Glaze
1
Grace Glaze
Professor Dunn
Interpersonal Communication
December 2, 2014
Thought Paper-Couple Talk
Picking a topic out of the list we were given to write about for the thought paper
was very easy for me. I am currently in a relationship right now, and have been for almost
two years. My boyfriend is a communications major as well, so he has taken some of the
same classes as me. This has been very helpful in many ways because we can always refer
back to what we have learned in class about ways of communicating between two people,
and eventually we come to a conclusion that we communicate pretty well for two people
our age in a serious relationship. However, there are times when we both still have a lot to
learn in regards to communicating effectively, efficiently, and respectfully with each other.
During my time reading chapters nine and ten in our book, I found that Jack Gibbs’
categories of defensive and supportive behaviors in chapter ten really stuck out to me as
being something that could be helpful in my current relationship. Throughout this paper, I
will discuss each category, relate some examples to my current relationship, and then
discuss how I plan to use his advice going forward.
Before I begin, I’d like to give you a little background about my relationship and the
ways in which we communicate. My boyfriend and I, like I said earlier, communicate well
with each other given our age and generation. When one of us has a problem or concern,
we feel comfortable enough to speak freely about whatever is on our mind the moment it
happens. Both of us dislike the type of relationship where the two people withhold their
Glaze
2
thoughts and feelings, in fear of hurting the other, or disrupting the relationship. We also
dislike when people clearly have things that bother them, but keep quiet until one day they
finally burst and it creates major chaos. To avoid this, my boyfriend and I are always quick
to speak truthfully for the sake of the relationship and each other’s feelings in the long run.
While there are many things that he does very well in our relationship, there is one thing
that bothers me in terms of the way he communicates with me if I bring up something that
bothers me, but doesn’t necessarily bother him. He immediately gets defensive. Within the
past couple of months we have had arguments centered on how we argue with each other.
In my eyes, I think he should take my opinion about whatever the issue may be, and if it’s
something worth fixing, then he tries to figure out a way to fix it. In his eyes, however, he
understands my opinion about whatever the issue may be to be attacking him, and he feels
like he’s not good enough. As an example, our last argument started with me stating that I
felt like we weren’t dating each other anymore, and that we are simply just here for each
other’s company. Mind you, I’m not the type of person that needs gifts and dates to know
I’m appreciated, but a date night once a month is reasonable to me. We passed the
honeymoon stage after six months of being together, so that’s not the problem either. The
moment I finished my sentence, he immediately said, “I can’t do anything right.” His
response hurt me, because what he said makes me feel like I haven’t made him feel
appreciated. I quickly said something along the lines of ‘I don’t want you to think about it
like that, I simply just meant that I’d like to go on a date with you once in a while, and that
doesn’t mean you pay each time. I’d love to take you out, too!’ The longer we talked, the
more he got defensive about what I was saying, and the more I brought up the fact that he
was getting defensive and that it wasn’t helping. Needless to say, we are in need of figuring
Glaze
3
out a way to talk to each other about our needs in an effective and constructive way. Which
is exactly why I chose to discuss the categories of defensive and supportive behaviors.
In chapter ten of my Interpersonal Communication textbook, Interplay: The Process
of Interpersonal Communication by Ronald B. Adler, Lawrence B. Rosenfeld, and Russell F.
Proctor II, it discusses communication climate and how to create a good climate between
two people. The textbook describes that reducing defensiveness helps to create a positive
climate. In chapter ten, page 325, there is a table that represents the Gibb Categories of
Defensive and Supportive Behaviors that were created by psychologist Jack Gibbs. Gibbs
created a study that pointed out six types of defensive behaviors and six types of
supportive behaviors. They are listed: 1) Evaluation vs. Description 2) Control vs. Problem
Orientation 3) Strategy vs. Spontaneity 4) Neutrality vs. Empathy 5) Superiority vs.
Equality 6) Certainty vs. Provisionalism.
Evaluation, or an evaluative message, described in our book, is a message that
judges the other person, typically in a negative way. An example of an evaluative message is
“That’s a really ugly shirt you are wearing.” That sentence is very attacking and has no
consideration for the other person’s feelings. The book advises people to use description.
Description is a way of saying a sentence in a much better tone while taking the other
person’s feelings into consideration. A way to change the evaluative message above would
be to say, “I don’t think that shirt compliments you very well. I think a different fit would be
much cuter.” That sentence gets the point across while adding an alternative option. I will
definitely use this type of language in my relationship now that I’ve learned it because it’s a
much nicer, direct, and more thoughtful way of communicating.
Glaze
4
The definition the book gives regarding controlling communication is that it “occurs
when a sender seems to be imposing a solution on the receiver with little regard for that
person’s needs or interests” (p326). An example of a controlling statement, “Either you
start paying me more attention, or we’re breaking up.” That statement is aggressive,
threatening, and would make someone get very defensive. The solution to fixing a
controlling statement is to be more problem oriented. The books definition of problem
orientation is as follows, “communicators focus on finding a solution that satisfies both
their own needs and those of the others involved” (p327). One way to change the
controlling sentence above to make it more problem oriented would be to say, “I feel as if
you don’t want to hang out or talk to me lately. Is there something we need to work on?”
That sentence is much more honest and less aggressive. Instead of making the other person
feel like they’ve done something wrong, by saying “we” it allows for both people to look at
the problem equally. I feel like I am quick to say something that is controlling rather than
being more problem oriented with my boyfriend, so I have definitely made this particular
way of speaking something to work on in the future.
Strategy, defined by the book, is when “speakers hide their ulterior motives” (p327).
This is when people use very manipulative words while speaking. For example, if someone
says “Hey, what are your plans this weekend?” that is considered a strategic sentence.
Instead of being direct and upfront, it forces the other person to answer not knowing what
posed the question. Being spontaneous with your words means that you are being honest
with the other person rather than manipulating them. What people should say is “Hey, I’m
moving to another apartment this weekend and could use some help. Are you available?”
That is a much better sentence because you are being upfront and honest about what you
Glaze
5
are asking. This is a great lesson to learn for all types of relationships, not just romantic
relationships. Treating people honestly and fairly is the way all people should be treated,
regardless of the situation. I will definitely be more aware of this going forward.
The book gives a neutral attitude (neutrality) the definition, “[Neutrality] is
disconfirming because it communicates a lack of concern for the welfare of another, and
implies that the other person isn’t very important to you” (p329). An example of a neutral
sentence looks like this, “I told you that was going to happen if you didn’t check over it
first.” When I read that, the little voice in my head sounds as if they’re holding their nose in
that nagging type of way. I don’t know a single person who likes a know-it-all; therefore a
much better way to say something like that is by being more empathetic with your words.
Empathy is the contrast of neutrality. To fix the sentence above would look like this, “It
seems like it didn’t turn out the way you imagined, I’m sorry.” Using that type of language is
much better because it shows the other person that you are sensitive to the fact that they
were disappointed instead of coming off like a know-it-all. My boyfriend does this to me a
lot. He likes to tell me that he was right about something when I was wrong, and it usually
doesn’t go both ways. I would love for him to realize that he does this, instead of putting me
down when I’m already down. He’s more aware of it now that I’ve covered this in class, so
that’s a positive!
Superiority is another way of creating a defensive climate. This is when “I’m better
than you” language is portrayed. This type of language always makes people feel like they
aren’t old enough yet, or don’t understand yet; it’s always degrading. I have a perfect
example for this because it is relevant right now. My boyfriend is working on his capstone
paper and continues to tell me how I will ‘never understand how stressful this is until you
Glaze
6
do it next year’, which doesn’t give me a good opportunity to try to even sympathize with
him. It’s very hard to say something back to someone once they speak to you like that. I
would love for him to speak to me in a more equal tone. This is a tone that emits feelings
about the other person as if they are equal to you, and are worthy of understanding. A
better way of talking to me would be, “I’d like to hear your thoughts about how stressful
the capstone paper must be, and then I can share with you my thoughts through my
personal experience.” Speaking with an equal tone, or with equality, shows the other
person that you are considerate even if you might have a differing opinion. It creates a
great communication climate.
The last pair of defensive behaviors and supportive behaviors is certainty and
provisionalism. People that use certainty in their language do not have any regard for
others. An example of certainty in a sentence is, “You will hate that professor!” A statement
like that tells the person that you personally hated that particular professor, so everyone
will hate him/her. People come from different backgrounds and appreciate different things;
therefore, who are you to tell others who they will and will not like as a professor? A much
better way to say that type of statement is by using a provisional statement. This is when
people already have an opinion about something, but acknowledge that other people may
be different; therefore they use words like might, maybe, and possibly. To restate the
sentence above using provisional language looks like this, “I hated that professor, but who
knows, he might be a good match with you.” That statement acknowledges that people are
different and like different things. It’s a much nicer way of coming off to someone, too. I
greatly appreciate when my boyfriend acknowledges my feelings about something
regardless of whether or not he agrees. He does a great job of showing me that even though
Glaze
7
we’re different, that doesn’t make one or the other wrong. I think that is key in creating a
positive communication climate within a relationship.
When it comes to communication within relationships, there is an important step to
get through in order to have a successful, positive, respectful, and effective relationship. I
believe each of the supportive behaviors listed in chapter ten, and within this paper are
important in creating that type of communication environment. I have learned a great deal
about the “do’s and don’ts” of couple talk throughout this semester, but I also have a great
deal of work ahead of me if I want to change the environment in which my boyfriend and I
communicate. With the help of the book and our class discussions, I have no doubt that I
will continue to change the way I communicate with others, as well. I have been lucky with
the fact that my boyfriend is a communications major, so for the most part, we
communicate pretty well. However, after taking this class, I believe everyone on this planet
that is in a relationship should take this class, too. Knowing how to properly and
respectfully communicate with people is an art that takes lots of time and practice.
Glaze
References
Adler, R. B., Rosenfeld, L. B., Proctor, R. F. (2013). Interplay: The Process of Interpersonal
Communication. New York, NY: Oxford University Press, Inc.
8
Glaze
9
Thought Diary
Event
Thoughts
Feelings
1) Didn’t shave the day I picked him
up from the airport after a week of
not seeing me and not shaving.
Doesn’t care about me
enough, too lazy.
Annoyed.
2) Buys and sells clubs more often than
saving money to go on dates.
Things are more important
to him than dates with me.
Invisible
3) Never opens the blinds or turns the
sound machine off if he’s the last one
to leave the room.
Doesn’t even think about
Inconsiderate
leaving the room decent for when
I return.
4) Forgot to get a present for my
grandparents when we stayed
with them for the weekend.
Doesn’t care enough to
Embarrassed
spend money for flowers
or dessert once he did remember.
5) Doesn’t refill the Brita when
he empties it.
He thinks because it’s not his,
Childish
he’s not responsible for refilling it.
Glaze
10
Clear Thinking Drill
1. After I read through all of the questions under the clear thinking drill exercise, I
realize that I jumped to a conclusion about the fact that he hadn’t shaved in a week
when I picked him up at the airport. I mentioned something too him about being
surprised that he wasn’t clean shaven for me after not seeing me for a while, and he
simply said, “ I know, I apologize. I completely forgot to pack my razer and shaving
cream. I’m shaving right when we get back.” I was then able to look past the fact that
his face was all hairy and that he didn’t mean for it to be.
2. At my first impression of how much he buys and sells clubs, I thought he was losing
more money than he was keeping. Therefore, I would always get frustrated with the
fact that he was constantly spending money on materialistic stuff, rather than on fun
things we could be doing together. After a while, I began to realize that he was
getting the same amount back, if not more than what he paid before, in his
transactions. Over time, I’ve come to realize that he loves buying and selling clubs,
and only that. He has only spent money on that, and nothing else that is considered
materialistic. Knowing this, it helps me to not get upset when he does this, and to
realize how much he does spend on “us” being able to do fun things together.
3. I honestly just think that this bothers me because they are things I notice and think
about. I don’t think he even thinks about the blinds and if they are opened or closed,
nor does he think about turning off the sound machine because that’s the way it was
when he found it. These are things that I want, and over time, I think he will start to
realize that if I care about these things, then he should make sure that they are done
so that I come to a room that is the way he knows I like it to be.
4. The more I think about his reasoning for not getting my grandparents a present
after he remembered he had forgotten to get one, is the fact that we were with two
other people and he didn’t want them to feel obligated to get something, too. He was
also not the one driving the car, so he would have to make someone drive him to get
something and use up their time. This is the only fair assessment I can give him for
forgetting and then remembering and still not getting a present for our host that
weekend. I didn’t want to say anything to him about it, because I didn’t want him to
feel like he was obligated to get a present either.
5. After thinking about this, I feel like the best conclusion to this distortion is
remembering the saying, “Pick your battles wisely.” Refilling the Brita or not
refilling the Brita is definitely something that does not require someone to get upset
about. I realize that I can be the bigger person by ignoring the fact, and then refilling
it myself. Some of the best things I can do is take things into my own hands, and not
worry about what someone did or did not do. In this case, that’s exactly what I had
to do.