Steward Spaciousness
Today we’ll be talking about the fourth agreement of an evolutionary life.
There are eight of these agreements I want to share with you, although more
may occur to me along the way. These agreements are what allow us to enter
into an evolutionary life – one that is expansive and expanding, one that is
fuller and freer, one that recognizes the sacredness of everything we do and
say and think, and of this planet we live on and everything and everyone on it.
So far we have talked of listening for what is trying to become; speaking true
words rather than words we think the other wants to hear, or words that get
us off the hook, or any otherwise false words; and exemplifying the adventure
of becoming – generating a “zeal for aliveness.”
Now we come to an idea that is very useful in all parts of our lives. The idea is
this: If we create and maintain spaciousness in our minds, in our thoughts, our
words, our relationships, we give ourselves the room we need to stop being
controlled by our old thought patterns – which are mostly not even conscious
– so that we can create a new future. We have to release our normal state of
contraction in order to move from where we are to where we want to be – to
EVOLVE. And we have to steward that spaciousness –we have to take care of
it so it is always there, because we need it more than we realize.
Most of the time, most of us live in a state of mental and spiritual contraction
– this contraction is most often caused by over-identification with the contents
of our own mind. Contraction also happens when we have unresolved
conflicts – conflicts where we are deeply attached to our side of the conflict.
Contraction happens when we are in a state of judgment, or when we cling too
fiercely to our perspective, or when we identify ourselves too much with our
roles rather than our essence.
Think about a conflict you have in your own mind, one where you just know
you’re right. Or think about a person you have a very low opinion – read
JUDGMENT – about. Can you feel the contraction in your whole being?
That state of contraction keeps us stuck right where we are. When we are
contracted we are far less able to evolve. We are far less able to see where we
are holding on to our old ways of thinking and speaking and doing – which, of
course, means we just keep recreating the life we already have. When we are
contracted it is very difficult to move to a different way of thinking and living.
We’re stuck with the same old script we have always had.
A state of mental spaciousness allows us to see what we are thinking. A
spacious mind allows us to observe ourselves when we are acting from our old
baggage, when we are doing things based on old relationships and old
thinking. The spacious mind lets us see when we dive into the stream of
negative thoughts. When we see what our mind is doing, we can make a
decision about the thing we are reacting to – we can respond instead of react.
So think for a moment about some time in the recent past when you had some
unexpected free time, where you just did nothing for an hour. Feel the
spaciousness? Or think about someone with whom you have a real easy,
comfortable relationship with no unresolved conflict. Again, can you feel
yourself loosening up, becoming more spacious?
This spaciousness is something we can create and nurture in our own psyche.
One of the best ways to do this is to practice meditation. Meditation is the
intentional creation of some space in which to just be, in silence, and see what
comes forth from your mind.
Meditation is a softening of the mind, an easing of the contractions, a
loosening of the bonds. Whatever form of meditation you choose, the idea is
to just witness what comes forth, without judging it or pigeonholing it or giving
it weight or creating a story about it. Just give it some space; just see it. Then
you have the ability to notice how you are relating to it. Then, you just keep
breathing, or saying the mantra, or whatever you do to achieve focus in
meditation.
Over time, you realize that you have thoughts – the thoughts don’t have you.
You see how thoughts arise, how you bite into them and hold on, and how you
let go. Soon, you bite into fewer and fewer thoughts because you develop
selectivity – you only grab hold of those that are important.
Then you are in a place where you can choose to think differently and not have
your subconscious mind trip you up. The spacious mind is a much freer mind,
a place where we can really see and experience our divine nature, our divine
power of choice.
Make some space in your life for meditation, contemplation, staring at the wall
in silence – however you want to characterize it – so you can make some space
in your mind and soul.
We also have constriction in our minds about our relationships. In order to
create interpersonal spaciousness, we have to clear up every conflict as soon
as possible. We have to clear it up within ourselves, mainly, but sometimes we
also have to clear it up with the other person.
We all have conflict in our relationships, don’t we? Some days we get up
feeling cranky, and the people in our lives can’t do anything right. We create
all kinds of conflict in our relationships, whether we let the other person know
about it or not, because we make up all kinds of stories to justify our
crankiness at other people. We reach into our baggage – the kind we all carry
around from our pasts – and we pick something nasty out, and we fling it at
the other person. That kind of conflict is ours and ours alone. We have to deal
with it within ourselves.
We deal with it by realizing that we created it, and by choosing to feel and
think differently. We deal with it by remembering that our truth is just that –
ours. And only ours. Another’s perspective is going to be different, so their
truth is also going to be different. We deal with it by realizing that we cannot
change anyone else’s beliefs or behaviors, but we can always change our own.
When we decide not to let conflict hang around and eat us up, that decision –
that intention – lets us hold our baggage more loosely. We can see ourselves
flinging stuff from our baggage at the other person, and we can laugh at
ourselves and just ease up!
Some conflicts require us to work with another person to resolve them. For
example, sometimes someone says something in an inappropriate way or in an
inappropriate environment, like someone at work calls you out in front of your
whole department. That’s inappropriate and hurtful.
In order to create spaciousness in our minds, we have to address these
conflicts as soon as possible. And instead of going about it the way we always
have, the way we do it in order to create space around it in our minds is like
this: First, we assume responsibility for taking the initiative to clear the thing
up. Second, we look for what stories we might be making up around the
circumstance.
Third, we think it through beforehand, so we can say what we need to say
calmly and clearly rather than getting into another conflict that requires even
more work to resolve, and so we are clear that we aren’t dragging in any of our
own baggage. Fourth, we go directly with the person involved, rather than
triangulating or recruiting support for our side.
Finally, we approach the other person with openness and possibility,
remembering that if WE have the ability to change, so does everybody else.
If we don’t clear up these conflicts quickly, they tend to take up residence in
our minds. Every time we mentally walk past the conflict, we contract. We go
into that mode of thinking, “I shoulda said this” and “I coulda given that guy a
piece of my mind” or “that so-and-so!” and on and on. We contract more and
more tightly. To keep our minds spacious we must resolve the issue and let it
go.
There is another kind of conflict we have to deal with in order to maintain
mental spaciousness. When we are consciously aligning with the truth – which
is why we’re here, right? -- it means we are consciously aligning with change.
We are evolutionary beings in an evolutionary universe. Change is the norm.
Inner conflict is virtually certain to result from this leaning into change. Some
changes we resist, and some of us resist all change as a matter of principle! At
some points in our life we may become really attached to a particular self-
concept, and when it’s time for that self-concept to change, resistance arises.
Early shame and trauma can move us to limit our life choices to we don’t reexperience the pain. All these ways of being mean conflict results when we
are evolving, which is all thetime.
So we have to find ways of letting go of these inner conflicts as well. The first
step is simply intending to create space around the conflict. That goes a very
long way. Then we learn to listen to our resistance, to ask it what it is trying to
tell us. Then we can put the information to use rather than just shut down and
resist. Unless it’s really crazy, which sometimes it is, in which case we just see
that it’s crazy and let go of it.
If it’s a matter of attachment to a particular self-concept, most likely it’s
precisely that self-concept we need to let go of. We humans can take a certain
idea of ourselves and set it up as an idol, to be worshipped and protected.
When something happens to shake up that idea, we have clear choices: we
can contract and throw up another set of barriers to try to protect our image
of ourselves, or we can let go and realize that we are evolving, and that
changing our self-concepts is part of that evolution.
I’ve done it both ways, many times, and I highly recommend doing what is
necessary to create some space around that particular inner conflict. It always
works out better for me when I do that.
If we have fields of pain from our past – they’re like mine fields, into which we
dare not go – we simply commit to clearing them. We set our intention to let
go of the pain and the drama around the pain, in order to set ourselves free.
There are some wonderful books by Brene Brown – one is called Daring
Greatly and another is called The Gifts of Imperfection. Ms. Brown is a shame
researcher and has come up with some wonderful practices to help us all get
over our shame and self-worth issues. I have found them very helpful.
There is also a practice called “Transformational Inquiry” that helps us clear
these fields. As a matter of fact we’ll be starting some transformational inquiry
groups around July 1, so plan on coming to learn and practice this powerful
technique for dealing with pain and shame and shadow stuff. Come spend a
couple of hours in the air conditioning here and air condition your soul as well.
We do all these things in order to create space around our own thoughts and
reactions – so that we can respond, rather than react; so that we can give
ourselves the space to make a different choice; so that we can stand fully in
our own power instead of giving it away to others, to our old thinking patterns,
to our old pain.
And Rumi’s poem, our reading for today, can help – Rumi tells us secrets about
ourselves. First secret? We are a guest house, every morning a new arrival.
And that means every morning a departure. We change. We change feelings,
we change moods, we change ways of thinking, we change.
The other secret Rumi tells us is that everything that comes – dark thoughts,
meanness, depression, joy, even a crowd of sorrows to sweep your house
empty of its furniture – everything, everything is sent as a guide from beyond.
In other words, whatever you are dealing with is precisely tailored to your
circumstances, precisely engineered by you to help you get past whatever is
causing you to contract, to help you move beyond whatever is preventing your
evolution and expansion.
Life is always pressing from within, seeking a fuller expression as you. Love is
always surging from within, seeking a larger freer being in you. The Divine is
always urging from within, seeking a greater knowingness of Itself by means of
you. Give yourself some space. Create a spacious mind, and steward it
carefully. You are doing Divine work!