Psychology of Personal Effectiveness
All You Need To Know About How To Live
Happily & Effectively
Timothy W. Starkey, Ph.D., ABAP
Chapter 9. Listening Skills
Miami Dade College
Psy CLP1006
Hialeah Campus
Room 1214
M/W/F
8:00-10:15 AM
May 7- June 16 (2007)
305-279-0758 (Home)
or
305-338-1615 (Cell)
Hours 1:00 to 5:00 PM
On Mondays & Wednesdays
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• Communication can be most easily defined as the transfer
of information among individuals
• “Good” communication can be defined as those (rare)
times when a) the communicator communicates clearly
and b) when the listener understands exactly what the
communicator is communicating
• How many times have you gotten into an argument with a
friend or parent over a misunderstanding? {you said}
“WHY didn’t you TELL me?”… {they said} “I DID tell you…
you weren’t listening!!!”… and the battle begins!
• Communication can be worse than useless if it isn’t clear
and isn’t correctly understood.
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•
1.
2.
3.
4.
Basically, we communicate in four different ways:
Speaking
Writing
Reading
Listening
The first two are “output” and the second two are
“input”.
While these skills are not “inborn” in the sense that they
are not present at birth, the degree to which we are able
to master them IS partly influenced by biological/genetic
factors,.
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Listening vs. Hearing
• There is an important difference between “listening” and “hearing”.
• If I bang something on the table, you hear it… automatically. You don’t
have to DO anything to hear it, you just do… unless you’re asleep… it’s
basically a “passive” experience. Your auditory membranes process the
sound waves, but your brain could be oblivious to the message or
meaning being transmitted.
• Listening, on the other hand, is active… you actually have to do
something to listen… you have to choose to attend to a stimulus. This
requires some degree of effort, attention, and concentration.
• A recent study indicated that college students spent 53% of their time in
listening activities.
• Another recent study indicated that employees of major corporations
spend about 60% of their workday listening to others. (another good
reason NOT to work for a major corporation!)
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• Communication is a two-way street. It requires both someone
communication and someone listening. If either aren’t present,
communication doesn’t occur.
• Studies of people’s listening abilities have repeatedly shown that most
people do not listen well.
• One study showed that only 12% of the college students in the class
were actively listening to the professor’s lecture and thinking about the
lecture material.
• We spend so much effort teaching “speaking skills” and so little
teaching “listening skills”.
• Listening to others is not only the sine non qua of understanding them,
it is a sign of respect and interest. Too often, when someone else is
speaking to us, instead of listening carefully to them, we’re thinking
about what we’re going to say next. This makes our replies “off target”
because we didn’t fully grasp what the other person was saying.
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Pseudo-listening
“Pseudo-listening” or fake listening occurs when we pretend to be
listening to someone, but we’re actually thinking about something
else. There are many reasons why we do this ~ we may not be
interested in what the other person is saying, we might not like what
the other person is saying, we may have a hard time understanding
the other person etc.
Other reasons why people “pseudo-listen”:
1.
Pretending to listen to make people think you’re interested in them
so you will be liked
2.
Watching/worrying about signs of possible rejection
3.
Listening for one specific piece of information and ignoring
everything else
4.
Thinking about what your rebuttal is going to be instead of what
they’re saying
5.
Pretending to listen so someone will listen to you ~ hurrying them
along so you’ll get to talk sooner
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6.
7.
8.
Listening for someone’s vulnerabilities or weaknesses in order to take
advantage of them when you speak
Half-listening to someone because that’s all you feel that you have to
do
Faking listening to someone because you don’t want to hurt their
feelings
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Blocks To Effective Listening
Even when we’re really trying to listen to someone speak, there can be factors
that interfere with or block out listening without our even realizing it.
1.
Judging ~ our natural tendency to judge what we’re hearing as good or
bad, intelligent or stupid, what we agree with or what we disagree with ~
can get in the way of effective listening
2.
Mind reading ~ sometimes instead of focusing on what the person is
actually saying, we skip ahead and start thinking about what we assume
he’s going to be saying next
3.
Stereotyping ~ listening to someone in terms of our stereotype about him
(e.g. race) instead of listening to what he’s actually saying
4.
Interrupting ~ Type A people do this all the time. We’re so eager to get
our opinions out that we actually cut the other person off so we can
begin sooner… this is based on our assumption that we “know” what he
was going to say anyway.
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5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Comparing ~ sometimes we listen for the purpose of seeing how we
measure up to the other person, drawing comparisons and contrasts
in our heads.
Advising ~ you put yourself into the role of problem-solver and put
your attention on searching for the right advice to give the person
who’s speaking to you (this one especially afflicts counselors)
Rehearsing ~ you are busy rehearsing what you’re going to say when
the speaker is finished speaking, instead of listening to him
Stage-hogging ~ this refers to people who listen only enough to
switch the subject back to themselves or their interests. They are
described as “self-referent”, narcissistic people.
Filtering ~ this happens when you listen only to what you want to
hear and tune out what you don’t want to hear (like when your
Director of the CIA tells you “there are no WMDs in Iraq, sir”)
Dueling ~ you get so emotionally involved in arguing or competing
with the speaker that you fail to listen carefully to his points
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11. Derailing ~ you keep making jokes or ridiculing the speaker as a means
of preventing him from making his points, instead of listening to him
12. Daydreaming ~ this happens pretty often when the speaker says
something that triggers a chain of associations in your mind. You can
get totally drawn into your fantasy and become oblivious to what the
speaker is saying.
13. Placating ~ You get so involved in being “nice” or “agreeable” to the
speaker that you overlook or ignore things he’s said that you disagree
with (e.g. your favorite presidential candidate says something really
stupid in a debate, but you minimize or ignore it)
14. Hidden agenda ~ when you enter a conversation with a hidden agenda
(e.g. a special interest that isn’t evident on the surface and about
which you are not forthcoming), the resulting communication becomes
distorted because one party (you) isn’t being honest
15. Overreacting ~ you ventilate excessive emotionality over a word or
phrase that you find offensive or insulting, and your reaction prevents
you from hearing what was actually said
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• One communications study in Boston (1989) showed that
high school students who have 3 or more strong opinions
about a given subject were 37% less likely to remember
information given to them orally about that subject when
they were quizzed on it four weeks later than were their
classmates who did not have strong opinions about the
subject.
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• OK, there were approximately 10 different pieces of
information in the paragraph I just read to you.
• Please take out a piece of paper and write down as
many of them as you can remember.
• We’ll take 5 minutes to do this.
• Please begin.
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• OK, this time I’m going to read to you another
paragraph of approximately equal complexity with about
10 separate pieces of information in it.
• This time I want you to be really paying attention.
• No fair taking notes!
• Ready?
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• A psychology study in Chicago (1996) done on 310 college
students who were 30 or more pounds overweight found
that 48% of them were more likely to describe themselves
as unattractive and 31% of them were more likely to report
feeling depressed than were their classmates who were
within normal weight limits.
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• OK, there were approximately 10 different pieces of
information in the paragraph I just read to you.
• Please take out a piece of paper and write down as many
of them as you can remember.
• We’ll take 5 minutes to do this.
• Please begin.
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Techniques for Active Listening
1.
2.
3.
Paraphrasing ~ this involves re-stating in your own words what you
think someone has just said. This gives you the chance to practice
careful listening and to clear up anything that you misunderstood.
Client-centered counselors use this technique all the time.
Clarifying ~ asking the speaker if he would clarify something that
you’re not sure you heard correctly (e.g. like “uh, did you REALLY
say that we were going to nuke Iran?”)
Feedback ~ sharing your immediate, honest, and supportive (if
possible) reactions with the speaker
Empathic listening ~ this type of listening goes even further than “active
listening”. It involves trying to put yourself “in the shoes” of others.
Theodore Reik refered to this as “listening with the third ear”. Carl
Rogers called it “reflection”. A technique of “empathic listening” is
mirroring back the speaker’s feelings as you infer them: “I sense that
you are felling…”, “you seem really (sad, happy, etc.) today”, “It
appears that you feel…”
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Rules for Effective Nonverbal
Communication
•
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Evaluating nonverbal behavior as a means of detecting deception is
largely guesswork and is often totally wrong. “Shifty eyes” are NOT a
sign of dishonesty, although they MAY be a sign of discomfort (what
might be causing the discomfort is totally your inference).
Maintain good eye contact but be careful not to stare at them
Use your body language to communicate interest ~ don’t slouch and nod
your head now and then to show that you’re awake.
Speak clearly, loudly enough to be heard, modulate your voice tone, and
enunciate carefully.
Use the power of touch appropriately and to good effect. Shaking hands or
lightly touching someone’s arm as they enter or leave may communicate
that you care. Think of politicians running working the crowd. Skip
kissing babies, though… you can pick up some pretty nasty germs that
way.
Respect the personal space of others. Different cultures and genders react
differently to “getting too close”.
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End of Chapter 9
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