5 Tips for Coping with a
Narcissistic Family Member
Narcissists are particularly difficult for family members who can't
avoid them.
Chances are good that you or someone you know may be married to such a narcissist,
the child of a narcissist, the parent of a narcissist, a sibling, or a cousin. If so, you know
that this not only gets very tiresome, it can also wear down your own self-esteem, be
exhausting, and absorb a huge amount of your time without providing any benefit in
return. This post offers some tips for coping.
1. Don’t call them a narcissist.
This is always tempting, but it typically backfires and makes things worse. Usually calling
someone a narcissist is intended to make them stop and think about the damage they’re
doing. But people with narcissistic personality disorder can’t reflect on their own behavior
and instead become obsessed with proving that you are the one with a problem. And they
are better at doing that than you can ever be. It’s really true that they do not self-reflect
and gain insights from people’s feedback, no matter how constructive or intense it may be.
Just forget about it! You’re not going to give them insight into themselves. And you may
actually make your relationship worse.
I know of cases in which an adult child angrily confronted a parent by telling them they had
narcissistic personality disorder. After that, the parent kept dropping by their house
uninvited to say, “What you said about me just isn’t true. Now apologize to me or I’ll keep
coming back until you do. After all I’ve done for you, I can’t believe how ungrateful you
are!”
2. Don’t argue with them.
For the same reason, it doesn’t help to argue with them. They’re not going to have insights
from your feedback. And you don’t need to defend yourself, because it isn’t about you. It’s
really about them and their personality and lack of interpersonal skills. They tend to see
things in all-or-nothing terms so that the fault is all yours and all the victimhood as theirs.
You can’t change that. They constantly see themselves as victims-in-life, treated so
unfairly by those around them, without any recognition of their own part in the problem—
which may actually be the primary part of the problem. Arguing just puts them in the
emotional parts of their brains where they shift into high gear of defensiveness.
For example, some partners get hooked into arguments over who is the more intelligent
person in the relationship. Narcissists continually put out subtle and blatant messages that
their partners are less intelligent than them — observations and criticisms that just don’t
stop. They have to feel superior to feel okay. And even then, it’s a shaky feeling of
superiority which they have to constantly shore up by putting others down—especially
partners. In high-conflict divorces, narcissists fill the courts with their stories of how
incompetent their partners were — as parents, financially, morally, and otherwise. Their
courtship stories of how wonderful they are and how special they will treat you become the
opposite: They put you down to protect their superior self-image as they get a divorce. They
couldn’t have failed at marriage, they say, so it must be all your fault. And the world (and the
children) need to know that, they say. They’re just telling the "truth," they insist. Don't be
surprised by this.
3. Do focus on choices, yours and theirs.
People with narcissistic personalities are frequent complainers about their everyday lives.
They insist that people treat them unfairly and without the great respect that they are due.
They also do not see how their own behavior influences how others avoid them or criticize
them in return. If your family member is talking to you in this manner, simply let them know
that they have some choices in the situation. For example, “That’s too bad. Sounds like
you might want to put your energy somewhere else, or realize that so-and-so isn’t going to
give you what you want. You always have a choice of what to do or who to be around.
Good luck with that.”
At the same time, it helps to know that you have choices, too. Being around a narcissist
can be emotionally draining and trigger unnecessary self-criticism. You can choose to
avoid them, limit your time together, or have someone else with you when you are around
the person. Just thinking that you have choices often helps it feel less stressful. Also, know
that you can choose to set limits.
4. Do set limits on what you will do for them.
While you can’t control a narcissist’s behavior, you can control your own. Instead of trying
to get them to change, look at how you can change. One of the first places to look is at
ways you may tolerate or support their narcissism. In many families, a narcissistic sibling
or child slowly takes over by demanding the most attention and loyalty, insulting everyone
(even parents), violating the family’s rules, and manipulating its decision-making. You don’t
have to cooperate.
You can withdraw your participation in their actions against others, or even behavior
toward yourself: “If you’re going to speak to me that way, I’m going to have to end this
conversation.” “I’m sorry, but I can’t go with you when you confront our neighbor. I don’t
agree that they have done anything wrong.”
I have seen adult narcissists in court bring parents and siblings to support them in their
legal conflicts such as lawsuits against neighbors, exes, former colleagues or employers,
etc. The parents and siblings often appear worn out after a lifetime reluctantly coping with
and trying to support their narcissistic family member; trying to placate them so they will
calm down or not be angry with them. The trouble is that this has no positive outcome. It’s
better to set limits sooner rather than later.
5. Do get support and consultation.
Often people feel alone when dealing with a narcissistic family member. Your own selfesteem may be worn down after all the insults, criticisms, and public humiliation. Yet with
support from friends and/or professionals—such as counselors, lawyers, and others—you
can get perspective and learn that you don’t have to be embarrassed. There are millions
of narcissists and they are good at making their family members feel like they have a
unique problem so that they are too ashamed to deal with it by speaking to others outside
the family. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your family member may be suffering
from a disorder they don’t understand and didn’t ask to have. Tolerating their dysfunction
does no one any good.
I have seen many adult children, parents, siblings, and partners gain strength by
discussing their situation with a therapist or with friends and deciding on a step-by-step
course of action to stop enabling the narcissistic family member. In some cases, they end
up cutting ties, but in many others, they learn to get some distance emotionally so that they
no longer feel obligated to engage with their narcissism while still staying connected as a
family.
As they say in Alanon, “Let go with love.” This doesn’t have to mean having no contact. It
can mean letting go of certain interactions, discussing certain topics, or having certain
conversations at all. You can say, “I need to go now. Talk to you later.” And quickly move
on. Over time it gets easier. Sometimes writing out what you are going to say in advance
can give you confidence, including how you will respond to their predictable disparaging
comments when you set limits. Or you can have a practice conversation with a counselor
or friend before you have a limit-setting conversation in person.
Conclusion
Millions of people have a narcissist in their family; you’re not alone. These and other tips
may help you disengage from the emotional hold they have over you and others. You may
be surprised at the energy, free time, and inner peace you gain. It's not easy, but step by
step, it may be possible.
Reference:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/5-types-people-who-can-ruin-yourlife/201904/5-tips-coping-narcissistic-family-member