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HABIT 5:
SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND,
THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
The Challenges of Communication
&
The Skill of Empathy
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THE HABIT OF EMPATHIC
COMMUNICATION

We need to listen to one another if
we are to make it through this age
of apocalypse and avoid the chaos
of the crowd.
- Chaim Potok
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UNDERLYING PRINCIPLES
Diagnosis must
precede
prescription.
 Understanding
comes through
listening.

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Diagnose Before You Prescribe
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Describe a time when someone didn’t
listen to you before prescribing an
answer.
How did you feel?
When do you fail most to listen to
others? Why?
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Levels of Listening

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Ignoring: making no effort to listen
Pretend Listening: making believe or
giving the appearance you are listening
Selective Listening: hearing only the
parts of the conversation that interest
you
Attentive Listening: paying attention and
focusing on what the speaker says, and
comparing that to your own experiences
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PERCEPTIONS

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Our perceptions of others are skewed to
meet our own needs.
We judge others on the basis of their
actions.
We judge ourselves on the basis of our
intentions.
We hear and see what we need or
expect to hear.
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Problems which lead to
communication difficulties

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Defensiveness
Inarticulate
Hidden Agendas
Status
Differences
Environment
Hostility
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When others speak

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We listen at one of the five levels
People who listen at the first four levels
often pursue personal motives
People who practice ate the fifth level of
listening, empathic listening, try to
discover what the other person really
means and feels from his or her point of
view
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Autobiographical Responses

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Can keep us from understanding.
When we listen to people, we tend to
filter what we hear through our own
experiences.
Our background creates certain
“autobiographical filters.”
We translate others’ words and feelings
to fit our opinions and experiences.
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4 Autobiographical Responses
Advising
 Probing
 Interpreting
 Evaluating

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Autobiographical Responses

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ADVISING: Giving counsel, advice, and
solutions to problems
PROBING: Asking questions from our
won frame of reference or agenda
INTERPRETING: Explaining another’s
motives and behavior based on our own
experiences. Trying to figure people
out.
EVALUATING: Judging, and either
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agreeing or disagreeing.
ADVISING

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Give counsel based on your own
experiences.
Saying, “Let me tell you what I would
do…” is belittling to the requestor.
This is more frequently exhibited in
males than in females.
Males try to solve problems, females
look for sounding boards.
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PROBING



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Webster's Dictionary defines a probe as
a blunt instrument used to explore a
wound.
Ask questions from your own frame of
reference.
Reframing the problem away from the
requestor’s to a problem you have.
This diverts the discussion and should
be avoided.
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INTERPRETING & EVALUATING

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Explain motives and behavior based on
your own motives and behavior.
Reading between the lines and
psychoanalyzing are not techniques
used by effective people.
Agree to disagree.
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DON’T THROW A PIE!
Don’t throw
 A (advising)
 P (probing)
 I (interpreting)
 E (evaluating)

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How does the message change?
I
want you to call me.
 I want you to call me.
 I want you to call me.
 I want you to call me.
 I want you to call me.
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HOW WE COMMUNICATE
Tone and
Inflection
38%
Words We Use
7%
Body Language
55%
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Communication is paying
attention to
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Appearance
Posture
Body Language
Gestures
Eye Contact
Facial Expressions
Voice- pitch,
volume, inflection,
pace
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Empathetic Listening


Listening with intent
to understand the
other person’s frame
of reference and
feelings
You must listen with
your ears, your
eyes, and your
heart.
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5 Empathetic Listening
Responses
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Repeat Verbatim
Rephrase Content
Reflect Feelings
Rephrase Content
and Reflect Feelings
Discern
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Empathetic Listening is important
under certain conditions:

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When interaction has a strong emotional
component.
When the relationship is strained or trust
is low.
When we are not sure we understand.
When the data is complex or unfamiliar.
When we are not sure the other person
feels confident that we understand.
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Practice Empathetic Listening
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The skill of Empathetic Listening takes
practice.
It combines several skills, including
capturing feelings from nonverbal clues
and phrasing empathetic responses
clearly and supportively.
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Empathetic Listening is not good
for everything.

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Sometimes only silence and patience
work.
In many interactions, autobiographical
responses work.
Sometimes nothing seems to work.
Empathetic Listening is one of many
tools to help us understand others.
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Empathy is not Sympathy

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We have empathy when we put
ourselves in another’s place and
experience feelings as he or she
experiences them.
This does not mean we agree (as in
sympathy), but that we understand the
other point of view.
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Seeking to be understood

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Like win-win, this habit balances
courage and consideration.
While understanding another person
takes consideration, getting another
person to understand us takes courage.
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Then Seek to be Understood
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When you present your own ideas
clearly, specifically, visually, and most
importantly contextually- in the context
of a deep understanding of their
paradigms and concerns- you
significantly increase the credibility of
your ideas.
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TRANSACTIONAL TO
TRANSFORMATIONAL

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By seeking first to understand, we can
turns transactional opportunity into a
transformational opportunity.
We can get on the same side of the
table looking at the problem instead of
staying on opposite sides staring at
each other
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One on One
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Habit 5 is powerful because it focuses
on your circle of influence.
You are focusing on building your
understanding.
You become influenceable, which is the
key to influencing others.
As you appreciate people more, they
will appreciate you.
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SYNERGY
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When we really deeply understand each
other, we open the door to creative
solutions and third alternatives. Our
differences are no longer stumbling
blocks to communication and progress.
Instead they become stepping stones to
synergy.
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