The Transforming Power
of Forgiveness:
How to become a more forgiving person
Session 4
Martin’s E-Mail:
manna@iglou.com
Review
• Session 1 – we looked at the way scriptures portray
forgiveness
• Session 2 – we looked at two ways to define
forgiveness (decisional and emotional). We began to
talk about the target hurts we identified in session 1
• Session 3 – we explored those hurts further and began
to look at them differently that we may have in the
past. At the end of the session we examined how we
always seem to have good reason or justifications or at
least excuses if we hurt or offend someone.
Session 4
Empathy For The One Who Hurt You:
The hard part of experiencing emotional forgiveness
• Today we will tackle the hard work of
experiencing emotional forgiveness. That is,
to try to empathize, sympathize, feel
compassion for, or even love the one who
harmed us.
• This is obviously a hard thing to do, but we
will experience peace and emotional
forgiveness to the degree we are successful
doing this.
GOALS FOR SESSION 4
1. To empathize with the person who hurt us.
2. To learn ways that we can promote empathy.
3. Even if we cannot empathize, to learn ways
to sympathize and experience compassion
for those who have harmed us—and
ultimately to love our enemies.
Worthington, E. (1997). Promoting Forgiveness in Clinical Practice. AACC World Conference on Christian Counseling
Thought Questions for Session 4
1. How can we discern God’s heart? Isn’t God hard
to identify with?
2. Does God really want us to get into the mind
and heart of a person who inflicted harm on us?
3. In empathizing, loving our enemies, and
forgiving, what is our part and what is God’s
part?
Remember: We Do Things For Reasons
• The previous session, you thought of a time when
you hurt someone. We concluded this:
• We all do things for what we believe at the time to be
good reasons. Sometimes, though, we hurt instead.
Because we have all had this experience of hurting
others even with the best of intentions, we can
understand that the person who hurt us probably
(possibly?) had what he or she believed to be good
reasons. That person might not be as mean or evil or
uncaring as we thought.
• You have thought about this since the previous
session. Do you still believe this idea has merit? Why?
Empathize
Empathy involves seeing things from another
person's point of view, feeling that person's
feelings, and identifying with the pressures that
made the person hurt you.
How would he or she explain the harmful acts?
http://mailer.fsu.edu/~cfigley/Research/forgiveness.html
Victim No Longer!
Forgiveness is facilitated when we can look at
the transgression from multiple perspectives.
The harmful act is seen more objectively when
we can step outside of the victim role. We
have a chance to view what happened from a
bigger perspective – one that includes the
human and the divine.
Trying To Understand The Person Who
Hurt You
Pertaining to the target transgression:
1. Talk with your dyad partner about what you
think your offender was experiencing.
2. Ask the dyad partner for other possible
experiences the perpetrator might have had.
3. Switch and the dyad partner talks, followed
by your feedback.
Empty Chair Exercise
• Done with your partner.
• Both do the exercise, but only one at a time.
• While the active partner works through the exercise, the
observer is supportive, but silent.
• We will pretend the transgressor is in the empty chair.
• First, tell the transgressor how you were hurt by them.
• Second, move to the empty chair and pretend you are the
transgressor. Talk from their point of view, what you saw,
thought, heard, felt.
• Then move back into your first chair and be “you” again.
• Keep moving back and forth having a conversation.
• I will tell you when to switch with your partner. Keep the
conversation going until I tell you its time to switch.
Processing the Experience
• Did you consider the person’s history?
• Did you consider the pressures that the
person is under?
• Do you understand the person’s perspective
any better?
• What are your reactions to having done this?
If you are like most…
The “Empty Chair” exercise will result in
one of two things happening:
1. You come to see things from another’s
perspective and become more willing to
forgive them.
2. You come to see that regardless of what they
say, you don’t need their apology to forgive.
You can be autonomous.
What if I’m having trouble with this?!
• If you are feeling that you really do not want
to empathize with the person… Understand
that it is indeed difficult to do.
• It is the least desirable thing to think about
doing.
• Most agree that this is the most difficult part
of trying to achieve lasting forgiveness.
• This is particularly true if you have to keep
interacting with the person and if the person
has been hurtful more than once.
Empathizing With The Heart Of God
• We have tried to discern what God would
want for you in several contexts in previous
sessions.
• Consider what God may want for both you
and your offender now that you have spent
some time thinking about what it might have
been like for the offender…
Empathizing With The Heart Of God
1. What does God’s heart want for your
offender?
2. What does God’s heart want for you?
Remember, experiencing emotional forgiveness and
peace, depends on your being able to replace
negative emotions like bitterness, resentment,
hostility, hatred, anger, or fear with positive
emotions. You’ve been trying to feel empathy with
the person—to understand the person’s reasons for
doing what he or she did, to feel with the other
person, or even to identify to some degree with the
person. That might, if you persist in it, help you
experience emotional forgiveness and peace. It’s
probably too early to tell, but you are working
toward replacing those negative emotions with
more positive ones.
Moving From E to A…
• Empathizing with the transgressor is truly the
crucial step. If you can feel true empathy for
the person, or true sympathy, or true
compassion, or true love, then those positive
feelings will gradually eat up the negative
feelings of resentment, bitterness, hostility,
hatred, anger, and fear of the person who hurt
you and will replace any feelings of
unforgiveness with feelings of forgiveness.
However…
Taking that step of replacing the resentments you
might have held onto with more positive feelings is
something you can do for one of two motivations.
1. You can give up the unforgiving emotions
because you know that you will improve your
health, your mood, your relationship, or your
spiritual life—as we talked about early in the
group. You can give up the unforgiving
emotions and feel more positive emotions
because you will be free of the weight of
unforgiveness that makes you angry. Or…
2. You can forgive because you are willing to give
an altruistic, unselfish gift of forgiveness to the
person who hurt you—because you are willing to
give a gift of agape love, like Jesus did with his
enemies, to the person who harmed you.
It isn’t easy to give an altruistic gift of forgiveness.
In fact, it’s one of the hardest things we might be
asked to do in this life.
The question is…
Is forgiveness for-getting or for-giving?
People who forgive for unselfish altruistic
reasons will actually get more benefit than
people who try to consciously get the benefits
by forgiving. So apart from any other reason
for pursuing altruistic forgiving, it turns out to
be a paradox. Perhaps it is simply that God
honors those who seek to act unselfishly or
without self-interest. Perhaps there is
something healing in sacrifice. Whatever the
reason, having altruistic motives seems to be
healing.
Further…
It seems more important that one forgive
with altruistic motives than that one
express that forgiveness to the person.
Emotional forgiveness happens within the
skin of the forgiver. When we express
forgiveness, we are really talking about a
different process—the process of
reconciliation.
A Quick Review…
• So Far we have:
• Experienced decisional forgiveness as we let
go of our grudge.
• We have covered Recall of the hurt, and
Empathy with the transgressor.
• Now we move onto the A part of the REACH
model – give and Altruistic gift to the one
who hurt you.
When Did You Do Something Altruistic
For Someone Else?
• Altruism is “Other-Regarding” behavior. It’s doing
something nice, positive, etc. for someone with
the primary motive of helping that person.
• Exercise 4-15
– Discuss in dyads a time that you did something
altruistic for someone.
– What motivated you?
– How did you feel about doing it?
– How did you feel afterwards?
Yehiel Dinur
…a holocaust survivor who was a witness
during the trial of the Nazi war criminal,
Adolf Eichmann. Dinur entered the
courtroom and stared the man who had
presided over the slaughter of millions.
The court was hushed as a victim
confronted a butcher of his people.
Suddenly Dinur began to sob and
collapsed to the floor. But not out of
anger or bitterness. As he explained later
in an interview, what struck him was a
terrifying realization. “I was afraid about
myself,” Dinur said. “I saw that I am
capable to do this…Exactly like he.” In a
moment of chilling clarity, Dinur saw the
man as ordinary. “Eichmann, “he
concluded, “is in all of us.”
So What Do
You Think?
1.What is the point
of this story?
2.Do you agree
with it?
3.Why or why not?
Ordinary…???
If we are all capable of
doing evil, are we really
all that different from the
person who has harmed
us?
Given that fact… Can we
be merciful in our
judgment of that person?
Picture your offender…or
yourself here.
Matthew 18:21-35
(the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant)
Jesus suggests that forgiveness is
what forgiven people do!
Forgiveness
Carol Stratton
http://www.marsneedsguitars.com/2007/06/anger.html
My anger is too hot.
The damage is too deep.
There is no food for thought.
There is no rest in sleep.
You call me to forgive;
My heart will not be moved.
This is no place to live,
But change is hard to choose.
http://www.absenceofdistraction.com/images/photo_111.jpg
http://thirdwatch.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/forgive.jpg
You whisper forgiveness
Isn’t forgetting.
It’s not condoning,
And it’s not defending.
When I remember the pain,
Then remember the pain I caused You,
And how I needed forgiveness
I can forgive, too.
http://assets.disaboom.com/Images/ConditionSummary/pain.jpg
This heart becomes a stone
At the mention of that name.
The villain stands alone
The author of my pain.
You call me to accept
He’s a person, she’s a person
With a need.
And I must give to them
The gift You’ve given me.
http://i121.photobucket.com/albums/o210/luvableariez/prayer.jpg
You whisper forgiveness
Isn’t forgetting. It’s not condoning,
And it’s not defending.
When I remember the pain,
Then remember the pain I caused You,
And how I needed forgiveness,
I can forgive, too.
http://emergingminister.com/graphics/3crosses.jpg
http://www.excerptsofinri.com/images/818fatherforgive.jpg
You looked with loving eyes
From Calvary’s cross,
And You said those words
I need to say.
I am reminded of the ultimate cost
You chose to pay to point the Way.
You whisper
forgiveness isn’t
forgetting.
It’s not condoning,
and it’s not
defending.
When I remember the pain,
Then remember the pain I caused You,
And how I needed forgiveness,
And Your gift of forgiveness for all my sin,
There is life in forgiveness,
So I can forgiveness, too.
© 2004 A Stratton Carol
http://thirdwatch.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/forgive.jpg
What Did You Get Out Of This Session?