Healing Pornography
Conflicts 2
Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D.
Richard P. Fitzgibbons, M.D.
Comprehensive Counseling Services
West Conshohocken, PA
www.maritalhealing.com
Part 2 Objectives – to
understand the following:
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Difference between a pornography problem and
a pornography addiction
Seven point plan for recovery
Pornography and Homosexuality
Obstacles to healing
Responsible parenting
The role of priests
2
Porn Problem vs. Addiction
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Pornography Problem
 Viewing pornography at least once a month
 Usually view the same porn
 Often not premeditated
 Little or no craving for pornography
 Little or no marked increase in porn use
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Porn Problem vs. Addiction
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Self-test for a Pornography Problem
1. Do I view pornography at least once a
month?
2. When using the internet, do I sometimes end
up looking at porn?
3. When porn is readily available, am I more
tempted to view it?
4. Do I usually view the same porn?
5. When there is little or no access to porn, do I
find myself not thinking about it at all?
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Porn Problem vs. Addiction
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Pornography Addiction
 Viewing pornography daily or binging
 Craving porn – needing it to deal with stress,
anger, anxiety, etc.
 Intensity of porn has increased - Soft Core →
Hard Core, Fetish, Bondage, Violence, Child
Porn, etc.
 Tempted to act out the scenes viewed in porn
 Becoming difficult to find anyone sexually
attractive other than the women in
pornography
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Porn Problem vs. Addiction
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Self-test for Pornography Addiction
1. Do I look at porn at least once a week?
2. Do I regularly look forward to logging onto
pornographic websites?
3. Has the type of porn I view increased in
severity over time? Soft Core → Hard Core,
Fetish, Bondage, Violence, Child Porn?
4. Do I look for sexy images in newspapers,
magazines, catalogs, billboards, etc.?
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Porn Problem vs. Addiction
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Self-test for Pornography Addiction, continued
5. Do I seek out sexually arousing programs on
television?
6. Do I look forward to going away on business
trips?
7. Are there behaviors I cannot share with my
wife?
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Porn Problem vs. Addiction
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Self-test for Pornography Addiction –
Continued
8. Is getting rid of my internet account
something I could never bring myself to do?
9. Do I find my wife less sexually satisfying?
10. Do I have difficulty performing sexually with
my wife?
If you answered yes to at least five of these
questions, you may be addicted to
pornography
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Seven Point Plan for Recovery
Education/
Protecting the Family
Spiritual Plan
Counseling
Self-Knowledge
Virtue
Purifying the Home
Support and
Accountability
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Self-Knowledge
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Admitting that you have a pornography
problem/addiction
Realizing that pornography use is a symptom of
much deeper emotional conflicts
Willing to do whatever it takes to recover
Accept that recovery may be a life-long process
Committing yourself to the process – don’t give
up!
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Purifying the Home
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Remove all pornography or sexually suggestive
materials from the home
Monitor all media that enters the home
Place the computer in a public area of the home
Subscribe to an Internet Accountability Service
 CovenantEyes.com
Spouses must have full access to all computers
in the home
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Purifying the Home
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Monitor all electronic devices
 Cell Phones
 Blackberries
 I-Pods, MP3 Players
 Portable Televisions
 Etc.
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Purifying the Home
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Monitor all Social Media
 Email
 Text Messages
 Facebook
 MySpace
 Twitter
 etc/.
When traveling, choose hotels that do not offer
adult cable channels
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Support and Accountability
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Supportive male friendships with others with
similar problems
Helps men achieve and maintain chastity
Decreases loneliness
Increases confidence
Help in growth in virtue
Focus on others rather than oneself
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Support and Accountability
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Popular Men’s Groups for Men with a
Pornography Problem
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Parish men’s Bible Studies and Faith Sharing
Groups
That Man is You parish men’s groups
The King’s Men Fellowship
St. Joseph’s Covenant Keepers
Knights of Columbus
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Support and Accountability
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12-Step Groups for Men with Pornography
Addiction
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Stronger level of support and accountability
Attend several times a week to start
Uses a sponsor
Work through the 12 steps of A.A. which have
been modified for sexual addiction
Can be used along with other men’s groups
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Support and Accountability
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Common 12-step Support Groups
 Sexahalics Anonymous (SA)
 Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA)
 Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)
 Courage
Many men struggle with dual addictions, so
other 12 steps group are also used
 Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
 Narcotics Anonymous (NA)
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Counseling
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Sometimes needed for a pornography problem
Almost always needed for pornography
addiction
Used to identify the emotional, personality and
spiritual conflicts leading to porn use
Root Causes
 Selfishness
 Loneliness
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Counseling
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Root Causes, continued
 Anger
 Weak Confidence
 Mistrust of Women
 Excessive responsibilities – real of perceived
 Poor Body Image
 Permissive Parenting
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Counseling
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Root Causes - continued
 Negative Parental Role Model
 Weak Spiritual Life
Once the root causes are identified, a treatment
plan is developed to heal the emotional wounds
20
Spiritual Plan
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Essential for recovery from compulsive/
addictive behaviors
Common in 12-step support groups
A strong friendship with the Lord in needed
Commitment not to offend the Lord
Sacraments are needed for grace, healing and
strength
Helps in growth in virtue
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Spiritual Plan
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Recommendations
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Eucharist at least once a week
Weekly confession
Daily prayer and spiritual reading
Daily Scripture study – lectio divina
Monthly spiritual direction
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Spiritual Plan
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Recommendations – continued
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Annual retreats
Being active in one’s parish
A strong relationship with the Our Lady as a
loving, affectionate spiritual mother
A strong relationship with St. Joseph as an
affectionate and protective father
23
Education/Protecting
the Family
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Become knowledgeable of the dangers of
pornography and compulsive masturbation
Become aware of the resources available to fight
pornography
Protect the emotional lives and character
development of family members
24
Education/Protecting
the Family
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Teach children/teens about the dangers of
pornography
Teach children/teens about healthy sexuality,
respect, virtues, etc.
Be willing to share with others about the dangers
of pornography
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Virtues
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Based on Positive Psychology and the Writings
of John Paul II
Permeate and strengthen all other points of
recovery
Those who strive to live virtuous lives tend to be
happier and healthier
Growing in certain virtues can help:
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Grow in self-knowledge about one’s strengths and
weaknesses
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Virtues
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Growth in certain virtues can help:
 Give greater incentive to purify the home
 Focus on others for support and accountability
 Resolve many of the emotional conflicts that
have led to porn use
 Develop a stronger spiritual life
 Help protect the family from the dangers of
porn and strengthen healthy character
development
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Virtues
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Virtues for Selfishness
 Generosity: self-giving to spouse and children
 Love: for spouse and children greater than self
 Responsibility: faithful to vows
 Purity: to appreciate true beauty
 Self-denial/mortification
 Temperance
 Gratitude
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Virtues
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Virtues for Selfishness – cont.
 Humility
 Detachment
 Faith
 Deference
Read the Selfish Spouse Chapter at
www.maritalhealing.com
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Virtues
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Virtues for Loneliness
 Commit to work on healing family and peer
wounds
 Commit to work on strengthening marital
friendship and love
 Commit to work on strengthening peer
friendships
 Generosity: cheerful self-giving to God and
others
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Virtues
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Virtues for Loneliness, cont.
 Hope
 Detachment from excessive responsibilities
 Humility to let go of the need to control
 Faith: I have never been alone
 Meditate as the Lord as best friend and
brother, Mary as loving, mother and Joseph as
protective father in each life stage
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Virtues
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Virtues for Anger
 Respect
 Compassion
 Kindness
 Humility
 Forgiveness
 Read the Angry Spouse chapter at
www.maritalhealing.com
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Virtues
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Virtues for Confidence
 Gratitude: for one’s God-given gifts and
talents
 Friendship with peers
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“A brother strengthened by a brother is like a
fortified city.” Prov. 1:19
Thankfulness: especially for one’s body
Forgiveness: for those who did not affirm you
or damaged your confidence
Helpfulness: Daily reach out to help others in
need
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Virtues
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Virtues for Mistrust
 Commitment: to trust again
 See the goodness in others
 Forgiveness: for those who betrayed/damaged
trust
 Generosity: Cheerfully giving to others
 Work on strengthening healthy friendships
 Daily meditate: Lord, you are the one who
keeps me safe
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Pornography and
Homosexuality
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A search for masculinity outside of oneself
Used to compensate for deep emotional wounds
 Father wound: Searching for the affirmation
one did not receive from his father.
 Peer wound: Searching for the acceptance
one did not receive from male peers
 Poor body image
 Weak male confidence
 Mistrust of females
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Pornography and
Homosexuality
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Special focus on the following virtues:
 Gratitude: for ones God-given gifts and talents
 Friendships: healthy non-sexual friendships
with other men
 Thankfulness: for one’s body
 Forgiveness: for father and/or peers who did
not offer love, affirmation and acceptance as a
child or teen
 Generosity: to combat narcissism
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Pornography and
Homosexuality
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Special focus on the following virtues, cont.:
 Humility
 Faith
Daily meditate on the holy family
 Mary as a loving, nurturing mother
 Joseph as an affirming, protective father
 Jesus as best friend and brother who has
never rejected you.
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Obstacles to Recovery
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Denial that one has a problem
Selfishness: feeling entitled to view porn
Anger: punishing others
Loneliness: few close peer friendships
Friends who regularly view porn
Permissive parents who fail to monitor or correct
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Obstacles to Recovery
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Poor spiritual life
Lack of faithfulness to vows
Lack of support and accountability
Failure to identify and resolve root causes
Negative parental modeling
Excessive responsibilities
Lack of virtue in one’s life
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Three Parenting Styles
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Permissive
 Seek to have children as friends
 Fear of correction
 Depend excessively on children
 Often embraces the contraceptive mentality
Controlling
 Lack of respect for children
 Lack of affection and nurturance
 Do as I say and not as I do
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Three Parenting Styles
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Responsible
 Seek to protect children from the harmful
effects of selfishness
 Focus on character development
 Lead by healthy example
 Not afraid to correct in love
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Permissive Parenting
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Fail to protect children
Unable to correct selfishness due to their own
selfishness
Fosters excessive anger in children
Does not present a healthy view of human
sexuality
Fosters the contraceptive mentality and the
sexual utilitarian philosophy
Enables the use of porn by failure to recognize
its harmful effects
Often weak in faith and spiritual leadership
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Responsible Parenting
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Models cheerful self-giving
Presents the beauty of sexuality within the
sacrament of marriage
Sees the other for their intrinsic beauty
Unafraid to correct children’s selfishness
Focuses on virtues and character development
Warns teens about the damage caused by
pornography and compulsive masturbation
Criticizes the contraceptive mentality in the
culture and the sexual utilitarian philosophy
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The Role of Priests
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Be committed to the Church’s teaching on
human sexuality
Don’t be afraid to teach and preach about it
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They (the Catholic faithful) must know that
bishops and priests are totally committed to the
fullness of the Catholic truth on sexual morality, a
truth as essential to the renewal of the priesthood
and the episcopate as it is to the renewal of
marriage and family life. John Paul II: April 2002
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The Role of Priests
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Bishop Robert Finn wrote, paraphrasing John Paul
II, that "the problem with pornography is not that it
reveals too much of the person (exposed in the
image), but that it reveals too little of the person.
The person in the image is reduced to their sexual
organs and sexual faculties and is thereby depersonalized," Blessed Are The Pure In Heart: A
Pastoral Letter on the Dignity of the Human Person
and the Dangers of Pornography, February 21, 2007
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The Role of Priests
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"This plague stalks the souls of men, women and
children, ravages the bonds of marriage and
victimizes the most innocent among us. It obscures
and destroys people’s ability to see one another as
unique and beautiful expressions of God’s creation,
instead darkening their vision, causing them to view
others as objects to be used and manipulated.
Those who engage in such activity deprive
themselves of sanctifying grace and destroy the life
of Christ in their souls.” Bishop Loverde’s Letter,
2006
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The Role of Priests
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Communicate the beauty and sacredness of
sexuality in the sacrament of marriage
Warn of the dangers of pornography and
compulsive masturbation
Criticize the sexual utilitarian philosophy
Criticize permissive parenting and the
contraceptive mentality
Strengthen Catholic fatherhood
Teach that true manliness is measured by one’s
character
47
The Role of Priests
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Consider parish support groups for those men &
teens who struggle with pornography
A great source of support, accountability, and
community for men in the parish
 The King’s Men
 That Man is You
 St. Joseph Covenant Keepers
 Knights of Columbus
48
The Role of Priests
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Suggestions for what to tell penitents who
confess struggling with pornography:
 Thank God for your strength in coming
forward and admitting you have a problem.
This is the first step in your journey to
recovery.
 You’re not alone. Thousands of men struggle
with compulsive pornography use.
 Do you want to be free from this sin? Are you
willing to pay the price?
49
The Role of Priests
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Suggestions for what to tell penitents who
confess struggling with pornography, cont.:
 Healing and freedom from sin is possible, but
know that you can’t do it alone.
 It requires God’s grace, professional help, and
support from other men who understand your
struggle.
50
The Role of Priests
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Suggestions for what to tell penitents who
confess struggling with pornography, cont.:
 Here is a card that will direct you to helpful
resources. If you’re serious about overcoming
pornography use, I urge you to explore them.
 Know that God, the Father of Mercy and Love,
will provide the grace to overcome this sin.
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Developed with the Archdiocese of New York
Priest Personnel and Family Life Offices
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The Role of Priests
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A true appreciation for love and beauty can
contribute to healing the pornography epidemic
Beauty is a key to the mystery and a call to
transcendence. It is an invitation to savour life
and to dream of the future. That is why the
beauty of created things can never fully satisfy. It
stirs that hidden nostalgia for God which a lover
of beauty like Saint Augustine could express in
incomparable terms: ‘Late have I loved you,
beauty so old and so new: late have I loved
you!’”. John Paul II, Letter to Artists, n. 16 (1999)
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The Role of Priests
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“When beauty is recovered as purity and goodness,
the person rejects pornography because there is no
longer an attraction to it. The force of true beauty is
great and can, even if slowly and imperfectly,
replace the corrupt understanding of beauty. This
requires openness to the saving power of God to
transform the heart. The realization of a true
understanding of beauty restores the sight of man to
overcome his concupiscence, to overcome his use
of the other as a mere body. John Paul II knew this
well when he quoted Dostoyevsky, ‘beauty will save
the world.’” Letter to Artists, no. 16.
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Patrick Williams paper on porn, John Paul II Institute
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Contact
Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D.
Assistant Director
Comprehensive Counseling Services
100 Four Falls Corporate Center
Suite 312
West Conshohocken, PA 19428
610-397-0960
www.MaritalHealing.com
54