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Trauma Counseling

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Trauma Counseling 09/03/2019
This Week:
• I have been struggling with honoring my boundaries when others violate them. When I say
something they abuse me anyways; it as if it don't matter no matter what I do.
• My wife was sexually very open and I was very surprised by her behavior.
• I am struggling with step 5. It is hard to list character defects when abuse is part of the
experienced history. Most of my character defects were about surviving the many incidences
and types of abuse.
• Step 5 seems for me to be about noticing my character defects and being okay with the fact
that I may not get rid of them immediately. I am saying I am okay with imperfection or it is okay
to be imperfect.
• Shame is still a struggle to understand and to notice and feel.
• My wife was uncomfortable over hearing me say to my sponsor I slipped. She brought of the
issue to me. I said I was on the path of recovery and the slip was uncomfortable and her
concern made me very uncomfortable but I was able to deal with it with a positive attitude
good behaviors. She should listen more carefully because we both agreed I was back on the
path to recovery. I also explain there would be no disclosure until step 9. I said I would continue
my program and keep sober today and the plan was to do the same tomorrow.
Questions:
How can or what can we do in therapy to rediscover old troubles and express the associated
feelings (grief, anger) about it that I have never been able to express sufficiently as a child?
My hope is expression of feelings from old wounds can be effective in curing chronic adult
behavior dysfunction.
I need help to find and express my grief over my toxic shame, being abused, and used then
neglected. Can you help me understand the unconscious grief?
I personally suspect I have in way I don't completely understand have eroticized my pain
around the trauma I experienced as a child. And I also developed codependence to survive the
continuing abuse.
I struggle to believe any of my therapy is really me as a person. It seems so surreal as if none of
it is real. I want it to be just a dream or fantasy. I always had a powerful imagination that I used
to soothe the eternal suffering I experienced as a child, adolescent and young adult (as young
adult I was total alone and had to face my fear of social acceptance, feeling apart of the group,
but I was ill-equipped to do it in a healthy way. That why I come to therapy because I need help
and I want to learn how to fix me.
I have used fantasy as a way to soothe some of my unmet needs from the past. I also have used
it to escape the pain from that past. If in the present moment situations or patterns trigger
those subconscious feeling I can feel need to soothe my needs or escape the anxiety because
feel it will be painful.
Will the Meadows program be helpful and appointment for me?
How can I tell that adult sex-drenched thoughts and behaviors are being driven by an
underlying children trauma?
"Eroticizing of childhood trauma" seems to be trouble even if it not sexual abuse. I still have
dreams, fantasy that I am embarrassed (is this shame?) to admit and I feel guilty about. How do
I decode my core sexual scripts of a person who is straight and has gay like sexual fantasies?
Why can't I let go? How do I learn to let go?
What do you think some of my character defect would be after almost two years of counseling?
What does enmeshment mean in relationships (Piea Melody)?
How do I set boundaries with my closest family members?
Need some tips on boundaries?
Why victims do undermined their experience with trauma?
Why do most people not want to hear someone else's trauma story?
Why do I feel I am carrying weight of the world on my shoulder?
Is there something wrong with me that I feel the all the sorrow, suffering, emotional pain that
every human has felt?
I feel so distant and isolated from everyone. It like I am the only one who feels these emotions
and it is very difficult for me to shake them off my shoulders. What's going on with me?
Trauma Counseling 09/30/2019
When you don't talk to yourself kindly then you cup is empty. I can't pour from an empty cup.
My purpose is to or need to let go of my trauma.
I need to stop being struck in my past, but I don't want to close the door on it.
There is no sense to abuse! (There is no real way to make sense abuse.)
We can't change patterns of thought immediately, but I can change my behaviors towards
those thoughts.
What is my new purpose?
I am struggling because my purpose has to be for me and not for someone else.
"Love yourself enough to live for you."
Don't dwell on your trauma.
Best I am how I talk to myself; how you spend my time; who I am spending time with in each
moment.
I am not held back because I have new tools.
My purpose is to learn to live for you, my self-esteems comes from my own internal opinions. I
don't make the opinions of other my reality.
I have spent a life living for others approval and acceptance only to find an empty me. I have
worked with a purpose in raising my daughter to deal with Jessica's death which has given me
purpose, but now Hailey doesn't need me as much because she can handle herself.
I am in the same role because she is able to handle her life on her life on her own. I have lost
my purpose.
Trauma Counseling 11/18/2019
Quote for the Week:
“The longing for validation can motivate people to overcome strict upbringings, banish guilt and
shame, and find camaraderie. It can push them to find or create space where those desires
won’t be judged, but instead shared. It can be an incredible relief to know you’re not ‘the only
one’ with your particular ‘kink.’”
*Mollena Williams, “Be Careful Not to Criminalize Fantasies,” New York Times, March 5, 2013.
This Week:
I have been struggling with what I call the aftermath of childhood, adolescence and young adult
abuse. I have identified the abuse as verbal, physical, sexual, and any experience that was less
than nurturing. All the abuse has led to codependence, addiction, anxiety, compulsive and
obsessive disorders, and intimacy avoidance.
I need to stop hiding my sexual needs, urges, and fantasies. I need to share them with my wife.
It's not easy because I fear rejection and have shame (I am feel dirty, can't be spiritual during
sex,) around my choices that comes from the opinions of religionists moralists, parents and my
wife. How do I tell her how I really feel? Is sex only to create a family? Or is it to enjoy and feel
pleasure? Is it okay to experiment (try something new), and make it fun through role play of
fantasies?
It seems that sexual secrets are damaging to my relationship because it can lead me to acting
out the fantasy without the knowledge by my partner. I didn't feel safe or was embarrassed
(shame) to say how I felt. I was influenced the brainwashing of moralists who see the sexual
experience as limited; only black and white. No exploring, playfulness, or pleasure seeking is
allow because anything less would be sin. So I acted out alone and that was dangerous
considering I use sex in childhood, as an adolescent, young adult to soothe and escape the pain
from trauma (abuse). I should add the compulsive and obsessive behaviors would make my
sexual acting out in isolation a behavioral addiction. I am a sex addict.
I am convinced shame should never be part of sex. It only can lead to heartache, emotional
pain, confusion, relational limitations, no authentic intimacy, lack of compassion and no grace
(giving a gift that is not deserved). The practice of grace is the ultimate sexual experience to
emotionally and physically give to someone you value a grift that they may not deserve because
you love them is a human expression and experience we all crave the ultimate in acceptance a
experience of nurturing that only an authentic love can give to their over. I love her because it
is simply the right thing to do without any expectations of what she should think and do. I don't
decide she does. I realize Marjorie has given me grace.
I feel the need to socialize, to be affirmed by likeminded people. I have to claim for myself: I’m
okay; you’re okay with it. I am now safe, validated, vulnerable, and open to listen and share. I
am not crazy, and we’re all nice people with problems, too. It the best place to feel freedom
from judgement and criticism from others.
I am a people pleaser and I find it very difficult to negotiate for my needs without feeling
shamed and guilty by the choice of words I hear when I am asking for help. My needs go
unfulfilled which always translates into anxiety, dissonance, and self-loathing or lack of selfconfidence which is a reflection of low self-esteem and because I feel broken I never feel
worthy and all this leads me to social anxiety and ultimately isolation. "I never feel good
enough."
I need to be straightforward and less fearful of others.
I suspect in way I don't completely understand I have eroticized my pain around the trauma I
experienced as a child. And I also developed codependence on those behaviors to survive.
I struggle at believing any of my therapy is really me as a person. It seems so surreal as if none
of it is real. I want it to be just a dream or fantasy. I always had a powerful imagination that I
used to soothe the eternal suffering I experienced as a child, adolescent and young adult (as
young adult I was total alone and had to face my fear of social acceptance, feeling apart of the
group,). I was ill-equipped to do it in a healthy way. That's why I come to therapy. I need help. I
want to learn how to fix me.
I have used fantasy as a way to soothe some of my unmet needs from the past. I also have used
it to escape the pain from that past. If in the present moment situations or patterns trigger
those subconscious feeling I can feel need to soothe my needs or escape the anxiety because
feel it will be painful.
Questions:
1. What's the difference between sexual desire and sexual identity
2. When does a sexual theme, an element of a core sexual script, emerge into identity? What
do you think my core sexual scripts are?
3. I need a constructive dialogue about my physical, emotional and sexual needs. How do I do
that?
4. How can or what can we do in therapy to rediscover old troubles and express the associated
feelings (grief, anger) about it that I have never been able to express sufficiently as a child?
5. Can the expression of feelings from old wounds be effective in curing chronic adult behavior
dysfunction?
6. I need help to find and express my grief over my toxic shame, being abused, and used then
neglected. Can you help me understand the unconscious grief?
7. Will the Meadows program be helpful and appropriate for me?
8. How can I tell that adult sex-drenched thoughts and behaviors are being driven by an
underlying children trauma?
9. "Eroticizing of childhood trauma" seems to be trouble even if it not sexual abuse. I still have
dreams, fantasies that I am embarrassed to admit and I feel guilty about it. Is this shame?
10. How do I decode my core sexual scripts?
11. I am straight and I have these same sex fantasies or dreams?
12. Why can't I let go?
13. How do I learn to let go?
Results:
"Remember you helped train your wife to treat you the way she does so you need to show her
grace when it feels uncomfortable by giving her the time to change the way she treats you."
It's important to point out that my wife is codependent on me. She isn't focus on recovery for
herself. Two character defects are apparent that is perfectionism and pride. Her judgement and
criticism is a reflection of perfectionism. My wife is trying to be seen as perfect before her peers
(family and church members) and to feel validated through them is the pride!
The codependent behavior would be validation from perfectionism which leads to black and
white judgements and criticism who don't agree with her. It's about me (wife) not you honey.
Trauma Counseling 11/25/2019
Quote for the week:
"Tell me how you were loved as a child, and I will tell you how you make love as an adult."
—Esther Perel
This Week:
Frist Issue:
Core sexual scripts (CSS)—People have favored sexual fantasies: what they think about when
they masturbate, what they imagine when they have erotic daydreams, what they see when
they watch porn. We call the set of a person’s favored fantasies their CSS. CSS often “retell” or
“encode” past experiences, including significant childhood experiences.
Shame imprint / Trauma imprint on the brain.
The procreative and the pleasurable aspects of sex has befuddled me. I have failed to
adequately resolve this conflict and it has resulted in a concept in which sexual enjoyment is
more a pathologized obsessive/compulsive disorder rather than celebrated as an evolutionary
adaptation extraordinaire.
I need to (everyone can even if they feel not sexually troubled) gain insights by studying their
sexual fantasies. The imprints from childhood that link my adult behaviors to nonsexual and
sexual behavior are what I need to sort out the nonsexual and sexual meanings of my core
sexual scripts to heal from the trauma of sexual abuse.
"The sex that makes the bad feelings of the past feel better also blocks the process that allows
the wounds to heal."
As an adult I haven’t been able to stop the younger me (inter child) until I have allowed that
child to have a voice and tell his story directly. Then I can heal from the physical, verbal, and
sexual abuse. I can make peace in a healthy way that frees me from the burden of being used,
abused and neglect.
A sexually abused child can have serious adult compulsive sexual behaviors, sexual addiction, or
other behaviors with significant consequences. The sexual abuse the perpetrator was happy,
especially enjoying his power and control. I was victimized and felt no good feelings. Did I use
porn as a way to "contain" the social anxiety I felt in the present of people? With these insights
and understandings of my core sexual scripts will it significantly alleviate the impairment I am
experiencing because of my sexual interests and behaviors? Will I have more control and
choice; be less compulsive; and have less shame?
I am beginning to understand sexual fantasies contain significant nonsexual meaning and
considering the meaning can build my internal self-worth and then my self-esteem which
translates into self-confidence.
I grew up with the negative traits of my caretakers more pronounced then the positive aspects.
It was neglect, verbal abuse, and sometime extreme physical abuse and as an adult I am
compelled and drawn me to aspects that feel familiar in my childhood. These negative traits
seem more indelibly imprinted in me and it is because those traits caused the most painful
experiences. This hurtful and shameful experience is strongly reflected in my core sexual
scripts.
I am "returning to the scene of the sexual crime, trying to solve the crime by setting it up all
over again" but the inner child in me only knows how to set the scene, not how to solve the
crime. The bad things that happened to me I hold inside me as my story. The stories I "act out"
when I favor a type of sexual encounter. It is ironic that the sex makes the bad feelings of the
past better also blocks the process that allows the wounds to heal.
If I can become aware of the "non-sexual meaning" of the stories that have been "coming up"
for me as sexual fantasies I will never be able to heal. I must note that each fantasy is a mask,
and behind the mask is the real story, historic event or situation that the fantasy simultaneously
tells or hides. If I can see behind the mask of the fantasy then the non-sexual meaning, the
traumatic situation or negative memory from childhood, becomes attached to the fantasy I can
resolve the original incident and remove the compulsive need to reenact it through sexual
behavior.
Also this original incident includes feelings and expressing the sadness and the grief from the
past wound, which I cannot resolve until it is felt and expressed. (Healing the inter child.) Also
understanding the original trauma can enhance the empathy and remove the shame from me
and from my wife for me. The adult or me won't be able to stop the inner child until I allow the
child to tell the story more directly.
The pain from the past is like opening a Pandora’s box and can lead to; homophobia, and sexual
misunderstanding as a person or couple. As we speak of an "inner child" it is easy to see being
"stuck in the past" or being "stuck at the age of five." When I was hurt at age five I could not
express my hurt, and a remnant of me is that child at that time remains in me. This experience
keeps reenacting in my present life a story of a little five-year-old boy deeply hurt.
It like a kind of code, the events of the past are transformed when they are acted out (as sexual
behavior in the present. I have eroticized the pain and now it doesn't hurt so much anymore.
Because I let this five-year-old boy control my sexual behavior the "adult in me" will not be in
control of it, and this led to all kinds of trouble. As a five-year-old I don't know how to navigate
an adult life or sexuality.
I wasn't in control and I was powerless when bad things happened to me. I made excuses for
what happened. I try to partly explain what happened, but I was angry and resentful at my
abusers. And I was ashamed what was done to me. I need to somehow feel the grief, the loss,
the pain, the shame and ultimately accept what had happened. I need to go back to myself at
five-years-old and offer comfort. This need to seek comfort by me acting sexually as that little
boy can be controlled by the adult that is me.
I need to uncover the pain from the past, feel and express all the associated feelings and allow
it to free me from having to act out the pain in harmful ways. I need to feel worthy enough to
make healthier adult choices so I am not stuck in the past abusive experiences as a child,
adulterant and young adult. The success here is to quiet the inner child who needs to tell its
story and free me from addictions or other destructive behaviors that can seem miraculous, or
perhaps unlikely that they can be achieved. I have to believe therapy can work and its not a
miraculous effort it a planned and persistent effort that can be done if given enough time.
"Neglect can hurt and even be more abusive."
I have to keep in mind that what I became as an adult is a combination of my nature and my
history, which is sometime so random with variations too complex to analyze. Don't get struck
in what I think I am, if a understanding seems plausible and it leads to relief and change it is
good, but as I continue to grow in recovery even this can change to something better because
nothing is set in stone, there are no absolutes.
I have had and still do have sexual troubles. The biggest issue is the eroticization of painful
experiences and the residue of those memories (C-PTSD). I especially need to discover my
sexual self (core sexual scripts) that connect to those painful memories or events in my past.
When people's actions trigger the patterns of painful memories of my past I fail to state
boundaries and tell them to, "Stop!" Instead I am silent and allow the anixety to bring all the
painful emotions from childhood to deal with the situation in a childish manner. I sometimes
deal with the situation with anger and resentment or with silence and isolation. My caregiver
never allowed me a voice to tell how I felt and often told me, "You will do it my way or it's the
highway!" or "because I said so that why."
I need to write about my struggle with sexual identity to better understand; who I am; the
sexual fantasies I have, my shame around the fantasies, my obsessive and compulsiveness
around sex, how I processed the experience of sexual abuse, the feelings and emotions I can
remember around the abuse, my isolation, my needs as a human being, the struggle with
intimacy, my inability to be vulnerable, the social anxiety, and how my first experience led to
more trouble. I might need to write all this in two or maybe three papers!
I also realize that my physical actions with my boyhood friend were born out of a need to feel
tenderness, and affection that we both so desperately needed. This is identified as “father
hunger,” a desire to be hugged and nurtured by a man, perhaps related to a lack of such
nurturing in childhood.
Questions:
1. What are my sexual scripts? Is there shame around my sexual scripts? Can I openly talk about
them to someone I trust? Why do I have a particular sexual script?
2. What are the nonsexual meanings of my core sexual scripts?
3. What are the meanings behind positive sexual experiences glean from sexual abuse?
4. How do I give a non-sexual voice to my sexual narrative?
5. What favored sexual fantasies are encoded in my non-sexual stories that made my sexual
behavior so troubling?
6. What are the meanings behind negative sexual experience during and from sexual abuse?
7. What are the meanings behind positive sexual experiences glean from sexual abuse?
8. When is kinky sex just kinky sex and when is it a serious psychological problem?
9. What is motivating my behavior? Why am I behaving this way?
10. Am I being compelled for some psychological reason?
11. How can my therapist help me change my behavior?
12. What is driving my sexual behavior and interests?
13. What are the nonsexual meanings of my sexual fantasies and interests?
14. Can my wife have compassion and empathy for me, now that she knows my interest is a
symptom of his childhood abuse?
15. Is sexual fantasies about things I would never want to do in reality bad?
16. What does it mean to have healthy adult sexuality?
17. How do I soothe the inter child and convince him I don't need to tell the story again and
again?
18. What is the best way to acknowledge what happened?
19. How can I feel some of the victimization of what happened?
Results:
Meggan mentioned that an understanding of humility is self-esteem. To understand that I am
no better or worst then any human being is to esteem myself as good. I find worthiness in the
knowledge that I am not unique. I am perfectly imperfectly at being human and that is okay.
And all human beings are imperfect. No one is above or beneath anyone else.
Second Issue:
"Any healthy relationship will have some codependency, "give and take", but if you seek out,
maintain, or even feed off relationships that are not fulfilling or healthy then you could be
codependent."
Your wife is a perfectionist and wants everyone to see that she conforms to the standards she
was taught as a child. If I do anything that is contrary to her perceived childhood values then I
am wrong and she can only be right. She never questions what her parents taught and can't
listen or accept anything that is against them. She makes no real effort to have her own formed
opinions.
Her perfectionism leads to judgement and criticism of my actions because my actions don't fit
into her expectations of what is acceptable. She can't see the imperfections she has and that of
her parents. She lives in denial of her own imperfection as a human being.
My wife's behaviors are codependent too. We both struggle with being independent in are
physical needs and wants. Our emotional needs suffer too as well as our sexual needs.
The fact I am in recovery working my program to replace my old ways of thinking and she 's is
not really doing anything (the problem of denial of your imperfections) heightens the struggle
of our relationship as one works toward a better me and one stays the same because it is more
comfortable. All these unhealthy experiences lead to the misuse of sex, unreasonable
expectations for a partner, judgmental attitudes, and then resentments. We use our pride to
mask the disappointment we feel about are relationship problems.
When only one partner is seeking solutions to these struggles in the relationship it seems to be
not workable more than workable and I can feel dissonance with the relationship.
When she makes a mistake she will often state, "I didn't do anything wrong because (than some
excuse)." She never takes responsibility or ever states she is responsible without an augment
then apology and finally admitting she was wrong.
Trauma Counseling 12/02/2019
Quote for the week:
"It takes two people to share a feeling—one to talk and one to listen. And listening is simple
when I am empathetic to the one who is talking."
This Week:
I need a new approach to identity (sexual orientation) and sexuality which takes an adaptation’s
approach to human sexual behaviors which I believe is best when I consider my core sexual
scripts. My black and white thinking has crippled me and the toxic shame I feel that grew from
misunderstanding of my sexual identity and sexual experiences. I felt I was somehow born
broken and could never be worthy and this is who I was as a human being. This identity, the
real me was influenced by the trauma (abuse) that happened in my infancy, childhood, as an
adolescence and then as a young adult. As an adult I became struck in my non sexual and core
sexual scripts where the wounded child or adolescent controls the behavior that is childish or a
rebellious teenager in response to connections (the moments where others trigger my past
fears: social anxiety, anxiety, toxic shame, judgmental, criticism ) with other human beings.
Questions:
1. How does the brain software that generates sexual desire and arousal actually work?
2. What are the steps to define core sexual scripts?
3. What is my sexual orientation?
4. Why do I allow other people’s opinions to become my facts?
5. Why do I think my wife acts like my mother?
6. How do I react when I think she acts like my mother?
7. Is my sexual identity part of my immaturity and how is this the case ?
8. Why am I still experiencing childhood and adolescence behavior as an adult?
9. How do my character defects contribute to my immaturity in this situation?
10. How am I in denial over my experiences and expectations with my wife?
11. Why didn't I see my wife's imperfections?
12. How did my view of my wife (perfection) affect our relationship with each other?
13. How does my pursuit of perfectionism actually stopped my growth?
14. What am I close to surrendering at this time? My pride; my rebellion toward God.
15. How does Grace change me?
Results:
Need to make a chart like the co-decency chart (Pia Mellody) that shows the relationship of
humility, shame, pride, being teachable, asking for help, self-teaching, grace, practice of grace,
empathy, vulnerable, intimacy, willingness, surrender, denial, acceptance, adaptive child,
trauma, PTSD, C-PTSD and so on.
When I realize I am a mess (imperfect) is when the real growth begins. When we look at other
people's faults and not our own we avoid the uncomfortable feelings (shame) from our own
imperfections and this leads to little or no growth. I stay the same or near the same in my
attitudes and relationships. My character defects shine more in judgment and criticism of
others because I never see my faults.
This is clearly evident in my relationship with my wife. When I put my wife in the role of my
mother ( a dominant role) I get resentful towards her and show no empathy. I either respond as
a child throwing an adult temper tantrum or react as a rebellious angry teenager.
This not fair to my wife because she doesn't mean it in the way I perceive her actions. When I
behave in this manner my character defects are in play in these situations. I can't be humble in
these situations with my wife and it is humiliation I often feel because of the harsh words she
may say towards me. I must see how this shows my humanity and then the feelings of humility
when I come to recognize my faults. I am not practicing grace when my pride guides my actions.
Remember Pride is the opposite of Grace.
As a victim I was powerless over my perpetrator and I surrender to them. I became weaken by
their actions and mistakenly thought it was somehow my fault for the way I was abused by
them. I begin to feel the embarrassment of the abuse which lead to intense shame that I now
understand was toxic shame. I took on the shame of my abusers which was not my part to do.
So I learned that surrender was a sign of weakness not strength. I couldn't see my denial of my
true worth or how I esteemed myself. I was eternally stuck in a very vicious emotional endless
loop of powerlessness, surrender, toxic shame and deep feelings of brokenness. I felt I could
never be worthy because I only could see myself as broken and incomplete. I also begin to not
trust anyone and began the long walk down the path of self-teaching and this self-knowledge
made me a know-it-all and reinforced the toxic shame because of how this affected any
relationships with others. I became a lone man even in the presence of others. No connection,
no vulnerability and no empathy. I blamed everyone and only saw my pain. This made me
socially awkward and depended my toxic shame. The toxic shame became the chains that
stopped any real progress towards healing the deep wounds of childhood, adolescent and
young adult abuse.
I also need to mention that I view my wife as being perfect, no flaws, could do no wrong, even
when it was very obvious she was far from perfect. I never saw it and would only choose to see
her strengths. She never has an expectation she is flawed. I would often say, "I am bad and
need to leave her so she could find someone better than me. I am holding her back." I also
would say "I need to find a girl that is bad like me because I am not good enough for her", but
this last statement is a opposite of my real feelings because I also had a feared of abandonment
and rejection and would give in to anything she said or believed even when it wasn't agreeable
with me. We never had discussions that led to compromise, establishing of healthy boundaries
with each other and willingness to being truly vulnerable with each other which would of been
real emotional intimacy. If she admitted the obvious I didn't believe it. This behavior is so
bizarre to me, and I know it is somehow connected to me being secretive about my flaws and
sexual desires. I kept her in this place of perfection because it was safe for me to do, so I
wouldn't have to experience the emotional pain of abandonment or rejection. It's like I had to
manipulate or control the outcome of life so I won't lose my wife's love for me. I was seeking to
keep her inline and always loving to feel emotionally safe. A scary fact to realize that this is
codependent behavior Pia Mellody speaks about in her book, "Facing Co-dependent).
I can see that I played into her character defect of perfectionism which validated her and I
denied myself an opportunity to get out of the toxic shame I felt so deeply. I always wanted to
play it safe and never take any real risk. (The only risk I took was climbing because I could be in
control and the only real variable was an act of nature I was never worried about it because the
odds seem in my favor) I was very fearful of abandonment of being rejected by my wife and felt
alone. The marriage that we decided to begin was to me her acceptance of me and I never
really felt that kind of love to that point in my life. Marjorie was the first person that I believed
really loved me. It wasn't perfect because she also changed her mind many times during our
courtship, but she eventually accepted me. I see how I feared abandonment and how I
supported her character defects to avoid my fears of abonnement. So no boundaries, no real
discussion about sex, no sharing intimate details about myself (how I esteemed myself in
comparing my imperfections), no discussions about shame around the abuse from my
caregivers, no discussion about social anxiety or C-PTSD, or my desire to isolate then be social
and feel social acceptance. Also I have to be reminded that there is a lot of goodness in our
marriage and it is worth it to stay the course and improve the relationship. I felt a
overwhelming empathy for my wife last night (12/04/2019) and could feel the imperfectness of
her being and the gift of the holy spirit help me see deep into my feelings and into her fears and
insecurity over being sick and worried about work. The first place I practice grace is within the
walls of my own home with my dear wife and children. This is learning to be patient, and
reproving them with a increase in love for them and remember it is through long suffering on
my part when I practice grace toward them and not my judgmental attitude, criticism of them
that brings change. It is my long suffering of love towards them that will bring change because
this is always the will of God. If I ever have doubts that practicing grace doesn't work because
what I judge usually never looks like what is working in their lives. I have to remember long
suffering as I wait for the gift of grace from God to touch their lives. I have to remember faith in
Him who can make things right and it is on his timeline not mine. I can't control hand of God by
anything I do. It is His will not mine. I have to surrender and believe that my surrender to His
will and His work. This is the H.O.W of salvation through Grace. My honesty, open mindedness
and willingness to accept His way is the only way I will ever be accepted by God's perfect love
for me and anyone I am showing my love for their welfare. God and I teaming up to love and
help another human being feel HIs love for them. They are able to see their true worth if they
seemly accept the acts of kindness, empathy, charity and help.
The pursuit of perfectionism without the Grace of God (grace is applying the atonement by
practicing grace) is a disaster because I will surely be doing Satan's plan of judgement and
criticism. This is never God's plan; (His plan is reproving with an increase of love, patience, long
suffering.) This happens because of pride. My will against God's will or more clearly put a
rebellious attitude towards God's will or instead of His plan of salvation and not wanting to
practice grace which is the very thing and only thing that can make me pure before the
presence of God I decide to do my way of doing things. I can't return to God without accepting
grace and I can only accept grace by desiring to do everything I can to keep the convents I made
at baptism, the convents I renew by taking the sacrament and the convents I made when I was
endowed in his Holy Temple. This convent path I walk can only be done by accepting His gift of
grace by practicing grace which is not perfectionism at this time but a journey of leaning the
way of heaven through the selfish service to my brothers and sisters; God's children. We
become a team to bring souls to the tree of life by teaching by example how to hold on to the
iron rod that always leads to eternal life.
Message sent to John T.
Enjoy buddy, I have found these talks powerful in understanding how and that I am not as
broken as I think. Only one person lived a perfect life and that was Jesus Christ and this means
all of us are clearly sinners. It is the gift of grace that makes it possible to be washed clean. I am
not earning heaven I am learning heaven through my desire to do my best (I do this because I
love the Lord, not because I am perfect or even need to be at this time), knowing my efforts are
never completely enough without Christ's atonement. I am working in my life by grace which is
not a backup plan; it is the plan. It's a gift we don't deserve; it is a gift that we can't earn. It is a
grift we can accept; and we accept grace by practicing it. When I reach out and help another
human being without selfishness, l lose myself in the practice of grace. I practice loving my
neighbor as myself. It is important to understand grace is before sin, it is not sin before grace.
This is what it is; because God loved us so much that he sacrificed His only begotten son so we
would have a path back to heaven. We work with Christ as a team to love with empathy toward
and to help another human being to understand their true divine connection and potential. (All
of us our children of God; I am a child of God) Remember the worth of one soul is great in the
sight of God. To bring even one soul unto God brings the joy that is validation to my soul that I
am worthy and if I bring many souls unto God how great shall be my joy? This can only bring us
to salvation and our calling election made sure by the more sure testimony of the spirit. This is
the gift of the Holy Ghost. This why baptism is so important because you covenant with Christ
that you will practice grace and He will bestow the gift of the holy ghost so you will be made
pure through the Holy Ghost and His infinite atonement by the grace we decided to accept
when we help another human being. I love you John and pray that the spirit will help you too.
"Beware of Pride" on YouTube https://youtu.be/A1JOPxa8ztk
"Pride and the Priesthood" on YouTube https://youtu.be/2zanJexA5SE
"The Gift of Grace" on YouTube https://youtu.be/hbypUwECb8E
"The Merciful Obtain Mercy" on YouTube https://youtu.be/LaM71ULPWes
"His Grace Is Sufficient" on YouTube https://youtu.be/yLXr9it_pbY
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