10/14/2015
Elder Grief: Life &
Loss
Kathy F. Berry, MRE, MS, Certificate in Aging Studies
Chaplain, Westminster Canterbury Richmond
Grief
The emotional
reaction to loss
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10/14/2015
True or False
Grief is unavoidable/universal.
The ways people grieve are as diverse as there
are people.
Grief is an internal experience of loss and
mourning is an external experience of loss.
True or False
The level of grief a person experiences is
directly related to significance of the loss.
Grief is a process which changes from day to
day.
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Complicated Grief
Sometimes maladaptive thoughts, behaviors or serious
concurrent problems can complicate grief and slow or
halt the process of adaptations.
Prolonged grief which causes impairment of daily
functioning.
Shear, K. Complicated Grief. The New England Journal of Medicine. 2015, 372:153-60
Complicating Factors of
Elder Grief
Anticipatory Grief
Cumulative Losses
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Losses in First Half of Life
Often result in growth and development
Leaving Home
Relationships
Physical Changes
Losses in Second Half of Life
More frequent, permanent & perceived
negatively
Leaving Home
Relationships
Physical Changes
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Grief Expressed in Elders
Physiological
Psycho-Social
Spiritual
Losses for Elders
Family & Friends
Health/Physical Abilities
Divorce or Separation
Lifestyle
Independence
Job
Roles
Animals
Home
Mental Faculties
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“All of life is a series of losses, which, if woven
carefully from the sadness, can stitch a richer
emotional fabric of our days.”
Mitch Alborn, author
Tuesdays with Morrie
Helping elders
navigate grief
and restore
hope
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Awareness
Grants permission to acknowledge that a loss
has occurred.
Acceptance
Provides a feeling of gratification, eliminating
conflicting feelings that clash because the elder
is unsure how to come to terms with the
problem.
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Action
Shows the elder moving beyond the loss.
Compensatory behaviors can provide a sense
of empowerment, increase self-esteem,
strengthen resiliency and promote optimism.
“The call of later life is to develop a new way
of walking (with God), by avoiding the
temptation to make idols out of the past and to
grieve the losses that are coming with increased
rapidity.”
Scott Sullender
Losses in Later Life
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Encourage a Grieving Elder to…
Embrace and vocalize emotions associated with
the loss – sadness, anger, intense longing, guilt
Talk about loss with trusted friends, family or
professionals
Attend support group(s)
Encourage a Grieving Elder to…
Tell their deceased loved one how they feel
Create a memorial to their loved one
Not neglect health or nutritional needs
Get involved in meaningful service
Do activities which bring them joy, peace, hope
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“What loss cries out for is not to be fixed
or to be explained, but to be shared and,
eventually, to find its way to meaning.”
Rabbi David Wolpe
Making Loss Matter
Coping
“The
thing that
teaches you to cope
is coping.”
Anne Welleford, Chair
VCU Dept. of Gerontology
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Emotional Regulation
“As you age you learn to emotionally regulate.
Unlike when you were in your 20’s, you become less
reactive to the highs and lows of life.”
A.W.
Case Study #1
Mrs. G, a 75‐year‐old, independent woman, just fell at the mall and broke her hip. It happened so quickly, and she feels so stupid. An ambulance whisked her to the hospital where her son met her. He looked scared to death, like she was going to die or something, but immediately took charge and began demanding attention for his mom. While waking up from surgery – where they put a pin in her hip – she could hear her son and daughter arguing about what should happen next.
She’ll come home with us to recuperate,” her daughter insisted. “We’ll get a nurse in to take care of her while I’m at work.” “No, no, no,” her son practically shouted. “She’ll need a rehab hospital and then go to a nursing home for sure. Besides, that’s cheaper than home healthcare.”
Child number three arrived and taking one look at mom lying helplessly in bed broke into panicked sobs, threw herself into a chair, and clung to her mother’s hand. Mrs. G didn’t open her eyes to this real nightmare scene. What was she going to say to stop this madness from snowballing out of control? Was there anything she could have communicated ahead of what happened which could have helped avoid this situation, she wondered? What losses is Mrs. G facing? What kind(s) of grief might she be facing?
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Case Study #2
Mr. Smith is a frail, 89‐year‐old man with COPD. Now that he’s had to move off his farm to live with his daughter in town, he spends his days indoors, mostly in the family room.
•
Everywhere he goes, 20 feet of tubing follows him as oxygen pumps into his weakened lungs 24/7. •
Even with the oxygen flowing, he often gets short of breath, especially when he’s laughing at his great‐grandaughter’s cute antics. His family rarely leaves his side for fear he’ll fall and hurt himself or need assistance. He’s a lifelong Baptist who has attended the same church since he was nine years old. Six months ago when his illness made him homebound, he asked his new minister to add him to the church’s prayer list. Unfortunately, his name never appeared on the list or was mentioned at prayer meetings. His minister hasn’t visited, either.
Mr. Smith knows he is not far from death, and he wonders what dying will be like. He’s feeling apprehensive about it, but doesn’t want to show his kids that because they’ll worry. Part of him is looking forward to death, though, because his wife died five years ago. Life without her has been hard.
What losses is Mr. Smith facing?
What grief(s) is might he be feeling
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