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-
THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER
By Barbara Robinson
Adapted By Deb Lotz and Elaine Kloser
Joanie:
The Herdmans were absolutely the worst kids in the history
of the world. They lied and stole and smoked cigars (even
the girls) and they talked dirty and hit little kids and
cussed out their teachers and took the name of the Lord in
vain and set fire to Fred Shoemaker's broken-down toolhouse.
Maggie:
They were just so all around awful you could hardly
believe they were real: Ralph, Imogene, Leroy, Claude,
Ollie, and Gladys--six skinny, stringy-haired kids, all alike
except for being different sizes and having different black-andbl~e places where they had clonked each other.
Molly:
The Herdmans pretty much looked after themselves. Ralph
looked after Imogene, and Imogene looked after Leroy, and
Leroy looked after Claude and so on down the line. The
Herdmans were like most big families-- the big ones taught the
little ones everything they knew .... and the proof of that
was that the meanest Herdman of all was Gladys, the youngest.
Joanie:
It was my brother, Charlie's fault that the Herdmans
showed up in church.
Charlie:
Oh, go on and take it.
I don't care.
I want in Sunday School.
Leroy:
What kind of dessert?
Charlie:
Chocolate cake, and candybars and cookies and Kool-Aid.
We get refreshmants all the time, all we want.
Leroy:
You're a liar.
Lydia:
Leroy was right. We get jelly beans at Easter anQ punch and
cookies on Children's Day, and that was it.
Charlie:
We get ice cream too, and doughnuts and popcorn balls.
Leroy:
Who gives it to you?
Charlie:
The minister.
I get all the dessert
Molly:
Of course, that was the wrong thing to tell Herdmans if
you wanted them to stay away. And sure enough, the very
next Sunday there they were, slouching into Sunday School,
eyes peeled for refreshments.
(Herdmans slink in, sit in back row)
Ralph:
Where do you get the cake?
Mr. Grady:
Well, son, I don't know about any cake, but they're
collecting the food packages out in the kitchen.
,
Sally:
What he meant was the canned stuff we brought in every year
as a Thanksgiving present for the Orphan's Home.
It was
just our bad luck that the Herdmans had picked that Sunday
to come, because when they sawall the cans of spaghetti
and beans and grape drink and peanut butter, they figured
there might be some truth to what Charlie said about refreshments.
Charlie:
So they stayed. They didn't sing any hymns or say any
prayers, but they did make a little money, because I saw
Imogene snake a handful of coins out of the collection
basket when it went past her.
(Mime passing basket down the row--Imogene mimes taking some
coins and stuffing them in a pocket--gets a smug look on her
face.
At the end of the morning, Mr. Grady came to every class and
made an announcement.
Mr. G.:
We'll start rehearsals soon for our Christmas pageant, and
next week after the service, we'll all gather in the back of
the church to decide who will play the main roles.
But,
of course, we want every boy and girl in our Sunday School
to take part in the pageant, so be sure to let your parents
know that you'll be staying a little later next Sunday.
(Imogene punches Joanie in the ribs)
Imogene:
What's a pageant?
Joanie:
It's a play.
Imogene:
What's the play about?
Joanie:
It's about Jesus.
Imogene:
Everything here is.
Joanie:
I figured she didn't care much about the Christmas pageant.
I was wrong. After church the next week we all filed
into the back seven pewx, along with two or three Sunday
School teachers who were supposed to keep everyone quiet.
Mother:
Now you little children in the cradle room and primary
class will be our angels. You'll like that, won't you?
Kids:
Yes.
(Not enthusiastic; with boredom, kind of all said
at different times)
Mother:
The older boys and girls will be shepherds and guests
at the inn and members of the choir. Now, we need Mary
and Joseph, the three Wise Men, and the Angel of the
Lord. They aren't very ~~rd parts, but they're very
important parts, so those people must absolutely come
to every rehearsal.
(Kids getting restless) Now, we
all know what kind of person Mary was. She was quiet
and gentle and kind, and the little girl who plays Mary
should try to be that kind of person.
I know that many
of you would like to be Mary in our pageant, but of course
we can only have om Mary.
So I'll ask for volunteers,
and then we'll all decide together which girl should
get the part.
(Imogene raises her hand--Mother pauses
looking around, sees her hand)
Did you have a question,
Imogene?
Imogene:
No.
I want to be Mary.
to be Joseph.
Ralph:
Yeh.
Mother:
(totally shocked--pauses--gains composure) Well,(clearing
her throat type deal--trying to fing a way out) we want
to be sure that everyone has a chance. Does anyone else
want to volunteer for Joseph?
(No response--Mother waits
forone--none)
All right. Ralph will be our Joseph.
Now does anyone else want to volunteer for Mary?
(Mother
looks around trying to catch someone's eye--Anyone's
eye) Joanie, molly, Alice? Don't you want to volunteer
this year?
Alice:
(In a voice almost too soft to hear--slouched down ln
her seat) No, I don't want to.
Joanie:
No one volunteered to be Wise Men either, except Leroy,
Claude, and Ollie Herdman.
So there was my mother, stuck with a pageant full of
Herdman~in the main roles.
There was one Herdman left
over, arid one main rele left over, and you didn't have
to be very smart to figure out that Gladys was going
to be the Angel of the Lord.
Gladys:
What do I have to do?
Mother:
The Angel of the Lord was the one who brought the good
news to the shepherds.
(Look to Ralph)
------------,-------_.__ _---,
..
And Ralph wants
Lydia:
Right away all the shepherds began to wiggle around in
their seats, figuring that any good news Gladys would
bring would come with a smack in the teeth.
Sam:
(Raises his hand)
to philadelphia.
Mother:
Why didn't you say so before?
Sam:
I forgot.
Maggie:
(Raises hand)
Mother:
Why not?
Maggie:I don't know.
giggles)
I can't be a shepherd.
Were
go~ing
My mother doesn't want me to be a shepherd.
She just said don't be a shpherd. (Everyone
Sally:
(Shouts) Gladys Herdman hits too hard.
Mother:
Why, Gladys isn't going to hit anybody! What an idea!
The angel just visits the shepherds in the fields and
tells them Jesus is born.
Sally:
(Mutters) ... and hits'em.
Joanie:
Of course she was right.
You could just picture qladys
whamming shepherds left and right, but Mother said that
was perfectly ridiculous.
The next Wednesday we statred rehearsals. The Herdmans
go there ten minutes late, sliding into the room like
a bunch of outlaws about to shoot up a saloon.
(Herdmans
slink in) When Leroy passed Charlie, he knuckled him
behind the ear, and one little primary girl yelled as
Gladys went by. But Mother said she was gang to ignore
everything but blood, and since neither were bleeding,
nothing happened.
Mother:
And here's the Herdman family.
all.
We're glad to see you
Sally:
That was probably the biggest lie said right out loud
in the church.
Imogene smiled--the Herdman smile, we
called it, sly and sneaky--and there they sat, the closest
thing to criminals we k~ew about, and they were goi~
to represent the best and most beautiful. No wonder
everybody was so worked up.
Mother:
Now you're angels, you're shepherds, you're guests at
the inn ... (starts to separate kids)
Leroy:
(butts in)
from?
Who were the shepherds?
Claude:
What was the inn?
Where did they come
What's an/inn?
I
(Kids start whispering back and forth)
Charlie:
It's like a motel where people go to spend the night.
Claude:
What people?
Alice:
(Tired, resignedly)
(mutter) Oh honestly!
born yet! Mary and Joseph went there.
Ralph:
Why?
Imogene:
What happened first?
Mother:
I'll begin by reading the Christmas story from the Bible.
(picks up Bible--flips to the correct page) Let's see ....
Here it is ... Joseph and Mary, his espoused wife, being
great with child ....
Ralph:
PREGNANT!
Jesus?
(at Mother)
Jesus wasn't
Begin at the beginning!
(Big kids giggle--little kids pester them to fing out
what was so funny--Mother grabs a blackboard pointer
and hammers it onthe floor)
Mother:
That's enough, Ralph.
(Joanie pinches Alice--Alice squeals and Mother separates
aND puts Joanie by Imogene--Imogene doesn't even notice
her. )
Imogene:
Shut up.
I want to hear her.
(Joanie looks in disbelief)
Herdmans:
(yell)
What's that?
Joanie:
They would always yell whenever they didn't understand
the language, and when Mother read about there being
no room at the inn, Imogene's jaw dropped and she sat
up inher seat.
Imogene:
Not even for Jesus?
Mother:
Well now, after all, nobody knew the baby was going to
turn out to be Jesus.
Ralph:
You said Mary knew.
Why didn't she tell them?
Imogene:
I would have told them!
Boy, would I have told them!
What was the matter with Joseph, that he didn't tell
them? (mumble) Her pregnant and everything.
Leroy:
What was that they laid the baby in? That Manger ...
is that like a bed? Why would they have a bed in a barn?
Mother:
That's just the point. They didn't have a bed in the
barn, so Mary and Joseph had to use whatever there was.
What would you do if you had a new baby and no bed to
put it in?
Imogene:
We put Gladys in a bureau drawer.
Mother:
(Surprised, but not too) Well, there you are. You didn't
have a bed for Gladys so you had to use something else.
Ralph:
Oh, we had a bed, only Ollie was still init and~e wouldn't
get out. SHe didn't like Gladys.
(elbows OLlie) Remember
how you didn't like Gladys?
(other kids astonished-whispering--giggling)
Mother:
(trying to regain control) Anyway, Mary and Joseph used
the manger. A manger is a large wooden feeding trough
for animals.
Claude:
What were the wadded up clothes?
Mother:
(looks confused)
Claude:
You read about it--"she wrapped him up in wadded up clothes."
Mother:
(sighs)
Swaddling clothes. Long ago, people used to
wrap their babies very tightly in big pieces of material,
so they couldn't move around.
It made the babies feel
cozy and comfortable.
Joanie:
(to audience)
I thought it just maDE THE babies mad.
Till then, I didn't know what swaddling clothes were
either, and they sounded terrible; so I wasn't too surprised
when Imogene get all excited about that.
Imogene:
You mean they tied him up and put him in a feedbox?
Where was the Child Welfare?
Mother:
(ignoring her) And 10, the Angel of the Lord carne upon
them and the glory of the Lord shone around about them,
and---
Gladys:
SHAZAM!
Mother:
~5Af?
The what?
(fings her arms out, smacking the kid next to
Joanie:
Mother never read Amazing Comics
Gladys:
Out of the black of night, with horrible vengeance, the
Mighty Marvo--
Mother:
I don't know what you're talking about, Gladys. This
is the Angel of the Lord who comes to the shepherds 1n
the fields and--
Gladys:
Out of nowhere right?
Mother:
(unhappily)
In the balck
0'
night, right,?
Well ... in a way.
(Gladys sits back down, looking very smug and satisfied, as if
it were the only part of the story she related to)
Mother:
(continues) NOw, when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of
judea, behold there came Wise Men from the East to
Jerusalem saying--
Ralph:
That's you Leroy (Mother looks sick and tired of being
interrupted) and Claude and Ollie. So pay attention.
Ollie:
What does it mean, Wise Men?
teachers?
Claude:
No, dumbbell.
States.
Mother:
(surprised, pleased) Why, that's very close, Claude.
Actually, they were kings.
Imogene:
Well, it's about time. Maybe they'll tell the innkeeper
where to get off and get the baby outof the barn.
Mother:
(reading) They saw the young child with Mary, his mother,
and fell down and worshipped him, and presented him
with gold, frankencense, and myrrh.
Leroy:
What's that stuff?
Mother:
Precious oils and frgrants resins.
Imogene:
Oil! What kind of a cheap king hands out oil for a
present? You get better presents from firemen!
Maggie:
Then we came to King Herod, and the Herdmans never heard
of him either, so we had to explain that it was Herod
who sent the Wise Men to find the baby Jesus.
Ollie:
Was it him that sent the crummy presents?
Mother:
Oh, it was much worse than that.
the baby Jesus put to death.
Were
th~,y
like school
It means like President of the United
He planned to have
Imogene
He just get born and already they're out to kill him!
Molly
The Herdmans wanted to know all about Herod--what he
looked like, and how rich he was, and whether he really
fought wars with people.
Claude
He must have been the main king if he could make the
other kings do what he wanted them to.
Leroy
If I was a king, I wouldnt let some other king push me
around.
Claude
You couldn't help it if he was the main king.
Leroy
I'd go be king somewhere else.
Lydia
They were really interested in Herod, and I figured they
liked him. He was so mean he could have been their ancestor
Herod Herdman.
Leroy
Who's going to be Herod in this Play?
Mother
We don't show Herod in ourpageant.
Maggie
Thehthey get all mad. They wanted somebody to be Herod
so they could beat up on him.
I couldn't understand
the Herdmans. You would have thought the Christmas story
came right out of the FBI files, they got so involved
in it-- wanting a bloody end to Herod, worrying about
Mary having her baby in a barn, and calling the Wise
Men a bunch of dirty spies. And they left the first
rehearsal arguing about whether Joseph should have set
fire to the inn, or just chased the innkeeper into the
next country. ';11
+ r. - /( ,J'
/¥ v,-"VI tjl.\ii
Joanie
On the night of the pageant, Mother ws so nervous she
forgot to make dinner.
Father
When it's allover, we'll go someplace and
Mother@
When it's allover with, I may want to go hide someplace.
We've neveVonce gone through the whole thing.
I don't
know what's going to happen.
It may be the first Christmas
pageant in history where Joseph and the Wise Men get
in a fight, and Mary runs away with the baby.
Molly
But nothing seemed very different at first.
There was
the usual mess allover the place--baby angels getting
poked in the eye by other baby angels' wings and grumpy
shepherds stumbling over their bathrobes.
Joanie
The spotlight swooped back and forth and up and down
till it made you sick at your stomach to look at it,
and as usual, whoever was playing the piano pitched
~ve
hamburgers.
"·Away in a Manger" much too high so we could hardly hear
it let alone sing it. My father says "Away in a Manger"
always statrs out sounding like a closetful of mice.
Charlie
While we sang "Away in a Manger" we lit candles all around
the church and the spotlight came on to be the star.
After that we sang two verses of "0, Little Town of
Bethlehem" while Mary and Joseph came infrom a side door.
(kids hum "0, Little Town of Bethlehem") Only they didn't
come right away.
So we hummed and hummed and hummed
which is boring and also very hard, and before long doesn't
sound like anything at all--more like an old refri~gerator
Alice
(to Joanie, whispering)
I knew something like this would
happen. They didn't come at all! We wonf have any
Mary and Joseph--and now what are we supposed to do?
Sally
I guess we would have gone on humming until we turned
blue, but we didnf have to.
(Ralph and Imogene enter)
Ralph and Imogene were there all right, only for once they didn't
come through the door pushing each other out of the way.
Joanie
(Ralph and Imogene pause--Iook around--scared to death)
They just stood there for a minute as if they werenf
sure they were in the right place. They looked like
the people you see on the six o'clock news--refugees,
sent to wait in some strange ugly place, with all their
boxes and sacks around them. (Ralph and Imogene walk
tothe front)
It suddenly occurred to me that this is just the way
it must have been for the real Holy Family, stuck away
in a barn by people who didn't care much what happened
to them. They couldnf have been very neat and tidy either,
but more like THIS Mary and Joseph--Imogene's veil was
cockeyed as usual, and Ralph's hair stuck out all around
his ears.
Imogene had the baby doll but she wasn't carrying
it the way she was supposed to, cradled in her arms.
She had it slung up over her shoulder, and before she
put it in the manger she thumped it twice on the back.
Alice
(gasps, whispers)
I don't think it's very nice to burp
the baby Jesus as if He h~d colic. Do you think He could
have had colic?
Joanie
(to Alice)
I donf know why not (to audience) and I
didn't. He could have had colic, or been fussy, or hungry
like any other baby. After all, that was the whole point
of Jesus-- that He didn't come down on a cloud like sonething
out of Amazing Comics, but that He was born and lived ....
a real person.
(Gladys enters from back of angel choir, pushing her way through)
Joanie
Next carne Gladys, from behind the angel choir, pushing
people out of the way and stepping on everone's feet.
Since Gladys was the only one in the pageant with anything
to say, she made the most of it ....
Gladys
Hey! Unto you a child is born!
Joanie
And all the shepherds trembled, sore afraid--of Gladys
mainly, but it looked good anyway. We got a little rest
then, while the boys sang, "We Three Kings of Orient
Are" and everybody in the audienoz.-shified around to watch
the Wise Men march up the aisle
Alice
(whisper)
Charlie
I don't know, but whatever it is it must be heavy--Leroy
almost dropped it.
Maggie
HE~ didn't have his frankincense jar either, and Claude
Ollie didn't have anything although they were supposed
to bring the gold and myrrh.
Alice
I knew this would happen.
Molly
Like what?
Alice
Like ... a burnt offering.
Joanie
(to audience) Well, they did burn things, but they ahdn't
burned this yet.
It was a ham--and right away I knew
where it carne from.
My father was on the charitable
works committee--they give away food baskets at Christmas,
and this was the Herdmans food-basket ham.
It still
had the ribbon around it sayin~ Merry Christmas.
Alice
I bet they stole that!
Sally
They did not. I carne from thier food basket, and they
.
. own h am, I guess th eyCut"00 It.
.
want toglve
away t h elr
Joanie
But even if the Herdmans didn't like ham--that was Alice's
next idea--they had never before in their lives given
anything away except lumps on the head. So you had to
be impressed. Leroy dropped the ham in fromt of the
manger.
It looked funny to see a ham there inste¢/of
the fancy bath-salt jar we always used for the myrrh
and frankincense.
And they went down and sat in the
only space that was left. While we sang "What Child
Is This?" the Wise Men were supposed to confer among
themselves and then leave by a different door, so everyone
would understand that they were going horne by 4an alternate
route. But the Herdmans forgot, or didn't want to or
something, because they didnt confer and they didn'tleave
§ither. They just sat there, and there wasn't a thing
w
What have they got?
GVICl
I bet it's something awful.
You know the Herdmans.
A-
(Ii :
~
anyone could do about it.
Alice
Theyie ruining the whole thing!
Lydia
They are supposed to have corne a long way. You wouldn't
expect them just to show up, hand over the ham and leave!
JoANIE
Usually by the time we got to "Silent Night", which was
always the last carol,I was fed up with the whole thing
and couldn't wait for it to be over. But I didn't feel
that way this time.
I almost wished the pageant would
go on, with the Herdmans in charge, to see what else
they would do that was different. Mwbe the Wise Men tA.;Lt-~
tell Mary about their problem with Herod, and she would
tell them to go back and lie their heads off. Or Joseph
and Mary might ask the Wise Men to take the Christ
Child with them, figuring that no one would think
to look there.
Everyone had (Peen waiting all this time for the
'erdmans to do something avsolutely unexpected,
and sure enough, that was what happened.
(pause)
Imogene Herdman was crying.
Well, it was the best Christmas pageant we ever
had.
Everybody said so, but nobody seemed to know
why. When itwas over, people stood around the lobby
of the church talking.
There was sonething special,
everyone said, but they couldn' t put thier finger
on what. And thaUwRBlthe funny thing about it
all.
For years I'd thought about the wonder of
Christmas, and the mystery of Jesus's birth, and
neverr really understood it.
But now,because of
the Herdmans, it didn't seem so mysterious after
all.
When Imogene had asked what the paqeant was about
I told her it was about Jesus, but that was just
part of it.
It was about a new baby and his parents
who were in a lot of trouble.
No money, no place
to go, no doctor, nobody they knew.
Father
I guess that's everything. Allover now.
It was
quite a pageant.
(to Mother) What's that you're
carrying?
Mother:
It's the ham. They wouldn't take it back. They
wouldn't take an4y candy either. But, Imogene did
ask for a set of the Bible-story pictures, and she
took out the Mary picture and said it was exactly
,
l
right,whatever that means.
Joanie:
I think it meant that no matter how she herself
was, Imogene liked the idea of the Mary in the
picture--all pink and white and pure-looking,
as if she never washed dishes or cooked supper
or did anything at all except have Jesus on
Christmas Eve.
But as far as I'm concerned, Mary is always going
to look a lot like Imogene Herdman--sort of nervous
and bewildered, but ready to clobber anyone who
laid a hand on her baby. And the Wise Men are
always goin' to be Leroy and his brother, bearing
t~he ham.
When we came out of the church that night
(the
four walk across the stage, ambling, looking up
at the sky) it was cold and clear, with crunchy
snow underfoot and bright stars overhead. And
I thought about the Angel of the Lord--Gladys
with her skinny legs and her dirty sneakers sticking
out from under her robe, yelling at all of us
everywhere:
Gladys:
Hey!
Unto you a child is born!
I
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