Nurture | Worship | Succeed
THE
MOST BEAUTIFUL
LOVE AFFAIR
The Muslim Family Ebook
My Muslim Family is supported by leading scholars and teachers
www.MyMuslimFamily.com
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CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
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CHAPTER 1
ALLAH (SWT) THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE
3
CHAPTER 2
ALLAH (SWT) THE HEART OF YOUR MARRIAGE
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CHAPTER 3
ALLAH (SWT) IS THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE
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CHAPTER 1
ALLAH (SWT)
THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE
www.MyMuslimFamily.com
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THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LOVE AFFAIR - THE MUSLIM FAMILY EBOOK
CHAPTER 1 - ALLAH (SWT) THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE
Introduction
This book has been written for conscientious Muslims who want to have strong, loving and
fulfilling relationships with their spouses and who aspire to raise righteous children. To work
towards this, the book sets out the imperative to address our relationship with The Most-Loving,
Al-Wadud, through whose love and worship we build the foundation of our family life.
The book is set out over 3 chapters; each which builds on the other with a focus on 3 key
relationships:
• Relationship with Allah (swt)
• Relationship with spouses
• Relationship with children
Due to the encompassing nature of the book it is an invaluable resource for those who are looking
at getting married, for those married and wanting to strengthen their relationship, and for those
with children who aspire to raise them as righteous Muslims.
We hope and pray that this book will aid you in building a harmonious marriage and family life full
of blessings.
My Muslim Family
To see a world where Muslim families are tranquil, loving, strong and united through the love of
The Most-Loving - Al-Wadud - your beautiful love affair'.
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Where is the love?
One of the most fundamental and profound emotions humans can experience is love for Allah
(swt). The seed of love for Allah (swt) has been planted in our spiritual heart from the time when
Allah (swt) revealed Himself to all the souls and asked: “Am I not your Lord?” And each and
every soul replied: “Indeed (You are)”.(Quran; 7:172)
All humans have a deep desire to love and to be loved, yet many have experienced a lack of love
at some point in their life. Others seek it through means that leave them feeling empty and
unfulfilled. The inescapable truth is that in order to be able to give and receive love, we must first
give it to ourselves.
So, what does Islam say about self-love? Today, we see concepts marketed as ‘self-love’, but is
this anything more than bubble baths, manicures and massages? Is there something deeper at play
here; something that supports both the soul and the outward self?
Islam does not advocate for loving yourself unconditionally, without caveats. What is the incentive
to become better if you love everything about yourself? This is not the way of a Muslim (or any
human) who wants to strive to be a better individual. Allah (swt) gave us His guidance so we can
grow, learn, and overcome our negative traits.
When we reflect on the signs around us, and ponder on who we are, we eventually come to Allah
(swt) as the Source. Just as studying nature and cosmology lead us to Allah (swt), thinking about
who we are, how we are made, and the wonders we possess leads us towards the inimitable
Creator. Getting to know ourselves better and learning about our own flaws, vulnerabilities, and
shortcomings empowers us to become a better version of ourselves. It is important to pause,
reflect and turn to Allah (swt) by asking Him to help our heart see what He wants us to see.
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It is important to love ourselves through loving Allah (swt): the Source of ALL love, and to feel
deserving of it because Allah (swt) honoured us by creating us; ‘Certainly, we gave dignity to the
Children of Adam, and carried them over land and sea, and provided them with all the good
things, and gave them an advantage over many of those. We have created with a complete
preference’ (Quran 17:70). Loving ourselves is seeing the potential that Allah (swt) has placed
within us, and to be able to tap into it in order to become the best version of ourselves. When we
despair therefore, we are despairing of the love that Allah (swt) has for us. This can lead to a lack
of motivation in reaching your potential, a lack of focus in life and a lack of connection with
yourself and others. All of this often culminates in low self-esteem and self-worth.
The most beautiful love affair can only begin and end with Allah’s (swt) love. Therefore, love for
Allah (swt) is the love we need to be seeking first and always. We can't love others if our own
hearts aren't filled with Allah’s (swt) Love. Too many of us are seeking to be loved through
relationships like marriage. The truth is that, without connecting to the love of Allah (swt), no
relationship will provide lasting fulfilment. In many cases, this may end up in disappointment,
frustration, and often even heartbreak.
Therefore, we must first fill our hearts with Allah (swt), the Source of all love. In order to do this,
we must first come to know Allah (swt) in order to love Him. We can do this through learning
about His Beautiful Names and how He describes Himself in the Qur‘an. The two most important
relationships you can cultivate therefore are: your relationship with yourself and the one with your
Creator.
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Love is in the air: Reecting on Marriage
Marathons aren’t run without extensive pre-race preparation. Neither are exams taken without
hours of revision. The same is true of marriage: making preparations prior to getting married is
essential to ensure a fulfilling and successful marriage. One of the most fundamental preparations
you can take part in is to connect with your Creator by understanding what love means to you
through Allah (swt).
Let us connect with Allah (swt)'s beautiful name Al-Wadud, to better understand love from the
perspective of Islam. The Name is often translated as ‘The Affectionate’ or ‘The Most Loving’,
however this Name carries much deeper meaning and goes beyond the basic idea of love. In
contrast to Al-Hubb, which simply means ‘love,’ Al-Wadud is derived from the word Al-Wud, which
means the act of loving through giving.
Al-Wadud emphasises the reality of love being an action rather than just an emotion. To elaborate
further, Allah (swt) is Al-Wadud because He shows us His love through a variety of means, such as
blessings, help in adversity, and protection against harm. Each of these serve as a constant
reminder of our Creator. This also holds true for every single challenge you have faced because
these only serve to bring us closer to Allah (swt). Even when we commit sin, Allah (swt) is pleased
with those who turn back to Him. ‘And He is the Oft-Forgiving, Full of Loving-Kindness.‘ (Quran
85:14).
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Have you ever considered the depth of Allah's (swt) love for you? Think beyond your blessings,
which are obvious chances to feel cherished. Instead, think about how many times you struggled
through something and weren't sure why, only to find out later that the outcome was much better
than you had expected. The love Allah (swt) shows us may not always be obvious in the
moment - but there are hidden mercies in the trials. His Love is always about giving you
what is better for you, even when you do not necessarily see it for yourself. This beautiful
love affair begins to become more apparent as you place your trust and acceptance in Allah
(swt). You can always count on Allah (swt) no matter what. He is the only constant source of love
in your life.
So how do we try to understand and get to know Allah (swt) while He consistently showers us
with all of that love? It is important to first embody Allah’s (swt) love and use this expression in
our daily life if we want to experience it. You can start by having good thoughts and expectations
of your Creator as Allah (swt) says in an Hadith Qudsi: “I am as my servant thinks (expects) I
am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to
Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it. If
he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to
Me walking, I go to him at speed.”
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CHAPTER 2
ALLAH (SWT)
THE HEART OF YOUR
MARRIAGE
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Dwell in tranquillity
One of the biggest tests facing society today is maintaining the institution of marriage, both in
terms of getting married and remaining married. As if these struggles weren't difficult enough on
their own, add the difficulty of making the marriage truly Islamic and successful, since merely
staying married is not necessarily a sign of success.
We often hear that marriage is "half our deen,"- a profound statement that hints at the effort and
level of faith required to create the peaceful marriages that Allah (swt) wants for us. As Allah (swt)
states in the Qur'an, marriage is a tremendous blessing and a divine sign: ‘And of His signs is that
He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He
placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give
thought.’ (Qur’an 30:21). Finding peace is one of the most important elements of marriage, and
these are signs in our marriages that Allah (swt) is asking us to consider.
So what does it take for us and our spouses to "dwell in tranquillity"? To become a successful
Muslim spouse, you must first and foremost work to build a solid, loving relationship with your
Creator. This entails developing the ability to focus all of your thoughts, intentions, words, and
actions on making Allah (swt) pleased with you. More significantly, this entails acquiring the ability
to love and live for Allah (swt). Although this is a fundamental requirement for any healthy
relationship in this world, it is also possibly one of the concepts that we have the hardest time
understanding because, as a society, we are very far from internalising this concept.
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The most important step is learning how to love for Allah's (swt) sake because both you and
your spouse are fallible humans and will often behave as such. There will be ups and downs,
moments of hardship and ease. This is a universal truth. However, Allah (swt) is the only One
who is constant, eternal, and always loving, forgiving, helping, healing, and truly guiding.
What does being in a marriage for the love of Allah (swt) truly mean? It entails putting your
complete faith and trust in Allah (swt). It implies that all of your needs—emotional, physical, and
beyond—are ultimately met by Allah (swt).
This by no means suggests that your spouse has no responsibilities towards you. It means that
your sole and ultimate reliance is on Allah (swt), even if your spouse fails or inevitably has some
limitations in fulfilling their duties toward you. It is possible to feel disappointed when your spouse
is falling short yet your total reliance on and attachment to Allah (swt) alone can prevent a lot of
future heartache, disappointment, and even disillusionment.
How can we therefore love each other for the sake of Allah (swt)? Well, there is no exhaustive todo or to-be list for a successful spouse, just as there is no one-size fits all solution to marital
challenges. However, there are some important habits that- if practised consistently - can enable
you to experience love, tranquillity and mercy in your marriage.
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Heart-centred Vision
What does it entail to love one another for the sake of Allah (swt)? It is to base and prioritise
your relationship with another person on your love and obedient service to Allah (swt). It
indicates that you value someone so highly that when this life is over, you want to carry that
relationship into the afterlife so you can spend eternity with them and earn Allah’s (swt)
favour. It means that your love for someone is solely motivated by the degree to which they
draw you nearer to Allah (swt).
Even those who marry for primarily religious reasons frequently experience disappointment after
marriage when they discover that their spouse is not 'practising' their religion in the manner they
had anticipated.
Unfortunately, many of us are unable to see the significant ways that our spouses help us develop
as spiritual beings because we sometimes limit spirituality to physical or outward acts of worship.
It is important to acknowledge the importance of all acts of worship whether small or big, outward
or inward. Truly, content Muslim couples engage in winning Allah’s pleasure and love together
whenever and in any way they can and consistently helping each other to get closer to Allah (swt).
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Goals aligned to the Quran and Sunnah
The Quran's verses on marriage contain a wealth of guidance on how to approach the most
personal relationship we will ever have. We need to ask ourselves if we have really incorporated
these verses into our marriage, or if they remain glossy calligraphy that we incorporated into our
wedding invitations?
One should strive for tranquillity in marriage. Everything in your marriage, including our homes,
intimacy, finances, social activities, and everything else, should be redirected toward bringing
peace to one another's lives.
We must sincerely consider whether our efforts are directed toward achieving Allah's (swt) goal
of marital harmony or toward our limited understanding of marriage as it exists in the modern
world. Do our efforts serve to foster peaceful coexistence or are they merely intended to appease
and satisfy the wants and needs of the world?
Allah created us with desires and provided the institution of marriage to satisfy them, therefore,
our desires have a rightful place and significance. However, when our materialistic desires take
precedence over the Quran's prescription for marital tranquillity, we stray from Allah's (swt)
original intent for this sacred union.
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Being a spouse of action
Our parents, relatives, friends, or representations of marriage in media like movies, television, and
celebrity culture are frequently our main sources of reference when it comes to marriage.
Regrettably however, these examples may not always show what a happy Muslim marriage should
resemble.
We must approach the Prophetic approach for guidance in all areas of marriage, including how to
choose a partner, the marriage process, the intimate relationship, daily life, and most importantly,
how to handle the benefits and challenges that come with married life. It is important to remember
that our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) frequently prayed, pleading with Allah (swt) to
grant him the best in both this life and the next.
Examining the bond the Prophet Muhammad (saw) had with each of his wives will reveal a wealth
of knowledge and useful advice. Anyone entering a Muslim marriage must have this education,
primarily to understand how to approach one's role as a husband or wife.
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Dealing with each other's flaws and differences, as well as not spending the majority of your
married life trying to ‘fix’ each other, are two major challenges in any relationship, especially one
as serious as a marriage.
This approach ignores the fact that self-improvement is ultimately the goal of life and all the roles
we play, including that of a spouse, is so we can develop into the person Allah (swt) wants us to
be. Therefore, prioritising self-improvement over ‘spouse improvement’ is necessary. It is
important to acknowledge "the only person one can change is themselves"- and often this is the
only thing necessary for provoking change in your spouse. Additionally, research demonstrates
that people learn and behave better when given examples rather than just advice, whether they
are married or not.
Aisha - the wife of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) - referred to his character as being a living
example of the Quran. In fact, scholars have publicly stated that the Prophet's (saw) Sunnah was
largely derived from his deeds rather than his words. He was a man of action – a spouse of action.
This isn't meant to imply that one shouldn't try to better oneself and their spouse; rather, it aims
to present a sensible and responsible course of action.
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Do not expect perfection
Many of us have developed the habit of expecting perfection from ourselves and from our
spouses in marriage as a result of romantic films, tales that some starry-eyed newlyweds share, or
even the trend of (intentionally or unintentionally) showcasing ideal marital relations on social
media. We must first internalise the fact that only Allah (swt) is Perfect, in order to escape this
trap. This fact makes us flawed by default.
How you respond to your flaws will tell you whether or not you fully understand this truth. How
should I react to my spouse's flaws? You should consider how well you accept the truth that only
Allah (swt) is perfect. If you notice that you tend to criticise yourself when you mess up or are
rather harsh with your spouse's limitations, then this points to unrealistic expectations. Learning
from mistakes and the growth this gives you as a person is so valuable. Embracing the fact we are
fallible, but being committed to learning from your shortcomings is how character is refined and
perfected. Even Allah (swt) doesn't expect perfection from us, so why do we expect it from
ourselves or our spouses? Acknowledge the difficulties and joys of marriage, and learn to aim for
excellence (ihsan) rather than perfection.
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The beauty of being grateful
If there is one basic need that permeates every human relationship, it is the desire to feel valued
and significant. Marriage is one of the relationships where this need is so often disregarded or
sadly, abused. What causes this to occur? Is it because we tend to take people for granted,
especially those closest to us??
Every little thing your spouse does for you when you first get married feels so special. It all
becomes routine over time, and a few years later it is ‘his and her duty anyway’. Allah (swt)
reminds us of the importance of being grateful to one another: ‘He who does not thank the
people is not thankful to Allah.’ (Abu Dawud). Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an: ‘… If you are
grateful, I will surely increase you (in favour)…’ (Qur’an 14:7).
Our spouses are a tremendous gift from Allah (swt); they provide us with unrivalled spiritual,
emotional, mental, and physical solace. Content Muslim couples simply follow the directive given
by Allah (swt) in the aforementioned verse, which causes Allah (swt) to increase the happiness
the couple finds in each other as He (swt) promised.
Allah (swt) also says in the Qur’an: ‘And as for your Lord’s favour, then proclaim it!’ (Qur’an
93:11). You and your spouse can begin showing gratitude for one another right away by thanking
each other for at least one thing each day. You can do this by texting, leaving a note in a lunchbox
or on the refrigerator, or doing it right before bed. Saying “jazak Allah khayr" each time your
partner does something for you. Exchanging smiles that convey heartfelt messages. Writing down
things about each other you're grateful for in a journal and regularly exchanging your journals: For
those who find verbal communication harder, journaling can sometimes make it easier to
communicate with your spouse.
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Recognizing Allah’s big picture for your marriage
One of the most comprehensive Quranic prayers for a happy marriage is: ‘O our Lord! Gift us
spouses and children that will be the coolness of our eyes and make us the leaders of the
righteous’ (Qur’an 25:74). Much of the emphasis on this prayer has always been on the ‘coolness
of the eyes.’ This point is equal in importance to focusing upon the conclusion of this prayer,
which asks for help in becoming the leaders of the righteous.
This point truly puts the big picture of marriage into perspective. In the end, a successful marriage
is one that not only endures but does so with peace and composure between the spouses. Such
an accomplishment benefits not only the two individuals or children involved but can also have a
positive effect on society as a whole.
For the ultimate benefit of communities everywhere, a truly successful marriage helps to develop
good leaders and role models out of the spouses and children, and this in turn helps humanity to
flourish and advance.
This shift in the big picture focus we must have for our marriages is made possible by the order in
which we pray—asking for coolness from the spouse and marriage, followed by assistance in
becoming leaders among the righteous, ameen.
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Bring the best out of each other
Before getting married, your spouse was a unique individual with an individual mind, heart, body,
and soul, just like you. When one or both partners forget this fundamental truth—that marriage
makes people into partners, not subordinate parts of one another—marriages start to spiral
downward into perpetual unhappiness. The reality is that your spouse carries many
responsibilities other than simply being your spouse. If you prevent them from fulfilling all of
these responsibilities, you may become the source of their ongoing resentment, which will
inevitably affect your marriage.
Each of us has been endowed with the capacity to contribute in a variety of ways during our time
here on earth and we have been blessed with the capacity to become everything that Allah (swt)
wants us to be. Be that amazing partner who inspires, supports, and aids your spouse in realising
and making the most of the abilities and qualities that Allah (swt) has given them so that they can
flourish and bring joy and mercy to others. Therefore, encourage your spouse in showing their
parents kindness and love, in being helpful to their co-workers and relatives, in keeping good
relations with their family, and support them in using their talents that can be put to good use.
Content Muslim couples are partners in development and productivity because they recognise
that marriage does not alter the fact that their spouse is a slave of Allah (swt) alone. They
acknowledge the other roles and responsibilities that their spouse has and encourage them to
fulfil them all. They encourage their spouse's development and value as an individual by
recognising each other's special qualities and talents.
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Because each marriage consists of two distinct individuals, therefore what works for one couple
may not necessarily apply to another because you and your spouse are entirely unique individuals
with different preferences, priorities, and life circumstances. You must sit down with your spouse
and discuss what is important to them and how they would like you to meet those needs. Also,
actively consider and design simple ways to convey to your spouse what is important to you. This
will help you to experience a more fulfilling marriage.
Most marital stress is eliminated when a couple learns to communicate effectively because they
become so attuned to each other's feelings that they can instantly tell how their spouse is feeling
by the smallest change in words or tone. Make sincere efforts and dua to satisfy each other’s
needs in a contented marriage.
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Beware of your hidden enemies
Our lower self, or ego, is a hidden foe that resides inside each and every one of us. Prophet Yusuf
(peace be upon him) made the following observation about the lower human self (nafs), which
Allah (swt) records in the Qur'an: ‘… Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my
Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.’
(Qur’an 12:53). This does not imply that we are inherently evil, but rather that we all possess
lower selves that are susceptible to oppression, disorder, and injustice. Only Allah's (swt) mercy
can enable us to transcend our narcissistic, destructive lower selves.
A marriage is most at risk from ego because it is an internal, insidious enemy. The ego acts as a
deceptive double agent, distorting reality and leading us to deny and justify the wrongs that our
lower selves commit against our spouses while actually oppressing both of us and heading down a
path of humiliating self-destruction.
The Prophet (saw) said: ‘A believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he
should correct it.’ (Al Adab Al Mufrad). Our spouse is the only person who gets to know us as
intimately and frequently as they do, so they are the most accurate mirror of our souls to us. As a
result, spouses have the greatest chance of coming face to face with our ego and the wrath of our
inferior selves. However, it is your choice whether to allow your lower self to rule your marriage
or to view it as a way to purify yourself.
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Allah (swt) says in Surat Ash-Shams: ‘And [by] the soul (self) and He who proportioned it. And
inspired it [with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has succeeded who
purifies it, and he has failed who instils it [with corruption].’(Qur’an 91: 7-10). When our
spouses reflect our flaws to us so we can rise above our lower selves, and actually personify the
mercy of Allah (swt). For our own spiritual purification and salvation, Allah (swt) has blessed
us with them because they enable us to recognise our deepest flaws that we could never
have seen for ourselves.
The next time your spouse is attempting to convey something to you about yourself, pay close
attention and remain objective. Resist the urge to defend yourself, and instead, consider asking
yourself: “What is Allah (swt) wanting me to know about myself?”. Realise the mercy from Allah
(swt) in helping you to see your blind spots through your spouse. Sincerely thank your spouse for
helping you in improving you as a person and caring so much about your success in the afterlife.
The Prophet (saw) said: “Iblis (shaytan) places his throne upon water; he then sends
detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most
notorious in creating division. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You
have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I
sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The shaytan goes near him and
says: ‘You have done well and then embraces him.” (Muslim). Shaytan doesn’t have any
principles when he seeks to create marital discord: in fact, the rule is that he attacks from where
you least expect it. Therefore, take measures to protect yourself by reading your daily morning
and evening adhkar.
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Being conscious of Allah (swt)
There is conflict or disagreement of some kind or degree in every marriage. One of the factors
that separates one marriage's health from another is how conflicts are handled.
Remembering that Allah (swt) is watching our every move and expression, and hearing our every
word, is the most effective strategy for managing and minimising marital conflict. Additionally,
everything is being documented in preparation for the Day when He (swt) will serve as the Judge.
This keeps us from succumbing to our lower selves and the whispers of Shaytan in the heat of the
moment and prevents the marriage from suffering a great deal of irreparable, long-term harm.
The Prophet (saw) said: “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if
he is in the right… ” (Abu Dawud). In actuality, when the tongue is not restrained during marital
conflict, life can become hellish. Deep resentment and spite are sown as a result of the humiliation
and harm that the tongue causes. That’s why Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an: “And tell My servants
to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces division among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to
mankind, a clear enemy.”(Qur’an 17:53).
Bring Allah's (swt) presence to mind first to help you control your rage and approach the situation
calmly if you disagree with your spouse about anything or are hurt by something they did or said.
Then, express your concerns as gently as you can because doing so is much more likely to result
in your spouse understanding your point than yelling at them is. The Prophet (saw) said to Aisha
(may Allah be pleased with her): “Aisha! Show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in
anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it.” (Abu Dawud).
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Your beautiful love aair
Marriage, just like every other aspect of this world, is simply a path to reaching our ultimate
destination: Allah (swt) and our home in paradise. Although building a solid spiritual foundation is
just the beginning of becoming a successful Muslim spouse, it is a necessary requirement because
it keeps one's eyes on the prize.
Making Allah (swt) the centre of a marriage not only helps to fortify the hearts of both spouses
toward one another, but it also provides the couple with a reliable compass by which to navigate
all the additional practical habits, traits, and difficulties that come with attempting to be a
successful Muslim couple.
This said, even with the right focus and efforts – the end results may not always be what we
desire. However, no matter the outcome, as a believer, it can be a win-win situation regardless
when the heart of marriage begins and ends with Allah (swt), as long as the entire journey is
leading to one's ultimate goal: Loving Allah (swt) – The most beautiful love affair.
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CHAPTER 3
ALLAH (SWT)
IS THE CENTRE OF
THE UNIVERSE
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Is your parenting a reection of Al - Wudud?
Everyone has a strong desire to be loved, and children are no exception. The strongest of all
bonds, love, binds people together. Without it, no one would assume responsibility for looking
after others as love fosters care and concern. Love helps to ease life's struggles and makes it
bearable to face them. When it comes to raising children, a family's ability to love their children is
paramount.
Many Muslim parents would agree that having children is a privilege and a blessing from Allah
(swt) and yet one of the most difficult, unpredictable, and complex responsibilities that they are
entrusted with. It is therefore unsurprising to see that even the best among us struggle to fulfil the
responsibility parenthood brings in accordance with Islamic teachings.
Children are easier to mould when they are young, so many parents often take advantage of
this by imposing their own preferences — likes and dislikes — without much consideration
for the child's interests. They fail to recognise that children are individuals with distinct
identities who should be respected and valued in order to foster their overall development.
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In particular when it comes to being a "good" Muslim, many parents want to support their
children in being the best versions of themselves. Different parents have different perspectives
and methods for motivating their children. High expectations can be beneficial, but putting
children under constant pressure can be damaging. Children who feel that they are under intense
parental and adult pressure to succeed may suffer negative effects in their emotional, mental,
physical, psychological and spiritual health.
Too frequently, our parenting approach is supported by ingrained habits from how we were raised
as children. We may have grown up in a strict, unloving environment. However, life cannot simply
function according to rigid rules; a home without love has failed to serve its true purpose as one
of the most distinguishing qualities of a family is the love that unites its family members.
As the child’s primary caregiver how you show your child love will determine how they show love
to you, others and the world around them. The Prophet Muhammad's (saw) Sunnah repeatedly
demonstrates how he expressed his love in a variety of ways for everyone around him including
his children. Here are some ways to follow the Sunnah of our beloved prophet (saw) and see your
relationship with your children blossom.
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Disciplining with love
Islam is a religion that follows a middle path; it is neither strict nor lenient. In order to strengthen
our imaan, we should have a healthy balance of love and fear of Allah (swt). It is important to not
make Islam all about rules and discipline; doing so breeds only fear of Allah (swt) and no love.
However, at the same time, we must teach our children the limits Allah (swt) has set for us. This
needs to be done though reminding children of Allah's (swt) generosity and limitless mercy.
During the most crucial period of children’s development, some parents exploit their children's
innocence in order to manipulate their responses and behaviours into submission to Allah (swt).
This is done by using the emotion of fear and can be considered as spiritual abuse. Some parents
frequently introduce and reinforce Allah's (swt) attributes in a punitive manner when teaching
their children about Him (swt). What many parents fail to recognise is that a child's brain
functions differently from an adult's in how it processes information. Children are at that stage
where their conscious mind is still trying to develop a sense of active imagination based on their
analogy of reality and make-believe. When a parent replaces Allah's (swt) loving qualities with
ones of fear, it is detrimental to a child's spiritual and emotional growth and can have long-term
effects. As the child grows older and develops into an adult, this intense fear may also manifest in
other ways where other emotional problems may appear. Moderation is essential to foster a
lasting and loving understanding of Allah (swt) and to inspire your child to want to love Allah (swt)
at this impressionable age.
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Nurturing the love of Allah (swt)
Before we delve into the specifics of Islam and overwhelm our children with knowledge about
submission to our Creator, it is crucial that as parents we foster a love for Him (swt) in our
children's young hearts. In reality, our children already possess this love as a part of their innate
nature, and it is our responsibility as parents to support and nurture that love.
Allah's Messenger (saw) said: "Every child is born on Al-Fitrah - true faith of Islamic
monotheism (i.e. to worship none but Allah alone) but his parent’s convert him to Judaism,
Christianity or Magianism, as an animal delivers a perfect baby animal. Do you find it
mutilated?" (Sahih al-Bukhari). This goes on to prove that the love for Allah (swt) is already
there in the hearts, it only needs to be nurtured through His remembrance.
What better way than to remember Allah (swt) through calling upon Him with His beautiful
Names. In doing this, we also unlock great reward. The Quran mentions, "And to Allah (swt)
belong the best names, so invoke Him by them" (Quran 7:180). With plentiful resources
available online, parents can work with their children towards learning Allah's names and
attributes, you could start with the most common and lovable ones such as Al- Wudud - The Most
Loving. Consciously showing your children endless reasons to love Allah (swt), rather than just
teaching them rituals like prayer and fasting, will contribute in them growing up with strong imaan
in their hearts.
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Reminding your children that Allah (swt) loves them through linking your day to day activities
back to Allah (swt) can have a profound impact. Make "See, Allah loves you!" the phrase that is
spoken the most in your home. The advantages it can have in terms of cultivating a love for Allah
(swt) in young hearts are immeasurable. Tell your child that "it is all because of Allah's mercy and
endless love, that He chose these blessings for you," for instance, when they become excited
about an accomplishment or an unexpected treat. Similarly, even though it might be difficult to use
it when unpleasant circumstances arise, like when the child is hurt, it can be used to demonstrate
Allah's (swt) mercy in saving them from a greater catastrophe by helping them realise that He is
the All-Knowing and All-Loving.
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Communicate love
As parents, it is our responsibility to foster a safe environment in which our children feel heard,
understood, and free to express themselves without fear. We must develop a platform to promote
secure communication through active listening. This can help them to understand Allah's (swt)
love and mercy when they inevitably make mistakes, which can be very beneficial.
Allah (swt) has placed in the parents’ hearts the innate instinct to love their children. No parent
would have been able to endure all the pains and difficulties of raising a child without this love for
children, which is a testament to Allah's (swt) wisdom, love and mercy.
Nevertheless, a lot of parents believe that children already know their parents love them and do
not realise that children require constant reassurance. Children lack the maturity and
understanding of adults to realise that even punishments and reprimands are expressions of love.
They frequently interpret the parents' behaviour as evidence of their lack of love as they naturally
seek validation and acceptance. Therefore, parents' need to communicate love through their
speech and behaviour.
Depending on the child's age and development, different displays of love are needed. When
children are very young they are in need of hugs and cuddles. For a baby's growth and
development to be positive, physical affection must be shown. Throughout the toddler years,
showing love primarily manifests itself through physical affection. As the child gets older, less
overt forms of affection are used instead.
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The need for the occasional physical touch is still necessary, but it is not the primary means of
expressing love. The child now has a variety of wants and needs and love includes a variety of
behaviours, such as accommodating their requests, speaking to them frequently, reading to them,
showing an interest in their academic performance, etc. A smile, a kind word, a patient ear, etc.
are all examples of how love displays its radiant face. The child learns that he is worthy of a
parent's undivided attention when he receives it. As children get older, their friends play a more
important role in their life. Caring about their friends is a loving way to show your children that
you care about them.
It is important that, throughout all your display of love, you link it back to the love of Allah (swt).
This is how you can encourage the love of Allah (swt) to blossom and solidify in the hearts of your
children.
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Remember your children are not meant to be perfect
The parent and child relationship is a beautiful one, yet it can be a source of so much pain and
resentment, especially for children who are on the receiving end of judgement and harsh words. It
is sad to see how some parents only love their children if they fulfil certain expectations.
Some parents will also only express their love for their children if they behave well, are physically
appealing and/or in general live up to their expectations. Such love has limitations. The child
receives a barrage of compliments and love if he brings a good report card but a poor report card
can lead to parents withdrawing their attention and criticising only makes the child feel completely
abandoned in addition to drawing criticism for the poor grades.
Many parents fail to draw the line and condition their love on their child's actions. Every child has
flaws, and the way parents respond to these flaws can sometimes make a child believe he is not at
all loved. Parents must make sure that the child understands that it is only their actions and not
them that is disliked. This is key in raising children who experience the love of Allah (swt) through
our love for them. How can we expect our children to believe in the mercy and love of Allah (swt)
when as parents we are not displaying love to our own children?
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It is crucial for the parent and child to work together to develop a loving, merciful relationship for
the sake of Allah (swt). It is not healthy for a child to be ruled by dictatorial parents who ignore
their child’s feelings, interests, and talents in favour of their own vision of how the family ‘should’
be. On the other hand, it is not proper for parents to give in to entitled children who think the
world should revolve around them. Allah (swt) is the centre of the universe, therefore both
parents and children need to learn to revolve around Allah (swt) in all of their affairs.
The Messenger of Allah (saw) said, "Fear Allah, and be just to your children" (Bukhari &
Muslim). This hadith serves as a wonderful reminder that our children are gifts from Allah (swt),
not our possessions, and that we should be careful about how we treat them. We should be fair
and just toward them because Allah (swt) loves all that is just and fair.
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Experience the beauty of gratitude as a family
Before we teach our children and begin to expect them to accept Allah's (swt) love for them, it is
essential that we, as parents, embody the love of Allah (swt). And in order to do this, we must
unlearn some of our own ingrained and harmful beliefs and behaviours. The best course of action
is to first cultivate gratitude on a personal level, and then to encourage it in the context of the
family. Thinking about Allah's (swt) signs is a strong way to begin this journey of loving Him
(swt).
Allah says, “Verily! In the creation of the heavens and the earth, and in the alternation of night
and day, there are indeed signs for men of understanding. Those who remember Allah
(always, and in prayers) standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and think deeply
about the creation of the heavens and the earth, (saying): “Our Lord! You have not created
(all) this without purpose, glory to You! (Exalted be You above all that they associate with You
as partners). Give us salvation from the torment of the Fire”. (Qur’an 3:190-191).
The value of reflecting on Allah's (swt) signs is immeasurable. Seeking opportunities to notice the
signs and blessings bestowed upon us by our Creator and saying ‘Alhumdulillah’ -(All praise be to
Allah (swt)) - is a beautiful way to plant the seed for acknowledging His bountiful love and
affection for us and our children.
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We must try to consciously encourage our children to reflect about the existence, love, creativity,
and mercy of Allah (swt). This is much easier than we think, it can be incorporated as part of
everyday activities and conversations. Discussing the weather while driving, thinking about food
while shopping or eating, and thinking about Allah's (swt) creativity and the complexity of His
creations while in nature are all great conversation starters. Nurturing feelings of gratitude for
Allah (swt) will undoubtedly increase the love that your child has for Allah (swt) and acknowledge
Him to be the Bestower of all gifts; the One who is Merciful and Loving enough to endlessly
shower us with bounties.
For children, these blessings include all of their loved ones, their pets, their toys, etc. They will
naturally become appreciative and the seeds of love in their hearts will grow more each year until
they flourish when you, the parent, make an effort to connect all their blessings back to Allah
(swt). “My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favour which You have bestowed upon me
and upon my parents.” (Quran 46:15).
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Raise conscious children by being conscious of Allah (swt)
Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an, “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families
from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones” [Qur’an: 66:6]. Children love to imitate their
parents, so if you show your children that you love Allah (swt) by your actions, they will do the
same. The beauty of Islam is that there is always something new to learn. While we can send our
children to madrassas and have Qur'an and Arabic teachers teach them about Islam, we also have
a responsibility to model for our children the deen we want them to follow in every moment of
their lives.
Children must learn about Islam at home and that it encompasses more than just prayer, fasting,
and charitable giving. Islam is a state of being that needs to permeate every aspect of daily life.
Every parent should strive to create a home environment where Allah (swt) and His love are
prioritised. Do parents treat one another with respect and love? How do they handle the highs
and lows of life? Do they consider it their duty to serve the community? Children constantly learn
new things from their parents, even when they feel they have nothing to impart.
Some of the most inquisitive minds are those of children. They are curious all the time, find the
ordinary to be amazing, and are full of excitement. It is at this tender age that you can start
instilling a love of Allah (swt) and a love of Islam. Show that worshipping is not a chore. In the
midst of our hectic lives and the advancement of technology, it can be quite a difficult thing to do.
Get them to reflect on how mighty and forgiving their Creator is. Make Islam appealing and
enjoyable! Spend time working on things that will increase their love for Allah (swt). Together,
seek knowledge by focusing on children’s learning styles and their strengths.
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We frequently use the reward system to reinforce good behaviour in our everyday lives. Although
there can be drawbacks, rewards do help young children develop a positive association with the
desired result. Parents can use this method to emphasise the rewards that Allah (swt) has
promised us in order to demonstrate His love for their children. When one's children make an
effort to recognise Allah (swt) and His love by engaging in good deeds, be sure to celebrate these
milestones in their lives. Making their Islamic accomplishments memorable will help you naturally
instil an understanding of right and wrong behaviour and assist them in developing a deep and
abiding love and respect for Allah (swt) and the guidance He offers.
Islam is a beautifully balanced religion and to maintain this equilibrium, parents are advised to set
appropriate boundaries for their children's ages rather than making Islam about strictness and
discipline alone. Remember the goal is to have our children feel Allah’s (swt) presence and respect
His guidance in everything we do. This can be done through educating children about Islam's
broader principles and not just its prohibitions. Therefore, every time you share a haram, it's
crucial to share a halal as well. You can do this by providing them with alternatives. For instance, if
you tell them that it is forbidden to celebrate Christmas, make Eid a special and memorable day
instead.
When a parent and child enjoy a mutual relationship, one that is kept safe with respect and love,
raising children becomes a lot easier and an integral part of worship. Our children’s early years are
crucial because it is then that their love for Islam can truly take root in their hearts. How they
remember learning about Islam will depend on your role because of how tender and loving their
hearts are, you as a parent have the chance to instil a strong faith in them that will be valuable in
the future, particularly as they enter their teen years. You need to nurture the love that Allah (swt)
has already implanted in their hearts.
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You are loved
We end with a lovely reminder that doing good will always be rewarded with good. Let's make
love and kindness the cornerstone of how we communicate with our families.
Imam Bukhari and Muslim reported that the Prophet (saw) said, “Allah has divided mercy into
one hundred parts, and He kept ninety-nine parts with Him and sent down one part on the
earth, and because of that, one single part. His creatures are merciful to each other, so that
even the mare lifts up its hoof away from its baby animal, so that she would not trample on
it.” If Allah’s mercy is divided into one hundred parts, and He has given just one percent of that to
His creation. Through this one percent we are able to share our love with our families! So the next
time you share your love with your family, remember it is nothing less than Allah’s rahmah
flowing through us; we are instruments of Allah’s (swt) love in this life.
Islam emphasises the display of love to one’s family and our beloved Prophet (saw) was a
beautiful example of this in how he treated his family. Love for Allah (swt) is one of the most
essential and profound feelings we can have. The seed of love for Allah (swt) has been planted in
our spiritual heart from the time when Allah (swt) revealed Himself to all the souls and asked: “Am
I not your Lord?” And each and every soul replied: “Indeed (You are)”. (Quran; 7:172). We need
to remind ourselves and cultivate this beautiful love within ourselves so that we can be beacons of
love for our families and our communities.
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Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (saw) said, "When Allah
(swt) loves a slave, calls out Jibril and says: 'I love so-and-so; so love him'. Then Jibril loves
him. After that he (Jibril) announces to the inhabitants of heavens that Allah loves so- and-so;
so love him; and the inhabitants of the heavens (the angels) also love him and then make
people on earth love him". (Al- Bukhari and Muslim). Imagine that – a person who loves for the
sake of Allah (swt) is not only loved by Allah (swt) but also by the inhabitants of the earth as well
as the heavens!
The Prophet, (saw), used to say: “O Allah, I ask You for Your love, and the love of whoever
loves You, and the love of deeds that will bring me closer to Your love.” It is important that our
love for others is truly for the sake of our Rabb.
May we be among those people who love others for Allah’s (swt) sake and are loved by Allah
(swt). May our beautiful love affair always begin and end with our one true love – Al – Wudud – The
All Loving - The Source of all love.
My Muslim Family
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