Instructor’s name: Professor Lynn O’Brien Hallstein
Name: Fiona Chiu
Course: Rhetoric 103
Date: March 20th
Wordcount: 2102
“A Woman is Weak, but a Mother is Strong”1 – Exploring How Societal Expectations Has
Influenced Our Self-Perception and Ways of Thinking
Eight years ago, one evening in an apartment in Beijing, my parents announced to me that I
would no longer be the only child of the family. My mother showed me ultrasound photos of my brother
in her uterus. At the age of six weeks, his body was no larger than the size of a barbie doll, with threadlike
blood vessels visible through the skin. However, many of his male physical features were already
noticeable in the photos. My relatives were overjoyed by my parents’ announcement; within days, my
family received countless gifts including necessities like baby bottles and diapers. My uncle gifted me
with a baby doll playset, with a mini-stroller and mini-baby bottle included. He taught me that the playset
can teach me real-life nurturing skills to prepare for my brother’s birth, allowing me to mirror what a
mother usually does.
Seven months later, my mother delivered my brother at a maternity hospital in central Taipei. My
mother stayed at the hospital for several more days, and the nurse assigned to my mother taught her how
to feed, bathe, and change the diaper of my brother. Although, when my father and I visited my mother,
she only taught us how to clean our hands before holding my brother. This difference in gender-based
caretaking expectations was evident even in a family gathering during my brother’s first-month
celebration. The relatives questioned my mother about how she cared for my brother, but my father was
never asked the same question. My aunt gifted me with a red envelope, a gift with money that is typically
1
Adapted from a Chinese saying: “女子本弱，为母则刚” (a woman is weak, but a mother is strong)
1
given at traditional Chinese celebrations. As she handed the gift to me, she reiterated a Chinese saying:
“An elder sister is like a mother.”2 My aunt’s approach can be explained by the social role theory, that
women are viewed as being primarily responsible for caregiving tasks.3 The differences in caretaking
expectations were gradually showing their impact on my mother’s approach to my brother, where she
would always voluntarily take the most caretaking responsibility. My mother’s behavior was also exerting
an invisible, formative influence on me. On public occasions, I would intentionally take the dominant role
in caring for my brother; by asking to feed or clean him. However, later on in life, I realized that I was
purposely dedicating extra effort to taking care of my brother to satisfy the public perception of an ideal
elder sister. I realized that I was dedicated to caring for my brother to gain self-worth by meeting the
societal expectations in the patriarchal society that I live in.
My grandfather believed that the birth of my brother would bring good fortune, as in Chinese
tradition, a girl followed by the birth of a boy assembles the Chinese character “hao”, meaning “good” as
it assembles two characters “nü (female)” and “zi (son)”. I asked my grandmother who took Gender
studies at National Taiwan University about the origin of the character “hao”. She told me that in the past,
women were often considered burdens to the family, as they lack physical strength which prevented them
from doing agricultural work. However, after a woman conceived a son, her familial status would
increase dramatically. Hence, a woman would be expected to be the dominant caretaker of her son.
Women had this expectation both to meet the societal expectation in a patriarchal society, and to maintain
their function as the primary caretaker for their children. Thus, in a patriarchal culture, a woman’s selfperception and self-value are highly based on the quality of caretaking she gives, where she nurtures her
children as a method to prove her self-worth through a tireless devotion to her offspring like a servant.
Hence, is a woman’s self-worth only proven by her selflessness instead of her desires and aspiration?
Adapted from the first half of a Chinese saying: “长姐如母，长兄如父” (an elder sister is like a mother,
an elder brother is like a father)
3
Swinkels, Joukje, Theo van Tilburg, Ellen Verbakel, and Marjolein Broese van Groenou, “Explaining the
Gender Gap in the Caregiving Burden of Partner Caregivers”, The Journals of Gerontology: Series B 74, no. 2, 2019
2
2
A mother’s life in patriarchy is characterized by her constant state of exhaustion.4 According to
the “Journal of Clinical Nursing”, 46.5% of women spend more than 10 hours a day with their child,
whereas only 15.3% of men spend the same amount of time. 5 This patriarchal societal structure is
reinforced by the production and propagation of an idealized image on what it means to be a mother,6
which expects mothers to wholeheartedly devote all their time and energy to their children. This societal
expectation has penetrated every aspect of a woman’s life from a young age, meaning women born in the
first half of the twentieth century have learned to nurture and care from childhood on.7 The mothers’
behaviors and attitudes toward childcare are also likely to influence their daughters, like how my mother
has influenced me into thinking that being an ideal caretaker would allow me to be perceived as an ideal
sister by society. Hence, mothers would rather be in a state of exhaustion by excessively taking care of
their children than be undervalued by society. Does it not seem unusual and against human nature, that
mothers would rather sacrifice their interests to satisfy societal expectations of an ideal mother? Shall we
question why we are obsessively trying to meet societal expectations even when it means leaving us in a
constant state of exhaustion? How has this obsession with societal expectations influenced how we
perceive ourselves? More importantly, why do we perceive ourselves based on how society perceives us?
Sociology may help us to answer these questions.
Whenever I thought of my mother’s dilemma, I was reminded of how my father and I also lived
under this constant state of exhaustion to meet societal expectations. For instance, during my senior year
in high school, I desired to attend a prestigious college. I would set out a long list of “dream colleges” on
my Common App, not because I actually liked these schools, but solely because my parents and
instructors told me that I will become successful after attending them. After getting rejected by all my
4
Preme-Tazi, Irene Mariam, “Unveiling Patriarchal Motherhood”, Canadian Woman Studies 34, no. 1-2,
2020
5
Maroto Navarro, Gracia, Guadalupe Pastor-Moreno, Ricardo Ocaña-Riola, Vivian Benítez-Hidalgo,
María del García-Calvente, María del Gutiérrez-Cuadra, María T Gijón-Sánchez, María del Río-Lozano, and Jorge
Marcos-Marcos. “Male and Female Involvement in the Birth and Child-Rearing Process.” Journal of Clinical
Nursing 22, no. 21-22, 2012
6
Preme-Tazi, Irene Mariam
7
Swinkels, Joukje, Theo van Tilburg, Ellen Verbakel, and Marjolein Broese van Groenou
3
“dream colleges”, I felt worthless and guilty, but I had no clue as to why I felt that way. My father also
felt similar emotions when one of his colleagues got promoted to a more senior position than him, and we
were both confused about the ultimate cause of our guilt and disappointment.
However, after observing my mother’s frustration whenever she felt like she was not raising my
brother in the right way, I realized that my mother, father, and I were frustrated about our alleged
“failures” because we felt like we had not adequately met our societal roles to be a “good student” or a
“good mother”. Thus, the stress and exhaustion experienced from living under expectations are not unique
to my mother or me. Instead, according to C Wright Mill’s concept of sociological imagination, 8 it is a
common suffering experienced by everyone, where we eagerly seek to fulfill our assigned roles to be
defined as successful employees, students, or mothers. As the world shifted from hunter-gatherer to a
technologically sophisticated society through the Neolithic Revolution, mankind has adapted
specialization both within families and society to create stability and order, 9 and gradually individuals
began to base their identities on how society perceives their ability to fulfill their assigned roles.
For instance, from a young age I was told that attending a prestigious college would enable me to
become a successful person, just like how my mother was told that if she raised my brother successfully,
she would be valued by others. These ideologies and expectations that society has imposed on us
eventually became so strong that we stopped questioning them and began to perceive and value ourselves
based on to what extent we have fulfilled these expectations. Gradually, we internalized these
expectations to police ourselves, without realizing that a life lived under societal expectations is like a life
performing a play. To put this in context, my mother, father, and I all had different social locations and
expectations, so we all tried to mask as the ideal character for our position to feel like a valued and happy
individual. One study in the journal, “Emotion” found that individuals feel less happiness when
Todd, Prout. “What Is Sociological Imagination?” National University, 2021,
https://www.nu.edu/resources/what-is-sociological-imagination/
9
David Graeber, David Wengrow, “Gardens of Adonis the Revolution That Never Happened: How
Neolithic Peoples Avoided Agriculture”, 2022, In Dawn of Everything: A New History of Humanity
8
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circumstances that should have made them joyful failed to meet their expectations. 10 For instance,
acceptance to colleges and watching your child growing up should bring happiness, but both my mother
and I were diminishing our feeling of joy in these circumstances to satisfy societal expectations by
ignoring what makes us most comfortable. In my scenario, I might potentially decided to go to my
“dream college” to meet societal expectations despite disliking the environment there. Hence, the
question arises: shall we sacrifice our comforts to satisfy societal expectations, by basing our selfperception entirely on how others perceive us? Why do we always feel “not enough” despite constantly
striving to meet societal expectations, and how is this feeling diminishing our feeling of happiness?
A reason why individuals might feel less happiness when being overly focused on societal
expectations is due to the loss of self-esteem after they failed to satisfy these expectations. For instance, I
suffered from low self-esteem for a prolonged period after being rejected from all my “dream colleges.” I
was struggling with self-acceptance as I felt that society perceives me poorly, as it expects students who
came from elite backgrounds like me to enter a prestigious college, and my failure to do so to others is an
indicator of not satisfying social roles assigned according to my social class. However, I soon realized
that basing happiness on societal expectations is distorting the accuracy of our self-perception, as these
expectations imposed on us are often unrealistic and impossible to achieve. Thus, we would drown in the
sea of critiques if we constantly sought external approvals from society. Hence, if we wish to achieve true
happiness, we could practice self-acceptance and learn to reconcile by focusing on personal growth in our
definition instead of society’s definition of success. According to Ryff and Keyes, one way to achieve
eudaimonic happiness (happiness achieved through self-actualization) is through practicing autonomy,
which is the ability to resist social pressures and evaluate oneself based on personal standards.11
One thing I have learned from my dilemma is that if we wish to feel true happiness, we may have
to cast these societal expectations aside, by establishing a dichotomy between internal and external
Nicole, Celestine. “How to Be Happy: Is There a Secret Key to Finding True Happiness?”
PositivePsychology.com, 2021, https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-be-happy/
11
Nicole, Celestine.
10
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expectations. By realizing the differences between societal and personal expectations, we could stop
perceiving ourselves based on how society perceives us but instead focus on internal growth and
happiness to achieve real confidence and self-actualization. To realize this goal, we could find value in
ourselves instead of focusing on society’s constant skepticism and critiques of us. In order to stop
focusing on society’s view on us, we must first be aware of these ingrained societal expectations by
realizing where they came from. For instance, mothers can reject gender-based skepticism by realizing
that they originated from the Neolithic revolution where women were forced to play subordinate roles due
to specialization in the society. In this case, this means that mothers could value their relationship with the
child instead of focusing on society’s comments on their parenting. For women to resist the societal
expectations on their own are difficult but increasing societal awareness of this unfair gender roles
dilemma can help women to strike for their independence. For instance, once my mother stopped
worrying about how society perceives her way of taking care of my brother, she can find value in herself
and establish a healthy mother-child relationship, which allows the pursuit of true joy and selfactualization.
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Bibliography
David Graeber and David Wengrow, “Gardens of Adonis the Revolution That Never Happened:
How Neolithic Peoples Avoided Agriculture.” Essay. In Dawn of Everything: A New
History of Humanity, 209–47. S.l., United Kingdoms: PENGUIN BOOKS, 2022.
Joukje Swinkels, Theo van Tilburg, Ellen Verbakel, and Marjolein Broese van Groenou.
"Explaining the Gender Gap in the Caregiving Burden of Partner Caregivers." The
Journals of Gerontology: Series B 74, no. 2 (2019): 309-317.
Maroto-Navarro, Gracia, Guadalupe Pastor-Moreno, Ricardo Ocaña-Riola, Vivian BenítezHidalgo, María del García-Calvente, María del Gutiérrez-Cuadra, María T Gijón-Sánchez,
María del Río-Lozano, and Jorge Marcos-Marcos. “Male and Female Involvement in the
Birth and Child-Rearing Process.” Journal of Clinical Nursing 22, no. 21-22 (October 24,
2012): 3071–83. https://doi.org/10.1111/jocn.12153.
Nicole, Celestine. “How to Be Happy: Is There a Secret Key to Finding True Happiness?”
PositivePsychology.com, December 8, 2021. https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-behappy/.
Preme-Tazi, Irene Mariam. "Unveiling Patriarchal Motherhood." Canadian Woman Studies
34, no. 1-2 (2020).
Todd, Prout. “What Is Sociological Imagination?” National University. National University, July
30, 2021. https://www.nu.edu/resources/what-is-sociological-imagination/.
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