Exercise 2.15: Reducing Defensiveness
When people interact over time, their behavior towards each other can give rise to
expectations regarding how interaction unfolds. The more consistent these expectations
become, the more the relationship between the people takes on a certain atmosphere.
Communication scholars call this atmosphere the climate of the relationship.
Communication scholar Jack Gibb argues that the climate of a relationship can vary
along a continuum of supportiveness and defensiveness. In a supportive climate, people
feel that others will not attack their sense of self. Consequently, they are free to express
their real feelings, thoughts, needs, or wants on a given matter. In a defensive climate,
people, people feel that others are a threat to their sense of self. If they express their true
feelings, thoughts, needs, or wants, then others will attack their self. In turn, people take
measures to protect themselves. Indeed, much of their energy and concern goes into
ensuring that their self is safe from the threat that others pose.
Gibb identifies six behaviors that foster a defensive climate over time:
1. Superiority. One expresses in words or actions that one is more important or
valuable than others.
2. Certainty. One expresses in words or deeds that she or he is unquestionably correct
and that there is little to no chance she or he could be wrong.
3. Evaluation. One addresses the other in a way that labels his or her behavior or
thoughts in judgmental and personally critical terms.
4. Neutrality. One expresses in words or deeds that one does not care about the other’s
welfare and happiness, that one is apathetic or unconcerned about the other.
5. Control. One approaches the other, when a problem arises, as an object to be
controlled or confined so the outcome that one desires can be attained.
6. Strategy. One approaches the other in a way that seeks to manipulate or play him or
her as a pawn in pursuit of one’s unspoken agenda.
Although these behaviors are different from each other, they share the common
characteristic of inspiring defensiveness in others. When one person in a relationship
resorts to any of these behaviors, the other person tends to feel that his or her sense of self
is threatened: one sees his or her self as less valuable, automatically incorrect, faulty,
unworthy of concern, unable to make effective decisions in the present matter, or a tool to
be manipulated. That the other person would want to assert his or her self in the face of
such treatment is not surprising. To prevent the other from becoming defensive, spouses
should work together to avoid these behaviors as they interact.
Identifying the Six Behaviors
Michael is talking with his wife Jessica about whether they should enroll their son Peter
in the nearby Montessori school for kindergarten or whether Peter should go to public
school. Jessica says, “I think Montessori school is a good idea. It’s a full day rather than
half-day as it is at the public school. Besides, I like the Montessori approach to
education…”
Read each of the following statements. Identify which of the six behaviors it illustrates.
Explain your reasoning for each answer, as the same statement could illustrate more than
one of the six defensive behaviors.
1. Michael sighs with obvious irritation, “C’mon Jess. Everyone knows that Montessori
kids don’t learn how to follow instructions. They get used to directing themselves
and when they have to take orders and do something they don’t want to do, they don’t
know how to do it. If Peter goes to the Montessori school, then he’s doing to have a
hard time adapting when he switches to the public school for first grade.”
2. Jessica glares, “You don’t have to be so bull-headed about it, Michael. Have you ever
considered that you might not know all there is to know about the Montessori
approach to education?”
3. Michael looks away, yawns, and switches the television to his favorite sports station.
“You know, I’m missing the game tonight. I’d much rather talk about how the
Cowboys are doing.”
4. Jessica glares at Michael. “Fine, since you care more about the game than about your
son’s education, you won’t mind knowing that I already enrolled him in the
Montessori school and paid both the deposit and the first month’s tuition.” Michael
immediately shuts off the TV and stares at Jessica in shock, “You did what?”
5. Jessica says flatly, “You’re not interested in talking about Peter’s education, so what
do you care.” Michael face turns bright red as he attempts to keep a calm voice,
“That’s not fair, Jess…”
6. Jessica continues with her earlier statement about the advantages of sending Peter the
Montessori school. Michael eventually responds, “Of course, it makes sense that you
want to send him to Montessori, but you’re not paying for it. I am. It’s easy for you
to say when you’re here at home every day, but when you’re busting your butt for 50
hours a week as I’ve been lately at the office, paying the several hundred dollars per
month that his tuition would require is not the first thing that I want to do with your
paycheck. I’ll be the one paying for it, right?”
Creating Defensive Responses
Melanie is talking with her husband Chuck about what she would like for her birthday.
Give an example of something that Melanie or Chuck could say in the present
conversation for each of the six defensive behaviors.
Superiority:
Certainty:
Evaluation:
Neutrality:
Control:
Strategy:
Exercise 2.16: Creating a Supportive Climate
If spouses reduce how often they use the six defensive behaviors in their interactions,
then they can prevent the likelihood that either of them will feel that the other person is a
threat to his or her sense of self. However, reducing the use of these behaviors alone
does not create a supportive climate. To create a supportive climate, spouses must adopt
new behaviors, ones that foster trust that the other person will protect and uphold each
spouse’s sense of self. If spouses do so, then over time, a new pattern can form, in which
have faith that the other will respond with respect and concern. Spouses accordingly feel
able to express their true thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants.
Jack Gibb identifies six behaviors that foster a supportive climate. Each corrects for one
of the six defensive behaviors in Exercise 2.6:
Supportive
Behavior
How to Do It
Talk and act in ways that treat people fairly and
Equality
equally; don’t interact with them as if they are not
an essential part of the process.
When you give your view on a matter, express it
Provisionalism
as but one perspective, not the infallible truth;
don’t act as if you can’t be wrong.
Talk about your feelings and explain to others
how their behavior affects you when such
Description
behavior causes a problem for you; don’t label
them or their behaviors with judgmental terms.
Show others that you are concerned about them;
Empathy
don’t act like you don’t care about what they are
doing, how they feel, or what happens to them.
When problems arise, don’t try to manipulate or
control others to get them to do what you think is
Problem Orientation
best. Seek a solution with them, so they can offer
their views and give their contributions.
Avoid interacting with others to achieve goals or
purposes that you have not shared with them.
Spontaneity
Keep your personal agenda out on the table, so
others don’t feel manipulated or played.
Defensive Behavior
that It Corrects
Superiority
Certainty
Evaluation
Neutrality
Control
Strategy
Consider the following statements. Identify which of the supportive behaviors each
statement most directly illustrates:
______
“In my view, taking a cruise certainly could help us to put a little bit of fun into
our lives. However, it seems to me that we should look at our budget for the
whole year, not just the next few months before we decide.”
______
“I feel upset after overhearing that you were telling your friends what I told
you in confidence.”
______
“I have my own ideas about what needs to be done, but let’s see if we can find
a solution together. In the end, we both are affected by what is done.”
______
“Let me be straight up with you about what I would like to see happen. I don’t
want there to be any guesswork on your part about what I want and need.”
______
“I can’t believe that happened to you. I’m so sorry that you’ve had so many
difficulties at work this month.”
______
“Your viewpoint on this matter is as important as what I think about it.”
Creating Supportive Behaviors
Return to the example from Exercise 2.15. Melanie is talking with her husband Chuck
about what she would like for her birthday. Give an example of statements that Melanie
and Chuck could say over the course of their conversation that illustrate each of the six
supportive behaviors.
Equality:
Provisionalism:
Description:
Empathy:
Problem Orientation:
Spontaneity:
Exercise 2.17: Confirmation, Rejection, and Disconfirmation
How one responds to others can impact the degree to which unity can develop.
Psychologist Carl Rogers suggests that the views that people express in interaction with
others are often interwoven with their understanding of who they are: their selves.
Accordingly, when others respond to what people say and do, they are not responding
merely to people’s positions on the topic in question; they are responding also to those
people’s self-concepts. A negative response to what one has said or done can be
threatening, even if one is trying to remain detached and objective.
According to Rogers, there are three basic ways whereby people can respond to the self
that another has expressed in interaction:
 Confirmation. When one confirms another, one endorses the self-understanding
that the other has expressed.
For instance, Lou is talking with Barb about a leak at the base of their toilet. Lou
says, “I can try to fix it on my own. I’ve never done this repair before, but I’m
pretty handy with fixing most things that break in the house. I’m sure that I can
figure it out.” Barb nods her head and says, “That’s true. You are pretty handy
around here. You can probably figure this out without too much trouble.” Barb
confirms Lou because she agrees with the self that he has expressed.
 Rejection. When one rejects the other, one disagrees with the self-understanding
that the other has expressed.
In the same example, Barb would reject Lou’s self-understanding if she were to
respond to his statement about being handy with disagreement: “I don’t know,
Lou. I’d call your brother Jake to come over here. He’s done a lot of plumbing
over the years. It might be safer for him to do the repair.” Lou is claiming to be
handy and able to fix the toilet, but Barb responds with doubt and a suggestion that
the couple rely on someone else. In doing so, she rejects the self he has expressed.
 Disconfirmation. When one disconfirms another, one denies the self of the other
person altogether. One does not treat the other as a self, but rather as an object or
thing, if one acknowledges the other person at all.
Barb would disconfirm Lou if when Lou made his statement about being handy
and able to fix the toilet, Barb were to ignore him altogether and to focus her
attention on something else, despite his obvious attempt to communicate with her.
Read each of the following scenarios. Decide whether the person is responding in a way
that confirms, rejects, or disconfirms the other. Explain your answer.
1. Joanne is sitting at the kitchen table. Her husband Paul comes into the room and
starts rummaging through one of the drawers in a nearby cabinet. Joanne says,
“Hi, Honey. I’m looking for the onion soup mix. I’m going to make a pot roast
for us tonight.” Paul exclaims, “That sounds good. I love your pot roast.”
2. As Mary comes into the living room, John is sitting on the couch. As Mary sits
down on the chair nearby, the two talk about a movie on the television. “I like this
movie,” John gleams. Mary comments dryly, “Oh I hate that movie. I don’t like
how the story ends.”
3. Pedro is talking with his wife Monica. Monica is talking about how their toddler
Juan was walking again last night. Pedro yawns, “Did you pay the electric bill
yesterday?”
4. Jonas is sitting in his favorite chair and reading a magazine. His wife Samantha
comes into the room and asks him about their plans for the weekend. Jonas says
something under his breath and keeps reading his magazine. Samantha asks her
question again. This time, Jonas looks up and glares at her, “Don’t you see that
I’m in the middle of something?”
Answer these questions:
1. How are rejection and disconfirmation different?
2. How is disconfirmation destructive to a relationship?
3. What are some common ways whereby people disconfirm others?
1. In Bahá’í World Faith, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá asserts:
“It is my hope that the friends and the maid-servants of America become united on
all subjects and not disagree at all. If they agree upon a subject, even though it be
wrong, it is better than to disagree and be in the right, for this difference will
produce the demolition of the divine foundation. Though one of the parties may be
in the right and they disagree that will be the cause of a thousand wrongs, but if
they agree and both parties are in the wrong, as it is in unity the truth will be
revealed and the wrong made right.”
What does this passage suggest about rejection in a relationship?
2. How might rejection be detrimental to the unity between spouses?
Exercise 2.18: Providing for Each Other’s Needs
Bahá’u’lláh describes marriage as “a fortress of well-being” and “an assistance” unto
ourselves. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, moreover, urges people to assist each other with the kindness
that God shows to all of His creatures:
If you meet a poor man, assist him; if you see the sick, heal him; reassure the
affrighted one, render the cowardly noble and courageous, educate the ignorant,
associate with the stranger. Emulate God. Consider how kindly, how lovingly He
deals with all and follow His example. You must treat people in accordance with the
divine precepts; in other words, treat them as kindly as God treats them, for this is the
greatest attainment possible for the world of humanity.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Foundations of World Unity, p. 73)
By helping each other to attain what they need in the relationship, spouses foster unity
between themselves.
William Schutz: Three Basic Interpersonal Needs
Communication scholar William Schutz explains that all human beings have three basic
needs that cannot be fulfilled except through one’s relationships with others.
1. Need for inclusion: A person’s need to interact with others. One’s need for
inclusion refers to the amount and frequency of interaction. What happens in the
interaction, including its content and quality, are not concerns that pertain directly
to this need.
2. Need for affection: A person’s need for warmth, supportiveness, friendliness,
and recognition to be communicated to him or her when he or she is interacting
with others. One’s need for affection relates to the content of communication, not
its raw frequency or amount.
3. Need for control: A person’s need to be in charge of her or his circumstances and
choices. One’s need for control does not necessary involve a need to control other
people. It refers principally to one’s needing to have some say over what happens
in one’s own life. However, because others’ actions often do have consequences
in our lives, need for control can become interwoven with a perception that others
need to be organized in certain ways.
Every human being has these needs, yet people differ in terms of how much inclusion,
affection, or control they require. One spouse, for instance, might have a very high need
for inclusion, while the other has a low need for interaction with others.
What both spouses must remember is that these are indeed needs. People require
them to maintain a sense of well-being, health, and wholeness in their relationships with
others. If people deny the particular needs that they have, then they are likely to feel
compromised in their daily lives relative to others. They are likely to feel “incomplete,”
“off-balance,” “unhappy,” or some other sense of deprivation in their relationships. In
extreme cases, they could experience antipathy towards the other person, seek other
dysfunctional outlets for their needs, or even suffer psychological damage.
Using one color of pen or pencil, mark where you tend to fall on each continuum.
Low <-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> High
Need for Inclusion
Low <-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> High
Need for Affection
Low <-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------> High
Need for Control
Now, using a different color, mark where your spouse or some other close relational
partner of yours, such as a friend, parent, or child tends to fall.
Answer these questions:
1. In which of these needs are you and your spouse most similar?
2. In which of the three needs are you and your spouse most different?
3. List some activities, experiences, or conditions that help you satisfy your need for…
Affection?
Inclusion?
Control?
4. Learn what activities, experiences, or conditions help your spouse to satisfy his or her
need for…
Affection?
Inclusion?
Control?
5. Pick one of your spouse’s needs. Consult about how you together can ensure that she
or he meets that need. Use what you’ve learned from Question 4 to help you.
6. Pick one of your needs. Consult with your spouse about how you together can ensure
that you meet that need. Use what you’ve shared in Question 3 to help you.
Exercise 2.19: Managing Dialectical Tensions
Communication scholar Leslie Baxter suggests that intimate relationships such as
marriage have certain demands built into them. Many of these demands are
contradictory, inasmuch as they pull the relationship in different directions. Even so,
neither one of the demands can be fully eliminated. Otherwise, the relationship as a
whole would not survive. Baxter calls these opposing pressures in a relationship
dialectical tensions. From her standpoint, relationships unfold in a push-pull sort of
manner through which the two partners must decide how they will manage the
contradictory but necessary imperatives that tug continuously at them.
Baxter identifies six dialectical tensions that are common to human relationships in
general. Three of the tensions concern the dynamics between the two partners:

Connectedness vs. Separateness: The degree to which the members of the
relationship interact with each other

Certainty vs. Uncertainty: The degree of spontaneity, nonroutine, and
unpredictability in the relationship

Openness vs. Closedness: The amount of disclosure that occurs between the
members of the relationship, in regard to their feelings, experiences, perspectives,
ideas, and knowledge
The three other tensions concern the relationship between the partners as a distinct couple
and others outside their relationship:

Inclusion vs. Seclusion: The degree to which the couple interacts with others
outside their relationship

Conventionality vs. Uniqueness: The degree to which the couple as a pair
adheres to the social norms and expectations of the culture surrounding them, of
which they are understood to be a part

Revelation vs. Concealment: The amount of information that the couple allows
people outside the relationship to know about what happens in the relationship
Many problems arise in marriage because the spouses are having difficulty managing the
tensions between the two poles of a given dialectic. For each of the scenarios, identify
which dialectical tension the couple is having difficulty in managing.
1. Frank and Kelly are talking over plans for the upcoming weekend. Frank tells Kelly
that a group of their friends is having a couples night-out, beginning with dinner at
one of their favorite restaurants and then continuing with a movie at a local theater.
Kelly sighs, “I don’t really want to go anywhere this weekend. I’ve been looking
forward to spending some time together on our own.” Frank looks disappointed and
tells her how much he’s been wanting to see some of these friends lately.
2. Leslie and Jamal just finished putting the kids to bed after Leslie gave them a bath and
put on their pajamas. The two finally have a few moments to themselves. Jamal sits
in his favorite chair in the living room and turns on the television show that they
typically watch on Thursday nights. As Leslie sits down next to him, she asks him if
he wants to try something different for a change. Jamal looks confused. “What do
you mean?” he questions. “Well, it’s just that we do this same thing pretty much
every night,” Leslie responds. “You get home from work. We have dinner. I give
the kids a bath. We put them to bed. Then we watch TV until we get tired. I’d like
to do something different – that’s all.” Jamal turns back towards the TV. “Honey,
I’m really tired. I don’t know how much energy I have for doing something outside
our normal routine,” he exclaims.
3. Ruth and Abe are driving in the car on the long seven-hour trip to see Abe’s parents.
Though the two began the trip with some talk about household concerns and
upcoming events in their schedule, after about 30 minutes, the two seem to have little
to say. Ruth eventually pops her iPod into the stereo and puts on some of her favorite
music. She happily sings along to herself as Abe drives for a couple of hours. After a
break in the music, Ruth asks Abe what he’d like her to play. Abe responds, “How
about we talk a little bit? It’s a perfect opportunity for us to talk, especially as we
never seem to get time to do so anymore, since we had kids.” Ruth seems evasive.
“What do you want to talk about?” she asks. “I don’t know. Anything really,” Abe
says. Ruth says nothing for a moment or two. “I can’t really think of anything. What
do you want to talk about?” she says at last. “I don’t know,” Abe sighs. “I guess I
just wanted to talk. We don’t seem to do it that often anymore.”
4. Ernesto and Ally are having dinner at one of their favorite restaurants, after asking
Ally’s mom to watch their kids for the night. At first, the two talk about the normal
range of topics: work, kids, money, schedule, and family issues. However,
eventually, they reach a lull in the conversation. Ally eventually looks up and asks
Ernesto about how he felt the other day when his mom was complaining about how
their kids were behaving. “Ah, I try not to think too much about it,” he dismisses the
issue and flashes a quick smile. “How’s your food?” “It’s fine,” she replies, “But I
really want to know.” “I don’t know, Dear. It’s just my mom. I wouldn’t worry
about it too much. Besides, do you really want to talk about that stuff now?” “Not
particularly,” she says, “Though we don’t usually get to talk, especially about how we
feel inside about some of the stuff that goes on in our lives. I’d really like it if you
told me a little more about what you’re feeling from one day to the next, rather than
just focus on what needs to be done each day.” Ernesto seems uncomfortable,
“Truthfully, Ally, I don’t really know how much how I feel about things matters. I’d
just assume not talk about it, unless I absolutely need to.”
Dialectical Tensions in Your Relationship
Reflect on your relationship with your spouse – or if you are not married, someone close
to you. Give an example of a difficulty that you and your spouse have experienced in
regard to each dialectical tension.
 Connectedness vs. Separateness:
 Certainty vs. Uncertainty:
 Openness vs. Closedness:
 Inclusion vs. Seclusion:
 Conventionality vs. Uniqueness:
 Revelation vs. Concealment:
With which dialectic(s) do you experience the most difficulty? Consult with your spouse
about how you as a couple might better manage the opposing tensions of that dialectic, in
a way that allows both of you to remain unified with each other.
Exercise 2.20: Expressing Gratitude
Acknowledging the positive actions that our spouse undertakes is a powerful way of
building unity in the marriage. In Foundations of World Unity, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá identifies
expressing one’s gratitude as an integral component of “accomplishing fellowship” and
“cementing the bond of brotherhood between people.” Such expressions can take the
form of a simple “thank you.” However, if we wish the other person to understand the
effect that his or her behavior has had upon us and what it means to us, then we need to
go beyond this brief mention of thanks.
Here is a three-step method for giving praise in this latter, more robust manner:

Step 1: Describe the other person’s behavior
Clearly identify for the other person the positive behavior that you see.

Step 2: Describe how you feel in regard to that behavior.
Help him or her to see how their behavior has affected you.

Step 3: Explain the significance or implication of that behavior for your relationship.
Help the other to see the wider consequences or meaning of his or her behavior.
Put together, it looks like this:
“Jen, yesterday, you didn’t give me a hard time when I wrote a check on the main
account that caused an overdraft. I was relieved that even though the damage to our
account had been done, we didn’t end up in an argument. Your patience with me helped
me not to get defensive, when I know that I’ve been that way in the past.”
Think of a behavior that your spouse has done that somehow has made your life better.
Using this three step method, create a response that you could use in expressing your
gratitude to him or her. Write your response as though you are talking to him or her.
1. Describe the other’s behavior:
2. Describe your feelings regarding the behavior:
3. Explain the significance or implication of the behavior for your relationship: