‫בס"ד‬
Teachers’Guide to Kibbud Av V’Em
Prepared by Bracha Sendic
I. A. The importance of ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬is evident from the first Medrash which calls it
‫חמור שבחמורות‬. The following sources prove that point. The Midrash Tanchuma
explains that Hashem loves this mitzvah so much that he will even give an evil
person a reward for fulfilling it (namely Eisav). The next two Gemara s put forth
similar points regarding the expansiveness of this mitzvah. In the Yerushalmi,
Rabbi Tarfon is described as allowing his mother to walk on his hands and still
not having fulfilled the mitzvah fully. In the Gemara Kiddushin, Rabbi
Yochanan is thankful that he was born an orphan because it is so hard to fulfill
this mitzvah properly. In both cases, it seems that ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬includes so much
more that what one might think and is therefore ‫חמור שבחמורות‬.
B. According to the Sefer HaChinuch ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬teaches one hakaras hatov,
which is a crucial mitzvah. However, there is a deeper reason behind this mitzvah.
One who shows ‫ הכרת הטוב‬to his parents will display it towards Hashem as well,
who has bestowed upon the person numerous ‫טובות‬. The ‫ מכתב מאליהו‬elaborates
on this idea and says that without ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬we would have no tool to appreciate
the kindness Hashem has done for us. The Maharal expands on this idea.
Through ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬a person not only learns to thank Hashem, but to come to
realize His existence in the first place. The Maharal states further that ‫כיבוד אב‬
‫ ואם‬comes to teach us the important principle that a persons birth was not
happenstance- ‫אין תולדה במקרה‬. People might think that the general creation of the
world was done by G-d, but that details were not. In that case, there would be no
reason to honor one’s parents since they are only details of the creation. But the
fact that we are commanded to honor our parents prove that they too were created
by G-d and by honoring them we are honoring Hashem. The Maharal ‫(חידושי‬
‫ )אגדות‬explains that ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬is only possible if one believes in Hashem. The
Gemara concludes that it would have been better had man not been created. If so,
why are we honoring parents who brought us into this world, if we would have
been better off otherwise? He answers that while the Gemara concludes that it
would have been better not to have been created, once Hashem decreed that man
should be created he has to be ‫ מבטל‬his will to Hashem’s will and in that case,
honor his parents. It turns out that a person will only honor his parents if he
believes in the first two of the ‫עשרת הדברות‬, i.e. that he believes in Hashem. ‫כיבוד‬
‫ אב ואם‬not only causes a person to believe in Hashem, but belief in Hashem is the
only way a person would want to fulfill this mitzvah.
The Abarbanel offers another reason behind this mitzvah. A person needs
to honor his parents because the mesorah from our fathers is a very important part
of our religion. R’Hirsch elaborates on this and says that two basic tenets of our
religion, ‫ מתן תורה‬and ‫ יציאת מצרים‬are only known to us through an oral tradition
from our forefathers. ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬is therefore, necessary for the religion to
‫בס"ד‬
continue since only through belief in the tradition our parents impart to us can we
believe in the principles of Judaism. The Abarbanel makes another point
regarding the Torah’s promise that through this mitzvah "‫"ייטב לך‬. If a person
honors his own parents, his children will observe this and come to honor him, so
it will be beneficial for the person and not only the parents whom he is honoring.
C. This section deals with the placement of ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬in the ‫עשרת הדברות‬.
R’Dovid Feinstein and the ‫ כלי יקר‬explain why this ‫ דברה‬which seemingly deals
with ‫ בין אדם לחבירו‬is listed with all of the ‫ דברות‬which are ‫בין אדם למקום‬. Each
offers a different answer. R’Dovid Feinstein’s answer echoes the sources above
that through honoring ones parents one comes to appreciate Hashem, therefore
this ‫ דברה‬is placed near the commandments that are ‫בין אדם למקום‬. The ‫כלי יקר‬
explains that there are three partners in the creation of man, the third one being
Hashem. Therefore this commandment is near the commandments that speak of
believing in Hashem etc.. Furthermore, the ‫ כלי יקר‬notes that Hashem’s name is
not mentioned in any of the last five‫ דברות‬. This is because they are ‫בין אדם לחבירו‬,
but ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬has a ‫ בין אדם למקום‬element as well. This leads ‫ חז"ל‬to proclaim
that one who honors his parents, Hashem considers it as if He dwells in this house
and is honored as well. The Ramban and the Gemara explain how ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬is
connected to the previous ‫דברות‬. According to the Gemara ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬allows
people/non-Jews, to believe in the first two ‫דברות‬. It proves that Hashem did not
command them for His own personal honor. On the other hand, the Ramban
states that we learn from the first two ‫ דברות‬the extent of the ‫ מצוה‬of ‫כיבוד אב ואם‬.
Whatever one should not to do Hashem, he should not do to his parents as well.
The last source elucidates how ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬relates to the ‫ דברות‬after it. The
Eliyahu Rabba gives a specific description as to how ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬relates to the
‫ דברות‬that follow it. One who does not fulfill ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬properly, is considered
on some level as if he is guilty of ‫ לא תנאף‬,‫ לא תרצח‬etc…
D. When the Torah recounts the ‫ עשרת הדברות‬again in ‫פרשת ואתחנן‬, it does so with
some differences. One of them is that regarding ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬the Torah adds the
words, ‫”"כאשר צוך ה' אלוקיך‬. According to the ‫ משך חכמה‬these words refer
specifically to‫ בנ"י‬situation in the desert. There, parents provided little for their
children; all of their physical needs were taken care of by Hashem via the ‫ ענן‬or
‫באר‬. Their spiritual needs were also met without parental involvement since they
learned Torah directly from Moshe, however, even in such a case, one must still
honor their parents. A possible practical ramification of this might be if someone
does not feel a need to honor their parents because their parents were abusive, not
warm or loving etc..it seems that that alone is not enough of a reason. (Do not
pasken halacha from this, any real question should be brought to a competent
Rav.) The Netziv states that this phrase teaches us that even though ‫כיבוד אב ואם‬
seems to be a logical mitzvah, we need to honor our parents because Hashem said
so, not because it makes sense to us. These two answers fit together well. If a
person honors his parents only because Hashem says so then it makes no
‫בס"ד‬
difference what his parents gave or didn’t give him. Essentially the ‫ משך חכמה‬and
Netziv are agreeing on that basic point.
E. When the Gemara wants to bring an example of someone who fulfilled the
mitzvah of ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬to its utmost, it chooses a non-Jew, ‫דמא בן נתינה‬, who
refused to wake his father even though it involved a tremendous loss of money.
The question remains, what is the connection between ‫ גויים‬and ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬that
he is given as the prototype for proper fulfillment of this mitzvah? There are three
answers given. They all have in common that they attribute non-altruistic reasons
to a non-Jew’s fulfillment of ‫כיבוד אב ואם‬. They differ in the reason they ascribe to
their fulfillment of this mitzvah. According to the Maharal, a non-Jew will only
follow a mitzvah that is logical. ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬is a very logical mitzvah. The ‫מכתב‬
‫ מאליהו‬attributes their propensity to this mitzvah to selfish motives. If I take care
of my parents, then my children will take care of me. Finally, the ‫אזניים לתורה‬
states simply that since non-Jews are very attached to the physical, to the ‫עוה"ז‬,
they feel thankful to those people who brought them into ‫עוה"ז‬. The above allows
us to understand why the ‫ זכות‬of this mitzvah will cause Esav’s downfall. ‫כיבוד אב‬
‫ ואם‬is the one mitzvah that non-Jews have some connection to. If we excel in this
more than them, they will have no “mitzvah” left and Moshiach will come.
After seeing all of the above sources relating how important this mitzvah
is, why is it so hard for us to do? The Sichos Mussar explains that human nature
is to abhor any kind of rules or forced activity; people view it as imprisoning.
‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬forces the child to bend his will to his parents and their rules are
viewed as constraints. Rabbeinu Bichaye gives a practical reason why it is hard
to honor ones parents. Many times a person’s parents may live to a very old age
and the individual has to care for them; the parents become a burden to the
children. The ‫ חובות הלבבות‬offers a third reason. He states that a person does not
recognize kindnesses that are done for him if he has grown up that way. A person
is a beneficiary of his parents’ kindness from day one and he has become
accustomed to their love, nurturing and benevolence. Therefore one does not
appreciate how much parents do for them unless they stop and take note. As a
result, ‫כיבוד אב ואם‬, does not come naturally for most people.
II. This section discusses some underlying principles of ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬before getting
into actual halachos later on. According to the Shulchan Aruch and ‫ ספר חרדים‬a
person has an obligation to honor, fear and love his parents. The ‫אורחות צדיקים‬
points out that one who does so is rewarded. He explains that Yaakov was ‫ זוכה‬to
12 tribes because he listened to his parents regarding a marriage partner.What is
exactly entailed by the obligation to honor one’s parents? The ‫ חיי אדם‬writes that
a person has to view his parents as special, extraordinary people. The "‫"עיקר כבוד‬
is really in the person’s attitude towards his parents. R’Hirsch adds that this can
be seen from the word ‫ כבוד‬itself. ‫ כבוד‬comes from the word ‫ כבד‬which means
heavy. Our parents have to have “weight” in our eyes; our actions should
‫בס"ד‬
demonstrate how important our parents are. The Sichos Mussar gives practical
advice as to how one can really esteem their parents. He states that a person
should try to focus on the aspects of his parents that they excel him. Only then can
they come to true ‫ כיבוד‬because one is only ‫ יוצא‬in this mitzvah if he truly esteems
and values his parents. ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬cannot be fake.
A. It is important to emphasize that no halachos should be decided based on this
packet, it is for educational purposes only. This section discusses one whose
parents are not so religious and ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬as it applies to a Ger. The first
Rambam deals with an extreme case of one who’s parents are being taken out to
be killed for committing a capital crime. Even in that case one is forbidden to hit
or curse them. This shows the extent of the mitzvah. The next Rambam discusses
people who were raised without proper knowledge of Judaism, ‫תינוק שנשבה‬.
Nowadays, most parents who are not religious are not ‫ רשעים‬as in the first halacha
of the Rambam, but rather were not raised with proper Jewish knowledge- ‫תינוק‬
‫שנשבה‬. The ‫ חזו"א‬adds that those types of Jews are considered full Jews (in
regards to their shechita) and therefore it seems that there is a mitzvah to honor
parents even if they are not religious. Regarding a Ger, according to the Rambam
a Ger is forbidden to curse his parents because then his parents will think that now
that they are religious they don’t honor their parents and it will be a '‫חילול ה‬. Rav
Moshe Feinstein, in the Igros Moshe, deals with the question of a Ger who was
asked to visit her ailing mother. Rav Moshe allows it for a number of reasons.
First, we do visit sick non-Jews because of the principle of ‫ דרכי שלום‬and this falls
under that category. Second, he quotes the Rambam mentioned above that a Ger
cannot curse or disgrace his parents. In this case, it would definitely be a disgrace
to the mother if the daughter would not visit her when she is sick. Third, since
honoring ones parents is considered a universal principle, not going would be a
'‫חילול ה‬. Fourth, not visiting the mother falls under the category of ‫ כפוי טוב‬which
is a bad midah. Furthermore, the Rambam says that one treats one non-Jewish
parents with ‫ מקצת כבוד‬which Rav Moshe defines as the prevalent custom
regarding parents. In our days, visiting a sick mother is considered the norm.
Therefore Rav Moshe allows her to visit the sick mother. The only time it would
be ‫ אסור‬would be if she were to visit her mother on a regular basis when she is not
sick. But to visit her sometimes is fine, especially now that she is sick.
B. When it comes to keeping halacha, in general, the guidelines are slightly
different. The Shulchan Aruch says that children must keep all the Torah
regardless of what the parents say. However, if one does see their parents making
a mistake with regards to halacha, instead of correcting them outright, one should
say “It say in the Torah etc…”. The Arugas Bosem says further that if a chumrah
(in his case, toveling in a cold mikveh) causes the parents pain/worry over the
child’s health, he should not take on the custom. This is because causing a parents
pain falls under the category of ‫ כיבוד‬. The ‫ שערים מצוינם בהלכה‬writes that
someone who wants to grow a beard is allowed to even though the parents might
‫בס"ד‬
protest. Rav Moshe Shternbuch adds that one must consult a Rav in this situation
to determine if this is the proper course of action at this time. The ‫פתחי תשובה‬
discusses a similar situation. If a child wants to daven in a shul where they daven
with more kavanah, he is allowed even if his mother protests. However, Rav Pam
cautions that cases such as these are usually very volatile; the child should make
sure that in the course of improving his tefillah, he won’t trample on his ‫בין אדם‬
‫לחבירו‬. In both of the above cases it is clear that it is best to find a compromise
where both the parents and child will be happy rather than to cause one’s parents
‫צער‬.
C. A child is not allowed to cause his parents to worry. The proof of this is from the
‫ ספר חסידים‬who writes of a case where a child was traveling somewhere dangerous
and he knew his parents were worried. The child is obligated to send a messanger
to tell his parents that he arrived safely. The Igros Moshe applies this idea to the
‫ איסור‬of drugs. Among many other reasons (in the grey) he lists ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬as a
reason to not take drugs. One who does so is surely causing his parents pain and is
therefore transgressing ‫כיבוד אב ואם‬.
D. A person is obligated to honor his step-parents. This is learned out from the
Gemara that discusses Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi’s will. In it, he asks his children to
be careful with their mother’s honor. The Gemara questions why Rabbi Yehuda
HaNasi had to command his children regarding this; it is an explicit mitzvah in
the Torah! The Gemara answers that this “mother” was not their biological
mother, rather their step-mother. The obligation to honor her is learned out from
the extra word "‫ "את‬in the pasuk, "‫"כבד את אביך ואת אמך‬. This obligation to honor
ones step-parents only applies while the biological parent is alive. Therefore
Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi felt a need to warn his children to honor their step-mother
even after his death. The Shulchan Aruch paskens like this Gemara to the extent
that even after the biological parent’s death, it is proper to honor the step-parent.
One must also honor their in-laws, says the Shulchan Aruch. The Taz writes that
this is derived from the ‫ פסוקים‬in '‫ שמואל א‬where Dovid calls Shaul "‫ "אבי‬even
though it was his father-in-law.
The nature of a woman’s obligation regarding ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬changes once
she is married. The Shulchan Aruch paskens that once a woman is married, her
husband’s needs take precedence and therefore she is not obligated in ‫כיבוד אב ואם‬.
The Shach adds an important point, that if the husband is not ‫( מקפיד‬and hopefully
most are not), then she is obligated in this mitzvah as before. A woman is even
allowed to take care of her father’s needs before her husband’s needs, with her
husband’s consent, says the Sefer Chasidim. The Torah Temima makes an
important point. A woman is only exempt from ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬because it takes time
out of her prior obligations to her home and family. The obligation of ‫ כיבוד‬is to
feed, dress the parent etc…However, the obligation of ‫ מורא‬still applies, (not
interrupting the parent, not sitting in his seat etc…) since it does not require any
time commitment on her part. Therefore when the halacha states that a woman is
‫בס"ד‬
not obligated in ‫ כיבוד אב ואם‬once she is married, it is only referring to the
obligation of ‫ כיבוד‬not ‫מורא‬.
E. This section discusses the permissibility of saying one’s parents’ name. The
Aruch HaShulchan points out that one should address one’s parents in second
person (“you”), as third person is formal and impersonal. The Shulchan Aruch
paskens that one is not allowed to call their parents by their name during their
lifetime or after. Rather one should refer to his father or mother as "‫ "אבי מורי‬or
"‫"אמי מורתי‬. If a person’s parents have an unusual name and his friend has the
same name, one is not allowed to call that friend by his name. However, if the
parents name is a common one, a person can call a friend with the same name. To
understand Rav Moshe’s teshuva, two additional sources are cited. The Gemara
(which is the source for the Shulchan Aruch) states that a person speaking in
public, if he wants to quote his father, should not quote him by name, but rather
say ‫אבי מורי‬. The ‫ מהרש"ל‬paskens based on this Gemara that one may never say
one’s parents name.
The first three paragraphs of Rav Moshe’s teshuva (optional) discuss the
difference between saying one’s parents name in public or private. The Gra
paskens that one can say his father’s name as long as he prefaces it with ‫אבא‬. Rav
Moshe posits that this is allowed because the term ‫ אבא‬denotes importance.
However, the Gemara later quotes an ‫ אמורא‬who said his father’s name without
any preface. Rav Moshe attempts to resolve this contradiction by positing that
maybe it is only forbidden to say one’s parents name in public because when the
son says ‫אבא‬, that a man is his father, he is just stating a fact, not necessarily
honoring his father and in public the obligation to honor one’s parents is greater.
But in private one can say one’s parents name with an appropriate preface. Rav
Moshe also suggests that in private it is only forbidden to say one’s parents name
without an appropriate preface because then it seems as if the son has no
connection to his father. If the son mentions his fathers’ name without showing
his connection to his father, it is derogatory for the father. But in public where the
obligation of ‫ כיבוד‬is greater, one can only say ‫אבי מורי‬. ‫ להלכה‬Rav Moshe paskens
like the Maharshal above that one is not allowed to say one’s parents name; it
doesn’t matter if in public or private. Regarding writing one’s parents’ name, Rav
Moshe rules that it is ‫ מותר‬based on the fact that many Rishonim signed their
works with their name and fathers’ name without any title. (‫(משה בן מיימון‬.
Rav Moshe then proceeds to explain why it is forbidden to use one’s
friends name if it is the same as his fathers. The reason is because it sounds like
the person is calling his father by his first name, even though he is referring to his
friend. Therefore, even according to the Rema, in a circumstance where no one
would mistake the son as calling his father by his first name, he is allowed to say
his friends name. In today’s day, when most children call their father ‫ אבא‬no one
would presume that the child is calling his father by his name and therefore it is
permissible to say one’s friends name even if it is the same as the fathers.
However if the father’s name is an uncommon name, the above ‫ היתר‬does not
apply. Rav Moshe ends by saying that all of the above does not apply if the
‫בס"ד‬
parents don’t mind if the child uses their name. However, even in that case, one
still gets a ‫ מצוה‬if he does not say his parent’s name.
The ‫ פתחי תשובה‬adds an important point. If someone asks the child who he
is (for an ‫ עליה‬to the Torah he needs to know his father’s name) and he needs to
use his parents name to identify himself, he is allowed to say his parents name
with the preface ‫( רב‬or Mrs. for one’s mother).