Let me start off by saying that this is a great story and I enjoyed reading it. I loved how you
were very descriptive in many instances in the story, like when you were describing Robert’s suit
and when he was walking inside the police station. My favorite part of the story was your
second paragraph on page four because you did an amazing job describing the sign outside the
pub. That was perfect. Your great use of dialogue also made the story come to life and also
gave characters a voice. There are just a few instances where you seem to use both present and
past tense, so you should definitely look that over. Other than that, I feel like this is a wellcrafted story and I you continue writing more chapters to it because so far it has great potential.
You have successfully developed a classical voice in your detective fiction. The pace of the
story seems to be a little slow when compared to the modern novel, but that is not a big problem
<why? how could this be amended?>. You also created a near setting and appropriate mood for
the story; although, hardcore fans of the detective genre may find your setting a little flat
<why?>. But the way you build up a mysterious veil around some characters in your first chapter
really catches my attention. I really want to know more about Dr. Hamilton and his wife rather
than the mysterious letter. If your intention since the beginning is to draw focus onto the doctor,
then have succeeded. I cannot wait for the next chapter.
I enjoyed your story because far too often incest and molestation are a reality for many young
girls and even boys and has been for centuries. I also liked how to added a heroic, happy
conclusion. I think you should talk about the niece’s younger years after losing her parents at a
young age. This is going to be a great piece of work; it invokes feelings and you can really get
lost with your imagination as you picture the era and characters <give at least two concrete
examples>. Talk about Luisa’s appearance. Was she pretty? What color hair did she have, etc.
Check for grammatical errors and go into more detail about her own children.
This was a very interesting piece from start to finish. I would have liked to see more background
from Victor’s earlier life. What drove him to become the type of man he was? I like what you
did with Luisa’s character; you introduced her and developed her throughout the piece. I would
have liked to see more setting in the beginning as well. This was a great love story and uplifting
toward the end when Luisa’s daughter finds the man of her dreams. Raul’s character seemed
rather flat, he was the hero in the story and I would have liked to see more scenes with Raul.
Your work, overall, was amazing. It had all the elements of fiction present. I would have liked
to the end more developed. More with Raul and Sofia. Give a little detail about Luisa’s mother,
what happened to her?