Disciple Making 2015
SATURDAY SESSION TWO
PARENTING MILLENNIALS
Parenting 21st C Millennials
Relative Influence of Social Institutions Impacting WESTERN
Coming of Age 1800-2000
James Cote, Arrested Adulthood (NY University Press 2000)
70
60
50
Family
Religion
State
Education
Market
40
30
20
10
0
1800
1850
1900
1950
2000
Parental Ah Ha 1
There is a significant correlation
between the spiritual vibrancy of
parents and spiritual vibrancy of
their children.
This means parent’s spirituality
matters!
Parental Spiritual Disciplines
My mother/father read the Bible regularly
during my upbringing (Yes/No)
I believe my mother/father prayed regularly
outside of table grace (Yes/No)
My mother/father attended religious services
regularly during my upbringing (Yes/No)
Parent spiritual discipline
groups (PSDG)
12%
32%
High
Moderate
Low
56%
Young adult attendance at religious
services
100%
90%
80%
70%
Weekly or
more
9%
15%
36%
47%
9%
Once or
twice a
month
60%
50%
42%
40%
30%
67%
43%
20%
7%
10%
15%
3%
8%
Moderate
Low
0%
High
Parental Spiritual Discipline Group
Seldom
Never
YoungYoung
Adult Bible
adultReading
Bible reading
100%
11%
90%
80%
21%
54%
67%
13%
70%
Monthly
40%
31%
31%
30%
24%
High
Hardly ever
60%
50%
24%
Never
7%
7%
1%
Moderate
Parental Spiritual Discipline Group
Weekly
20%
Daily
3%
4%
2%
Low
10%
0%
A Disclaimer
• It is a falsely imposed burden to believe if we
do the right thing they will come out the
right way.
• Sometimes what looks like failure, is simply
God at work – on his timetable – not ours.
“When a teen says I don’t want to go to church it is not
the first step to atheism, it is the first step to an
adult faith.” Eugene Peterson
Parental Ah Ha 2
There are surprising stories of young
adults returning to faith under wild
circumstances.
This means God is still working his
wonderful plan of love!
“That was where the switch
got hit!”
“I woke up the next day in the bed of my house with no idea
how I got there wearing just my underwear and a T-shirt, a
hospital bracelet and electrodes on my chest and I’m like
okay, what did I do?
And so I ... called my buddy and asked what happened last night
and he’s just like, oh it was hilarious you were so drunk. And
then he started telling me how we ended up having this
theological debate that I couldn’t remember.
And for me I was like, that was where a switch got hit where I
was like okay, so there’s this God that I’m claiming to follow
and love and I’m trying to talk to people about it but I was
drunk and I can’t even remember the conversation, the level
of hypocrisy there just really hit home that day.”
(Malcolm)
Parents are Key
YOU ARE
(hands down!)
the most powerful influence on your
children’s spirituality.
Research studies consistently suggest that
the “hidden curriculum” of parental
lives is the most powerful curriculum of
all.
Hidden Curriculum
“There was always a Bible around. She (Mom) would
get up in the morning and read it. And she had a journal
and she would write things that she learned. She would
take notes in the sermon. And I started doing that too.”
(Sydney)
“Simply, we were a church-going family, but not a
family that truly believed or lived out according to how
we believed. We simply went to church and we tried to
do some religious things, but in the end we didn’t
really—wouldn’t get it and it wasn’t passed on to me.”
(Jeremy)
Nine PRIMERS to a Child’s Faith
(in ascending order of importance)
9. Pizza and Bowling: recreation, entertainment, sport
8. Permissiveness: Living the questions, open-mindedness and
acceptance
7. Proof: apologetics, arguments
6. Program: youth-centered activities with peers
5. Powerful Red Bull Experiences: camps, conferences,
mission trips
4. Patrons: relationship with adults, pastors, grand parents
3. Practices: bible reading, church attendnace, prayer
2. Parents: who model and teach discipleship with Jesus
1. Parents with perspective: Parents who believe Jesus is
God and LORD of ALL have a larger impact than
those who see Jesus is personal Saviour or a good
teacher who should be emulated
Source: Peter Schuurman and David Haskell
Reflection Question
Barna Research:
85 % of parents believe they have the primary
task of teaching their children about spiritual
matters.
But the majority of parents do not spend any
time during a typical week discussing spiritual
matters and visibly modelling spiritual practices
Why the disconnect?
1. Pray
Necessity !
Since heart transformation is accomplished
by the Holy Spirit alone, prayer is an
absolute necessity.
We love our children most
by praying for them !
• PRAY for their conversion
• PRAY for the impartation of Christ’s identity
• PRAY for maturation in Christ
Jesus beckons us to ask and keep on asking,
seek and keep on seeking, and knock and
keep on knocking. Matt 7:7
2. Get a Better
Metaphor
WHAT IS YOUR METAPHOR
FOR PARENTING?
“Parenting Johnny is like_________________”
Is my mental picture
of my teen
part of the solution or part of the
problem?
If we expect the best, often the best happens.
If we expect the worst, often the worst happens.
Don’t tolerate your kids;
like them on purpose
We must not see our
kids as
repositories of
problems. If we
do, we move away
from them at
exactly the time
that they need us.
Richard Lerner, leading scholar of child development
We talk a lot about bills and homework
and house chores. But let’s get one
thing straight --- The only thing that is
sacred in this house are the people.
They are not just “teenagers”.
they are sacred young men and women....our
hope, our joy, our crown, our glory!
Teds Talk: Peter Benson – How Youth Thrivek
Spark + 3 spark champions +
opportunities = YOUTH THRIVING
SPARK:
Discover where
their great
gladness meets a
world’s great
need!!
(F. Beuckner)
3. Trust and Give
Space
Parenting Styles
• Authoritarian
- low warmth/high control
•
• Authoritative
- high warmth/high control
•
• Permissive
- high warmth/low control
•
• Indifferent
•
- low warmth/low control
Authority does not bluster when challenged,
but at the same time is not coercive. It
is courteous and is exercised by quiet
counsel, patient trust and pondering. It
loses its energy when it becomes
authoritarian.
It’s a real “trust thing”
between the two of you
There is a difference between firm and hard
– you can be pulling at a 20 lb. level, but it’s how
you got there that matters.
Was it by gentle pressure or abruptly?
After you’re abrupt with her a few times, she’ll brace even
when you’re not abrupt. Hurt children are very easily
suspicious.
What you want is rapport. You are not trying to break her
spirit ….. You want her to cooperate without being scarred
A soft feel
The problem is that if we can’t get her to operate on a soft feel we use
a little more bridle, a little more spur.
But if she feels like you are angry with her at all, she will shut down.
You allow her to make mistakes. She learns from mistakes, but you
don’t want her to dread making mistakes.
Build on her pride. ..You want her to feel good about herself.
Kids get discouraged by parents who shut the doors. Be good at
opening doors.
VIP: When you handle horses your own issues start to come out.
Horses mirror you. You can’t lie. If you’re insecure, they’re
insecure.
Hold them like soap
You can’t squeeze them too hard, or they slip
out of your hand.
Over control smothers and kills the human
spirit.
You can influence your child if you have a
relationship with her, but not if you are
alienated from her.
Treat interaction with youth as a
rich, cross-cultural adventure.
curious
Excitement
Anticipation
• Keep
engaging
Trust
withdraw
• Start
judging
Seek first to understand
Empathetic listening is perhaps one of the
greatest deposits we can make into their
emotional bank accounts. Listen to
understand their perspective.
If you can understand, validate and affirm
your kids, they will often come up with
their own solutions to a problem.
4. Use Attachment
Theory
ATTACHMENT
Attachment is the force of attraction pulling two
bodies toward each other.
Factors contributing to
attachment void
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Both parents working; shift work
Caring for the young is undervalued
Eating rituals have dwindled
Loss of extended family
Increased mobility
Secularization of society
Nuclear family weakening
Working into the evening and night
Technology
Attractional youth ministry
Peer Orientation
Catches us unawares – spreads shoots everywhere before we notice it
When children start revolving around each other, everything
changes. They become lost, but it is enough for them to just be with
each other, even if they are completely off the map.
Gordon Neufeld
child
child
parent
child
child
child
peers
child
child
child
Can only have one primary
attachment
A sailor relying on a compass could not
find his way if there were two magnetic
North Poles.
It takes an attached relationship for
a child to be receptive to being
parented.
All the parenting skills in the
world cannot compensate for a
lack of attachment.
The secret is not what a parent DOES,
but rather who the parent IS
in the perception of the child !
When a child SEEKS contact and
closeness with us, we become enabled
as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a
model, a teacher or a coach.
Create a village of attachment
The church and school are like an “extended family”.
Adopt the children of your friends, of single parents,
of unbelieving parents and overly-busy parents.
Every young person needs
five significant relationships
with someone a generation
older
5. Change Yourself
How change happens...
If your teen refuses counselling, go by
yourself. You can’t change anybody. You
can only change yourself. The best way to
influence your teen to change her attitude is
to change yours.
Don’t try to force change in your children.
Provoke it by doing the changing
yourself. Change yourself and the
whole world must adapt. Beausay
Moral Therapeutic Deism – a mutant
faith...from parents to children
M.T.D. is affecting entire families.
We are increasingly subscribing
to a mutant faith that is only
Christian on the surface.
The god of M.T.D. isn’t one who
makes demands, but who is
available on demand.
How do we view GOD?
I know all the things you do. I
have seen your hard
work….but I have this
complaint against you. You
don’t love me and each other
as you did at first.
Rev. 2:2-4
Wise versus foolish builder – Jesus Matt.5-7
...the difference is their TRUST of JESUS
A parent’s view of Jesus
matters!
A parent with a perspective that sees
Jesus only as a good role model worth
emulating has far less success at child
religious socialization than a parent
who experiences Jesus as divine and
present, as God active in the parent’s
midst.
David Haskell, Sociology of Religion Professor
6. Change What
You Measure
You get what you measure
Many parents measure these criteria:
are their basic needs provided?
physically healthy?
performing at grade level?
in a secure and comfortable home?
involved with church and programs?
connected to decent friends?
not involved in cults, gangs, drugs, or alcohol?
not a victim of physical or emotional abuse?
without a criminal record?
not out of control?
Barna
The dominant goal of parenting
is spiritual nurturing.
The goal is not a successful athletic or happy kid.
The goal is a teen transformed by Jesus,
compassionate, exploring their Godbreathed spark.
NB !
Nurturing is different than modifying behaviour!
Emphasize loving
(and trusting) God
more than obeying God.
There is a huge difference between a performance
driven “gospel” of sin management and a sticky
faith of trusting Jesus to lead and carry and
change us from within.
Emphasize WHO they are (beloved of God) rather
than WHAT they do.
Nurturing
God
His love
obedience
our love
NB !! Counter-clockwise is sin-management !
Emphasize the grandeur and
mystery of God
Children have a remarkable ability to recognize transcendence.
They need to learn that presence as a benevolent and loving
God, not a moral God who is against us.
When the glory and transcendence of God is not addressed, our
focus shifts to human behaviour and moralizing surges to the
fore. By the time young people enter college they have
become cynical and have abandoned God.
Emphasize the grandeur and
mystery of God
Children have a remarkable ability to recognize transcendence.
They need to learn that presence as a benevolent and loving
God, not a moral God who is against us.
When the glory and transcendence of God is not addressed, our
focus shifts to human behaviour and moralizing surges to the
fore. By the time young people enter college they have
become cynical and have abandoned God.
Great parents (interviewed by Barna)
usually wait for their kids to decide
to say yes to Jesus, and if anything,
prayed their children into the
Kingdom.
Parenting is Discipleship
Discipleship implies that the child is following
someone -- you, as you are following Jesus.
Discipleship implies that the child is attached to
you, and that you are attached to your Father.
7. MAKE the Time
Quantity Time
One of the most harmful ideals to grip the
minds of parents over the past two decades
is that of ‘quality time’.
Barna p. 89
Quality time happens somewhere inside of
quantity time (hidden like a needle in a haystack) !!
Kids are in the drivers’ seat on this one.
Quality time happens when you least expect
it.
Studies have shown that the lie about
quantity time has hurt both parents and
children, leaving a large proportion of
young adults feeling as if they were not
adequately parented and a shockingly
high number feeling that they lacked a
father figure in their lives
George Barna, p. 90
Be there.
Don’t just be there, be audaciously
present. In colourful, powerful ad inyour-face ways. Be there. Showing up
does not mean mumbling something from
behind the newspaper, or delivering couch
potato speech 19. It requires artistry and
stealth.
Beausay
Eat together every day
Listen
• Put away cell phone, turn off TV, put down
the newspaper
• Decide to be interested
• Reflect their emotions – If they see their emotions
reflected in your face, it tells them you understand
• Sometimes it’s easier to talk when riding bike
or doing a puzzle
• Listen to actions and body language
• Don’t interrupt
DIALOGUE, not monologue
In transformational parenting, parents spend
90 – 120 minutes a day in dialogue with their
kids (verified by parent and child independently)
Barna
Slow down !
If your family is living at too fast of a pace,
or if your own life is filled with chaos and
conflict, don’t expect your kids to set a
positive atmosphere in your home.
Everything is more dangerous at high speed.
.
Jim Burns
8. Channel
Channelling Research
Formal socialization has some impact
Informal socialization has MUCH MORE
impact
The MOST IMPACT was gained from
channelling them to places where there
were more in-group ties than out-group
ties
Change of environment
Get rid of the toxic voices !
Bible College
• We are mostly unaware of changes in our society that seem
to be at the root of our neglect of spiritual education. For
example, because of consumerism and the prevailing feelings of
entitlement, parents today (whether Christian or not!) have for their
children one major goal – to be happy and materially wellestablished.
• Christian parental unawareness further complicates the scenario.
This point was driven home to me when Thomas from a strong
Christian home heard of someone going to Bethany. “What’s the
good of Bible college?” he asked. In other words, does it give me a
marketable skill? What kind of high-paying, prestigious job would I
now qualify for? Oswald Chamber’s answer: “This college has no
value as an organization, not even academically. It’s sole value for
existence is for God to help Himself to lives. Will we allow him to
help Himself to us (and our kids), or are we more concerned with
our own ideas of what we (and they) are going to be?”
9. Repair
Repair
• Put the brakes on a discussion when it
turns negative
• Use the Gottman Repair Checklist as a
starting point for fixing the interaction
I feel…or I’m sorry for…I appreciate…
• If you are “flooding”, take a break
“ ‘I’m sorry. What I did was wrong.’ Those words are
rarely heard by anyone. They are heard even less by
children. Then there is the ultimate rarity when a child
hears it from their parents.
When my mom or dad tells me that, it changes things a
bit. For a moment I have to put aside my anger and my
hurt and change my view toward them. For a moment,
they are at the same level as me. I do not see them as
a figure of authority but as a friend asking for
forgiveness. The reason that I no longer see them as a
figure of authority is because they are vulnerable. They
no longer have the ‘parent wall’ surrounding them.”
A teen (Sticking with your Teen, p. 47)
Effects of distressed marital
relationship on kids
• Parents have difficulty coordinating with
each other
• Parent-child interactions are more
negative
• Children are at risk for:
–
–
–
–
Mental health problems (ex: depression)
Frequent illness
Behavioral problems (ex: aggression)
Lower social competence
Repairing your marital relationship
• Make up both verbally and physically
(children under 8 years old, need to see repairs
happen physically)
• Timing is everything
• Let children ask questions about what they saw/heard
• Set a problem solving meeting for the family
• Make time to discuss conflicts and problems separately
from your kids
Parents and Grandparents can
10. Have Fun
Above all the passions you provoke, I
pray that having fun is at the top
of the list.
Generations of well-intentioned,
perfectly correct, biblically informed
parents have gone down to defeat
because their kids figured out
something vital – the joy was
missing.
Bill Beausay
Humour and joy are the
proof of the pudding.
Home is where you WANT to be !
Parents and Grandparents can
11. Keep Your Eye
on the End Goal
Parent’s End Goal – to hand
their children on to God
• Parents give a child a sense of identity,
practical nurture, and accountability.
• As the child reaches adulthood, his identity is
no longer from his biological family or tribe, but
from God.
• Children are unceasing spiritual beings created
for friendship with God forever....God’s dream
wrapped in their skin....co-creators functioning
where you help them discover where their great
gladness meets a world’s great need.
“God calls you to where your great gladness
meets a world’s great need.”
Frederick Buechner
• so, yeah, parenting is hard & beautiful,
and very, very hard & very, very beautiful,
and sometimes you just get down on the floor & weep
& there's no shame in it -- tears just saying we're loving deep.
Parenting is hard, not because we're getting it wrong, but because
we're getting to do holy work -- holy work *is* hard work....
That's the miracle of parenting:
labor never stops & we never stop having to remember to breathe.
And even the sound of our breathing is saying His name - YHWH.
And all the parents exhaled... and our every breath calls for You to
come, Lord, please come -- Come help us to labor over these
beloved children, that they'd deliver into the wide expanse of Your
fulfilling grace -& never forget their name: Beloved.
IMAGINE
WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED SO FAR ABOUT
MAKING DISCIPLES
AMONG RISING GENERATIONS
TOGETHER!!!