The Andreas Grief Process
Developed by Steve and Connirae Andreas. This step-by-step script is intended to
accompany the video demonstration of this method available at AndreasNLP.com.
For more information about the Grief Resolution process, see Heart of the Mind,
Chapter 11.
Background Information (don’t read aloud): The grief response is a feeling of
emptiness and sadness resulting from the loss of a valued experience, usually a
loved person. However, people also grieve over other losses, such as loss of a thing,
activity, location, or information—or any combination of these. It may also be useful
to notice whether the loss is perceived as a loss of “self” or loss of “other”. The loss of
a loved spouse may be compounded by the loss of self-identity of being a lovable
person, a married person, or whatever identity that lost person conferred. Usually
loss of “self” is more intense (but responds to the same pattern).
A person can also grieve over a loss of potential—losing something he never had in
reality, but expected to have in the future (for instance a woman who discovers she
cannot have an anticipated child, or the person who has a “mid-life crisis” when it
becomes clear that the life dream is not going to happen.) This demonstrates that
what is important in grief is the loss of subjective experience, not the loss in the
“real world.”
Time is another essential element in grief. The valued experience is represented in
the past, and not in the present or future.
There are two other kinds of experience that can frequently accompany grief, and
are often confused with grief. It is important to sort these out and deal with them
separately (and differently).
1. If the loss was violent or very unpleasant, there may be an accessory phobic
response that should be dealt with by using the fast phobia cure before using
the grief pattern. The first step toward doing this is to ask the client to
separate the valued experiences with the lost person from the unpleasant
and traumatic experiences, so that you do the phobia cure only with the
traumatic experiences.
2. There may also be subsequent responses to the grief. Often people feel angry,
depressed, abandoned, etc. Most of these experiences will automatically
change when the loss experience is transformed by this pattern. Any
remaining subsequent responses can then be dealt with using other NLP
patterns after using the loss pattern.
However, if the person is angry or resentful at the lost person, it may
be useful to first do the forgiveness pattern or Core Transformation or
Wholeness Work, to resolve the anger or resentment and clear the way for
the grief pattern.
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara
Andreas ©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
Page 1
(It is commonly believed that there are five stages to the grief process that must be
gone through (in a certain sequence) in order to complete the process (KublerRoss): Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. This may well be the usual
or common sequence, but many people go on to assume it’s a necessary sequence.
We have talked to people who naturally used the grief process, and have felt guilty
or wrong because they didn’t go through all those steps, in sequence!)
Grief Process Exercise Part I
[Note: A person who is grieving typically represents the lost person as separate
from them in the past (and often in the future, too). There are many ways to
internally represent this separateness or loss. You can make an image of the person
at a great distance, you can see a dent in the bed but see that there is no one in it, or
the lost person may appear transparent, fuzzy, or ghost-like, etc. Because of this, the
good feelings of being with the valued person are lost, and the person is left with
only a feeling of emptiness. Part I of the grief process recovers the valued experience
with this person, so that it becomes a resource that is experienced in the present.]
Preliminary Step: Find a “break state” stimulus. [Note: If the client is already
crying or depressed, etc., you need to find a way to change this state to a more useful
state before you attempt to do anything else. You also need to be able to interrupt or
“break” this unresourceful state if it reoccurs. Even if the client starts in a good state,
he may plunge into grieving as you go through the early stages of the pattern, so you
may need to be able to break state later. Some options to help the client change state
are: you can ask the client to stand up and walk around, introduce a startling
distraction, ask the client about an area of competence, etc.]
“Even though we’ll be dealing with an experience of grief, it’s useful to stay in a
basically resourceful state, and just to access a little bit of the state of grief, just
enough to gather some information. So as we go along, if it looks like you’re going into
a strong state of grief, I’ll just invite you to walk around with me a bit and take some
deep breaths, maybe look up in the air, to change your state, OK?”
1. Loss (absence / emptiness):
a. “Think of an experience of loss. It could be someone or something that
has already been lost, or it could be a future loss that you are
anticipating, such as if a family member is very sick…. In a word or
phrase, who or what is it that you are grieving?” [Write this down.]
b. “And if you think about this person now, [Answer from 1a] that you
have a sense of loss about, what do you see?”
c. Check content of image from 1b: [Is the image a representation of
what was valued in the relationship? Or is the image from after the
person has already died or become absent in some way, for example
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara
Andreas ©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
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an image of the lost person dead and lying in a coffin, being already
very sick and weak, or perhaps seeing them in an accident.
If the image is of what’s valued in the relationship, go to step 2.
If the image is of the person being dead, sick, etc., invite the person to
change the content of the image as follows]:
“It makes sense that you are feeling loss, because what you are looking
at when you think of this person, you’re seeing them (dead in a coffin or
whatever), you’re not thinking of what it is you value.
“So take a moment to think, what have you most valued about this
person?... See a picture of this in your mind. For example, it could be a
specific time when they were healthy and you were enjoying their
presence. Or it could just be an image of them standing there, full of
vitality, the way you most like to remember them.
“…. Have you thought of what you most valued about this person? Are
you seeing this now?”
[Note: It is very important to be working with an image of what was
valued that has been lost, NOT an image of a person who has already
died or lost their vitality. The process will not work without using an
appropriate image.]
2. Presence (fullness): “Now let that go, really shake it off…. Now, I want you to
think of an experience of ‘presence.’ There are two main choices for this. One is
you might have had a loss that you grieved over in the past, but now you’re fully
recovered, so that now, thinking of this person makes you feel good. It’s a
resource in some way. When you think of this person, you might have a sense of
presence or fullness, as if he is still with you in some way. Even though he is
actually gone, that person still feels like a positive resource to you in the
present….
“Or, another possibility is, you can think of someone you care for who is not
physically present right now. You can think of some loved one who is part
of your life, but who isn’t actually present at this moment in the room. So can
you think of someone you love, for example a friend, a spouse, or a child, who
isn’t here in the room, but if you think of them right now, you feel good about
them. You are glad you have this relationship, and when you think of them, it
makes you feel good….
“Which of these is easy for you to think of now?...
“So think about this person now, as a presence, and notice what you see and
hear.”
3. Contrastive Analysis: “So now you have an inner experience of loss, and an
inner experience of presence, right?…. Let’s compare the two.”
[Note: There are two main ways to do the Contrastive Analysis. This is
VERSION 1. If your client has difficulty switching back and forth
between the image of loss and the image of presence, then instead use
VERSION 2 below.]
a. “Where is the image of loss located in space?… and where is the image of
presence located?” [Write the answers on chart.]
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara
Andreas ©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
Page 3
b. “On the image of loss, do you notice any representation of a barrier or
separation? For example, some people have a black dot over it, or a big
‘X’, or a foggy screen. You might not notice anything like this, but just
check for it, in comparison with the image of presence.” [Note on
worksheet.]
c. “With the image of loss, do you see what you’d see through your own
eyes if you were really with the person, or are you seeing yourself and
the other person from the outside?” [Write down “associated” if it’s like
they’re looking through their own eyes, or “dissociated” if they’re
seeing themselves and the other person.] “And how about the image of
presence?”
d. “Is the image of loss a movie or a still picture? … How about the image of
presence?”
e. “Is one of these images closer to you than the other?”
f. “Is one of these images more transparent than the other?”
g. “Is there a difference in colorfulness?”
h. “Is there a difference in clarity?”
i. “Is there a difference in 3-D vs. 2-D?”
j. “Is there a difference in size?”
k. “Is there a difference in brightness?”
l. “Notice any sounds that go with the images…. Do you notice any
differences in how loud or soft the sounds are?”
m. “Do you notice any differences in how high or low in pitch?”
n. “Do you notice any differences in the tone of the sound?”
o. “Do you notice any differences in the tempo?
[Below is VERSION 2. If VERSION 1 worked for you, skip this and go to
step 4.]
a. “Think about what’s lost, and notice the image and sounds that go with
this.” [As you continue, write the answers on the left side of the chart.]
b. “What’s the location of the image?”
c. “Do you see what you’d see through your own eyes if you were really
with the person, or are you seeing yourself and the other person from
the outside?” [Write down “associated” if it’s like you’re looking
through your own eyes, or “dissociated” if they’re seeing themselves
and the other person.]
d. “Is the image a movie or a still picture?”
e. “How close to or far from you is the image?”
f. “Is it more transparent or opaque?”
g. “Is it black and white or in color?”
h. “Is it more clear or fuzzy?”
i. “Is it 3-D vs. 2-D?”
j. “What’s the size?”
k. “How the bright or dim is it?”
l. “Notice any sounds that go with the image…. how loud or soft are the
sounds?”
m. “How high or low in pitch?”
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara
Andreas ©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
Page 4
n.
o.
p.
q.
“What’s the tone of the sound?”
“What’s the tempo of the sound?”
“Now, let go of that, shake it off….”
“Think of your image of presence. I’ll ask the same questions, and I’m
especially interested in how this experience is different from the other
one.” [Do steps b-p with the “presence” image and sounds, and write
the answers on the right side of the chart.]
4. Ecology check: “Do you have any objections to changing your experience of
this loss, so that you experience that person as being a present resource? Would
any of your family members object if you stopped grieving now?” [Be sure to
satisfy any objections before proceeding. For instance, if the client says that
grieving is a way to “honor the dead,” you can say, “What better way to honor
this person could there be than to carry him joyfully with you in your heart
for the rest of your days?” or “If you died tomorrow, would you want your
loved ones to grieve and be unhappy, or to remember you with love as they
move on with their lives?”]
5. Preparation for Mapping Across: [Go through your submodality chart and
circle all the ones in the “Presence” category that are different from the
“Loss” side. These are the submodalities that you’ll be changing into when
you map across.]
6. Mapping Across: “In a moment, I’m going to invite you to take the image of
loss and let it shift so that it’s in the submodalities of the image of presence, so
that you can experience it as present. The content that you see might stay the
same, but it’s OK if it needs to adjust to match the structure of presence….
“So first, let the image and sounds, the whole experience of the person
you’ve been grieving for, move into the location of ‘presence’…. And as it
does, it can take on the other submodalities of presence. It can become…
[List the submodalities that you circled in Step 5.]”
[Note: If you are asking them to change association/dissociation, here’s the
language for that. To make it associated, say: “Notice where you see yourself
and now step into that image of yourself, so that you just see what you would
see out of your own eyes if you were present with the other person.” To make it
dissociated, say: “Step out of the image so you see yourself with the other
person from the outside.”]
7. Testing: “Think of [the person from Step 1] now. Does it seem as much of a
resource to you as when you think of [the experience of presence from Step
2]? Is the new representation of [the person from Step1] now the same as the
presence, in terms of submodalities?” [If there are still differences, identify
them and use them to complete the change.]
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara
Andreas ©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
Page 5
Part II
[Part I utilizes whatever internal resources and codings the individual already uses,
in order to transform an experience of something lost in the past into a present
resource. However, it doesn’t automatically reorient people toward the future in a
positive way.]
[We have developed Part II from the most effective natural strategies for moving on
to the future. It includes building a sense of having access to the value of what was
lost in the future as well as now. It makes sure that the person will actively seek out
appropriate replacement experiences now and in the future. (Without this, it’s
possible that they could feel good about their internal resources, and just sit in a
closet for the rest of their lives.) After doing Part I, some people reorient toward the
future on their own, even without guidance. However, we recommend going
through all steps of Part II anyway, since it takes very little time and ensures that
you get the maximum positive response.]
1. Access the valued experience: “Think about the valued experience that you
just transformed from a loss into fullness and presence.”
2. Identify Desirable Qualities: “Let’s make a list of all the positive qualities of
that experience that make it valuable and special to you. Ask yourself the
question, ‘What did that relationship provide for me that was valuable?’ What
are the qualities that you most appreciate?” [Write them down.]
3. Transform: “Now, if these qualities were to occur in your future, what forms
might they take? How could you experience those qualities in different ways
with other people in your future? Allow images and/or sounds of these
qualities, values, or outcomes to form in another location, perhaps right beside
[the experience from Step 1] or wherever seems natural, seeing and hearing
them in a way that is appropriate to who you are now and in the future. These
images/sounds may be somewhat different from the experience you had in the
past, in order to be congruent with who you are now, and what is realistically
available to you in the future. These images/sounds might be symbolic, or they
can be somewhat vague and unclear, allowing for a variety of future
possibilities.”
4. Ecology Check: “Do you have any objections to making these qualities a part
of your future? Would anyone else in your life have any objections to this?”
[Adjust this representation and/or reframe to satisfy any objections.]
5. Prepare Timeline: “In a moment, we’ll be working with your future timeline.
Are you already familiar with what this is?” [If “yes” then skip ahead to step 6.]
“We can think about our future as if it’s arranged on a pathway, in a direction
from us here in the present. So if you think of things you’re expecting or
planning for tomorrow,… and next week,… and next month,… next year,… five
years from now,… ten years from now,… twenty years in the future,… and now if
you think of all these future experiences simultaneously, as though they are
arranged in a pathway going off in some direction from you, in which direction
do they go? If you aren’t sure, it’s OK to guess, or to choose a direction where
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara
Andreas ©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
Page 6
you want it to go, perhaps out to the front or towards the right.... OK, we can
call this your ‘future timeline’.”
6. Installation in the future: “So now, place these images of desirable qualities
into your future wherever it seems appropriate, to use as a guide in making
your life fuller and more satisfying. Some people like to take a picture of all the
qualities and multiply it into a ‘deck of cards’ that sparkle or glow, each
representing a slight variation of the original experiences, and then cast these
cards into the future so that they spontaneously spread out and fall into many
different places….”
7. Test.
a. [When they open their eyes and reorient to the present, take a
moment to talk about something distracting. For example] “Welcome
back. I’m curious, have you done these sorts of processes before, or is this
your first experience like this?” [Feel free to use something different as
a distraction. The purpose is to have a neutral state before testing.]
b. “Now, what is it like to think about [the experience that was lost]?”
8. Ending Frame. “For many or even most people, doing the Grief Process
thoroughly once is all that is needed to fully resolve their grief. However, in the
event that you notice any remnant of a sense of loss with this again, sometimes
it’s useful to follow up with Core Transformation or Wholeness Work, or to do
another round of the Grief Process, to fully transform the sense of loss into
presence.”
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara
Andreas ©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
Page 7
Worksheet for Andreas Grief Process
Problem State
Part 1
Resource State
V
Location
Barrier?
Associated or
Dissociated
Moving or Still
Distance (Close or Far)
Transparent / Opaque
Color/Black & White
Clear or Fuzzy/Blurry
2-D or 3-D
Size
Brightness
Anything Else You
Notice
A
Location
Volume (Loud or Soft)
Pitch (High or Low)
Tonality
Tempo
Anything Else You
Notice
Part 2
Write down the qualities the client wants to carry into the future.
Andreas Grief Process Developed by Connirae & Steve Andreas ©1989-91, script by Tamara Andreas
©2018-22. For more resources, see AndreasNLP.com.
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