Relationships
Relationship (Webster's Dictionary)
1) The state or character of being related or interrelated: CONNECTION.
2) KINSHIP; a specific instance or type of kinship.
3) a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings
Webster uses such words as "connection" and "kinship" to define relationships. Think about the
relationships in your life. Do you feel a sense of connection and kinship with your friends, siblings,
parents, children, mentors, or romantic partner? It is these connections that bring us joy, energy, and
love. Through these connections we can also experience anger, jealousy, and resentment. No,
relationships aren't always easy and conflict will develop. The future of our relationships is
determined by how we work through these conflicts.
Are You Ready For A Relationship?
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Are you still in love with an ex-partner?
Are you still carrying resentment/rage toward an ex-partner?
Do you feel spiritually empty?
Do you dislike the person you are?
Do you feel you have nothing valuable to offer a partner?
Do you have addictions you’re not dealing with?
Do you feel so lonely and desperate that you’re totally miserable without a relationship?
Do you feel no one would want to be in a relationship with you?
Do you find it difficult to feel any emotion?
Are you unwilling to talk about your feelings with others?
Do’s and Don’ts of Relationships
Don’t:
Do:
• Begin your statements with “you should”,
“you ought to”, “you always’ or “you never”
• Re-fight old arguments or re-live old hurts
• Do everything together
• Demand change
• Call names, use sarcasm, make accusations
• Even when the source of pain seems
clearly to be your partner’s behavior, try to get
in touch with what is going on inside you
• Listen carefully and non-judgmentally to
what your partner is saying/feeling
• Make positive suggestions in specific terms
about what you’d like to be different in your
relationship with your partner
• Practice assessing where your relationship is
frequently
Stages of a Relationship
Attraction:
You are attracted to a person for some reason and want to know her/him better. It could be
someone who “looks good” to you; someone you’ve talked to a few times; someone who appeals
to you emotionally or for some other, unexplainable reason.
The first step:
You take the risk of suggesting you do something together- have coffee, go to a lecture or
concert together, etc.
Getting to know one another:
You start spending more time together. If it’s working so far, you both risk being more vulnerable
by disclosing things about yourselves to each other. This stage tests the relationship and builds
(or ends) feelings of trust in one another.
Conflict:
Sooner or later, differences arise. It may not seem like it at the time, but conflict is an opportunity.
The relationship can stop and stay at this level, die, or grow deeper. The opportunity is that you
have a chance to share fully and honestly the conflict you are feeling.
Working it out:
If you resolve the conflict, the relationship grows stronger. You realize you can get through the
rough spots. You develop a deeper sense of trust and confidence in each other. If you don’t
resolve the conflict, the relationship might end, or the conflict will just remain as a “sticking point.”
Deepening the relationship:
If the conflict is resolved, the relationship moves to deeper levels of caring. You have increased
trust, affection, delight and pleasure in each other’s company.
These stages are common to relationships: those between good friends, siblings, parents and
children, students and mentors, and intimate couples. Each stage will be repeated over and over
during the relationship. Each stage can be a decision point: Do you continue this relationship or
end it? Each time you choose to work through the stages in a positive way, the relationship
deepens and the commitment between you is strengthened.
Daily temperature reading:
•Appreciation: Take turns expressing appreciation for something your partner has done.
•New information: Tell your partner something which lets him/her in on your mood, your
experiences, your life.
•Puzzles: Take turns asking each other something you don’t understand (either about your own
behavior or that of your partner) that your partner might be able to explain.
•Complaint with request for change: Without placing blame or being judgmental, cite a specific
behavior that bothers you and state the behavior you would like instead.
•Hopes: Share with your partner what your dreams/hopes are, especially those which involve
both of you.
Relationship Warning Signs &
Successful Relationship Keys
In this relationship am I:
1) Disregarding my own intentions?
2) Overlooking behavior that
deeply hurts me?
3) Covering up behavior I despise?
4) Appearing cheerful when I’m hurt or
angry?
5) Allowing my standards or values
to be compromised?
6) Assuming responsibility for all the
problems in our relationship?
7) Believing I have no option but to stay?
8) Experiencing a deepening
sense of loneliness?
9) Considering a relationship (or already
have begun) with someone else?
10) Becoming critical of everything
regarding my partner?
Self-Worth Affirmations:
- I am the most important factor in any
relationship.
- I am a valuable human being, but I can
be even more valuable than I am now,
especially to myself.
- If I love me, understand me, and am
really honest with myself then full sharing
relationships will come naturally. They
may take a little longer to develop but
they are likely to be relationships worth
waiting for.
Steps for Building Loving
Relationships into your Daily Routine
Successful Relationship
Keys
NOT: I’ve been unhappy up until
now, and I expect you to change all
that.
INSTEAD: I am a worthwhile person,
capable of and deserving of a loving
relationship with someone. I’d like
that to be you, but if not you, I’m
worthwhile enough to be loved by
lots of people.
- Hug someone important to you.
- Do something thoughtful for someone
give of yourself in ways other than gifts.
- Listen to them.
- Follow through on your promises
- Ask for help when you feel overloaded; then accept
that help without criticizing their performance.
- Make an active choice to let someone
else have his/her way when you disagree.
- Tell someone you care about them.
- Allow someone to use a personal
belonging that you value.
- Believe that others will do what they tell you.
- Set aside some time for quiet talk.
- Share some of your secrets, even when that’s risky.
- Try to reduce the frequency of judgmental
thoughts about other people’s behaviors.