ENGL&101.D3 – English Composition I (Online) – The Harlem Renaissance
Spring, 2011
Peer Review Sample
Here is a sample student first draft, with peer review comments inserted in brackets and in bold, just like
you will place in those first drafts you review in your peer response groups. Notice the language this peer
reviewer uses—she is very focused on describing her own experience as a reader and she explains each of
her comments but does not tell the writer how to fix problems. Instead, she offers suggestions. There is
also a nice mix of responses about content and meaning, with those about grammar, and a good note at the
end summarizing her feelings about the essay.
Learning A New Language
Clear communication is the road to empowerment and from early on in our lives, language is the
vehicle by which travel. [I like the idea behind this sentence, but I don’t think it is a complete
sentence because the idea about travel is unfinished] Up to this point in my life, I have had to
learn four languages in order to succeed as my family immigrated to various countries. Although it has been
difficult to put distance between myself, the people I love, and the places I have grown attached to in life, I
consider myself lucky because [This sentence seems a little long, you could cut out the “because”
and put in a period] learning English has helped me build confidence in myself at an age where it was
really easy to fall into the criticisms and bullying of others.
When my mom's job moved our family from the cosmopolitan French-speaking city of Montreal to
the suburbs of St. Louis, Missouri in the summer before sixth grade, [.] I was too preoccupied chasing
tadpoles and frogs in the man-made lake nearby, jumping around in the pool with my little sister, or
running around the apartment complex spying on people as a secret detective to anticipate the first year of
middle school that was inevitably approaching. [I love the contrast between Montreal being
cosmopolitan and the St. Louis suburbs] The first few weeks of school were like a dream because I
couldn't speak English and had absolutely no idea what was going on in my classes. [This blows my
mind! I cannot imagine what it was like] Also, sixth grade generally marks the "awkward" stage for
many people and this was certainly the case for me. Not only was I skinny, lanky, with dominant buck teeth
but no braces. [This sentence is confusing because it starts with “Not only.” How about this: I
was skinny and lanky, with dominant buckteeth but no braces.] I also wore glasses and was
apparently the only person in the school who had ever been out of Missouri. In sixth grade, none of these
characteristics work in your favor.
Six months later, I was able to "speak" in English though it was a challenge for others to understand
me. At that age, kids are pretty insecure and can be quite mean but I did not take it too seriously. I ignored
the bullying for the most part, though I do remember one unfortunate incident. We were in geography
class and our teacher, Mr. Click (notorious for his creepy glass eye) [nice detail] talked about the maple
syrup industry of the East and I said I had visited many maple syrup farms in Quebec coast [This is
another long sentence, and I think if you put a period here and start the next sentence with
“I said my favorite part” you get a stronger effect] my favorite part was at the end of the tour,
when they poured the hot syrup onto the snow and you could roll it onto your Popsicle stick as it hardened
and eat it like a lollipop. Of course, I was probably not so elaborate about the process and just said
something like, "at the end you can eat maple syrup on a stick". Just then, the freckly short kid I had been
silently but madly in love with for the entire school year blurted out, "Maple syrup on a steak? EWW!" and
at that, the entire class burst into laughter as if that was the funniest comment ever made. I was mortified.
Despite such incidents, I never admitted to any one, not my parents, not even myself, that I was less cool
than the other kids. I tried to remain as oblivious as I could and that year I spent all my free time absorbed
in English books to replace the friends that I did not have.
Towards the end of the year, all the reading was really paying off. I knew a little more English now
and for some strange reason felt it would be appropriate to try out for the school play. Miraculously, I
landed myself a role. I was Tammy, the baby who eats glue while the babysitter isn't looking and has her
mouth glued shut the entire scene. I had no lines [,] but at least I was in the spotlight for a scene. If I hadn't
been inclined to join the play, I may never have met the girl who became my best friend for years. At play
practice I usually practiced my scene with Jenifer, my sister in the play who informed the babysitter I was
eating glue. She could also be called a social outcast in the sixth grade [This is a good opportunity to
explain why she could be considered a social outcast, so you can be specific about the
connection between you guys] and the two of us became fast friends. After that first year, my English
improved steadily and I was more and more able to express myself which was great because I never liked
being the "quiet type"!
Today, people are always surprised to find out that I am not a native speaker. I never really
imagined that one day, I would totally pass for an American. I think that turning to books was the best way
that I could empower myself at that age because [Another long sentence. Maybe if you get rid of
“because” and make it two sentences, you will make the ideas clearer] they distracted me from
the bullying which now seems utterly meaningless while helping me become more familiar with a language I
was just learning to navigate.
I really enjoyed reading your essay. I cannot imagine being dumped into a classroom
where you didn't know the language! You're descriptions are fun, but I would watch out
for those extra long sentences. Think about when the reader might pause. I am curious
about what other languages you know, or countries you've lived in. Perhaps you could find
a way to use some of those details?