3. Laissez-Faire parents, empathize with their child and accept their
child’s emotions, but fail to set limits or offer guidance on their
child’s behavior.
Parents who use “emotional coaching” follow a five-step
process:
Developing Good Emotional Skills
Researchers have found that even more than
IQ, how people handle emotions will
determine the success and happiness they find in
life. Parents want to prepare their children for
life and what it may present to them. Learning to
handle emotions helps in developing and
maintaining relationships.
Parenting requires having an awareness of your child’s feelings, and
being able to soothe, guide, and empathize with them. Children, who
learn how to handle strong emotions from their parents, are better
prepared to cope with life’s ups and downs, read other people’s
emotional states, delay gratification, control impulses, and motivate
themselves.
Parents who get involved with their children’s feelings are called
“Emotional Coaches,” according to John Gottman, author of, The
Heart of Parenting, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.
There are three types of parents who fail to teach their
children emotional intelligence:
1. Disapproving parents are critical of their child when they show
negative feelings. The parent may punish the child or reprimand
them for displaying negative emotions like fear or anger.
2. Dismissing parents ignore or disregard the child’s negative
emotion. These parents may say, “That’s silly, of course you want
to kiss Grandma!” when the child protests.
1. Become aware of the child’s emotions. Take time to cue in to his
feelings. Do you notice irritation, disappointment, tiredness, fear?
2. Help the child identify and label their feelings. “You seem
upset.”
3. Use times of inappropriate displays of emotions as “teachable”
moments. “Let’s talk about how you feel. Tell me what’s going
on.”
4. Validate the child’s feelings and listen empathetically. “I
understand it makes you mad when you don’t get to….”
5. Set limits, while trying to explore problem-solving techniques.
“Hitting is not allowed. What else could you do when you are mad
at your baby sister?”
Source: John Gottman, and Joan DeClaire, The Heart of Parenting, Raising an
Emotionally Intelligent Child. (1997) Simon and Schuster, New York.
Revised: Giesela Grumbach, Family Life Educator, Matteson Center
Editor: Patti Faughn, Family Life Educator, Springfield Center, Spring 2007
For more information contact:
Angela Reinhart, Family Life Educator
University of Illinois Extension, Champaign County Unit
801 N Country Fair Drive, Suite D
Champaign, IL 61821
217-333-7672
areinhrt@uiuc.edu
www.extension.uiuc.edu/champaign
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