Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.
- Helen Keller
Boundin’ video
All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.
- Helen Keller
Suffering
 External stressors
 Internal stressors
 Stress response
 Resilience – cope and bounce back
 Survival responses
 Fight-flight-freeze-appease
 Shut down, numb out, collapse
Resilience
 Hardiness
 Coping
 Flexibility
Hardiness
 Capacities of determination and grit
 Capacities to last, to endure
 Capacities to persevere, to follow through
Flexibility
Adaptability, capacity to shift gears
It is not the strongest of the species that
survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one
that is the most adaptive to change.
- Charles Darwin
Coping
 Face and deal with disappointments,
difficulties, even disasters
 Bounce back from troubles, from adversity,
from the unexpected, from the truly awful
Resilience
 Deal with challenges and crises
 Bounce back from adversity
 Recover our balance and equilibrium
 Find refuges and maximize resources
 Cope skillfully, flexibly, adaptively
 Shift perspectives, open to possibilities, create
options, find meaning and purpose
6 C’s of Coping
 Calm
 Compassion
 Clarity
 Connections to Resources
 Competence
 Courage
Calm
 Manage disruptive emotions
 Tolerate distress
 Down-regulate stress to return to baseline
equilibrium
Compassion
 Respond to pain and suffering with open
heart, interested mind, willingness to help
 Care, concern for problems and blocks that derail resilience
 Empathy, compassion for feelings and suffering
of self, others
 Skillful behaviors in response to difficulties and
differences
Clarity
 Focused attention on present moment
experience
 Improves cognitive functioning
 Self-awareness, self-reflection
 Shifting perspectives
 Discerning options
 Choose wise actions
Connections to Resources
 People, Places Practices
 Counter-balance brain’s negativity bias
 Strengthen inner secure base
 Access resources
Competence
 Empowerment and mastery from changing old
coping strategies, learning new ones
 Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do
this.”
Courage
 Using signal anxiety as cue to:
 Try something new
 Take risks
 Move resilience beyond personal self
Evolution of Human Brain
 Reptilian – brainstem
 Mammalian – limbic
 Human - cortex
Avoid
 Brainstem – assess safety-danger
 Limbic – automatic survival responses
 Fight-flight-freeze
 Shut down, numb out, collapse
 Cortex – strategies for withdrawal, limits and
boundaries, defenses
Approach
 Brainstem – seek pleasure/reward
 Limbic – seek protection and comfort
 Cortex – seek empathy, understanding,
validation; conscious reflection, choices
Attach
 Brainstem – social engagement system
 Limbic – fear-attachment-exploration motivational
system; emotional valence of experience
 Cortex – regulate emotions; “rules” of relationship,
social-emotional intelligence
 Attachment kindles maturation of pre-frontal cortex
Attachment Styles - Secure
 Parenting is attuned, empathic, responsive,
comforting, soothing, helpful
 Attachment develops safety and trust, and
inner secure base
 Stable and flexible focus and functioning
 Open to learning
 inner secure base provides buffer against
stress, trauma, and psychopathology
Insecure-Avoidant
 Parenting is indifferent, neglectful, or critical,
rejecting
 Attachment is avoidant of people and
emotions, withdrawn, compulsively self-reliant
 Stable, but not flexible
 Focus on self or world, not others or emotions
 Rigid, defensive, not open to learning
 Neural cement
Insecure-Anxious
 Parenting is inconsistent, unpredictable
 Attachment is clingy, needy, compulsive
caregiving
 Flexible, but not stable
 Focus on other, not on self-world,
 Less able to retain learning
 Neural swamp
Disorganized
 Parenting is frightening or abusive, or parent is
“checked out,” not “there”
 Attachment is paralysis, fright without solution
 Lack of focus
 Moments of dissociation
 Compartmentalization of trauma
Pre-Frontal Cortex
 Executive center of higher brain
 Evolved most recently – makes us human
 Development kindled in relationships
 Matures the latest – 25 years of age
 Most integrative structure of brain
 Evolutionary masterpiece
 CEO of resilience
Functions of Pre-Frontal Cortex
 Regulate body and nervous system
 Quell fear response of amygdala
 Manage emotions
 Attunement – felt sense of feelings
 Empathy – making sense of expereince
 Insight and self-knowing
 Response flexibility
Evolutionary legacy
Genetic templates
Family of origin conditioning
Norms-expectations of culture-society
Who we are and how we cope….
…is not our fault.
- Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
 Given neuroplasticity
 And choices of self-directed neuroplasticity
 Who we are and how we cope…
 …is our responsibility

- Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
Modern Brain Science
The field of neuroscience is so new,
we must be comfortable not only
venturing into the unknown
but into error.
- Richard Mendius, M.D.
Neuroscience of Resilience
 Neuroscience technology is 20 years old
 Meditation improves attention and impulse
control; shifts mood and perspective; promotes
health
 Oxytocin can calm a panic attack in less than a
minute
 Kindness and comfort, early on, protects against
later stress, trauma, psychopathology
Neuroplasticity
 Greatest discovery of modern neuroscience
 Growing new neurons
 Strengthening synaptic connections
 Myelinating pathways – faster processing
 Creating and altering brain structure and circuitry
 Organizing and re-organizing functions of brain
structures
 The brain changes itself - lifelong
The brain is shaped by experience. And because
we have a choice about what experiences we
want to use to shape our brain, we have a
responsibility to choose the experiences that
will shape the brain toward the wise and the
wholesome.
- Richard J. Davidson, PhD
Mechanisms of Brain Change
 Conditioning
 New Conditioning
 Re-Conditioning
 De-Conditioning
Conditioning
 Experience causes neurons to fire
 Repeated experiences, repeated neural firings
 Neurons that fire together wire together
 Strengthen synaptic connections
 Connections stabilize into neural pathways
 Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and
negative
New Conditioning
 Choose new experiences
 Gratitude practice, listening skills, focusing
attention, self-compassion, self-acceptance
 Create new learning, new memory
 Encode new wiring
 Install new pattern of response
Re-conditioning
 Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation
 “Light up” neural networks
 Juxtapose old negative with new positive
 Neurons fall apart, rewire
 New rewires old
Modes of Processing
 Focused
 Tasks and details
 New conditioning and re-conditioning
 De-focused
 Default network
 Mental play space
 De-conditioning
De-Conditioning
 Default network
 De-focusing, loosens grip
 Creates mental play space
 Can open to worry, rumination
 Can open to plane of open possibilities
 Brain makes new links, associations
 New insights, new behaviors
Practices to Accelerate Brain Change
 Presence – primes receptivity of brain
 Intention/choice – activates plasticity
 Perseverance – creates and installs change
Kindness is more important than wisdom,
And the recognition of that is the beginning of
wisdom.
- Theodore Rubin
Neuroscience of Empathy
 Emotional communication is 93% non-verbal
 Social engagement system
 Dyadic regulation
 Fusiform gyrus regulates amygdala
 Vagal brake
 Restores equilibrium
Mindfulness and Compassion
Awareness of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Acceptance of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Attention circuit and resonance circuit
Two most powerful agents of brain change known to
science; both foster response flexibility
Integration
 Reflection
 See clearly
 Resonance
 Embrace wholeheartedly
 May I meet this moment fully;
 May I meet it as a friend.
Conditioning
Neurons that fire together wire together.
- Donald Hebb
Conditioning
 Brainstem: No! Yes.
 Limbic: The roots of resilience are to be found
in the felt sense of being held in the mind and
heart of an empathic, attuned, and selfpossessed other. - Diana Fosha, PhD
 Cortex: Attachment patterns of response
Intelligences
 Somatic - body-based, rewire trauma
 Emotional - from survival responses to thriving
 Relational - heal heartache, access havens and
resources, navigate peopled world
 Reflective – conscious awareness; catch the
moment, make a choice
New Conditioning
 Strengthen pre-frontal cortex
 Brain more resilient
 Brain more receptive
 We are more resilient
Cues to Practice - ANTS to PATS
 Identify habitual negative pattern of response
 Identify new, positive response to counter/replace
 Identify cue word or phrase to name negative and
positive
 Criticism - Compassion
 Use cue to break automaticity and change the
channel
 Repeat the practice as many times as necessary
Re-conditioning
 Resource with memory of someone’s compassion
toward you
 Evoke compassion for your self
 Evoke memory of someone being critical of you
(or inner critic)
 Hold awareness of criticizing moment and
compassionate moment in dual awareness
 Drop the criticizing moment; rest in the
compassionate moment
Wished for Outcome
 Evoke memory of what did happen
 Imagine new behaviors, new players, new
resolution
 Hold new outcome in awareness,
strengthening and refreshing
 Notice shift in perspective of experience, of
self
De-Conditioning
 Imagination
 Guided visualizations
 Guided meditations
 Reverie, daydreams
 Brain “plays,” makes own associations and
links, connect dots in new ways
 Reflect on new insights
Wiser Self
 Imagine being in your safe place
 Imagine meeting your Wiser Self who embodies
all of your best qualities and strengths
 Ask your Wiser Self
 How did you come to be wise, happy, content?
 What did you have to overcome?
 Listen to words of advice for your journey
 Receive object to remember Wiser Self by
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Somatic Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Calm
 Manage disruptive emotions
 Tolerate distress
 Down-regulate stress to return to baseline
equilibrium
Keep Calm and Carry On
Serenity is not freedom from the storm
but peace amidst the storm.
- author unknown
Window of Tolerance
 SNS – explore, play, create, produce…. OR
Fight-flight-freeze





Baseline physiological equilibrium
Calm and relaxed, engaged and alert
WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
Relational and resilient
Equanimity
 PNS – inner peace, serenity…. OR
Numb out, collapse
Hand on the Heart
 Touch – oxytocin – safety and trust
 Deep breathing – parasympathetic
 Breathing ease into heart center
 Brakes on survival responses
 Coherent heart rate
 Being loved and cherished
 Oxytocin – direct and immediate antidote to
stress hormone cortisol
Oxytocin
 Hormone of safety and trust, bonding and
belonging, calm and connect
 Brain’s direct and immediate antidote to stress
hormone cortisol
 Can pre-empt stress response altogether
 A single exposure to oxytocin can create a lifelong
change in the brain. – Sue Carter, PhD
Touch
 Hand on heart, hand on cheek
 Head rubs, foot rubs
 Massage back of neck
 Hold thumb as “inner child”
 Hugs – 20 second full bodied
Calm through the Body
 Hand on the Heart
 Body Scan
 Progressive Muscle Relaxation
 Movement Opposite
Calm – Friendly Body Scan
 Awareness
 Breathing gently into tension
 Hello! and gratitude
 Release tension, reduce trauma
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
 Body cannot be tense and relaxed at the
same time
 Tense for 7 seconds, relax for 15
 Focused attention calms the mind
Calm through Movement
 Body inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40
seconds
 Body moves into opposite posture (40 seconds)
 Body returns to first posture (20 seconds)
 Body returns to second posture (20 seconds)
 Body finds posture in the middle (30 seconds
 Reflect on experience
 “Power posing” – Amy Cuddy TED talk
Compassion
 Respond to pain and suffering with open
heart, interested mind, willingness to help
 Mindful Self-Compassion:
 Keep heart open and mind engaged when dealing
with difficult events and difficult emotions that
arise is response to events
 Practice not to feel better but because we feel
bad
Self-Compassion
 Threat-protection system
 Cortisol driven
 Pleasure-reward system
 Dopamine driven
 Caregiving-soothing-comfort system
 Oxytocin driven
 Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
Self-Compassion
 Powerful and immediate antidote to self-criticism, self-
loathing
 More effective in restoring well-being than self-esteem
 Practice not to feel better but because we feel bad
 Treat ourselves with care and understanding rather
than harsh judgment
 Putting own oxygen mask on first when other people
are not around
 Compassion leads to calm leads to clarity
 Emotional support needed for change and growth
Self-Compassion - Research
 Normalize vulnerability as part of human
condition
 Not weak or selfish; powerful motivator out of
care and wishes for well-being
 Less anxiety, depression, stress, rumination,
shame, fear of failure
 Greater responsibility for past mistakes
 More self-confidence and resilience
Compassion for Others - Self
 Remember moment of receiving compassion and
care from another
 Remember moment of offering compassion and
care to another
 Evoke felt sense of sending/receiving compassion
in your body
 When flow of compassion – open heart - is
steady…
 Place yourself in flow of compassion, care,
concern; send compassion to your self
Self-Compassion Break
 Notice-recognize: this is a moment of suffering
 Ouch! This hurts! This is hard!
 Pause, breathe, hand on heart or cheek
 Oh sweetheart!
 Self-empathy
 I care about my own suffering, me as experiencer
 Drop into calm; hold moment with awareness;
breathe in compassion and care
 May I meet this moment fully; may I meet it as a
friend
Self-Compassion Break, cont.
 My pain is the pain; I’m not the only one
 Kindness to self: May I be safe; May I be peaceful;
May I be free of fear; May I be free of shame; May
I accept myself just as I am; May I know this, too,
will pass; May I know I can be skillful here
 Choose wisely: re-direct, shift the channel;
practice gratitude, metta; share pain with caring
other; notice coping and easing of suffering
One for Me; One for You
 Breathing in, “nourishing, nourishing”
 Breathing out, “soothing, soothing”
 In imagination, “nourishing for me, nourishing
for you, soothing for me, soothing for you”
 “One for me, one for you”
 Practice breathing “one for me, one for you”
when in conversation with someone
Courage
Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone.
Otherwise, it would be called sure thingtaking
- Tim McMahon
Do One Scary Thing a Day
 Venture into New or Unknown
 Somatic marker of “Uh, oh”
 Dopamine disrupted
 Cross threshold into new
 Satisfaction, mastery
 Dopamine restored
Human Brain:
Evolutionary Masterpiece
 100 billion neurons
 Each neuron contains the entire human genome
 Neurons “fire” hundreds of time per second
 Neurons connect to 5,000-7,000 other neurons
 Trillions of synaptic connections
 As many connections in single cubic centimeter of
brain tissue as stars in Milky Way galaxy
Practices as Resources
 Yoga, meditation, tai chi, chi gong
 Sleep
 Nutrition
 Movement-Exercise
 Laughter
 Learn Something New
 Hanging Out with Healthy Brains
Sleep
 Housekeeping
 Reset nervous system
 Consolidate learning
 Take mental breaks
Take Mental Breaks
 Focus on something else (positive is good)
 Talk to someone else (resonant is good)
 Move-walk somewhere else (nature is good)
 Every 90 minutes; avoid adrenal fatigue
Nutrition
 Less Caffeine
 Less Sugar
 More Protein
 More Water
Movement - Exercise
 Oxygen – brain is 2% of body weight, uses 20%
of body’s oxygen
 Endorphins – feel good hormones, brighten
the mind
 Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF) grow new brain cells, will migrate to where
needed
Laughter
 Increases oxygen and blood flow, reduces risk of
heart disease and stroke
 Releases endorphins – body’s natural pain killer
 Reduces stress hormone cortisol, lowers blood
pressure
 Triggers catecholamines, heightens alertness in
brain
 Releases tension in body, balances nervous
system
Laughter
 Promotes work productivity
 Reduces stress
 Promotes creativity and problem-solving
 Reduces mistakes, increases efficiency
Promotes group cohesion
 Promotes learning (through play)
 Eases loss, grief, trauma
Laughter Yoga
 Let yourself laugh for 5-15 minutes,
 Gently at first, then relaxing into a deep belly
laugh
 Happy baby pose (dead bug pose)
 Lying on the floor with your head in someone
else’s lap; someone else’s head in your lap
Learn Something New
 Speak a foreign language
 Play a musical instrument
 Juggle
 Play chess
 Crossword puzzles when you don’t know the
words
Hanging Out with Healthy Brains
 Brain is social organ; matures and learns best
in interactions with other brains
 Social engagement regulates nervous system
 Resonant interactions prime the brain’s
neuroplasticity; promotes learning and growth
Connections to Resources
 People
 Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart
 Places
 …I rest in the grace of the world…. – Berry
 Practices
 As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an
archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood,
the wise shape their lives. - Buddha
The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
- Wendell Berry
One summer night, out on a flat headland, all but surrounded by the
waters of the bay, the horizons were remote and distant rims on the
edge of space. Millions of stars blazed in darkness, and on the far
shore a few lights burned in cottages. Otherwise there was no
reminder of human life. My companion and I were alone with the
stars: the misty river of the Milky Way flowing across the sky, the
patterns of the constellations standing out bright and clear, a blazing
planet low on the horizon. It occurred to me that if this were a sight
that could be seen only once in a century, this little headland would
be thronged with spectators. But it can be seen many scores of
night in any year, and so the lights burned in the cottages and the
inhabitants probably gave not a thought to the beauty overhead;
and because they could see it almost any night, perhaps they never
will.
- Rachel Carson
Shifting Perspectives in Nature
 BELLY BOTANY
 Select a one square foot patch of earth.
Observe patch from two feet away/above
for two minutes.
 (light and shadow, movement and stillness,
beauty and decay, life and death)
 Shift your view to the larger landscape, all the
way to the horizon.
 Reflect on shift in perspective.
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Emotional Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Emotions
 Signals to take action
 Adaptive action tendencies
 Anger – protest injustice, betrayal
 Sadness – pull in comfort
 Fear – move away from danger, toxicity
 Guilt – healthy remorse, make amends
 Joy – expand, connect with others
The Guest House - Rumi
This being human is a guest-house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness come
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you
out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
- Rumi
The curious paradox is that when I accept
myself just as I am, then I can change.
- Carl Rogers
Positive Emotions-Behaviors
 Brain hard-wired to notice and remember
negative and intense more than positive and
subtle; how we survive as individuals and as a
species
 Leads to tendency to avoid experience
 Positive emotions activate “left shift,” brain is
more open to approaching experience,
learning, and action
Positive Emotions
Gratitude
Awe
Generosity
Compassion
Delight
Serenity
Love
Curiosity
Kindness
Joy
Trust
Positive Emotions
 Less stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness
 More friendships, social support, collaboration
 Shift in perspectives, more optimism
 More creativity, productivity
 Better health, better sleep
 Live on average 7-9 years longer
 Resilience is direct outcome
Left shift
 Positive emotions cause more neural firing in
left hemisphere of brain
 Left hemisphere more oriented to approach
stance toward experience, openness to
learning
 Openness to learning, flexibility, options =
resilience
A hundred times every day, I remind myself that
my inner and outer life depend on the labors of
other people, and that I must exert myself in
order to give in the same measure as I have
received and am still receiving.
- Albert Einstein
Gratitude
 2-minute free write
 Gratitude journal
 Gratitude buddy
 Carry love and appreciation in your wallet
Take in the Good
 Notice: in the moment or in memory
 Enrich: the intensity, duration, novelty,
personal relevance, multi-modality
 Absorb: savor 10-20-30 seconds, felt sense in
body
Circle of Support
 Call to mind people who have been supportive
of you; who have “had your back”
 Currently, in the past, in imagination
 Imagine them gathered around you, or behind
you, lending you their faith in you, and their
strengths in coping
 Imagine your circle of support present with
you as you face difficult people or situations
Positivity Portfolio
 Ask 10 friends to send cards or e-mails
expressing appreciation of you
 Assemble phrases on piece of paper
 Tape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor,
carry in wallet or purse
 Read phrases 3 times a day for 30 days
 Savor and appreciate
Connections to Resources
 People
 Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart
 Places
 …I rest in the grace of the world…. – Berry
 Practices
 As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an
archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood,
the wise shape their lives. - Buddha
People as Resources
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled
by the spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep
gratitude of those who have lighted the flame
within us.
- Albert Schweitzer
Shame De-Rails Resilience
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience
of believing we are flawed and therefore
unworthy of acceptance and belonging.
Shame erodes the part of ourselves that believes
we are capable of change. We cannot change and
grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use
shame to change ourselves or others.
- Brene Brown, PhD
True Other to the True Self
The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt
sense of being held in the mind and heart of an
empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other.
- Diana Fosha, PhD
To see and be seen: that is the questions, and
that is the answer.
- Ken Benau, PhD
Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding
place.
- Zora Neale Hurston
Love guards the heart from the abyss.
- Mozart
Just that action of paying attention to ourselves,
that I care enough about myself, that I am
worthy enough to pay attention to, starts to
unlock some of those deep beliefs of
unworthiness at a deeper level in the brain.
- Elisha Goldstein
Reconditioning
 Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation
 “Light up” neural networks of problematic memory
 Cause neural networks to fall apart temporarily and
instantly rewire by:
 Juxtaposing positive memory that directly contradicts
or disconfirms;
 Focused attention on juxtaposition of both memories
held in simultaneous dual awareness
 Causes the falling apart and the rewiring
Reconditioning










Anchor in present moment awareness
Resource with acceptance and goodness
Start with small negative memory
“Light up the networks”
Evoke positive memory that contradicts or disconfirms
Simultaneous dual awareness (or toggle)
Refresh and strengthen positive
Let go of negative
Rest in, savor positive
Reflect on shifts in perspective
Wished for Outcome
 Evoke memory of what did happen
 Imagine new behaviors, new players, new
resolution
 Hold new outcome in awareness,
strengthening and refreshing
 Notice shift in perspective of experience, of
self
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Relational Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
True Other to the True Self
The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt
sense of being held in the mind and heart of an
empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other.
- Diana Fosha, PhD
To see and be seen: that is the questions, and
that is the answer.
- Ken Benau, PhD
Ah, the comfort,
The inexpressible comfort
Of feeling safe with a person.
Having neither to weigh out thoughts
Nor words,
But pouring them all right out, just as they are,
Chaff and grain together;
Certain that a faithful hand
Will take them and sift them;
Keeping what is worth keeping and,
With the breath of kindness,
Blow the rest away.
- Dinah Craik
Empathy
I hear you say….
I see that you….
I sense that you…
I’m touched that you…
Rather than “I think that you….”
Resonance Circuit
 Resonance – vibe, emotional contagion
 Attunement – felt sense, explicit, non-verbal
 Empathy – verbal, cognitive, coherent
narrative
 Compassion – concern, caring, help
 Acceptance – pre-requisite for resilience and
lasting change
Theory of Mind
I know that you can be thinking and feeling
something completely different
from what I’m thinking and feeling,
and that’s OK.
Seeing Ourselves as Others See Us
 Imagine sitting across from someone who
loves you unconditionally
 Imagine switching places with them; see
yourself as they see you; feel why they love
you and delight in you; take in the good
 Imagine being yourself again; taking in the love
and affection coming to you; savor and absorb.
Welcome Them All
 Wiser Self welcomes to the “party”
 characters that embody positive and negative
parts of the self
 with curiosity and acceptance of the message
or gift of each part and
 honors each part of the “inner committee”
Relational Intelligence
 Receiving/reaching out for help
 Setting limits and boundaries
 Negotiating change
 Resolving conflicts
 Repairing ruptures
 Forgiveness
Receiving/Reaching Out for Help
 Self-compassion for human vulnerability
 Identify behaviors, resources that would be
helpful
 Ask for help (don’t rely on mind-reading)
 Receive help; take in the good
 If help not available, seek other resources
Setting Limits and Boundaries
 Permission to assert request without
aggression or collapse; Dance of Anger
 Cultivate mindful empathy for self and other
 State values, needs, desires
 State the limit and consequences
 (When practicing, partner accepts limit)
Negotiating Change
 Code to initiate dialogue; agreement to follow
protocol
 Speaker states topic, then shares experience,
progressing from perceptions of behaviors to
emotional needs, fears, desires
 Listener listens; no debate, defense, rebuttal
 Summary of concern
Negotiating Change, part 2
 Speaker identifies three behaviors he/she is
willing to do to address emotional needs
 Speaker identifies three behaviors partner can
do to address emotional needs
 Each chooses one; must be specific, positive,
within defined time frame
 Each acknowledges when other does the new
behavior
Resolving Conflicts
 Acknowledge conflict
 Identify possible misunderstandings, mis-
perceptions
 Take responsibility for your part in conflict
 Convey your responsibility to other; ask them
to reflect on their responsibility for their part
 Brainstorm possible solutions; come to
agreement
Repairing Ruptures
 Focus on repairing the relationship, not on
right v. wrong
 Value of relationship, motivation to repair
 Mindful empathy for each other
 Share experiences, not opinions
 Convey understanding of experience, care for
person
 Re-engage from more resonant space
Forgiveness - I
For the many ways that I have hurt and harmed
myself, that I have betrayed or abandoned
myself, out of fear, pain, and confusion,
through action or inaction, in thought, word or
deed, knowingly or unknowingly…
I extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I
forgive myself. I forgive myself.
Forgiveness - II
For the ways that I have hurt and harmed you,
have betrayed or abandoned you, caused you
suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my
pain, fear, anger, and confusion…
I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your
forgiveness.
Forgiveness - III
For the many ways that others have hurt,
wounded, or harmed me, out of fear, pain,
confusion, and anger…
I have carried this pain in my heart long enough.
To the extent that I am ready, I offer you
forgiveness. To those who have caused me
harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.
Forgiveness is not an occasional act;
It is a permanent attitude.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Reflective Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Mindfulness and Compassion
Awareness of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Acceptance of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Attention circuit and resonance circuit
Two most powerful agents of brain change known to
science; both foster response flexibility
Integration
 Reflection
 See clearly
 Resonance
 Embrace wholeheartedly
 May I meet this moment fully;
 May I meet it as a friend.
Mindfulness
Focused attention on
present moment experience
without judgment or resistance.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Mindfulness Comes to the West
 Mindful schools
 Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction
 Business – 2014 World Economic Forum
 Government – Tim Ryan in Congress
 Military – post-traumatic stress
 Sports – peak performance
 Cover of Time magazine, February 3, 2014
Mindfulness
 Pause, become present
 Notice and name
 Step back, dis-entangle, reflect
 Catch the moment; make a choice
 Shift perspectives; shift states
 Discern options
 Choose wisely – let go of unwholesome,
cultivate wholesome
Between a stimulus and response there is a
space. In that space is our power to choose
our response. In our response lies our growth
and our freedom. The last of human freedoms
is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of
circumstances.
- Viktor Frankl
Notice and Name
Increasingly complex objects of awareness:
 Sensations as sensations
 Emotions as emotions
 Cascades of emotions as cascades
 Thoughts as thoughts
 Patterns of thoughts as patterns
 States of mind as states of mind
 Identities, belief systems as identities and
 Mental contents, patterns of neural firing
Awareness itself – vast sky that storms pass through
Anything is a Cue to Practice
 Notice any moment of contraction
 Use contraction as cue to:
 Step back, come to center
 Use practice to come to equilibrium
 Discern options, choose wisely
Mindfulness
Catch the moment; make a choice
- Janet Friedman
Every moment has a choice;
Every choice has an impact.
- Julia Butterfly Hill
Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters – Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open,
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
-Portia Nelson
Modes of Processing
 Focused
 Tasks and details
 Self-referential
 Defocused
 Default network
 Plane of open possibilities
Mindfulness Dissolves
the Stuff of “Self”
 Quantum physics investigates matter
 Matter is more space than stuff
 Mindfulness investigates “I”
 Self is not static or fixed; is ever-changing, ever-unfolding
 True Self is flow of beingness
Rest in Simply Being
 Awareness of Awareness
 Insights, epiphanies, revelations
Wisdom teaches me I am nothing.
Love teaches me I am everything.
Between the two, my life flows.

- Sri Nisargadatta
Pre-Frontal Cortex
 Toggles back and forth between focused and
defocused modes of processing
 Integration of two modes; integration of right
and left hemispheres, integration of higher
and lower brain
 Deeper brain functioning; brain itself more
reslient
 Consciousness
 True Nature
 Wiser Self
 Adult Self
 Inner Child
Brahma Viharas
 Loving Kindness
 Compassion
 Sympathetic Joy
 Equanimity
Presence
To be present is far from trivial. It may be
the hardest work in the world. And forget
about the “may be.” It is the hardest
work in the world – at least to sustain
presence. And the most important.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Intention
And the day came when the risk it took
To stay tight inside the bud
Was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin
Perseverance
How long should you try? Until. - Jim Rohn
The difference between try and triumph is a little
“umph.” – author unknown
The greatest oak was once a little nut that held
its ground. – Author unknown
Competence
 Empowerment and mastery from changing old
coping strategies, learning new ones
 Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do
this.”
You can’t stop the waves,
But you can learn to surf.
-Jon Kabat-Zinn
As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an
archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves
wood, the wise shape their lives.
- Buddha
Competence
Bodily felt sense of “Sure I can!”
Based on previous experience
No matter what, no matter how small
Ownership
Learning Model
 Unconscious Incompetence
 Conscious Incompetence
 Conscious Competence
 Unconscious Competence
How to Create a New Habit
 Identify new behavior you want to cultivate
 Identify reward for new behavior; how will you
sense that reward in your body?
 Identify first five seconds of new behavior
 Identify cue to begin the first five seconds of
behavior
Cues to Practice - ANTS to PATS
 Identify habitual negative pattern of response
 Identify new, positive response to counter/replace
 Identify cue word or phrase to name negative and
positive
 Criticism - Compassion
 Use cue to break automaticity and change the
channel
 Repeat the practice as many times as necessary
Find the Gift in the Mistake
 Regrettable Moment – Teachable Moment
 What’s Right with this Wrong?
 What’s the Lesson?
 What’s the Cue to Act Differently?
 Find the Gift in the Mistake
Coherent Narrative
 This is what happened.
 This is what I did.
 This has been the cost.
 This is what I learned.
 This is what I would do differently going
forward.
Deep Listening
The most basic and powerful way to connect to
another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps
the most important thing we ever give each
other is our attention….A loving silence often
has far more power to heal and to connect
than the most well-intentioned words.
- Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.
Deep Listening
 Listener asks speaker the question. Speaker answers
honestly.
 The speaker answers the repeating question for
several rounds, deepening his/her understanding of
his/her experience.
 Listener and speaker switch roles.
 Take a few moments to share reflections on the
experience.
Questions for Deep Listening
 What brings you joy in your life?
 What has brought you sorrow?
 What worries you now?
 When have you found courage in dark times?
 What are you grateful for?
 What are you proud of?
I am no longer afraid of storms,
For I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships
are for.
- Grace Hopper
In every community, there is work to be done.
In every nation, there are wounds to heal.
In every heart, there is the power to do it.
- Marianne Williamson
Courage
It’s as wrong to deny the possible
As it is to deny the problem.
- Dennis Seleeby
There is a natural and inviolable tendency in
things to bloom into whatever they truly are in
the core of their being.
All we have to do is align ourselves with what
wants to happen naturally and put in the effort
that is our part in helping it happen.
- David Richo
Mastering the art of resilience does much more
than restore you to who you once thought you
were. Rather, you emerge from the experience
transformed into a truer expression of who you
were really meant to be.
- Carol Orsborn
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
linda@lindagraham-mft.net
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765