Antti Hietala
LOVELY PEOPLE
Performance rights managed by Nordic Drama Corner Oy.
English translation © Kristian London 2015. All rights reserved.
This translation was funded by the Kone Foundation.
2
CAST:
HUSBAND
WIFE
GIRL
BROTHER
3
SCENE 1 a
HUSBAND and WIFE enter their home. HUSBAND pulls out an
empty suitcase and opens it.
HUSBAND
I’m beat.
WIFE
OK.
HUSBAND
I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. I might have Lyme
disease or something.
WIFE
OK.
HUSBAND
Some sort of inexplicable exhaustion.
WIFE
I’m sorry, honey.
HUSBAND
OK.
WIFE
Why don’t you go to bed?
HUSBAND
I can’t exactly go to bed. It’s only eight o’clock.
WIFE
I guess not.
HUSBAND
If I go to bed now, I’ll wake up at midnight and then I’ll
be up all night.
WIFE
Sure, right. You’re right.
HUSBAND
What are we going to do now?
WIFE
4
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
HUSBAND
What are we going to do now?
WIFE
Good God.
HUSBAND
Aha.
WIFE
Ooooh.
HUSBAND
What do you think?
SCENE 1 b
HUSBAND and WIFE enter their home. HUSBAND pulls out an
empty suitcase and opens it.
HUSBAND
I’m beat.
WIFE
OK.
HUSBAND
I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. I think I might
have Lyme Disease or something. What are we going to do
now?
WIFE
You’re an imbecile.
HUSBAND
Of course I am.
WIFE
You have a gene missing in your brain. It’s bizarre. Words
are coming from your mouth, but they don’t really mean
anything. They’re just noise.
5
HUSBAND
OK. Thanks for the info. But what are we going to do now?
WIFE
We’re going to fucking pack.
HUSBAND
So we’re going?
WIFE
Of course we are. What’s wrong with you?
HUSBAND
Nothing.
WIFE
Don’t you want to go after all?
HUSBAND
Yes.
WIFE
So what’s going on then?
HUSBAND
Come closer.
WIFE
You want me to sit on your lap?
HUSBAND
Yes, please.
WIFE
OK. Sits on Husband’s lap. Well, what is it?
HUSBAND
This is nice, isn’t it?
WIFE
It sure is. This is nice.
HUSBAND
Why do we have to take a trip?
WIFE
We don’t have to do anything. Stands.
6
HUSBAND
Where are you going now?
WIFE
I’ll pack while you talk. Do you have any idea where the
key to the deadbolt might be?
HUSBAND
It’s in the fuse box.
WIFE
I looked in the fuse box. It wasn’t there.
HUSBAND
Yes, it is.
WIFE
I said I already looked.
Walks over to the fuse box.
Here it is.
HUSBAND
Well, whaddaya know.
WIFE
How is that possible, that I looked in here and didn’t see
it even though it’s right here, where it’s supposed to be?
How is it possible that I can look and not see?
HUSBAND
It’s your brain. Your brain decided the key wasn’t there,
so you didn’t perceive it. Your brain was already searching
for it somewhere else; it was thinking the laundry hamper
or something.
It didn’t have the time or the capacity to see what it had
decided not to see. Your brain constructed a reality based
on the premise that the key to the deadbolt was somewhere
else. And it was completely true for you. Your brain...
WIFE
OK, OK, I got the message.
7
SCENE 1 c
HUSBAND and WIFE enter their home. HUSBAND pulls out an
empty suitcase and opens it.
HUSBAND
So that’s that.
WIFE
Yes, thank God.
HUSBAND
OK.
WIFE
Let’s take a couple of deep breaths first.
HUSBAND
I love you.
WIFE
I love you, too.
They hug. They sit.
You want to start packing?
HUSBAND
Yeah. That’s kind of what we were...
WIFE
Cookie can water the plants.
HUSBAND
Cookie.
WIFE
Yes, Cherise. Cookie. Someone has to; they won’t survive
without watering.
HUSBAND
You’d think it would be Cheri. Cherise, Cheri. Why is it
Cookie?
8
WIFE
I don’t know. What are you thinking about?
HUSBAND
That’s a totally idiotic nickname.
WIFE
I can call someone else if you want. Do you want me to call
someone else?
HUSBAND
No, that’s fine. Cookie will water the plants. Is she a
close friend of yours?
WIFE
No, but she lives nearby. Why?
HUSBAND
It’s just that we have to give her keys to the place.
WIFE
Of course we do.
HUSBAND
But she’s not a close friend.
WIFE
I know her. What are you...?
HUSBAND
Know her how?
WIFE
She’s Rainer’s sister.
HUSBAND
Rainer.
WIFE
Yes. Rainer. My colleague, Rainer. He and his wife came
when we had that...
HUSBAND
Bettina.
WIFE
9
What?
HUSBAND
Rainer and Bettina. I remember them. They were here and
Bettina threw up. Drank half a glass of red wine and
vomited. She has some sort of allergy.
WIFE
She had already had a couple at home; company makes her
nervous.
HUSBAND
Really? I thought she was sober.
WIFE
She was bouncing off the walls.
HUSBAND
Her eyes were so bright.
WIFE
Crazy gleam in them.
HUSBAND
She spoke very knowledgably about location. Location,
location, location. That’s what she said.
WIFE
Shouted.
HUSBAND
I was impressed.
WIFE
By what? Bettina or what she said about location?
HUSBAND
Bettina. People who are so in tune with their emotions make
an impression on me. She was crying.
WIFE
She was?
HUSBAND
I went into the kitchen to get more wine and she was in
there, crying.
10
WIFE
Why?
HUSBAND
She said nothing matters and she’s a clump of dog shit
smeared across the bottom of her shoe. I remember it
clearly. A clump of dog shit smeared across the bottom of
her shoe.
WIFE
What did she mean by that?
HUSBAND
I have no idea.
SCENE 1 d
HUSBAND and WIFE enter their home. HUSBAND pulls out an
empty suitcase and opens it.
WIFE
Why did we buy tickets if that’s the way you’re going to
behave?
HUSBAND
I’m not behaving like anything.
WIFE
You’re being apathetic.
HUSBAND
I’m not apathetic. I’m concentrating.
WIFE
Right.
HUSBAND
11
I have a few things to take care of.
WIFE
You and your things.
HUSBAND
Come on, don’t be that way. Knock it off.
WIFE
OK.
HUSBAND
The deal is, these things might be totally simple for you,
but we’re not all made the same way.
WIFE
No, we’re not.
HUSBAND
I am so fucking pissed off.
WIFE
Tell me what’s going on.
HUSBAND
It’s that fucking Vietnam.
WIFE
What?
HUSBAND
Vietnam. Vietnam.
WIFE
Yes, I heard you. It’s been less than an hour since we
bought the tickets and you were completely enamored and
going on and on about the plants you wanted to see and what
a great idea it was to pick Vietnam. That’s what I’m not
understanding here.
HUSBAND
”Diseases still appearing on occasion include cholera –
parentheses Hanoi and surrounding provinces – avian
influenza, rabies, and Japanese encephalitis.”
WIFE
And?
12
HUSBAND
We can’t go to the provinces surrounding Hanoi.
WIFE
Is that where you wanted to go?
HUSBAND
That’s what I’d been dreaming about.
WIFE
Go fuck yourself.
HUSBAND
Is there any point to this trip?
WIFE
I guess not, then.
HUSBAND
I’m serious.
WIFE
What do you mean? What point?
HUSBAND
Will anything happen? Will anything change? Is this what
we’ve been waiting for?
WIFE
I don’t know.
HUSBAND
We’re expecting something, I don’t know, change, but
there’s no guarantee it’ll come.
WIFE
This is a vacation.
HUSBAND
I know, I know. This is a vacation, this is a vacation. But
it’s all we have. It’s what we live for. We convince
ourselves to keep going and put up with all kinds of shit
and then we drive from one day to the next on our fog
lights because now we have a goal. Something, anything.
Some reason to suffer. Don’t you agree?
13
WIFE
OK, forget it.
HUSBAND
Really?
WIFE
No, let’s just forget it, then. We can, for all I care.
What the fuck am I doing here? Are you expecting me to tell
you why we should go and convince you that everything’s
going to be great? That we’ll go on vacation and fall in
love again and everything is going to be simply lovely?
They don’t sell travel insurance for that. Will you get rid
of that goddamn suitcase! Shuts the suitcase and hurls it
away. Let’s stay at home, not do anything. We won’t catch
Japanese encephalitis or rabies or anything, goddammit.
HUSBAND
Have you started smoking?
WIFE
We don’t need these either. What are these? Some some. Some
goddamn plane tickets.
Digs through her purse. Finds the plane tickets. Uses her
lighter to burn them. They sit. WIFE lights up a cigarette.
SCENE 2 a
WIFE uses her lighter to burn the plane tickets. They sit.
WIFE lights up a cigarette.
WIFE
This is starting to drive me crazy. Stubs out her
cigarette.
HUSBAND
Where are you going?
WIFE
14
Out. I’m going. Somewhere. Exits.
SCENE 2 b
WIFE uses her lighter to burn the plane tickets. They sit.
WIFE lights up a cigarette.
HUSBAND
Let’s fall in love again.
WIFE
What?
HUSBAND
That’s what you said. Let’s fall in love again.
WIFE
Right.
HUSBAND
Again. Who can be bothered? Again.
WIFE
Exactly.
HUSBAND stands.
HUSBAND
I’m going out for a drink or two.
WIFE
Aha.
HUSBAND
No cause for concern.
WIFE
No. Of course not.
15
SCENE 3 a
Bar. Very loud music. HUSBAND and WIFE are sitting at
different tables.
SCENE 3 b
Bar. HUSBAND and WIFE are sitting at the same table.
SCENE 3 c
Bar. Very loud music. HUSBAND and WIFE are sitting at the
same table. HUSBAND throws a drink in WIFE’s face.
SCENE 3 d
Bar. HUSBAND and WIFE are sitting at the same table.
HUSBAND stands, pours a drink over his own head, exits.
SCENE 4 a
Bar, at the counter. WIFE and GIRL.
WIFE
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One tequila, please. Do you have a napkin? Something to
wipe myself off?
GIRL
I have a tissue.
Hands it over.
WIFE
Takes the tequila from the counter.
Thanks.
GIRL
Crazy, huh?
WIFE
Such an asshole, such a total asshole. Fuck.
GIRL
I was talking about this place. Pretty crazy tonight.
WIFE
Fucking insane. Did you see what he did?
GIRL
Yeah, weird guy.
WIFE
That’s my husband.
GIRL
Why did he pour that drink over his head?
WIFE
What?
GIRL
I was just asking why he...?
WIFE
In my face. Look. He threw it in my face.
GIRL
Oh, I saw wrong.
WIFE
Exactly.
17
GIRL
Been dancing a lot.
Meeting people.
WIFE
Yes, well. Have you met anyone?
GIRL
What?
WIFE
Have you met anyone? Today?
GIRL
I’ve met you. You seem nice. Last call always comes so
early.
WIFE
Isn’t that the truth.
GIRL
Time sure flew by again.
WIFE
Aren’t you drinking anything?
GIRL
No. I’m straight-edge. Just ice water. And E.
SCENE 4 b
Bar, at the counter. HUSBAND and GIRL.
HUSBAND
Aren’t you drinking anything?
GIRL
No. I’m straight-edge. Just ice water. And E.
HUSBAND
Look at her. Not the tiniest movement. Sits there like a
totem pole. That’s my wife. From over here, she looks like
18
a total stranger. I watch quite a lot of pornography. I
haven’t come across a single woman who reminds me of my
wife in terms of personality. Women like that don’t do well
in the porn industry. They don’t know how to play. OK, you
might think she’d make a good dominatrix, but she wouldn’t.
If you handed her a whip she’d start whaling on you like a
gorilla. If you told her to submit, she’d lie there like a
wet carpet. No middle ground. And that’s exactly what porn
is these days: mainstream and middle ground. My wife is
somehow too inflexible for the demands of contemporary
pornography. I’m not saying she doesn’t have the goods; on
the contrary. She just doesn’t get what it’s about.
GIRL
What is it about?
SCENE 4 c
WIFE, HUSBAND and GIRL at the bar counter.
WIFE
What is it about?
HUSBAND
If we’re being honest, porn is a fair deal. What I mean is,
if you buy a porn movie, it’s pretty rare you’re going to
be disappointed. And this is characteristic of the entire
porn industry. Porn is bought for its inherent value, not
because it’s going to, say, raise your social status, the
way a lot of people buy a book, for instance. People act in
porn movies for the money. All the actors in the industry
admit it. But Daniel Day-Lewis would never admit it. He
always has loftier motives.
GIRL
Who’s Daniel Day-Lewis?
HUSBAND
Nobody, if you ask me.
GIRL
I don’t watch movies. I used to, but then I quit. They move
from place to place too much in movies. If they made a
movie where they just stayed put, if they just showed us
some house, I could watch that. I’d be happy to watch that.
The lights come on.
19
WIFE
What, what, what? Last call already?
HUSBAND
The bar closed, but life’s open. Let’s do something
radical.
WIFE
Let’s go back to our place.
HUSBAND
What do you two ladies think? Isn’t that an astounding
idea?
GIRL
Yes, yes. After-party at your place. I didn’t come out
until pretty late. I was thinking I wouldn’t. I was out
yesterday, too. So by the time I woke up it was already
late. And I was there at my place, alone. It’s no big deal.
A lot of times I just head out.
HUSBAND
Yes, yes. We can talk about all kinds of stuff. We’ll pop
open a Krug.
GIRL
What’s a Krug?
WIFE
Krug Clos du Mesnil Blanc de Blancs Brut. Champagne. But
she doesn’t drink.
HUSBAND
Right, but she’s still alive. She’s radiant and she dances,
don’t you?
SCENE 5 a
The after-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL.
WIFE
20
I have this sensation that this has happened before.
HUSBAND Puts on music.
Everything has happened before.
GIRL
I think so, too.
WIFE
Really? I suppose you realize that what he says doesn’t
mean anything?
HUSBAND
Here we go. Exits.
GIRL
I’ve always thought of my life as old. Nothing feels like
it’s new, even if it’s happening for the first time. So if
I buy something and take it out of the package, then it
definitely has that smell new things have, but then I get
this feeling that it’s nothing. It just is what it is. It’s
not something new. Everything’s the same.
WIFE
You’re weird. I like you.
GIRL Looks around the home.
Wow. This is stunning. I’m at a loss for words. Stunning.
Your john is probably bigger than my entire apartment.
HUSBAND Enters.
In one hand, Champagne; in the other, a mirror with lines
and a straw on it.
Greetings from Venezuela.
Hands the mirror to GIRL.
GIRL Does a line.
Aaahh.
HUSBAND Pours Champagne for himself and WIFE.
All right. Now is probably a good moment to open up. That
will create an atmosphere of trust.
WIFE
Change the record.
21
HUSBAND
How is it possible you’re bored when I haven’t even started
yet?
WIFE
Oh, it’s absolutely possible. But what I meant was change
the record if you want us to listen to you.
HUSBAND Changes the music.
A story from Africa. A few years ago I was visiting Kenya,
where my childhood friend D is doing humanitarian work. I
was on vacation. One day we decided to drive out to
Longonot crater outside Nairobi to do some hiking. We hiked
for a few hours and when it started getting dark, we headed
back to Nairobi. After driving a few kilometers, we noticed
a girl at the side of the road trying to wave down a ride.
She had a small child in her arms. Well, after thinking it
over for a second we decided to give her a ride. It turned
out that the child had a fever – it was limp as a rag doll
– and the girl had hit the road to try and get him some
help. She had been working as a maid for a family that
reacted indifferently to her crisis. She was maybe sixteen;
definitely under twenty. She was hoping to make it to
Mombasa, where here father lived, and get medicine for her
baby there. The baby was teeny-tiny, under a year. It was
wrapped in a cloth, sleeping in the girl’s arms. We
promised to take her to the nearest hospital so her baby
could be examined and get the help it needed. We also
promised to give her enough money to buy a bus ticket to
Mombasa. These promises made the girl very happy. Then
after driving for a while in a buoyant mood, D suggested to
me that we could ask the girl for some sort of compensation
for the help we had promised to give her. I felt a mild
repulsion and didn’t immediately respond. As the silence
passed, however, I noticed that I found the idea incredibly
arousing. I told D that, as gentlemen, there was no way we
could ask the girl to pay for assistance we had already
promised to give without any favors in return. I continued
that we could, however, ask her if she wanted us to make a
contribution towards the child’s future education. And that
this gift would require a certain hospitality towards us. D
presented the proposal to the girl. She wanted to know what
sort of sum we were talking about. D offered two thousand
shillings. Silence fell over the car.
WIFE
22
Why does this sound like you’re reading from some book?
HUSBAND
I’m striving for precision of expression.
WIFE
Sounds made up to me. I wouldn’t mind a little. Points at
the mirror.
HUSBAND
Oh, apologies. Pushes the mirror over towards WIFE.
GIRL
You’re such lovely people. I feel as if I understand you
perfectly.
HUSBAND
That’s nice to hear. How’s that E and coke working out for
you, by the way?
GIRL
Really well. It’s the best.
WIFE
In what sense do you understand us?
GIRL
You’re both so atrociously ugly. I don’t mean that in a bad
way.
WIFE
Of course not.
HUSBAND
No, no. On the contrary.
GIRL
You’re openly ugly. On the inside, I mean. On the surface
you’re so beautiful.
HUSBAND
Exactly.
GIRL
I don’t like people who conceal their ugliness. They dress
weird, too. They just throw on whatever and they think that
everyone will think they’re beautiful in the inside, but
23
they’re not. They’re normal. And they hide how normal they
are, their ugly normalcy. This one time I saw a man who had
wrapped a rug around his head. Or at least that’s what it
looked like.
WIFE
You don’t mean an immigrant, do you?
GIRL
No. But so then what happened to the girl?
HUSBAND
It happened to be Finnish Independence Day when this
happened, and that’s always like the main event of the year
for Finnish embassy. All the Finns in Nairobi are invited
to a reception, and we had been invited, too. Or I mean, I
was D’s plus one. We were in a pretty big hurry by this
point. So we screwed her quickly there on the back of the
car and paid her. That’s the whole story.
WIFE
What is it you’re getting at?
HUSBAND
Honesty. OK, the genre’s a little shaky, but the content is
what’s critical.
WIFE
Did I understand correctly that you didn’t even take the
girl and her baby to the hospital?
HUSBAND
We didn’t have time. The evening traffic in Nairobi is
atrocious, especially when it rains. But we gave her the
equivalent of many months’ pay, so she got a ride from
someone. Take into consideration that if D had been late to
the Independence Day reception, it would have made a very
bad impression. It would have had a detrimental effect on
his humanitarian work.
WIFE
I’m sure it would. But like I said, nothing he says means
anything.
GIRL
How much is two thousand shillings?
24
HUSBAND
About twenty euros.
GIRL
What was her name?
HUSBAND
I don’t remember. Wait. Aisha. Or maybe that was the baby’s
name. I don’t remember.
SCENE 5 b
The after-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL.
WIFE
I have this feeling that this has happened before.
HUSBAND
Everything has happened before.
GIRL
You’re such lovely people.
SCENE 5 c
The after-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL.
WIFE
I have this feeling that Snorts some coke... that...ooooh..
25
GIRL
I could have a little, too.
HUSBAND
Oh, I’m sorry. Takes the mirror from WIFE and brings it
over to GIRL.
WIFE
That everything’s totally new. The world is bright. There
are no bad deeds, there’s nothing to fix. Everything is
exactly the way it’s supposed to be.
HUSBAND
I was in Nairobi a few years ago. There’s a big slum there,
Kibera. Children get raped there.
WIFE
Yes, we know. I’m not saying that raping children is right,
but that we should understand; that we become luminous the
same way the world is luminous. It’s a miracle to be alive;
it’s a miracle to realize you’re alive. There’s a lot of
shit in the world, there’s injustice and violence, there’s
greed and pure evil. But as long as we think our only job
is to fix it, one thing at a time, to tackle a single flaw
and fix it, all we’re doing is increasing pain and
suffering. Do you guys understand what I’m saying? We’re
acting exactly the same way people always have, and it
doesn’t lead to anything good. The same cycle of despair
will continue forever. One child gets a good life, but ten
thousand are doomed. That’s the price of our goodness.
Nothing will change until we see the world as it truly is.
The world is luminous; it manifests love exactly as it is.
There’s no reason to start forcibly fixing what’s already
perfect.
HUSBAND
What?
WIFE
There is no cause to start to fixing by force...
HUSBAND
...that which is perfect. Yes. That’s a lovely thought, but
then you have to be prepared to subject yourself to the
violence of others. If you’re dealing with Gandhi, that
works.
26
GIRL
People are more beautiful without clothes. Takes off her
top.
WIFE
That’s true. I agree with you.
GIRL
Starts singing Old Black Joe: I’m coming, I’m coming, for
my head is bending low. I hear those gentle voices
calling...
Tell me something. Why won’t he leave me alone? What is
wrong with him? Why do I feel like I’m watching even though
he’s watching me?
WIFE
Who are you talking about?
GIRL
It doesn’t matter. Just answer.
HUSBAND
You have to give us a little more to go on; what is it
we’re supposed to answer?
GIRL
I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you soon. That’s the question.
There is no answer. I can’t go anywhere. I’m always in the
same place. The earth is moving, but I’m standing still.
Then he comes and asks where I’ve been, where I’ve been
again this time. I don’t know where I’m supposed to go.
HUSBAND
Life is meaningless. I’ve been working on this one idea.
Brings over a black case.
WIFE
OK.
HUSBAND
Without going into the details, I suppose we can all agree
that life is meaningless?
WIFE
OK.
27
HUSBAND
Do you agree?
GIRL
I haven’t thought about it.
HUSBAND
So why don’t you think about it now.
GIRL
I don’t know.
HUSBAND
What don’t you know?
GIRL
Life. I don’t know if I’m alive.
HUSBAND
That’s enough. Opens the case, pulls out a revolver.
WIFE
Stop that. That’s not funny.
HUSBAND
Just wait a second. Let’s do something different. Everyone
knows the saying that if someone put a gun to your head
then what would you say, and so on and so forth? OK. Let’s
do it for real. Please note: one bullet.
Inserts a bullet into the cylinder and spins it.
WIFE
This is totally ridiculous. Ha. Ha-ha.
HUSBAND
Honey, don’t be a spoilsport. Holds the gun to his temple.
WIFE
Honey, we’re flying to Vietnam tomorrow.
HUSBAND
Are we?
WIFE
Of course we are. Now how’s that going to work if you shoot
yourself?
28
HUSBAND
Don’t laugh; I’m serious.
WIFE
Stop waving that gun around.
HUSBAND
You’re right. I’m sorry. OK. The rules go like this.
Everyone gets to ask themself a question that they’re
supposed to answer honestly. If everyone else thinks you’re
lying, you have to pull the trigger. OK. I’ll start. The
question has already been asked: why am I traveling to
Vietnam?
Holds the gun to his temple.
Answer.
WIFE
Would you stop acting like an idiot already?
HUSBAND
One question at a time. Answer: Because I’m lazy.
WIFE
No counter-argument here. But what does that have to do
with Vietnam?
HUSBAND Lowers the gun.
The rules are that the answer is either accepted or it’s
not, but in this case I can explain why because this is
still so new for all of us. I’m lazy to fight on behalf of
my own preferences and impulses. Something inside me says
we shouldn’t go to Vietnam, but that means I’d have to
oppose you, my love, to justify my stance – which I don’t
have – to argue that we should forget the trip for such and
such reasons, to claim that I have, on the basis of some
sensible or at least logical grounds, come to the
conclusion that I don’t want to go, that I’m going to
please you, even though...
GIRL
Fucking Vietnam.
HUSBAND
Huh?
GIRL
29
I’ve been there. Nothing but constant sweat and constant
rain. Fucking Vietnamese motherfuckers stole all my money.
Why are you guys going there?
HUSBAND
See? Isn’t that exactly what I was saying? Wouldn’t it be
high time to listen to some other people in this world, not
just yourself?
WIFE
All right, all right. Give me that gun.
HUSBAND gives the gun to WIFE.
HUSBAND
Remember to spin it.
WIFE spins the cylinder.
WIFE
What’s the question?
HUSBAND
You get to decide for yourself.
WIFE
Was that story about the girl true?
Points the gun at HUSBAND.
HUSBAND
I don’t mean to be a stickler, but the question is supposed
to be about you.
WIFE
Oh, it’s about me. The answer is no. Lowers the gun. It was
bullshit. Because you’re full of shit and you’re incapable
of anything except... All you know how to do is play.
You’re a child; you enjoy your games, which are cruel and
perverse and a reflection of your core, which is rotten.
Your core is rotten and hollow and that’s why you want to
play. Let’s play a game where everyone opens up, how
lovely, everyone’s as vile as I am; I’m happy, I’m on the
same level as everyone else.
HUSBAND
Takes the gun from WIFE’s hand and places it on the table.
Hugs her.
OK, OK, calm down. Let’s have a little Krug.
30
GIRL
Picks up the gun and holds it to her temple.
Am I alive?
Pulls the trigger. The gun doesn’t fire.
Yes.
Lowers the gun.
HUSBAND
Stay here. You don’t have to go anywhere. Just be here with
us.
SCENE 6 a
The after-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL. Loud music is
playing.
HUSBAND Carries in a melon and places it on the table.
Wait. Wait.
GIRL
Can I shoot now?
WIFE Aims the gun at the melon.
Is this a...? What? What?
HUSBAND
Who said it wasn’t a real gun?
GIRL
Can I shoot now?
HUSBAND
Wait.
WIFE fires the gun. The melon explodes.
What, what? Just a second.
SCENE 6 b
31
The after-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL. Loud music is
playing. There’s a melon on the table.
HUSBAND
Wait. Wait.
GIRL
Can I shoot now?
HUSBAND
No, no, no, at the melon.
GIRL aims the gun at the melon.
WIFE
What difference does it make? It’s not a real gun.
GIRL fires the gun. The melon bursts to bits.
HUSBAND
What, what? Just a second.
SCENE 6 c
After-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL. Loud music is
playing. There’s a melon on the table.
HUSBAND Aims the gun at the melon
Wait. Wait.
GIRL
Can I shoot now?
HUSBAND
Wait. I’ll show you. Who says it’s not a real gun?
Pulls the trigger. The gun doesn’t fire.
WIFE
It’s not a real gun.
32
HUSBAND
I just had it cleaned. What the heck is going on? What
what?
Pulls the trigger several times. The gun fires. Plaster
falls from the ceiling.
Just a second. Now I really don’t understand.
WIFE
What the hell are you doing? What are you doing?
GIRL
Can I shoot now?
WIFE
Are you trying to kill someone? Fucking loser. What are you
doing?
HUSBAND
I don’t want anyone to die. These are blanks, these bullets
in here. They’re not going to kill anyone. Blanks, empties,
do you understand? Fakes.
WIFE Takes the gun from HUSBAND.
Will you shut up; there’s a hole in the ceiling. Are you
totally crazy? What are you going on about?
HUSBAND
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
SCENE 6 d
After-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL. Loud music is
playing. There’s a melon on the table. HUSBAND aims a gun
at it.
HUSBAND
Wait. Wait.
GIRL
Can I shoot now?
WIFE takes the melon and smashes it against the table.
33
WIFE
Now we’re going to have some melon. Have some melon, you
lovely, darling people, now that it’s being served.
Takes the gun from HUSBAND.
HUSBAND
Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
WIFE
We’re all going to have some melon now.
WIFE kisses HUSBAND.
Don’t get any more bright ideas, all right? No more ideas,
please?
HUSBAND
Do you love me?
WIFE
Yes. Do you love her?
HUSBAND
Yes. She’s lovely.
SCENE 7
After-party. HUSBAND, WIFE, and GIRL
GIRL
Should we take our clothes off?
WIFE
Yes.
They start taking off their clothes.
HUSBAND
It’s about time.
34
WIFE
Why isn’t there any music now? You’ve been blasting your
record collections all night, but now there’s no music
playing. Now is when we need music. Don’t you understand
anything?
HUSBAND
Yes yes. Puts on music.
WIFE
No no no no.
HUSBAND
What?
WIFE
Who died? Play some music, dimwit. Darling.
HUSBAND
I’m trying. Puts on a different song.
WIFE
All right. Good. Thank you.
WIFE dances with GIRL. HUSBAND tries to dance around them.
Are you a dancer? You move like a dancer.
GIRL
A little bit.
WIFE
How can you be a little bit of a dancer?
GIRL
I’m pretty good at keeping time.
WIFE Looks at GIRL.
OK, I can see that.
Show me your moves; I’m intrigued.
HUSBAND tries to dance with GIRL.
Don’t you start getting in the way, now.
HUSBAND
What, I don’t get to boogie?
WIFE
Sit down. Let’s watch.
35
HUSBAND
Don’t mind if I do. Sits.
WIFE
This is nice. Sits in HUSBAND’s lap.
HUSBAND
I said she dances, didn’t I?
WIFE
You did say that, honey. Or at least you thought it. They
kiss.
GIRL
It’s kicking in a little. The coke’s kicking in. Ohh wow.
WIFE
What did you say about that drink?
GIRL
About what?
WIFE
That drink.
HUSBAND
What are we talking about?
WIFE
That drink you threw in my face.
HUSBAND
Oh, the gin and bitters.
WIFE
The gin and bitters. She said you poured it over your head,
which I thought was rather odd.
HUSBAND
It was a joke.
WIFE
How can someone see something totally different from what
actually happened?
36
HUSBAND
It’s possible; it happens all the time. But I did pour it
over my own head.
WIFE
Don’t you start now, too.
GIRL
My head, my head. Ohh ohh. I have to…
Tries to steady herself.
HUSBAND
Weren’t we supposed to do something completely out of the
ordinary? When is that going to start?
WIFE
What are you two going on about? It’s starting the whole
time.
Drinks from the bottle. Champagne froths out.
HUSBAND
Well, you got that in my eyes, at least. You blinded me.
Tries to stand.
WIFE pours the rest of the bottle over HUSBAND.
Stop complaining all the time. Could you try not
complaining for once?
GIRL
It’s incredibly wonderful. Ohh ohhh... Staggers.
I want to call him. He always says I never call him.
Searches her pockets.
I don’t have any pockets...Ohhh ohh..
HUSBAND
Yeah yeah.
WIFE
Take it easy.
HUSBAND
Yeah yeah.
GIRL
37
But yesterday, yesterday... now I feel a little like...
Hey. I came here totally randomly and that’s a beautiful
thing. Randomness reaps its rewards, you know? I want to
thank you. I’m serious. I. Yesterday I was thinking that
there might not be any point to getting out of bed. No more
mornings in front of the mirror, never again. You know what
I mean? Let the darkness come. And the darkness came. And
the darkness was good. I didn’t choose it. Darkness is what
comes when you don’t choose anything. What is it I’m free
to do? I’m free to die. Hooray. Everything else is
conditional. You know? In the beginning, in the beginning
there...
HUSBAND
In the beginning there was the word.
GIRL
In the beginning there was pain. If there’s some creature
somewhere that only has one cell, it also quivers with
electricity. That’s not a life. It’s a chemical reaction.
Life is so fucking blah. Am I alive? That’s an excellent
fucking question. You ask good questions.
HUSBAND
Thanks.
GIRL
Luckily I came here. I feel wonderful. I can see everything
so clearly. Ohhh oohh. My ears are ringing.
GIRL falls to the floor. Lays there.
SCENE 8 a
After-party. HUSBAND examines GIRL, who is lying on the
floor. WIFE is standing next to them.
WIFE
What? Tell me what...? What are you doing?
38
HUSBAND
Be quiet.
WIFE
What are you doing?
HUSBAND
Will you shut the fuck up? Turn off the music.
WIFE Turns off the music.
Well?
HUSBAND
I’m trying to listen.
WIFE
Are you listening to her?
HUSBAND
Can you please shut up?
HUSBAND presses his head to GIRL’s chest.
GIRL Curls up in a fetal position.
Aahhhhh. Ohhhh ohhhh..
HUSBAND
She’s alive. What are we going to do?
WIFE
We need to shake her.
HUSBAND
What?
SCENE 8 b
After-party. WIFE examines GIRL, who is lying on the
ground. HUSBAND is standing next to them.
WIFE
What should we do? Is she alive?
HUSBAND
39
We need to shake her.
WIFE
What?
HUSBAND
Shake her. Grab her and shake her.
WIFE Lowers her head to GIRL’s chest.
Stop, I’m trying to listen.
HUSBAND Pushes WIFE out of the way.
Go away.
Shakes the girl.
Like this, like this...
SCENE 8 c
After-party. GIRL is lying on the floor. HUSBAND and WIFE
stand there, looking at her.
HUSBAND
OK, this is a tricky situation.
WIFE
She’s not dead, is she?
HUSBAND
No.
WIFE
How can you tell?
HUSBAND
She’s breathing. Her chest is moving.
WIFE
Yes, she’s breathing, she’s breathing, but she can still
be... How do I know? Did she just lose consciousness?
HUSBAND
That’s what it looks like.
WIFE
40
Why don’t you do something?
HUSBAND
Why don’t you?
WIFE
I don’t have the training for situations like this.
HUSBAND
You have to roll her over on her side and make sure she
doesn’t choke on her own vomit.
WIFE
But she’s not vomiting.
HUSBAND
If she vomits.
WIFE
I don’t have the training.
HUSBAND
Well, speak French to her then. You’ve got the training for
that.
WIFE
Why are you shouting at me?
HUSBAND
You’re the one shouting. There’s nothing I can do. I don’t
have the training. I’m incapable of helping. What if
something happens? I think I’m going to withdraw to the
west wing to think about all this. What a fucking baboon.
WIFE
You’re not doing anything either.
HUSBAND
I’m thinking.
WIFE
I’m thinking, I’m thinking. She’s dying in front of our
faces and you’re thinking. Is that what you’re going to
tell her parents when they ask? I was thinking.
HUSBAND
41
“She” is not dying. I already told you. That’s not what’s
going on here.
GIRL curls up in the fetal position.
Aaahhhh. Ohhh ohhhh..
WIFE
She curled up on her side. Isn’t that a good thing?
HUSBAND
We can’t call an ambulance.
WIFE
Should we call an ambulance?
HUSBAND
I don’t know. She’s ODing or something. Maybe it’s just
dehydration.
WIFE
What if we lift her onto the sofa and make sure she’s all
right?
HUSBAND
And how exactly are we going to do that? If she’s ODing,
she needs to get to the hospital. She needs an IV in her
arm and she needs to get her stomach pumped and she needs a
doctor. What are we going to do if she croaks on our sofa?
WIFE
Right right right. You’re right. Let’s call an ambulance.
HUSBAND
We can’t call an ambulance.
WIFE
But she popped all that E on her own.
HUSBAND
Yes. Yes yes. Then what? The coke was ours. What a weird
person. Comes here and spoils a perfectly good after-party.
Junkie.
WIFE
42
Why did she do this?
HUSBAND
Weirdo.
SCENE 9
After-party. HUSBAND and WIFE lift GIRL by the ankles and
wrists. Lower GIRL.
HUSBAND
We have to put some clothes on her first.
WIFE
Yes, of course. Of course. Clothes.
HUSBAND
Find her clothes. Come on, put some effort into it. Do I
have to do everything? Show a little initiative. It’s like
you have no willpower. A zombie.
Holds out GIRL’s top to WIFE.
WIFE
This is inside out.
HUSBAND
Why don’t you see if you can figure that out on your own.
Where’s her skirt? And then she had some sort of totally
crazy... The skirt’s behind the sofa.
WIFE
I looked behind the sofa. It wasn’t there.
HUSBAND
It’s there.
WIFE
I said I already looked.
Goes behind the sofa.
Here it is.
43
HUSBAND
I know. Wow. I’m beat.
WIFE
OK.
HUSBAND
I don’t know. What are we going to do now?
WIFE
She acted on her own initiative. We don’t have to take
responsibility for something someone does on their own
initiative.
HUSBAND
Right.
WIFE
What are we going to do now?
HUSBAND
We’re going to take it easy. I’m totally calm. It’s good
this happened. Now I can see that I’m totally calm.
WIFE
You look agitated.
HUSBAND
That’s just the coke. I’m beat.
INTERMISSION
ACT II
44
SCENE 10 a
The home a month later. WIFE and HUSBAND. An open suitcase
on the table, overflowing with clothes. On the couch, a
Tax-Free plastic bag containing a bottle of XO cognac and
Champagne. WIFE has a removable splint on her left wrist.
HUSBAND
Fundamental nature. That’s what we’re talking about.
WIFE
What do you mean?
HUSBAND
I’ve said it on many occasions. It’s a matter of a person’s
fundamental nature. When it comes out, there’s nothing to
worry about anymore.
WIFE
So there’s nothing to worry about now?
HUSBAND
Exactly. It’s not that I didn’t always know what you’re
like, but now I feel like I know your fundamental nature.
WIFE
Thank you.
HUSBAND
Don’t you feel the same?
WIFE
Yes. Maybe.
HUSBAND
But?
WIFE
What’s different now? You talk as if you’ve had some sort
of insight. That’s what’s I’m not getting here.
HUSBAND
It was the look on your face.
WIFE
OK. What look on my face?
45
HUSBAND
The look on your face. No, when you crashed. It was pure
comedy. But then, when you tried to get up... I don’t think
your hand was hurting yet.
WIFE
It didn’t hurt right away.
HUSBAND
But I could tell from the look on your face that something
had happened. I could tell from the look on your face that
you’re alone; that no one is ever going to be able to help
you. It was touching.
WIFE
Oh, you were touched.
HUSBAND
Yes. You were lying there next to the scooter and you
raised your head a little and even though you looked right
at me, I could sense that you weren’t seeing me.
WIFE
I don’t remember that.
HUSBAND
Yes. It was an amazing moment.
SCENE 10 b
The home. WIFE and HUSBAND.
HUSBAND
I feel kind of flat somehow.
WIFE
Me too.
HUSBAND
Should we pop the Champagne?
WIFE
46
It’s warm.
HUSBAND
Let’s have some Cognac. A little something, at least.
WIFE
All right. Or no. I don’t want to drink anything.
HUSBAND
I don’t either, actually.
WIFE
It’s about fundamental nature.
HUSBAND
In what sense?
WIFE
Recognizing someone else’s fundamental nature.
HUSBAND
OK.
WIFE
I’m serious.
HUSBAND
I know, I know.
WIFE
I feel like I recognize your fundamental nature, that
nothing can surprise me anymore.
HUSBAND
Yes. OK.
WIFE
Don’t you want to hear?
HUSBAND
I’m listening.
47
WIFE
I don’t know if I can explain what I mean. When I fell,
something became clear to me. I looked at you. You were
standing there, a little ways away, and I was on the ground
and you made these kind of gestures of concern, but it
wasn’t the gestures; it was the way you were looking at me.
HUSBAND
What way was I looking at you?
WIFE
With indifference. And I thought, that’s you. You don’t
know how to be anything else. And I’m willing to love you.
HUSBAND
Right.
WIFE
Maybe we should get a divorce.
HUSBAND
We can always get a divorce.
WIFE
That’s true.
SCENE 11
The home. WIFE on the phone, HUSBAND sitting on the sofa.
Later, BROTHER.
WIFE in French
No, it’s absolutely not fine. You tell that cocksucker that
it’s all been taken care of already. I’m flying on
Thursday. No, Thursday, you imbecile. CDG. Take out that
calendar of yours and mark a big black X on Thursday. Can
you do that? What does that have to do with me? I could
give a shit. He’s not my saint. We agreed on this ages ago.
No. No, it won’t. No. In Brazil? I could care less. No. Of
course not. Sure sure sure. Go ahead, put me through..
in Finnish
Goddammit. They’ve left the vaccines rotting in Lyon!
48
in French
Francoise? Hi hi hi. Listen. What is Marie bawling about
that she can’t... That Antoine is in Brazil...?
HUSBAND
Was that the doorbell?
Stands and answers door.
WIFE in French
OK. I understand, dear heart, my lovely Francoise, but do
you understand that those vaccines aren’t going to do any
good if they stay in Lyon? What are we going to do, inject
them all into Marie’s ass? Laughs.
HUSBAND and BROTHER enter.
WIFE in French
One point four million, Francoise. One point four million.
Ciao.
Ends the call.
Excuse me.
BROTHER
Excuse me.
HUSBAND
Listen. This here is someone. He’s here because his
sister...you haven’t been able to reach her?
BROTHER
Yes. I came...well, I just came. I’ve been to a few places.
WIFE
His sister? Who is this person? This sister of yours?
BROTHER
This probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. I’ve
been to a few places.
WIFE
Asking about your sister?
BROTHER
Yeah.
49
HUSBAND
There’s this thing, though, a coincidence, that when we
went out before we left for our trip, do you remember the
girl who was standing at the bar there? A little before
last call?
WIFE
Oh, that girl?
BROTHER
Yes.
HUSBAND
Didn’t you even dance with her?
WIFE
No. I didn’t dance with her.
HUSBAND
OK. But well. OK. We did meet her, though.
WIFE
Is she missing?
BROTHER
Missing, no I’m pretty sure she’s not missing. No.
WIFE
But you haven’t been able to contact her?
BROTHER
I’ve been trying to call her for a few days now, but I
haven’t been able to reach her.
WIFE
Doesn’t she have... a job or something?
BROTHER
No, she’s a student.
WIFE
Oh.
50
BROTHER
Yeah. Social Sciences. But students are always coming and
going there. Coming and going. I don’t know. Her cell
phone’s off, but she’s always losing her cell phone. I
don’t know. Sits. Maybe she’s just sitting in her apartment
and won’t answer the buzzer.
WIFE
Would you like some water or something?
HUSBAND Exits.
I’ll get it.
BROTHER
It was stupid of me to come here and bother you guys. You
have your own problems to worry about.
WIFE
It’s fine. It’s fine, really. What problems?
BROTHER
You’ve been in some sort of accident.
WIFE
This is nothing. The cast already came off. This is a wrist
splint.
BROTHER
A wrist splint.
WIFE
Yes. But what made you decide to come here?
BROTHER
I went to that nightclub. She always goes there. Down.
WIFE
Sure sure. Down.
HUSBAND brings BROTHER a glass of water.
BROTHER
Thanks.
HUSBAND
51
Yeah, apparently Piggy said something.
WIFE
Piggy?
HUSBAND
Piggy. The little bald guy at Down. Piggy. The bouncer.
Yes.
BROTHER
He couldn’t tell me anything. Hasn’t seen her. Hasn’t seen
her in a month.
HUSBAND
When we left that one night, that happened at the same time
as this girl...
BROTHER
Yeah, he thought you left together. Or that you could have
left together.
WIFE
Piggy from Down thought we left together.
BROTHER
This is pointless. I know what happened. It’s not the first
time. It’s a clear pattern.
WIFE
How so?
BROTHER
She’ll just take off, she’ll get some idea that she’s
supposed to live like this or this, that there’s some farm
in Germany where they grow corn or I mean they’re trying
something new with corn, and she goes off and joins in this
project because it sounds so amazing and fuck everything
else. This is what she has to do now. She has something in
her brain... I’m not saying she’s brain damaged, but her
brain is wired in a different way than everyone else’s. She
has no conception of time. Then she wonders what it is
she’s gone and done. One time she was missing for six
months. Or missing and missing, she was at a campground on
this island out in the archipelago. Doing some sort of work
there. Raking.
52
WIFE
We left together.
HUSBAND
Wow.
WIFE
The girl who was there at the bar. The petite one. Cute. I
remember.
BROTHER
That’s my sister.
WIFE
She left the same time we did.
BROTHER
Was she alone?
HUSBAND
No.
WIFE
Yes.
HUSBAND
There were a lot of people there. We don’t know what she
was doing at that point. She might have been with someone.
BROTHER
Sure. Stands.
WIFE
Leave us your phone number.
HUSBAND
Yes, that’s good.
BROTHER
OK.
HUSBAND
Yes.
WIFE
Yes.
53
BROTHER Is about to leave, but just stands there.
Yes.
WIFE
Was there something...?
BROTHER
No. There’s nothing. I don’t know. I don’t have anything. I
just feel kind of lost. We always call each other. It’s
this thing we do. Yep. Exits.
SCENE 12 a
At home. WIFE and HUSBAND. HUSBAND is rummaging through the
sofa.
HUSBAND
Fucking motherfuck.
WIFE
What are you so worked up for? What are you doing?
HUSBAND
That goddamn phone.
WIFE
Did she have a phone?
HUSBAND
I don’t remember. She doesn’t anymore, that’s for sure.
Evidently. Fuck this.
Sits on the sofa.
WIFE
Maybe he saw us get into the same taxi.
HUSBAND
What? Who?
WIFE
Piggy.
54
HUSBAND
We walked.
WIFE
We took a taxi and you were rubbing her in the backseat.
You don’t think I remember that?
HUSBAND
We walked.
Shoves his hand into the sofa and pulls out a cell phone
with a panda sticker.
Here we go. Here it is.
WIFE
But we didn’t do anything.
HUSBAND
No. No, we didn’t.
WIFE
We’ve been traveling.
HUSBAND
Yes. Exactly. We’ve been in Vietnam and it was lovely. OK,
so you fall over on your scooter after you’ve been drinking
and break your arm. But other than that, it was lovely.
SCENE 12 b
At home. WIFE and HUSBAND. HUSBAND is rummaging through the
sofa.
HUSBAND
There’s nothing here.
WIFE
Stop. What difference does that phone make? We didn’t do
anything.
HUSBAND
Fuck this.
WIFE
What did we do?
55
HUSBAND
Nothing. Not a single thing.
WIFE
What are you so worked up about?
HUSBAND
Nothing. Sits on the sofa.
WIFE
What did we do?
HUSBAND
I don’t know. But if we didn’t do anything, why are we
lying?
WIFE
Why didn’t we call an ambulance?
HUSBAND
Ah, yes. Exactly.
WIFE
We could have.
HUSBAND
We could have made a mandolin out of matchsticks, but we
didn’t. We could have called an ambulance and now we’d be
explaining, or potentially explaining where the E came from
and where the coke came from. They’d show up in the blood
work.
WIFE
I covered her with a blanket.
HUSBAND
Yes, that was nice. Thank God you covered her with a
blanket.
SCENE 12 c
At home. WIFE and HUSBAND.
56
WIFE
Why didn’t we call an ambulance?
HUSBAND
Not this again. I can’t do it.
WIFE
Because we didn’t call an ambulance, we can’t say she was
here.
HUSBAND
Drop it already.
WIFE
I’m going to call him.
HUSBAND
Right. Listen, it occurred to me that your sister was here
after we left the bar after all. What’s that, you found
her? At the morgue? OK, that’s so sad, we’re so sorry, but
we did everything we could. We covered her with a blanket.
Yes, all the best.
WIFE
What if there were other people here, too?
HUSBAND
What other people?
WIFE
I don’t know, what difference does it make? Some people who
came over for a drink. There were a lot of them and we were
drunk. Maybe she came with them. We were all horribly
drunk.
HUSBAND
So we were horribly drunk and we invited a bunch of
strangers over, and the girl might have been with them.
WIFE
Right, exactly. That happens every night.
HUSBAND
And what happened next?
57
WIFE
Then they left. We threw everybody out because we had a
flight to catch.
HUSBAND
Is that a phone call you want to make?
WIFE
No.
HUSBAND
Me either.
WIFE
OK. I could take that cognac now.
HUSBAND
OK.
WIFE
Maybe she’s just sitting there at home and isn’t answering
the buzzer.
HUSBAND
Yes. Maybe.
SCENE 13
Bar. WIFE and HUSBAND at the counter.
WIFE
Did he say anything?
HUSBAND
We talked about Vietnam. About Vietnamese people and their
shoes. He didn’t say anything. He assumed we left together;
that’s all. He’s not interested in anything except shoes.
WIFE
What shoes?
HUSBAND
58
Piggy designs shoes. Didn’t you know? He has his own
collection and everything. He’s headed to some shoe fair in
Latvia.
WIFE
Aha. Is that so? Piggy designs shoes. I’m going to go have
a chat with him.
HUSBAND
Don’t. He wouldn’t have even remembered that girl if she
hadn’t been wearing those clodhoppers. It’s just going to
make him suspicious if everyone starts asking him the same
thing.
BROTHER Enters.
Hey, fancy meeting you two here. Hi.
WIFE
Wow. Yes, we came by for a drink.
HUSBAND
Have you heard anything?
BROTHER
About my sister? Nah. I won’t hear from her until she wants
me to. She’ll surface then. Aren’t you guys drinking?
What’ll you have? I know: Tequila?
Orders six shots of tequila.
Let’s toast... What should we toast?
WIFE
Let’s hope your sister... That... Let’s hope nothing
happened to her.
BROTHER
Stop that. I already said there’s nothing to worry about.
It’s just her drama. I can’t deal with it right now. A
toast to friendship.
ALL
To friendship. They clink glasses.
BROTHER
Just today I realized that this is the way it always goes.
I’m always running around taking care of things for her;
59
that’s the way it’s always been. But it doesn’t do any
good. It’s like pouring water down a well. Water down a
well. I get one thing taken care of, and right away the
next problem is waiting. Today I realized that this can’t
go on this way; that actually everything’s exactly the way
it’s supposed to be.
WIFE
What do you mean?
Last call.
BROTHER
You gotta be kidding. Last call already?
So. Everything’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be.
Everything’s fine. We just don’t realize it. So for
instance. I try to fix my sister’s screw-ups one at a time,
but it doesn’t lead anywhere. I get one thing fixed, but
the scenario stays the same. The same cycle just keeps on
repeating itself. I have to accept this situation the way
it is. Everything’s fine.
WIFE
Still, I don’t suppose you can help being worried?
BROTHER
Sure, you can. You have to accept life the way it is and
see, how can I put this, that things are fine the way they
are. There’s no reason to start forcibly fixing what’s
already perfect. Right?
WIFE
I’m sure that’s true.
BROTHER
Everything’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be. Cheers.
Cheers.
They drink.
SCENE 14
After-party at the house. WIFE, HUSBAND, and BROTHER.
60
BROTHER
Where’s the bathroom?
HUSBAND
Over there.
BROTHER exits.
WIFE
He knows.
HUSBAND
Be quiet.
WIFE
He said the same phrase. The same phrase I did. The same
phrase.
HUSBAND
What phrase?
WIFE
The Gandhi phrase. There’s no reason to start forcibly
fixing what’s already perfect.
HUSBAND
You’re being hysterical.
WIFE
You’re being childish.
BROTHER Enters
Who’s being childish? Sorry, I got lost.
WIFE
It’s the door with the stained glass.
BROTHER
OK. On his way to the bathroom.
Hey, do you work for the police? Are you a cop?
HUSBAND
No, no, I’m not.
BROTHER
You’re not?
61
HUSBAND
No.
BROTHER
Why did Piggy say what he did, then?
HUSBAND
What did he say?
BROTHER
That you’re a cop.
HUSBAND
No. I’m not. I consult them on issues related to data
security...
BROTHER
You’re a cyber cop? Beg pardon, my dear gentlefolk, but I’m
going to piss with the door open. I want to hear
everything. You guys know what? You know what? Pause. My
dear gentlefolk? Enters. Oooooh. I’m speechless. This is
stunning. Simply stunning. Your john is bigger...
WIFE
Than your apartment.
BROTHER
What?
WIFE
Than your apartment.
BROTHER
No, than my apartment and my sister’s apartments put
together. Touché. But I was going to ask, there’s no way
you can afford this on a cop’s salary. Sorry, I’m just
curious. I’m just curious.
HUSBAND
I’m not a cop. I consult the national police force on...
BROTHER Presses a button on the remote. The music is
terribly loud. HUSBAND turns down the music from the
stereo. BROTHER presses the remote again. HUSBAND turns the
62
music back down. BROTHER presses the remote. HUSBAND takes
the remote from BROTHER. Turns down the music.
BROTHER
Sorry. I just pressed. Sorry.
HUSBAND
That’s all right.
BROTHER Addressing the floor.
Apologies to the neighbors on behalf of Mr. Consultant.
WIFE
What is it you’re up to?
BROTHER
I’m sorry, what?
HUSBAND
Don’t, not now.
WIFE
No, what is it you’re up to?
BROTHER
I’m not really up to anything, per se. I’m spending the
evening with Mr. Consul and his wife, what are you again?
WIFE
What do you mean, what?
BROTHER
What is it you do? Wow. Hey Consul, have you noticed that
your wife’s a little aggro?
HUSBAND
I’m not a consul.
BROTHER
Sorry. Consultant. Consultant.
WIFE
I work at an international pharmaceutical company. A French
one. What about it?
BROTHER In French.
63
But that’s wonderful! Isn’t that wonderful, Mr. Consul?
WIFE
Yes, yes, it’s wonderful. And he’s still a consultant, not
a consul. But what is it you want?
BROTHER In French.
I apologize. I am truly sorry.
WIFE
Yes yes yes. What do you want?
BROTHER In French.
I wouldn’t mind a drop of cognac.
HUSBAND
OK. Gets the bottle of cognac and a glass.
WIFE
Yes, and?
BROTHER
I’m getting this feeling like I’m in the hot seat. I got
this hot seat vibe.
WIFE
Knock it off with the BS. Just cut the bullshit.
BROTHER
That’s what catches me off guard: you look like that and
then you still talk the way you do.
HUSBAND hands BROTHER a glass of cognac. BROTHER takes the
glass and the bottle, too.
Thanks.
OK, what was the phrase?
WIFE
What phrase?
BROTHER
The phrase, the phrase. ”He said the same phrase.” What
phrase? What? Could you answer that, Madame French Fry?
WIFE
There’s no reason to start forcibly fixing what’s already
perfect.
64
HUSBAND
Maybe we shouldn’t get stuck going on and on about some
phrase, since we’ve all been boozing it up and it’s five in
the morning.
BROTHER
True. But Consul, please put on some better music. This is
totally boring. Put something on. Let’s listen to music,
then we won’t argue. It’s often a good idea. It soothes the
soul, opens up perspectives.
HUSBAND Puts on music.
There we go. Much better. Much better. Let’s have a little
cognac. Consul, I’m going to have an intellectual
conversation with your wife. You don’t mind, do you?
WIFE
Can the rest of us have some cognac, too?
BROTHER
I don’t know. Takes a swig from the bottle. What do you
say, can I give Mrs. C some cognac, or will she totally
flip out? Do you guys know what’s incredible, by the way?
People’s names. Once I got this text message that said,
”Are you the bassoon player Christian Hedberg? If not, do
you know who he is?” I find it pretty incredible how poorly
we know each other. We think we know all kinds of things
about each other, but all of the sudden it’s not the case.
I think it’s incredible. I think it’s incredible. As
incredible as this universe we live in. Or a wrist splint.
What do you think about this, Counsel? You’re not sleeping,
are you?
HUSBAND
Consultant.
BROTHER snaps his fingers and points at HUSBAND.
SCENE 15 a
After-party. BROTHER is lying on the couch with the bottle
of cognac in his arms. WIFE and HUSBAND approach the couch.
65
WIFE
He’s not sleeping.
SCENE 15 b
After-party. BROTHER is lying on the couch with the bottle
of cognac in his arms. WIFE and HUSBAND approach the couch.
WIFE
He’s sleeping.
SCENE 16
After-party. BROTHER is lying on the couch with the bottle
of cognac in his arms. WIFE approaches the couch.
HUSBAND
Are you sleeping? Wake up. He’s sleeping.
WIFE
He’s not sleeping.
HUSBAND
He’s sleeping.
WIFE lowers her face near BROTHER’s face. The music starts
playing loudly. BROTHER shouts and laughs. Sits up on the
sofa. BROTHER turns off the music with the remote.
BROTHER
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Madame. Sorry. Just a little humor,
since you thought I was sleeping, just a little humor.
WIFE
Humor. Humor. Fuck your humor.
BROTHER
66
I still don’t understand that language of yours, but
seriously now. It was a joke.
HUSBAND
OK. I think we’re done here.
BROTHER
I’m sorry, I’m not following. Who’s done where?
HUSBAND
This evening. You’re tired and we’re tired. We could
gradually get to bed.
BROTHER
You know, Commissioner, I get the impression that you’re a
really boring person. I liked you better at the beginning,
when you were more chipper. I have a better idea. Let’s do
some rails.
HUSBAND
Rails. What rails?
WIFE
We don’t have any rails. Could you please go home now?
BROTHER
Stop playing around. Go cut a couple of nice fat rails for
us. That’s not asking much. There’s no other way I’m going
to have the energy to drag myself home. It’s not asking
much.
HUSBAND
OK.
WIFE
We don’t have any rails.
HUSBAND
I said OK. Exits.
BROTHER
Listen here, Mrs. C. This relationship of ours. I’m getting
the sense that we’re not really seeing each other. You feel
me? A person has to be seen and heard; otherwise he’ll get
depressed. I’m getting the sense that you don’t want to see
or hear me. Am I on the right track?
67
WIFE
I want you to leave right now.
BROTHER
Hmmm. Your attitude is the problem here. You know what I
really think?
WIFE
No.
BROTHER
I think you’re a lion.
WIFE
I see.
BROTHER
And I’m not talking about horoscopes. You’re a predator and
that confectionary husband of yours is a sissy.
WIFE
No, he’s not.
BROTHER
He’s a simpering sissy. Makes simpering sound.
HUSBAND enters. He’s carrying a mirror that has lines and a
straw on it. Hands the mirror to BROTHER.
HUSBAND
That’s all there is.
BROTHER Does a line.
No, this is perfect. Thanks. Thank you, thank you.
Absolutely amazing. Even though we didn’t see eye to eye
about everything, maybe we can agree that it’s the issues
that argue, not people. My dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. C: it
was the greatest pleasure to get to know you in your home.
I’m honored. My thanks. Thank you.
Prepares to leave. Tries to hug WIFE, who resists.
In French.
I’m sorry, my love.
Sings. I’m coming, I’m coming, for my head is bending low,
I hear those gentle voices calling Old Black Joe.
Exits.
WIFE
68
I don’t understand.
HUSBAND
OK. Have you noticed that all our houseplants have died?
WIFE
Our houseplants. What are you talking about?
HUSBAND
Our houseplants. Wasn’t Cookie supposed to water them?
Cookie the Plant Sitter.
WIFE
Do you have any idea what’s going on? You’re talking about
houseplants. You have to call someone. Can’t you do
anything, goddammit? Houseplants. What the hell?
HUSBAND
You said Cookie would water the plants. She’s not a close
friend, but she can water the plants. Well, she hasn’t
watered then; they’re all dead.
WIFE
What does it matter...
HUSBAND
Oh, it matters. It’s exactly what matters. What sense does
it make to agree with someone that they’ll water your
plants if they’re not going to water them? OK, so now the
plants are dead. I’m trying to bring some order to this
chaos, so even one thing would work the way it’s supposed
to, but no. It’s the same shit I keep having to trudge
through over and over, like some fucking Eskimo in the
snow. An Eskimo in the shit. Fuck.
WIFE
What are you talking about?
HUSBAND
Don’t you get that there’s no way out for us?
WIFE
Sure, there is. You can call the police. You know them.
Who’s the guy who parked that car here that one time? The
one who always talks about pussy?
HUSBAND
69
Salty.
WIFE
There you go.
HUSBAND
There’s no escape for us.
WIFE
Don’t say that.
HUSBAND
Do you think this is all a coincidence?
WIFE
No. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. But I have no
intention of rolling over and letting someone march into my
home and start telling us who we are. What right does he
have to do that?
HUSBAND
It’s not about rights.
WIFE
What’s it about then?
HUSBAND
Grace.
WIFE
Ha! Call Salty. What? Call him. I trust Salty a hundred
times more than I trust in that grace of yours. Grace isn’t
worth a crap in this situation. Salty will take care of
him. You can shove that grace up your ass. It’s a
completely useless concept under the circumstances.
HUSBAND
The doorbell. Exits.
WIFE
Don’t open that door. Do not open that door. Why are you
going over there? Do not open it. Why aren’t you listening
to me? Listen. Do not open that door.
HUSBAND and BROTHER enter.
BROTHER
70
We meet again.
WIFE
Why did you open the door?
HUSBAND
It doesn’t make any difference.
BROTHER
I just thought I’d drop back by. Just for a sec. Just a
sec. I don’t know, somehow I got the sense that our evening
ended too soon. I don’t know. Sometimes it just feels like,
wow, I wish this evening could last forever. It has to do
with establishing contact, sinking into the other person.
You get this feeling that you’re one being. You know? Those
are special moments. There’s something religious about it.
WIFE
Why did you open the door?
BROTHER
Stop harping on that. I left my phone here. It probably
slipped out of my pocket when I was chilling on the couch
there.
Goes over to the sofa and starts lifting up pillows. Finds
a phone.
Here it is. It’s all good. Except this isn’t my phone. Does
this belong to you?
HUSBAND
No.
BROTHER Examines the phone. There’s a panda sticker on it.
No way. This is my sister’s phone.
HUSBAND
It can’t be.
BROTHER
71
Now I don’t understand. I need to sit down. Sits. My
sister’s phone. Yup. Look, see, it has this panda sticker
here.
HUSBAND
I don’t understand.
WIFE
I understand.
BROTHER
The Commodore and I are pretty blown away. Explain it to
us, Mrs. C.
WIFE
Explain what this performance is all about.
BROTHER
Now it’s your turn. The floor is yours.
WIFE
I don’t see why we should play your games.
BROTHER
This isn’t a game. This is my sister’s phone.
WIFE
Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s some phone you just shoved down
there.
BROTHER
What, what?
WIFE
Because you find this amusing somehow. I don’t understand
why. You know perfectly well your sister was here; you’ve
spoken with her. That’s the reason you repeated that same
phrase.
BROTHER
There’s no reason to start...
WIFE
Yes. Yes. Yes. And now you’re toying with us, and you can’t
tell us what happened. If something has happened.
BROTHER
72
But you guys assured me she wasn’t here.
HUSBAND
We lied.
BROTHER
You lied.
WIFE
We lied. We lied. The same way you’ve been lying and
pretending and going on and on and talking a bunch of shit
and ooh. I can’t do this anymore.
BROTHER
You shouldn’t give up.
WIFE
What?
BROTHER
You shouldn’t give up. The end is in sight.
WIFE
What end? What?
BROTHER
The end of the story, of course. So sis was here. And you
came here for an after-party.
HUSBAND
We came here for an after-party.
BROTHER
Why don’t we let Madame explain.
WIFE
Well, then she... She got tired or no. She laid down on the
floor there. I don’t know. E. Apparently she was taking it
all night, and we had Champagne.
BROTHER
Champagne.
WIFE
Well, she didn’t have any Champagne but...
73
HUSBAND
We had cocaine.
BROTHER
Aha. Cocaine.
WIFE
Yes, yes. So what?
BROTHER
You had cocaine.
WIFE
And apparently she had taken too much E, because she got
tired, and we couldn’t leave her here, so we carried her
downstairs and out the door. That’s all. That’s what we
did. Are you saying you don’t know this? Well. That’s what
we did.
BROTHER
Exactly. Where downstairs?
HUSBAND
The sidewalk
BROTHER
The sidewalk.
HUSBAND
The sidewalk. The sidewalk. Fuck off. It’s all our fault,
but fuck you, you goddamn hypocritical whatever you are.
You... Fuck. Do I have to start trashing the place? Should
I go get my gun? Should we shoot this place up? Fuck. I’m
gradually reaching my limit, do you understand? I don’t
care what stories you make up. It’s all the same to me. I
might do whatever. I’m warning you, asshole, I don’t have
any rules. If someone starts acting like a pig, I’m going
to bite. I don’t care. I can bite your finger off. You
think I won’t bite? Don’t be so fucking sure. I don’t give
a fuck about anything. Start something and see what
happens. I don’t know how to fight, but you’ll die, you
fucking gnat. You don’t have anything. I love my wife. I
love my wife. You want to go?
BROTHER
No, I don’t want to go. Take it easy.
74
HUSBAND
Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I love my wife.
BROTHER
OK. You already said that. OK.
HUSBAND appears to be exiting.
What are you doing?
HUSBAND
I’m going.
BROTHER
What? Don’t go anywhere now.
HUSBAND
I’m going to change clothes.
BROTHER
Don’t go, I’m serious, don’t go.
HUSBAND
Unfortunately, I have to change my clothes now.
BROTHER
No, no. Where?
HUSBAND
To change my fucking pants, goddammit. What? Can I go
change my pants? I shit my pants. Can I go change my pants?
Is that all right with you? Is it? Exits.
BROTHER
That was something else. Wow. The important thing here is
that we were able to talk this all out. We were able to
clear the air and we can look each other in the eye again
and be honest. These might be difficult moments, but in the
end they’re rewarding. Don’t you think? Stands. But back to
my sister getting tired, I was just wondering what sort of
tired it was. Didn’t it occur to you guys to shout: “Wake
up. Time to go home!”?
WIFE
She didn’t wake up.
75
BROTHER
So it was more like unconscious?
WIFE
Yes.
BROTHER
So you carried her outside when she was unconscious and
left her there on the asphalt?
HUSBAND enters. He is in his underwear.
WIFE
Yes. We covered her with a blanket.
BROTHER
You covered her with a blanket. You covered her with a
blanket.
WIFE
Can’t you just tell us, did something happen? Is your
sister all right?
BROTHER
There’s something else strange about this; I don’t know,
maybe I’m just a little simple, but I don’t understand. Why
did you carry her down there? What was the point?
WIFE
There was no point. It was...
BROTHER
What was it?
WIFE
Insane.
BROTHER
But there was some reason for doing it.
WIFE
There was no reason. It was totally insane. We couldn’t
call an ambulance because we’d done coke, we couldn’t leave
her here because we were going on a trip. It was insane.
76
BROTHER
Why does it sound to me as if you don’t really subscribe to
these acts of yours? Are you trying to say someone else is
responsible?
HUSBAND
We carried her together.
BROTHER
OK. Shared responsibility.
WIFE
What is it you want to hear? What the fuck is this? What
the fuck? You’re right. I would have called an ambulance; I
would have taken the risk of something happening, I don’t
know what. I wouldn’t have carried her outside, and I
regretted it in retrospect. But it didn’t do any good in
retrospect.
BROTHER
So it was Mr. C’s idea?
WIFE
Yes, it was Mr. C’s idea. But I grabbed her by the ankles
and carried her, and I didn’t call an ambulance and I
didn’t do anything else either. I did as I was ordered and
didn’t think about anything. For some reason I wasn’t
capable of thinking for myself. I...
BROTHER Throws a chair.
OK, OK, OK. Peace. Let’s forget this fucking back and
forth. Whew. A little tense in here, wouldn’t you say? I’m
starting to think, should we hug? No? OK, let’s not hug,
but I do want to tell you, Mr. and Mrs. C, that we’ve made
tremendous strides. Every one of us has done his or her
part. BROTHER Turns on the music with the remote.
HUSBAND
What more do you want?
BROTHER
I have to think. I can’t think of anything. Should we take
off our clothes?
WIFE
77
Yes, let’s. Should we do all the same things we did with
your sister? Is that what this game is? Let’s take off our
clothes. Take them off. Starts undressing.
Does this make any fucking difference? Let’s take our
clothes off, take them off.
To BROTHER.
Are you just planning on just watching?
WIFE approaches BROTHER and starts dancing with him. They
slow dance. The dance seems odd. BROTHER chokes WIFE and
holds her down against the floor. HUSBAND runs to her aid.
Shouts. BROTHER stops him by shouting back. Releases WIFE.
BROTHER Turns down the music.
Let’s take it easy now. You guys are shitty people, there’s
not really any other way to put it. Shitty people. I’ve
been patient with you and let you talk, but this isn’t
going anywhere. The more I listen to you, the more
disgusted I am. It’s a complete mystery to me why you even
bother to live. Where you get the strength. I don’t know,
maybe it’s the generation gap or something, but I don’t see
anything about your existence that’s worth saving. If I
were in your place, I’d exit stage left. This is my
opinion. But don’t be offended. I’m just sharing my honest
opinion with you. That’s what we’ve been aiming for here.
Honesty. As a matter of fact, I’d like to reward you for
your patience now, since you’ve been so concerned about my
sister. Well, she doesn’t exist anymore. She was found at a
tram stop without any clothes on and was taken to the
emergency room. They pumped her stomach and everything, but
it was too late. She died that same afternoon.
WIFE
That can’t be true.
BROTHER
It can’t? OK, it’s not. Well. She appeared at my door
sometime that afternoon with a blanket over her shoulders
and couldn’t remember anything except buying a hot dog from
the stand. Then she slept until the next evening.
WIFE
Didn’t she? Didn’t anything happen to her?
BROTHER
They found her in the harbor. Apparently she thought she’d
go for a swim because her clothes were folded tidily on the
78
dock, next to the ladder. Has anyone told you how stupid
you look, by the way? My sister, my only sister. She’s
doing fine, thanks for asking. She told me she spent a
lovely evening with some lovely people and purred like a
kitten. So thanks to you both. And sorry I got violent that
way, but sometimes it’s the only way. Or does Mr. Comic
have a dissenting opinion? Please understand that whatever
you did or did not do, either way you’re guilty. We can
probably agree on that, right? All right. It took us this
long to agree on even this one point. But, but, this is
going to get boring, too, if I just keep preaching to you.
Madame mentioned the same things you did with my sister.
The same things. Maybe it’s time for us to pull out the gun
and do the same things? Or what? Mr. Consultant? Don’t you
think?
HUSBAND gets the case and hands it to BROTHER. BROTHER
opens the case. BROTHER places bullets in the revolver’s
cylinder.
Did I understand correctly that this game has some rules?
Couldn’t we forget all the rules? Or what? Mr. Cosmonaut? I
know you’re the one who came up with this, but couldn’t we
relax just this once and go with the flow? I don’t
understand why you two are sulking now.
SCENE 17 a
BROTHER opens the case. BROTHER places bullets in the
revolver’s cylinder.
BROTHER
Did I understand correctly that this game has some rules?
Couldn’t we forget all the rules? Or what? Mr. Cosmonaut,
should I review the rules you made up? What? There are no
rules? There are no rules. Right. That’s good. I don’t
understand why you two are sulking now.
79
SCENE 17 b
GIRL sits next to BROTHER with the case in her lap. Opens
the case and hands the revolver to BROTHER. BROTHER places
bullets in the cylinder.
BROTHER
Right. That’s good. There are no rules. I don’t understand
why you two are sulking now.
SCENE 18
WIFE and HUSBAND.
THE END