0 0 OPENING TITLE CARD THE SOUNDS OF INANE TELEVISION ADVERTS PLAY OVER A BLACK SCREEN. SLOWLY, A SINGLE MESSAGE COMES INTO VIEW WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE OPPRESSIVE BLACKNESS. HARD WORDS BREAK NO BONES, FINE WORDS BUTTER NO PARSNIPS. AFTER A BEAT MORE TEXT FADES INTO VIEW, ADDING TO THE ABOVE MESSAGE. Lucky Numbers 04,20,06,09,02,03 THE FULL MESSAGE NOW REVEALED, THE DARKNESS BEGINS TO DISSIPATE. FADE IN 1 1 INT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR- NIGHT A small, rundown, sports bar sits nearly empty, the glib symphony of televised messages from earlier echoing off of its walls. ALEX (a well-groomed young man in his early twenties) lackadaisically, cleans the tables of whatever food residue remains from that days meals. His manager ALAN (an older man in an ill-fitting suit) leans against the bar counter, screaming obscenities at someone over the phone. Alex sighs, his gaze shifting to a picture hanging on a nearby wall, highlighted by the glow of far too many neonsigns. The picture depicts a man, reclining in a lounge chair on a beach looking out into the sparkling sapphire ocean. Alex stares at the picture, his attention drawn to it by an almost magnetic force. 2 2 EXT.FANTASY BEACH-DAY Alex replaces the man from the picture, relaxing in his beach side lounge-chair. An ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN in a stereotypical Miss Universe style one-piece swimsuit (complete with a sash, high-heals, and even a tiara) walks over to him carrying a tray full of martini glasses, which she offers to him. ALEX Thanks babe. Alex takes one of the martini glasses and sips it. (CONTINUED) 2. CONTINUED: ALEX Ahhh...ya...C'est la bonne merde! He turns to the young woman. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2. ALEX (CONT.) That's french by the way. Means "all the good shit". He chuckles. ALEX (CONT.) Little dirty for a romance language I guess, but hey, I happen to likes my romance a bit on the dirty side. Alex turns back towards the ocean, and takes another sip of his martini. ALEX (CONT.) How about you babe? You down with getting down and dirty? Or is joining the mile high club on board a private jet more your speed? ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN (In Alan's voice) What the fuck are you doing? Alex's head whips around, to stare directly at the attractive young woman. ALEX Uhhh...wh...what was that. ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN (In Alan's voice) I said... 3 INT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR- NIGHT 3 Back in reality, an angry Alan leans over Alex. (CONTINUED) 3. CONTINUED: ALAN (CONT.) ...what...the fuck...are you doing?! Alex turns away from the picture to stare directly at Alan. ALEX Uhhh...I... Alan turns his gaze to the picture. Things suddenly "click" for him. ALAN Christ. He turns his gaze back to Alex. ALAN (CONT.) You fucking kids are all the same. Young, dumb, and full of cum. Too busy dreaming about life at the top of the mountain to think about how to get your lazy ass up the godforsaken thing! ALEX (Under his breath) Fuck you. Alan cups his ear. ALAN Sorry, what was that? ALEX Nothing. ALAN Really? Because, it certainly didn't sound like nothing. In fact, it sounded a whole lot like "fuck you". Alan steps closer to Alex. (CONTINUED) 4. CONTINUED: ALAN (CONT.) But it couldn't have been that, since, well, I'm your boss. And even the dumbest fucking piss-ant knows not to say "fuck you" to his boss. Unless that piss-ant's a-okay with being squashed. Alan steps even closer to Alex, getting right up in his face. ALAN (CONT.) And you don't wanna be squashed, do ya piss-ant? ALEX N...no...I don't. ALAN Then ya better pull your fucking head out of the clouds, and get back to work. ALEX Y...ya. Alan walks away. Alex sighs, and quickly gets back to work. CUT TO 4 INT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR-LATER 4 A bit later Alex, his confrontation with Alan still fresh in his mind, angrily goes about the messy work of taking out the trash. He gets it all into a single black trash bag, ties it shut hefts it over his shoulder, and exits. 5 EXT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR-CONTINUOUS 5 Alex emerges from the back of the sports bar, dragging the trash behind him. He angrily mutters to himself as he pulls the bag along towards... 5. 6 6 EXT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR PARKING LOT-CONTINUOUS ...the Beer Nuts parking lot, in the back of which sits a large dumpster. As one would expect at this time of night, the parking lot is empty...that is, aside from a single windowless van covered in graffiti . This, obviously, grabs Alex's attention. ALEX Are you fucking kidding me? Abandoning his bag, Alex walks up to the van, and bangs his fist on its side. ALEX Hey, asshole, this isn't a motel. Get your fucking creep-mobile out of here. He waits for a response, but is met with nothing...well not really "nothing" per-se, as he soon comes to the realization that he can hear music faintly playing from inside. Motivated by this, Alex circles around the perimeter of the van, only to find one of the back doors left slightly ajar. He pulls it open, and steps inside. 7 7 INT. BRIAN'S VAN-CONTINUOUS The inside of the van is like one big acid trip. The only light source is the multi colored LED's of a bluetooth speaker system.Pictures of geometric patterns line the walls, and while it's somewhat hard to tell, a few of them almost seem to form into faces. In the middle of it all is a single meditation cushion upon which sits BRIAN (a pale young druggie in his early twenties)a wooden DMT pipe hanging out his mouth...and a revolver in his hand pointed directly at his crotch! ALEX Shit! Startled, Brian's head shoots up, his pipe falling out of his mouth as he does so. He raises his revolver towards Alex, and stares at him with wild, tear soaked, eyes. (CONTINUED) 6. CONTINUED: ALEX L...look bro, the stuff I said earlier...total bullshit...didn't mean a word of it actually...I... Brian holds up a hand, signaling Alex to stop (which he does) Brian then motions to the empty floor in front of him. BRIAN(CONT.) Sit Hesitantly, Alex makes his way towards Brian, and sits in front of him. After a beat, Brian points to himself with his free hand. BRIAN Brian. ALEX What? BRIAN My name, it's Brian. ALEX Oh...cool...cool. Alex points to himself. ALEX (CONT.) Alex. Brian nods. BRAIN Tell me, Alex, do you believe in God? (CONTINUED) 7. CONTINUED: ALEX Uhhh...well...I mean...I don't not believe in God. but I can't say I've been to church recently or anything like that. BRAIN So, if God came to you with a mission...one of great importance, would you accept? ALEX Uhhh...well...I guess for me it'd depend on the mission. but, honestly, i'm getting the feeling that this is kind of a rhetorical question. Brian nods. BRIAN You are correct. Brian pauses. BRIAN (CONT) I...I realize how this is going to sound but...well...I...I've been given a mission...from God. ALEX O...oh... BRAIN Yes... Brian picks up his discarded DMT pipe and examine it. (CONTINUED) 8. CONTINUED: BRAIN (CONT.) One puff of this...one single puff...and I fell deep within the ocean of myself. And within that seraphic sapphire expanse I saw the face of the lord... Brian pauses, then suddenly throws his pipe causing it to barely whizz by Alex's head. BRIAN (CONT.) (Yelling) And he crashed over me like a wave of liquid fire! Scalding my mind with a message cloaked in all the divinity of the universe! Brian's outburst dissipates, and an awkward silence hangs in the air, only for Alex to break it. ALEX And...uhhh...what did God say? BRIAN That in one years time, the sins of mankind would bring about the end of days. That life on Earth in its entirety would be snuffed out by an immanent nuclear holocaust. And that I am the only one who can stop it...but... Brian pauses. ALEX But? Brian's eyes begin to water with a fresh batch of tears. BRAIN But I must prove my worth to God, by suffering as Jesus suffered. By surpassing my mortal failings, and (MORE) (CONTINUED) 9. CONTINUED: BRAIN (CONT'D) performing a crucifixion of the ego. And, to do this, I must engage in the ritualistic removal of the part of my anatomy that most embodies my ego. My penis. Suddenly realization rams into Alex like a truck. The ridiculousness of it all rising above all of the danger that has come before. ALEX: Penis?! you...you mean your cock? Bro...this whole time you've been talking about chopping up your fucking man sausage?! BRIAN: Yes, God has demanded that I exsanguinate myself via the removal of my penis in order to prevent the coming annihilation of mankind through nuclear war. The trading of one sin-filled mushroom, for another. That is the cross that I must bear. Lest we all burn forever in the flames of nuclear grade hellfire. ALEX But...your...your cock. All of this shit about God, you're telling me it's about your cock?! BRIAN: Yes I am. To be honest, I'm surprised that you'd find this so surprising. Haven't you ever looked at the holy cross and considered how much it looks like a... ALEX (Interrupting) Sure, but so do a shit-ton of things. Guns, vapes, mushrooms hell...even fucking nukes look kinda like cocks if ya squint. (CONTINUED) 10. CONTINUED: BRAIN Indeed, they do. That is by design. All of it. The penis is the source of ego, the source pleasure, the source of sin. The constant pursuit of the carnal ecstasy of the flesh, nobody can resist its intoxicating lure... Brian pauses, and looks down, staring at his crotch. BRIAN (CONT.) Not even me. ALEX The fuck does that mean? BRIAN: I...I can't do it...I've tried, but I can't. When faced with all of that pain...I can't overcome, even with everything on the line. Brian pauses for a beat, and wipes a tear from his eye. BRIAN (CONT.) I...I go to sleep, and most of the time I hope I don’t wake up...be...because I know that all of the chaos in the world is directly entwined with the dream I live.I...I can't... ALEX (Interrupting) Because you're a piss-ant. Brian stops and stares directly at Alex. BRIAN Wh...what? ALEX You're a piss-ant bro. You're a little fucking bitch-boy bug waiting to be squashed. (CONTINUED) 11. CONTINUED: BRAIN N...no! I...I have been chosen by God. ALEX Nah, you just want to find a way to feel like a big swinging dick. You're...you're... Suddenly Alex is hit by a realization. ALEX (CONT.) (Speaking in Alan's voice) You're too busy dreaming about life at the top of the mountain to think about how to get your lazy ass up the godforsaken thing! Alex pauses, caught up in a rare moment of introspection. BRAIN Fu...fuck you! After a beat, Alex exhales. ALEX Ya...fuck me. Alex pauses and looks Brian directly in the eye. ALEX (CONT.) Fuck me! Fuck all that shit I just said! Fucking fuck it raw like a fucking bowl of instant fucking ramen! BRAIN I...I'm not sure?! ALEX Brian... Alex crosses the distance between himself and Brian, until they are face-to-face with one another. (CONTINUED) 12. CONTINUED: ALEX (CONT.) ...life's a bitch bro! A big fat nasty ass bitch who gets off on donkey punching you up against a wall! Well you aren't a donkey, and you certainly aren't a piss-ant. You're a man bro! You're not the one who gets fucked, you're the one who does the fucking! Alex pauses for a beat, his wide eyes staring directly into Brian's equally wide eyes. ALEX (CONT.) Say it! BRAIN Wh...what... ALEX Say it! Silence hangs in the air for a beat, as Brian processes Alex's request. BRAIN I...I'm a m...man... ALEX Say it like you fucking mean it! BRAIN I'm a man. ALEX Louder! BRAIN I'm a man! ALEX LOUDER! A look of understanding and determination appears on Brian's face. (CONTINUED) 13. CONTINUED: BRAIN I'M A MAN! ALEX Fuck ya! Say that shit again! BRAIN I'M A MAN! I'M A MAN!! I'M A MAN!!! Brian repeats this phrase over and over much to Alex's approval, until suddenly...BANG! BRIAN Oh God! Brian has done it, he's shot his dick off! He looks down at the bloody mess of his now mangled penis, before turning his gaze upward to look into Alex's startled eyes, they both know that Brian has made a huge mistake. BRIAN (CONT.) It...it's so cold! Brian tries to get up, but he can't. He collapses, falling directly into a pool of his own blood. Alex gets up and begins to back-away, even as Brian reaches up, wordlessly pleading for help. 8 EXT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR PARKING LOT-CONTINUOUS 8 Alex backs out of the van into the parking lot. He takes one last look inside, before slamming the door shut behind him. Slowly, he turns looking directly at his discarded trash bag. He walks up to the bag, picks it up, and walks over to the nearby dumpster and disposes of it. Alex then turns and walks away, back towards the Beer Nuts sports bar and back to work. FADE TO BLACK (CONTINUED) 14. CONTINUED: