Communicating Sexually
The Closest Physical Encounter
Chapter 8
Activate Your Brain
 For whom is sexual activity more of a risk?
 Men or women?
 Why?
 Do you think that will ever change?
 How? Or Why? Or Why not?
 Do you think sexual involvement in a dating
relationship is a good preparation for marriage?
 To that person?
 To the future spouse?
Sex in Short-term &
Early Dating Relationships
 We should remember that - Not all cultures sanction pre-marital sex
 Not all members of Western culture sanction it either
 Premarital sex typically occurs between people who
share some degree of emotional intimacy
 Exceptions: one-night stands, hook-ups (short-term
mating)—what about booty call relationships?
 Both men and women engage in short-term
mating for sexual desire, sexual experimentation,
physical pleasure
 Sex differences in short-term sexual activity
 Men—for satisfaction and status;
 Women –to start a long-term relationship or
enhance economic status
 Ideal short-term mate
 Men seek physical attractiveness but willing to
compromise on intelligence and status
 Women seek physical attractiveness; also
somewhat older, more experienced, selfconfident, and interpersonally responsive
 Women are less likely to compromise on these
standards
 Reproductive success (evolution/biology)
 Sex in dating relationships is more common than





one-night stands.
Couple shares some degree of emotional intimacy
Seeking relational closeness
Turning point in relationship development
Circumstances: Alcohol or special occasions
In dating relationships, sexual satisfaction and
relational satisfaction are correlated.
Sex in Marriage/Long-term Relationships
 Married people experience higher levels of sexual
satisfaction than dating or cohabitating couples
(why?)
 Emotions that accompany sexual attraction and
involvement facilitate pair bonding (evolutionary)
 Most satisfying when motives are positive
 Association between relational and sexual satisfaction
remains throughout life (but note that sex may be
less frequent and nature of sexual activity may
change with age)
Sex in Marriage/Long-term Relationships
 Sexual satisfaction, along with commitment, love,
and compatibility, contribute to relationship
satisfaction.
 Both men and women view sexual desire and
satisfaction as vital to achieving true romantic love.
 Criteria for long-term romantic partner:



Both men and women value interpersonal skill,
emotional stability, responsiveness, family
orientation
Less value on physical attraction
Women value social and economic status
Sex & Gender Differences
 Evolutionary theory suggests that men and
women have different sexual inclinations and
behaviors—especially in choice of mate
 Men have higher expectations for sex on dates
 Men seem able to separate sex from relationship
more easily than women
 Men’s desire is more consistent; it is influenced
by:
 physical attraction
 sexual pleasure and erotic qualities
Sex & Gender Differences
 Women’s sexual desire is more flexible and
adaptable (“erotic plasticity”)
Influenced by:
 Feelings for partner
 Type of relationship they share with the
partner
 Potential for intimacy
 The status and intelligence of the man
 More variation across time, situation, &
culture than men’s sexual desire
Sex in Gay & Lesbian Relationships
 Gay and Lesbian couples much like
heterosexual—want long-term committed
relationships
 Lesbian couples
 Over 75% monogamous
 Engage in sex less frequently than straight
couples or gay male couples. (Why?)



Role as gatekeepers
Not as strong a sex drive
Other forms of affection like cuddling, hugging
Sex in Gay & Lesbian Relationships
Gay men
 About a third of men have engaged in




homosexual behavior at one time in their lives;
about 8% have had exclusively gay relationship
for 3 years or more; about 4% exclusively gay
throughout their lives
Gay men engage in sex the most frequently.
(Why?)
More monogamous than media depicts
Initiating sex may be difficult
Highly satisfied with their sexual relationships
Sexual Attitudes and Beliefs
 Culture: National cultures and co-cultures differ in
sexual attitudes
 Permissive attitudes: African American, Whites
 Most conservative: Asian, Latino, Middle Eastern
 Mass Media:
 29% of interactions on prime-time tv on sexual issues
 television & film (male sex role & recreational rather
than procreational orientation),
 magazines (e.g., Playboy; Sex and the Single Girl)
 What about internet? Cybersex?
Sexual Attitudes and Beliefs
 Parents: both explicit conversations and modeling
 Direct talk important but rare
 Teens don’t like orders and warnings
 Tends to be with girls and mother/daughter more than
father/son (See Table 8.1, p. 186)
 Peers: adolescents get more info./attitudes from
peers than parents
 Past Relationships: comfortable, trusting, safe =
monogamous; less sex in past, more desirable partner
now
Social Norms &Changing Sexual Attitudes
 Premarital sex steadily increased from 1965 to
2005
 2004 study--over 80% of men and women have
had premarital sexual intercourse.
 The vast majority of the U.S. population approve
of premarital sex between adults who are in
serious dating relationships.
 Due in part to politics, music, environment,
media, and women’s rights
 But mostly due to the birth control pill
Sexual Attitudes
Not mutually exclusive—can overlap (esp. in marriage)
 Procreational: sex is for making babies
 Recreational: sex is for fun
 Relational: sex is an expression of intimacy
• Serial monogamy is the predominant pattern in the
U.S., which reflects a relational orientation
• Those who practice serial monogamy love each other,
have caring relationships, good grades, use birth
control, enjoy sex, and are better adjusted than
promiscuous or virgins
• 1996: 11% men and 13% women (college students)
were virgins. What about 2011?
Communication Patterns
Courtship and Flirtation
Scheflen’s (Quasi)Courtship Stages
 Attention (women signal)
 Courtship Readiness
Can last
 Positioning
awhile
 Invitations and Sexual Arousal
 Resolution
 Can be some confusion here between flirting
and sexual interest
Couples Vary in the Timing of Sex
 Rapid Involvement (around 7%)
 Gradual Involvement (around 31%)
 Delayed Involvement (around 44%)
 Low Involvement (around 17%)
 Statistics from 1985 & 1993
 Still true today?
Sexual Scripts
Initiation Strategies
 Hinting and Indirect Strategies (sexual innuendo, flirting)
 men sometimes interpret friendly behavior as sexual




interest
Expressions of Closeness (“I love you,” doing special things
for one another)
Pressure and Manipulation (relational threats)
Antisocial Acts (sexual harassment, holding a grudge,
making partner jealous)
Logic and Reasoning (reassurances, arguments about
timing)
Sexual Scripts
Refusing and Accepting Sexual Invitations
 In early dating relationships: Men as “initiators”; women
as “gatekeepers” (sexual scripts)
 Women try to be polite but men don’t take rejection
personally (directness is fine)
 Over time, individualized scripts develop
 In married relationships, women more likely to be
facilitators than when dating
 Refusal and saving face—particularly in established
relationships, gracious refusals are preferred.
Sexual Coercion
 Sexual coercion: individual pressures, compels, or
forces another to engage in sexual activity
 Verbal pressure to physical force





Over 50% of college women report have been the victim of
some form of sexual coercion
Over 95% of women report having engaged in some form of
unwanted sexual activity (26% of college men)
22% of college women report being forced to have sexual
intercourse
Women report sexual coercion on about 7% of dates
Almost 2/3 of sexual assaults occur with regular relationship
partners
Sexual Coercion
 Token resistance
 Perceived token resistance
 Men seldom terminate a relationship, feel hurt
offended, or angry when women use direct resistance
 About 10% of sexual coercion situations involve women
aggressors
 1988: College students: 62.7% of men and 46.3% of
women had unwanted sexual intercourse
 Men may not have refusal script or don’t want to
appear unmanly
Sexual Harassment
 Inappropriate sexual comments, behaviors, or
requests that create hostile work or school
environment or when a person feels pressure to have
sex to avoid negative consequences
 One out of every two working women is sexually
harassed at some time.
 Various verbal and nonverbal behaviors can be
interpreted as harassing, including:
 comments about a person’s body, dating relationships,
or sexual activity
 touch, especially to face, vulnerable or intimate body
parts
Responses to Sexual Harassment
 Passive: indirect strategies, such as ignoring
the harassment or appeasing the harasser
 Assertive: directly telling the harasser to
stop the behavior; issuing warnings or
threats
 Retaliatory: punishing or getting revenge
on the harasser
 Research is mixed, but assertive seems to be
best strategy.
Sexual Satisfaction:
Misconceptions and Realities
 In 1990, 2,000 Americans, Kinsey Institute
 55% of failed a sexual knowledge test
 27% got a D
 Less than 1% an A.
 Are we still sexually uniformed?
 If so, why?
Correcting Misconceptions
 Sexual intercourse is necessary for sexual satisfaction.
 Other ways to achieve orgasms
 And other ways to achieve sexual satisfaction (touch,
affection, etc.)
 Women should not initiate sex
 Most men wish women would initiate sex more often.
 Also note the nature of the relationship (early dating
compared to long term marriage)
 A problem can arise for women trying to be subtle
 Heterosexual couples are more satisfied with sexual
interaction than gay or lesbian
 Gay male and lesbian couples report as much or more
sexual satisfaction as straight couples.
 Men and women are equally aroused by the sight
of nudity and touch.
 Men are more aroused by visual stimuli than are
women; women are more aroused by affectionate
touch than are men.
 Men enjoy sexual intercourse more than women.
 The most important predictor of sexual
satisfaction is how often a couple has sex
 how sexually compatible partners are.
 Sexual satisfaction is the best predictor of
relational satisfaction in most relationships.
Dilemma of Sexual Communication
 It is the key component of sexual satisfaction
 However, the problem is when and how to say what
is pleasurable or not.
 First time you have sex, it is unexpected for partner
to provide a check list of what was good and not so
good.
 But if wait too long, partners may feel embarrassed
for past “performances.”
 If too subtle in expression, message may not be
perceived; it too direct, it may sound too directive
Communication and Safe(r) Sex
 Barriers to Using or Requesting Condoms
• Believing a partner is “safe”
• The “truth bias”
• Not wanting to be seen as promiscuous
• Not wanting to ruin the “romance”
• Not wanting to convey distrust
• Not liking the feel of condoms
 Communication Strategies
• Discuss pregnancy prevention
• Suggest condom use “just to be safe”
• Discuss specific sexual histories
• Negotiate monogamy
Suggestions from the text to avoid STDs and HIV
 Practice abstinence
 Avoid high-risk sex
 Use condoms
 Get tested
 Limit your partners (virgins, monogamous, or tested)
 Know your partners
 Avoid intoxication
 Be honest