2/14/2021 (8) How To Make Any Conversation Meaningful : socialskills How To Make Any Conversation Meaningful FIND IT vs FAKE IT What would happen if you were talking to someone you’d just met and they told you they were a tax accountant? You’d say “oh cool,” follow it with some small talk and then get yourself stuck on a topic you don’t really care about, right? Like this… “What do you do as a tax accountant?” “Oh just a lot of looking over receipts and making spreadsheets.” “So you must be pretty good with Excel.” “Uhh, yeah, I guess I’m pretty good at it. I did a course on it last week actually.” “Nice. I can use it a bit but I don’t really use it that often…” Riveting stuff. Want to know why this conversation is going nowhere? It’s because you’re pretending to be interested. Internally you’re thinking “how do I change the topic???” but externally you’re digging for details that you don’t even want. You’ll never truly connect with anyone that way, because people can tell when you’re only faking interest, or just being “polite”. They don’t want to be in that conversation either, because it feels forced and empty for BOTH of you. So what do you do? Stop Pretending When you run out of small talk, stop digging into details that you don’t care about. Stop asking questions that you don’t actually WANT the answer to. Stop talking shit for the sole purpose of keeping the conversation going. The goal of a conversation is not simply to fill silence, it’s to connect with the other person. So if all you’re trying to do is fill silence, without truly being interested in what you’re talking about, you’re going to make it awkward. If your own words bore you, they sure as hell won’t excite the other person… so don’t say them. Give your brain a chance to find something that will actually make the conversation interesting for both of you. https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/790icp/how_to_make_any_conversation_meaningful/ 1/3 2/14/2021 (8) How To Make Any Conversation Meaningful : socialskills When Small Talk Runs Out, FIND Something YOU’RE Genuinely Curious About You’ll reach a point in the conversation where you naturally run out of obvious “small talk” things to say. Instead of faking interest and continuing to interrogate the other person, pause to find some aspect of the current topic that you’re actually curious about. You can easily feed off of curiosity to keep a conversation going and take it to a deeper, more meaningful level. Ask yourself: What am I genuinely excited or interested to learn here? To explore? To share? If you don’t actually FEEL the curiosity, you haven’t found the right topic yet. So what might spark your curiosity with the tax accountant? How about this… (if you’re interested in psychology and what motivates people to do what they do) “You know what? I don’t think I could do numbers all day — but I’ve actually heard a few people say they love doing accounting, and I’m really curious to know what it is they love about it. What am I missing?” “I have no idea; I don’t always love my job — but I guess the one thing I do like is that you always know when you’ve done your work right, because the numbers match up, and they never lie.” Now we’re getting into meaningful territory, because you’re not just pretending to be interested anymore. You’ll feel much more confident and comfortable taking the conversation in this direction, and the other person will open up to your genuine curiosity. Conversation Examples Your co-worker tells you it takes her an hour on the train to get to work every morning. After you say the obvious stuff, like “damn, it only takes me 20 minutes by car,” or “where are you coming from?”, you run out of things to say. So what hidden aspect of her story sparks your curiosity? For me (interested in productivity & learning) it’s this … “What do you do with that time? Because I always try to learn something when I travel, from books or audiobooks.” A girl on a first date tells you she has a dog named Barney. You say the stuff that comes easy, like “Aww, what kind of dog?” or “Do you teach him tricks?” — but you don’t have a dog so you don’t know to go deeper on that topic. What are you genuinely excited or interested to explore here? To share? https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/790icp/how_to_make_any_conversation_meaningful/ 2/3 2/14/2021 (8) How To Make Any Conversation Meaningful : socialskills For me it’s this (something I’ve wondered about) … “I looked after my friend’s dog a few times and it was always really needy and whiney and wouldn’t leave me alone — so I’m not sure if I’d have the patience for a dog. What’s it actually like when you have your own?” A stranger at the gym tells you he wakes up 6am every day to go for a run. You’ve never really enjoyed running. You start with the obvious small talk: “how long do you run for?” or “where do you run?” and then you get stuck. What are you curious to learn here? For me it’s this (true story) … “Man, I’ve tried building both habits — running and waking up early — but I can never keep them up for more than a few days. How the hell do you stay motivated to keep doing it every day? Like do you get to a point where you actually start to enjoy it?” You don’t have to always dig for the meaningful stuff like this in every sentence of every conversation. But whenever you feel like you’re running out of small talk, don’t fake interest — find it. If you want more actionable advice like this, get your daily dose of communication hacks and people skills here. https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/790icp/how_to_make_any_conversation_meaningful/ 3/3
