The Five Love Languages
By Gary Chapman
There are many different
languages in the world.
Ek is lief vir jou (Afrikaans)
Ngo oi ney (Catonese)
Ik hou van jou (Dutch)
Tora dust midaram (Farsi)
Je t'aime(French)
Ta gra agam ort (Gaelic)
Ich liebe dich (German)
Ayor anosh'ni (Navajo)
If you do not understand the
language…..
Then what you mean to say is lost.
It is the same for communicating
love to another person.
Gary Chapman came to
the conclusion that
people speak five
different emotional love
languages, plus various
dialects.
In order to communicate
love, one must learn
which language of love to
speak.
Everyone needs to know
they are loved.
It starts as a child….
…and continues through adulthood.
Being “in love” fills this need
At least for a while!
During the “in love” phase,
you minimize the flaws of
the beloved. You think
about them all the time.
You want to be with them
all the time.
Then reality enters in.
Should the toilet lid be up or
down?
Who does what chores?
Where do you spend the
holidays?
Decisions on how to spend the
money?
What do you do when the
“love” leaves?
Never be with anyone again? (That’s lonely.)
Have an affair? (even that “excitement” only lasts so
long)
Divorce/break up? (And start again and again every few
years)
Or is there a different and better way?
The better way is to learn what your love language is,
learn what your beloved’s is, and then learn to speak
that language.
How many times have you
seen a couple fall apart?
“He doesn’t care about me.”
“She doesn’t care about me.”
Both are reaching out to each
other in a language the other does
not understand.
He brings her roses.
He’d like more affection.
She cooks his favorite
meal. She’d like help
with the kids.
Like most people,
Each person is trying
to make it work.
Sort of……
But, each person
speaks a different
language of love.
Like a foreign
language, they are
not understood.
There are five languages of
love.
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Let’s look at each one.
First language:
Words of affirmation
These are compliments or words of appreciation.
It is not saying something nice so you can get
what you want from them.
Also included are words of encouragement.
The tone of your voice matters. Keep it kind!
If asking for something, make it a request, not a
demand.
Language #2: Quality time
Quality time is spending time with each other, without being
distracted by other things around you.
You are both doing an activity you enjoy (or one enjoys and the
other is willing to do), to be together, and the focus is not on the
activity as much as it is on being together.
This means getting to know your spouse by talking with each
other. “What do you think about…..”
No interrupting, no giving advice (unless asked for!)
Listen to what they are saying and respond kindly to it!
Be willing to share your feelings, wishes, and dreams.
Language #3: Receiving Gifts
A gift is a visual symbol of the love you have for the other.
The cost of the gift does not matter, as much as the
thought and effort put into giving the gift.
Gifts may be homemade, bought, or found.
A single flower given a dozen times will have more
meaning than a dozen roses given one time.
Love is a difficult emotion to express,
and a gift is a visual symbol
of that love.
Language #4: Acts of Service
Acts of service is love expressed by actions. You put thought,
time, energy, and effort into deciding what would please your
spouse the most.
Love this way may be shown as helping with various chores, such
as cleaning. It may be taking the children out for the afternoon so
your spouse can have some quiet time alone.
It takes time and effort to decide what specific actions would
mean the most to your spouse.
What is important to one is not
important to another.
Language #5: Physical Touch
No, it’s not just about sex.
It may include hugs, holding hands, a brief touch to
one’s shoulder, or a brief kiss before leaving home.
We all have a need to have
physical touch in our lives,
from the time we are infants.
People who express love in
this way have a greater need
than others.
No matter what the form of
love you show,
It’s not really love if you are expecting something in
return.
Love is freely given, in a way that the other person
can understand, with no demands on the other
person to give back in the same way.
Real love is not as much an emotion as it is a choice
and a series to actions to express that choice.
You cannot change the past, but you can apologize
and make the future different.
Figure out your own love
language.
Take the simple assessment.
Then figure out the language of the person you
love. What things do they appreciate? What do
they ask for? What annoys them?
These give you clues. Try many ways until you
find out what means the most. Sometimes there
is a primary and a secondary love language.
It is very rare that you both speak the same love
language.
This works in any relationship
between two people.
Learn your own love language.
Figure out what the love language is of the other
person.
Work at keeping their “love tank”
full by showing love in ways that
the other person can understand.
Maybe you don’t want to
show love in those ways.
You’ll have to decide how important
that relationship is to you.
Don’t let your pride get in the way.
The choice is
up to you.