February 14th - Jeff Sabine
Documents were recently found near the most southern coast of
Antarctica, and are thought to be those of an alien species. Scholars
believe that the contents of the documents are observations of human
activities, made by these aliens. They had some very interesting things to
say about the activities that take place (mainly in North America) in the
middle of February. Here are some of the things that they had to say.
It is well known that after years of human study we have yet to
find a coherent or logical pattern to their behavior, on a whole. But, at
the bifurcation point of their second month, we do find a common theme, at
least among those who live on the land mass in the upper left hand side of
our photograph.
The second month (in this region specifically) is the coldest of
all of the twelve months of their year. So, it seems that, in the middle of
this month humans attempt to become closer to each other for the purposes of
heat retention. The behavior that is trying to be achieved by either member
of the human pairing is one that involves a mutual clasping of the outer
most extremities of their "arms". Each member is to place their extremities
on the back of the opposite member of the pairing, this allows for a
transfer of heat between the two.
But, (and here comes the consistent pattern of behavior spoken
about above) one of the members of the pairing seems to lack the mental
capacity to remember the time in which this sun-rise/sun-set cycle begins in
the middle of the second month. Much preparation need be organized in order
to coerce the other member of the pairing to allow the heat transfer ritual
to take place. If this preparation is not performed by the midpoint of the
second month by one member of the pairing, the other will become unreceptive
and may seek a different member to perform the heat transfer ritual with.
The one member, due to a lacking mental capacity, must then rise
from the sun-rise state of rest before the other member of the pairing, in
order to quickly find a building which holds the proper preparation items
needed for the ritual. Upon retrieving these items, this member hurries
back to the shared rest building and performs a dramatic sketch which
involves lying beside the other member of the pairing, as if the member in
question had never left to prepare. If this sketch is performed properly,
the ritual can still take place.
Close to the beginning of the sun-set period of the mid month
event, the successfully prepared member of he pairing decorates an alter in
the center of a poorly illuminated room. The decorations include two
circular, flat objects which seem to be a place to temporarily store "food".
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The food is then consumed by each member of the pairing. This "food
sacrifice" is performed at the alter, which is lit strictly by the light
that is placed upon the top of thin, phallic ornaments that sit atop the
alter. After the food sacrifice takes place, the prepared member presents
an offering to the other member of the pairing to better ensure the success
of the heat transfer ritual.
The offerings often include a combination of many objects. One
of the most common objects used in this offering is a small black creature
that is presented to and then broken by the recipient and the innards are
removed. If the innards are of a significant luster, they are then
displayed just below the head of the recipient or sometimes on one of the
outer extremities of the aforementioned "arm". In most instances the heat
transfer ritual then instantly commences. The term "hug" is often used to
explain this behavior and the term "kiss" is used to explain the behavior
that follows the "hug". The kiss is most likely a behavior used to pay
reverence to the recently sacrificed food that was worshipped earlier on the
alter.
Scholars have dubbed the alien analysis a "dirty rotten lie".
It seems to imply that an inequality of brain strength between certain
members of society and others. "There is no need to spread information that
may harm the relationships of these observed individuals", says one scholar.
And I tend to agree with Him.
P.S. All of these earthly scholars are men.
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