5 Secrets That Will Help You Master Conversation Skills
By Eric Barker - TIME
What are the fundamentals of conversation skills?
I’ve posted about the fundamentals of networking, and even how introverts can network but
many people have written to me asking about the nitty gritty of conversation skills.
What do you say when you’re face to face?
It’s a good question that isn’t often addressed. First impressions matter even more than you
think. And once they’re set, they are very hard to resist.
Let’s break it down:
1) “Be yourself” is often bad advice.
Is “be yourself” the best advice before a job interview? Hell, no. Dress nice, be polite and act
enthusiastic no matter what you’re like, right? What does “be yourself” even mean? You’re not
the same person moment to moment. Face it, you can be moody.
“Fake it until you make it” works. Does acting a bit in social settings mean you’re dishonest? No.
Research shows putting your best foot forward actually reveals the real you.
In sum, positive self-presentation facilitates more accurate impressions, indicating that putting
one’s best self forward helps reveal one’s true self.
2) Emphasize similarity.
There is extensive research that we like people who are like us.
In almost every conceivable way, from background to word choice, emphasizing similarity
improves social relations. When salespeople were told to mimic the body language of listeners
it was rarely noticed but sales increased 20%.
Despite the rather obvious nature of the copycat animation, only eight of the sixty-nine
subjects detected the mimicry (and those mostly because they made a strange movement and
then saw the agent making the same unusual motion). The remaining students liked the
mimicking agent more than the recorded agent, and rated the former as being friendlier as well
as more interesting, honest, and persuasive. They also paid better attention to the copycat
presenter and found the mimicker to be more persuasive. In the final analysis, just adding
mimicry made the sales pitch 20 percent more effective.
3) Get them talking about what interests them.
People who have trouble with conversation always say the same thing: “But what do I talk
about?” Wrong question. The right question is “How do I get them talking about what they’re
interested in?“
Don’t be a conversational narcissist. Want to get along with people? Learn how to listen.
What should you say after you listen? Research shows you should respond with things that are
“active and constructive.“
4) Make people feel good.
Studies show no matter what people say they prefer likable people over competent people. So
don’t worry so much about being impressive
Dale Carnegie’s work agrees with scientific research. Even insincere flattery works.
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The authors show that even when flattery by marketing agents is accompanied by an obvious
ulterior motive that leads targets to discount the proffered compliments, the initial favorable
reaction (the implicit attitude) continues to coexist with the discounted evaluation (the explicit
attitude). Furthermore, the implicit attitude has more influential consequences than the explicit
attitude, highlighting the possible subtle impact of flattery even when a person has consciously
corrected for it.
How do you make people feel good without being slimy? Offer sincere compliments and ask for
advice.
5) How to keep a conversation going.
Avoid extremes in autonomy. Don’t dominate a conversation, but don’t be a non-contributor
either.
Add to what they say and bounce the ball back.
The trick, according to Finkel, Eastwick, and Saigal, is to avoid extremes in autonomy. Accept
your date’s pass, redirect it slightly, and then return the ball— all with warmth and genuine
interest in his or her responses.
This acceptance and redirection is the push and pull that creates smoothness.
This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree
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