HOME FAR FROM HOME.
“ I hope to be home soon, I miss my daughter”. This was the last statement my auntie
made before we concluded our heart felt phone conversation last week. She is a single
mom who by all means strives to fend for her only daughter.She works out of the country
and comes home every opportunity she gets to check on her daughters progress.
Sacrifices right??.Since the corona pandemic however, she has not had the chance to be
with her daughter and it is frustrating her.
A physical barrier, thanks to distance, makes it difficult for a caregiver be present during
hard times(Corona chronicles). This can have adverse effects on their emotions which can
range from anger to anxiety, to guilt and in worst cases depression.This is contributed by
the fact that the caregivers carry both the objective and subjective burden. The objective
burden can also be termed as the physical, psychological, social and financial impact a
caregiver carries caused by tangible caregiver-related disruptions to his or her life. Take
an example of the amount of money spent on flights when the caregiver makes trips in and
out of country, this is not even a quarter of the rest of the expenses spent on taking care of
their loved one!. Other instances such as lack of time and lack of money, contribute
heavily to this frustration.
Subjective burden can be narrowed down to the physical, psychological, social, and
financial impact on the caregiver caused by feelings and appraisals of the caregiving role.
Here is where guilt plays its role. I recall my auntie telling me she feels awful that she is
not around and that she is scared of something happening to her daughter and she is not
in a position to avail herself.Due to the travel restrictions in the recent days, most of the
caregivers are put in an emotional box where they live with uncertainty of what the future
holds. The accumulation of subjective stressors, such as negative feelings toward their
role or feelings of guilt about not meeting the needs of their care receiver, produces
subjective burden on the caregiver.
Amid all the negativity herein, my auntie is thankful that she has a sister whom she coparents with. This way, she knows that in her absence her daughter gets all the support
that can be offered through a trusted guardian. Not forgetting the family group calls that
are made through the internet. She holds dear this moments as they encourage her to be
stronger. It has also strengthened the bond with her daughter as the unlimited time she
gets with her online enables them to have a mother to daughter conversation. Huurray!!!!to
useful internet connections. She remains hopeful that things will get better, and I cannot
help but imagine what those in such situations are dealing with.
While being a caregiver is a life time responsibility( or at least I believe so),reducing the
negative effects of stress for caregivers should be a first step to personal self-care. This
means that the caregiver should realise that they are humans too, they get tired and can
get to a point of burn-out. If not careful, this burn-out can have adverse effects on their
health, relationships and work performance. As a counsellor in my family, I have made it a
responsibility to remind my auntie that she comes first.Her mental, emotional and physical
wellbeing have to be at an equilibrium, in order for her to be fully functional in her
caregiving responsibility. In times of compassion fatigue, I always encourage her to step
aside and evaluate herself. The emotions she is going through, the root cause and finally
what she can do about it.
Introspection(self-evaluation) enables one to take a pause and understand the stage at
which they are at before taking an action they can regret. It further helps one to avoid
falling deeper in to over- thinking leading to anxiety and fear of the unknown. Journaling
helps in such instances. If that is too booshy then, having close confidants is encouraged
as it helps one to vent out their emotions, creates room for brainstorming and helps lift the
burden as a result of care giving responsibilities. Confidants can vary, and if possible,
belong to a group of people(confidants) going through the same situation. This helps as
one is able to share their experience while they learn from other peoples experiences. It
helps one realise that they are not alone in the struggle,(ALUTA CONTINUA!!!).
For those that share caregiving responsibilities. For example, siblings who take turns in
taking care of their aged folks, it is important to have open communication among each
other. Learn to respect each others opinion and going through various ways you can all
handle taking turns in being fully available for the parents. Team work is everything,
therefore learning to compensate each others strengths and weaknesses goes a long way
in building a healthy co-dependency. Knowledge is power, getting to do research and have
a better understanding of the role a caregiver plays is of essence.This way, they are able
to better understand what to expect through the journey and techniques they can use to
help them cope with difficult situations.
Finally, speaking from a professional point of view, if it gets to a point where you feel
empty, irritable, fatigued, insomnia and loss of interest in favourite activities for a
consistent number of weeks , then it is about time you went to a
monk(Psychiatrist/counsellor). Depression often leads to suicidal thoughts and in many
cases, to suicide itself. It is okay not to be okay and shunning from seeking medical
attention denies you an opportunity to enjoy the fruits of your hard labour. REMEMBER; A
problem shared is a problem half solved!.