Ah, peril! To be the introvert forced to mingle with a group of strangers! Any of my kin know the feeling
of dread that accompanies an introduction into a new social setting.
I’m sure you can picture the scene without much effort. You arrive at a social event. You walk into a
room, or slip in, perhaps. Hovering near the walls, you survey the scene. There are so many bodies that
you can’t even tell arms from legs! They might be standing in clusters, or sitting around tables, or a
mixture of both. There’s a hum of chatter. Maybe you hear a loud chortle ringing out from across the
room.
You turn on your laser eyes and desperately scan the array of strangers, looking for just one familiar
face. You feel like you might as well be playing a game of “Where’s Waldo?”.
Painfully familiar, isn’t it? We’ve all been there, but let’s get real, navigating this sort of situation is much
easier for some than it is for others. The Introvert, aka myself, has a particularly difficult trial to
overcome. In an ideal situation, none of these people know each other and they’re all just as anxious
and lost as you are. But more likely, most of them have already been acquainted and might already be
friends.
So what do you do? There’re really only two options here; either you wallflower your way through the
social event and hope someone approaches you, or you find someone to talk to. Let’s say,
hypothetically, you genuinely want to get involved and meet new people. Option A isn’t gonna cut it.
And you don’t have any extrovert friends to piggyback on, which means you’ve got to take matters into
your own hands.
I have a few personal strategies for navigating these sorts of situations, and if you’re like me, they just
might help you, too! So here goes... my (fairly) reliable introvert’s guide to navigating social events!
I have three techniques for trying to meet new people:
1. Sneak into a group. You see those clusters of people around the room chatting it up? Well, who
says they get to have all the fun? You deserve some good conversation too! Now this might be
the worst of my strategies, but sometimes, it does work.
First thing’s first, just pick one. You can pick the clique closest to you, create a random lottery of
everyone in the room (very plausible, in my opinion), or make your judgement based on their
general vibes.
Next, you just have to go for it. It’s like jumping into a cold swimming pool—it never gets easier or
warmer, and taking your sweet time doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable. You just have to dive
right in.
You’ve got a few options for how to go about this, so just do whatever feels most comfortable for
you. I like to go for a “Is anyone sitting here?” or “Hey, there, mind if I pull up a chair?” whenever
possible. Unless someone is actually sitting there, social convention dictates they basically have to
let you in, and at the very least engage you in some light conversation.
You can also go for a simple self-introduction; just sidle over and throw out a “Hi, sorry to interrupt,
I’m ___ , nice to meet you,” or “What are all of your names?” etc. If you sit down and then they
ignore you, conserve your energy—they're not worth it.
The worst thing about this technique is you’re essentially interrupting someone’s conversation to
save your own skin, but sometimes, sacrifices just have to be made. That may not quell your
anxieties though, so if you’re like me and constantly worry that the people you’re talking to aren’t
really interested or that they’re not exactly happy about the intrusion, the good news is that politely
dipping out is easy enough.
If you aren’t feeling very welcome, think you made the wrong choice, or the conversation is just
lagging, my favorite line to use is “I think I’m gonna go mingle around, it was really nice to meet you
guys!” Does it make me sound like a suburban soccer mom? Maybe. Does it do the trick? Absolutely.
2. Find someone who looks in charge. Do you ever see someone and just know they’re in their
home territory? That’s the kind of person you need—the friendly, hospitable one. This person is
going to be the perfect fill-in for your absent extrovert best friend.
When you find your target, here’s what you need to do: Go up to them and introduce yourself. Next,
be honest with them. Tell them you’re new to the club/organization/school/whatever and that you
don’t really know anyone yet, strike up some friendly conversation, and then ask if they could
introduce you to some people. Often, you won’t even have to ask. This strategy is super effective!
Once you find someone who has an in, they’ll make you feel welcome, and can even help you meet
people you’ll really click with.
3. Find yourself. And no, I don’t mean “yourself” literally. Let’s not get too existential here! What I
mean is, if you think about it, there’s got to be someone out there who’s just like you. Someone
who’s new, who isn’t really familiar with the crowd, who wants to meet people but is just
feeling lost.
If you look around, they probably won’t be too hard to find. The lone introvert blends in only
because no one is looking for them, so keep your eyes peeled. Think like this: If I feel intimidated,
where am I going to go to collect myself or disengage from the noise of the crowd? Look for people
who are hanging around the perimeters of the room, sitting by themselves, or hovering around the
snack table trying to look like they’re engrossed in their food.
Then, and this is the clincher, go and say hi. Bet you didn’t see that coming! Approach them,
introduce yourself, and ask if you can join them. From there, you can just let the conversation flow
naturally. Once you’ve established that the two of you are basically in the same boat, it’ll be like a
huge weight has been lifted off your chests. In finding an ally, you’re taking all those pressures of
trying to fit in off your back.
So now you’re meeting new people! Making friends! Networking! Maybe even getting people’s
numbers! Congratulations, looks like you just hacked extroversion. There’s just one more problem us
introverts have to think about.
We’re expending a lot of energy putting ourselves out there and tricking people into thinking we’re not
so reserved as we really are... which means our brains are pretty much at full capacity. Trying to
memorize names and faces can get overwhelming, but somehow you’ve got to find it in you to process
all of this new information.
Memory devices really come in handy in a situation like this. When I’m learning lots of unfamiliar names
and faces all at once, my personal strategy is to write down people’s names as I learn them. I usually do
this in my notes app, along with a memorable detail about that person. This could be anything—what
they were wearing, something interesting they shared about themselves, or a notable feature (maybe
they were tall, had especially bright eyes, or wore colorful acrylics). The point is just to write any detail
about them that stood out to you. As someone who will forget a person’s name as soon as they walk
away, I can testify that doing this works wonders!
And there you have it: your consolidated guide of extrovert hacks!
All of these “hacks” are tricks that I’ve learned from personal experience, and they may not all work for
you. Our experiences as introverts might not be exactly the same, and we might be at different levels of
comfort in social situations that will change the ways we approach them.
As for me, my story has been marked by severe social anxiety that took hold in middle school and has
made making friends both difficult and terrifying. It took me years of slow progress to reach a point
where I was comfortable enough to take the initiative in social situations, and lots of trial and error
before I could form connections with people I’d never met before.
It still isn’t easy, and I still shut down sometimes, but once I figured out some general tactics to help me
cope, it opened up a whole world of possibility! My hope is that in sharing these tactics, maybe I can
help you too.