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OPENING TITLE CARD
THE SOUNDS OF INANE TELEVISION ADVERTS PLAY OVER A BLACK
SCREEN. SLOWLY, A SINGLE MESSAGE COMES INTO VIEW WITHIN THE
CONFINES OF THE OPPRESSIVE BLACKNESS. HARD WORDS BREAK NO
BONES, FINE WORDS BUTTER NO PARSNIPS.
AFTER A BEAT MORE TEXT FADES INTO VIEW, ADDING TO THE ABOVE
MESSAGE.
Lucky Numbers 04,20,06,09,02,03
THE FULL MESSAGE NOW REVEALED, THE DARKNESS BEGINS TO
DISSIPATE. FADE IN
1
1
INT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR- NIGHT
A small, rundown, sports bar sits nearly empty, the glib
symphony of televised messages from earlier echoing off of
its walls. ALEX (a well-groomed young man in his early
twenties) lackadaisically, cleans the tables of whatever
food residue remains from that days meals. His manager ALAN
(an older man in an ill-fitting suit) leans against the bar
counter, screaming obscenities at someone over the phone.
Alex sighs, his gaze shifting to a picture hanging on a
nearby wall, highlighted by the glow of far too many neonsigns. The picture depicts a man, reclining in a lounge
chair on a beach looking out into the sparkling sapphire
ocean. Alex stares at the picture, his attention drawn to it
by an almost magnetic force.
2
2
EXT.FANTASY BEACH-DAY
Alex replaces the man from the picture, relaxing in his
beach side lounge-chair. An ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN in a
stereotypical Miss Universe style one-piece swimsuit
(complete with a sash, high-heals, and even a tiara) walks
over to him carrying a tray full of martini glasses, which
she offers to him.
ALEX
Thanks babe.
Alex takes one of the martini glasses and sips it.
(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:
ALEX
Ahhh...ya...C'est la bonne merde!
He turns to the young woman. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 2.
ALEX (CONT.)
That's french by the way. Means
"all the good shit".
He chuckles.
ALEX (CONT.)
Little dirty for a romance language
I guess, but hey, I happen to likes
my romance a bit on the dirty side.
Alex turns back towards the ocean, and takes another sip of
his martini.
ALEX (CONT.)
How about you babe? You down with
getting down and dirty? Or is
joining the mile high club on board
a private jet more your speed?
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN
(In Alan's voice)
What the fuck are you doing?
Alex's head whips around, to stare directly at the
attractive young woman.
ALEX
Uhhh...wh...what was that.
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN
(In Alan's voice)
I said...
3
INT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR- NIGHT
3
Back in reality, an angry Alan leans over Alex.
(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:
ALAN (CONT.)
...what...the fuck...are you
doing?!
Alex turns away from the picture to stare directly at Alan.
ALEX
Uhhh...I...
Alan turns his gaze to the picture. Things suddenly "click"
for him.
ALAN
Christ.
He turns his gaze back to Alex.
ALAN (CONT.)
You fucking kids are all the same.
Young, dumb, and full of cum. Too
busy dreaming about life at the top
of the mountain to think about how
to get your lazy ass up the
godforsaken thing!
ALEX
(Under his breath)
Fuck you.
Alan cups his ear.
ALAN
Sorry, what was that?
ALEX
Nothing.
ALAN
Really? Because, it certainly
didn't sound like nothing. In fact,
it sounded a whole lot like "fuck
you".
Alan steps closer to Alex.
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
ALAN (CONT.)
But it couldn't have been that,
since, well, I'm your boss. And
even the dumbest fucking piss-ant
knows not to say "fuck you" to his
boss. Unless that piss-ant's a-okay
with being squashed.
Alan steps even closer to Alex, getting right up in his
face.
ALAN (CONT.)
And you don't wanna be squashed, do
ya piss-ant?
ALEX
N...no...I don't.
ALAN
Then ya better pull your fucking
head out of the clouds, and get
back to work.
ALEX
Y...ya.
Alan walks away. Alex sighs, and quickly gets back to work.
CUT TO
4
INT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR-LATER
4
A bit later Alex, his confrontation with Alan still fresh in
his mind, angrily goes about the messy work of taking out
the trash. He gets it all into a single black trash bag,
ties it shut hefts it over his shoulder, and exits.
5
EXT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR-CONTINUOUS
5
Alex emerges from the back of the sports bar, dragging the
trash behind him. He angrily mutters to himself as he pulls
the bag along towards...
5.
6
6
EXT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR PARKING LOT-CONTINUOUS
...the Beer Nuts parking lot, in the back of which sits a
large dumpster. As one would expect at this time of night,
the parking lot is empty...that is, aside from a single
windowless van covered in graffiti . This, obviously, grabs
Alex's attention.
ALEX
Are you fucking kidding me?
Abandoning his bag, Alex walks up to the van, and bangs his
fist on its side.
ALEX
Hey, asshole, this isn't a motel.
Get your fucking creep-mobile out
of here.
He waits for a response, but is met with nothing...well not
really "nothing" per-se, as he soon comes to the realization
that he can hear music faintly playing from inside.
Motivated by this, Alex circles around the perimeter of the
van, only to find one of the back doors left slightly ajar.
He pulls it open, and steps inside.
7
7
INT. BRIAN'S VAN-CONTINUOUS
The inside of the van is like one big acid trip. The only
light source is the multi colored LED's of a bluetooth
speaker system.Pictures of geometric patterns line the
walls, and while it's somewhat hard to tell, a few of them
almost seem to form into faces. In the middle of it all is a
single meditation cushion upon which sits BRIAN (a pale
young druggie in his early twenties)a wooden DMT pipe
hanging out his mouth...and a revolver in his hand pointed
directly at his crotch!
ALEX
Shit!
Startled, Brian's head shoots up, his pipe falling out of
his mouth as he does so. He raises his revolver towards
Alex, and stares at him with wild, tear soaked, eyes.
(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED:
ALEX
L...look bro, the stuff I said
earlier...total bullshit...didn't
mean a word of it actually...I...
Brian holds up a hand, signaling Alex to stop (which he
does) Brian then motions to the empty floor in front of him.
BRIAN(CONT.)
Sit
Hesitantly, Alex makes his way towards Brian, and sits in
front of him. After a beat, Brian points to himself with his
free hand.
BRIAN
Brian.
ALEX
What?
BRIAN
My name, it's Brian.
ALEX
Oh...cool...cool.
Alex points to himself.
ALEX (CONT.)
Alex.
Brian nods.
BRAIN
Tell me, Alex, do you believe in
God?
(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:
ALEX
Uhhh...well...I mean...I don't not
believe in God. but I can't say
I've been to church recently or
anything like that.
BRAIN
So, if God came to you with a
mission...one of great importance,
would you accept?
ALEX
Uhhh...well...I guess for me it'd
depend on the mission. but,
honestly, i'm getting the feeling
that this is kind of a rhetorical
question.
Brian nods.
BRIAN
You are correct.
Brian pauses.
BRIAN (CONT)
I...I realize how this is going to
sound but...well...I...I've been
given a mission...from God.
ALEX
O...oh...
BRAIN
Yes...
Brian picks up his discarded DMT pipe and examine it.
(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED:
BRAIN (CONT.)
One puff of this...one single
puff...and I fell deep within the
ocean of myself. And within that
seraphic sapphire expanse I saw the
face of the lord...
Brian pauses, then suddenly throws his pipe causing it to
barely whizz by Alex's head.
BRIAN (CONT.)
(Yelling)
And he crashed over me like a wave
of liquid fire! Scalding my mind
with a message cloaked in all the
divinity of the universe!
Brian's outburst dissipates, and an awkward silence hangs in
the air, only for Alex to break it.
ALEX
And...uhhh...what did God say?
BRIAN
That in one years time, the sins of
mankind would bring about the end
of days. That life on Earth in its
entirety would be snuffed out by an
immanent nuclear holocaust. And
that I am the only one who can stop
it...but...
Brian pauses.
ALEX
But?
Brian's
eyes begin to water with a fresh batch of tears.
BRAIN
But I must prove my worth to God,
by suffering as Jesus suffered. By
surpassing my mortal failings, and
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED:
BRAIN (CONT'D)
performing a crucifixion of the
ego. And, to do this, I must engage
in the ritualistic removal of the
part of my anatomy that most
embodies my ego. My penis.
Suddenly realization rams into Alex like a truck. The
ridiculousness of it all rising above all of the danger that
has come before.
ALEX:
Penis?! you...you mean your cock?
Bro...this whole time you've been
talking about chopping up your
fucking man sausage?!
BRIAN:
Yes, God has demanded that I
exsanguinate myself via the removal
of my penis in order to prevent the
coming annihilation of mankind
through nuclear war. The trading of
one sin-filled mushroom, for
another. That is the cross that I
must bear. Lest we all burn forever
in the flames of nuclear grade
hellfire.
ALEX
But...your...your cock. All of this
shit about God, you're telling me
it's about your cock?!
BRIAN:
Yes I am. To be honest, I'm
surprised that you'd find this so
surprising. Haven't you ever looked
at the holy cross and considered
how much it looks like a...
ALEX
(Interrupting)
Sure, but so do a shit-ton of
things. Guns, vapes, mushrooms
hell...even fucking nukes look
kinda like cocks if ya squint.
(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED:
BRAIN
Indeed, they do. That is by design.
All of it. The penis is the source
of ego, the source pleasure, the
source of sin. The constant pursuit
of the carnal ecstasy of the flesh,
nobody can resist its intoxicating
lure...
Brian pauses, and looks down, staring at his crotch.
BRIAN (CONT.)
Not even me.
ALEX
The fuck does that mean?
BRIAN:
I...I can't do it...I've tried, but
I can't. When faced with all of
that pain...I can't overcome, even
with everything on the line.
Brian pauses for a beat, and wipes a tear from his eye.
BRIAN (CONT.)
I...I go to sleep, and most of the
time I hope I don’t wake
up...be...because I know that all
of the chaos in the world is
directly entwined with the dream I
live.I...I can't...
ALEX
(Interrupting)
Because you're a piss-ant.
Brian stops and stares directly at Alex.
BRIAN
Wh...what?
ALEX
You're a piss-ant bro. You're a
little fucking bitch-boy bug
waiting to be squashed.
(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED:
BRAIN
N...no! I...I have been chosen by
God.
ALEX
Nah, you just want to find a way to
feel like a big swinging dick.
You're...you're...
Suddenly Alex is hit by a realization.
ALEX (CONT.)
(Speaking in Alan's voice)
You're too busy dreaming about life
at the top of the mountain to think
about how to get your lazy ass up
the godforsaken thing!
Alex pauses, caught up in a rare moment of introspection.
BRAIN
Fu...fuck you!
After a beat, Alex exhales.
ALEX
Ya...fuck me.
Alex pauses and looks Brian directly in the eye.
ALEX (CONT.)
Fuck me! Fuck all that shit I just
said! Fucking fuck it raw like a
fucking bowl of instant fucking
ramen!
BRAIN
I...I'm not sure?!
ALEX
Brian...
Alex crosses the distance between himself and Brian, until
they are face-to-face with one another.
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:
ALEX (CONT.)
...life's a bitch bro! A big fat
nasty ass bitch who gets off on
donkey punching you up against a
wall! Well you aren't a donkey, and
you certainly aren't a piss-ant.
You're a man bro! You're not the
one who gets fucked, you're the one
who does the fucking!
Alex pauses for a beat, his wide eyes staring directly into
Brian's equally wide eyes.
ALEX (CONT.)
Say it!
BRAIN
Wh...what...
ALEX
Say it!
Silence hangs in the air for a beat, as Brian processes
Alex's request.
BRAIN
I...I'm a m...man...
ALEX
Say it like you fucking mean it!
BRAIN
I'm a man.
ALEX
Louder!
BRAIN
I'm a man!
ALEX
LOUDER!
A look of understanding and determination appears on Brian's
face.
(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED:
BRAIN
I'M A MAN!
ALEX
Fuck ya! Say that shit again!
BRAIN
I'M A MAN! I'M A MAN!! I'M A MAN!!!
Brian repeats this phrase over and over much to Alex's
approval, until suddenly...BANG!
BRIAN
Oh God!
Brian has done it, he's shot his dick off! He looks down at
the bloody mess of his now mangled penis, before turning his
gaze upward to look into Alex's startled eyes, they both
know that Brian has made a huge mistake.
BRIAN (CONT.)
It...it's so cold!
Brian tries to get up, but he can't. He collapses, falling
directly into a pool of his own blood. Alex gets up and
begins to back-away, even as Brian reaches up, wordlessly
pleading for help.
8
EXT. BEER NUTS SPORTS BAR PARKING LOT-CONTINUOUS
8
Alex backs out of the van into the parking lot. He takes one
last look inside, before slamming the door shut behind him.
Slowly, he turns looking directly at his discarded trash
bag. He walks up to the bag, picks it up, and walks over to
the nearby dumpster and disposes of it. Alex then turns and
walks away, back towards the Beer Nuts sports bar and back
to work.
FADE TO BLACK
(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED: