Fuckin’s Perfect:
A Gay Guy's Journey for
Love
By Yassine El Rhaffouli
Dedication
This work is dedicated to my dearest friend
Markus who has immensely helped me in
realizing such a work for the first time. If it has
not for his encouragement and his dedicated
time to me, I would have realized this short
story as my very first work.
This work also goes to my dearest friend
Idriss who has accompanied me during this
journey and who has been a wonderful friend of
mine.
Lastly, this work is dedicated to all LGBT+
people, and I hope they’d enjoy reading it.
Thank you
all
My
wishes
best
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T
his is how my first love story happened. I was unaware of many things, yet
not to say I was fool to believe in certain things. Here I am now back in my
room remembering the past. With each breath, I unleash my sorrow carried
within the smoke of my cigarette. I can see that with the sunset, all birds
return to their safe and warm nest – to their lovers. If I had not chosen that choice,
would I have lived in this grieffully agony? A question I would never get answered.
As the moon had taken the sun’s place, I had to get some sleep. I laid down on my
bed, but I could not sleep, for every piece in this room reminded me of him. I wished
I could get him out of my mind and move on already.
I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of cockroaches outside in my
backyard. The wind was ruffling gently. I went back to that day, the day I got to
know him. It was a very typical morning where I had to get myself prepared to get
to school; I had drunk my coffee and eaten my omelet. I ran to my car and took off.
As soon as I arrived, I wrote the date on the blackboard along with the title of
today’s lesson. “Read the text in page 20.” I said to my students. I needed a way to
stall for time, so I can check out my phone and get a grip of the internet. I got
online and accessed a dating website. The students were happy because I was
distracted, and they started making a racket. I set up my profile as quickly as I
could because the students’ noise was unbearable. “Silence!” said I. The calm and
tranquility returned to the classroom.
I was hoping that my classes would end as quickly as possible. It was around
18:30; I took off to a nearby bar to drink some wine. It was so full of sweating men
with hot bodies. I sat before the counter and stared desirably toward the bartender.
I brought out my phone from my pocket and checked it out. I accessed the website
again; I logged into my inbox, yet not a single message. I was almost as that
invisible man. I was so disappointed, and kind of desperate. I carried my
disappointment and headed home. All the way home, I could think of nothing but
my miserable life. I am a twenty-five-year man, living alone, and virgin. I stepped
in front of the door, unlocked it, and laid on my bed.
Instead of waking up on the clock’s ringing, I woke up on the sound of my
phone notification. It was an email from that website, and it reads, “Brian87 has
sent you a message. Log into your account to respond.” It was miraculous to me.
Without even getting off my bed, I logged into my account; I answered him, and we
started chatting. “My name’s Matthew, and I’m 35 years old,” he said “I was willing
to get to know somebody cool.” He added. “Nice meeting you, Matthew!” I
answered, “My name’s Peter and I am an English teacher. I am 25 years old, also,
looking to hook up with somebody.” Our discussions flowed the next couple of days,
and we decided to meet in person.
“Hello! Peter, are you applying for the new masters program?” Melanie said
over the phone.
“Yes! Definitely! Could you please file me the requirements sheet?” I
requested.
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“Oh! Sure, I will send you a copy through email,” she said “but there is one
thing you should really get done as quickly as possible.” she added.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a level test you have to take before enrolling.” She answered. “I will
send you the calendar of the different sessions they hold to pass the exam.” She
added.
“Oh! God! Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done without
you!” I said.
At that time, I realized that I would have to travel to the nearby city to take
a French test. That had spoiled my plans of meeting Matthew. I met Melanie, and
we discussed a lot about our master program. Then, we switched to talk about our
personal life and affairs.
“So, are you seeing anyone interesting? Or are you more like me?” I asked.
“Shut the fuck up! Of course, I am like you, still single.” She sighed when
she said it.
“Are we ever going to get to know somebody?” I asked again.
“Who knows? But we’d better keep up our educational plans because we’re
gonna need it if we remained singles.” She said teasingly.
“Tell you what. Why don’t we make out with each other?” I was trying to
mock her.
“Ah! Oh! That’s so funny, or are you being silly, huh?” She said.
“Being ridiculous, probably.” I said. “Well, I was about to meet this guy who
I got to know online.” I added.
“Please, don’t tell me you’re one of those who go online looking for dates.”
She said.
“I wasn’t, but then again I took a shot that’s all.” I answered.
“Well, if it turned well, tell me about it. I might try it myself.” She said.
“I’ll get it!” she said as the check came.
“Oh! No! Let me get it!” I said.
“Oh! You’re gonna need that money for the test, honey” she added.
“Do I have to pay a fee or something?” I asked.
“Well, yeah! Of course you have to.” She answered.
I had to arrange my travel to the nearby city. I made my hotel reservation
for two nights. I had my suitcase packed. All was ready. I got a message back from
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Matthew saying that he would die to meet me as soon as possible. I had to bring
him down with my two-day travel. He was so eager to meet, and so was I. I spent
the whole night talking to him.
The next day, I had to get up early, which I could not afford because I was
up all night chatting. I had my train around noon, and I almost missed it if it were
not for Melanie who dropped by and drove me to the train station. The trip took
me an hour and a half, but I really enjoyed it because Matthew was with on the
phone. I took a taxi towards my hotel to check in. I had a lovely view on a beautiful
garden full of trees and flowers. I could smell the aromatic odor of the wonderful
flowers as I opened the windows. I had spoken for a while with him and left to the
institute.
I had to queue for a half an hour to get my application. I had some self-doubt
back then, but I regained my confident quickly as I grasped my application. I was
escorted to the exam room. It was so beautiful and well decorated. It was so colorful
and vivid. It had an interesting library with its shelves piled with different books.
I can still remember the sunlight coming in from a rectangular, white window. It
was so beautiful indeed. I saw a woman with a short haircut, black blouse, and
blue jeans. She was French. “Suivez-moi, s’il vous plait.” She said, which means:
follow me, please. She offered me a seat in front of a computer. There were three
other examinees. We were three boys and one girl. The girl had the last seat
against a wall while I was at the first seat in front of the beautiful window that
shed light into the colorful room. The French woman asked us to put on our
headsets, and start the program, which will provide us with the exam.
Indeed that was what I did. The first exam was reading passages with two
or one questions. We had about half an hour to finish the first portion of the exam.
The next section was mostly listening skills where you have to listen to a situation
and respond to the given questions. The third sections was about grammar, which
I went through quickly sometimes not even knowing whether my choice was right
or wrong. Before we could move to the writing section of the exam, the examiner
offered us a break. I did not take her offer, for I wanted to finish as quickly as
possible. Therefore, I proceeded alone. The other examinees went to take a rest. I
wrote about the topics they had given us, which seemed to be quite easy to me. I
was the first to finish. The French examiner asked me to return after two weeks
from that day in order to get my certificate. I went back to the hotel and slept.
I woke up the next day ready to check out. I was so happy because I would
afford free time to meet Matthew this time. I went back to my place, took a shower,
and put on my most fabulous clothes. I was waiting for him to call me, but he did
not. I was so curious to know why he did not call me although he is more eager to
meet me than I do. I switched my phone off because I did not want to talk to anyone.
I put on my pajamas and went to bed.
I watched a romantic movie before I slept. I was imagining my life with
Matthew by putting it into that movie’s plot. I had many expectations. I wanted
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him so much. However, I could not even hear his voice that night as I used to,
which made me ponder even more. That had been my problem all the time –
thinking too deeply about anything. Maybe I was affected by the romantic movies
I had seen, but I know that love exists somewhere. I asked myself plenty of
questions. The thing is I did not want any answers altogether. I questioned
everything.
As soon as the sun rose, I checked my phone hoping that I would find a
message from him, but it was in vain. Fortunately, it was Sunday and I did not
have to work. Maybe I was wrong and I should not have grown too attached to him.
Nevertheless, that was my fatal flaw. If I loved someone, I could sacrifice anything
and give it to them. The big issue is that I always encounter people who do not
appreciate my presence. I never quarreled with anyone, but instead, I fade away
quietly. Most of them are stricken by my absence; only then, they realize that
someone had been giving many perks to them.
I was somewhat fool to believe that I could have that Barbie-dream date
every gay guy wants. My weekly routine started again, and I went through it as I
typically do. I had not heard of Melanie for a while, too. It was all quiet – I was all
by myself. I come home, and all I can hear is the wind ruffling through the opened
windows. In the kitchen, I hear only dishes and glasses colliding with each other
as I wash them. A life of loneliness I had been living. Instead of having someone
whispering affectionate words into my ears, I had altered that with the sound of
my television. I would put a movie in my DVD player and listen to it as I fall asleep
gradually. It was lonely, quiet, and dismal, but I liked, though.
I was not sure whether I was ready for commitment. To be tied up to
someone is a huge leap, which I should think about thoughtfully. That night was
calm. People were outside walking with their families and loved ones. I was staring
at them from my window. The breeze was very nice for those who are enjoying it.
I turned to my computer to finish preparing the midterm exams. As I was typing
and searching, I received a message from him. “Listen, I’m sending you my
address, come meet me now!” he sent. I received his address. I did not know what
I should say back. Actually, it was one of the two answers – either yes, or no. to
prevent further explanation, I said that I would be coming. I prepared myself, but
not as gorgeously as last time. I did not care how I looked like, or whether my hair
is combed, or even if I have something stuck between my teeth. I wanted to get this
encounter over with. Because I did not know where his home exactly is, I had to
take a taxi.
It was dark, and I could hear dogs barking everywhere. The taxi stopped in
front of kindergarten. I stepped out of the vehicle, and texted him. “I’m coming.”
He said. Before he arrived, I took the time to ask myself why I am doing this. I was
thinking of going away before he even arrived. I was not sure if this encounter
would be okay. All kinds of bad thoughts had started to come to my mind. “What if
he’s some sort of murderer? Would someone even notice if I died?” I asked myself.
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“I shouldn’t have come in the first place,” I said to myself “listen to all of these
people passing by laughing; will I even live up afterwards to laugh, too?” I asked
myself. I was afraid. As soon as I wanted to turn around and return from whence
I came, “Hello! Glad you could make it.” I heard.
“Hi! I’m glad too I could meet you.” I said.
“Well, we’ve been delaying our meeting for too long, and I just had to meet
you.” He said.
I could not keep my eyes off his bald head. Because I was taller than he was,
my eyes were fixed on his head. He had a dense beard. We were walking hand in
hand, and there had been a romantic silence.
“Oh! Could we stop holding hands, my neighbors can get crazy about seeing
such things.” His voice penetrated the silence.
“Oh! Sure, I didn’t know.” I said, but I did not mean it. I wished we could
remain holding hands.
“Well, I have my room totally isolated from our home, so we won’t be disturb
at all!” he said happily. I said nothing at this part.
He opened up their backyard door. It was dark and I could not see a thing,
nor could I see where I put my foot exactly. Suddenly, I jumped terrifyingly in the
air. He kept a dog there. “don’t be afraid” he said as he held on to the dog’s belt. I
kept moving until I reached the little room he set up in their backyard. He brought
up his keys out of his pocket and opened the lock. “Come on in!” he said jubilantly.
He had a nice room, with a TV set, a sink, and his bed, of course, on which we both
sat silently.
“You look more beautiful than your picture.” He said trying to flirt with me.
“Thank you! You are handsome yourself.” I said because that what I was
expected to say.
Without any further introductions, he started running his fingers through
my hair. He leaned on his back, and I followed him. I ran my fingers through his
bald head, and then, I moved on to his dense beard. At this point, I totally forgot
about all of the fearsome thoughts that bothered my mind. What I was thinking
about is a wish – I wished I would be good because it was my first time. We kissed.
His beard tickled me a bit. I put my head on his chest and relaxed. I was feeling
his hand going up and down my back. I was comfortable because that had been my
dream – to put my head on a man’s chest and relax. Now, I am doing it.
He lit up a cigarette and started smoking. As soon as he was done, he pulled
me to him and kissed me; I sensed the taste of the cigarette from his mouth. I felt
so disgusted. Henceforth, we did not stop kissing at all. He got me turned on, and
so does he. I took my shirt off and took his, too. He took my pants off, and so did I.
He had a small dick – smaller than the average. I started rubbing it while kissing
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him. He was rubbing my back and my ass by his hands. Before I knew it, I felt his
index finger inside me. I kept on kissing. I can still remember that my mind was
empty that time – not a single thought, only void. As his dick got hard, he inserted
another finger in my ass. I got so horny. He took his fingers out and replaced them
with his small dick. I did not feel a thing actually. However, it felt good. We fucked
for a few minutes. Since I was above him, I had the control pad. I had risen my ass
off his dick and started jerking him off. He shot all over his boy and mattress. He
gave me a towel, and I cleaned him up. We started to kiss again. I whispered in his
ears “I have to go.” I put my clothes on again and waited for him to smoke again.
I wanted to seize control of the opportunity. As he smokes, I kept my head
on his chest and said, “Can you bring me some water?” “Sure!” he answered. He
gave me a glass of water, which I fully drank because I was thirsty. He walked me
out the same way he walked me in. I took a taxi and went home again. I did not
take a shower as everyone does after sex. All I wanted to do is to sleep. Even now,
my mind is still empty; I could not think of anything at all. Probably, I did not want
to. “Did I really do it?” I asked myself. The real question I should have asked myself
was whether I enjoyed it or not. I slept with the thought that I had been with a
man for my first time. I had made love for the first time. It was so wonderful to
think about. I got excited about the future. However, I managed to sleep.
I took a shower the next day. I was release now from what happened last
night. I checked my phone and found nothing from him. I also wanted him not to
contact me afterwards. I knew that all of what happened meant nothing to him
and to me, too. We barely knew each other. However, I had the option to keep in
touch with him now that we made love. Nonetheless, he was not the type of man I
would like to stay with. Without any rational thinking, I had chosen not to meet
him again. I may regret this choice later on, but something deep inside me
suggested this. Oftentimes, our heart knows more than we do; our unconsciousness
sees beyond what our eyes can. In other words, the choices we made according to
our deep instincts can never be regrettable, in most cases.
And so, his secret had remained for me to know, and for everyone else to
guess. I opened up my eyes and stood in front of my window; I took a deep breath;
I lowered the curtains; and I went to sleep with a mind full of void. I know that I
will not be annoyed dreaming about him, for he has become a memory. Accurately
speaking, he has become an unforgettable experience. I realized that life has more
to offer than the mere objectives everyone else think of. Many would accuse us of
not telling the truth, but the truth depends on the person himself. The aims you
set up for your life, things you believe in, and things that might bother and haunt
you are considered truth because you wanted to.
This is how I enjoyed my life. With each new day, I try a new adventure. I
would not let such thoughts haunt for the rest of my life. I returned to my daily
life, and I am glad that I had had my first experience with a man. Yet, that is not
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an accomplishment I can be proud of, for there are many great things out there
awaiting.
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