were an important initial attraction. Discuss this openly
with both of your clients so that they can identify what attracted them to each other. Through this
discussion, elements may be revealed which they were not aware of.
Too often, when relationships have progressed - even if in a positive way, they look back on
those times as being romantically silly. But this is far from the truth and in fact, those emotions
were extremely real at the time. Even though some clients will have endured years of upset and
problems within their relationships, it is possible for them to begin to feel closer once more,
almost turning the clock back emotionally to how they were decades before. Once the negativity
starts to reduce, on an emotional level, they suddenly remember why they were so drawn to each
other in the first place and begin to rekindle their love.
When asked to describe how they now see their relationship, they must use positive adjectives
and can start to appreciate what they have. Too often people take each other for granted or fall
into a negative pattern where there are few compliments but an increase of arguing and fighting.
It’s always good to take an inventory of the emotions that occur within the relationship. Remind
your clients to recall that there was something special about them both in the early days of the
relationship and that it is useful to discuss these reasons openly and honestly as in the examples
below:
He thought she had beautiful eyes
She liked his sense of humour
He thought she seemed genuine
She thought he was kind
He thought she had a wonderful smile
She thought he was sexy etc.
Take your time with this module but when you are ready to progress, take a look at the selfassessment task.
Module Four
Self-Assessment Tasks
Task:
With a willing volunteer, talk to them about their current or former relationship and using the
techniques given, help them to identify the characteristics that were most appealing in their
partner when they first met.
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Module Five
Roles Within Conflict
The impact of negative emotion
Once a relationship has degraded to a certain level, there may appear to be very few positive
elements left and conflict becomes the norm. Arguments often increase and additional unhelpful
behaviours may seep into the mix. In times of conflict, there are typically four types of
behaviours mainly used by those couples who have reached the stage of putting each other down
and these include:
Contempt
This is where one partner makes statements as if from a superior pace within the relationship.
The aim is to attack the partner’s sense of self either abusing or insulting tactics. Sarcasm,
mocking and even aggressive humour can be used but it is always the tone of the voice that is the
issue and is particularly demeaning. There are also non-verbal signals such as sneering or rolling
of the eyes.
Criticism
This behaviour is where one partner states a problem within the relationship as if a defective
fault of the other and this may lead to verbally attacking the personality of the partner - and
diagnosing personality defects.
Defensiveness
This is where one partner will attempt to ward off a potential attack by denoting themselves as
the victim. This is a common form of defence.
Withdrawal
Withdrawal is often used as a way to avoid conflict. They may seem disinterested in the situation
around them but on a physiological level, their bodies react and they experience the symptoms of
stress.
Anger is often at the root of any difficult relationship although as with conflict, it is not usually
the cause. In the main, situations can become volatile based on how the couple cope with anger.
If they are able to speak about their feelings of angst in a constructive manner, it can help to
alleviate the tension and difficulties and even help to get the relationship back on an even keel. If
anger is also accompanied by criticism, contempt, defensiveness or withdrawal then the situation
worsens.
Negative cycles
Relationship counselling is never easy and it can take some time to unravel the negative cycles
that exist and to discover the true cause of any problems. It can help to take your clients back to a
time before any of the arguments or conflict existed. If you can discover just when the cycle of
negative emotion first began, you start to see a clearer picture as regards their relationship.
Sometimes clients will be unable to even remember where the argument started and why, as it
had commenced so long before and had just been growing consistently ever since. Once they
have established the starting point, ask them what their early arguments were like and whether
they were able to stop the negative emotion escalating to a point of no return?
Ask your clients to sit and discuss the early stages of their arguments (without using blame) and
consider how they were able to avoid using withdrawal, conflict, criticism or even contempt.
This can also be used by way of homework for the couple and they can bring their results back
the following week for discussion.
Fighting styles
Couples might readily admit that they do fight but they will usually not be aware of how they
fight. Because conflict is common for most of the clients asking for your services, by
understanding what they do and how they argue will at least eliminate some of the mystery
surrounding their problems. By bringing the negative cycles and fighting styles into the light,
you strip away the power that it has over them.
You will find that some of your clients openly mistake the impact of their arguments, tying it
into the quality of their overall relationship. Although the fighting may seem (to the couple) to be
the worst part of their relationship, it is worth noting that it is not always an accurate indicator.
Attack/attack
When conflict and arguments are linked in an attack/attack relationship, it becomes apparent that
neither of the partners wish to give way on their viewpoint. In fact, they are so busy laying claim
to their own point of view and pushing this forward, they do not have enough time to even hear
each other. The easiest way of describing this type of scenario is that they are in the midst of an
open war. They consider their partner to be the enemy. In this type of situation, both of the
partners have become embroiled in secondary reactive emotions. This means they’ve completely
bypassed those all-important primary emotions (that of vulnerability) and they have missed out
on being able to translate the message. If you recall the previous module, when secondary
emotion is engaged, it repels rather than attracts others. It also sends out a negative message.
Explain to your clients that these types of negative cycles have a very strong and unhealthy
physiological impact.
Attack/defend
This is similar to the first example but instead of both partners being the aggressors and
attacking, one partner focuses on defending himself/herself. This defensive stance often
increases the volatility of the situation and makes the attacking partner become even more
agitated. This quickly turns into yet another vicious cycle of negativity.
Silent/Silent
Strangely enough, you will often find that those clients who have become caught up in the silent
/silent cycle will have potentially been involved in one of the other styles previously. Over a
period of time, it is easy for those who have operated in the negativity of another style to fall into
the ‘silent trap’ and to not participate in any angry encounters – usually because they have worn
themselves out. The aggressor has grown tired of arguing and the defensive other has become
ever more distant. Eventually, communication stops. It may be that as a couple they now rarely
fight or experience conflict but they most certainly lose the deep loving connection that should
exist in their relationship.
The whole ethos of emotionally focused therapy is to consider what is happening beneath the
surface.
Defensive reaction
If you find during your counselling session that you have clients who admit to responding
defensively, know that they feel they have a good reason for doing so. It is up to you to discover
what is happening inside the mind of the defensive person during any disagreements and by
doing so, you start to understand their response better. Try to have the non-defensive partner
recognising and sharing their thoughts and feelings when their partner slips into the usual
defensive mode. Here’s an example of what a non-defensive partner may be thinking or feeling
when the other slips into the usual mode of behaviour:
I hear my partner making excuses
I can feel that my partner is avoiding me
When my partner starts acting in a defensive way, I see and hear………………
Ask the non-defensive partner to write down everything they see, hear or feel during this time.
They may not even be fully aware of their feelings before they start to contemplate and write
their thoughts down. Once they have done so, ask them to consider how they then feel when this
happens.
For example:
Now that I have written this down, it makes me wonder whether you may;
Be tired of me
Not love me
Wish you were with someone else other than me etc.
Once the individual has finished writing down these thoughts, they should then share their
answers with their partner. Often this acts as a revelation and may be completely unexpected by
the partner. Although this may be overwhelming initially, sometimes you will see that the partner
reacts immediately in a defensive mode, justifying their actions simply because this behaviour is
now ingrained. Ask them to not respond but to simply listen. There is no blame only a point of
view. Keep the communication flowing by asking this partner what they thought and how it
made them feel.
Do remember that your clients will be so caught up in their own cycle of negativity, that they
often stop really listening to each other. As listening reduces, so does the level of understanding.
Often clients are not fully aware of their own emotions so it is understandable that they have
little idea about how their partner feels.
If you have a defensive client in front of you, ask them to consider a recent argument that they
may have had and to focus on the feeling that occurred at that time. They should focus on how
their attacking partner makes them feel. Then, once they have the moment fully in their minds,
ask them to clarify how thoughts and emotions during this negative cycle of attack and
defensiveness - as in the examples below:
I am terrified that I will lose you
I believe I have failed
I feel like a naughty child
I just want to get away
Once the defensive partner has finished, as previously, they should sit and discuss with each
other. Once again, these revelations may be totally new to the other person. They should then
discuss how difficult it may have been to participate in these activities and to be open and honest
about it. This can start the positive connection through communication.
Those individuals who favour the attacking role will usually believe that they have good reason
to do so. Although they may often feel that they appear aggressive and not very pleasant through
the eyes of others, inside, there are unresolved disagreements that makes them react. It can be
useful for the partner who plays the defensive role to recognise how the other feels feel in the
midst of an argument when the partner is verbally attacking them. They should zone in on this
the moment that the argument begins. The following are a few indicators as to the defensive
partner’s viewpoints during that time:
I hear his/her voice getting louder and louder
I see his/her finger pointing directly at me
His/her tone tells me that………………………….
The defensive partner should then make a note of their feelings during the argument. For
example:
I know that my partner is angry with me
I feel that my partner cannot possibly love me
I think my partner is tired with me
Afterwards, ask both clients to discuss what they have learned about the other and you act as the
mediator.
Because habits can become instinctive (even negative ones) try to ensure that the attacking
partner does not become openly upset or aggressive during these discussions. To be able to
progress, both clients must be able to talk civilly and to be honest in their discussions.
Remember: People often stop listening to each other and this leads toward misunderstandings or
not feeling loved.
You can see how using this EFT technique can help bring a great deal of awareness not just to
the attacking partner but for the defensive partner too.
Each client should be able to have their say and to write notes explaining how these conflicting
sessions make them feel. This is the perfect lead-in toward an honest discussion.
It’s true that a great many couples fail to talk about their primary emotions because it is hard for
them to open up and share revealing their true vulnerability. It can be hard for them to strip their
feelings bare and so most will stay wrapped up in their secondary emotional responses. However,
as we have previously noted, these responses actually push the individual way. When there is a
great deal of arguing, the client must start to appreciate that the partner potentially has to work
hard to even continue, staying within this conflicting zone, let alone being able to see the raw
emotion underneath. Try to clarify that it is the raw emotion that will enable them to see and feel
a situation as it truly is.
Module Five
Self-Assessment Test
Task:
What are the four negative aspects of conflict?
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Module Six
Working Together
Once couples identify their roles within the conflict, they start to see regular patterns and this
makes it easier to identify new methods for overcoming their distress. From an outsider looking
in, it is far easier to recognise these patterns than when embroiled within a difficult situation, as
they can only think about their situation as it is. As the counsellor, your aim will be to begin to
slow down these patterns of behaviour and to help your clients identify them on an individual
level as well as realizing these patterns as a couple. Once the clients begin to work together, they
are able to make changes.
Awareness is a great asset and enables your clients to take a step back and to achieve a
dispassionate viewpoint regarding their situation. They will also note that their constant arguing
or even silent treatment behaviour has evolved and escalated, but they may not understand why.
In addition, quite often neither client will be really aware of their defined role within the
relationship. It’s important to specify that irrespective of the patterns, neither partner is better or
worse than the other.
All patterns are neutral.
Although the reasons for the conflict may be hidden initially, through regular counselling and
ever-increasing awareness it can gradually come to light and then be identified. Steady
progression usually follows with the exposure of the more vulnerable emotions and this is a
healthy step forward. Once these vulnerabilities start to emerge, it makes it easier to get to the
core emotions and for your clients to begin to empathise with each other. From this, it is
possible to break down those negative patterns and to develop new positive ones.
Guilt often occurs at this stage. They start to blame themselves – believing that they are
responsible for the conflict. It is important to note that both partners have to be treated equally
and there is little point finding fault in one rather than the other. Ultimately, there is little use
going back and forth trying to take or point the finger of blame. Replaying old patterns will not
help and they will only end up disconnecting from each other completely.
As much as the clients have equal say in how they argue or disconnect, they also play a part in
either maintaining or developing their connection to. In a nutshell, the relationship is the issue
but it can also become the positive. To overcome any argument patterns, both need to stand
together united to overcome these issues. Clients may be surprised by how much easier it is to
overcome any problems that exist within the relationship when they understand why and how
and decide to work together.
Pursuing partners
If one of your clients is a pursuing partner, you can help to slow them down so they become
aware of their behaviours. The other partner should also vocalise it as in the examples below:
I think we may be slipping into our old negative pattern, what you think?
Withdrawing partners
If you have a withdrawing partner as a client, the following are suggestions will help them to
become aware and for their partner to vocalise:
I feel that I want to withdraw. How can I stop? what can we do differently?
Or…
I’m feeling overwhelmed by feelings. Let’s agree to stop this at the moment so that we can
defuse this pattern.
Once clients make a commitment to notice the pattern and to move away from it with awareness,
you will find that their progression towards controlling their relationship problems is continuous.
Instead of their considering that their partner is the enemy, they realise that their partner has
simply become caught up in the negative situation in the same way. It can be useful if both
partners recognise the others behavioural type so to help slow down and calm the situation. The
more that this technique of slowing down and calming each other is practiced, the better will
their internal compass be developed. Soon, instead of clients warring, you will hear them say that
they feel closer and understand each other more. Keep reminding them of how good the
sensation of togetherness feels and how it is achievable.
Living in a volatile relationship is unhealthy for anyone and because emotions are linked with
the nervous system, it’s no surprise that they are physically felt. We know that the signals sent
via the emotions - are experienced instantly and although, a great many people are taught to
ignore their emotions, by doing so, they miss out on key information.
If you think back to an earlier module, we know that the emotions start in the brain, and the
signal transmits throughout the nervous system. It is twice as fast as the thought processes. To be
able to fully understand, it is vital to tune into the primary emotion i.e. the vulnerable aspect.
Then, once the client has time to think/reflect, it is possible to link the primary emotion along
with the thought processes and this is an ideal balanced state. When emotions are linked to
negative patterns, the emotion overwhelms the thought processes. Where there are secondary
reactive emotions, it’s almost impossible for couples to remain calm.
People think that the primary emotions lead towards an unhealthy response in times of stress but
in actual fact, the opposite is true because it is the secondary reactive emotions that cause the
problems. Do remember that the primary emotions are those early warning signals. Because
people do not like being in touch with their inner emotions, often these vulnerable emotions are
pushed to the side.
When couples struggle to get in touch with primary emotions, direct them to the physical
feelings experienced when they recall an unhappy time in their relationship – that of an argument
or, if they have heard something unpleasant from or about their partner. You will find that some
clients state the emotions are experienced in their shoulders, their stomachs or even in the chest
area. Just by connecting with these physical symptoms, they take an important step towards
overcoming any issues.
There is no doubt that patterns of conflict can become established quickly and develop a volatile
existence all of its own. Every negative response that occurs simply reinforces all of the ones yet
to come. Sometimes, the simplest of behaviours may become negative patterns but once your
clients have been able to gain a unique insight into their fighting styles and understand their
responses, it is far easier to walk them through these conflicting patterns together. The key to
success is being able to take a right turn out of the conflicting pattern before the arguments
become destructive. Once both are aware of the destructive elements, they are able to analyse the
cost of conflict. Arguments and disagreements can easily be overcome but if they consistently
increase, over a period of time these exchanges can become far more negative and hate-fuelled.
This will only erode the relationship. It takes an intuitive person to recognise when those feelings
of conflict have gone one step too far.
Destructive conflict should be determined:
When clients spend days ignoring each other or refuse to talk
When clients indulge in personal attacks and this includes name calling or using bad
language at each other
When clients are so aggressive that the other feels unsafe or arguments grow out of
control
When either couple threatens divorce
It is so easy for even the most loving of couples to become lost in the myriad of complexities and
negative energies and if they are not able to disengage, the relationship goes downhill quickly.
When emotional disengagement occurs, it simply means that these conflicting patterns have been
allowed to continue for far too long. If you can depict any warning signs, it is possible to prevent
disengagement:
Withdrawing from the partner
Agreeing, but only to save hassle
Trying to avoid the partner etc.
There is often a deep sigh of relief once patterns have been recognised because with knowledge
and awareness comes the possibility of overcoming the issues. Clients need to keep in mind that
resolution increases if they can identify physical symptoms with primary responses. By doing so,
this gives an insight not into their own emotions but a greater potential for understanding their
partners as well. Within counselling, once fighting styles and roles have been discovered, it is far
easier to hit the brakes and bring the conflict rollercoasters to a halt.
Research into couple conflict highlights the fact that those relationships which are able to
observe and exit their patterns have far more positive results. When couples work together, they
begin to repair their bond.
Hearing hurt
When couples connect with their primary emotion, they are far more likely to remain connected
to the relationship generally as well as to each other. It becomes instinctive. The message gained
from the primary emotion really can help couples to connect when it matters. When you consider
that pattern conflict often comes to light through disappointment, inner fears or even
misunderstanding, it’s all too easy to become defensive. As a result, both partners may say things
designed to hurt the other. Although these reactions are in a way, instinctively automatic, they
will only undermine the relationship foundations. By contrast, when both partners start to listen,
conflict lessens.
When clients listen for hurt, it means deciphering all the signals of any underlying emotions. If
the familiar tug of the conflict pattern begins to rev up, it indicates that there is also a threat to
the emotional level. Instead of reacting, the clients need to tune into those primary and secondary
emotions identifying the physiological responses.
If a couple can listen to each other and are able to hear the other’s pain, it can promote healing.
This works especially well when neither partner has really understood the situation from the
other’s viewpoint but when they can stand facing each other, looking deeply into each other’s
eyes during these vulnerable moments, healing can take place at an incredible level. Emotional
pain can be so intense that for many people, it is masked and hidden when in the midst of an
argument. Ask your clients to consider how they guard their pain. Once they can locate their pain
and see how they deal with it, their partner can start to understand them more. They can take it in
turns to discuss this.
You know that you are on the right track with your clients when they are able to look at their
conflict pattern as a whole and to discuss it together. Instead of seeing it as overwhelming, they
see the pattern merely as an obstacle and by joining forces, it is one that they can overcome. It is
true to say that understanding any pattern will begin with the individual’s personal and unique
experiences. This is why it is so important for each individual to fully understand the elements of
the conflict pattern i.e. the layers which make up the whole and this includes the emotional
experience, fighting style and the go to role. They will have a far better understanding of what it
is, how it happens and then can share this experience with their partner.
Quite often partners have very different experiences within the same relationship.
In addition, couples may find it difficult to even agree with their partner about the relationship.
So the same conflict can have two very unique sides. As the counsellor, you have to encourage
your clients to look inside their own experience. The more that the couple is able to talk, the
abler they are to gain a unique insight into the other. Irrespective of the situation, the best way to
begin to change an emotional experience is to accept it. It is not about fighting to overcome it but
merely understanding what it is. By doing so, clients start to create more space for their feelings
so that they can be felt and then understood.
Vulnerability
Once couples begin to tune into their emotions, they start to move further away from conflicting
scenes. It isn’t a case of simply acknowledging their own personal pain but to know their
partner’s too. Understanding how a situation affects the partner and developing compassion for
them, invites in more positive experiences rather than the same old negative ones. By opening up
their personal experiences regarding any issues, they start to shape their future in a more positive
way.
Those clients on a pursing role may feel:
Hurt
Unappreciated
Isolated
Desperate
Alone or even feel abandoned
Those partners who withdraw feel:
Inadequate
Fearful of failure
Frozen
Overwhelmed
Rejected
Naming the pattern
It may sound odd but sometimes clients have found naming the pattern helps them to deal with it.
They may call it the enemy or, the vicious cycle. This can then become a trigger/alert when the
pattern begins. This enables them to react differently than if dealing with an unknown threat.
Practical task
It can be useful to try the following visual task when couples need to name their pattern. They
take a piece of paper and draw one line down the middle. The first partner maps out the pattern
as they see it on one side of the paper (one side of the line) and then the other side is given to the
partner to complete.
Mapping out the ‘go to role’
Once the clients have divided the sheet of paper into two columns. They then write in the top of
the left column, focusing on what they want to do and what they see when the conflict pattern
commences. They must look at the beginning, the middle and the end of the argument, so as to
gain a comprehensive idea about the pattern. As they consider this, they should write down
examples. It works well if they can give two examples for each section i.e. the beginning, middle
and end. Then they should consider how their actions change during the conflict.
Each individual should speak for themselves and should not fill in the side of the paper
designated for the partner. At the bottom of the page, they should describe the actions that signal
the end of the pattern and how they are able to respond to this signal. They can discuss this
together ensuring that they have captured the essence of the pattern in its entirety.
Mapping underlying emotions
Take a new sheet of paper and divide into two columns once more, write your ‘go to role’ at the
top of the left column. It is then important for each client to fill in their thoughts regarding what
happens within them individually during those times of conflict.
They should then consider the following statements:
When I’m ………………………. I’m feeling……………………
(This could be when I’m shouting, I’m feeling deep fear)
They should then think about their partner’s actions and choose one that may be distressing to
them.
When my partner is……………………., I feel……………………………
(when my partner is angry and shouts, I feel afraid and withdraw)
When both have completed this task, they should review it with each other.
Understanding the emotional logic that serves to impact or even shape any coping responses,
your clients can begin to see with a renewed perspective and acknowledge their own actions and
those of their partner. As the counsellor using EFT, you must see the pattern as the enemy and
enable the couples to do so too. After all, the relationship is the client and any negative patterns
therefore have to be the core issue. By framing this scenario, it gives the clients a chance to work
together to overcome behavioural patterns that are destructive.
Understanding why partners pursue or withdraw
There is a need for safety - when a partner instinctively withdraws from the other, it is only to
protect themselves from a situation that feels unsafe. When they have taken a step back,
retreated, they are able to assess the situation from a calmer perspective.
To prevent a situation - escalating-partners who withdraw may seem disinterested and
unwilling to try to improve the relationship but often their attempts are to stabilise it. By taking a
step back, they have created space between them to count down the emotions and hopefully
reconnect.
Sounding the alarm - the pursuing partner often demonstrates the loss of any emotional contact
vocally. They try to draw attention to the problem and really are crying out for help and support.
When someone withdraws, they simply pursue harder and louder.
Fighting for connection - pursuing clients will reach out for their partners often in a desperate
manner. They try not to feel isolated but fear being alone. They may come across as being
aggressive or desperate when really this is an emotional appeal.
Module Six
Self-Assessment Task
Task:
Explain the goals of pursuing partners
Task:
Explain the goals of withdrawal partners
Task:
Try out the techniques stated within this module to ensure that you have full understanding of the
techniques.
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Module Seven
Withdrawing and Pursuing
We have mentioned previously about the behaviours of withdrawing and pursuing and although
they are self-explanatory, as a counsellor, it is important to perhaps glimpse behind the scenes of
these behaviours.
Withdrawing
Withdrawing is often an instinctive response and your client may not realise that they do this. In
the main, they are withdrawing from the intensity of the emotions experienced but also, as a way
of shutting out their partner. Emotions and behaviours are complex so it’s not as defined a
behaviour as this but the act of withdrawing brings its own set of frustrations to a relationship. It
will certainly be difficult for the partner to understand or even to relate to this situation and they
will no doubt feel a sense of helplessness. We’ve established that withdrawing can be for selfprotection and being subjected to a constant barrage of questions or arguments may deplete their
energy levels completely. Although it is understandable, it’s not always conducive to the health
of the relationship.
If your client can learn to tune into the pain caused by their actions, they will be in a far better
place to control or avoid it. This is one area that this type of client can work on - developing
feelings of empathy and trying to view the situation with renewed perspective.
There are always two sides to the same story. The act of withdrawing or pursuing are two
opposing behaviours that rarely meet in the middle and in the same way that the withdrawer
needs to have a new perspective on their situation, so does the pursuer.
Both clients must understand and be in touch with their own emotional pain and be able to listen
to those key primary signals. This is essential before they can understand anyone else’s feelings.
There is a line of thought that those who withdraw emotionally must be introverted characters
but in fact, the opposite can be true. They can be sociable, talkative and outgoing and yet still
withdraw on an emotional level if pressured. It may happen in times of conflict and arguments
but can equally happen in moments of intimacy. This is more common than people realise.
For the individual who withdraws, it can be very difficult for them to tune into their primary
emotions. Even more so, if they have to share these emotions with their partner.
Fear
In respect of this behaviour, fears are often as a result of their own insecurities or may be centred
upon the partner. Remember that these actions - instinctive or not, will have built up over a
period of time and the distance between the partners may have increased over time. If you ask
your client about their fears, they may deny that any exist but probe further and you may find
that their fears have been squashed down or ignored. A critical comment may bring these fears
rising rapidly. What does the withdrawing person do? They switch off, step back, unwilling to
face these deep emotions.
If a withdrawing individual has fears that are connected with the partner this may include:
Being afraid of rejection
Being afraid that they are not good enough
Being afraid of failing
Being afraid of failing sexually
Being afraid of not meeting expectations etc.
From this perspective, you can see that there is a very common theme running throughout and
often the individual may feel less than confident in themselves and constantly fears that they are
not what the partner needs. When you discuss this with your clients, the pursuing partner may be
shocked to discover that some of these fears may be present. In their eyes, withdrawing from the
relationship only showed that the partner did not care about it. This may be the exact opposite of
the feelings experienced but actions speak louder than words.
There will always be emotions present
beneath the surface and for some
individuals, these emotions are complex
and entangled.
It is only when these fears are faced through communication and through understanding can the
withdrawing individual move away from this negative cycle. So some withdrawers are not just
frightened that their partner finds them lacking but that anyone could find them lacking. This is a
classic example of how low self-esteem is present.
There may be some primary emotions buried deep inside which have not been explored.
Practical task
It’s very hard for anyone in this category of behaviours to face up to their primary emotions and
to try and translate the messages attached. Set your withdrawing clients some homework which
should be completed within a few days or over a seven-day period. They should have some time
alone and imagine themselves facing the day-to-day situations – arguing, friction, tension etc.
and visualise this leading up to the moment of withdrawal. At this moment, clients should ask
themselves what fears lurk beneath and to listen to their body and to feel the experience. Often
the fears rise to the surface and with emotional maturity, the individual can spend enough time
with them to understand. They should then write down these fears. Once they are committed to
paper, they are ready to move onto the next step and this means to ascertain the message attached
to those primary emotions.
If you remember primary emotions are important and they contain the message as to what is
really needed. When someone is fearful, it can have a paralysing effect and certainly block this
message from being read. Once the fears are brought out into the light and named, the client can
then move forward and truly listen to the message relayed by the primary emotion. It’s all too
easy for fear to overpower but usually when faced, it’s far less troublesome than is imagined.
Those clients who withdraw usually need one or more of the following:
Reassurance that their partner will not leave
Reassurance that they are loved
Understanding that they are overwhelmed by anger
Understanding that they are facing up to their fears
An appreciation for their hard work
Patience
Empathy
Reassurance that they are good partners etc.
Reasons will vary and when talking to your client, they may confirm other requirements too.
This list does indicate the essential needs however and your client may admit to one or more of
them which can then be worked upon so to build up their confidence and to overcome their
instinct to withdraw.
Another technique useful for the person who withdraws is for them to write down what they
believe their needs are. They can link their needs to their fears and consider which ones are the
most relevant and this can be discussed in the counselling session.
Pursuing
We’ve taken an in-depth look at the withdrawer in the relationship but typically there is often
one person who withdraws and one person who pursues in a relationship. The pursuer may not
even realise that they do so, it may be an automatic response as a result of their partner turning
away from them and it may be relevant to the emotions experienced. If you can help the pursuer
to understand and begin to recognise these emotions, they can start to change these pattern
Once your client is aware of his/her pursuing tactics, they need to:
1. Understand how they act and why
2. Put themselves in the shoes of the partner then understanding how their actions make the
partner feel.
As much as a withdrawer feels hurt or afraid, a pursuer does too.
Your client must look inside themselves – especially when they are in the midst of a pursuing
action. This will not be easy but awareness will be very revealing. If they find themselves unable
to do so, you can have them re-enact their disagreement within the session. They may feel
reluctant initial but if you have created a safe environment, this may bring lots of issues to light.
By tapping into the primary emotions - it is possible to create long-lasting change. The pursuer
must experience the primary emotional state to translate the message but also to progress forward
towards a healthier way of life.
Emotional states
If the relationship is particularly volatile, your clients may find themselves arguing a lot. For a
pursuer, when the partner withdraws, this is like a red flag to the bull and they may feel
Unloved
Unimportant
Sad
Angry
Alone
Abandoned
Stupid
Incomplete etc.
Once the client begins to recognise their primary emotional state while pursuing, it enables them
to gradually slow down the experience and to really experience what is happening internally.
Remember that secondary emotions only fuel negative reactions and so the primary emotional
state is the one to aim for.
Practical task
Ask the pursuing client to reflect on the list given in this module and to then consider a
disagreement or argument that they have had with their partner recently. They must then re-enter
their emotional state and try to recreate the whole experience of pursuing ready for when the
partner starts to withdraw. The client should tune into the physical experience rather than the
words associated with it. On a physical level, where does the client feel the reaction? They
should write this down.
It’s hard for the withdrawal to understand that the pursuer can feel hurt too. The pursuer in fact
may not even realise the depth of their emotion but once they do and are able to connect more
with their partner, a new level of understanding can be achieved. The client must understand that
by reacting in the main to the secondary emotion - anger, frustration etc. this usually is
instrumental in pushing the withdrawing partner way. It’s more important that they reveal those
more vulnerable emotions that of fear and emotional pain which draws the partner to them rather
than pushing them away.
Although this may not happen initially or indeed every time, it is worth noting that when both
start to sense a vulnerability within each other and begin to trust this to be genuine, they will
naturally gravitate towards each other.
Fear only keeps the relationship on a downward spiral and so by working through fears rather
than squashing or blocking them, it will at least enable both to understand each other and to
make healthier decisions as a result. It may be easy to talk about overcoming fears but it’s worth
recognising that fear is very powerful. Like most people, your clients may instinctively wish to
move away from the sensation of fear as soon as they begin to feel it. It’s not the most appealing
of sensations and many people don’t really know how to deal with these fears once they occur.
Explain to your clients that when they react to fear, they only switch off the message and so it is
far more important to become in touch with their fears, learning about it rather than short
circuiting it.
Within relationships, fear generally falls into the following two categories:
Fears about themselves
Fears about the partner
These fears are typically interlinked. If we look at the fears over the partner, we can see that:
They are worried that they are not loved as much in return
That their partner may prefer someone different
That their partner will leave them
That the partner does not find them attractive
Fear often runs through most relationships and one person may always be more insecure than
another, but when fears escalate it can do untold damage to a relationship. From a pursuer’s point
of view, their partner may not have any idea that these fears exist. In fact, pursuers can often
seem quite aggressive and determined and so this doesn’t naturally link to fear. Of course, what
is seen in the midst of an argument is emotional intensity and so the fear and primary emotions
are hidden.
In addition to having fears about their partners, sometimes pursuers also worry that there is
something wrong with them. They may not speak about it but inside, it can be a fear that nags
away at them and one that keeps coming back. They may even secretly blame themselves for the
relationship difficulties. This is known as a negative view of self.
Blame is pointless and will not help the relationship at all. It is only through the pursuer opening
up about their feelings, can progress be made.
Common fears include:
Feeling blame
Feeling deficient
Feeling a failure
Feeling stupid
Feeling inferior
Feeling unlovable
Your clients may list other fears and it can be a useful exercise to ask any clients to list their
deepest relationship fears.
Pursuing partners often need one or more of the following:
Reassurance that they are loved
Reassurance that the partner is not going to give up on them
A reminder as to what their partner loves about them
Facing Fears
The clients must become aware that it is not enough just to recognise their own intimate fears,
instead they have to take the plunge and be able to communicate these feelings directly with their
partner. When there is little trust and support between the two, this is a big ask. It’s important
that they reach out whilst they are experiencing their fears – a time when they are most
vulnerable. Each individual will have their own fears but they are usually linked to their partner
and because of this, if the partner can listen, accept and even reassure them that their fears are
actually incorrect, this can go a long way towards helping these client progress.
For the withdrawer, it is vital that they face up to their fears and learn to recognise their needs
and they may need to revisit the lists that have been published in this in these modules.
From the withdrawal perspective, fear can occur in an instant and only takes a particular tone of
voice or raised voice that brings the fear alive. We’ve already specified that fear can actually
block the primary emotion but it can also prevent the withdrawer from having a reconciliation
with their partner. Fear can be paralysing and will stunt the new tender feelings of love and
affection.
Within your counselling role, you will see a lot of people who withdraw and who have to
overcome their fears. It takes courage to change behaviours and to help clients through this
transition. Instead of shutting down the feeling, stop whatever is going on and pay attention to
that primary emotion.
Recovery starts in earnest once clients are able to tune into and to listen to their emotions and
they will start developing a greater insight as to why they act in a particular way. Those who
seem quite calm have usually side-stepped or switched off from their emotions. Inside however,
there may be a writing mass of emotion and this is certainly not healthy. Communicating fears
to each other is a crucial step and you may find that the partner who typically withdraws is
usually the first one to face their fears. Once the withdrawing partner opens up, this can help to
convince the pursuing partner that they can do so too.
Any reluctance initially may be because they have spent much time chasing their partner for a
reaction only to see them withdraw. They need proof of change before facing their own fears.
Note: A pursuing partner finds it very easy to voice their disapproval and may be ultra-critical.
When you see the withdrawing partner doing their best to face their fears head-on, try offering
support, so that the pursuing partner does the same.
From a pursuing perspective, there will come a time when they reach the point of stopping trying
to get a positive reaction and give up, disconnecting from them. It may seem a long back way to
relationship bliss but it can be done. Emphasise the need for both clients to dig deep and be
prepared to expose their vulnerabilities. Fear must be faced.
Each client must listen to their own fears – linking
to their primary emotions and then ascertain where
in the body fear is held.
In a safe environment, guide your clients through these open communications leading them into
their fears and out the other side. With these raw emotions exposed, often the partners can
comfort each other and at the very least, start forming respect for the others bravery.
Opening up
Opening up emotionally is difficult but you can guide the clients through the following – holding
this moment for a minute, two minutes and beyond so they become used to closeness. (Note this
depends on the clients. You must take an intuitive decision here)
Ensure the clients are seated and facing each other.
They should maintain eye contact
They must look directly at each other and not turn away
They must breathe regularly – not holding the breath because feeling uncomfortable
Their focus should be on the breath
They must not get defensive
They must stay in the moment and pay attention
This simple, short exercise helps them to re-connect for a few moments and to be in the moment
together. They can also try this at home.
Module Seven
Self-Assessment Task
Task:
Consider the implications of withdrawing in a relationship, what are the potential causes?
Task:
Consider the thoughts and actions of the pursuer, how could you get through to someone who
drives forward in a seemingly pursuing manner within a relationship and who is confrontational
in the hopes of a reaction?
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Module Eight
Overcoming Blocks
It’s important to establish a safe environment for your clients right from the start and this means
building rapport, listening to them and developing an open and honest relationship so they feel
secure enough to talk about their biggest fears or private thoughts. Always explain in full that
emotionally focused therapy is all about working on ‘the relationship’ and therefore, the client is
actually the relationship. There is no blame towards any individual, just all working towards a
resolution.
As they progress, the security and safety foundations within their relationship should also
increase. This alone allows them to begin to listen and to really hear each other. Occasionally,
you will find that this progress is hindered a little if the ways blocked through one client’s
experiences of pain or even if both are fighting against internal insecurities. Although this course
provides you with in-depth information as to techniques and processes, you must also learn to
trust your own instinct and be able to read your clients’. Some techniques may not work for
some.
You will find that because people are so complex, you may have to amend your approach. Some
clients’ need action and will buy into the use of techniques and homework, others will want to be
hand-held throughout and some just need to talk and release all their internal angst. Although
you may have seen a dramatic improvement in your clients over a period of weeks, you may be
aware that they are still clutching to their personal reasons for not expressing their vulnerability
and this is often because of past experiences. Many relationships will have blocks in place and
unless they are worked through, these blocks will remain a constant hindrance to any future
closeness. In the early stages, it is important that you start the communication flowing and you
may then be able to sit back and listen establishing what is going on and where the blocks are.
Note: Your clients are likely to have different viewpoints. They are not lying about any given
situation but their perspectives may be opposing. Initially just talking about the stumbling blocks
is a first step toward overcoming these barriers. As the counsellor, you can help your clients to
work through each stage of conflict.
Shame is often present.
While this may depict that a client’s behaviour has been unacceptable, the individual may simply
feel it as embarrassment. It can also relate to their feeling unaccepted within the relationship.
Feelings are after all rather complex.
These sorts of feelings can create blocks. In addition, it can rapidly lead toward isolation and
withdrawal. Throughout the sessions, you must keep an eye on your clients’ body language,
when feelings of shame are present, you may see that eye contact is fluctuating and often broken
as one partner starts to feel self-conscious and avoids communicating with the partner. Shane can
often be used as a block too, in the same way that others people hide behind layers of armour.
Shane can complicate the relationship interfering with the pattern and the emotions. Your clients
may be some consciously desperate to hide elements mainly through fear but eventually, all they
are left with is isolation.
Here are some indicators that shame may be present:
A tendency to avoid eye contact
Blushing
Unable to connect
Self-conscious
Socially withdrawn
Looking away
Controlling
Feeling inferior
Feeling insecure
Feeling stupid
Denying
When there are one or more of these actions, it can lead towards inferiority, feeling alienated or
lead towards self-doubt.
In addition, secondary emotions in connection with shame, can be related to self-criticism and
rejection. In many ways, shame is similar to feelings of guilt. When you look at guilt, it may be
that the individual has violated their morals or values, broken rules or rebelled against expected
behaviours. Guilt can be corrected but it is worth noting that some clients may turn their guilt
into shame. This happens through self-blame. Those clients who experience shame may be
anxious and worried about possible rejection. They may be perfectionists.
You may also note that they seek approval and this is because they have a negative view of self
and as a coping strategy, this simply escalates these negative views.
Shame can be harsh and critical and there may be feelings of contempt or discussed. As a
counsellor, you may need to dig deep into their relationship history so as to find relevant clues as
to where the shame has occurred. Although EFT in relationship counselling focuses very much
on the present, it is worth noting that any negative experiences in childhood may have also
resulted in feelings of being unaccepted or even unwanted. Parents have been known to shame
their children perhaps labelling them unlovable, selfish or stupid. Unfortunately, these messages
- endorsed throughout childhood may fester and still develop into adulthood.
Shame may also be associated with depression.
Shame is such a strong negative emotion that it can serve to block out any other painful
emotions. Part of the counselling process will be to work through these feelings, allowing shame
to come into the light, helping to transform them. Change can only occur if the individual is able
to acknowledge and accept these feelings moving beyond them. Firstly, you must allow for their
sense of pain and possibly, of being broken. They may be using shame as protection for their
vulnerability overriding any feelings of rejection or abandonment.
Facing fears
The clients must accept their feelings of hope or helplessness as they release control and start to
trust their partner again. By allowing the pain to emerge, it cleanses and loses its power, it also
enables the client to begin to work through other emotions. In time, the client can view their pain
far more clearly and can see how they have managed to block out any emotional pain. When they
can see that shame acts as a distraction, they are able to let go of this and start to take control of
their life. Although shame is a negative response, by letting go of it, new areas of vulnerability
rise ready to be healed. This can be a slow process for the individual.
Nobody wants to experience deep feelings of pain but by expressing these emotions, it helps the
clients to develop a greater sense of perspective and to also understand your own connection to
the pain that has been holding you back. By working through it all, the client may begin to
develop a renewed awareness increasing their sense of value and self-worth. Because feelings of
shame turned the client away from the people that was most important to them i.e. their partner,
by sharing these broken elements of self, their partner is able to see them in a new light too.
Once their relationship is safer and more secure or, they can both be responsive to any painful
memories, your role as a therapist is to address these feelings are shame helping them to face up
to their fears of intimate intimacy and being prepared to take risks and accepting in any new
degrees of vulnerability.
It is worth noting that there should be no judgement made about someone who feel shameful
because this individual will have very good reasons for using shame as a shield. Because the
counselling session is a safe environment, it is possible then for clients to work through any
negative elements aware that there is not judgment.
Remember that:
Fear and hopelessness may be visibly present
Shame and fear go hand-in-hand
It takes strength to overcome shame
Acceptance is the building block of future safety and security
There are some circumstances which may be very difficult for clients to overcome even through
using a resource such as EFT. You may discover that there are underlying issues which have not
previously been mentioned and ones that can hinder progress. This includes a breach of trust or
abandonment or where the past actions of one partner have been linked to relational betrayal and
attachment injuries.
Attachment injuries - traumas that impact the ongoing relationship. They can be used to
ascertain whether the partner may still be trusted and to the level of trust awarded. Unless these
attachment injuries are addressed, deeper trust will not occur. They may also be in relation to
where a relationship changed. Certainly an affair is an obvious breach of trust.
When these issues come to light, you can use the following as a checklist to help gain more
information:
Did you both discuss the situation and if so what was the result?
Does this situation ever crop up in your conversation or arguments?
Are there still unresolved feelings as a result and how might these feelings affect the
relationship?
What action was taken to help strengthen trust within the relationship afterwards?
What action might be taken in the future to help improve trust within the relationship?
Attachment injuries are not easy to resolve because one of the partners is the source and the
solution in respect of emotional pain. Many people in these types of situations will choose to not
trust again and they do this purely to help manage their insecurities. Certainly you may find that
a couple will develop secondary emotional responses around these hurtful events and this can
make it almost impossible for them to move beyond the situation. They may not even be able to
talk about it.
The following is a list of attachment injuries which you are likely to see:
The partner was absent during the birth of a child
The partner was absent following the death of a child or family member
The partner had an affair
The partner was absent during a time of illness etc.
When we talk of a partner’s absence it can
be physical or emotional.
In a relationship, it is important that there are strong foundations and the partners can rely on
each other. This means physically and emotionally. When one partner does not provide the full
care and support needed, the primary emotion left is one of fear or abandonment. In addition, an
attachment injury can break down any assumptions that may have been held about the partner.
Often the partner who has been emotionally hurt, may develop the following symptoms:
Avoidance and numbing
These are self-protective responses which serve to create emotional distance in the relationship
Hyperarousal
This is where the victims of attachment injury may show signs of hyperarousal or vigilance in
respect of protecting themselves in the future
Intrusive memories
This is where the victims of attachment injury experience unwanted memories which can be
painful emotions, actual memories or images which repeat from the past
Protective blocks
Although initially, you will want to find out as much about the couple as possible so to help
them, you may find that attachment injuries only come to light after some progress has been
made. It may be that the clients state that they are experiencing less emotional distress as a result
of therapy but you may feel that their relationship has not grown deeper or, more intimate. Their
body language is aloof, and their words belie their true feelings.
As you try to lead the couple towards taking greater emotional risk, the attachment injuries
come to light. Sometimes, because the injury has not been resolved, one or both may wish to talk
about it. Although communication is important, if there is only one partner who wishes to
discuss the situation and to resolve it, the other (often the injured partner) may feel that nothing
has changed and trust has completely gone. It takes far more than an apology to repair an
attachment injury.
These types of relationship injury should not be dismissed, denied or rationalised.
There are seven important steps which should be learned in respect of resolving attachment
injuries:
Identifying
This may sound common-sense but the first step has to be to name the attachment injury. Your
clients may talk of feeling alone or abandonment or may discuss the feelings associated with a
betrayal. The partner may dismiss or deny the importance or refuse to own these feelings. The
first step to recovery requires the identification – what happened and when. Bring it and all of the
subsequent emotions into the light.
Impact
You have to help your clients have greater clarity in respect of how the attachment injury
impacts their relationship. Opening up their understanding as regards any violation of trust will
help them to become aware how damaged their trust is within the relationship. Then, it’s time to
explore the injured partner’s sense of self-worth and for the offending partner to begin to accept
that this pain exists. Understanding it and facing it will make a difference.
Hear
It is important to understand how the relationship has been impacted and for both partners to
listen and hear the true reality in connection with the situation and the pain experience.
Grieve
The offending partner has to confront the full impact of his or her actions. This is all about
grieving the loss that occurred as a result.
Acknowledgement
The offending partner has to learn to take responsibility for his or her actions and instead of just
apologising, any remorse must be expressed with empathy and to take ownership of the situation.
This isn’t about judgment or blame. It is only by the offending partner being able to provide a
more caring response and trying to protect the partner going forward that trust can be repaired.
Reaching
This is a hard step for the injured partner to take as he or she has to reach out in respect of
comfort and caring. This act exposes their vulnerability.
Response
The offending partner responds to the injured partner and they begin to work through the
attachment injury together. Although it can be painful to discuss, it can open up a new positive
understanding of how it happened and how they can both work their way through it.
Certainly forgiveness is a critical step in rebuilding the relationship and if the injured partner can
extend forgiveness and the offending partner has accepted responsibility, it is easier to let go of
any self-protective responses. Often there is greater commitment to the relationship thereafter
providing these steps can be worked through. Couples are often surprised that the relationship is
more secure afterwards and that although painful mistakes were made, the subsequent recovery
process has actually strengthened their unit and love for each other.
When one partner has an affair, this often spells the end of the relationship.
When there is broken trust, it’s a long way back to a place of love. It depends how determined
both are to move beyond the affair. Some couples do decide to stay together after an affair but in
order for it to work, there are a great many obstacles to overcome and healing can take some
time. Certainly infidelity increases the number of negative emotions experienced. There will be
deception, abandonment, rejection and betrayal to deal with. Many couples will not be able to
work through these intense emotions and find it easier to split up.
Understandably an affair creates an attachment injury. Instead of both partners being able to trust
and turn to each other for support, the injured partner finds that the source of comfort is no
longer there. They feel abandoned and betrayed.
It is very easy for them individually to turn to their coping patterns of behaviour but if both
parties wish to forgive, it requires them to overcome their secondary emotions i.e. anger,
contempt etc. For recovery to take place, both partners have to face up to the reality of the
situation and this means working through those painful emotions.
Support your clients through this time and guide them through the transformation process. In
other words, as the EFT counsellor, you must facilitate change through experience. Emotionally
focused therapy has been used successfully to help couples recover from any infidelities. But it is
important to note that it can only be successful if the affair is well and truly over and both
couples can work towards recovering their feelings.
Module Eight
Self-Assessment Task
Task:
Explain attachment injuries
Please note that these self-assessment tasks are to ensure your understanding of the information
within each module. As such, do not submit them for review with KEW Training Academy.
Final Assessment Paper
Congratulations on completing this professional self-study course on relationship counselling.
We hope that you have found it informative and are ready to embark upon your new career.
Please take time to complete the Final Assessment Paper in full and then send to:
courses@karenewells.co.uk
hello@kewtraining.com
Following satisfactory review, you will be awarded a professional certificate of merit entitling
you to practice.
1. What does EFT stand for?
2. How long are counselling sessions usually?
3. How long do EFT sessions usually continue for?
4. List the four negative aspects of conflict.
5. If emotional abuse is present in a relationship, can you help the clients?
6. Explain primary emotions.
7. What is your aim as a relationship counsellor?
8. What physical symptoms can be experienced as a result of primary emotions?
9. What is meant by fighting styles?
10. Why is naming the pattern so important?
11. Explain secondary emotions.
12. What is meant by instrumental emotion?
13. What is meant by attachment injuries?
14. Clients who withdraw often need what?
15. What are the possible symptoms of shame?
16. List the seven steps required for resolving attachment injuries.
Please take your time with these questions and remember to answer clearly.
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